Episode 281 · The Ben Avery Era
#281 - Hewlett Harbor Holiday | The Tim Dillon Show
Dec 28, 2021 · 1:19:00 · 381,000 views · 24 segments, 149 moments indexed
Live from Austin, Texas this week, Tim discusses a Long Island family execution on Christmas morning, Adam McKay's new Netflix film "Don't Look Up", the controversy around "Licorice Pizza", how his Holiday Season went down, and why once…
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- 1 min
Cold Open: Ray Cump and Lucy Contract COVID at Christmas
#Tim opens by explaining that Ray Cump and his girlfriend Lucy caught COVID after visiting for Christmas, and are now recovering at the Four Seasons on his credit card.
2moments
- Tim opens the show with Ray Kump and Lucy, his girlfriend, who both contracted COVID at Christmas
- Ray and Lucy had barely left their house in a very long time before this visit
- 2 min
The Pedialyte and COVID Grocery List Debate
#Tim mocks the strange grocery list Ray sent for his COVID recovery, questioning why anyone would ask for Pedialyte instead of normal recovery foods.
4moments
- His guests are staying at the Four Seasons on his credit card, ordering room service while they recover from COVID.
- Tim receives a grocery list from his sick guest that includes lentil soup and mac and cheese instead of hydration or vitamin supplements.
- Tim questions why anyone with COVID would ask for lentil soup and mac and cheese instead of water, orange juice, or Pedialyte.
- Tim argues that nobody actually gets Pedialyte for COVID, suggesting it's something drunks take after a night on Molly.
- 2 min
Ray's Junk Food COVID Diet
#Tim reads through the absurd list of comfort foods Ray requested (mac and cheese, PB&J, jar sauce) and jokes that this diet would make someone sicker, not better.
6moments
- Tim reads his friend Ray's grocery list for COVID patients: lentil soup, mac and cheese, peanut butter and jelly, pasta, eggs, canned coffee.
- Tim will stock Ray's cupboards so the sick guests can destroy his home while recovering.
- Tim invokes Colin Powell's Iraq doctrine—'if you break it, you own it'—to explain his responsibility for guests who test positive.
- Once guests test positive, Tim has to confine them to a room, attic, basement, panic room, or kennel for seven to fifteen days.
- The grocery list is anti-healing food—the exact diet someone would eat if they wanted to stay sick with COVID, not recover from it.
- Tim notes Ray specified 'jar sauce,' implying Ray didn't trust him to cook homemade sauce for the sick guests.
- 2 min
Everyone's Getting COVID: Ben's Turn
#Tim discusses how even people who avoided COVID for two years, like Ben, are now catching the highly transmissible Omicron wave, framing it as inevitable for everyone.
6moments
- Tim says this is the final wave of COVID and everyone around him has it.
- The really interesting people are those who haven't caught it yet after two years of the pandemic—they're walking around panicked their time is up.
- Ben was one of those uninfected people until now, finally catching it in this highly transmissible wave.
- If Ben—who barely works and spends most of his time on a golf course—can get it, then anyone can get it.
- A toothless hermit living in a ramshackle cabin by the lake would catch it too, since they do about the same amount as Ben.
- Tim notes the virus was mild for most people, but not for you.
- 6 min
Interrogating Ben's Suspicious COVID Symptoms
#Tim grills Ben about faking or exaggerating his COVID symptoms compared to the much heavier Ray Cump, accusing Ben and his wife of scheming to get out of the last days of the tour.
10moments
- Tim accuses Ben of faking illness during the tour while he was on the road earning money.
- Raymond Kump, despite being 800 pounds, is handling COVID fine, while Ben fell apart despite being in good shape.
- Ben got sick during the final days of the tour after complaining the whole time about how hard it was.
- Ben's COVID test showed only a very faint line, almost at the edge of not having it.
- Tim theorizes the Regeneron shot is what actually made Ben sick, not the COVID.
- Tim believes Ben complained to his wife about having to work and orchestrated the whole illness as an excuse.
- Ben almost tried to blame his wife being sick again before catching himself and coming back from Abilene, Texas.
- Tim demands Ben be honest and stop lying and disrespecting the program and the fans.
- Ben admits all he needs is a positive test to skip work, making the rest of the performance unnecessary.
- Tim accuses Ben of getting his wife involved in the scheme to take the fall so neither would have to return for the last three days.
- 1 min
Closing the COVID Interrogation: Ray vs. Ben Comparison
#Tim wraps up the bit comparing Ray Cump's weight to a Chevy Tahoe versus lanky Ben's supposed frailty, insisting something is fishy about Ben's story.
2moments
- Ray Kump weighs as much as a Chevy Tahoe, more than a Traverse, more than an Equinox.
- Ben Avery, a lanky person, was unable to handle the COVID interrogation segment.
- 2 min
Tim and Ben read a BetterHelp sponsor segment about online therapy, discussing convenience, switching counselors, and affordability.
- 5 min
Adam McKay's Don't Look Up Gets Panned
#Tim discusses the negative reviews of Adam McKay's climate change film Don't Look Up, arguing that McKay has abandoned real comedy for ideological message movies aimed at impressing elites, and riffs on how Hollywood no longer cares if audiences find them funny.
10moments
- Adam McKay abandoned comedy to make serious films about climate change because he no longer wants to laugh at white guys in suits.
- Movies built around ideology rather than story tend not to be good, even when the ideology is correct.
- McKay is skilled at comedy about silly white guys because he is one, but he's not equipped to make serious political cinema like Vice or The Big Short showed.
- The Big Short represented the edge of what McKay could do seriously—he needed Margot Robbie in a bathtub to explain credit default swaps.
- Critic Nick Allen writes that Don't Look Up is McKay's worst film, filled with hot air and mediocre jokes masquerading as importance.
- The core problem: a comedy that isn't funny is the last thing you want when making comedy.
- McKay doesn't want to be funny anymore—modern comedy for him is about making wealthy peers say "you're right about that" rather than laugh.
- McKay's target audience is now polite multimillionaires in his circle who will call his work important.
- The ruling class doesn't care if regular people laugh at their movies or like them—that ship has sailed.
- Seth Rogen and his peers genuinely don't care whether the audience enjoys their work anymore.
Adam McKayViceDon't Look UpWill FarrellThe Big ShortMargot RobbieLeonardo DiCaprioSeth Rogen+2 more
- 2 min
Seth Rogen, Sarah Silverman, and the Death of Comedy
#Continuing the McKay discussion, Tim rips into Seth Rogen's Santa Inc. and Sarah Silverman's constant apologizing, arguing comedy has become entirely about politics rather than being funny.
7moments
- Santa Inc., the HBO Max series with Sarah Silverman, about a woman trying to become Santa Claus.
- Everyone Tim grew up liking has become cringe and disgusting.
- It's also not about getting conservative psychopaths together to make right-wing movies.
- Comedy isn't about being funny anymore — it's about pissing people off and making other people happy, which should be the essence of comedy.
- When everything is strictly about politics all the time with no other element, everything will suck.
- Comedy should live in the gray area, not in explicitly defined political territory — there are deeper things about human experience to convey besides who somebody voted for.
- Tim leaves open the possibility he might actually like the movie and would tell everyone to go fuck off if he did.
- 6 min
Tim and Ben cover the news story of a 29-year-old bodybuilder from Brooklyn accused of shooting his parents on Christmas morning in their $3.2 million Hewlett Harbor home, including a parody Christmas song about it.
9moments
- Tim criticizes Ben for lying about COVID while praising Long Island as the greatest place he'll ever visit
- A Long Island bodybuilder named Dino shot both his parents in the face on Christmas morning
- Dino Tomaselli, 29, shot his 65-year-old father in the back and 64-year-old mother in the head at their $3.2 million Hewlett Harbor home
- Tim riffs on the song Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer with a version about Dino shooting his parents
- Tim reflects that family can be trying during holidays, though he's not advocating killing your parents
- Dino supposedly was best friends with his mother, who owned a dance studio with Broadway stars
- When Long Islanders say someone isn't a violent person, it means they're incredibly violent—they're always getting arrested for battery, breaking into ex-girlfriends' apartments, gang wars
- The parents are actually alive and in critical condition, turning the story from tragedy into a potential Hallmark Christmas movie
- The mother was shot in the head and the father in the back, but neither has died as of the current moment
Dino TomissettiLong Island, New YorkBen Avery
- 7 min
Long Island Parents Are Never Innocent: Dino's Family History and Tim's Own Murder Fantasies
#Tim digs into the parents' shady business and racketeering history, jokes that plotting to kill your parents is a Long Island rite of passage, and shares his own exaggerated childhood fantasies of doing so.
8moments
- Dino Sr. was indicted for allegedly paying off union brass and had federal links to organized crime figures.
- Tim's theory: everybody on Long Island is a criminal, everybody has paid someone off, and everybody's kid wants to shoot them.
- Tim says he's seriously planned out murdering both his parents about seven or eight times, not just passing thoughts.
- He used to fantasize about beating his parents bloody with a metal bat so much blood you couldn't see their faces.
- Shooting your mother in the face on Christmas morning or your father in the back is not rare where Tim is from.
- Long Island parents on either side of that house will be well-behaved because the crime shocks neighbors into awareness it could happen to anyone.
- Tim describes the story as fascinating to him, not trying to make light of a woman running a dance school.
- Tim admits he wishes he had the strength to kill his parents but didn't because he was weak.
Long IslandDino Sr.Dino Jr.
- 6 min
Tim reads Dino's Instagram captions and comments from followers offering criminal lawyers, then jokingly declares his full support for Dino's innocence and blames steroids and Trembolone.
11moments
- The dad and grandfather were arrested for operating an illegal waste site and the company pleaded guilty to filing fake documents and secretly subcontracting hospital work for illegal profit.
- Tim notes the company was indicted for racketeering in 1987 for bribing officials to dump construction waste in Jersey, then paid a $25,000 fine and got off.
- Nobody deserves to get shot in the face on Christmas, but Tim questions whether little Dino actually did it since police only arrested him for fleeing the scene.
- Maybe Dino was just stressed and wanted to go work out — police never considered that possibility.
- Examining Dino's Instagram, his caption reads "don't bleed on someone who didn't cut you" with hashtags like blessed, grateful, stay focused, and fitness.
- Tim declares he's being framed by a gangland connection and doesn't believe Dino committed the murders.
- Dino's too much of a pussy to shoot his mother in the head — nobody from their generation actually follows through on killing their parents despite talk.
- Tim blames participation trophies and soft snowflakes as why young people never raised a hand to their parents.
- Instagram comments on Dino's post include people offering criminal defense lawyers, joking about steroids and Rikers Island.
- Long Island culture is about getting the hookup — a guy would tell his friend "yo, my boy got in some shit, shot his parents, but I got him a good lawyer and he only did 20 years."
- Tim concludes it's an unfortunate cycle of violence.
Long IslandElmhurst Hospital CenterJerseyRikers Island
- 2 min
Tim and Ben promote Magic Spoon low-sugar cereal, discussing flavors and the health benefits versus traditional sugary cereal.
5moments
- Magic Spoon uses high-quality sweeteners like Monk Fruit and Zevia instead of sugar.
- Tim pitches the appeal: Magic Spoon lets you feel naughty while actually being healthy.
- The fruity flavor tastes exactly like Fruit Loops without the guilt.
- Breakdown of the nutritional wins: zero grams of sugar, 13-14 grams of protein, four net carbs, 140 calories per serving.
- Promo: Visit magicspoon.com/timdylan and use code Tim Dylan for $5 off a custom cereal bundle.
- 3 min
Tim and Ben discuss the Bespoke Post subscription gift box service, including the knife and hot sauce Tim received, and joke about Tim never getting sponsor freebies.
5moments
- Tim explains the appeal of Bespoke Post's Box of Awesome subscription — curated monthly surprises tailored to the recipient's interests.
- They sent him a knife this month, which he was shocked by how cool it was.
- New boxes release every month across different categories, costs $45 but contains over $70 worth of gear, and 90% comes from small brands.
- Tim got a gut hook knife and some hot sauce in his box.
- The other host complains that Tim has hijacked every sponsor so he and his wife get everything while the host gets nothing.
- 4 min
Tim reads a news report about surging retail sales over the holiday season despite Omicron, and reflects nostalgically on Long Island mall Christmas shopping as a kid.
7moments
- Tim reacts to holiday retail sales being stronger than expected, with 8.5% growth and 47% spike in flocked clothing sales.
- People are buying jewelry for those who aren't dead and should get watches.
- Tim misses going to Long Island malls during holidays with friends to buy gifts for family.
- His childhood area had Christmas lights but also shootings, something he wouldn't trade away.
- Tim didn't get anyone gifts this year and mostly doesn't receive presents either.
- He once tweeted about another year of not getting or receiving any presents, calling it winning.
- Tim expresses cautious optimism about the economy despite Peter Schiff's doom predictions.
Peter SchiffLong Islandretail sales
- 5 min
Charity Bragging: Tim's $10,000 Postmates Call vs. Ben's Check
#Tim and Ben compare their holiday charitable giving, with Tim mocking Ben for writing an anonymous check versus Tim's direct phone call thanking a Postmates driver, and questioning where charity money for kids' gifts actually goes.
9moments
- Tim describes his holiday gifts: hoodies for his wife, a check for his brother, sponsored merchandise for Cole.
- Tim donated $1,200 to a church charity for families without toys at Christmas, funding four homes at $300 each.
- Tim calls a Postmates driver and thanks him profusely on the phone, then claims this affirms human dignity better than writing a check.
- The difference between them: Tim tells people thank you directly, while his co-host just writes checks.
- Tim's co-host questions whether the kids actually get $300, suggesting the charity takes most of the money for operating costs.
- Tim announces he's donating $10,000 to Dino Thomaselli's legal defense because everyone deserves adequate representation.
- Tim admits he doesn't know the names of any of the kids he supposedly gave gifts to and wrote the check on his wife's instructions.
- His co-host notes Tim sent Michelle $500 on Zelle for a similar charity effort but had to cancel the payment because she couldn't receive it.
- Tim says he's been trying to do charity for ten years, then asks if they can get chicken nuggets.
Dino ThomaselliBird DogAviator Nation
- 1 min
Jerry Springer Thought of the Day Tangent
#Tim compares his own moralizing wrap-up style to Jerry Springer's incongruous 'thought of the day' segments after outrageous show content.
2moments
- Tim explains the bad karma rule: you can make fun of dead people, but not living ones.
- Jerry Springer's thought-of-the-day segment would offer profound platitudes completely disconnected from the chaos on his show.
- 6 min
Licorice Pizza Age-Gap Controversy
#Tim and Ben discuss the backlash against Paul Thomas Anderson's Licorice Pizza over its 25-year-old and 15-year-old romantic pairing, debating whether the film is predatory or just true to its 1970s setting, with tangents on Call Me By Your Name casting jokes.
12moments
- The movie features a 15-year-old (Philip Seymour Hoffman's son) and a 25-year-old (the lead singer of Haim) as love interests.
- Tim questions whether they actually have sex in the film, learning they don't but insisting the age gap itself is still problematic.
- Tim poses a direct question: if he as a 25-year-old made a movie about dating a 15-year-old, would people find that cute?
- Tim draws a hard line: romanticizing a relationship between a 25-year-old and a 15-year-old needs to stop.
- Given widespread child abuse, Tim argues it's time to stop romanticizing such an age chasm in media.
- An 18 or 19-year-old can pursue whoever they want and inherit their house, but 15 is different—that's still a child.
- Paul Thomas Anderson apparently frames the relationship as cute and hunky-dory in the film, like a schoolboy crush on a babysitter.
- Tim was originally cast in Call Me by Your Name as the 17-year-old Elio opposite Army Hammer, before it went to Timothy Chalamet and Armie Hammer.
- The movie apparently shows the 25-year-old character exposing her breasts to the 15-year-old, which crosses a clear line.
- The common argument that a young man is cool if he sleeps with his teacher misses the point—it fucks up men, though maybe not as much as it does women.
- Citing historical accuracy as justification doesn't excuse depicting predatory dynamics—making a film true to a slave-owning era wouldn't excuse romanticizing exploitation.
- Tim clarifies he's not arguing against telling stories set in problematic eras, only that he hasn't actually seen the Paul Thomas Anderson film yet.
Call Me by Your NameLicorice PizzaArmie HammerPaul Thomas AndersonWendy WilliamsPhilip Seymour HoffmanTimothée ChalametHaim+1 more
- 2 min
Tim reads Paul Thomas Anderson's New York Times rebuttal defending the film's innocence, then discusses TikTok's outrage campaign against Licorice Pizza.
5moments
- Tim argues you shouldn't avoid telling a story just because it's not politically correct, but notes the balance question matters.
- The concern: giving 25-year-olds the idea it's okay to flash a 15-year-old.
- PTA claims there's no line crossed, nothing but right intentions, and expresses surprise at the kerfuffle over what he sees as not much.
- PTA: "There isn't a provocative bone in this film's body."
- The TikTok narrative typically escalates to zooming in on frames and finding hidden symbols like a NAMBLA logo.
- 6 min
Speculating on Dino's Motive and Blaming Trembolone
#Tim and Ben speculate about what triggered Dino to shoot his parents, debating inheritance versus a spur-of-the-moment argument, and Tim riffs on blaming steroids and Trembolone, suggesting Paul Thomas Anderson make a movie about it instead.
10moments
- Tim questions why the person making the complaint doesn't make a movie themselves if they're so critical.
- He brings up paying his wife way too much money and struggling to afford a condo in Miami as a result.
- Tim notes he's now paying for Dino's legal defense while maintaining that he's innocent until proven guilty.
- Tim speculates that trembolone—Chinese steroids—made Dino go insane, pointing out he's 5'9" and 235 pounds.
- His guest pushes back, saying Tim blames everyone else—China, trembolone—instead of acknowledging Dino made the choice to shoot his mother.
- Tim theorizes the shooting might have been motivated by an inheritance dispute or getting cut out of the family business.
- He dismisses the inheritance theory, saying his guest watches too many movies and doesn't understand how real life works.
- Tim suggests it was probably a spur-of-the-moment argument with a gun in the car, not premeditated.
- While acknowledging roid rage as a factor, Tim argues the parents weren't blameless either, noting Long Island parents are rarely completely innocent.
- Tim calls out Paul Thomas Anderson and Adam McKay, suggesting they should make films about suburbs now where people on trembolone kill their parents instead of nostalgic 70s movies.
Dino Thomas SellePaul Thomas AndersonLong Island parentsAdam McKay
- 3 min
Tim runs through upcoming tour dates in San Diego, Long Island, Red Bank, and the Toronto postponement, plugs the Joe Rogan crossover episode, and reveals the joke that Dino Tomaselli was designing their new studio.
7moments
- Tour dates announced: San Diego this weekend, third show added at Paramount Long Island and Camp Basie Theatre Red Bank New Jersey end of January
- Toronto show moved to February 25th due to capacity restrictions for New Year's
- Tim and guest appearing on Tremolo, Instagram and Twitter as Tim J Dylan Dill
- Recent episode with Joe Rogan where Tim explained the metaverse and Rogan explained Iver Macden
- This is one of the final audio-only episodes; new studio launching in January
- The new studio was being designed by Dino Tomisetti, currently in jail
- Tim says Tremolo really motivates Dino to work on the studio and they're coming to get him out
- 3 min
Closing Riff: Hoping Dino's Parents Survive for Next Christmas
#Tim closes with a bit imagining Dino's parents alive next Christmas bringing up the shooting at dinner, tying back to the Fauci/No Country for Old Men references.
6moments
- Tim notes that many people's Christmases were ruined by Omicron and flight cancellations.
- In Hewlett-Harbor, the true story of Christmas shines through no matter what happens.
- Dino Thomas refused to let Fauci stop his holiday plans.
- Tim hopes Dino's parents make a full recovery so they can have Christmas dinner next year.
- Dino's hypothetical defense: he was having a bad day and on Tremolo.
- Ben asks Tim if he wants to confess to lying about COVID before the show ends.
Anthony FauciDino ThomasNo Country for Old Men
- 4 min
Final Accusation: Ben's COVID Money Scheme Reenactment
#Tim acts out a skit accusing Ben and his wife of faking COVID sympathy to extract more money from him, comparing them to Frank and Claire Underwood from House of Cards.
6moments
- Ben claimed his wife had COVID for like an hour, but Tim sees a pattern of living in constant gray area regarding truth.
- Tim reenacts Ben's COVID scheme: calling in sick to manipulate sympathy and extract money while mocking Tim behind closed doors.
- The con works by building sympathy first, getting Tim's guard down, then attacking—a tactic Ben deployed repeatedly.
- Tim recounts Ben calling about Katie isolating with COVID, then realizing Ben and his wife had the scheme orchestrated together.
- Tim compares Ben and his wife to Frank and Claire Underwood from House of Cards, then corrects himself: Ben's actually just a janitor.
- Tim plugs TimDillaComedy.com, announcing a tremolo product with an absurdly dark promotional offer.
- 1 min
Tim closes the show with a plug for TimDillonComedy.com and a dark joke about selling Trembolone to parent-killers.