Episode 341 · Post-Ben
An American Royal with Bert Kreischer | The Tim Dillon Show #341
with Bert Kreischer
Apr 9, 2023 · 1:52:02 · 524,000 views · 43 segments, 250 moments indexed
Tim sits down with Bert Kreischer about monetizing dreams, how the Ukraine war almost stopped 'The Machine' from being released and why Bert is basically Prince Philip.
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- 1 min
Cold Open: Welcoming Bert Kreischer
#Tim opens the show thanking Bert Kreischer for putting him on his first podcast years ago in LA when nobody else would.
2moments
- Tim welcomes Bert Kreischer and credits him with launching his podcast career
- Bert invited Tim to his house for a podcast when nobody else would give him a shot
- 1 min
Tim and Bert riff on whether podcasting as a medium has a shelf life, comparing it to younger comics who now build careers off short clips instead of live sets.
2moments
- Tim silently takes credit when people he's noticed blow up, comparing himself to a talent scout who can pick winners.
- Tim asks whether podcasting goes on forever or if it eventually stops, and whether younger comics will even bother starting them anymore.
- 2 min
Bert predicts podcast networks and social media companies are dying as everyone moves production in-house; they joke that Joe Rogan is secretly lazy and that not posting your kids on Instagram means you're gay.
8moments
- Short-form clips are what comics need now; getting heckled means you're lucky enough to have content.
- Tim wishes he'd had cameras during his chaotic stage years taking his shirt off and drinking beers.
- Tim runs only himself and his own social media, refusing network deals because he won't lose focus on his own brand.
- Tim's always chased the next thing in comedy—Instagram stories, ticket sales platforms—earlier than most.
- He attributes his early adoption to being less talented than others, so he pays closer attention and works harder.
- Joe Rogan leaves a lot of unused potential on the table with his platform reach.
- If Tim had Rogan's level of power and reach, he'd be making more movies instead of just doing a podcast.
- Joe has the UFC gig, fatherhood, comedy, and the podcast—already juggling multiple jobs.
- 3 min
Bert pitches an absurd concept podcast that lulls you to sleep then guides your dreams while sneaking in ad reads, riffing on MK Ultra-style subliminal advertising and a dream about a history podcast's ad read.
6moments
- Tim calls Joe Rogan lazy, arguing he just talks to someone for three hours and smokes weed.
- Tim claims he asked Rogan about his daughter's name and Rogan stumbled—all family members should be monetized.
- Anyone who doesn't put their kids on Instagram is gay, Tim argues, including people unwilling to monetize family interactions.
- Tim describes building production equipment into his new house to film constantly, and proposes a sleep podcast concept.
- The sleep podcast pitch: partner with Calm to guide listeners into sleep, then take over with curated dreams like fighting dragons at the Eagles Nest.
- Listening to podcasts while falling asleep means your dreams incorporate the content—like a Hitler podcast creating a dream about clearing out the Eagles Nest.
Joe RoganCalm
- 2 min
Bert discusses his Fully Loaded festival and being the fourth biggest arena comic behind Sebastian Maniscalco, Fluffy, and Joe Koy, then tells a wild story about drunk motorcycling on Crow Nation land during a reenactment of Custer's Last Stand.
4moments
- Tim pitches subliminal advertising in dreams, describing podcasts that put people to sleep with embedded ad reads to program listeners like MK-Ultra.
- Tim discusses the Fully Loaded tour hitting minor league baseball stadiums and arenas across the country.
- Tim ranks himself fourth among arena comics, behind Sebastian, Fluffy, and Joe Koy, and jokes about targeting Joe Koy's fanbase to climb the rankings.
- Tim jokes about isolating a minority group to fall in love with him in order to compete with the other top arena comics.
MK UltraFully LoadedThis Day in HistoryJoe CoyJoker (Joe Lopez)
- 2 min
A riff on Elizabeth Warren claiming Native heritage leads into a bit about Bert's own mother claiming to be part Cherokee despite looking nothing like it.
6moments
- Tim partied with a Native American on Crow Nation territory and was pulled over doing 90 mph on a motorcycle while drinking.
- The cop told him to leave the land immediately, but Tim's Native American friend told the cop to ignore him—sovereign land rules.
- To claim Cherokee or Chickasaw heritage, you need bloodline or documentation, unlike Elizabeth Warren's casual claim.
- Elizabeth Warren insisted she could say she's part Native American despite Tim's advice not to.
- Tim's mother used to say she felt part Cherokee, which Tim describes as the most offensive thing he could hear from her fat white mouth.
- Three guys ahead of Tim in some hierarchy are putting people in seats, which Tim finds crazy.
Elizabeth WarrenCrow Nation
- 5 min
Bert reveals a bet that he'd never sell out Raymond James Stadium, discusses how comics helping each other blow up benefits everyone, and tells the story of realizing via Tom Segura's pay how far behind he was early in his career.
11moments
- Tim made a $100,000 bet that he would never perform at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa, though he thinks it will never happen.
- His comedy special The Machine comes out Memorial Day weekend, and if it does well, a Tim Dillon movie will follow next summer.
- When other comics succeed, it helps everyone in comedy — no one should get jealous of other comics doing well.
- Tim remembers seeing Joe Coy post about his tour bus inside an arena and wanting the same thing, though it usually only happens during tornadoes.
- When Tom Segura blew up, Tim realized he was way more successful but they remained friends without a podcast together.
- Tom was getting paid $20,000 per show at Oddball while Tim only made $2,000 a weekend and had to cover his own travel and hotel.
- Tim had to mentally prepare himself to hear Tom's much higher pay rate, sitting at his desk and deciding what number he could handle without ruining their friendship.
- Tim drove himself to create Fully Loaded because he had a grudge about being kicked off the Funny or Die festival as a younger comic.
- The real reason he got cut from Funny or Die was that he didn't draw big names and they wanted to save money by giving his slot to a bigger comic.
- Everything Tim is doing now is in-house, which he believes is the direction comedy is heading.
- He paraphrases common industry advice: be smart, don't start habits, kick them before they kick you, and remember all the phases you've heard a hundred times.
Funny or DieJoe CoyYour Mom's HouseThe MachineRaymond James StadiumFully LoadedOddball
- 2 min
Tim reads an ad for Fume, the non-vape nicotine alternative device, including a bizarre invented story about a friend who stopped eating people after switching to Fume.
5moments
- Fume is a natural diffusive device designed to help trade negative habits for positive ones, not a vape.
- Tim says he's had personal experience with Fume and his friends have become better people after using it.
- A friend of Tim's who was in jail for many years because he was sick and did horrible things to people.
- The friend would find dead people and eat them, which is why he's no longer in jail—he didn't murder anyone.
- After getting out of jail, the friend stopped eating people and started using Fume instead.
- 4 min
Bert explains his business philosophy of being the 'remora fish' controlling all the ancillary businesses (marketing, BTS, social) around his own projects, and details how he personally revived and marketed The Machine movie after it sat shelved over Ukraine/Putin fears.
7moments
- Tim explains his business philosophy using the analogy of being a shark with remora fish—the small sucker fish that ride along and represent his in-house business model.
- The ideal deal structure he would have negotiated: keeping control of marketing, social media, behind-the-scenes content, and ancillary businesses tied to a film rather than farming them out.
- Tim takes credit for The Machine's marketing success, claiming he pulled a shelved movie off the shelf and leaked the trailer on Rogan.
- The movie sat on the shelf because of Putin fears—people worried it would be received negatively due to the geopolitical timing, though Tim argues the story has nothing to do with current events.
- Tim handled the announcement himself and got the trailer widely distributed, achieving significant viral reach within 24 hours.
- Similar approach with Razzle Dazzle: he took control of all behind-the-scenes content, marketing, and editing in-house.
- Tim identifies his actual strength: selling himself to people who already like him, which he applies across stand-up and other ventures.
- 3 min
Bert recalls awkwardly telling Netflix executives 'I got myself here,' compares it to a mortgage boss telling him to act like he'd been there before, and tells a story about a Peruvian friend who wasn't afraid to ask what words meant.
5moments
- Tim says he earned his Netflix special through stand-up work, not through being handed anything.
- In a Netflix meeting congratulating him on the special, Tim blurted out that he got himself there, which came out wrong and sounded inappropriate.
- He compares it to when he made good money in mortgages and walked around acting like he owned the place until his boss called him in and told him to act like he'd been there before.
- Tim had a friend from Peru growing up who would mispronounce words like Rottweiler and Budweiser, but wasn't embarrassed to admit when he didn't know what a word meant.
- Tim learned from that friend that it's okay to be honest about not knowing things and to be openly nervous or scared in new situations.
NetflixWicho
- 2 min
Bert reflects on his relentless touring schedule, being told by a comic that fame 'doesn't go away,' and disagreeing because he watched it go away for others and wants to capitalize while he can.
6moments
- Tim looks at the guest's touring schedule and calls it an amazing commitment but also incredibly demanding.
- The guest was doing six sold-out shows at the DC Improv when Tim first met him, still not yet broken to the theater level.
- Tim got fired from Travel Channel with no podcast money coming in and remembers more successful comics leaving him mid-conversation for someone more famous.
- Tim's philosophy: make hay while the sun shines, because the success goes away for everybody eventually.
- Tim thought he had a couple weeks off before Australia but only has three days, and the pace feels insane.
- Tim asks what the alternative is—suggesting he'll keep this pace until the wheels fall off.
- 2 min
They wonder whether comics miss having an outside discipline the way Rogan has martial arts, with Bert joking about tennis or golf but concluding he doesn't need one.
5moments
- Tim asks whether there's another discipline he should want to master, separate from his comedy and touring work.
- Joe Rogan's martial arts practice — Muay Thai, jiu-jitsu — functions as an essential part of who he is as a person.
- Tim wonders if people miss out on something fundamental by not having that other discipline Rogan has.
- Tim considers whether tennis could be his equivalent — a thing with a group of people, keeping score, that matters.
- Golf comes up as an option, but Tim notes you have to "check back" — an obligation he's never been willing to take on.
- 3 min
Tim reads an ad for Bluetooth, an online chewable ED medication service, describing the ordering process and discount code.
3moments
- Tim's godson, who is two years old and Chinese, was thrown out of The Comedy Store green room for breaking a nonsense rule.
- Bird has more road miles than a Pagans motorcycle gang member, which makes sense given the progression of comedy careers.
- The key to comedy is creating your own world rather than performing within existing venues and their arbitrary restrictions.
BluechtoothThe Comedy Store
- 4 min
Bert explains his rigid rules about not waiting for people at airports or hotel departures, leading into a funny story about a fight with his wife LeAnn over the TSA Clear lane at security.
7moments
- Bert's rule: the show starts when he shows up, not when it's scheduled to start.
- Tim agrees with Bert's airport strategy and uses Clear to avoid waiting.
- Bert tells LeAnn to go through security while he uses Clear; she demands he wait with her.
- LeAnn reveals she has Clear the whole time and Bert didn't know what the white box meant.
- LeAnn called today suggesting she cancel Tim's appearance so Bert could rest.
- Bert says this podcast is his favorite thing to do all day—driving to Beverly Hills with wine.
- Tim's version of fun: hanging out and complimenting other comedians while gossiping.
Leanne
- 3 min
Bert recounts LeAnn nearly cancelling this very podcast taping so he could rest, but he insisted on keeping it, and they riff on enjoying a bottle of rosé and feeling like locals in Beverly Hills.
7moments
- Tim on managers telling successful comedians they're done and the prototype of Doug Stanhope's in-house model
- The catch with total creative control: you're actually working more than ever, not less
- Stabby's house has become a live-in podcast operation with five staff members and random people on the couch
- Schultz runs everything in-house with his best friend as agent and manager, surrounding himself with a team willing to work 24 hours
- LeAnn raises the danger: when everyone's constantly working and monetizing, are we actually living or just grinding?
- Regular life and great material still flow naturally; Tim doesn't need to force artificial activities like pickleball leagues or adult softball
- Tim's drawn to genuine interests: good conversation at airport bars, dive bars, and looking at houses he has no intention of buying
- 3 min
They discuss the glut of comedy specials being released and predict managers will become obsolete, citing Doug Stanhope as the prototype for a comic who built his own self-contained empire.
8moments
- Tim's favorite thing while looking at houses is profiling the people who own them.
- Most sales is fake business—nothing is real until someone signs, which almost never happens.
- Tim represents discerning clients in Los Angeles who don't exist, including hedge funds and investment trusts from Greenwich Connecticut.
- TV realtors go along with his fake inquiries because they're vapid and just want someone to sign the paperwork.
- He calls realtors from traffic to ask about comps and justify listing prices, bringing offers up to the point where they figure it out.
- Tim only targets high-end realtors with his pranks, not the small and medium ones who actually need the money.
- Realtors are dumb and make a lot of money—that's his favorite type of person and the embodiment of the American dream.
- Not being educated but somehow flying by night and making a massive fortune is what the American dream actually is.
realtorsreal estate professionFake business
- 4 min
Bert praises his manager Judy Marmel by name, crediting her with pushing him to do the drive-in movie theater tour during the pandemic and for remembering his dream of doing a comedy cruise for years before it happened.
9moments
- Red Rocks is a big deal, and the cruise was a major goal for Tim.
- Boston Garden show ended up being one of the coolest things he's done, though it wasn't originally on his radar.
- Madison Square Garden would be amazing, but Tim has already exceeded what he ever thought he'd accomplish.
- Tim tells opening acts to stop opening for him, because being seen as someone's opener is the worst thing that can happen to a comic.
- Once you're labeled as an opener, clubs don't respect you and audiences dismiss you as only that person's guy.
- When Joe Rogan asked him to open early in his career, Tim declined because he didn't want to depend on anyone for money or feel obligated by their schedule.
- Tim opened for him once, then declined when asked again—the algorithm of never being someone's permanent opener works.
- After opening a Sandy Sad gig in San Antonio, he came back years later to headline theaters in Chicago, the Masonic, and the Beacon on his own.
- What's impressed Judy most isn't just the venues Tim is playing, but the speed at which he sells them out from a business perspective.
Red RocksBoston GardenAmalie CenterJoe RoganMadison Square Garden
- 2 min
Bert expresses excitement about wanting to make more silly comedy movies like the early 2000s and marvels at how huge live stand-up comedy has become, naming the current handful of arena-level comics.
3moments
- Sam Talent is one of the greatest comics in the country and wrote a brilliant book about stand-up called Running the Light.
- Tim's last opener Marcelo Hernandez is now a breakout cast member on Saturday Night Live.
- ExpressVPN ad: governments are trying to ban VPNs, which means they're good and helping you.
Sam TalentMarcelo HernandezExpressVPN
- 1 min
Tim reads an ad for ExpressVPN, describing the encryption benefits and urging listeners to secure their data with a discount code.
1moment
- Tim pitches ExpressVPN as essential protection against hackers, corporations, and data harvesting by social media companies
- 2 min
They discuss how comics can now build their own careers and audiences directly with no gatekeepers standing in the way, unlike the old club mailing-list era.
5moments
- Tim credits Joe Rogan and other established comedians for sharing their audiences and allowing him to develop his podcasting and stand-up career.
- He loved radio as a kid, listening to everything from psychologists to preachers to political talk.
- Tim describes how listening to Rush Limbaugh in a Ford Taurus on Long Island being driven to dance class is how gay Republicans are created.
- The podcast platform has allowed him to build an audience that comes out to see him do stand-up.
- Tim argues there's a gene in comedy that you either have or don't have, and he's no longer on the fence about whether he has it.
- 1 min
Tim spins into a dark bit about wanting to euthanize his schizophrenic mother at a Taylor Swift concert before pivoting into the Game Time ticket app ad read.
2moments
- Tim explains his learning strategy: observe what people do wrong and avoid replicating it.
- Moving to LA exposed him to both comedians and figures like Logan Paul, whose podcast he recently appeared on.
- 4 min
Bert compares how pretty women get scooped up too fast in comedy to how certain gatekeepers used to only book Brooklyn hipster comics until Guy Code proved there was a bigger underserved audience.
10moments
- Tim decided to start paying attention to Logan Paul after recognizing him as a cool guy interested in comedy.
- Tim almost worked with Logan Paul and once told Rogan he'd invest in making him president if he had unlimited money.
- Comics were stuck in their ways and dismissed internet guys, while Tim took Logan Paul seriously as a personality with a huge following.
- Meeting Logan Paul changed Tim's mind—he turned out to actually like comedy and be a pretty cool person.
- Tim got flak from some fans for talking to internet personalities like Jake Paul; he had Jake on his podcast at a Bitcoin convention in Miami with the Winklevoss twins.
- Tim sat on stage at the Bitcoin Convention right after Jack Dorsey, interviewing the Winklevoss twins and Jake Paul—an absurd and hilarious moment.
- Tim will talk to anyone with no agenda, including reaching out to David Hogg from Portland for his show.
- The guest remarks that Tim's vibe has always been authentically himself, and describes meeting him as the kind of experience where you realize you're not done getting to know someone.
- When Tim met Tom, he was struck by Tom's confidence and self-belief.
- The difference between people who focus on micro wins versus those who look at the bigger picture and aim for larger directions.
Logan PaulJake PaulJoe RoganJack DorseyDavid HoggWinklevoss twinsNELKRob Dyrdek+4 more
- 3 min
They discuss the modern obsession with viral clips over craft, joke about an opener demanding his own 'mothership clip,' and speculate about the day the cultural tide turns against arena comics like Motley Crüe eventually did.
9moments
- Tim discusses how isolating oneself from interesting people like Logan Paul costs opportunities to meet them.
- Everyone now operates in the same space, makes content, and has an audience—no longer in isolated worlds.
- Tim offers business advice on scaling up from one or two employees to six or eight, including hiring a personal assistant for touring.
- If signing a movie deal, Tim would recommend taking control of everything the studio has.
- The problem with small overhead and big income is you don't have to worry about money, which creates complacency.
- Tim recommends hiring a manager and offers his own as an example of someone with golden insights.
- Tim initially backed out of a drive-in movie theater tour after booking twelve dates, but his manager convinced him to try six instead.
- His manager told him: even if it sucks, you'll create content out of it and be worth the effort.
- Tim scaled the tour down from twelve to six dates to test it, got out of the house during the pandemic, and fell in love with it on the first night.
- 3 min
Tim gets emotional contemplating a future without Joe Rogan's podcast, comparing it to Larry King working until he died, and both agree they'll keep touring forever.
6moments
- Judy Marmel manages some of the biggest comics in the world and never stops thinking about opportunities.
- Tim pitched Judy on doing a comedy cruise after the Impractical Jokers cruise, calling it his white whale.
- Judy obsessed over the cruise idea nonstop, sending Tim articles about Kid Rock's and WWE cruises.
- Tim acknowledges he demands a lot from the people who work with him, especially in entertainment.
- Tim wants more early-to-mid-2000s style comedy movies—silly, goofy films people can escape into.
- Comedy is bigger right now than it's ever been, with sold-out theaters and arena tours everywhere.
Judy MarmellImpractical JokersEli RothWWENick news 40Kid Rock
- 2 min
Bert reflects on hating self-promotional comics like Dane Cook early in his career, then realizing he had to become his own promoter to make a living, admitting the irony of becoming what he once mocked.
6moments
- List of arena comics: Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock, Bill Burr, Louis CK, Chelsea Handler.
- Arena comedy went from Dice to Dane Cook to now multiple comedians filling arenas simultaneously.
- Tim explains how comedians learned to control their own careers, isolate fan bases, and bypass traditional gatekeepers.
- Matt Rife is killing it as an arena comic; people confuse him and Tim because they look similar.
- No gatekeepers exist anymore in comedy—anyone can build their own career now.
- Tim brings up a personal situation involving trying to buy tickets, something real he doesn't want to discuss.
Matt RifeTrevor WallaceBill BurrChris RockDave ChappelleLouis C.K.Chelsea Handler
- 3 min
Bert recalls his terrible first-ever joke about 'Papa Boner Smurf' bombing at an alt club, and how he eventually learned he had to be the one telling his own crazy stories on stage.
2moments
- Tim's schizophrenic mother and the plan to euthanize her at a Taylor Swift concert
- Tim remembers being resentful when other comedians got Montreal Comedy Festival spots and he didn't
- 4 min
Bert describes trying to convince reluctant comic Shane Torres to embrace self-promotion, using the 'tree falls in the woods' analogy, and jokes about leaning into the shamelessness of promotion.
9moments
- Tim explains his resentment of people who didn't know he existed before meeting them.
- Shane Torres describes making cringe submission tapes with cool opening music, thinking bookers would like it.
- Tim makes a comparison: beautiful women in comedy get scooped up immediately, whereas he was allowed to be mediocre for years.
- Chelsea Handler cited as an exception—beautiful but was a 'gangster' on stage early on.
- Shane Torres got lucky being a dude who could develop for 22 years before landing the 'hot chick moment.'
- Comics blow up from viral videos but aren't ready, similar to Last Comic Standing winners who can't sustain an hour.
- Tim asks if the current comedy boom will contract once the cool kids start hating comedians.
- Tim celebrates that comedy needs to be hated by the cool crowd—compares it to Nirvana telling MTV to screw themselves.
- For art to stay cool, young comedians need to reject the arena comic path and disrupt the establishment.
- 2 min
They compare styles of tour promotion, discussing how saying 'headlining' versus just 'in town' changes perception, and how Bert tailors chunks of his act to the specific city he's performing in.
4moments
- Tim describes the Brooklyn hipster comedy scene—PBR, beards, New Balance sneakers, shows like Whiplash and Meltdown dominated by gatekeepers who curated taste.
- Guy Code arrived and revealed an underserved market: regular people who didn't live in Brooklyn and didn't want obscure literary references.
- The discovery that younger audiences would buy tickets shifted how clubs operated and brought new comics into venues like the Seller and the Stand.
- Tim started comedy 12 years ago and wonders what the scene will look like another decade from now, noting how unrecognizable it's become.
Girl CodeBrooklyncomedy scene evolutionEcho ParkKnitting FactorySilver Lake
- 3 min
They gush over Joe Rogan's Comedy Mothership club in Austin, and Bert tells the story of getting Ron White to come down and perform 'Tater Salad' live after years of not doing the bit.
7moments
- Tim says he'd like to keep doing big shows like Ron White, maybe not frequently but staying active out there.
- Every comic now films their material for the algorithm and edits clips, whereas they used to be told they couldn't film at clubs.
- Tim gave a guest spot to a young opener at Joe Rogan's club who immediately asked to set up a camera for a Mothership clip instead of just performing.
- Young comics treat him and older performers like dinosaurs, wanting a viral TikTok clip over five hundred hours of podcast.
- Tim jokes they'll eventually be like Mötley Crüe, going to the VMAs and getting rejected by people they admire.
- Tim admits the thing that genuinely flips him out is that one day Joe Rogan's podcast won't exist, even though it's been constant in his life.
- Larry King kept broadcasting until the day he died, and Tim suspects Joe might do the same.
Joe RoganLarry KingKurt CobainRon WhiteMötley Crüe
- 2 min
A riff comparing Austin's constant pull on comedians (Joe and Tom always trying to get everyone to move there) to a spouse relentlessly pushing for something you're not ready for.
3moments
- Tim questions what the future holds, imagining a ninth grader dismissing the show as stupid old guys in Hawaiian shirts drinking rosé.
- People hate Mark Norman wearing sunglasses on the podcast, and Tim argues that hatred is actually good because it means passion still exists.
- Brooklyn smokers criticize the hosts for becoming monsters after getting rich, but Tim notes they'll eventually become a version of whatever they hate.
- 2 min
They riff on the unwritten dress codes of LA (dress like a rich dumb toddler) versus New York, including a great bit about a maître d' who wouldn't seat someone for asking about the dress code.
7moments
- Success in entertainment requires becoming a version of yourself you don't love, having to market yourself constantly.
- Tim hated when comedians would tease big announcements or tell stories about themselves.
- He claims he never bragged or told personal stories in college, even about getting involved with the Russian mafia.
- Rolling Stone discovering him forced everyone to suddenly know stories about his wild party days.
- When Tim got into comedy, he realized he'd have to talk about his crazy stories on stage because nobody knew them.
- His first joke was an attempt at Mitch Hedberg-style absurdism: "Papa Smurf's middle name was boner."
- He performed that Papa Smurf joke in overalls at an alt club and it bombed completely.
Mitch HedbergRolling StoneBrody Stevens
- 2 min
They discuss loving that LA is falling apart because it removes the exhausting 'air of inevitability,' comparing it to how real New Yorkers always trash their own city.
7moments
- Tim realized he had to tell his own stories and promote himself or no one would do it for him.
- His technique: casually drop a wild claim like "I fought a bear one time" and let the listener ask for the full story.
- When starting comedy, he was too cool for self-promotion, but eventually realized it's unavoidable.
- Shane Torres is a brilliant comic who refuses to get comfortable on camera, acting like an 80-year-old aunt avoiding the lens.
- The tree-in-the-woods problem: Shane's a great comic, but people won't search him out or promote themselves without help.
- If Shane takes charge of promotion, audiences discover his comedy and fall in love with him instead of never finding him.
- Tim's approach to promotion's inherent humiliation: lean into the pig aspect and just show people where the pig is.
- 1 min
A quick riff planning to get Lakers courtside tickets and dress like psychopaths while doing it.
2moments
- Tim explains there aren't many cool ways to promote, so you have to go big and stop caring what people think.
- First show sold out, adding a second one—the energy reminds him of early Myspace days when announcing your location actually mattered.
- 1 min
Bert describes bringing his wife LeAnn and daughter Isla on the road for the Fully Loaded tour, with catering, gyms, and polar plunges built in.
3moments
- Tim headlines in Brea tonight, which he says is something cool to be proud of.
- Stavi sold six shows at the Vic in Chicago and Tim breaks down what makes that announcement effective—mentioning the cities makes fans think they'd go see him.
- Once you find your authentic thumbprint as a comedian, you can talk to your fans in a particular way.
StaviShane Gillis
- 3 min
Bert tells his father's story of stumbling into a lucrative home-closing side business, then parallels it with his own lucky breaks getting noticed via Ari Shaffir showing Joe Rogan his Louis C.K. Facebook post.
5moments
- Tim's approach to touring: he worksheets material specific to each region, spending 10-15 minutes on local observations for places like San Francisco or Oklahoma City.
- Bert observes that Tim's brain never stops working, always writing analogies and rants, which prompted him to start writing more himself.
- Tim notes that Bert is the only person in America who hasn't moved to Austin, despite it being the coolest place to do comedy.
- Bert describes the Comedy Mothership in Austin as the most fun comedy club he's been to, saying it was put together perfectly by a comic.
- Bert and Leanne just bought a tour bus and are considering buying a place in Austin on the lake as a centrally located base for it.
- 2 min
Bert traces how Tom Segura waiting around for a delayed dinner with Charlie Murphy led to Joe Rogan noticing him, which set off the chain of luck connecting Bert, Tom, and Joe.
7moments
- Tim regrets not buying real estate in Austin a year or two ago when prices were lower.
- Tim describes his venues in Austin: One Hotel, Two Bears, Yma Studios, and Rogan's Company Mothership.
- Tim had one of the best comedy performances of his life at Company Mothership.
- At Comedy on State, Tim refused to tell the machine story until Ron White came downstairs to tell Tater Salad.
- Ron White performed Tater Salad for the first time in years, and Tim FaceTimed it to Lee and Leanne, whose favorite comics are Ron White and Bernie Mac.
- Joe Rogan's Mothership advantage: all the comics plan to do his podcast constantly while using the amazing club to build material.
- Austin is like a husband who won't stop asking for anal sex—Joe and Tom keep pressuring Tim to move there.
Comedy on StateRon WhiteComedy MothershipJoe RoganBernie Mac
- 4 min
Bert argues Alex Jones, Donald Trump, and Caitlyn Jenner represent the three most uniquely American life stories possible, tracing each of their improbable trajectories.
9moments
- Tim says growing up in New York ruins you for life and spoils you for anywhere else.
- Moving from Los Angeles to Texas was too much of an adjustment.
- The proper way to do LA is going to places like Nobu and the Polo Lounge in a $150,000 car wearing Hawaiian shirt, shorts, and sneakers.
- Tim describes the LA uniform as looking like a big rich dumb toddler with no respect.
- He's sat next to someone in a lime green onesie at the best restaurants in the city.
- Once you start dressing ridiculously in LA, it's hard to go back to New York where you feel obligated to look smart.
- A restaurant host told Tim he couldn't wear a t-shirt and flip-flops, but allowed another customer in the exact same outfit because he didn't ask about the dress code.
- Tim has tactile issues and only wears t-shirts, jeans, and flip-flops every single day.
- His specific flip-flops are available on freewaters.com.
- 3 min
They riff on favorite British royals, praising Prince Philip's 'quiet dignity' and joking cruelly about unflattering photos of Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie.
8moments
- Tim's favorite thing about LA is that it's collapsing, which he finds preferable to places with an air of inevitability.
- New Yorkers will complain about their city for ten minutes straight if you say it sucks, telling you exactly how bad it is.
- There's something exhausting about a place where people all feel like they've read the same brochure.
- Tim doesn't know when basketball season starts and admits he's bad at keeping track of sports schedules.
- The one caveat with his tour schedule is that it will be fully loaded with Leanne Isla and family on the road together.
- The fully loaded tour includes catering, gyms, and polar plunges with multiple days off between shows in different cities.
- Tim describes the fully loaded model as a cheat code for him.
- The strategy is to avoid making money for the first ten years so that by year eleven, when they sell to someone like Budweiser, it feels inevitable and undeniable.
- 4 min
Tim builds an extended bit arguing that Bert has essentially become an American royal, touring with his own 'cavalry,' feasting and drinking, received by adoring crowds wherever he goes.
6moments
- Tim heard a podcast where someone criticized him for only working one weekend a week, and he pushed back by pointing out the guy needs to step up his hustle.
- He used to criticize Kevin Hart for his work ethic, but now sees that the only thing in his control is working hard.
- His father, a lawyer in Florida, got a phone call from someone asking him to do real estate closings and waive the lawyer fee, which turned into a profitable business he eventually sold to Chicago Title.
- Tim spent time analyzing Kevin Hart's luck, wanting to identify the one pivotal moment that changed everything for him.
- Joe Rogan messaged him on Instagram saying his Louis C.K. post was brilliant, then later invited him to do a podcast.
- An earlier stroke of luck was performing well at a comedy show in Brooklyn where Chris Gethard's manager saw him and signed him.
Joe RoganLouis C.K.Kevin HartAri ShaffirChris GethardChicago Title
- 1 min
Bert runs down where to buy tickets for Fully Loaded, The Machine movie premiere livestream, and his upcoming tour stops including Forest Hills, Rupp Arena, and Little Caesars Arena.
4moments
- Tim got an agent after killing at the festival and mentions Hillary being angry at him for calling her fat.
- At JFL in 2016, Tim told his agent he wanted to be put on the road to learn comedy instead of focusing on scripts and other opportunities.
- Joe Rogan allowed Tim to do his podcast, and they hit it off; Tim acknowledges luck played a role in his career.
- Tim's luck is connected to Tom waiting on Charlie Murphy.
- 2 min
Bert admits Austin is a huge part of his life despite hating parts of it, recalling the intense experience of doing the Alex Jones podcast with Joe Rogan a week before the election.
3moments
- Tim recalls Joe Rogan complimenting Tom Segura after Charlie Murphy arranged a dinner, then Joe messaging him afterward and becoming good friends.
- Joe Rogan functioned as a major career catalyst—Tim credits him as the biggest platform he'd ever been asked on at that time.
- Tim and Joe became really good friends and bonded over shared interests and being funny together, though Tim jokes they might only have stand-up comedy in common.
Joe RoganAri ShaffirCharlie MurphyTracy Morgan
- 4 min
Bert tells a story about an old black jazz musician telling an eager young white kid 'you better love the music,' using it to explain that comedy and any craft only sustains you if you genuinely love doing it, not the fame or money.
11moments
- Tim wonders why a powerful figure likes him, given he knows nothing about politics, psychedelics, or space.
- Walked into the green room at Comedy Cellar and didn't know who Alex Jones was until someone pointed him out.
- Tim says he could never be a manager because he would greenlight everything an artist pitched.
- Alex Jones, Donald Trump, and Caitlyn Jenner are Tim's three most American lives of the current era.
- Caitlyn Jenner's life—Olympic decathlete who married into the Kardashian empire whose father got OJ acquitted—only works in America.
- Donald Trump's arc from wrestling heel and reality TV host to president as a gag is another uniquely American movie.
- Alex Jones started out yelling at cops in Austin over Dewey checkpoints, became his own one-man media company, and now owes a billion dollars.
- Tim doesn't understand how Alex Jones's judgment works or what happens with his money and court orders.
- British royalty structure means there's no equivalent to the American figures outside of actual royals.
- Prince Philip had quiet dignity; Princess Beatrice would be fully loaded if somebody had the funds.
- Princess Beatrice likes to throw a few back.
Caitlyn JennerDonald TrumpAlex JonesMeghan MarklePrince PhilipO.J. SimpsonPrincess Beatrice
- 10 min
Bert describes his favorite feeling in comedy as the moment he figures out how to fix a bit (like finding the ending line for The Machine's Russia story), then closes by describing his running group text with Jim Norton, Dan Soder, Ari Shaffir, Sal Vulcano, and Nate Bargatze full of inside jokes.
10moments
- Tim observes that royal family members are inbred.
- Prince Philip would arrive at islands and demand to see light-skinned women to sleep with first.
- Tim once told someone having panic attacks that today is the best it will ever be, because they're making money and no one forced them to quit drinking.
- Tim compares himself to a royal: he travels with a cavalry, owns his own chariot, is received by adoring masses, and drinks wine whenever he wants.
- Americans have a fifth grade reading level, which is how Tim has figured out how to be an American royal.
- The most intense podcast Tim ever did was with Alex Jones and Joe Rogan a week before the election during the pandemic in Austin.
- An older Black jazz musician told a young white jazz kid at Smalls in New York: you better love the music, because everything else is ancillary.
- The moment Tim loves most in stand-up isn't killing with a bit, it's the moment right before when he figures out how to say it differently and knows it will murder next time.
- Tim demonstrates with a story about finding the ending to the machine bit: instead of a generic punchline, he had the character spit vodka in someone's face and say this is Russia.
- Tim's closest friends are literally the funniest people in the world, and they're on a text thread called fuck where they only write we're not there yet and I'm on my way.
Ari ShaffirDan SoderNate BargatziPrince PhilipAustinPrincess BeatriceThe MachinePrincess Eugenie+3 more