Episode 387 · The Studio Revamp
Jessica Kirson & The Revenge Of The Basic | The Tim Dillon Show #387
with Jessica Kirson
Apr 6, 2024 · 1:05:35 · 393,000 views · 20 segments, 132 moments indexed
Tim sits down with comedian Jessica Kirson about marching, 90’s music, Oprah, dieting, being star struck and why everything is nostalgic.
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- 1 min
The Easter Parade vs the Trans Parade Uber Driver
#Tim and Jessica Kirson open discussing an Uber driver who allegedly mistook the Easter Parade on Fifth Avenue for a trans pride parade, riffing on the crazy Easter bonnets.
2moments
- Jessica Kon joins Tim in the studio on Easter Sunday
- Tim speculates the driver confused the Easter Parade with the trans parade since both involve people wearing bonnets and looking crazy
Jessica KirsonEaster Parade
- 5 min
Caitlyn Jenner: Homophobic Superhero With a Plane
#Tim riffs on Caitlyn Jenner's anti-gay-marriage stance, her old-fashioned-girl defense, a bit about her genitals being fashioned into a cross, her giant private plane, and her relationship with a trans MAGA-influencer partner.
9moments
- Tim mistakes the Easter Parade for a trans pride parade based on the elaborate hats and costumes.
- Some Easter Parade attendees look mentally ill to him, should be institutionalized.
- Trans Visibility Day and Easter coincided this year, which Tim notes as an invented conflict.
- Caitlyn Jenner is the one most upset about the overlap, despite being transgender herself.
- Tim jokes that someone broke into Jenner's Malibu house and stole her genitals during an LA crime wave.
- Caitlyn came to Tim's Christmas party in LA, was lovely, and showed everyone her personal airplane.
- She's described as a real-life superhero, huge and robust, flying a small plane around Malibu.
- Tim has issues with Jenner for being homophobic and opposing gay marriage.
- Tim imagines Jenner flying her plane over Malibu looking for gay marriages to terrorize.
- 3 min
Being Homophobic Against Young Gay People
#Tim jokes about being 'internally homophobic,' hating being called queer, and riffs with Jessica about Jewish complaining vs. WASP silence at restaurants.
9moments
- Caitlyn Jenner's partner was a man and is now a woman.
- Tim's claim: he's homophobic against people under 30, especially young gay people.
- Younger gay people annoy him because they want him to call himself queer, a word he hates.
- Tim contrasts his actual history—fisted, married, had children—with young people who've barely touched someone's shoulder.
- He claims he never actually marched in any gay rights march and can barely get out of bed.
- Tim jokes about his own marching: from the matron to the table, then complaining about the chicken.
- Jews are necessary to make things good because they complain, unlike WASPs who don't acknowledge people lower than them.
- Every elderly person complains constantly; his mother complained about chicken salad before it even arrived from the kitchen.
- Tim equates elderly complaining with Caitlyn's constant public statements.
- 5 min
Caitlyn Jenner as the Leader of Anti-Trans Homophobes
#Continuing the Caitlyn Jenner bit, they debate whether she's homophobic or just doing a bit, joke about her being 74, and pivot into ripping on Ellen DeGeneres for being mean and never booking comedians, favoring dying celebrities instead.
6moments
- Tim argues that Caitlyn Jenner is homophobic and against gay people, despite being trans herself, which he finds interesting given that not all gay and trans people get along.
- The idea that homophobic and anti-trans people have Caitlyn Jenner as their leader strikes Tim as hilarious—their leader is a seven-foot-tall Caitlyn Jenner.
- Ellen DeGeneres characterized as an angry person who, despite being a billionaire, isn't a nice person according to people who worked for her.
- Ellen never had many comedians on her show, preferring A-listers and selecting only comedians with tragic circumstances to feature.
- Ellen liked featuring people who were dying or on their way out because there was no competition—bringing stage-four cases rather than stage-two to avoid future competitors.
- Bit about a dying person's dream to meet Oprah, who welcomes them with assurances of a peaceful time in heaven.
Caitlyn JennerEllen DeGeneresBill CosbyOprah WinfreyAmy Schumer
- 8 min
Oprah, Stedman, Gayle King, and the Spiritual Adviser Rapist
#Tim and Jessica riff extensively on Oprah — her supposed fake marriage to Stedman, her affair theory with Gayle King, her endless chefs and diets, her Oprah Winfrey Girls Academy abuse scandal, and her spiritual adviser 'John of God' who was convicted of rape and trafficking.
12moments
- Tim says he would die if he met Oprah, whom he considers barely real—more like a wax figure maintaining an aura of crazy celebrity.
- Gayle King's appearance in first class meant nothing to him, but he's certain she's Oprah's lover.
- Tim theorizes Stedman and Charles Barkley are together, and isn't convinced Stedman is even a real person.
- Speculation about Oprah and Gayle's intimate dynamic, with Tim suggesting Gayle is dominant in the relationship.
- Despite employing 50 trainers and 45 chefs on every diet imaginable, Oprah gave up and decided to just shoot up.
- Oprah's Monaco house is so large she has to drive her car to reach the kitchen, where she still arrives at 2 a.m. searching for food.
- Her sprawling fairy-tale estate in Monaco is visually stunning but apparently doesn't solve her eating problems.
- Oprah owned schools that faced serious trouble—girls were being trafficked and there were unexplained fly infestations.
- Her spiritual adviser, calling himself John of God, was convicted and sentenced to 99 years for rape and trafficking, running farms where young girls were forced to have babies to sell.
- Oprah endorsed this spiritual adviser a decade ago but merely said she hopes justice is served—taking no real responsibility.
- Oprah's pattern of bringing in celebrity chefs who became millionaires off cookbooks, then mysteriously got fired when the weight didn't stay off.
- Bethany Frankel's diet book "Naturally Thin" reduces to one piece of actual advice: just don't eat, which Tim finds absurdly funny given his own food addiction struggles.
Oprah WinfreyJohn of GodBethenny FrankelGayle KingStedman GrahamCharles BarkleyWhitney Cummings
- 4 min
Bethany Frankel's 'Naturally Thin' Diet Book
#Tim mocks Bethany Frankel's diet book for telling food addicts to just 'eat the rainbow,' tying it into a broader rant about processed 'Franken food' like salted caramel Bananas Foster pancakes at Denny's.
8moments
- Bethany Frankel's opening claim: being naturally thin isn't beyond your grasp, you just have to make simple changes to let your natural thin self emerge.
- Tim pushes back: she says she found the secrets and got naturally thin, but genetic factors and family history matter—his mother had every diet known to man.
- The food system in America is poisoned with ingredients banned in other countries, making it unfair to tell people obesity is just about willpower.
- American food is Frankenfood: cookie ice cream sandwiches, waffle bacon bomb breakfast cereals, and dishes like Denny's salted caramel Bananas Foster pancakes with steak.
- If you're okay right now in this world, there's something wrong with you—you're a killer and a full-on sociopath.
- Telling people with food addiction to just taste the rainbow is like writing a book about alcoholism and telling alcoholics to try different wines.
- Tim admits he hasn't eaten bread orally in three years, and he can't have one cookie because he'll eat 846 of them—he's addicted to food and lost weight by eliminating it entirely.
- Some people genuinely aren't addicted to food, so Bethany's advice works for them, but that doesn't mean it works for everyone with an addiction issue.
- 4 min
Which Celebrities Would You Freak Out to Meet: Woody Allen, Letterman, Spade
#Jessica and Tim discuss which celebrities they'd want to meet, including wanting to look Woody Allen in the eye to judge his guilt, David Letterman as a 'taker,' and hanging out with David Spade in LA.
10moments
- Tim asks who would freak you out to meet and explains his fascination with Woody Allen — wanting to look in his eyes and determine if he's guilty.
- Allen as an opera-like figure, a New York staple, but the added complication that he's around a lot of kids.
- Guest mentions David Letterman as someone he'd freak out to meet, watched him every night growing up.
- Guest says he never liked Letterman despite thinking he's brilliant, categorizing him as a taker rather than a giver in comedy.
- Tim mentions Spade would be interesting because he fears him, notes Spade's wife is a fan and lives in LA.
- Guest hangs out with David Spade in LA and describes it as weird to befriend someone you grew up watching.
- Tim observes that huge celebrities are often so normal that it's disappointing — people freak out over them but then you wish you didn't know that about them.
- Guest explains the most famous people are easier to be around because they're not hungry and trying anymore.
- Tim brings up being in Nobu recently with Taylor Swift, DiCaprio, Travis Kelce, and Robert DeNiro all present.
- Guest agrees that celebrity worship is dying down, invoking Andy Warhol's fifteen minutes of fame quote as the future.
- 3 min
Travis Kelce, Taylor Swift, and 90s Sad Music Nostalgia
#They discuss Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift being too wholesome/positive, launching into a big riff on how 90s alt-rock (Fiona Apple, Alanis Morissette) was full of despair compared to today's overly positive nostalgic pop.
7moments
- Tim notes Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift seem happy and pretty, but he's never been a huge fan of her work.
- Taylor Swift's music is too positive for him—he needs something darker, like he's dying in the corner.
- Tim wants artists like Fiona Apple, Tracy Chapman, and Alanis Morissette back—singers who expressed genuine despair.
- Modern songs are all nostalgic and sentimental, like sitting on a porch drinking tea the singer's mother made.
- Every broken artist now wants to relive summer camp at their place when they first heard sad music.
- Tim contrasts 90s darkness with current music that's so positive it doesn't feel real, especially during actual war.
- The juxtaposition of positive, nostalgic songs against real horror like war in the Middle East doesn't make sense to him.
- 3 min
The Revenge of the Basic B****es
#Tim theorizes that post-COVID culture is dominated by 'basic' energy — Starbucks, TikToks, and podcasts like fictional 'avocados in my [redacted]' hosted by two women discussing dating and getting fisted.
8moments
- Tim's theory: the current cultural moment is the 'Revenge of the Basic' — people who are sedated, medicated, and embodying a generic aesthetic of offended-but-not-really energy.
- The basic archetype now dominates: Starbucks energy, TikTok culture, and a heavily medicated version of what used to be marginalized taste.
- This ascendance happened because everyone got traumatized by COVID and now craves the comfort of basic, unchallenging culture.
- Every podcast is now two women discussing dating for 36 hours a week, with titles like 'Avocados in My [Expletive]' — all extremely basic content.
- Tim parodies a typical basic women's podcast with absurdly graphic and mundane stories about dating, presented as high-stakes revelations.
- These basic podcast hosts somehow become billionaires selling content on Patreon and going on live tours — a complete financial triumph.
- As someone analyzing culture, Tim observes the basic aesthetic has genuinely returned and become dominant in contemporary society.
- The positive development: being basic now means the ass has opened up and everything is more accessible.
- 2 min
Sponsor read for Mack Weldon underwear and apparel, touting antimicrobial fabric and comfort, with promo code TIM for 20% off.
3moments
- Tim endorses Mack Weldon underwear as breathable and comfortable, noting everyone he knows who wears it loves it.
- The apparel gives understated good looks for guys who want to let their personalities do the talking rather than call attention to themselves.
- Tim directs listeners to mackweldon.com with promo code T for 20% off the first order to support the show.
- 1 min
Sponsor read for BlueChew chewable erectile dysfunction medication, including a joke about using it while driving.
1moment
- Tim says everybody he knows who uses BlueChew loves it, and he uses it when he drives because it's fun to have an erection while driving.
- 4 min
City vs. Suburbs, LA vs. New Jersey, Jappy Girls
#Tim and Jessica compare living in the suburbs vs. NYC vs. LA, joking about Long Islanders vs. New Jersey, Persian LA culture, and needing a big apartment now that he's older.
8moments
- Tim grew up in New Jersey, identifies as a New Yorker in his blood, and distinguishes himself from Long Islanders, who he says can transition to LA while he cannot.
- The culture of jappy girls and jappy guys trying to be rich despite being Catholic and poor in Jersey mirrors what exists in LA, just with Persian people instead.
- Whitney Cummings always promises mega celebrities at her house but it's invariably just Melissa Etheridge, and Tim eats her out to satisfy himself because the hired chef's food is terrible.
- Wealthy LA people at a certain price point eat through a needle—they consume almost nothing.
- Tim's ideal living situation is an inner-ring suburb close to the city where you can do what you want.
- Moving back to the city would require a big apartment; he lived in a tiny room while overweight and sometimes had to scissor his way out.
- Real estate prices don't bear any resemblance to reality and don't match actual incomes, which reveals the market is driven by laundered money and foreign oligarchs.
- A $14 million second home beach house in Malibu that no one lives in year-round exemplifies how tiny groups of rich people own everything.
Whitney CummingsLos AngelesNew JerseyMelissa ArridSouth Orange
- 4 min
The Nightmare Tenant Renting Tim's Austin House
#Tim describes a tenant in his Austin rental property who keeps calling and demanding renovations, including wanting to turn a dog kennel into a playhouse, plus his LA house sale due to Laurel Canyon mudslide risk.
8moments
- Tim rented out his Austin house to a tenant who screams and calls the property manager constantly.
- The tenant demands renovations to the backyard, calling the dog kennel a "playhouse" and expecting Tim to fund upgrades.
- The lease locks Tim in for two years with this difficult tenant, who can complain endlessly while paying rent.
- Tim sold his LA house in Laurel Canyon due to geological issues and mudslide risk in the area.
- Mudslide damage occurred down the block, and winter rains in Laurel Canyon have become increasingly destructive.
- Tim doesn't care if someone tries to kill the people who buy his old LA house—he's done with the hillside property.
- Next property purchase will be on flat land, not in the hills, since driving up there makes him nauseous.
- Tim fantasizes about living like a wealthy Persian in Beverly Hills Flats with white couches and crystal chandeliers.
- 2 min
Wanting to Look Like Chrishell/MJ From Selling Sunset in a Burka
#Tim jokes about wanting to dress like a curvy reality TV star from Selling Sunset, wear a burka, and convert his appearance entirely, riffing on huge breast implants in photos.
4moments
- Tim wants to dress like Chrishell from Selling Sunset and grow his hair long.
- He'd transition but keep his dick, describing his ideal body type.
- Tim explains he doesn't like canyon life or LA people pretending to be cowboys—he'd rather be by the beach or in Beverly Hills suburbs.
- Asked if he likes boobs, Tim says they're like a food to him.
- 1 min
Sponsor read for Morgan and Morgan personal injury law firm, touting their size and no-fee-unless-you-win model.
1moment
- Tim vouches for Morgan and Morgan, saying he knows people who use them and are always happy with the service.
- 2 min
Tim reacts to a news quote from a Bentley CEO blaming soft sales on customers' emotional sensitivity about showing off wealth during a recession, arguing rich people don't actually care, and riffing on hating electric cars.
7moments
- Bentley CEO blames low sales on emotionally sensitive clients not wanting to show off nice cars during a recession.
- Tim argues there's always been a recession during his entire life, so the excuse makes no sense.
- Rich people don't care what others think about their cars and won't downgrade to a Camry for anyone's comfort.
- Actual reason for Bentley's decline is probably crime and car theft, not emotional sensitivity about wealth display.
- People simply aren't into luxury cars anymore, regardless of the CEO's justification.
- Tim still sees plenty of Bentleys in Miami, Beverly Hills, and Long Island despite the sales slump.
- Electric cars feel cheap inside and seem like something teachers would drive.
- 4 min
College Kids Today Have Too Much Pressure and Information
#Jessica talks about her daughter going to college and the different pressures kids face now versus her own youth, and Tim riffs on not knowing much about the world as a kid and it being better that way.
9moments
- Tim's daughter is going to college, and he's freaked out by how intense it seems now compared to when he attended University of Maryland.
- The pressure on kids has shifted from figuring out how to earn money to self-actualization, mental health, having the right opinions, and being a good person.
- Kids now know too much from TikTok about mental problems they may or may not have, adding to their anxiety and confusion.
- Tim didn't know what was going on in the world growing up and thinks that was better because he wasn't mature or educated enough to handle it.
- He wants back the '90s with coffee houses where angry musicians screamed about their trauma to passive audiences in big purple chairs.
- Tim recalls a specific song lyric: 'I killed myself four times last night for you,' exemplifying the suicidal angst everyone embraced back then.
- In the '90s, everyone was wicked and suicidal, but had a healthy relationship with the dark arts, like Harry Potter before it existed.
- That decade had Kurt Cobain, Friends, Frasier, Seinfeld, and diners that served good food, without the performative rage that now dominates service jobs.
- Now every job, even frozen yogurt places, acts like they work for the Department of Homeland Security, and employees seem enraged at customers.
TikTokLong IslandUniversity of MarylandFrasierSeinfeldKurt Cobain
- 3 min
Why Everyone at Every Job Is Enraged Now
#Tim riffs on how in the 90s nobody cared about anything (train tickets, jobs) but now every low-level worker acts like Homeland Security, tying into a bit about a confiscated gavel from Morgan and Morgan's sponsorship props, then pivots to how TikTok/social media is destroying society.
9moments
- Tim describes modern workers as incredibly committed to jobs they don't actually know how to do, and angry about it.
- The Starbucks manager can't foam milk but enforces a bathroom code like he's running national security.
- Everyone's filled with fear now compared to the '90s, when people didn't care what you did.
- Security confiscated the Morgan and Morgan gavel from the desk, which he describes as a weapon.
- Tim misses when every day wasn't the most important day of everyone's life.
- TikTok isn't even killing society anymore—we're already gone.
- Tim posts crowd work clips on TikTok because he won't put his actual material online to protect his money.
- Social media shows people too much of everything, and most of it is designed to make you angry.
- The constant stimulation from apps is addictive and creates a weird psychological state.
- 5 min
Tim tells the story of visiting the family of a kid killed by a group of teens in Arizona who filmed and bragged about the attack on Snapchat/TikTok, using it to argue social media is creating sociopathic kids.
8moments
- Tim discusses covering a story in Arizona where kids killed another kid at a party and posted about it on Snapchat and TikTok.
- One of the killers wrote on social media 'I just killed a kid I think I'm too strong.'
- Tim argues that social media and constant online engagement are creating a generation of sociopaths.
- Politicians no longer talk about kids; instead everyone's focused on AI, effectively giving up on the younger generation.
- The Arizona teenagers were conducting random blitz-style attacks on other kids with brass knuckles, hospitalizing them, then filming and posting the violence on TikTok.
- Tim contrasts modern kids' behavior with how previous generations handled anger—they fought but weren't trying to kill people and definitely weren't filming it for social media.
- Tim pivots to nostalgic bit about how people used to express emotions at coffee houses with dramatic, manipulative monologues instead of violence.
- Tim praises his guest Kieran as one of the few comedians he actually enjoys having on the show because she's funny.
social mediaJessica KirsonSnapchatTikTokyouth violenceArizona
- 1 min
Tim and Jessica exchange over-the-top mutual compliments, she plugs her Hulu special and social media, and Tim closes with his own tour dates and special announcement.
3moments
- Tim distinguishes between comics who just want more success and those willing to give back, citing Jessica's example of driving someone to the Hamptons.
- Jessica Kirson provides her contact information: JessicaKirson.com, TikTok, YouTube, and a Hulu special coming in December.
- Tim directs listeners to follow Jessica and plugs his own website TimDillonComedy.com and his special 'Amy Schumer Presents Tim Dillon Live in Gaza.'