Episode 364 · The Studio Revamp
A Time Gone By with H. Foley & Kevin Ryan | The Tim Dillon Show #364
with H. Foley and Kevin Ryan
Oct 7, 2023 · 1:06:22 · 876,000 views · 19 segments, 136 moments indexed
Tim talks with comedians H. Foley & Kevin Ryan from 'Are You Garbage' about which holiday is the classiest, aunts with dip, starting a pretzel franchise together and coming of age during Halloween.
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- 3 min
Welcome to Fluffy Garbage: Australia Tour Talk
#Tim welcomes the Fluffy Garbage guys to the studio, jokes about the brutal 15-hour flight to Australia, tour ticket sales in Sydney/Melbourne/Brisbane, and a dark joke about Christchurch tickets not selling.
7moments
- Tim is in Australia right now and will be there when this episode airs
- 15-hour flights to Australia are blood clot central and widow maker air; Tim walks around in compression socks to avoid stroking out mid-flight
- Australia is a great country to do standup comedy in despite the long flight
- Tim's Australia tour has Sydney sold out, Melbourne filling up, plus Brisbane, Auckland, and New Zealand dates
- Tim canceled Christchurch because he expected the manifesto shooter's hometown to help sell more tickets but was pleasantly surprised when it didn't
- October weather in New York is too warm; Tim prefers fall to feel like fall
- Tim swam in the ocean in the Hamptons yesterday in October, the Atlantic being cold
Kevin Ryangarbage podcastAustraliaChristchurchSydneyAucklandMelbourne
- 6 min
Ranking the Holidays: Easter's Fake Classiness
#Tim and the guests debate which holiday is classiest vs trashiest, landing on Easter as deceptively classy but actually terrible, covering horseshoes at Aunt Cece's, Easter cigarettes outside church, cruel Easter egg hunts, and a ranking of Easter candy from Russell Stover to white chocolate crucifixes.
11moments
- Halloween is amazing and not the classiest holiday, but Tim explains it's definitely the greatest.
- Tim ranks holidays from classy to trashy, starting with Christmas as potentially the classiest.
- Easter has no real boozing since it's Sunday afternoon church, making it theoretically the classiest holiday.
- Tim's aunt and uncle hosted Easter gatherings where drunk family members threw horseshoes with kids running around getting hit by metal.
- He thought he was bad at horseshoes because he didn't have a cigarette hanging out of his mouth like the uncles did.
- Easter traditions included a pink ham with mustard vinegar glaze and sides, later upgraded to Honey Baked ham when they became popular.
- Tim hates Easter because of pastels, calling them trash and saying they make you feel like a used car salesman in a pink blazer.
- The one good part of Easter is smoking a cigarette outside church with a breeze while priests look at you knowing what you're doing.
- His aunt hid Easter baskets so aggressively in their 5,000-square-foot house on Long Island that kids would start crying trying to find them.
- Easter candy is mostly trash like Peeps, but Reese's eggs and Cadbury Cream Eggs are decent, with London's Cadbury Cream McFlurry being surprisingly good.
- The quality of Easter candy didn't really improve until recently.
Cadbury Cream EggJennifer Lopez
- 4 min
White Chocolate, Jewish Christmas Movies, and Kung Pao Chicken
#They rank white chocolate flavors, discuss the classic Jewish tradition of Chinese food and a movie on Christmas Day, and reminisce about going to the movies with takeout Chinese food as kids.
9moments
- Tim recalls getting hollow, waxy off-brand chocolate bunnies as a kid with a chemical taste.
- Russell Stover bunnies marked a respectable midgrade Easter haul when his father got a bonus.
- Tim received a solid white chocolate crucifix and questions whether that was actually edible.
- White chocolate works better in ice cream, like Godiva's white chocolate raspberry truffle from the late 90s and early 2000s.
- As actual candy, white chocolate doesn't hold up except for Hershey's Cookies and Cream, and Tim loved the pageantry of Easter more than the taste itself.
- Tim was jealous of his Jewish friends who got to go see a movie and eat Chinese food on Christmas Day while everyone else was home.
- A little kung pao chicken and a good movie—nothing wrong with that as a Christmas alternative for Jewish families.
- Going to see movies was better when blockbusters were actually good, like Ace Ventura and The Mask, compared to now.
- The best Chinese restaurants put crispy noodles in a bowl on the table, with good duck sauce and hot mustard, then you go catch something good on the big screen.
GodivaHershey'sRussell Stover
- 7 min
Christmas Decline: Snuggies, Nugget Trays, and the Taco Dip Lady
#Tim charts the decline of Christmas through colored lights, Boomers checking out with store-bought cheese platters, the rise of Chick-fil-A nugget trays and Philly soft pretzel trays, and a poignant riff on the lonely aunt whose entire social life revolves around bringing her taco dip once a year.
10moments
- Tim argues Christmas has declined, citing the prevalence of sweatpants, Snuggies, and casual comfort wear replacing formality.
- Boomers have checked out on Christmas cooking—throwing Xanax before guests arrive and serving store-bought cheese on a platter instead of homemade meals.
- The Chick-fil-A nugget tray ruined the country and marks the beginning of the empire's decline.
- Tim is a part owner of Philly Soft Pretzel Company with three locations, recently opening one in Hampton.
- The soft pretzel tray sat on his lap during a car ride, covered in nugget salt that transferred to his thigh.
- Soft pretzel trays with cinnamon dips have actually improved things and bring people together communally.
- Store-bought trays are replacing homemade dips that grandmothers used to make, marking the true downfall of family gatherings.
- There was always an aunt who existed solely to bring a dip—a woman with no children, just a tiny dog and that one social interaction a year.
- That dip-bringing aunt's only real connection to humanity was the moment someone asked if she brought it, making her smile once a year.
- The downfall of Tim's family parties started when his aunt began making dirt dessert in an actual bucket instead of proper Clay Pot presentations.
Chick-fil-APhilly Soft PretzelUndercover Boss
- 2 min
Dirt Pudding, Mall Food Courts, and Black Friday Traditions
#More holiday food decline talk covering dirt pudding served at a funeral luncheon, and memories of Black Friday mall trips to the King of Prussia food court for bourbon chicken and Sbarro.
5moments
- Tim's first encounter with dirt pudding was at a funeral luncheon in a public park, eaten with a shovel.
- Christmas holidays can go bad, especially when booze and high emotions mix with maxed-out credit cards and family resentment.
- Black Friday tradition: five carloads of family would drive to King of Prussia Mall the day after Thanksgiving for shopping and food court meals.
- Mall food court orders: bourbon chicken, ranch chicken and cheese, Sarayo — Tim was a Sarayo man and still loves it.
- Tim brings up his experience as a tour guide in New York City regarding Sarayo pizza.
- 2 min
Sbarro Breakfast Buffet and Ripping Bong Hits on the Tour Bus
#Tim confesses to eating at the Times Square Sbarro breakfast buffet before giving NYC tour bus tours, and describes sneaking bong hits at the back of the bus while giving half-hearted tours, praising Russian tourists for not snitching.
6moments
- Tim describes eating at the Sbarro breakfast buffet in Times Square while working as a tour guide in New York.
- His technique: take a frozen hash brown patty, add scrambled eggs and bacon, then make a sandwich with the patty on top.
- Tim would eat at Sbarro before giving tours on the bus, which clearly affected his performance and tip earnings.
- During tours, Tim would sometimes sneak to the back of the bus and attempt to smoke weed without being noticed by passengers.
- Russians on the tour bus wouldn't snitch, unlike Americans who Tim describes as rats by nature and quick to report rule-breaking.
- His method for smoking on the bus: palm it, hide it to the side, take a few hits, then toss it off the bus before continuing the tour.
Time Square SabaroNew York CityCentral ParkHell's Kitchen
- 2 min
Christmas Decor Rules and Cash-Gifting Aunts
#Discussion of what separates classy vs sloppy Christmas light displays, and nostalgia for rich childless aunts and uncles who handed out cash at Christmas, contrasted with sad childless holidays as families stop having kids.
6moments
- Tim on Christmas decorations: slovenly exterior lights and flickering cords are a sign of rough Christmas inside the home.
- Rules for Christmas lights—white lights on the tree, or color lights done intentionally as kitsch homage to the 1960s.
- The uncle and aunt without kids who showed up on Christmas with stacks of cash-filled card holders, dispensing crisp fifties.
- Tim's Aunt Kate, an executive at a Philadelphia company, was his godmother and cash-gifting model—extra money for favorite relatives.
- As families age without having children, the holidays become progressively sadder without fresh generational blood.
- What kills holiday joy when there are no kids: families sitting on sectionals staring at cell phones instead of engaging.
- 2 min
Tim, claiming to be out with strep throat, reads a BlueChew ad for chewable ED medication, plugging the promo code TD for a free first month.
3moments
- Tim has promoted BlueChew for seven years, which must mean he loves it.
- You can get it prescribed online without embarrassing doctor visits or running into someone at the drugstore.
- Using promo code TD at bluechew.com gives you the first month free.
- 6 min
Cell Phone Plan Talk Ruins the Sectional, and Ronnie's Prison Update
#Tim riffs on family gatherings devolving into boring cell-phone-plan talk, envies families with an incarcerated member to gossip about, and tells a long story about a stranger at his mother's funeral bringing up her old flame's son Jimmy who's hospitalized and 'trying,' fishing for a room in the Hamptons.
10moments
- Sitting on a sectional discussing cell phone service and family plans kills all meaning.
- Christmas with a divorced family means sitting next to strangers you've never met.
- His stepmother's sister-in-law Libby makes shrimp scampi with garlic powder instead of fresh cloves.
- Tim envies families with someone in prison—at least it's a real topic instead of traffic talk.
- At his mother's funeral, a guy approaches and says he dated his mother back in the day.
- Jimmy tells Tim his son James is in the hospital with drug and mental health problems.
- Jimmy's exact words: 'He's in the hospital right now but if he tries we'll try.'
- Jimmy then asks if Tim owns property in the Hamptons—his son might need a room when he gets out.
- Another funeral guest calls the death a 'blessing in disguise' because of the inheritance payout.
- Long Island Boomers inherit their parents' houses and immediately complain about the taxes owed on them.
- 6 min
Boomers, Politics at the Holiday Table, and George Floyd on the Salad Line
#Tim marvels at Boomers' technological adaptation while staying stubbornly reactionary, then moves into how modern family gatherings get derailed by political arguments, including his liberal aunt demanding Trump go to jail over her lobster roll and an uncle yelling about George Floyd near the meatballs.
10moments
- Boomers experienced more technological change from the 1960s to 2023 than any generation, yet they maintained the same racist ideas across every new platform from Facebook to TikTok.
- Holidays have become less interesting because everyone already knows what the older relatives think and believe from their social media posts.
- There's no reason to yell George Floyd's name on the salad line while putting meatballs on a plate at a family gathering.
- Tim's relatives get excited when politically divided family members arrive, as if a fuse was lit the moment they walk through the door.
- His aunt interrupted a peaceful pool party to ask when Donald Trump would be put in jail while eating a twenty-dollar lobster roll.
- Before arriving at the gathering, family members spend an hour and a half on Facebook at the island kitchen, getting worked up about news and politics.
- People used to have intrafamily feuds based on real things like inheritance disputes or missing nursing home visits, which made sense.
- Now families fight over politics, which doesn't actually affect their day-to-day lives except for their sense of moral superiority over relatives.
- As a kid, Tim and his cousins fought fist fights over a Snuggles the Bear laundry detergent mascot toy.
- His aunt gave the Snuggles bear to his German cousins, which strained the family because Tim's relatives felt it had been stolen from him and given to Nazi kids.
George FloydDonald TrumpSnuggles the Bear
- 2 min
The Snuggle Bear Feud and Fourth of July Tire Flattening
#Tim describes an old-school family feud over a stolen Snuggles the Bear detergent mascot, then a Fourth of July story where his uncles flattened a drunk uncle's tires to stop him driving, capped by his grandfather knocking someone out and going back to bed.
7moments
- Tim's uncle's wife gets called a Jew at a Fourth of July party, followed by a nose-related comment about her Arab heritage.
- The offended uncle storms off drunk, so Tim's other uncles flatten all his car tires to prevent him from leaving.
- Tim and a neighbor kid watch the tire-flattening from another house while the adults get hammered on Fourth of July.
- Tim's grandfather becomes famous for this move: getting up, knocking someone out cold, and going back to bed without explanation.
- During another holiday, the uncle gets out of hand again and grandfather comes downstairs and lays him out, then returns to bed.
- Tim comes from a tradition of violent, drunken family gatherings with at least one fistfight per year and questions why modern families can't get back to that.
- Tim signs off saying he's out of the office with strep throat for the week.
- 4 min
An extended, absurd bit about supposedly prostituting himself and contracting AIDS trying to afford Taylor Swift tickets, which pivots into a GameTime app ad with promo code TIM for ticket discounts.
5moments
- Tim recounts spending three months prostituting himself to afford Taylor Swift concert tickets because he couldn't navigate scalper websites.
- He contracted full-blown AIDS through sex work, describing it as awkward to bring up but survivable with modern treatment.
- Tim details the extreme acts he performed for money, including a client who wore a mask and held a gun to his head during sex.
- GameTime app offers last-minute tickets, flash deals, and price guarantees—the alternative he wishes he'd known about instead of sex work.
- Every beating and humiliation from clients was worth it when Taylor Swift performed "Love Story" at the concert he finally attended.
Taylor SwiftGameTimeRU Garbage Boys
- 1 min
Technology Making Holidays Angrier
#Tim argues technology has made people perpetually angry instead of just briefly boozy-emotional during holidays, contrasting the old cycle of drunken blowups followed by reconciliation with today's unresolvable political anger.
5moments
- Technology has ruined holidays by making people angry all the time, constantly reinforced by articles and information.
- Holidays used to create emotional release through drinking, a time-release versus binge effect that's now replaced by constant daily anger.
- Alcohol at family gatherings allowed for emotional catharsis—declarations of love or arguments—followed by reconciliation the next day.
- Political arguments online don't resolve the same way because people remain convinced they're right with no alcohol-fueled excuse to apologize.
- In Irish Catholic families, that drunk apology and reconciliation is essential; technology is slowly making people less human.
- 7 min
Egging Houses with Johnny Manx and the Death of Real Halloween
#Tim recounts his coming-of-age Halloween Mischief Night with cool kids egging houses and using shaving cream, contrasts it with the sanitized modern 'Trunk or Treat' phenomenon, and laments that kids no longer go door to door.
9moments
- Tim's first Halloween as an older kid—throwing eggs with cool kids like Johnny Manx, feeling like he was growing up and starring in a movie.
- Trunk or Treat has replaced traditional trick-or-treating, with families decorating car trunks in parking lots during the daytime.
- Tim would rather his kids be kidnapped than attend Trunk or Treat, calling it corny and insane.
- Halloween requires a passage from costumes to a sweatshirt and pillowcase, a life-changing moment that can't happen at Trunk or Treat.
- As a teenager, Tim decided to be a bad one—stealing, doing drugs, and using every substance available to make himself happy.
- Modern drugs are too intense and kill kids before they can experience the kind of fun experimentation Tim's generation had.
- Psychedelics at seventeen or eighteen, acquired through a process and effort, were formative and part of growing up.
- A lot of people don't emotionally grow up anymore, even with apartments and money, because technology has flattened everyone and moved formative experiences online.
- Learning about yourself by disappearing into the suburban night with friends was how real growth happened.
Oil CityJohnny ManxPat McCreaAlfred Kinsey
- 3 min
Choosing to Be a Bad Teenager: Drugs, Acid, and Learning Moderation
#Tim describes deliberately becoming a 'bad' teenager doing weed, coke, percocet, acid and mushrooms, and argues that today's kids skip straight to fentanyl and don't get the same gradual life lessons, worrying that people no longer grow up emotionally.
7moments
- Tim and his friend Shay stole vodka from his aunt Deb in Rockaway, refilling the bottle with water to avoid detection.
- Aunt Deb enjoyed driving her Firebird after a few sangrias, unbothered by anyone's judgment.
- Today's teenagers escalate to extremes — locking relatives in bathrooms, stealing cars, buying heroin — instead of the modest mischief of his generation.
- Tim argues that learning to be a little bit of a delinquent, then catching yourself, is how you develop restraint.
- The toughest guys he knew who never learned moderation are now dead.
- What's missing now is moderation; the appeal of doing wrong things in little doses with caution.
- Every high school class used to have five or ten genuinely nuts kids; now it's half the class, which explains holiday dysfunction.
Aunt DebShayFleetwood MacRockaway Breezy Point
- 5 min
The Night Before Thanksgiving and Watching Your Friend Group Blur
#Tim describes the ritual of the bar the night before Thanksgiving, watching your high school friend group thin out year after year, and identifying 'Steve' who never left the pub, tying it to becoming a functioning adult.
10moments
- Tim describes the night before Thanksgiving as an important moment when friend groups start to blur and separate after high school.
- The first year back at the bar after going away, you're still connected; every year after, faces blur around the edges a little more.
- Coming back to the hometown bar, you notice the guy who went straight there versus the guy who went to Duke or Harvard, and you figure out who you want to be.
- The friend group diminishes over time from ten guys to eight to five to four, eventually just Steve and other Steves drinking beers from prior years.
- Tim realized he was an alcoholic when bar owners started talking to him like an adult about their problems instead of letting him just get drunk with friends.
- Tim argues that holidays and their surrounding activities are important for becoming a fully functioning adult and shouldn't be lost to the digital world.
- Local bars are important and can't be replaced by clubs with DJs or Vegas marathons and celebrity residencies.
- The Lake of Dreams show at SW Steakhouse in Vegas features a singing cigarette-smoking frog performing New York, New York.
- Marshmallow has a residency at the Wynn and they're serving a $40 marshmallow cake with his stupid X-eyes logo shaped like his head.
- Tim demands Marshmallow stop selling the cake because it's grotesque and tells him and meringue to kick rocks.
SW SteakhouseMarshmelloBlack ThornCornellGeorge Washington UniversityWynn Las Vegasmcgerks
- 1 min
Marshmallow's $40 Cake at SW Steakhouse
#A quick jab at DJ Marshmallow's overpriced $40 marshmallow-shaped cake being sold at his Vegas restaurant residency.
1moment
- Tim wants to close on something about the show
- 4 min
Lisa's Lounge: A Bar for People Who Have Nowhere Else to Go on Christmas
#Tim reflects on the show's role chronicling a vanishing era, then tells an extended, touching story about a dive bar named after a girl killed in a drunk driving accident, its cast of regulars (Jen, George, Marge), and the owner's mission to give people with nowhere else to go a place on Christmas.
10moments
- Lisa's Lounge was named after a girl who died in a drunk driving accident; her father put her picture in the middle of the bar and people would toast to her.
- Crazy woman Jen would come in claiming she was having the fire department over for a party, putting out shaving dishes, but nobody would show up because the bartender said she was mentally ill.
- George lived in his car after winning a scratch-off, getting involved with a hooker who spent all his money, and Lisa's Lounge was the only warm place he'd come to.
- Woman named Marge used to come in, [ __ ] herself, and scream at people that they were all [ __ ].
- The bar owner explained he opened the place so people would have somewhere to go that don't have a place to go on Christmas.
- Tim used to think that mission statement was funny as a joke, but looking back on it as he got older, the place had great holiday lights and a distinct smell in December and January.
- Tim went to Lisa's Lounge on Christmas one year when he was in conflict with his family, realizing places like that are actually important.
- These bars serve as institutions for people who end up in that situation, functioning like a revolving door where regulars are there when they need it.
- The place is what feeds people when it isn't Christmas and nobody wants to acknowledge their existence, which fed into depression and family issues.
- Reference to someone making a dip and saying they won't be there tomorrow but will see people Sunday.
Barco Lisa's Lounge
- 2 min
Tim runs through the Fluffy Garbage podcast's upcoming tour cities, plugs his own tour dates and Tim Dillon Comedy site, teases an unspecified November project, and closes in solidarity with Fran Drescher and the union.
5moments
- Kevin Ryan's 'Are You Garbage' podcast — described as CBS Sunday Morning but about Cheetos and bath salts instead of actual news.
- Tour stops announced: Pittsburgh, Buffalo, Toronto, Michigan, Chicago (with added show), Minneapolis, Madison, Milwaukee, Sacramento, San Francisco, San Jose, Washington DC, and Philadelphia in late December.
- Tim calls Chicago his favorite theater market and comedy town, alongside Boston, and says the city is designed for him.
- Tim tells people who don't want to come to Philadelphia to stay home instead.
- All tour dates available at TimDillonComedy.com; Tim's getting off the road in February.