Episode 375 · The Studio Revamp
Dead-Eyed Monsters | The Tim Dillon Show #375
Dec 30, 2023 · 1:09:19 · 390,000 views · 19 segments, 129 moments indexed
Tim examines a story of affluent teenagers terrorizing an Arizona suburb, fighting over Christmas gifts, a totalitarian tourist destination, Southwest Airlines’ customers of size policy and what 2024 has in store.
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- 1 min
Cold Open: Holly Jolly Christmas Sing-Along
#Tim sings a garbled attempt at a Christmas carol, joking that he only ever knows the first line of any traditional Christmas song.
2moments
- Tim struggles to remember full traditional Christmas songs, knowing only the opening lines of classics like "Have a Holly Jolly Christmas"
- He wishes he knew more complete Christmas standards but admits he only has fragments memorized
- 1 min
Setting Up the Final Episode: Is There Ever a Nice Christmas Story?
#Tim notes it's the last episode of the year and muses that this show never manages a genuinely nice holiday story, joking that even "nice" stories on the show are usually bleak, before teasing tonight's story about marauding teenagers in Arizona.
3moments
- Tim questions whether this show ever has a nice Christmas story
- Nice stories are actually more terrifying because they highlight human suffering — like a worker who walked to his job for 70 years only to end up diabetic, amputated, and uninsured
- The actual story: a group of white suburban teenagers in Arizona going around killing people
- 2 min
Introducing Arizona, Scottsdale, and Gilbert
#Tim jokes about his limited knowledge of Arizona geography, praising Scottsdale/Paradise Valley while mocking the rest of the state as hellish desert, before introducing the town of Gilbert, Arizona and disclaiming his usual disinterest in true crime.
5moments
- Tim notes the segment is under heavy scrutiny from censors ahead of the election, claiming he's one of the most powerful members of independent media worldwide.
- Kids are now filming their beatings instead of just experiencing them.
- Arizona is fine only in Scottsdale and Paradise Valley, where Tim has friends with Spanish-style desert mansions who fled California's high taxes.
- Outside Scottsdale and Paradise Valley, Arizona is some type of hell with 115-degree heat, fake aquamarine lakes, and swan boats—essentially Mars.
- The rest of Arizona's surface-of-Mars living conditions make those wealthy enclaves the only inhabitable parts of the state.
- 3 min
The Gilbert Goons and Arizona's Fake-Rich Families
#Tim details the "Gilbert Goons," a gang of privileged Arizona teens accused of violent attacks, riffing on how their families' Olive-Garden-style mansions and gyms make them local royalty by Arizona's low standards.
8moments
- Gilbert, Arizona is a town full of Mormons connected to the LDS church.
- Tim explains why he doesn't usually follow true crime: women fantasize about men who love them enough to kidnap them.
- He reads news from across the country and the world, breaking stories before they hit mainstream coverage.
- A marauding gang of white privileged children in Gilbert, with parents who own an Orange Theory gym, is being treated like Arizona royalty on Reddit.
- Arizona residents are so desperate living in literal hell that anyone with a kickboxing gym becomes like the Kennedys to them.
- The houses in Gilbert use outdoor fireplace finishes on their entire exterior, a detail Tim finds distressing about Arizona construction.
- Tim clarifies he respects people in Scottsdale, Paradise Valley, and the Phoenician area—not everyone in Arizona deserves criticism.
- The gang of kids killing people in the street are called the Gilbert Goons.
Gilbert Arizonatrue crimeMegan MarcoLDS churchGilbert goons
- 2 min
The Mormon Connection and a Dumb Religion Tangent
#Tim explains the Gilbert Goons' ties to Mormonism, detours into mocking the Mormon faith's origin story via Joseph Smith, and notes his cousin's husband was excommunicated, plus a riff on the Marriott family being closet Mormon gangsters.
5moments
- Tim calls Mormonism a very stupid religion compared to other world religions.
- Tim's view as he gets older: if a religion helps you live a good life, do it—as long as it doesn't infringe on his right to disagree.
- His cousin's husband got excommunicated from Mormonism after realizing at 17 it was nonsense.
- The Marriott family owns all the hotels in the world and are Mormon gangsters—Tim didn't know this.
- Tim insists Mormonism seems objectively silly as a religion, like many created to siphon money and control people.
MormonismJoseph SmithMitt RomneyMarriott familyGilbert Arizona
- 4 min
Cops Do Nothing While Preston Lord Is Murdered
#Tim describes how the Gilbert Goons operate with apparent police protection, culminating in the murder of teenager Preston Lord at a Halloween party, and the community's outrage that no one has been arrested.
7moments
- Tim explains that Mormons in this Arizona community protect their own and are insular, learning this from Reddit and his cousin's husband.
- Kids from privileged families in the East Valley are attacking random people, while the community begs them to stop killing children.
- The cops aren't arresting these wealthy Mormon kids despite the attacks, while Gilbert Arizona is marketed as one of the best places to live.
- These teenage kids are psychotic sociopaths acting out rap videos, armed with guns and brass knuckles, filming themselves in mansions.
- At a Halloween party, a kid named Preston Lord gets murdered—he's attacked and stomped to death by the group.
- After Preston Lord's death, nothing happens; the cops do nothing, supposedly because they're in cahoots with the wealthy parents and the prep school.
- Tim hesitates about naming the school, worried about litigation, but asks if he can at least say the victim's name.
Preston LordGilbert ArizonaMormonsSammy the Bull GravanoLDS
- 2 min
Legal Caution and the Jussie Smollett Comparison
#Tim and a producer discuss how careful they need to be about naming the accused kids or their school, comparing the uncertainty to the Jussie Smollett case while still believing the goons are guilty.
4moments
- Tim jokes about having to be careful discussing the case because of Jussie Smollett parallels where accusations turned out to be false.
- Police did nothing after the kid was killed and now the town has erupted, with residents leaving their homes to demand action.
- Residents of Gilbert, Arizona — from modest Olive Garden-style homes and turquoise desert pools — are walking to the police station demanding the Mormons do something.
- Everyone on Reddit already knows who the perpetrators are, and public pressure is mounting for justice in the case.
- 2 min
A clip plays of Preston Lord's aunt recounting the night of the hospital call and the harrowing scene she walked into, followed by Tim reacting to the tragedy and the failure of the cops to act.
6moments
- Preston's aunt recalls the phone call that her husband answered about Preston being jumped.
- As a nurse, she prepared mentally for the trauma center by imagining bruises, black eyes, or broken bones.
- Arriving first at the hospital and identifying herself as Preston's aunt, the nurse's eyes dropped and avoided contact.
- She was buzzed into a sterile hospital room with minimal furniture and a single medical supply box.
- Tim acknowledges the tragedy and insists the kids who did it must go to jail, but notes the cops have done nothing despite evidence on Snapchat.
- The question becomes how you raise a monster.
violent crimePreston Lord
- 4 min
How Do You Raise a Monster? Suburban Kids with Nothing to Lose
#Tim theorizes about why comfortable suburban kids turn into remorseless killers, contrasting it with kids from rough backgrounds, and discusses parents shielding their children from consequences and possible charges against Gilbert parents.
9moments
- Kids from the projects become sociopaths because they have to shut off their feelings just to function in a violent environment.
- Tim contrasts this with suburban kids who randomly attack others and kill them, then get protected by wealthy parents trying to help them escape murder charges.
- His parents never would have shielded him from consequences if he'd murdered somebody, but apparently many people have that kind of relationship with their families.
- Gilbert police recommended charges against juveniles and adults, which could mean they're charging some of the parents with obstruction.
- Tim explains that losing a child never fully heals—parents can build a good life but never fully recover from it.
- People are calling it a race-and-class issue, and while Tim acknowledges it probably happens more often when perpetrators are Black, there should still be justice for this murdered child.
- The Gilbert perpetrators are a squad of marauding Mormons, according to everything written about the case, and they protect their own out in Arizona.
- Citizens are saying the Gilbert police are either corrupt or incompetent at best, and they're doing nothing about the case.
- Tim predicts that when this becomes national news, it will explode into a very big deal and potentially heads will roll with the cops.
Gilbert PDMormonsGilbert Arizona
- 4 min
Tim reads a news story about a 14-year-old Florida boy who shot his 23-year-old sister Abrielle Baldwin during a Christmas gift argument, then was shot himself by their other brother, riffing on kids getting too many presents and too many guns.
9moments
- Florida teen kills his sister over Christmas presents
- Abrielle Baldwin, 23, was fatally shot by her 14-year-old brother on Christmas Eve
- The shooting started after brothers argued over who was receiving more Christmas gifts while shopping
- Tim insists adults shouldn't be getting Christmas gifts—the cutoff should happen at age 18
- The 14-year-old pulled a 40 caliber handgun and threatened to shoot his 15-year-old brother in the head
- Abrielle told the boys to stop fighting, calling it Christmas; the 14-year-old shot her while she held her 11-month-old baby
- The 15-year-old brother then shot the 14-year-old in the stomach, exclaiming about his sister
- Tim wonders who gave these kids guns for Christmas, suggesting that might have been the actual problem
- Abrielle died from her wounds, leaving two small children without their mother
FloridaLargo
- 5 min
Young People Have Dead Eyes: Kids as a Societal Threat
#Tim expands into a broader rant that young people today are unfeeling, nihilistic, and dangerous due to algorithm-driven upbringings, describing his own unease encountering teenagers in malls and restaurants.
10moments
- Tim on young people as a real threat to the country, carrying guns and committing car burglaries.
- At 38, Tim admits he's on edge when seeing a young person in a high-end mall restaurant, expecting either violence or a lecture about preferred names.
- Young people have been made sick—unfeeling, uncaring monsters shaped by Snapchat trends like "hit a Kitten dead."
- Tim argues young people don't see violence as something real and don't attach value to human life the way older people do.
- Young people have dead eyes—visible in any restaurant, diner, or gastropub when you look at the 14-year-old in a large family.
- Parents outsource child-rearing to iPads and MacBooks without knowing the consequences, and here's what happens: the kids become monsters.
- Go speak to a teenager at a holiday party and you'll see the dead eyes—it's terrifying and there's plenty of evidence now that whatever we're doing to them isn't working.
- Kids are being fully raised on TikTok and algorithms, becoming nihilists in an environment where nothing is real.
- Tim's generation at least saw institutions like the Catholic Church and government fall from a pedestal, but these kids have never had any authority figure worth respecting from the start.
- Their lives are pure chaos from the moment they're cognizant of anything.
young peopleTikTokalgorithmsCatholic Church
- 8 min
Kids Need Jobs: The Case for Child Labor Again
#Tim argues that eliminating child labor and the value placed on college was a mistake, insisting teenagers should be working at movie theaters or factories instead of having endless free time to cause trouble, with riffs on absent hedge-fund and Arizona parents.
15moments
- Modern children have no value system and only think drugs, violence, and money are cool.
- Schools should function like jails and children should be treated as criminals and a threat to society.
- Tim argues that no child in America has a job anymore, unlike when he worked as a kid.
- Children used to work at movie theaters and fairs, but now they sit in mansions doing fentanyl and waving guns on TikTok.
- Society overcorrected after abolishing workhouses—now kids have everything and are completely lazy.
- Tim describes getting his first jobs as a child working with his mother the lifeguard and in a no-coffee restaurant.
- Children should get working papers at 14 or 15 and have actual jobs.
- The anti-work movement is being pushed by people who want to destroy society.
- Suburban kids have no bosses and no responsibility because their parents are checked out chasing money and status.
- Wealthy hedge fund managers in New York abandon their autistic children while they ski in Aspen, leaving them addicted to the internet.
- Removing children from factories was a mistake—they'd be better off working in manufacturing instead of taking on college debt.
- The biggest losers Tim knows are buried in $200,000 student loan debt with nothing to show for it.
- Children have too much free time to kill and their parents don't care if they're committing murders.
- Modern parents give their kids ridiculous fake names instead of Bible names and won't make them work in factories.
- Making kids work in factories is a good happy medium between complete abandonment and idleness.
- 11 min
North Korea Should Become a Tourist Destination
#Tim pitches North Korea on becoming a bizarre tourist attraction, comparing its bleak restaurants and submarine museum unfavorably to Disney World, and imagining an "empty city" luxury spa concept for wealthy Americans seeking silence and novelty.
10moments
- North Korea is trying to become a tourist destination while ramping up their military for war with the United States.
- Tim critiques North Korea's restaurant aesthetic as bleak and notes their public spaces feel haunting and creepy.
- Times Square, Central Park, and Las Vegas rank as America's top tourist destinations, while Disney World only places seventh.
- North Korea's main attraction is a captured American submarine from the 1950s turned into a museum.
- Americans simulate fun through theme parks and cruises because most people can't afford to appreciate nature, history, or cuisine on their own.
- Tim suggests North Korea should lean into its military dictatorship vibe rather than try to be Disney World.
- Tim pitches the idea of North Korea demonstrating its power by turning a town's lights on and off for tourists watching from a restaurant balcony.
- Wealthy travelers already bored with the South of France could find novelty in visiting North Korea's vast empty spaces and taking photos.
- North Korea has accidentally created a space for reflection by keeping its cities quiet and empty, which could become a spa-like retreat for wellness tourists.
- Tim argues North Korea's completely empty cities and mountains offer the perfect vacation, and Americans won't ask uncomfortable questions about where everyone is.
North KoreaUnited StatesUSS PuebloCentral ParkDisney WorldNew York CityTimes SquareFlorida+6 more
- 2 min
Americans Will Praise Any Dictatorship on Vacation
#Tim continues the North Korea bit, arguing Americans are the ideal tourists for any authoritarian regime because they'll ignore atrocities as long as their resort experience is good, citing the Singapore caning as an example of unanimous American approval.
7moments
- Tim describes how Americans ignore genocide happening near their resort if it's not visible from their vacation spot.
- A waiter being killed by rebel forces doesn't stop tourists from asking about beach breakfast arrangements.
- Fat American tourists are the ideal visitors for dictatorships because they don't care what governments do to their own people.
- Americans only speak positively about Singapore's caning system, never expressing any negative opinion about it.
- Tim predicts tourists returning from North Korea would praise it to their friends at Denny's, saying the government keeps things quiet and orderly.
- Dictators prefer American tourists over blathering Europeans who complain about human rights violations.
- Americans thank dictators for torture, take pictures in empty cities, and return home saying they have things figured out.
North KoreaAmerican touristsSingapore caning
- 3 min
Tim reads a HelloFresh ad, hyping the free-breakfast-for-life subscription perk and joking that fresh food will keep kids from becoming "Gilbert Goons."
4moments
- Tim on HelloFresh's approach: nobody wants frozen meals anymore, fresh food you cook yourself is the future.
- Free breakfast for life deal explained: one breakfast item per box while subscription stays active.
- Tim addresses the 'no such thing as a free lunch' saying by pointing out there is such a thing as free breakfast from HelloFresh.
- Company name actually checks out—HelloFresh is fresh because it comes from the farm to your house and you cook it fresh.
- 2 min
Tim reads a Manscaped ad with a Santa Baby-themed pitch for ball trimmers, boxers, and grooming kits, listing the discount code.
3moments
- Tim pitches Manscaped trimmer for shaving genitals, code Tim D at manscape.com
- Manscaped boxers 2.0 feature signature Jewel pouch to keep balls calm and collected
- Tim notes Manscaped is expanding beyond ball trimmer to nose hair and nails for grooming
- 6 min
Southwest's 'Customer of Size' Seat Policy
#Tim breaks down Southwest Airlines' policy letting obese passengers claim a free extra seat, riffing on the humiliation of the seat-reserved sign, imagining a future where planes need entire extra rows and government subsidies for obesity.
8moments
- Southwest launches 'Customer of Size' program offering free extra seat to passengers who cannot lower both armrests
- Armrest serves as the definitive boundary—if you cannot lower both and encroach on adjacent seat, you get a second one
- Tim describes the humiliation of receiving a 'Seat Reserved' document that signals to everyone you're the fat passenger
- The process involves sucking in your gut through boarding, then lifting the armrest and breathing out once seated to reveal the problem
- Tim projects that eventually entire rows will be needed, forcing either $8,000 tickets or government airline subsidies
- Government won't stop poisoning the food supply but will subsidize airlines losing money on obese passengers instead
- Future Southwest flights will have reserved seats in every row marked for passengers' guts, with one seat per row unusable
- Tim jokes about placing a McDonald's bag on the reserved seat as defiant commentary on the policy's absurdity
- 2 min
Tim recaps his worries about the Gilbert case and North Korea, mentions a passing thought about Taylor Lorenz, and rattles off a long list of upcoming tour cities.
4moments
- Tim pitches North Korea on allowing Americans to visit: they'll ignore human rights abuses if there's a waffle machine in the lobby.
- Tim's been skipping Taylor Lorenz's Christmas for four years straight, but lately he's warming up to her.
- He wants to know which unflattering Google Image photos of himself he can get removed from the internet.
- Tour dates announced: California, Ohio, Pennsylvania, DC, Texas, Georgia, Illinois, Florida, and other locations through comedy.com.
Taya LorenNorth Korea
- 5 min
Closing Riff: Hoping 2024 Is Boring, and the Future Four Seasons Gaza
#Tim closes the year by wishing for a boring 2024, joking about Trump and Biden both dying, Jeffrey Epstein returning, and Steve Wynn eventually building a luxury resort on the site of Gaza, ending on a dark bit about a hotel worker who lost family in the war.
10moments
- Tim hopes 2024 will be boring instead of volatile and crazy.
- What if Trump and Biden both die and we get DeSantis and someone else instead.
- Maybe there will be justice for the Gilbert Goons, or they didn't even do it.
- Tim's been asking his New York building to let him put a pool on the roof.
- Trump gets elected again and this time people are just okay with it, no protests or riots.
- Having a positive attitude every day means absolutely nothing and has no bearing on larger issues.
- Steve Wynn could make Gaza sparkle again and turn it into something nice.
- In 20 or 30 years there will be a Four Seasons Gaza where tourists feel weird about the setting.
- Room service at the Four Seasons Gaza will serve eggs benedict with lavash and hummus.
- A guest will ask the server if they're originally from there, then learn they lost their family in the war.
Steve WynnJeffrey EpsteinGazaDonald TrumpJoe BidenIsraelRon DeSantis