Episode 295 · The Ben Avery Era
Classic tier — a personal pick, not a popularity ranking#295 - A Serene Retreat | The Tim Dillon Show
Apr 24, 2022 · 1:03:05 · 442,000 views · 26 segments, 154 moments indexed
Sam Tallent drives Ben and Tim through the Hill Country of Texas as Tim laments on owning a home here, what he just exactly plans to do with it, and the kind of Airbnb business that would give him the opportunity to finally retire.
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- 2 min
No Show Last Week: Ben's Family Easter Passion Play
#Tim explains why there was no episode for Easter: Ben's family does an annual backyard recreation of the resurrection, and this year Ben had to play Jesus emerging from a shed after his sister, who played Jesus last year, fell asleep drunk and ran out firing a gun.
7moments
- Tim apologizes for missing last week's episode because Ben had to attend his family's Easter Passion Play.
- Ben's family recreates the resurrection of Christ in their yard every year, with a rotating cast member playing Jesus.
- Ben's mother thinks Tim is Jewish just because he has a mortgage.
- The family speaks in tongues during the ritual and Ben emerges from a shed in the backyard instead of a cave because they lack the money for a proper set.
- Last year Ben's sister was supposed to be Jesus but fell asleep drunk inside the shed and forgot she was in the Easter pageant.
- The drunk sister grabbed a gun and ran out of the shed firing wildly before they could stop her.
- Ben, now wearing paid-person leather boots, was enlisted this year to walk serenely out of the shed so the family could chant and eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches without incident.
- 1 min
Austin Rain and the Failed House Flip
#Tim complains about Austin's endless rain and locals' denial about it, then discusses renovating his house with Ben (like the Property Brothers) only to be stuck holding it because the market is bad and rates are up.
5moments
- Austin has had two days of sun in the last 20 days, with only three more forecast for the next 15 days.
- Everyone in Austin claims it never rains this much, despite it raining constantly.
- Tim owns a house in Austin he doesn't know what to do with.
- They're not flipping the house because the market isn't great and rates are going up.
- Joe Rogan is opening a comedy club in Austin, which will be the next thing to happen there.
- 4 min
The Pig Airbnb Concept is Born
#Tim decides the solution to his unwanted Austin house is to turn it into an Airbnb targeted at fat, drunk bachelorette party women visiting the Texas Hill Country wineries, complete with a pool, hot tub, and "eat" signs.
8moments
- Tim announces plans to open an Airbnb for pigs — women visiting Austin who want to get drunk and eat pulled pork in his backyard.
- The property will feature a barrel hot tub, live-laugh-love signs, and a kitchen sign that just says "eat."
- The target demographic is bachelorette parties from nearby Texas Hill Country wineries, looking for their last week of freedom before marriage.
- Freedom to these women means brisket nachos and queso, not entrepreneurship or independence.
- Tim proposes a dunk tank where drunk guests can fall into the pool after hitting a target.
- Austin attracts disgusting humanoids who blow coke, listen to heroin addicts play guitar, so providing them a peaceful retreat on two acres makes sense.
- The property has three bedrooms, three baths, a main house, a guest house, two acres, and a pool — all ready for piglets to drink hard cider in.
- Tim reveals he's been kicked off Airbnb before, so he'll register the place under his fat assistant's name instead, since she understands what these women want.
- 3 min
Consulting the Fat Assistant on Pig Amenities
#Since he's banned from Airbnb, Tim plans to list the property under his assistant's name and have her consult on what "pig women" want: carnival games, tic-tac-toe, and food storage since none of them cook.
6moments
- Tim asks what modern pigs want, decides to hire his fat assistant as a consultant on their amenities.
- Suggests adding carnival games and tic-tac-toe to the backyard because pigs have limited mental capacity but would enjoy simple games.
- Games that fat women could excel at, since the kitchen is too small for extensive cooking.
- Tim proposes installing a trough with knee pads so pig women can eat directly from it on their knees.
- This is their last weekend before marriage changes them completely—they'll get on Pelotons and read books.
- The bride's fat friends will want to meet freshmen from UT to sleep with them before the wedding.
women at bachelorette parties
- 2 min
The Trough and the Cleaning Crew from Gitmo
#Tim escalates the pitch to installing a literal trough for the women to eat from, riffs on them cheating with frat guys before their weddings, and jokes the cleanup crew will resemble Guantanamo torture cleaners.
5moments
- Tim describes his wealth and minor fame as making certain things easier for him compared to regular people trying to book his property.
- Tim notes there are many deer on the property and worries about what drunk guests might want to do with them.
- Tim imagines having to clean up after a drunk father kidnapped from Austin at 3 a.m. destroys a piñata on the property.
- Ben suggests installing a shuffleboard like on cruise ships since the guests won't move much.
- Installing a chocolate fountain specifically for the manatees becomes the joke endpoint.
- 1 min
The Chocolate Fountain and Chevy Suburban Pickup
#Ben suggests a big board game and chocolate fountain for the guests; Tim escalates to needing a catering-hall-size fountain and picking up the brides in a Chevy Suburban like a limo.
3moments
- Tim asks where to buy a chocolate fountain for a bachelorette party.
- He argues they need a big industrial catering-hall fountain, not a small one, and is willing to spend ten grand on it.
- Tim describes the women getting out of the Suburban, seeing it, and being amazed by its beauty.
Chevy Suburban
- 3 min
Tim reads a sponsored segment for Athletic Greens (AG1), describing its vitamins, probiotics, and daily nutrition benefits and directing listeners to athleticgreens.com/timdillon.
5moments
- Tim proposes a barbecue restaurant scavenger hunt where guests discover parts of a cow hidden around the yard
- He pitches Athletic Greens as a way to feel healthy and start the day right with 75 vitamins and minerals in one scoop
- Athletic Greens works better than coffee because it delivers energy and nutrients without the caffeine crash
- The founder created Athletic Greens after facing severe gut health issues that cost him $100 a day in complicated supplements
- Tim reveals he's starting Athletic Greens because of probiotic issues and poor food choices while traveling
- 2 min
Ritz-Carlton, Marriott, and the Decline of Hotels
#Tim laments that Ritz-Carlton and other luxury chains are being absorbed by Marriott and have given up on real hospitality, comparing modern hotels to methadone clinics full of tattooed guests.
6moments
- Airbnb is taking a chunk out of hotel business because Tim and his opener have been staying at nicer hotels on tour, including several Ritz-Carltons.
- Ritz-Carlton has given up on hotels completely and now just wants to build residences, but still charges over a thousand dollars a night.
- Marriott now owns both the Ritz-Carlton and Saint Regis, so every high-end hotel chain in America is slowly becoming a Marriott.
- People are opting for Airbnb instead because nobody's doing anything good at hotels anymore and the room service is terrible.
- These hotels are becoming methadone clinics filled with tattooed, working-class people wandering around.
- Tim plans to create a private, serene oasis for wayward women looking for one last couple nights.
- 3 min
Wine Country, Scavenger Hunts, and Instagram Pigs
#Tim and Ben riff on the actual itinerary for bachelorette guests -- Texas 'wineries,' disposable cameras, murals for photos, and a spaghetti-o kiddie pool -- mocking the desire for manufactured Instagram memories.
10moments
- Tim explains why friends go to Texas wineries — because that's what Texas is known for.
- Red wine from Abilene makes perfect sense as a regional product.
- The tour will eventually end despite years of farewell announcements.
- People are attracted to Airbnb properties because they want nature and Instagram-worthy moments.
- Disposable cameras included in Airbnb packages appeal to guests wanting that nostalgic 90s vibe.
- Tim suggests putting a can of creamed corn in the rental as a prop.
- Women should run from cameras rather than toward them, comparing their behavior to people fleeing danger.
- Murals on the property help guests take bachelorette photos and other Instagram content.
- Alternative marketing angle: market the Airbnb to actual pigs instead of Instagram-obsessed women.
- The pig-focused Airbnb pitch includes filling a kiddie pool with Spaghettios for entertainment.
- 2 min
Second Weddings and the Coke-Doing Pregnant Bride
#Tim imagines a 34-year-old bride marrying a rich 70-year-old for the second time, then tells a personal story about doing cocaine with a pregnant woman named Michelle, and later at 13 with a pregnant neighbor named Shay.
6moments
- Second weddings feature 34-year-old women with juvie-bound kids marrying wealthy 70-year-olds with $300,000 to their name.
- Tim invites people to his home to smoke weed and get high enough to dream they're dead.
- Friends reunite at his house by drinking and recalling times they molested each other.
- Pregnant brides will do coke at nine months because the baby is already formed.
- At age 13, Tim did coke with his friend Shay in Oceanside, Long Island, who was nine months pregnant.
- Tim wants nine-month pregnant women willing to do cocaine as his ideal Airbnb renters.
- 3 min
Whataburger Run and the Sober Friend Denise
#Tim imagines the group's whataburger binge after a night out, including a designated driver named Denise who's secretly crushing Adderall, and riffs on fast food chains in the area.
8moments
- Tim recalls doing cocaine in an apartment with a couple, then coming home to masturbate and wish he was dead from the comedown.
- He wants women at his Airbnb to masturbate with the intensity Jessica Kierson describes—blasting AC/DC and going at themselves with a jackhammer.
- The bride-to-be has lost 30 pounds to get married and is telling her friends she's working so hard, though this weekend is a cheat weekend.
- The bachelorette party will hit Whataburger, Sonic, Taco Bell, McDonald's, Dairy Queen, TCBY, Schlotzki's, and Chicken Express.
- One woman in the group—Denise—is three months sober after getting fired as a secretary for stealing, white-knuckling it while secretly crushing Adderall in the bathroom.
- When they arrive at Whataburger, it's like Ukrainians crossing the Polish border—they're in the clear and eat like they've never eaten before.
- Tim recommends horseshoes for entertainment because these women wear flowery dresses with cowboy boots and scarred-up legs from bug bites.
- The scarred legs result from things that bite them in the night.
- 3 min
The Two Types of Husbands: Meth Guy and Gay Guy
#Tim characterizes the two archetypal husbands of these women -- a lanky meth-smelling cheater, or a closeted gay man marrying for a small inheritance -- and imagines the miserable domestic life that follows.
7moments
- Tim identifies two types of husbands women marry: the lanky meth guy who smells like gasoline and claims he's getting it together, or the gay man.
- The woman repeats lines about her husband getting it together or figuring it out to her friends while avoiding eye contact.
- Tim describes the second husband type: fat and very gay, marrying for inheritance money while thinking of men during sex.
- The gay husband's child becomes an eating partner stuffed with chemicals and GMOs, essentially a dog on two legs for the mother to drive to food places.
- The meth husband can wear a collared shirt and imagine himself eventually working up to a management position at Enterprise Rent-A-Car.
- He's years away from that car rental management position but possesses the abstract ability to potentially someday achieve it in Jacksonville suburbs.
- Tim shifts to marketing advice for selling houses in Florida: put a windmill in the yard because fat people go crazy for them since wind cools them down.
Enterprise Rent-A-Car
- 3 min
Frozen Sweat at Chili's and the Choco Taco Fridge
#Tim paints a picture of the target demographic's daily life -- office drudgery, Harry Styles fantasies, and a promised weekend binge -- and pitches stocking the Airbnb fridge with Choco Tacos and Good Humor treats.
6moments
- Tim describes the experience of being a woman getting her sweat frozen at Chili's by an aggressive air conditioner while drinking margaritas.
- Medical billing data entry workers dream of celebrities like Harry Styles climbing through their windows while they process angiogram debts.
- Tim pitches his pig fest in Texas Hill Country as the weekend escape where women throw calorie-counting out the window.
- When appetizer plates arrive with stewed red onions and shrimp tacos with chipotle crema, guests celebrate thinking they're being healthy.
- Tim's pig fest solution: an entire fridge full of Choco Tacos and Good Humor bars from childhood to facilitate binge eating.
- Tim concludes he can't live in this swamp hell and sees the endless ice cream fridge as the only viable approach.
Tim Dillon's Pig FestHarry StylesPete Davidson
- 1 min
Tim reads an ad for Keeps, the hair loss treatment service, describing virtual consultations and delivered medication, directing listeners to keeps.com/timdillon.
4moments
- Tim pitches Keeps hair loss treatment, emphasizing that keeping existing hair is the only effective way to combat hair loss.
- Keeps offers virtual doctor consultations, medications delivered every three months, and 24/7 support from medical advisors and specialists.
- Treatment plans start at $10 per month with generic versions of FDA-approved medications, typically half the cost of pharmacy prices.
- Tim notes family members and friends have used Keeps and love it, saying it really does work.
- 1 min
Tim transitions into a BetterHelp ad, discussing stress symptoms and promoting online therapy at betterhelp.com/timd.
3moments
- Tim lists stress symptoms including headaches, teeth grinding, digestive issues, doom scrolling, and sleep problems.
- BetterHelp offers customized online therapy with video, phone, and live chat options.
- Online therapy costs less than in-person sessions and you can switch counselors if the fit isn't right.
- 3 min
Why Fat Men Aren't the Bachelor Party Market
#Tim explains why he isn't marketing the Airbnb to fat men, telling a story about a friend's uncle who slept through an entire strip club visit at his own bachelor party, and comparing modest bachelor parties to elaborate bachelorette trips.
8moments
- Fat men at strip clubs: Tim recounts a bachelor party story where a large drunk guest fell asleep in the limo before even arriving and slept through the entire two-hour outing.
- Fat men simply aren't the bachelor party market because they don't try to make a thing of it.
- Tim attended a comic friend's bachelor party in Atlantic City that consisted of losing money gambling and eating at a buffet.
- The service should be marketed to women who want a fun weekend in the Texas Hill Country at an affordable price.
- Women get donuts, cheap wine that tastes like balsamic vinegar, and can hope their lives are different by the end of the weekend.
- An urgent care clinic is located a few blocks away in case injuries occur, since people will get too excited on the pool deck.
- Most of these women are heavily insulated and padded, which actually works in their favor accident-wise.
- Operating an Airbnb bachelor party rental under a company name is easy with no questions asked from the platform.
Mike Morris
- 2 min
Naming It "Fat [Expletive] Weekend" and Marketing Photos
#Tim workshops branding the Airbnb listing with photos of candy, deer, a windmill and a tiki bar, and describes watching overweight tourists waddling around downtown Austin trying to pick a bar.
5moments
- Tim pitches marketing a weekend getaway as "Fat [Expletive] Weekend" with lifestyle photos of candy, fridges, deer, windmills, and pools.
- He describes spotting overweight tourists walking through downtown Austin, comparing them to herds of cattle that can barely pedal the pedal bars.
- One tourist refuses to enter a bar because it lacks a fish tank, despite being 150 pounds overweight and unable to move comfortably.
- Austin is uniquely horrible because it's like Disney World—dedicated solely to making memories but unable to actually provide anything worth remembering.
- Tim contrasts Nashville and Austin with Paris, New York, and London, which exist in a memorable fashion without being explicitly designed for tourism.
- 3 min
Austin and Nashville as Manufactured Memory Factories
#Tim argues Austin and Nashville are hollow, manufactured 'memory' destinations unlike New York or Paris, and says these women should visit sites of real history like Auschwitz instead of getting drunk doing the same Instagram cliches as everyone else.
5moments
- Bachelorette parties in Nashville and Austin follow the same Instagram template everyone else does—mechanical bulls, wineries, line dancing.
- Tim would be impressed if these women went to Auschwitz instead, visited ruins or genocide sites to understand life is serious.
- These aren't real friends—people are just clinging to childhood connections because there's nothing else to cling to.
- Tim plans to damn Austin by turning his house into an Airbnb that attracts tourists and worsens the city's problems.
- When he was a tour guide in New York, he ruined holidays by talking about human trafficking instead of tourist attractions.
- 3 min
Shipping the Furniture to Long Island
#Tim decides to strip the Austin house of its nice furniture and ship it to his new Long Island house, turning the Austin property into a bare-bones pig pen while singing a mock jingle about the Airbnb.
9moments
- Tim explains shipping furniture to his new Long Island house will cost a lot of money.
- Tim proposes converting the house into an adult Chuck E. Cheese filled with beanbag chairs, inflatable furniture, and outdoor paint for walls.
- The plan evolves into a Dave and Buster's for overweight women stocked with vibrators and Cadbury cream eggs.
- Tim describes guests sitting in the backyard eating popcorn while using dildos and watching interracial stepdad porn.
- Everything they bought works even better in the Hamptons because of the nautical vibe.
- Tim has been calling a local realtor to list the property, then changing his mind every few hours while smoking cigars.
- Tim decides to ship all the furniture and bring these pigs home.
- Tim launches into a song offering wine, food, and CVS chocolates from Belgium to the guests.
- Tim insists this is the move and thanks Sam for the idea.
- 1 min
Tim reads an ad for Masterworks, pitching fractional investment in fine art like Picasso and Banksy as an inflation hedge, directing listeners to masterworks.art/tim.
3moments
- Tim explains how billionaires use contemporary art as an investment to beat inflation and outpace the S&P 500 returns.
- Masterworks makes high-end art investments available to regular people, solving the problem of average investors being locked out of wealth-building strategies.
- Art returns not only outperform the stock market but protect money from inflation by putting capital into assets that consistently appreciate in value.
- 2 min
Tim reads a Bird Dogs underwear/shorts ad that spirals into a dark joke about a friend's father being arrested for child porn because he didn't wear Bird Dogs, contrasted with the friend who does and has a great life.
4moments
- Bird Dogs are pants without underwear, eliminating the barrier between men and a story in the LA Times
- Tim's friend's father was taken by the FBI for child pornography on the dark web, all because he refused to wear Bird Dogs
- The son fortunately inherited no predilection for dark web child porn and wears Bird Dogs, so he has a lovely wife and future beautiful babies
- Tim, Ben, and everybody wears Bird Dogs because if you don't take something off, it's good
- 2 min
Living in a Tent Outside Rogan's Comedy Club
#Tim jokes about eventually living in a tent outside Joe Rogan's new comedy club, doing a bit as his imagined future self explaining to his mom why living in a tent is actually enlightened.
5moments
- Tim lives in a tent outside the comedy club, freeing himself from worldly worries to become what he can be.
- Joe knocks on the tent to ask if Tim wants to perform, and then he goes on stage and kills.
- Sam and Joe discuss whether this material works better on the East Coast.
- Ben doesn't understand that nautical doesn't mean fishing rope lamps and tiki bars—it's just a blue theme.
- Tim claims Ben pretended to be Jesus at his family's shed resurrection they do every year, then immediately backtracks to say it's not true.
- 4 min
Ben's Actual Easter Memory and the Furniture Shipping Logistics
#After clarifying the Ben Jesus story was a joke, Ben describes his real childhood Easter egg hunts in West Texas; Tim then plans logistics of shipping furniture cross-country via a business manager call, joking about the manager being 'mentally challenged.'
10moments
- Ben's aunt on pills would lose her mind over Easter basket placement and hiding spots.
- Tim describes West Texas Easter tradition: church, field with hidden plastic eggs in mesquite trees and bushes, kids collecting them in baskets.
- The kid who finds the most eggs gets to trade them to the pastor in the back room for salvation.
- Tim realizes mid-conversation his plan is to ship all the Easter furniture east, including chairs arriving tomorrow.
- Tim plans to furnish the place with inflatable pool furniture and Scotchgard everything because it's going to smell like a Curves gym.
- After shipping the furniture east, Tim's next move is Florida, where he'll hate it within four to five months.
- Tim's Florida plan: turn the house into a sober house, move in guys, let them outside to do steps but they'll blast lines instead.
- Tim should move around the country, find he's miserable everywhere, then decide what kind of haunted house to run.
- Choose between running a halfway house for wayward white-knuckling sobriety-questioning men, or an Airbnb for fat bachelorettes eating edible cookie dough.
- Tim could move place to place ruining and making the already destroyed country grosser and more grotesque, one city at a time.
- 2 min
Turning the House Into a Halfway House Instead
#Tim spins out an alternate plan of moving to Florida, hating it, then turning his house into a sober living halfway house where he performs sexual favors for male residents in exchange for letting them use drugs.
5moments
- Tim's plan to buy property in top 10 real estate markets and convert them into methadone clinics, religious cults, or chubby chub Airbnbs.
- Pick a city like Nashville, hate the house immediately, then decide what it should become instead.
- Tim decides to ship the Austin furniture to New York where it would cost more.
- Google Maps shows it's 27 hours from Austin to New York City — farther than LA.
- Tim plans to call their business manager to price out moving the furniture despite his mental issues.
- 1 min
Pricing Out the Shipping with the Business Manager
#Tim calls his business manager on speakerphone to get a quote for shipping ten pieces of furniture from Austin to Long Island, confirming the Austin house will become the fat bachelorette Airbnb.
3moments
- Tim asks his business manager for a quote on shipping furniture from Austin to Long Island.
- He specifies the haul: roughly ten pieces including couches, chairs, lamps, and a coffee table.
- The Austin house is disgusting but full of great furniture that needs to go somewhere.
- 3 min
Tour Wrap-Up and Willy Wonka Airbnb Sign-Off
#Tim closes by thanking fans for the tour, noting only Australia and Vegas/Reno dates remain, mentions an upcoming special, and closes with a final singsong pitch inviting 'heifers' to book his Willy Wonka-style Airbnb.
8moments
- Tim boasts about his business mind, then qualifies that his manager lands somewhere on the autism spectrum.
- Tour is officially over; no more tickets available, and Tim announces he hates stand-up and everyone in it.
- Travel on the tour has been grueling—hotels and constant motion have prevented studio podcasts from happening in LA.
- Vegas and Reno shows are coming up; Tim expects half the audience will hate the special when it drops.
- Comedy is meant to be seen live because specials never truly capture how funny things are in person.
- Tim's Airbnb will feature a projector in the pool area showing the Food Network while guests eat and float.
- Fat people love pools because the water makes them feel weightless and unable to feel their life decisions.
- Tim pitches his Airbnb as a Willy Wonka chocolate factory experience where guests can graze on the acreage like cattle.