Episode 200 · The Ben Avery Era
Classic tier — a personal pick, not a popularity ranking#200 - Knife Fights In Malibu | The Tim Dillon Show
May 17, 2020 · 1:15:10 · 369,000 views · 23 segments, 131 moments indexed
The 200th episode of The Tim Dillon Show. Tim talks Billy Boy blocking out the sun, dining restrictions in Long Island, and the celebrities on cameo all while enjoying a bowl of
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- 1 min
Cold Open: Sunburn at a Stunning Estate
#Tim opens with aloe on a sunburn he got at a friend's seven-million-dollar home, joking about the wealthy Malibu-adjacent lifestyle.
2moments
- Tim opens sunburned with aloe vera on his face, shiny and red after time at a seven million dollar estate.
- The home was a stunning estate, not an average lake house—the beach itself makes a difference.
- 1 min
Tim jokes that LAPD will test everyone they arrest for coronavirus, so committing a crime is now a way to get a free test.
1moment
- If you can't get a coronavirus test in Los Angeles, commit a crime and you'll be taken care of.
- 1 min
A quick plug for Magic Spoon cereal tied to hitting episode 200, with a joke that sponsors he doesn't respect get no plug.
1moment
- Tim celebrates the 200th episode by opening Magic Spoon cereal with zero sugar, three net carbs, and 11 grams of protein.
- 15 min
Long Island Restaurant Reopening Rules, Matilda's Law, and the Death of Dining Out
#Tim reads his dad's forwarded reopening guidelines from a Long Island Italian restaurant point by point masks, gloves, hand sanitizer, temperature checks, the health pledge, banning guests over 70, four-person party limits, Matilda's Law and riffs at length on how absurd and unworkable it all is, expanding into a rant about the death of restaurant culture, his own dining expertise, college being finished as an institution, and his real feelings on Bill Gates before pivoting into open mockery of Gates's sun-dimming plan.
15moments
- Tim's father sends him Long Island restaurant reopening rules from their website.
- No one will go out to eat when waiters show up in beekeeper outfits to hand you butter and sanitizer.
- Reopening guidelines require all employees to wear gloves and masks during service, per CDC or New York State recommendations.
- Hand sanitizer will be readily available to guests, which on Long Island will probably happen via fountains and ice luges.
- Customers must wear masks and gloves provided by the restaurant while eating, removing them only to eat then putting them back up.
- Tables are disinfected before and after each seating, sprayed down in front of diners like a car wash.
- Guests must provide contact info for notification of contagion and pledge they have no COVID symptoms, which Tim notes is truthful on Long Island.
- Matilda's Law will be enforced, named after an annoying Italian-Jewish woman who was loud enough to exempt herself from rules.
- Customers over 70 are not allowed to dine within the restaurant walls, which excludes most of Long Island.
- Maximum party size is four, forcing people to negotiate risks and decide how much they actually like each other.
- Tim predicts college is done and will be reformed into something that actually prepares people for real life instead of weird threesomes and protesting.
- Guests must stay separate while waiting to be seated and not talk to other parties, which will be executed poorly on Long Island.
- The restaurant document includes a whole section on mental well-being, describing how mandatory pauses in service allow consideration of industry burnout.
- Tim claims to specialize in going out to dinner and identifies people who are bad at it, like those who order chicken at steakhouses.
- These guidelines represent a death knell to the restaurant business as we know it, unless vaccines or antivirals change the situation.
Andrew Cuomocollege educationCDCBarack ObamaBill GatesCOVID-19Jeff BezosLong Island+2 more
- 4 min
Tim reads a news article about Bill Gates funding a Harvard stratospheric dust experiment to dim the sun, mock-defending Gates against critics while escalating the absurdity of the plan.
8moments
- Tim claims he hates the Sun after nearly discovering he had melanoma—turned out to be dirt on his body.
- Bill Gates wants to tunnel to the center of the Earth and bring back dinosaurs, and Tim insists he's a good person trying to help people.
- Tim says it doesn't matter that Gates wants to send nuclear weapons to Mars for fun—he understands global warming comes from the Sun.
- Tim reacts to article: Bill Gates wants to shoot dust at the Sun, which is what happens when you let someone have billions of dollars.
- Critics fear dimming the Sun could trigger droughts, hurricanes, and death to millions—Tim dismisses them as conspiracy theorists.
- The project is funded by Gates and pioneered by scientists at Harvard—not a crackpot plan from someone in a garden shed.
- Stratospheric Controlled Perturbation Experiment involves raising two kilograms of calcium carbonate dust twelve miles above New Mexico desert to create a Sun shade.
- SCOPEX is on hold amid fears it could trigger droughts, hurricanes, and death to millions—Tim defends Gates's intentions to cure disease and get rid of the Sun.
Bill GatesMicrosoftHarvardNew Mexico
- 5 min
Defending Bill Gates, Epstein Comparisons, and the Corporate State
#Tim continues the bit of unconditionally defending Bill Gates no matter how sinister his plans sound, comparing him to Epstein and Hitler having redeeming qualities, then pivots into a rant about the merger of government and tech billionaires into an unaccountable "corporate state."
8moments
- Tim defends Bill Gates against Facebook criticism, sarcastically listing conspiracy theories about underground Lycans and global warming.
- He argues billionaires should be allowed to do whatever they want, citing Bezos automating grocery stores and destroying jobs as acceptable.
- Tim refuses to hear criticism of Bill Gates, then immediately pivots to admitting Gates is "kind of up to no good."
- Comparing Gates to Epstein, he suggests everyone has redeeming qualities—maybe Epstein was a good tipper, maybe Hitler didn't smoke.
- He expresses gratitude he doesn't have a billion dollars, claiming he'd be doing wilder shit than Gates if he did.
- Tim explains the corporate state: government and private industry merged into one entity with state power, corporate money, and credibility.
- The combination of brilliant billionaires with government backing creates an unstoppable force that can delete you and impose policies regardless of consent.
- The FBI reads emails and searches without restriction, except they'll tolerate child porn from wealthy people using approved partners but won't tolerate anti-government forums.
- 3 min
Facebook Conspiracy Theorists vs. Hollywood Elite Myths
#Tim mocks both anti-Bill-Gates conspiracy theorists and QAnon believers, then debunks the idea of glamorous Hollywood elite parties, describing his actual quiet life with Whitney Cummings waiting for a bobcat.
6moments
- Tim acknowledges both sides are crazy—conspiracy theorists think everyone in LA is a trillionaire, while he personally believes Bill Gates is the Antichrist and everything traces back to Revelations.
- Most people in the entertainment business aren't living in mansions; they're desperate on the street asking people to buy them dinner in exchange for anything.
- The elite Hollywood parties conspiracy theorists obsess over don't actually exist anymore—Tim's version is him and Whitney Cummings eating Magic Spoon in her backyard waiting to see a bobcat.
- Tim warns against swinging too far the other direction and just sitting at home waiting for Lizzo to tell you what to do.
- Some people made more money during quarantine than they ever had in their lives, and Tim knows guys literally chomping at the bit every time Nancy Pelosi announces another stimulus package.
- Tim doesn't know any genuinely salt-of-the-earth people—he only attracts thieves, goons, and liars into his orbit.
- 2 min
Hurricane Sandy Excuses and Coronavirus as the New Excuse
#Tim riffs on how Long Islanders used Hurricane Sandy as a lifelong excuse for their personal failures, predicting coronavirus will become the same kind of catch-all excuse.
4moments
- Hurricane Sandy gave Long Island friends a decade-long excuse for inevitable failure instead of admitting they failed out of community college and have criminal records.
- Right after Hurricane Sandy destroyed houses, people blamed the storm for ruining their lives—one guy claimed he was a medical biller about to get married until the hurricane hit.
- Tim jokes that Long Island residents blamed Obama's black magic powers for Hurricane Sandy because they voted for McCain.
- Coronavirus could become the new Hurricane Sandy—people's universal excuse for failure, even if they were actually fired drunk two weeks before the pandemic started.
Hurricane SandyLong IslandBarack ObamaCOVID-19Nassau Community CollegeJohn McCain
- 5 min
Tim pitches the Ridge Wallet as easy to sanitize amid the pandemic, does a live sanitizing demonstration, discusses the design and colors, and gives the discount code before drifting into thanking healthcare heroes and joking about his own fake charity photo-ops.
9moments
- Tim describes his father's enormous leather wallet stuffed with pointless cards, breath mints, receipts, and hotel room VIN cards.
- Ridge Wallet is a minimal front-pocket design that's easy to sanitize because of its small size.
- Tim laments living in a dirty world with viruses everywhere conspiring to kill everyone.
- Sanitizing your hands and wallet simultaneously by applying hand sanitizer while holding the wallet.
- Health is the game right now: sanitize everything, take vitamin D, strengthen your immune system, drink water, cut booze unless you need it before buying other supplements.
- Tim feels better with a Ridge Wallet because it can be easily sanitized and represents the future of lean and clean.
- The band option allows you to tuck cash between the band like tucking something between your legs.
- Tim claims he does everything for the heroes, brings them food to hospitals, and takes photos with food he didn't pay for.
- One nurse elbowed him and he told her to stay away because she's as good as dead, though he was kidding.
- 3 min
Comedy Clubs Reopening at 25% Capacity
#Tim discusses comedy clubs starting to reopen at reduced capacity, doubting it will feel like real comedy, and reminisces about a chaotic gig in a poorly designed San Antonio mall club before eating Magic Spoon on mic.
8moments
- Tim on comedy clubs reopening at 25% capacity — he's worked hard to perform full rooms and doesn't think this looks fun.
- He's hoping the 25% capacity isn't permanent and expects to eventually play these smaller shows if normalcy doesn't return.
- His shows feel like a crazy guy who's held people hostage in a mall — that's the energy he markets himself with.
- Some of his best performances were for 14 people in a 500-seat room at an Improv in San Antonio that nobody could find.
- The San Antonio mall was so poorly designed that the club was on the fourth floor, which he jokes nobody in San Antonio will take.
- Tim pivots to a Magic Spoon cereal bit, claiming it cures and prevents Corona.
- He doesn't feel guilty eating Magic Spoon because it's marketed as healthy, though guilt about health has been creeping in since Covid.
- Tim riffs on burning the roof of your mouth with cereal — the razor-sharp edges cut your mouth and it hurts worse than anything.
- 6 min
Why Tim Will Never Do Cameo
#Tim explains why he refuses to join Cameo, riffing on fake personalized birthday messages, his own family relationships, and mocking celebrities like Kathy Najimy and Abby Lee Miller for degrading themselves on the platform.
10moments
- Tim refuses to do Cameo because he can't genuinely pretend to care about strangers' personal milestones.
- He acts out what a fake Cameo message would sound like, imagining cheerful birthday wishes to people he doesn't know.
- Tim claims he won't pretend to care about people's lives when other celebrities do it for millions of dollars per year.
- He describes barely being able to call his own family members with cancer, let alone muster enthusiasm for strangers.
- Tim jokes that he'd only do Cameo to announce murders and tragedies rather than celebrate birthdays.
- He explains skipping his cousin's wedding gift because coronavirus risked making him feel good about himself at the expense of others' safety.
- Cameo works ironically—like when someone paid a celebrity to promote a show—but genuine birthday wishes from faded stars feel degrading.
- Tim wonders who actually wants a Cameo from minor celebrities like the fat witch from Hocus Pocus, even if they're talented.
- Hollywood has fallen so far that watching famous people scrounging for money on Cameo to wish strangers happy birthday is humiliating.
- In the '90s, celebrities like Sharon Stone had real mystique; now they're forced to wish people Happy Valentine's Day for cash.
- 1 min
Abby Lee Miller's Tearful Cameo and Dance Moms
#Tim continues mocking Abby Lee Miller's emotional Cameo reaction and reminisces fondly about Dance Moms as a show that traumatized children.
2moments
- Audrey cried for 30 minutes when she got a gift from Abby Lee Miller, calling it the best present ever.
- Tim praises Dance Moms as a great show because he liked seeing greatness demanded of children and watching them cry over their mistakes.
- 9 min
Tracy the Malibu Realtor and 'It's a Knife Fight Down Here'
#Tim tells an extended story about calling a friend's Malibu real estate agent named Tracy to price out a summer rental, riffing on her repeated "it's a real knife fight down here in Malibu" line and inventing an increasingly dark backstory for her, before comparing East Coast and Pacific seafood quality.
11moments
- Tim gets put on the phone with a Malibu real estate agent named Tracy.
- Tracy tells him the Malibu market is "a real knife fight" and people are snatching up properties left and right.
- Tim riffs on Tracy's backstory: she's coked out, her husband slept with her assistant, and she keeps saying "it's a knife fight" no matter what tragedy befalls her.
- Tracy drives down the PCH in her white Jaguar with "sold" license plates, defining her entire identity by real estate.
- Tim shifts to complaining about his sunburn and plugs Magic Spoon cereal as a healthy breakfast alternative.
- Tim jokes that the healthy cereal market is a knife fight too, and most health foods like Kashi are terrible.
- Tim imagines showing up to a knife fight with a dull butter knife he found on a train instead of a sharp Japanese blade.
- Real estate agents are shallow as puddles with nothing underneath; they have a scripted rhythm and dad jokes they can't deviate from.
- Tim admits Tracy isn't entirely wrong—the Malibu market really is competitive, with rich people throwing houses at each other for summer spots.
- Pacific fish tastes too fishy compared to East Coast fish; he recommends just putting it in a taco with avocado and pico de gallo instead.
- Tim concludes that California coastal fish is disappointing and there's not much that can be done about it.
- 3 min
More Bill Gates Riffing: Nukes at the Moon and Mind Control Chips
#Tim continues riffing on Bill Gates, joking about him detonating nukes for a 4th of July show and implanting mind-control chips that erase negative thoughts.
4moments
- Bill Gates wants to shoot nuclear weapons at the moon for a 4th of July show instead of fireworks.
- Bill doesn't actually want to save the planet—he wants to save your kids' dance studio and the strip mall.
- People on Facebook claim Bill has done more for humanity than anyone who's ever lived.
- Tim describes Gates' plan to implant chips in children that blink when they have negative thoughts and force them to recite love for the country.
- 4 min
Tim pitches Manscaped's Lawnmower 3.0 trimmer and ball deodorant products with the discount code, riffing on the absurdity of shilling ball hair trimmers on a podcast despite his talent.
9moments
- Real estate and manscaping are both knife fights where you need the right tools.
- Manscaped has skin-safe technology and won't nick or snag your sack.
- Tim argues against using ball deodorant and moisturizer, suggesting you should let your balls smell natural.
- Promo code offer: 20% off at Manscape.com for the Lawnmower 3.0, which works waterproof and cordless even in a pool in front of family.
- The Norelco body groomer is their only competition and frankly not that good.
- Tim resents being asked to do Cameo appearances wishing people happy birthdays like an animal.
- Tim laments selling ball hair trimmers on a podcast despite being a remarkably talented individual whose talent exceeds most content on television.
- Other people get big agent deals and money in their abs while their entire careers are practical jokes, but Tim is stuck selling trimmers.
- Final pitch: buy the trimmer and give it to a friend as a nice gift.
- 1 min
A short continuation riffing that the Manscaped trimmer makes a good non-gay gift between friends.
2moments
- Tim pitches the Trimmer as a gift for men, insisting there's nothing gay about it but acknowledging it could signal romantic interest.
- Tim calls realtors out of boredom instead of pursuing actual podcast camp deals or movie deals.
- 3 min
Tim and Ben discuss ExpressVPN for privacy and unlocking foreign Netflix content, detouring into a story about drone flight logs and government tracking before landing on a dark joke about a Bitcoin CEO's child porn sentencing tied to a VPN/Netflix bit.
4moments
- Tim explains that VPNs hide your location from government surveillance and marketing, which is why everyone uses them now.
- A friend told him drone operators must file flight logs so the government tracks their location, but a VPN could let you spoof being elsewhere while flying near restricted areas like the Hollywood sign.
- ExpressVPN sent Tim a story about a Utah CEO who got only 210 days in jail despite possessing 13,000 files of infant and child sexual abuse material.
- Tim imagines the CEO's courtroom defense: he was just using the VPN to binge Doctor Who and watch Spirited Away on Japanese Netflix, claiming it's all a big misunderstanding about accessing restricted streaming services.
- 1 min
Tim finishes the ExpressVPN pitch, listing streaming services it works with and giving the sign-up link for a free three months.
2moments
- Tim jokes that without a VPN, Nancy Pelosi will be following you around nagging you.
- The service offers fast, no-buffering HD streaming without lag on any device in any part of your house.
- 1 min
Tim explains the show's Patreon structure, reassures listeners everything will remain mostly free, and marks the milestone of 200 episodes and roughly 250 hours of content.
2moments
- Tim explains the Patreon tier structure: $5 monthly for extra episodes, $20 monthly adds one extra per week plus a two-hour monthly special.
- Regardless of financial ability, the show will always release four free episodes weekly for anyone who can't afford a subscription.
- 4 min
The History of the Tim Dillon Show
#Tim recounts the show's origin story from early podcasts like Legion of Skanks and the Unbelievable Podcast through Riot Cast, the move to LA, and going independent, crediting Ben and Joe Rogan for the show's growth.
8moments
- Started The Tim Dillon Show in 2016 after doing earlier podcasts including one about aliens and a 2011 version with guys from Queens Network.
- Broadcast out of Ralph Sutton's apartment with Legion of Skanks and Louis, then moved to doing Bastard Radio with Meet him and Nick on YouTube.
- Left Casteel, moved to LA in June, went independent by August or September, and the show has grown massively since.
- Bill Gates and Melinda Gates are celebrity listeners, with Bill planning to hire a team of killers to descend on his apartment.
- Tim thought podcasting would be a side thing while getting a show on Comedy Central, which no longer exists as of a few weeks ago.
- The only reason he's been successful is getting bored easily—he bored of stand-up, then podcasting, so he started making content videos for YouTube and social media.
- The show became stronger when Ben and Tim made it into something they both enjoy making, adding videos they want to grow as big as possible.
- Joe Rogan has been a huge part of the show's growth by having him on repeatedly and promoting their videos.
- 6 min
Broadcasting at the End of the World: Digital Life and Black Mirror Future
#Tim delivers a reflective riff on civilization declining into a permanently online "black mirror" existence, contrasting soulless big YouTubers with real-world performers, and affirms his continued love of live comedy over podcasting despite embracing the medium.
10moments
- Tim describes the apocalypse as longer civilizations decline, the economy worsens, and people grow angrier.
- Black Mirror was named after what a computer looks like when it's off.
- As the outside world gets uglier, people will fall into digital existence and live primarily online for the rest of their lives.
- Tim observes that big YouTube personalities who exist only online have something missing when you meet them in person.
- These digital-only guys are only alive when they're on a screen; there's something sick and sad about that pattern becoming the future.
- Broadcasting from a room while the world falls apart seems like the only appropriate art form right now.
- Tim loves live performance and expects it will come back, but for now this format feels right for the moment.
- Tim jokes that they engineered and released the coronavirus, then clarifies he means the podcast.
- Some people have been living entirely online for years on 4chan and imageboards; the rest of the world is just catching up now.
- Tim will always prefer shitty comedy clubs with real people and actual energy exchange over digital performance, despite being good at this format.
- 2 min
Praising Comedy Colleagues and Lauren Lapkus in Netflix's Yes Day
#Tim praises his fellow comedians and specifically compliments Lauren Lapkus's performance in a new Netflix movie, recalling a funny interaction with her.
4moments
- Tim compares his interaction with comedy colleagues to the dynamic of an office where you greet coworkers daily despite their flaws.
- Lauren Lapkus told him "what are you, the hot take guy" while he was doing jokes on her show.
- Tim praises Lapkus's performance in Netflix's Yes Day, calling her amazing and funny despite not being close with her.
- Tim identifies himself as the hot take guy and says his hot take is how lovely and great Lapkus is in the film.
Lauren LapkusNetflixBill Gates
- 1 min
Closing Taunt to Bill Gates
#Tim closes the episode with a final taunt daring Bill Gates and Melinda to sue him over his jokes about blocking out the sun.
1moment
- Tim warns Bill Gates that ignoring him will lead to blocking out the Sun