Episode 247 · The Ben Avery Era
#247 - Scream At The Sky (ft. Yannis Pappas) | The Tim Dillon Show
with Yannis Pappas
Apr 11, 2021 · 1:22:36 · 385,000 views · 41 segments, 221 moments indexed
Tim Dillon has on Yannis Pappas, in what was meant to be a bonus episode, but was so good we wanted to release to the public instead!
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- 1 min
Austin's Housing Bubble and Elon's Plus Signs
#Tim welcomes Yannis Pappas and riffs on Austin's insane real estate prices, blaming Elon Musk's tweets for tech people paying cash for overpriced homes.
4moments
- Giannis Pappas joins Tim in Austin, Texas.
- Tim can't buy a house because owners think it's worth $20 million despite market reality.
- Tech company founders will pay $1.5 million cash for a house that would appraise for $850k and hide their families there while building surveillance devices.
- Tim attended the Texas Rangers game, the only full-capacity sporting event happening.
- 2 min
Full Capacity Texas Rangers Game but No Walking on Escalators
#Tim describes attending a full-capacity, maskless Texas Rangers game while absurd social distancing rules like no walking on escalators still applied.
7moments
- Texas packed a full stadium with no masks as a middle finger to the nation, willing to accept COVID deaths for the national anthem.
- Tim notes the absurdity: full capacity indoors with no masks, but escalators had social distancing rules banning walking.
- The mask rules make no sense—sitting unmasked at tables, then putting masks on to stand up.
- Tim compares wearing a mask to wearing a condom during sex with his wife and questions why he's wearing one now that he's vaccinated and had COVID.
- CNN ratings have tanked in the toilet since Trump left office.
- The media called Trump mentally slipping and possibly demented, but can't criticize the current president who clearly has something wrong with him.
- The president clearly has something wrong but can't talk about it.
- 1 min
Biden's Dementia and Kamala Waiting to Inherit the Throne
#Tim argues the media is milking Covid coverage because they can't yet report on Biden's apparent decline, and jokes Kamala Harris is just waiting like Anna Nicole Smith to inherit power.
3moments
- Tim predicts the media will eventually have to address why the president is drooling.
- Kamala is waiting to inherit the throne, compared to Anna Nicole Smith marrying a billionaire and waiting for him to die.
- Tim implies Kamala will die or be out of power, referencing Anna Nicole Smith's overdose death.
- 1 min
Anna Nicole Smith and the Golden Age of Trash Celebrity Reality TV
#Tim and Yannis reminisce about Anna Nicole Smith's E! show, Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown, and Celebrity Rehab putting real drug addicts on camera for entertainment.
4moments
- Tim recalls Anna Nicole Smith from Naked Gun 33 1/3 and Leslie Nielsen comedies made before films became about imperialism.
- The Anna Nicole Show on E presented her as a complete basket case mess.
- Reality TV in that era — Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown's show, Celebrity Rehab with Jeff Conaway — just pointed cameras at active drug addicts with no real help.
- Tim imagines film school graduates having to give drug-addicted celebrities water just to film scenes of them screaming at their daughters.
Whitney HoustonAnna Nicole SmithCelebrity Rehab with Jeff Conawayreality TV exploitation
- 1 min
The Andy Cohen Housewives Suicide and Learning to Lie
#They discuss a Real Housewives cast member who allegedly killed himself over pretending to be rich, leading Tim into his philosophy that you must lie to the people you care about.
4moments
- Real Housewives castmembers have killed themselves because they're pretending to be rich when they have no money.
- Tim has decided to start lying more, except to his wife.
- The philosophy: if you don't lie to people you care about, you don't really care about them.
- Someone at the Comedy Store approached Tim to say that bit about lying to people you care about changed how he saw him.
- 2 min
The Girl at the Rangers Game Who Lied About Her Dad
#Tim recounts a woman at the game giving him two different names for which MLB team her father coached, framing it as her practicing lying like a foreign language learner.
4moments
- Tim argues you have to lie to people because he doesn't like anyone and would otherwise tell them so immediately.
- At a Rangers game, a girl from California told him her father was two different coaches with completely different names ten minutes apart.
- Tim decides to start claiming Richard Gere is his brother instead of confronting her about the lie.
- She's practicing her lies on him, the same way people practice English as a second language, testing out whoppers before using them at job interviews or with men.
- 2 min
The Best Liars Run the Country (and Drink Adrenochrome)
#Tim expands into how elites like the Bushes, Clintons, and Rockefellers are simply the best liars who invent their own reality, riffing into the adrenochrome conspiracy joke.
7moments
- The country is run by the best liars—Bushes, Clintons, Rockefellers, Bezos—who don't consider themselves liars but inventors of their own reality.
- Karl Rove said 'we're an empire, we create our own reality'—these people just invent truth rather than telling lies.
- The difference between elite liars and regular liars is that regular liars drink Gatorade when dehydrated; elites drink children's blood with adrenaline in it.
- Someone told Tim this claim at a Texas Rangers game during an announcement that there are pedophiles in the area.
- Tim questions why people need to believe they're drinking blood when the fact that they're raping kids should be bad enough.
- Someone once tried to explain to Tim that after raping kids, there's 'really bad stuff' that happens, and Tim couldn't figure out what could be worse.
- Tim speculates Alex Jones might have broken into a meeting, seen elites drinking red wine, and misidentified it as blood.
- 2 min
Pedophiles, the Catholic Church, and Ghislaine Maxwell
#Tim gets more serious/comedic about protected elite pedophilia, joking the Catholic Church may have been structured to enable child abuse, and riffs on priesthood and the Vatican bank.
8moments
- Tim acknowledges weird cult activity exists and pedophiles are genuinely protected by high-level government and rich people.
- Poor pedophiles grab kids off the street; rich ones have a business and infrastructure built around it.
- Tim argues the Catholic Church could plausibly have been established as a systematic operation to rape children.
- The Church opposes abortion to protect its supply of unwanted children for the priesthood.
- Tim gets immediately suspicious when someone mentions their son is considering becoming a priest.
- Priests are called 'Father'—an unquestioned authority figure parents hand their sons over to for trips and activities.
- Tim expresses curiosity about what's inside the Vatican Bank and its hidden assets.
- Tim just learned the word 'adrenaline machine' from someone in Texas during a car ride.
- 2 min
David Dobrik Rape Allegations Sink LA
#Tim jokes about not knowing influencer names, then pivots to LA being on fire literally and figuratively after David Dobrik's scandal, contrasting it with Austin's appeal.
3moments
- Tim conflates Ghislaine Maxwell with a random internet person, admitting he doesn't learn the names of people he considers unimportant.
- LA's decline illustrated through the David Dobrik rape allegations — the city has turned him into a rapist.
- Tim and guest agree you don't have to maintain that subway lifestyle anymore once you've done it for years.
- 2 min
Comedy Clubs as Carnival Sideshows
#Tim compares comedy club owners and bookers to old carnival barkers exploiting bearded ladies, tying it to pandemic-era tent shows replacing normal club structure.
4moments
- Comedy club owners and bookers are the same carnival carnies who used to sell tickets to bearded ladies and conjoined twins outside tents.
- Tim appreciated the pandemic forcing comedy clubs to take their circus outside literally, doing shows in tents like a traveling carnival.
- Comics like his ex-roommate are part of American entertainment history, the type who would have worked the Depression-era dust bowl carnival circuit.
- Club owners and bookers treat comics like carnival overseers whipping bearded ladies—welcoming them to sit at a water station to gossip with waitresses.
Jay OckersonTim Warner
- 2 min
The Absurd Economics of Comedy Club Pay
#Tim rants about the archaic, arbitrary comedy club pay structure where the same show pays wildly different amounts night to night with no real explanation.
3moments
- Being employed in comedy is weird, especially in 2020—people have bosses, get ratted on by waitresses for bad sets, and have to conform to archaic systems.
- Tim questions the comedy club pay structure: why does a Tuesday show pay $25 but Friday shows pay $75 when both have two-drink minimums?
- Tim expresses excitement about Joe's club opening and wanting to escape the pandemic by performing somewhere new rather than falling back into old patterns.
Joe's Club
- 2 min
Waiting Your Turn at the Comedy Store and Jeremy Piven's Redemption Arc
#Tim recalls resentment over comedy club seniority systems, then jokes about Jeremy Piven and Michael Rapaport using stand-up as refuge after Me Too controversies.
5moments
- Tim's old Comedy Store spots were 11:30pm, decent for someone newly passed, but comics who'd been around longer got better slots regardless of what they were doing.
- The club rewarded pure seniority—guys who'd been there 15 years with no podcast, TV work, or outside success just because they "put in the time."
- Jeremy Piven and Michael Rappaport are different because they're waiting to actually get good before taking weekend spots.
- Tim credits Jeremy Piven with getting him into stand-up, even though Piven wasn't technically as skilled as some Tuesday night comics at the club.
- Seeing Jeremy Piven on stage makes you wonder what happened to him, and Tim knows Piven wanted to do the podcast instead.
Jeremy PivenMichael Rappaport
- 2 min
Screech, Diamond Dallas Page, and Freezing Cold Outdoor Gigs
#Tim jokes stand-up welcomes anyone including disgraced former child stars, then describes a miserable freezing outdoor comedy gig in rural Pennsylvania during the pandemic.
5moments
- Stand-up is like the Statue of Liberty — it takes whatever: your weary, your tired, your damaged, your molested, your former carnival stars.
- Screech was able to do a weekend at Side Splitters, available to cycle through gigs despite nobody learning his name.
- The green room at the outdoor Soul Joel gig had floor mats that needed to be winterized, plus no kerosene or heat lamps.
- Tim performed in the middle of a freezing Pennsylvania field during the second show with people in blankets and ski masks, bombing because of the cold.
- Capital Comedy becoming Royersford, PA during a pandemic demonstrates America's failure as a failed state in every way.
ScreechPennsylvaniacomedy venuesSoul Joel
- 2 min
Tim reads a sponsor spot for Gabi, an insurance comparison platform that compares your current coverage against 40 top providers, joking about recording from a 'safe house.'
4moments
- Tim pitches Gabi insurance as a comparison platform that deserves better than what people currently have.
- He notes he's recording these ads from a safe house, acknowledging the oddness of his setup.
- Gabi gives apples-to-apples quotes from 40 top providers in minutes at gabby.com or with promo code tim dillon.
- Average customers save $961 per year on insurance through Gabi's comparison tool.
- 2 min
Tim reads the BetterHelp ad about online therapy matching and affordability, riffing that he's calling from a hotel room to find strength to leave and face the world.
2moments
- Tim, in a hotel room, says he'll call BetterHelp and one day have the strength to leave and face the world.
- The podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp; listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com/timd.
- 3 min
Reasonable People Fleeing to Austin as Cities Die
#Tim discusses elites fleeing to Texas and Florida while remaining disconnected from the reality of hollowed-out cities like Cleveland, Kansas City, and Omaha filled with tent encampments.
8moments
- Everyone with any semblance of reason has retreated to Austin
- People with sense or common sense are fleeing to Austin, Texas, Dallas, Fort Worth, and Florida
- The elites are completely disconnected from real problems, thinking everything is just social media drama they created
- Cleveland is a bombed-out third-world hellhole; Kansas City and Omaha look like Bosnia when you drive through them
- Every major city has tent cities and boarded-up houses, but people don't want reality puncturing their worldview
- Cities work like sharks—if they stop moving, they die, which happened when restaurants and shops closed during COVID
- When cities become vacant, homeless people move in and set up camps with barter economies of drugs and sex
- Manhattan got deserted when everyone worked from home, and now Elon is supposedly taking Austin's homeless people into space
ClevelandKansas CityManhattanOmahaTeslaAustinDallasFlorida+4 more
- 2 min
Elon Musk Wants Fame Too Much
#Tim and Yannis assess Elon Musk as brilliant but attention-hungry, contrasting him with the reclusive Warren Buffett who doesn't need public adoration.
7moments
- Elon Musk is brilliant but also kind of a huckster, all over the place, and loves fame.
- He's married to Grimes and names his daughter after computer code, always chasing attention.
- It's wild to have a billionaire who's one of the richest people on the planet doing things for Instagram.
- Old money like the Morgans and Rockefellers at least had the decency to stay locked away in castles instead of bothering people on Twitter.
- Warren Buffett stays in his little hut in Omaha as a goblin and just emerges like a groundhog to announce things are okay.
- There's something weird about a billionaire who wants the love and admiration of the people.
- Tim thinks Elon should just take his rocket ship and go to Mars instead of seeking public support.
- 2 min
Billionaire Smart Cities and the Death of Democracy
#They joke about billionaires building private biometric smart cities, and Tim argues democracy has proven itself a failure because people just want nachos with liquid cheese.
6moments
- Billionaires will build their own cities with biometric scanning, credit score checks, and medical history requirements for entry.
- Democracy has failed—when given freedom, people just want nachos with liquid cheese and devices to roll them around.
- Tim notes it's tough to argue for democracy as a system from any podium right now.
- Decades of trash talk shows, reality TV, and mind-numbingly bad entertainment have rotted people's brains.
- Brain rot makes people susceptible to conspiracy theories like QAnon because they've lost all love for knowledge.
- Non-fiction doesn't compete with fiction because fiction is more engaging, and right now non-fiction needs to be just as compelling.
- 3 min
Nobody Has Real Jobs Anymore Except Influencers
#Tim rants that outside of being an influencer, boxer, or scientist there are no real jobs left, tying it to cancel culture becoming its own economy and empty hotels replacing real hospitality jobs.
7moments
- Tim defines who counts as employed: influencers, merch droppers, TikTokers, boxers, Chinese spies, Jake Paul, Chinese scientists, South Asian doctors.
- Travel agents are gone—computers eliminated them—and nobody knows where those workers ended up.
- Canceling has become a legitimate job; people aren't outraged, they're just trying to eat.
- Airbnb has replaced hotels; you walk into a Hyatt now and it's empty, just one guy at the desk.
- Modern hotels are desolate carcasses with no staff, just spooky empty conference rooms.
- Everyone's monetizing themselves on OnlyFans because everything has to be fully monetized.
- Soon people will rent out family members instead of houses, with a management company handling the traffic.
Jake PaulAirbnbOnlyFansLiberty TravelHyattPanera Bread
- 3 min
NFTs, Decentraland, and Monetizing Everything Including Your Family
#Ben explains NFTs and the Decentraland virtual real estate game while Tim spirals into predictions of digital-only value, pod living, and monetizing family members and sex.
8moments
- Everyone monetizes their homes, lives, and family members as content.
- NFT market headed toward a major crash.
- Ben explains non-fungible tokens: digital art that people buy and sell.
- Decentraland is a game where people buy virtual land plots for $80,000 to $100,000.
- Tim describes the future: people live in pods while their real possessions exist only in computers.
- Mega cities with pods, no car ownership, everything restricted—District Nine conditions for the masses.
- Digitally native kids have their first relationships and all formative experiences online.
- Sex rates have dropped dramatically; 24-year-olds with erectile dysfunction from constant pornography consumption.
NFTsDecentralandOnlyFansvirtual reality and sex
- 2 min
Raising a Daughter in the Gender-Choice Future
#Tim jokes about the anxieties of raising his daughter amid toxic masculinity discourse and kids choosing their gender young, floating the idea kids should also declare political affiliation.
4moments
- Tim worries about raising his daughter when she turns five and starts lecturing him about toxic masculinity and forcing him to adopt people of color.
- If kids are allowed to choose their gender at five, Tim argues they should also be forced to declare their political affiliation by that age.
- He announces he'll do future comedy appearances only on his podcast rather than at live venues, and will just stand there asking the crowd what they did today for ticket money.
- Sophia the humanoid robot just sold her NFT digital artwork for $688,000 while actual people can't find jobs in the physical world.
Michael RappaportSophia
- 1 min
Tim reacts to a Bloomberg story about a humanoid robot selling NFT art for $688,000 while humans can't find jobs, tying it to misplaced priorities like colonizing Mars.
4moments
- Tim notes the depressive reality that Mars colonization won't work because you can't breathe there, while Elon keeps blowing up spaceships and people still can't get vaccinated or healthcare.
- We couldn't even beat a pandemic, so colonizing an uninhabitable planet is unrealistic—it'll take far longer than a decade to terraform.
- Tim admits he's stupid and doesn't understand terraforming, saying if he had to survive Mars he'd just want them to grow him a pizza.
- The wealthy will escape to Mars while the rest of humanity stays behind—maybe it'll just be Joe Rogan and Kamala Harris up there.
- 3 min
Joe Rogan and Kamala Harris Fantasy Podcast
#Tim fantasizes about Kamala Harris going on Joe Rogan's show, getting high and laughing off serious questions, spiraling into a bit about Common interviewing Serena Williams as proof journalism is dead.
9moments
- Tim imagines Vice President Harris on Joe Rogan's podcast, laughing maniacally while confronted about her prison record.
- In the fantasy scenario, Harris tells Joe to shut up, takes a joint, and gets high on his show.
- Tim describes Harris and Rogan getting paranoid on shrooms, debating whether he's a real journalist while laughing it off.
- Common, a rapper and actor, recently interviewed Serena Williams—which Tim cites as proof that journalism no longer exists.
- Reading modern news articles feels identical to scrolling through a mentally ill person's Facebook post.
- Tim compares reading a physical newspaper to jerking off a coal miner, and notes small-town papers like the Omaha Herald are inexplicably still running.
- Local small-town papers used to do decent journalism, but they're all gone now.
- Society is now living in an impressionist painting with no structure, no lines, just chaos.
- Old-school TV interviewers would ask 'What's next for you' as a lazy follow-up, treating celebrities like they're perpetually climbing a ladder.
journalismCommonKamala HarrisSerena WilliamsJoe RoganTyra Banks
- 2 min
Tim reads the BlueChew ad, joking about self-deprecating copy, chewable Viagra/Cialis alternatives, and how it's good even if your dick works because it tastes good.
7moments
- Tim reflects on aging a year in twelve months and feeling it in the bedroom.
- The ad copy strategy: insulting yourself about erectile dysfunction to sell the product.
- BlueChew delivers Viagra and Cialis active ingredients in chewable form at a fraction of the cost.
- The service ships discreetly to your door with no doctor visits or pharmacy lines required.
- Tim pitches the appeal: chewable instead of pills, made in the USA, cheaper than pharmacy alternatives.
- Even if your dick works, BlueChew is good as a snack to chew while on the go at your job.
- Tim's closing argument: BlueChew ensures you have a hard dick and can perform.
- 2 min
Tim promotes Helix Sleep's two-minute mattress matching quiz, praising his custom firm mattress and the 200 dollar discount for listeners.
3moments
- Tim took the Helix quiz and was matched with a firm mattress model he loves.
- Getting the Helix mattress is the greatest thing Tim has ever done in his life, surpassing all professional and personal accomplishments.
- Tim hates waking up and would sleep all day and night for the rest of his life if he could.
- 2 min
Tim jokes about wanting to see Fallon and Kimmel have on-air breakdowns, then Yannis plugs his new podcast Long Days as History Hyenas ends and he and Ben split up.
7moments
- Tim wants to see Fallon, Kimmel, and other late-night hosts have on-air breakdowns.
- Yannis launched a new podcast called Long Days, available on YouTube, iTunes, Spotify, and Patreon.
- Fans have asked if there's any chance of History Hyenas episodes returning in the future.
- Yannis and his co-host are opening for Ben Askren and Jake Paul.
- Old History Hyenas episodes remain available forever on the platform.
- Tim jokes that Yannis and Ben are breaking up as co-hosts but will remain friends.
- Ben will do his own show where he giggles into a microphone, while Yannis will scream at the sky.
Yannis PappasLong DaysHistory HyenasBen AskrenJake PaulJimmy FallonJimmy KimmelChris
- 2 min
Ben Runs Tim's Entire Life
#Tim admits total helplessness without Ben handling his finances and logistics, riffing into a bit about hiring absurdly specialized staff like a toenail cutter and a meat-catcher.
5moments
- Tim says Ben literally runs his entire life to the degree that he doesn't know how money moves in or out of his bank account.
- Ben understands how everything works, and Tim argues that more people like him are needed to create jobs.
- Tim uses a Greek expression about a camel not seeing its own hump to explain why Americans don't grasp how bad their cities have become.
- Asian cities like those in Malaysia and China currently look like what American industrial cities used to look like at the dawn of manufacturing.
- American cities are the result of demise from a previous era, functioning now like museums compared to the thriving cities in Asia.
- 1 min
American Cities Are Museums, Asian Cities Are the Future
#Tim argues American cities are decaying husks compared to booming Asian tech cities, joking that soon American women will open nail salons in China.
4moments
- American cities are museums, not functioning places—tech hubs like Sunnyvale and San Francisco are the only exceptions while the rest become hipster coffee shops in converted factories.
- Old factories are being turned into barbecue restaurants, and soon white women from here will be opening nail salons in China.
- Tim says he's ready to move to China and surrender tomorrow.
- A past episode of Tim Dillon Goes to Hell discussed needing a plague, which then actually happened.
ChinaAustinPittsburghSan FranciscoSunnyvale
- 1 min
The Old 'We Need a Plague' Prediction Coming True
#They revisit an old episode where they joked China should invade and a plague was needed, noting it eerily came true, then pivot into the Lopez Brothers TikTok scandal with minors.
5moments
- Tim jokes about China invading, saying they're coming to hit Malibu first and set up at Reese Witherspoon's beach house.
- The plan includes storming Pepperdine and the Hype House, taking out TikTok star Taylor Holder first.
- The Lopez brothers are in hot water for talking to underage teenagers; Tim notes they look like they could be anywhere between 15 and 35 years old.
- They were talking to 13-year-olds, and the younger brother is 19; Tim observes they danced off the criticism.
- Hannah Stocking left the older Lopez brother because he was trying to talk to a 13-year-old.
Lopez BrothersChinaHannah StockingMalibuReese WitherspoonTaylor HolderPepperdine
- 2 min
Fred, Hannah Stocking, and Aging Out of TikTok Fame
#They discuss the YouTube star Fred coming out and fading away, and debate whether influencers like Hannah Stocking can remain relevant into their 30s.
5moments
- Hannah Stocking is getting close to 30 and won't be able to be lit on TikTok anymore.
- Tim argues that if you're on TikTok as an older person, you're either bait or a pedophile.
- He tried to be funny on TikTok for two or three weeks before giving up.
- Tim feels the same way about his podcast—exhausted by the idea of doing it all over again.
- Tim imagines a Lou Perlman of podcasts assembling a boy band-style group with one handsome one, one dangerous one, and one closeted gay one.
TikTokLou PearlmanHannah StockingJason Nash
- 2 min
The Podcast Boom Is Ending and TikTok Fame Doesn't Translate
#Tim and Ben predict the podcast boom is winding down to only the genuinely good shows, and that TikTok fame from Vine-era stars rarely converts into lasting careers, except for people like David Dobrik.
6moments
- Tim argues the podcast boom is ending and only established, talented shows will survive.
- Ben agrees too many podcasts exist and most are being ignored by audiences.
- Question of whether TikTok stars can fill arenas now that the pandemic is over.
- TikTok stars are launching fake energy drinks and companies to monetize their fanbase.
- Vine stars from before TikTok either live in tents on the 101 or are selling things because they didn't parlay their quick, unexplained fame into anything real.
- David Dobrik managed to actually turn TikTok fame into something, unlike the Vine generation.
- 2 min
Fred the YouTube Star's Third Act
#Tim jokes about whatever happened to viral YouTube character Fred after puberty ended his act, and that he's now content getting by quietly.
7moments
- Smart YouTube stars realize they won't be famous forever and start investing to keep stacking money.
- Your fans are 12, and once they grow up and get girlfriends or boyfriends, you're done—just like Vine stars.
- Fred, the YouTube guy with the fast-forwarded chipmunk voice, used to be huge.
- Fred came out of the closet, which was big news.
- Ben saw Fred at the Grove around 2016 or 2017, just getting ice cream, and it wasn't looking good.
- Fred made three films—Fred One, Two, and Three.
- Once Fred developed an Adam's apple and went through puberty, the gig was up.
- 4 min
The New Vaccine Booster Industry and Marginalized Group Turf Wars
#Tim predicts endless future vaccines and a coming societal purge where every marginalized group eventually turns on the next, including trans people and disabled people.
8moments
- Tim pitches a Cheers spinoff set in CVS pharmacy where regular customers have their usual spots at the counter.
- Pharmacies are the only institutions left in American cities, with CVS and Walgreens on every corner pushing pills.
- Next year's vaccine industry will keep producing new boosters and variants indefinitely.
- Tim jokes about a racism vaccine and vaccines to remove troubling thoughts rooted in systems of oppression.
- Most vocal trans activists online aren't actually trans people—they're non-binary or just call themselves queer without transitioning.
- Actual trans people will eventually march against the non-binary activists who aren't walking the walk.
- Every marginalized group is getting fifteen minutes of power instead of fame—a brief window to silence others.
- Activists tried to cancel volleyball posters for being ableist and even father-daughter dances for excluding lesbian families.
- 2 min
Canceling Daddy-Daughter Dances and Miserable Gay Culture
#Tim discusses attempts to cancel daddy-daughter dances over gender concerns, then argues gay culture has become joyless and obsessed with lecturing instead of having fun.
5moments
- Gay culture has become unfun, focused on lecturing people about correct language instead of the sex, drugs, and humor that used to define it.
- Every person on television now opens by announcing their race or identity—the first move is always to establish your marginalized status.
- Tim would have to walk out and immediately say he's gay; there's no value in having it easy, so people manufacture hardship to validate themselves.
- The flaw in freedom is being able to complain; American complaints about injustice actually prove how great things are.
- Lorne Michaels should nuke SNL at the end by doing one genuinely good show that everyone will hate, then just end it.
- 1 min
Lorne Michaels Should Nuke SNL
#Tim jokes that Lorne Michaels should end SNL with one genuinely great controversial episode after 45 years of the show coasting.
2moments
- Lorne Michaels has owned a piece of nearly every cast member who's been through SNL after a certain era, making them sign contracts before they even audition.
- Every writing packet submitted to SNL is the same—urban night at a club about to get shut down by the community board, like it's the venue's last night.
- 2 min
TV Networks Doing 'Urban Night' Before Shutting Down
#Tim compares network TV's diversity-themed programming pushes to a nightclub's desperate 'urban night' cash grab right before getting shut down by the community board.
7moments
- Clubs do 'urban nights' and 'black knight' shows right before shutting down to cash in one last time.
- Tim has started going to Florida because there's something appealing about a place where everyone accepts life is hell.
- He wants to live in parts of Florida where people are either on a golf course or drunk at 4 p.m. staring at their spouse wondering who'll die first.
- Miami has very little genuine wokeness—it's all superficial because people are focused on drugs and sex instead.
- Gay people used to be happy before society restricted sex and started policing their behavior, now they're miserable.
- Geraldo's old bit: he wanted gay guys to marry because he was tired of their carefree lifestyle.
- Real discrimination against gay people has actually gone down significantly, but instead of celebrating, society invented pretend discrimination.
- 3 min
Miami's Superficial Fun vs Miserable Modern Gay Culture
#Tim praises Miami and certain parts of Florida for embracing hedonism without wokeness, contrasting it with the newly miserable, lecture-obsessed state of gay culture despite reduced real discrimination.
9moments
- Gay people fought for marriage rights but aren't actually getting married, and they're not adopting kids either despite claiming that was essential.
- Tim questions how much of your limited time on Earth you want to spend being miserable.
- The Woody Allen documentary is the worst advertisement for adoption because it's made people reconsider rescuing kids.
- Mia Farrow adopted eight kids, increasingly raising the odds one of them would seduce her boyfriend.
- Tim on Woody introducing Mia to each newly adopted child: 'Meet the new one, Fung Ling.'
- Woody looks guilty in the documentary, moving like a man coveting someone's daughter.
- Someone should have cut her off at eight like a bartender stopping a drunk customer.
- You can't keep adopting kids indefinitely; you need to build a wall and close the border around your own family.
- Everyone secretly collecting California unemployment while living in Texas is hilarious.
- 1 min
Woody Allen, Mia Farrow, and the Adoption Documentary Fallout
#Tim jokes darkly about the Woody Allen/Mia Farrow HBO documentary discouraging people from adopting, riffing on Mia Farrow adopting eight kids without anyone cutting her off.
3moments
- Tim argues that decentralization is causing people to abandon major cities like New York and California despite their historical appeal.
- The gap between California's image in TV and movies versus the reality on the ground has become stark enough that residents are questioning what they're getting for living there.
- Liberal laws in these cities are being written based on utopian notions that don't work in practice.
- 4 min
Texas Building a Wall Against Californians and the Ultra-Luxury Market
#Tim jokes Texas may wall off Californians collecting CA unemployment while living in Austin, then pivots to NYC's ultra-luxury real estate being bought by dictators and war criminals.
7moments
- Tim proposes letting cities replace police with social workers for one year, but only if it's filmed.
- Psychology and social work are fake dignity jobs that attract clueless people.
- Social workers can't fix anything; they just ask what medications you're on and occasionally get coffee mugs thrown at their head.
- Tim worked in an SRO and homeless people given apartments started bringing garbage in from the street because they wanted to live outside.
- Mental health care in America is a non-event where nobody actually cares.
- Social work should be a college requirement that teaches empathy and reveals how mental illness causes people to lose jobs and family.
- Libertarians think poor people should just figure it out, but that ideology only works if you start with nothing like Louis J. Gomez did.
Lewis J. Gomezsocial workmental healthDave Smithpsychologysquad
- 3 min
Defund the Police vs Deputize the Social Workers
#Tim argues from personal social work experience that empathy without action never fixes anything, proposing sarcastically that social workers should be armed and deputized instead of replacing cops.
8moments
- Tim criticizes government tax abatements for luxury condos in New York while homelessness persists.
- The absurdity of the 'ultra-luxury' real estate market: $20 million apartments aren't luxurious enough until they hit $50 million.
- Apartments in these buildings are bought by dictators, war criminals, and people with blood money.
- Social workers prioritize endless empathy and asking about feelings instead of taking concrete action.
- At some point you need force or action to move something—perpetual empathy accomplishes nothing.
- Tim's proposal: replace social workers with more cops, not the other way around.
- Counter-marches should demand replacing social workers with more police, not defunding police.
- Deputize the social workers—the unsuccessful ones, the women, the unsuccessful Jewish guys with guns.
social workersNew York Citytent citiesTribeca
- 2 min
Sign Off and the Alive in Gotham China Prediction
#Yannis plugs Long Days one more time, and they close by joking about an old Alive in Gotham clip predicting a 2022 China conflict, wrapping the episode.
3moments
- Tim directs listeners to find him on Twitter, Instagram, and subscribe on iTunes, Spotify, or YouTube.
- People have been sending Tim clips of a previous episode where they discussed needing a plague, which people now claim predicted the pandemic.
- Someone posted a live in Gotham set where Tim allegedly predicted China would attack in 2022, leading people to credit him with calling current events.