Episode 147 · The Porch Era
147 - Love Tim (with Kevin Tienken)
with Kevin Tienken
May 12, 2019 · 1:37:06 · 65,000 views · 19 segments, 159 moments indexed
It's another outdoor episode with Tim in LA! This time, Kevin Tienkin joins Tim on the porch for a discussion about trash TV, living by the beach, and what life is like around the rest of the USA.
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- 1 min
Opening music and applause before the show begins.
2moments
- Tim Dillon Show intro begins with 'Cat Digital Network' branding
- Show title card: 'Tim Dillon's Going to Hell'
- 2 min
Recording Outside and NYC Mixtape Hustlers
#Tim welcomes Kevin Tinkin and explains they're recording outside, riffing on ambient noise, sobering up or relapsing listeners, then diving into New York street mixtape sellers hustling tourists.
6moments
- Tim and Kevin Tinkle recording outside on the back deck again.
- Tim warns listeners not to complain about ambient noise like helicopters unless they're being positive.
- Tim notes most listeners probably fall asleep to the sound of his voice.
- Tim likes recording outside in New York City, unlike LA where you can avoid people.
- In NYC you can't do anything outside without neighbors or someone trying to sell bootleg mixtapes at gas stations.
- Tim notes mixtape hustlers in Times Square use direct-to-consumer marketing for their art.
Kevin Tinklin
- 4 min
White Kids Selling Mixtapes and the Homeless Grandma Grift
#Riff on cultural appropriation applied to mixtape sellers, then a bit about the British tourist scammed with a sob story about homeless children and a grandmother's gangrene.
8moments
- A British tourist paid $60 for a CD in Central Park after being told it would help homeless children.
- The hustle: hand someone a free CD, then claim you're a struggling artist and ask for money—they can't just hand it back.
- White kids selling mixtapes in Central Park is so absurd Tim wishes cops could shoot them on sight.
- Tim admits he's not big on cultural appropriation, but a white kid selling a mixtape genuinely makes him sick.
- Foreign tourists feel guilty about not buying, so they hand over money even when they don't understand the pitch.
- The number "a hundred thousand homeless children" sounds both too high and too low—impossible to verify on Soundcloud.
- You can't just lead with the music; you have to lead with a social ill to make the sale work.
- A man with a dying grandmother and gangrene managed to sell a CD for $80, using his grandmother's flesh-eating disease as the pitch.
- 1 min
Flesh-Eating Bacteria and a Black Widow Bite
#Discussion of necrotizing fasciitis, hypochondria, and a coworker's gruesome black widow spider bite.
3moments
- Tim discusses necrotizing fasciitis and kids getting their bodies eaten by flesh-eating bacteria after swimming in lakes.
- A coworker got bitten by a black widow and the wound looked like a vagina on the side of her leg after doctors opened it up.
- Tim did a report on spiders in eighth grade and remains terrified of them today.
- 3 min
The Tarantula Science Fair Project
#Kevin recounts bringing a pet-store tarantula to his 8th grade science fair with no actual experiment, and Tim compares it to his daughter's failed orange-floating project, riffing on how science fairs reveal bad parenting.
7moments
- Tim brought a tarantula to his science fair instead of doing an actual experiment, and the teacher called him out for it.
- His only goal was to get to keep a spider for a week by lying to his mother that it was required for school.
- Tim's 9-year-old daughter did a science fair project that his family barely helped with because he had video games to play.
- Her project was just oranges in a plastic jug to test whether they float with the peel on, but the water was missing on display day.
- You can tell which parents should be in jail by looking at what their kids bring to the science fair.
- Poor kids show up with hand-written, frayed paper glued to unfinished oak tag while every other child has professionally done poster boards.
- Tim describes a crackhead kid's parents barely noticing his project while cooking rocks in the next room.
- 5 min
Freebasing Crack at 14 and Filthy Drug Houses
#Kevin tells a story about accidentally smoking crack as a young teen, leading into shared memories of filthy, cigarette-burned houses of childhood friends whose parents were addicts.
8moments
- Tim freebased cocaine at 14 with a friend who laughed when someone said it was basically crack.
- A kid named Ryan whose parents were drunks apologized for his dirty house before letting them smoke weed there.
- Tim spent his childhood in filthy houses with cigarette burns, overflowing ashtrays, and Dutch guts scattered everywhere.
- He doesn't trust anybody who hasn't pulled a cigarette-stained blanket over themselves while coming down from coke.
- Tim met Michael, a podcast fan who showed up to a show while actively bleeding from his arm.
- A man bleeding badly to compliment something you're doing is a sincere compliment and means you're on the right track.
- Michael is a dude who women love and guys like, but wants to be taken seriously by other men.
- If Tim looked like Michael, he'd just fuck surfers all day and wouldn't care about having AIDS.
- 16 min
Michael's Bad Marina del Rey Apartment Decision
#A long story about Tim's friend Michael, a good-looking guy who left a stable job to chase weed-industry riches, moved in with a psychotic roommate within hours of meeting him, and now overpays for a run-down apartment near the beach in Marina del Rey.
11moments
- Michael has sexual energy and could seduce people, but makes terrible real estate decisions and loves complaining about them.
- Michael moved to LA, rented an apartment with a good-looking guy who turned out to be a psychopath and revealed he was sexually abused by his uncle.
- The roommate started threatening self-harm within 48 hours of moving in, telling Michael he didn't know what he'd do if they couldn't live together.
- Michael found a Marina del Rey apartment that looks like a decrepit hotel with popcorn ceilings, all-carpet hallways with stains, for $2,400 a month.
- A neighbor on dialysis slipped a note under Michael's door complaining about secondhand smoke because he's not strong enough to close the window.
- Tim argues that being two blocks from the beach is meaningless—you're either on the beach or you're not, and beach towns are disgusting full of drunks and junkies.
- Michael complains there's nowhere to get an $8 food item in Marina del Rey, acting like he was forced into the lease at gunpoint.
- Tim signed a $670,000 mortgage at 23 years old while coked out, which didn't work out well for him or the lenders.
- Michael left a good job making $150,000 a year to pursue the weed business in California, inspired by Tim's risky approach to life.
- Tim explains that rich people don't actually enjoy vacations because they're mentally focused on their business deals, even when on the beach.
- Michael claims he tries to walk to the beach every day before work, which Tim dismisses as a non-rich person thought—you haven't earned the beach.
MalibuMarina del ReyVeniceBeverly HillsWells FargoThe Gathering of the JuggalosLong Island
- 7 min
Tim plugs his new Wix-built website and tour dates, then spirals into an apocalyptic riff about how every institution is collapsing and only having a website (and 'content') will matter in the coming chaos.
11moments
- Tim announces his website and upcoming tour dates in Boston and Mohegan Sun.
- Most people think they don't need a website and can just post on Instagram next to photos of hotdogs or cute dogs, but that doesn't work.
- Tim claims online is the future and that radio, TV, family, government, and God are all done.
- Children will grow up in a chaotic Mad Max situation fighting for food, water, and resources, living in virtual reality interrupted only by bombings and gunfire.
- In a period of such uncertainty, not having a website would be insane; it's where you dock your content and social media.
- Tim offers three minutes of airtime on the show to anyone who buys a Wix premium plan through his site and sends him a screenshot.
- Most people's thoughts have no value, but they'll get three minutes anyway if they purchase the Wix plan.
- Chaos, food shortages, war, and augmented reality games like Pokemon Go times a thousand are coming to society.
- Boston Dynamics robots will police the streets, tearing people apart and gnashing their teeth as society becomes a literal insane asylum.
- What matters is your content, not your family or children—you throw useless quick clips into the ether, try to monetize them, and die.
- Tim directs listeners back to his website for the Wix premium plan with 10% off and free platinum membership.
- 7 min
House Hunters and Beach House Delusions
#Riff on House Hunters-style reality shows, southern realtors, cheap gigantic homes in the middle of nowhere, and fantasies about beach houses versus the reality of homelessness and squalor nearby.
10moments
- Tim watches House Hunters episodes set in real areas with incompetent-looking realtors selling cheap beach houses.
- He was 11 years old performing in Annie Get Your Gun on Broadway tour, stayed in hotels and traveled on a tour bus.
- Realtors enthusiastically pitch views to excited buyers, but most people on the show would be just as happy getting drunk and posting conspiracy theories online.
- His wife watches House Hunters while they live in a two-bedroom apartment in Sunland with two kids and a streetwalker who tries people's doors looking for food.
- Buyers in the middle of the country get massive 10,000 square foot homes for $97,000 or $300,000 because they're in the woods with no neighbors.
- His favorite episodes feature someone obsessing over an archery range in one house's backyard and choosing it despite other better options.
- People on these shows who clearly inherited money have no clue what a mortgage is and casually decide to buy second homes.
- Realtors get elaborate tragic backstories inserted into the show introductions, like Susan whose son is incarcerated and barricaded in a bathroom to steal her pain medication.
- Real estate agents on these shows look haggard, beat up, wearing tank tops with dark eyeliner, pencil-thin eyebrows, and purple lipstick.
- Real estate has no middle ground—either people make serious money or they barely passed the test and don't know anything while stumbling around houses.
Barack and HillaryMobile, AlabamaAnnie Get Your Gun
- 7 min
Dumb Salespeople and Predatory Mortgage Stories
#Riff on real estate agents and salespeople being unintelligent but effective, including stories from Tim's time at Wells Fargo, a scarred job applicant, speed-addict coworkers, and an elderly man signed into a predatory million-dollar loan.
10moments
- Tim reads real estate books and decides to get rich by renting out property.
- He attends a three-thousand-dollar real estate conference where the front desk staff doesn't know what's happening.
- The conference speaker's actual advice: look in the newspaper classifieds for houses and try to get them financed.
- Real estate is a business for people who think books are gay; even millionaires making ten million a year are stupid and can only talk about tile.
- Realtors drive past homeless tent cities in LA without looking or thinking about them, focused only on the sale.
- Tim would be bad at real estate sales because he'd interrupt the pitch to point out the societal collapse happening outside.
- At Wells Fargo, his manager hires a woman with a visible suicide scar because all the company needs is hungry people with no morals.
- A woman in her thirties with six-inch heels talks an eighty-year-old man into a loan for 1.2 million dollars on a 750-thousand-dollar house to buy a pool and boat.
- His coworker Keith would come in excited about the brass and scrap metal he stole the night before while high on speed.
- Howie was a cocaine dealer and mortgage salesman who didn't understand mortgages and wanted to move to Santo Domingo because that's where they treat you like a person.
real estateWells FargoRobert KiyosakiBeetlejuice
- 7 min
Ad read for BetterHelp discussing mental health, addiction, and Tim joking he'd make a terrible/perfect counselor, tying in cult references like Heaven's Gate and Jim Jones.
11moments
- Someone messaged Tim on Instagram thanking him for promoting BetterHelp because it actually helped them.
- Tim's audience is criminally insane and mentally ill, including his own mother who is schizophrenic.
- You don't have to leave your house for counseling because that's where all the problems and underground tunnels are, where you can get snatched up and put in a van.
- Tim has monetized his insanity, which doesn't give him real motivation to fix any of his problems.
- Stop telling your problems to shitty friends and family; your family holds you back and smothers you to keep you down.
- Tim wishes he was a BetterHelp counselor because all people really need is someone to tell them they suck and why.
- Everyone's got a problem—sex slavery, childhood trauma—but Tim would tell them what for if BetterHelp hired him.
- Families are for losers and friends are for losers; if you're a loser, go to BetterHelp.
- People weren't ready for the truth like Jim Jones followers and Heaven's Gate members waiting for a spaceship behind the Hale-Bopp comet.
- If Tim worked at BetterHelp, his goal would be to turn people into believers willing to drink poison and wait for a spaceship, which is why they haven't hired him.
- Despite not being hired, Tim still thinks BetterHelp is a great service.
BetterHelpHeaven's GateJim Jones
- 7 min
The Love, Simon Twitter Backlash
#Tim recounts getting attacked on Twitter for a joke about the movie Love, Simon being unrealistic and dated, and argues that coming out isn't the big deal it used to be.
10moments
- Tim tweets about Love, Simon, a 2015 movie about a gay suburban kid coming out with liberal parents.
- His tweet: coming out in 2016 isn't like 1950 or Angels in America, and he's had more interesting conversations in Uber pools.
- The backlash was intense; people on Twitter claimed every coming-out story matters, which Tim dismisses as nonsense.
- Tim argues that being gay doesn't automatically make you interesting or give your opinions value.
- He points out that sexuality has moved beyond being a novelty—there are 3,000 genders now, we've moved on.
- A woman pulled him aside at a mic to accuse him of punching down after he said comedians' entire acts were just about who they sleep with.
- Tim took the stage and hoped there was more to people than what they put their dick in or let people put in them.
- The Love, Simon ending shows two hot guys on a ferris wheel getting the bow-on-it happy ending, which Tim finds unrealistic.
- People mistake his voice on the podcast for cigarette smoking, but he's actually eating pears and has never smoked.
- Back in the 2000s, closeted frat boys would write blogs about other closeted frat boys on the down-low just to get off.
Love SimonAngels in AmericaGeico
- 6 min
The Closeted Finance Guy Blog Romance
#Tim tells a long story about corresponding with an anonymous closeted finance-world blogger in his youth, falling for the persona, and never finding out what happened to him.
11moments
- Tim starts corresponding with a closeted finance guy from an Ivy League school who wrote a blog about being gay in finance.
- He never saw a picture of the finance guy, so he imagined what he looked like while they emailed back and forth.
- Tim invited the finance guy to comedy shows, but he never showed up.
- One day Tim's email to the finance guy bounced and the correspondence ended abruptly.
- The finance guy's email address was "blurred" because he said his life was a blur, and he wrote detailed stories about hookups and being closeted at work.
- Tim never knew the finance guy as a person, only online, and still wonders what happened to him.
- A friend suggested the finance guy could have been 70 years old or even Tim's father, which freaked him out.
- Tim believes the finance guy was probably real—a young closeted finance worker figuring himself out—despite having no proof.
- Tim gave the finance guy his real name and wonders if that guy ever thinks about him too.
- Tim makes a bizarre plea to the finance guy, asking him to piss in his mouth as a thank you for their months of email correspondence.
- Tim frames it as the finance guy giving back to the community in appreciation for their connection.
- 8 min
The Smiley Face Killer Podcast Grift
#Tangent about true crime shows like Oxygen exploiting cold cases like the 'smiley face killer' for ratings rather than actually helping find killers, plus riffing on secretly bisexual guys among friend groups.
14moments
- Tim pitches a smiley face killer podcast grift idea and complains he'd make no revenue from it when it breaks.
- He tried to get the detectives on his show to raise awareness, but they only cared about their oxygen show's second season.
- Tim mocks fat women detectives on oxygen folding laundry and eating Halo Top while cracking the case.
- Discussion of gay men not coming out or just living as bisexual without declaring their sexuality.
- Tim explains he has to come out as gay every single stand-up set when it's a headlining show.
- Some gay comics never have to come out on stage because people just know they're cool.
- Tim talks about a guy he knows who gets blown by dudes periodically.
- The guy claims his girlfriend knows about it and he just does it when he's drinking.
- Tim's theory that in any friend group of six or more, one of those dudes has done something sexual with another guy.
- Tim disputes being called a sex addict because he's not thorough enough, comparing it to his past drug addiction.
- He describes living with his grandmother and having a 19-year-old kid come over.
- Story about Cheryl from church who was hellfire and brimstone, telling kids their dogs don't go to heaven.
- Cheryl told a divorced kid he'd go to hell, prompting Tim's grandmother to tell her to lighten up.
- Tim had a 19-year-old come over while living with his grandmother.
- 5 min
Hooking Up With a College Kid While Grandma Was Home
#Tim tells an extended personal story about hooking up with a 19-year-old while living with his religious grandmother, and having to sneak the kid out past his grandmother and her fire-and-brimstone friend Cheryl.
10moments
- A 19-year-old college kid comes over in basketball shorts that show everything, looking young enough to seem like a Netflix crime documentary.
- Tim makes him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, then they go to the bedroom.
- Grandmother and Cheryl walk in unloading groceries while the naked kid is watching Game of Thrones on the bed.
- Tim introduces the kid as a friend, but his grandmother doesn't believe he has any friends—just a 28-year-old failed comedian working on a tour bus.
- Cheryl's face shows she knows what happened but doesn't want to acknowledge it.
- Tim has to call the kid a cab before Uber existed, then put him in it while the entire neighborhood watches him escort out the visibly younger guy.
- This awkward scenario is what Love, Simon should actually be about—fucking a 19-year-old in your grandmother's bungalow while her religious friend unloads groceries.
- Tim didn't like the beach handjob scene in Moonlight because there would be sand on the guy's hand.
- Everyone's been on anti-anxiety and depression pills since age four, so now nobody can get hard and they're just soft zombies to deal with.
- Tim ends up making out with a good-looking kid who can't get hard the whole time, which isn't great.
MoonlightLove SimonGame of Thrones
- 3 min
Moonlight's Beach Hand Job and Modern Guys Who Can't Get Hard
#Riff on the movie Moonlight's beach scene, porn-induced erectile problems in young men, and a bizarre stomach-grabbing screaming fetish encounter.
8moments
- Tim recalls religious upbringing and the idea that pornography was responsible for erectile dysfunction in modern men.
- A man once grabbed Tim's stomach and screamed during an encounter, which Tim initially thought was an episode before learning it was a fetish.
- Love Simon should have ended with that kind of disturbing, visceral scene instead of a heartwarming conclusion.
- Tim criticizes movies that always have to make you feel warm and fuzzy—everything should acknowledge that nothing is going to be okay.
- If he made Love Simon with a scene of someone grabbing his stomach and screaming, audiences would leave with no idea what happened.
- Tim theorizes that many guys he hooked up with were molested young because they were attracted to his body type.
- People learn sexuality in a certain context when young and want to reinstall that context during sex later on.
- Modern dudes not being able to get hard is the real problem, and Bluetooth ads are placed awkwardly during this discussion.
- 2 min
Kevin plugs his social media and his other podcast Rippin and Skippin, and they joke about the slow grind of getting booked at the Hollywood Improv.
6moments
- Tim encourages Kevin to promote where people can find his comedy.
- Kevin explains how the Hollywood Improv talent booker praised his material three years ago but didn't book him for two and a half years.
- Tim expresses bewilderment at why comedy club performers don't pursue more aggressive action when rejected.
- Kevin provides his social media handles: Kevin Tinkin on Twitter and Instagram.
- Kevin invites Tim to guest on the podcast and mentions addressing haters in a recent episode.
- Kevin dismisses online accusations about his sexuality.
Kevin Tanakinrippin and skid skippinHollywood Improv
- 8 min
Hot Cousins, Game of Thrones Throne Predictions, and Incest Riff
#Closing riff covering Avengers: Endgame runtime, Game of Thrones throne predictions and defending Cersei, then a long extended bit about being willing to sleep with a hot cousin or hot dad, capped by a real childhood story about an odd 'playing army' incident with a cousin.
12moments
- Tim watched Avengers Endgame with his wife and kids and says it's very good but way too long.
- Movies should be made seven hours long because Americans have nothing to do on weekends anyway.
- Game of Thrones discussion: Tim is digging the current season and wants Jon Snow on the Iron Throne.
- Tim can't remember the character he wants on the throne and realizes it's not a guy—he means Cersei.
- Tim argues Cersei gets no support just because she's a woman, but she's attractive and that should matter.
- Incest riff begins: Tim says if he had a hot cousin who wanted to sleep with him, he would absolutely do it without hesitation.
- Tim doubles down: if he had a hot cousin, he'd even adopt a kid with her and doesn't understand people's weirdness about family relationships.
- Co-host objects to the cousin idea; Tim insists it's about a hot cousin that wants him, and he'd be into it.
- Tim pivots to hypothetical about a rich, attractive older man with money and a Cadillac, claiming he'd engage sexually with an attractive father figure.
- Tim acknowledges people finding his podcast from serious episodes will hear him saying he'd sleep with a hot cousin and won't understand.
- Tim admits he actually has a hot cousin and it was a real struggle growing up not to put out romantic vibes.
- Tim describes childhood incident at grandmother's house where he and his cousin played army and set up to bring girls to separate twin beds upstairs.
Game of ThronesAvengers Endgame
- 1 min
Tim thanks listeners and says goodbye as outro music plays.
1moment
- Tim says goodbye to the audience.