Episode 201 · The Ben Avery Era
Classic tier — a personal pick, not a popularity ranking#201 - A Sense Of Time (ft. Ray Kump) | The Tim Dillon Show
with Ray Kump
May 24, 2020 · 1:04:10 · 213,000 views · 20 segments, 128 moments indexed
Tim talks memorial day weekend, big boy cab dispatchers, the type of fame he deserves, and finally proves that Raymond Kump is in fact alive and well.
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- 1 min
Memorial Day Weekend and the Fun Summer of Masks and Drones
#Tim opens with sarcastic commentary on the upcoming pandemic summer, imagining beach drones enforcing social distancing like robotic jellyfish.
3moments
- Tim welcomes listeners to the show on Memorial Day weekend, the kickoff to summer.
- Summer fun will include masks, gloves, spikes, wave runners, and ventilators alongside fireworks and beach balls.
- Drones will fly over beaches to enforce social distancing, telling swimmers to stay six feet apart in the water.
summer beachesThe Tim Dillon Show
- 4 min
Dating Apps, Disney Ultimatums, and Fake Deep Bios
#Tim rants about the cringe humor and shallow bios on dating apps, mocking people's cutesy questions, fake dark humor personas, and Trump-hating as a personality trait.
9moments
- Tim on the nightmare of dating apps and how really hot people never need to communicate effectively because their interactions are purely physical.
- Guy on a dating app makes Disney a deal-breaker for relationships, which Tim identifies as having a Disney ultimatum.
- Dating profiles that lead with "I don't like Trump" as if that's the entire substance of someone's life.
- Tim on the stupid meaningless questions dating apps use like "if there was a movie about your life what would it be."
- Real dating profile answers Tim found: "my favorite thing to do alone is listen to vibey music and chill" and "I speak Spanish fluently."
- Tim suggests the actual funny answer to "fact about me that surprises people" would be "I killed a woman."
- Profile claiming "my love language is acts of service" as an example of terrible dating app answers.
- Someone's personal brand: "dark humor as a defense coping mechanism" — Tim guarantees they have a horrible sense of humor.
- When asked what they order for the table, everyone answers "mozzarella sticks," which Tim uses to mock unoriginal dating profiles.
- 2 min
CDC Flip-Flops on Surface Transmission
#Tim mocks the CDC for walking back its warnings about surface transmission after months of frantic grocery scrubbing, then teases the upcoming Ray Kump interview.
4moments
- CDC reverses course on surface transmission, admitting the virus doesn't really live on surfaces after months of telling people to sanitize everything
- Tim describes the default CDC approach as making people terrified of everything—not just other people, but desks, elevator buttons, anything
- Surface transmission is actually rather unlikely, though the CDC had people frantically scrubbing groceries for three months based on that fear
- Tim recalls asking Ray Kump how he was doing during quarantine and getting the response: 'I'm no longer in the dark room, I have a sense of time'
- 2 min
New Hollywood Manager Gist Lane Maxwell and Melinda Gates Driving Him to a Canyon
#Tim describes firing his longtime manager for a new, ominous-sounding Hollywood manager who wants to meet him alone in a canyon, and jokes about Bill Gates accusing him of the bat/coronavirus conspiracy video.
3moments
- Tim parted ways with his manager of three years and signed with a new Hollywood manager named Gist Lane Maxwell.
- His new manager wants to meet him in a canyon by Malibu late at night, told him to come alone without a cell phone.
- Tim defends the coronavirus bat video to an imaginary Bill Gates, insisting Gates didn't not have sex with a bat.
- 3 min
YouTuber Parody: Like and Subscribe Smash That Retweet
#An extended bit parodying vapid YouTuber content and engagement-bait phrases, escalating into dark jokes about ventilators, dead friends, and chasing new mediums, before pivoting into a real pitch to subscribe to the YouTube channel.
9moments
- Tim's YouTuber parody: filling a kiddie pool with Cheerios, generating 90 million views because people have no families and are addicted to opiates.
- Driving a Lamborghini up a hill for content—viewers will watch and share it because they have nothing inside them and should just like and subscribe.
- YouTube content logic: eating chicken fingers in a hot-air balloon, framed as making viewers happy despite massive spending.
- Switching grandmother's ventilator with an accordion while six kids grab her, all for likes and retweets.
- Tim lists his credentials for YouTube success: no conscience, best friend died in front of him without blinking, dressed like a 12-year-old at 46 with a fanbase of nine-year-olds.
- Defending content creation as branching into new mediums and just trying to make funny things.
- Tim appeals directly for YouTube subscriptions, noting most listeners don't subscribe because they think they're better while jogging.
- Tech giants won't help because the show is edgy and unpredictable, and Mark Normand pointed out edgy used to just mean funny.
- Final call to support the show and Patreon, describing Patreon episodes as good in the larger scheme.
- 2 min
Wanting a Deranged, Devoted Fanbase Like a Cult
#Tim fantasizes about having an unhinged, obsessive fanbase of psychopaths and self-harmers rather than lukewarm comedy club attendees, escalating into increasingly disturbing scenarios.
4moments
- Tim describes the devoted fanbase he deserves: unhealthy followers who stalk him, lose friends over his videos, and threaten violence or suicide tied to his content.
- The ideal fanbase would consist of emo psychopaths on the edge of mass shooting or suicide, instead deciding to consume his content and DM him that he's all that stands between them and a gun in their mouth.
- He rejects lackluster thirty-year-old comedy fans who casually attend his shows, wanting instead hardcore sick people—cutters who are afraid to leave home except for a chance encounter with him in a parking lot.
- Tim wants fans so devoted that they do double-takes at anyone who even looks like him—fat people, lesbians—anyone resembling him causing their pulse to quicken and heart to race.
- 4 min
TikTok Fame, Hype House Envy, and Political Dance Ideas
#He riffs on TikTok stars like Chase Hudson, wishes he could join the Hype/Sway House, and pitches absurd political-conspiracy dance trends, before drifting into an old bit about morbidly obese Long Island cab dispatchers and smoking in cabs.
8moments
- Tim wants to become a god to schoolchildren, worshipped through his merchandise and image.
- YouTubers get mobbed at malls while Tim remains unknown—he questions why he's not in the Hype House or Sway House instead.
- Charli D'Amelio and similar TikTokers achieve massive success by dancing by the pool in expensive homes.
- Tim proposes making TikTok dances about imperialism, the CIA, JFK conspiracies, and the Great Depression instead of standard choreography.
- He refuses to limit himself to radio and podcasting, wanting to expand into different media formats and work with influencer collectives.
- Long Island cab dispatchers were morbidly obese men who never left the station, communicating only to direct fares and smoke cigarettes.
- People used to take cabs on Long Island to do cocaine, a freedom unavailable to those in the Hollywood Hills.
- Tim defines 1980s American freedom as stealing from family, smoking in cabs, and using drugs with pregnant women.
Lil HuddyCIAMichael HastingsHype HouseSway HouseRider StrongBoy Meets World
- 3 min
A BlueChew sponsor read that spirals into a graphic riff imagining a raunchy Broadway musical version of sex acts, tied to the promo code pitch.
4moments
- Blue Chew ad: chewable erectile dysfunction medication with FDA-approved ingredients, delivered discreetly to your door.
- Tim jokes about discreet packaging so your mother won't know it's dick pills when she finds it at your house.
- Broadway musicals are evolving from cutesy shows like Oklahoma into explicit sex musicals with graphic lyrics.
- Blue Chew promo code offer: try it free at bluechew.com with nothing to lose except being an incel.
- 5 min
Tim reads an ad for Keeps hair loss medication, discussing his own fear of balding and a comedian friend who supposedly uses the product.
9moments
- Tim identifies going bald as one of his biggest fears.
- His old boss told him to change before you have to—a quote he still uses.
- Tim agrees that most people can't pull off being bald, citing Woody Allen's observation about needing hair to seem virile.
- He mentions knowing a comedian who uses Keeps and is paranoid about hair loss.
- Tim boasts that his own hair is long, luscious, and luxurious.
- At 35, Tim warns that men in their late 20s and 30s start experiencing real hair loss problems.
- Tim argues that even if you don't think you need hair loss treatment, you actually do.
- He pivots to telling the audience to give themselves more and do something about their appearance instead of accepting mediocrity.
- Tim concludes that people shouldn't walk around with patchy hair and bad skin—they should get themselves in tip-top shape.
- 3 min
Ray Kump calls in confirming rumors of his death are false, comparing himself to Andy Kaufman and Lenny Bruce, and the two riff on a bizarre economics-class analogy about substitution goods.
7moments
- Ray Kump wasn't dead—he'd just disappeared from the podcast and social media, prompting concerned fan messages.
- Tim's take: wealthy, successful people don't get to have existential crises; that's a privilege reserved for others.
- Ray describes himself as mercurial and unpredictable, not a bread-and-butter regular presence but the spicy addition that makes people wonder what's happening.
- Tim compares Ray to Ryan Seacrest, saying Ray offers something similar that people will respond to positively—but as a substitute product.
- High school economics taught that Pepsi wasn't a substitute for Coke but mustard was a substitute for ketchup, which Tim finds completely backwards.
- Schools teach economic substitution using food examples instead of explaining how the Federal Reserve actually works.
- Tim escalates the riff: baked beans are the real substitution for Funyuns, and the education system teaches these absurdities to fat Americans.
- 6 min
Tim and Ray discuss the hollow patriotism around Memorial Day and the Blue Angels flyovers, joking about troop bravery, then Ray recalls his war-veteran Uncle Mike's boozy backyard barbecues and Tabasco obsession.
10moments
- Tim questions what listeners have done for the troops or the country on Memorial Day.
- He argues that American military personnel, dropping bombs from untouchable planes, can't really be called brave in the way soldiers on the ground are.
- Tim notes the contradiction in America selling itself as brave while terrified of everything domestically.
- The government sends troops to do things citizens won't criticize them for, but a subset join specifically because they want to hurt people.
- Tim jokes about being too old to join the military himself, but admits if given the power, he'd drop bombs despite being anti-war.
- He describes going to see the Blue Angels fly over Jones Beach with his family this weekend.
- Tim argues the pilots are likely war criminals responsible for My Lai and Agent Orange testing on troops, yet presented to families as heroes.
- He confesses he can't quite remember how to celebrate Memorial Day since his Uncle Mike's barbecues blurred together with Veterans Day cookouts.
- Uncle Mike was a Korean War medic with a Purple Heart after getting stabbed in the arm.
- Tim recalls his Uncle Mike's obsession with spicy food, nearly choking to death on Tabasco sauce at Thanksgiving.
Agent OrangeMy Lai massacreBlue AngelsUncle MikeKoreaCommack
- 4 min
They discuss Long Island's over-the-top patriotic displays, pot-banging for nurses turning into arrests if done for any other reason, and New York's declining but still dangerous COVID numbers.
5moments
- Tim recalls going with his father to watch Blue Angels flyovers at Jones Beach on Long Island with friends from a steakhouse.
- Long Island has an unending well of patriotism, Tim says, describing how after 9/11 people drove around honking horns and waving flags.
- Pot-and-pan banging for nurses during the pandemic—in Brooklyn, Tim notes, you'd be immediately arrested for it instead of applauded.
- Tim describes New York at roughly a third of peak pandemic cases and admits he stopped listening to pandemic updates a month and a half in.
- Poor pandemic response means the economy has to be ruined anyway, so staying home on St. Patrick's Day would have saved lives if people had actually done it.
Donald TrumpLong IslandJones BeachBlue AngelsBrooklynNew York
- 3 min
Tim compares America's slow societal decay to the fall of Rome, mocks the low bar for Andrew Cuomo's press conferences being called inspirational, and invents a graphic fake conspiracy called 'meatball gate' about the Cuomo brothers.
6moments
- Rome's decline took hundreds of years of gradual decay, like we're experiencing now — not the dramatic Attila moment people imagine.
- During Rome's long decline: payday loans, dumbing down of entertainment, theater getting worse — people complained the shows used to be funnier.
- Rome was founded on bloodlust and killing, then Christianity came in and ruined it — comparing Jesus to Andrew Cuomo as the softening force.
- Tim watched Andrew Cuomo speeches people worship and doesn't understand the appeal — the bar has dropped so low that not openly saying slurs counts as inspirational leadership.
- People are impressed by governors simply not calling people slurs publicly, even if they do it behind closed doors with family.
- Proposal to start a rumor called 'Meatball Gate' about the Cuomo brothers running a human trafficking ring involving meatballs held between their bodies during initiation rituals.
- 4 min
Ray and Tim speculate that Boris Johnson and various celebrities faked or exaggerated their COVID cases, riffing on British classism with David Cameron and imperial history.
9moments
- Chris Cuomo claimed to have coronavirus and said he cured it with breathing exercises, then was dancing in his house two days later.
- Tim suspects celebrities like Jessica Alba and Tom Hanks faked COVID to help calm people down with staged social media appearances.
- Boris Johnson wouldn't stop shaking hands with dying patients because he's old-school British and thinks he's there to show third-world people how lucky they are.
- David Cameron went to the same prep schools as Boris Johnson, both went to Eton, both pretend to be men of the people.
- The ruling class split into two groups: one that pretends to be men of the people and one comfortable being clearly not, yet both are rich and protect each other.
- Blue Angels drop bombs on people and commit murders, then perform at patriotic displays on Long Island.
- American patriotism peaked during the first Gulf War where no one died, because actual sacrifice is considered unpatriotic.
- Black Hawk Down killed a thousand people to save ten Americans, which made the country depressed enough to pull out.
- The U.S. installed and supported Saddam Hussein, then tricked him into invading Kuwait through Operation Gladio to justify the Gulf War.
Boris JohnsonCuomo brothersDavid CameronBlue AngelsBlackhawk DownGulf WarKuwaitVietnam War
- 3 min
They discuss how American 'patriotism' is really tied to wars with minimal U.S. casualties, using Black Hawk Down and the Gulf War as examples, contrasting with Russia's WWII sacrifice.
6moments
- Blue Angels flyovers were meant to inspire people, but JetBlue's coronavirus low pass over New York terrified everyone into thinking 9/11 was happening again.
- Tim argues that after day five post-9/11, everyone knew planes weren't going to hit us again, probably because the CIA had already done what it needed to do.
- Imagining a disappointed CIA pitch meeting in Langley where operatives realize they don't need planes anymore because coronavirus has people terrified enough to accept microchips.
- A CIA operative walks out of the room defeated after spending time on his two-plane mockup, now irrelevant because everyone's focused on the pandemic.
- Tim clarifies this is entertainment and they don't actually believe what they're saying, though they believe everything they're officially told.
- Going overboard with backing the official narrative, then veering into JFK had it coming because a random guy killed him and JFK was a rapist who sold out the country.
Blue AngelsJetBlueJohn F. KennedyCIAMichael HastingsLarry Silverstein
- 2 min
A bit imagining a disappointed CIA operative pitching viruses instead of staged plane attacks, veering into JFK and Michael Hastings conspiracy jokes, then back to mundane discussion of pandemic summer plans and meal kits.
5moments
- Tim describes working from home during the pandemic, noting that having a balcony gives him a sense of time unlike the lightless room he used to inhabit.
- The awkwardness of telling someone checking on you that you're not in a lightless room anymore compared to before, like a Game of Thrones answer from the Three-Eyed Raven.
- Tim envisions the future: the Blue Angels will fly over Long Island and fat people will say the n-word.
- Being cautious about venturing out during the pandemic, acknowledging it's very difficult to maintain discipline about health.
- Magic Spoon keto cereal tastes exactly like Fruit Loops despite being marketed as a health product.
- 5 min
A long, absurd back-and-forth with Ray insisting Magic Spoon keto cereal is secretly made of butchered meat, while Tim tries to actually deliver the sponsor read for the promo code.
9moments
- Tim riffs that Magic Spoon is fruit-flavored cereal with no guilt attached.
- Tim pivots to the actual product details: Magic Spoon uses monk fruit to sweeten and has high fat, keto-friendly ingredients.
- He circles back to his meat theory, comparing the cereal to deep-fried pork rinds rolled into circles.
- Tim demands to know the base ingredient, skeptical despite the product's nutritional specs and certifications.
- The price point comes up at $10 per box; Tim acknowledges meat-based products cost more than cheap grain cereals.
- He reframes the pitch: just because it's called cereal doesn't mean it isn't steak — it's a high-protein healthy food.
- Tim jokes that what makes Magic Spoon better than regular cereal is that it's actually recently killed goat, butchered and drained of blood.
- He elaborates that the animal is told beforehand it will become cereal, with an explanation about America's weight problem to justify the slaughter.
- Tim endorses Magic Spoon sincerely as a tool for people committed to health who can't otherwise resist sugar cereals like Cocoa Puffs.
- 2 min
Tim and Ray riff on fat people's unique hatred of other fat people, using their own trip to a Long Island pizza buffet as an example of hypocrisy.
4moments
- Tim pitches a show about serial killers who target fat people.
- Fat people are more hostile to other fat people than thin people are.
- Tim explains the hatred he has for other fat people after being fat for a long time.
- Tim and Ray went to a pizza buffet on Long Island judging other fat people while eating pizza covered in sauce.
- 5 min
Ray shares that a producer who once cooked him a well-done steak is now expecting a baby, leading into a bizarre personal anecdote about Ray's own circumcision and his mother's church prayer group friend.
7moments
- Tim remembers when the well-done steak guy cooked him a steak he should have called out.
- Tim jokes about waiting to see if the baby will be good-looking, maybe with a great dick.
- Tim's mom told him the doctor needed two forceps to circumcise him because of his anatomy.
- A woman in his mom's charismatic prayer group confided that her baby would only stop crying one way.
- The woman said she discovered her baby would stop crying when she put his penis in her mouth.
- Tim explains the woman wasn't getting off on it, but it's definitely rape.
- Tim argues churches need to reopen—these are the prayer groups that make the case for why they should.
- 2 min
The prayer-group woman's disturbing method of quieting her crying baby is revealed as Tim tries to wrap the segment, then Ray promotes his Twitter, podcast, and Patreon before they discuss a UK dating show about impregnating a 41-year-old woman.
7moments
- Tim plugs his social media handles, podcast, and Patreon.
- New UK show called "Labor of Love" features contestants competing to impregnate a 41-year-old woman.
- Tim jokes about the genetic risks of having a baby at 41 and dismisses concerns with gallows humor.
- The show will make millions, so they can afford to handle any resulting disabilities with scholarships and lawyers.
- Tim warns that things are going to get much worse and tells offended listeners to prepare themselves.
- Rat King discusses a Karana Ball video that people should check out.
- Tim signs off and thanks a donor.
Labour of Love