Episode 270 · The Ben Avery Era
Classic tier — a personal pick, not a popularity ranking#270 - Havana Syndrome | The Tim Dillon Show
Sep 26, 2021 · 1:38:15 · 431,000 views · 29 segments, 214 moments indexed
Tim is stalked by a woman in New York City, and gets the very mysterious and definitely real "Havana Syndrome" while staying at the same hotel as Harry and Meghan.
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- 2 min
Cold Open: The Stalker at the Hotel
#Tim opens from a New York hotel room instead of the usual studio, explaining he's about to do a show in Timonium/Baltimore, then reveals he's picked up his first stalker — a woman he describes as a fat yoga instructor rather than the hot stalker he'd have preferred.
3moments
- Tim directs his rage at Baltimore residents before a show at Magooby's in Timonium, describing it as a rest stop that became a town.
- Broadcasting from a hotel room because a stalker showed up, which Tim immediately identifies as disappointing—not an attractive person but a dumb yoga instructor.
- Tim laments that his stalker couldn't even be someone hot—just some fat dumb yoga instructor, as if that's somehow worse than actual danger.
- 5 min
3:30 AM Phone Call: Cameron Herron and Harry & Meghan's Hotel
#Tim recounts being woken at 3:30am by hotel staff saying someone using the fake name 'Cameron Herron' (referencing the Tampa car-crash killer) wants to see him, and connects it to the fact he's staying at the same Best Western as Harry and Meghan Markle.
9moments
- Tim came to New York for a few days without telling anyone, avoiding requests to do shows in laundromats.
- He has a complex relationship with visiting clubs—wants to see people there but won't actually go.
- Tim did the Red Scare podcast with Dasha and Anna, which prompted intelligent fans to question his taste in women.
- He, Ben, and Little Sasquatch tried to write a sketch for Barstool but couldn't figure one out in time.
- Tim woke up at 3:30 AM to a hotel manager calling to say someone was downstairs to see him.
- Harry and Meghan Markle are staying at the same hotel, which Tim initially thought meant they'd sent someone to kill him.
- The hotel called to say Cameron Herron wanted to see him—the kid from Tampa who killed a woman and her baby with his car.
- Cameron Herron is now getting married and doing better in a 24-year jail sentence than most people Tim knows on the outside.
- Tim assumes Harry and Meghan are drunk and playing games by sending Cameron Herron to the hotel at 3:30 in the morning.
Cameron HerronMeghan MarkleRed ScareBarstool SportsPrince HarryAnna KhachiyanDasha Nekrasova
- 3 min
Havana Syndrome Explained (and Feared)
#Ben explains what Havana Syndrome is — a mysterious microwave/directed-energy attack affecting CIA agents and diplomats — and Tim jokes that between the stalker, diplomats, and Jamie Dimon, the hotel is a hotbed of intrigue.
6moments
- Tim jokes that Harry and Meghan are calling him in the middle of the night trying to give him Havana Syndrome.
- Havana Syndrome explanation: about 140 people have contracted it, primarily CIA agents, caused by direct energy weapons using microwave radiation.
- Many victims report symptoms only in their hotel room, including nausea, headaches, and the sensation of rolling down car windows.
- Tim theorizes that countries are fighting back against the CIA using microwaves as retaliation for American intelligence operations.
- Tim claims he has Cuban sandwich syndrome instead, caused by a woman using a fake name who keeps calling his hotel room at 3:30 AM.
- Recording date clarification: this episode was recorded Wednesday, September 22nd, so any major events after that are not addressed.
Havana syndromeHarry and MeghanCIAJamie Dimon
- 7 min
The Upper East Side Before the Fall
#Tim riffs on the hotel being full of diplomats, Jamie Dimon, and the stalker, comparing the scene to aristocrats sipping wine as civilization collapses, then mocks yoga as basically learning to fart, before recounting instructing hotel security to physically rough up the stalker.
11moments
- A woman keeps showing up at his hotel lobby, calling back with different stories.
- Tim describes his usual New York hotel as the Best Western in Times Square where Meghan and Harry stay.
- The Upper East Side represents wealthy people trying to enjoy wine and cabernet before the American century ends.
- Tim riffs on yoga as a fat thing where people sit around learning how to fart.
- The stalker woman returns and Tim tells hotel staff to beat her up, hit her, put her head in the toilet.
- Tim offered to pay extra for hotel security to rough up the woman; they threw her out instead and banned her.
- The stalker sent him a message on Instagram saying 'why is he here, I don't understand what's going on.'
- Tim calls stalking a podcaster the lowest level of embarrassment compared to stalking actual celebrities.
- He jokes about giving the stalker Havana syndrome or putting her head in the microwave since he's paying for the hotel.
- Tim says he handled the situation maturely by telling security to beat her up, then discusses his own plan to stalk the stalker.
- Getting known means occasionally getting psychos, which comes with the territory of being somewhat famous.
Meghan MarklePrince HarryMark MarinJamie DimonSebastian ManiscalcoTaylor Swift
- 2 min
Reading the Stalker's Instagram Messages
#Tim and Ben read the actual DMs the stalker sent, including her calling him 'Paulie' and referencing beauty-influencer drama with 'Morphe' and James Charles/David Dobrik.
6moments
- Tim explains how stalkers construct delusional relationships with podcast hosts, believing they're being spoken to directly.
- Tim threatens to hire teenagers from the Bronx to beat up the stalker—then clarifies it's not about violence against women, it's about violence against this specific woman.
- Showing up at someone's hotel room at 3:30 AM demanding to see them is insanely inappropriate, even if you believe you have a relationship with them.
- Ben's wife was scared the stalker woman would get thrown out before she could execute whatever plan she's hatched next.
- The stalker sent another message calling Tim "Paulie" and linking makeup brand conspiracy theories to James Charles and David Dobrik controversies.
- The stalker keeps referencing makeup tutorials and conspiracy rabbit holes, calling Tim by the wrong name repeatedly.
- 2 min
Is the Stalker Gabby Petito? Riffing on National Parks
#Tim jokes the stalker might be Gabby Petito faking her death, then pivots into his controversial 'don't go to national parks' take, citing the 'Cold Vanish' book about people disappearing, and connects it to society still processing COVID like an unresolved hangover needing an O.J.-style distraction.
7moments
- Tim wonders if Gabby Petito faked her own death, gained weight, and is now stalking him.
- National parks are frequented by murderers and people disappear there constantly.
- John Billman wrote a book called "The Cold Vanish" about disappearances in national parks.
- People go out for a light jog in national parks and vanish—it's not just mountain lions and bears.
- Tim argues we need a major trial to get out of the COVID hangover that's still dominating news cycle.
- We're living in a hangover of news that should have been flushed down the toilet already.
- We need something big and juicy like the O.J. Simpson trial to move past the current media cycle.
national parksGabby PetitoJohn BillmanThe Cold Vanish
- 1 min
Tim reads a straightforward ad for BlueChew, a chewable ED medication delivered discreetly, with promo code TD for a free trial.
4moments
- BlueChew delivers Viagra and Cialis active ingredients in chewable tablets at a fraction of the cost.
- Can take them day or night, plan ahead or be ready whenever an opportunity arises.
- Tablets made in USA, shipped direct to door in discreet package.
- Special deal for listeners: try BlueChew free, just pay five dollars shipping with promo code TD at checkout.
- 1 min
Tim reads a sponsor spot for Keeps, a hair loss prevention subscription service with FDA-approved medications delivered to your door.
2moments
- Tim vouches for a friend using Keeps hair loss treatment and says he's thrilled with it
- Prevention is key—treatments take four to six months to show results, so acting fast matters
- 9 min
Tim and Ben discuss the surge of Haitian migrants at Del Rio, Texas, Governor Abbott's state of emergency, Tucker Carlson's paralysis backstory, and the controversial photos of Border Patrol agents on horseback that evoke slavery-era imagery.
17moments
- Tim opens segment on Haitian migrants gathering under a bridge in Del Rio, Texas.
- Haiti's 2010 earthquake decimated the country, and Tim admits he doesn't remember it due to Havana syndrome.
- Haitian migrants migrated to Central and South America years ago, and social media rumors brought them to Del Rio after the border wall went down.
- Texas sent mounted state police to the border, using horses for crowd control while photos made it look like they were lassoing migrants.
- The horseback imagery looks bad in photos and evokes troubling historical comparisons, but Texas officials insisted it was necessary for handling 10 to 15,000 people.
- The real debate remains unchanged: how many immigrants can America absorb, what does a citizen owe to border crossers, and how do you maintain a functioning society.
- The US spent two decades in Afghanistan and overthrew governments worldwide, creating the refugee crises it now complains about.
- Immigration concerns are valid and largely economic, not inherently racist or xenophobic, but treating the issue as having immovable positions makes no sense.
- Tim argues that during a pandemic with rising inequality and millions of undocumented immigrants already in the country, maybe holding off on more immigration makes sense.
- Anyone saying that gets labeled a Nazi by progressives who then refuse to explain how their plans would actually work—they just watch the Met Gala and tweet about reality TV.
- All modern politics is aesthetic and optics; nobody's serious about any of it, whether that's open borders or total immigration bans.
- Baby boomers retiring will require immigrants to fill healthcare jobs, making a total immigration freeze unrealistic.
- Nursing homes will need to be exposed for beating and robbing elderly residents, and Tim will put his parents in one where he knows they'll get roughed up and stolen from.
- The basic problem is the inability to have a logical discussion about immigration, which is why people have to put their heads in the sand.
- Someone in Texas should have pointed out that deploying mounted officers against Haitian migrants invokes the imagery of slavery and Black people being chased on horseback.
- Governor Abbott remedied the optics problem by parking a wall of cars on the border instead of using horses.
- American muscle cars are good only for blocking migrants at the border.
Alexandria Ocasio-CortezTucker CarlsonDel RioimmigrationGreg AbbottHaitiJoe RoganColin Quinn+1 more
- 2 min
Nobody's Serious: Immigration Debate Hypocrisy and the Emmys
#Tim argues the immigration debate is dominated by people with no interest in practical solutions, contrasting activists tweeting about stolen land while watching the Met Gala, then mocks Emmy winners like Ted Lasso and The Crown for imagining migrants under a bridge dream of being on their shows.
8moments
- Tim jokes about putting American autos on the border wall as a solution to immigration.
- Pro-immigration advocates claim nobody should assimilate or learn English, then can't explain how immigrants get jobs or work.
- Nobody cares about practical applications—it's all about crafting the perfect hot take and tweeting it out.
- Tim questions what Emmy-attending celebrities think their ballroom ceremonies accomplish for Haitian migrants living under bridges.
- These celebrities genuinely believe people from Haiti want to be on shows like Ted Lasso.
- Tim lists actual Emmy winners: Hacks, Ted Lasso with 20 nominations, The Crown, Mayor of East Town.
- When winners say 'this is for everybody whose dream it is to make art,' they think they're talking to Del Rio migrants under the bridge.
- Emmy winners genuinely believe the people who just arrived came here to be on The Crown.
immigrationTed LassoEmmy AwardsMare of Easttownhot take economyHacksThe Crown
- 2 min
Tim discusses Colin Quinn testing positive with no symptoms, argues for tracking hospitalizations instead of cases, and describes Michael Tracey touring colleges (mostly Ivy League/Northeastern) fighting COVID restrictions on students, plus vaccine-checking at a Staten Island pizzeria.
5moments
- Colin Quinn got COVID again despite being vaccinated and having no symptoms.
- Tim argues that if nobody has symptoms from COVID cases, maybe we should stop tracking cases and only track hospitalizations.
- College populations are 98% vaccinated but still face draconian COVID restrictions on congregating.
- Tim was asked for proof of vaccination to buy pizza in Staten Island, which he found odd given the area's Trump leanings.
- Vaccination mandate enforcers lack conviction and will likely issue fines because nobody's heart is in the policy.
- 3 min
When New York Banned Smoking (and Texas Banned It First)
#A tangent about smoking sections in restaurants growing up, discovering New York only banned indoor smoking in 2002 while Texas did it back in 1975, and a dark joke about Texas allowing smoking while pregnant but not abortion.
7moments
- Tim recalls when smoking bans first appeared, enforced halfheartedly by people who wanted to smoke themselves.
- Restaurants had smoking sections when he was in high school, which seems unimaginable now.
- Cigarette smoke used to pervade everything—airports, planes, streets—but has largely disappeared from daily life.
- New York banned smoking in 2002, but Texas beat them by 27 years with a 1975 indoor smoking restriction.
- Texas in 1975 telling people "do not light up inside" contradicts the stereotype of Texas as libertarian and New York as restrictive.
- Cowboys smoked Marlboros—known as "cowboy killers"—so heavily in Texas that there may have been more deaths back then.
- Tim jokes that Texas currently allows pregnant women to smoke but only if they carry the baby to term, not if they abort.
- 1 min
Sending the Stalker to Del Rio; Considering a House Abroad
#Tim jokes about introducing his stalker to desperate Haitian migrants, argues immigrants coming to America right now are foolish compared to Scandinavia, and floats the idea of buying a house in another country as a hedge.
2moments
- Tim suggests sending the stalker to Del Rio and introducing her to Haitian migrants.
- Tim tells Ram he's considering buying a house in another country as a backup plan.
- 2 min
Tim debunks a fake news story claiming he was banned from Corpus Christi over a Selena joke, compares it to people still mad at Yoko Ono/John Lennon fans, and says he's never going back to Corpus Christi anyway.
6moments
- A fake news article claims Tim was banned from Corpus Christi for disrespecting Selena.
- Tim made a joke about Selena on the podcast, comparing it to telling John Lennon fans to get over his death.
- Tim argues he's allowed to say John Lennon was probably more musically talented than Selena, though she was really good.
- Tim jokes that Selena's ghost serves as the mayor of Corpus Christi and gets a vote on the council.
- Tim declares he's never going back to Corpus Christi and won't be visiting again.
- Tim criticizes his agents and the entertainment industry for not being well-read or bright enough to recognize the article as fake.
- 4 min
Talent Agents Are Black Sheep, and the Entourage Me Too Season
#Tim riffs on how talent agents are the underachieving black sheep of wealthy families, no longer glamorous like Ari Gold, and imagines a MeToo-era season of Entourage where Ari has to manage Vince's old scandals.
9moments
- Talent agents are mostly black sheep from wealthy families whose siblings became surgeons, finance executives, and academics.
- Modern agents spend their time routing tours for 16-year-old TikTokers instead of holding prestigious positions like they used to.
- Only about four agents left operate like Ari Gold from Entourage; the rest are terrified due to Me Too allegations.
- Today's agents are constantly paranoid, asking themselves if their client said something to a woman on video or raped someone in college.
- The perfect Entourage season would have been Ari Gold dealing with Me Too accusations from Vince and the gang.
- In the bit, Ari panics about a mole at the LA Times while trying to manage the Me Too crisis with instructions to send the woman flowers and texts.
- Entourage made Hollywood look fun because one guy gets famous and brings his three friends along to experience the lifestyle.
- TikTok and social media kids follow the same pattern: someone gets famous, lives with their friends, throws parties, makes money, then the cycle should end but they keep hanging on.
- The friend group dynamic that defined an era of entertainment no longer works the same way.
Ari Goldtalent agentsEntourageGoldman SachsJohns Hopkins
- 4 min
TikTok Kids Should Go Back to School (and Do Shooter Drills)
#Tim argues TikTok fame has dragged on too long for aging influencers, then launches into a dark bit insisting kids need to be back in physical school specifically to practice active shooter drills, since that can't be replicated on Zoom.
8moments
- TikTok stars in their mid-20s now look exhausted and stretched out, like they're dealing with actual problems rather than performing for fun.
- Tim calls for shutting down TikTok entirely and sending kids back to school—masked up and doing live shooter drills.
- Parents want their kids in school with friends, but won't acknowledge those friends will be doing active shooter drills as part of the curriculum.
- Kids are missing out on the formative experience of learning to survive a violent attack by an unmedicated, heavily armed classmate.
- If Parkland had been on Zoom, those students would never have developed the bonds forged by surviving a school shooting together.
- Parents need to advocate for in-person learning so children can practice defending themselves from their peers—whom society has driven insane with fast food, no attention, and violent entertainment.
- Tim feels reassured as a parent knowing his children are in school safely learning to handle active shooter situations that society has made inevitable.
- Two 13 and 14-year-olds in a Florida middle school near Parkland were planning a Columbine-inspired massacre, raising questions about what's happening to society.
Parkland school shootingTikTokMarjory Stoneman DouglasVine
- 4 min
Tim and Ben discuss two 13- and 14-year-old Florida boys, inspired by Parkland, caught planning a mass shooting with black-market guns and pipe bomb plans, and Tim begins arguing they should simply be killed.
8moments
- Middle school students in Florida were extensively studying the Columbine shooting and found with knives, guns, and instructions for purchasing firearms on the black market and constructing pipe bombs.
- Tim imagines a parent-teacher conference: "To be honest, he was purchasing firearms on the black market and trying to learn how to make pipe bombs."
- Authorities had visited the two students' homes combined nearly 80 times, and both met criteria for mental health facility evaluations.
- Tim questions whether police should have just killed the kids instead, given that 80 visits to their homes suggests a persistent problem.
- The students were also recruiting others to participate in their plot.
- Tim argues these kids will be nightmares their entire lives and insists execution is the only solution.
- Tim dismisses the possibility of redemption: there's no story where someone went from building pipe bombs and getting weapons at 13 to becoming a happy barista.
- Climbing from pipe bombs at 13 to being a productive member of society is a steep hill; Tim reiterates they should be killed.
Tamerlan TsarnaevColumbine shooting
- 6 min
Kill Pruitt and Bird: The Execution Bit
#Tim escalates into an extended dark bit arguing the two Florida kids, Pruitt and Bird, should be executed by electric chair or lethal injection given police had visited their homes dozens of times, riffing on their parents, the pointlessness of homeschooling them, and comparing it to drone strikes abroad.
20moments
- Why can't cops kill people who need to be killed, like Pruitt and Bird?
- Pruitt and Bird knew where the school's gas lines were and planned to destroy it.
- Cops could have claimed self-defense: just say they came at you.
- Neither boy's parents have spoken to media; Tim guesses they're not from good homes.
- The two are just friends, not brothers, with Bird the older mastermind at 14.
- Tim questions why parents didn't forbid the friendship after cops visited 60 times.
- He imagines a parent confronting Pruitt by the 28th police visit.
- Tim doesn't understand why children can't be executed.
- He'd put both in electric chairs at 13 and 14 years old.
- If cops came 60 times to your house about your kid, you failed as a parent.
- Neither boy will become anything positive; Bird isn't going to give carbon emissions speeches with Greta Thunberg.
- Tim imagines seeing the look on their faces when sentenced to death by electric chair.
- He adds his stalker should also be executed in a bigger chair for being fat.
- No one will care if his stalker kills him; they won't believe her.
- A petition suggests homeschooling the boys, but Tim says home is the problem—kill them instead.
- They've been homeschooling themselves in gorilla warfare tactics.
- There should be a program to execute children, and Tim has no problem sleeping at night knowing they'd be killed.
- He describes witnessing their execution: tied down screaming, arms outstretched, final words of denial, the needle, kicking feet stopping.
- Tim switches to complaining about the ketchup brand shown—Sir Kensington's instead of Heinz in a glass bottle.
- Despite the condiment debate, his closing statement: kill those kids.
Connor PruittPhilip ByrdGreta ThunbergHeinz
- 3 min
Tim reads a DoorDash ad about ordering groceries and meals from home, mentioning partners like Popeyes, Chipotle, and Cheesecake Factory, with a promo code for new users.
4moments
- Tim describes the scenario of forgetting a key ingredient after returning from the grocery store.
- He pivots to discussing busy parents juggling kids' activities and homework while trying to manage household tasks.
- Tim emphasizes getting food delivered right to your door without exposing yourself to unsafe situations.
- He suggests buying cheesecake from the app for the kids as a treat option.
- 2 min
Tim reads an ExpressVPN ad about protecting personal data from government and corporate harvesting and unlocking geo-restricted streaming content, with a free three-month promo link.
4moments
- Tim recommends entering code "tim dillon" in the DoorDash app store and rewarding good kids with cheesecake.
- Using a VPN to stay ahead of government, big corporations, and the national security state harvesting your data.
- ExpressVPN has 100 server locations to access thousands of new shows on BBC iPlayer, YouTube, and streaming services.
- Tim directs listeners to expressvpn.com/timdillon for three free months with the promo link.
- 1 min
Tim and Ben briefly discuss the ongoing search for Brian Laundrie, Gabby Petito's fiancé, speculating he's likely being helped by family and can't hide forever without using cash.
4moments
- Tim asks if there's any new information on Gabby Petito before wrapping up.
- Tim riffs on the absurdity of ending the search while telling people to enjoy the park grounds.
- Tim questions how long they'll keep searching the park after four days.
- Tim doubts Laundrie is still in the park at this point.
- 1 min
Returning to Pruitt and Bird: Firing Squad Coda
#Tim returns briefly to the school-shooter-plot kids, escalating to suggesting a firing squad with no blindfolds, and justifying it by comparing it to drone strikes killing children abroad.
6moments
- Tim announces Pruitt and Bird are going to be cooked in an electric chair at the end of the month.
- Executing children without a trial is what's good for society, according to Tim's logic.
- Tim proposes a firing squad instead, with both of them facing it without blindfolds.
- If you're unwilling to murder two children to make a point, why pay taxes in this country.
- We kill children all over the world in Pakistan—why can't we kill our own fat ones trying to murder everybody.
- Tim suggests drone striking their houses as a solution.
- 2 min
Tim promotes his theater tour with Sam Tallent and Ben Avery, lists added shows in Atlanta, Sacramento, Atlantic City, and Pittsburgh, and asks listeners to subscribe to the YouTube channel and turn on notifications.
7moments
- Tim announces theater tour with Sam Talent and Ben Avery, promises a joyous occasion filled with love.
- He won't talk about children being electrocuted at the shows, except he might mention it as a good idea.
- Tim advises against stalking favorite comedians and podcasters at their hotels.
- The show is still searching for a permanent studio in LA, currently using a temporary setup.
- Extra shows have been added in Atlanta, Sacramento, Atlantic City, and Pittsburgh.
- Tim asks listeners to subscribe to the YouTube channel and push subscriber count over 400,000.
- YouTube hasn't paid them a dollar in months.
- 3 min
Approaching Jamie Dimon at the Restaurant
#Tim and Ben fantasize about approaching Jamie Dimon at the restaurant to ask for a movie loan or comment on chip credit cards, speculating on how the cold, stoic banker would react.
8moments
- Tim imagines approaching Jamie Dimon at a restaurant to complain about debit card chip readers being slower than magnetic strips.
- Discussion of identity theft and whether Russians are behind it.
- Tim describes the bit of pretending to know Jamie Dimon and asking him for a movie loan.
- Speculation about whether Dimon would play along or try to figure out who Tim is.
- Tim describes Dimon as seeming very cold, like stone.
- His wife didn't seem allowed to make eye contact with him; the relationships at that wealth level appear dysfunctional.
- The ultra-wealthy are a different species without normal human emotions.
- Tim explains their survival mechanism: kill all feeling with wine, food, and medication to maintain coldness and wealth.
- 3 min
Jamie Dimon's Background and the Waspy Rich
#Tim and Ben discuss Jamie Dimon's Greek immigrant family background, the name change from Papademetriou to Dimon, his education at Tufts and Harvard Business School, and riff on how the ultra-rich suppress emotion.
7moments
- Upper East Side restaurant scene: young moms with kids eating gelato, women splitting salads and drinking chardonnay before going home to loveless marriages.
- Jamie Dimon was eating outside in terrible horse stalls, the kind of place where New York restaurants put people now.
- Tim on how you become CEO of Chase: you don't get there by being affectionate.
- Dimon's parents were loaded, unlike Blank Check guy who came from the Jewish projects or Brooklyn.
- Tim expected more bodyguards around Dimon given kidnapping plots against people like him, but wasn't sure how many would recognize him anyway.
- Jamie Dimon was one of three sons of Greek immigrants and attended the Browning School.
- Dimon's paternal grandfather changed the family name from Papadametrio to Diamond to make it sound French, worked as a banker in Smyrna Greece.
Theodore Niallos DiamondChaseUpper East SideSaunders
- 7 min
Fantasy Bit: Getting Fired for Asking Diners About 9/11
#Tim imagines working as a waiter at Jamie Dimon's restaurant just to ask every table about 9/11 and get fired, then spins an elaborate fantasy where Dimon mentors Pruitt and Bird, the school-shooter kids, turning them into ruthless finance criminals instead.
10moments
- Tim imagines asking a wealthy dinner guest what they think about 9/11 during a casual conversation.
- Tim proposes getting hired at an upscale Upper East Side restaurant just to ask every table about 9/11 before getting fired.
- Manager explains Tim got a warning after his first hour: all three tables complained he kept bringing up 9/11.
- Tim gets fired for asking Jamie Dimon for cash tip money upfront during a shift.
- Tim wonders if Pruitt and Bird might become CEOs of Chase Bank someday, since America is about comeback stories.
- Jamie Dimon takes Pruitt and Bird to San Ambrose for gelato and Ralph Lauren shopping, mentoring them on corporate fraud tactics.
- In the fantasy bit, Jamie Dimon tells Pruitt and Bird that at his company they can 'kill without firing a shot' through fraud and government bullying.
- Jamie Dimon explains Chase bullied the federal government into stopping investigations during the mortgage crisis, keeping billions in fraudulently earned money.
- Tim notes Jamie Dimon can't bully tech companies because they know everything about what people think and who they are.
- Jamie Dimon raises Pruitt and Bird as proteges, teaching them to channel their violent energy into finance, gym routines, drugs, and relationships based on monetary gain.
- 3 min
Is Jean Smart Really a Legend? Digging Through Hacks
#Tim questions why Jean Smart is constantly called a 'legend,' googles her filmography (Designing Women, Frasier, Watchmen, Sweet Home Alabama) trying to find the basis for the label, while conceding she's good in Hacks.
8moments
- Tim notes the best version of two kids become financial criminals working for Chase Bank.
- Tim admits he shot himself in the foot doing the show instead of being cast on Hacks.
- Questions why Jean Smart is called a legend just because people say she is.
- Googling Jean Smart's actual credits, starting with Designing Women and moving through her filmography.
- Tallying up her work across shows like Frasier, Big Mouth, 24, Watchmen, and Sweet Home Alabama.
- Tim concedes she does a great job in Hacks but didn't know if the legend status was justified.
- Realizes digging through a woman's work résumé after she's been in the game that long is rude.
- Concludes that anyone's a legend if you just let it go and don't scrutinize their work.
Chase BankJean SmartKevin HartHacksWe wish them well
- 5 min
Pitching Hacks Ideas and Why Tim Can't Get a TV Show
#Tim jokes about pitching a Hacks episode set in Del Rio, researches the show's creators (Jen Statsky, Paul Downs, Lucia Aniello) and their credits like Rough Night and Broad City, then reflects on why nobody will put him on television — concluding he's seen as too risky.
8moments
- Tim pitches a Hacks spinoff where Gene Smart adopts Pruitt and Bird, then suggests filming it in Del Rio, Texas at a fundraiser.
- Tim plans to submit ideas to Hacks creators by texting his agent, noting the show's creators only have 400 Twitter followers.
- Guessing Hacks creators probably rent rather than own their homes due to creative work not being lucrative.
- Looking up the Hacks creators' other work: Lucia Aniello did Broad City and the Time Traveling Bong miniseries, plus the 2017 film Rough Night with Scarlett Johansson and Kate McKinnon.
- Tim retracts his assumption that Hacks creators are broke, admitting they probably have money after learning their résumé.
- Tim expresses confusion about why Gene Smart is always described as a legend.
- Hacks is the only comedy on television right now, while Ted Lasso isn't funny but appears positive by default since it doesn't show people dying on ventilators.
- Tim takes back his earlier claim and tries to look up the net worth of one of the Rough Night creators.
Ted LassoBroad CityLucia AnielloHacksRough NightGene SmartScarlett JohanssonDel Rio, Texas
- 5 min
Demi Moore's Whip-Its and the Budget of Rough Night
#Tim and Ben speculate about the budget of Rough Night going toward keeping Demi Moore stable on set, recalling her real 2012 whip-its seizure, and riff on the hollow, nihilistic lesson that nothing matters more than getting high, before signing off for room service.
10moments
- Tim jokes that most of Demi Moore's $20 million salary goes to drugs to keep her sedated in a chair.
- The 2017 film required medication because Moore needed constant supervision and guards outside her dressing room.
- Tim wonders why he hasn't been allowed to have a television show despite the industry's attempts.
- People associate working with Tim with risk because they don't know what he'll say next.
- Demi Moore suffered a seizure from a drug overdose in 2012 after doing whip-its.
- Most of the budget for Rough Night went to keeping Demi Moore from having a rough night.
- Someone with Moore's history of inhalant abuse—overdosing on whip-its to the point of seizure—will use any available substance.
- On set, someone had to literally stand between Demi Moore and computer cleaner to prevent her from using it.
- Tim argues that for Moore, no amount of awards or red carpet success compares to the high of nitrous oxide.
- He frames inhalant abuse as a coping mechanism for the meaninglessness of existence before the uncomfortable truth erodes your soul.
Demi MooreHannah EinbinderHacks