Episode 267 · The Ben Avery Era
#267 - The D'Amelio Variant | The Tim Dillon Show
Sep 5, 2021 · 1:20:10 · 581,000 views · 28 segments, 158 moments indexed
Live from sunny Los Angeles, California, in the temporary studio, Tim breaks some tragic news, gives the D'Amelio family advice to make their tv show a lot more interesting, offers the city of Malibu a word from the wise following a…
Watch on YouTubeDiscuss on Reddit
- 2 min
$80 Million Podcast Studio, Condo, and Mario Batali's Comeback
#Tim opens by announcing a fictional $80 million hotel/condo/podcast studio complex, complete with residential units and a comeback restaurant for canceled chef Mario Batali.
4moments
- Tim announces the new $80 million podcast studio being built from the ground up in LA
- The facility combines a hotel, condo, and podcast studio with 400 residential units and 350 hotel rooms
- Mario Batali, canceled for operating a rape room in his restaurant, is now partnering with Tim's project as a chef
- Tim's reasoning for bringing Batali back: neither Tim nor anyone else is God or Jesus Christ, so they're letting bygones be bygones
Mario BataliTim Dillon Show studio
- 4 min
Joe Rogan's Fake Coronavirus Death and Young Jamie's Meltdown
#Tim delivers an elaborate fake tragedy bit claiming Joe Rogan died instantly of COVID despite taking supplements, and that Young Jamie went insane, tried to steal Joe's wife, and move into his house.
5moments
- Tim claims Joe Rogan died from coronavirus last week, killed almost instantly with 17 strokes.
- Young Jamie lost his mind after Joe's death and no one knows where he is now.
- Joe died despite taking all the supplements—vitamin D, quercetin, magnesium—everything.
- Joe's last words were him screaming 'ivermectin' as he was stroking out in a chair.
- Young Jamie tried to move into Joe's house, told his wife 'I'm the king now,' and she shot him.
- 4 min
In Memoriam Montage and Behind the Mask on Hulu
#After a fake memorial montage for Joe, Tim discusses watching the Hulu mascot documentary "Behind the Mask," comparing the hidden power of mascots to his own podcasting career.
9moments
- Tim notes the person in question was fat and smoked, wearing a corset during performances to hide his real size.
- He's been watching Behind the Mask on Hulu, a show about mascots with low confidence who become gods when they put on the suit.
- The premise: thousands cheer when they're in costume, but they're nothing when they take it off.
- Tim relates to feeling that power because few people experience what it's like to be loved while completely unknown.
- Hulu's algorithm chose the show for him, suggesting he'd like a program about people who only find happiness in hot, sweaty costumes.
- A Persian friend reached out on Instagram about Hurricane Ida knocking out power in New Orleans for days or weeks.
- The tail end of Hurricane Ida dumped torrential rain on New York City, killing people trapped in their basements and flooding subways.
- Tim scrolling Twitter saw images from the flooding and felt happy not to be there.
- The New York subway is going to flood repeatedly and there's nothing anyone will do about it—welcome to the climate change era.
Behind the MaskNew York CityHurricane IdamascotsNew Orleans
- 10 min
Hurricane Ida, New Orleans Power Outage, and the D'Amelio Show
#Tim pivots from Hurricane Ida's damage in New Orleans and NYC flooding into an extended riff mocking the D'Amelio Family reality show on Hulu, comparing it unfavorably to the Kardashians and imagining wild plotlines.
11moments
- Tim questions whether Hurricane Ida victims trapped without power are disappointed they can't watch the D'Amelio Show on Hulu.
- The D'Amelio Show features Charlie D'Amelio, a TikTok dancer with more followers than people on Earth, and her Connecticut family.
- Tim argues the show is boring compared to the Kardashians, who set the bar for reality TV by treating each other with suspicion and seeing one another mainly as brands.
- The entire D'Amelio Show revolves around the girls complaining to their family that the internet is mean and telling them to kill themselves.
- Tim loves the bit where the father keeps saying if it gets too much for the kids they'll move back to Connecticut, even as his daughter cries about daily suicide messages.
- The D'Amelio children are boring and stupid despite being savvy; the Kardashians were never children, which made them entertaining.
- Tim wishes the D'Amelio mother would grab one of the girls by the hair and tell her to shut up—that's the reality TV he wants to watch.
- Tim hopes the D'Amelio Show brings comfort to New Orleans residents suffering from Hurricane Ida, once they get their power back.
- The show is unnecessary unless it gets dark—the audience wants to see the father's point about things getting too much actually happen.
- If the older D'Amelio sister killed the younger one JonBenét Ramsey style, then they'd have a season two worth watching.
- Until something genuinely catastrophic happens on the show, the whole thing is unnecessary—unlike the power.
KardashiansThe D'Amelio ShowCharli D'AmelioKris JennerTikTokKim Kardashian
- 3 min
A Sheath Underwear ad read spirals into a fabricated story about the company's owner Robert Patron supposedly being a veteran whose job was procuring children to blackmail warlords.
5moments
- Tim praises Sheath underwear for its pouch design that prevents chafing.
- Robert Patron, the company owner, is a veteran with an extreme story.
- Tim explains Patron's military job was to entrap officials by providing them children for sex to enable blackmail operations.
- Anyone can shoot a bad guy overseas, but kidnapping children to provide to warlords for blackmail is the genuinely difficult work.
- Tim calls this real patriotism, not the flag-waving kind.
- 5 min
The Bird Dogs shorts ad turns into an extended, filthy hypothetical about a married man secretly having sex with his friend because he resents his wife.
9moments
- Tim describes Bird Dogs shorts as so comfortable you don't need underwear and can pull your dick out directly into the environment.
- The inside texture is like being jerked off or fingered, which leads to Tim defending the experience of fingering yourself during orgasm.
- Tim explains that Bird Dogs are cool shorts and he judges anyone not wearing them as having failed at life.
- A friend asking about your shorts in a complimentary way isn't gay, but then you suck each other off later anyway.
- Tim elaborates a fantasy about a married man whose friend has an average to below-average dick that fits in his mouth and he performs well.
- The married man's wife is stupid, spoiled by her father's money, and made a mistake with him, so he uses his gay friend as an escape.
- The fantasy involves wanting to tell his wife at dinner that he sucks dick and wanting it to be real, feeling pubic hair in his throat to spite her.
- Bird Dogs shorts enable you to get into spite-sucking situations that aren't actually gay because the real problem is marrying the wrong woman.
- Promo code tim dillon at birddogs.com gets you a free whistle ball with your shorts order.
- 3 min
Tim discusses the FTC investigation into McDonald's ice cream machines and tells a story about a rest-stop employee hand-mixing his McFlurry while maintaining unbroken eye contact.
7moments
- FTC investigating why McDonald's ice cream machines are broken more often than working
- Tim on McDonald's claiming machines are down for cleaning when they actually don't know what's wrong
- Comparing the ice cream machine conspiracy to California's power grid manipulation under Gray Davis
- Problem with McFlurries and Blizzards: candy used to be swirled throughout, now it's only on top
- Tim describes a rest stop McDonald's in Pennsylvania where the machine was broken
- Employee hand-stirred his McFlurry with an unbroken stare, stabbing it repeatedly with a spoon
- Tim can't determine if the woman's eye contact was resignation or anger about him ordering a McFlurry
McDonald'sFTCGray Davis
- 5 min
Hibachi Restaurants and the Choo-Choo Train Guy
#Tim rants about hating hibachi restaurants, the fake showmanship of the chefs, and a story about a grown man filming the train-whistle trick at an Austin hibachi place.
9moments
- McDonald's ice cream machines require nightly cleaning cycles lasting up to four hours, destroying bacteria in the mix.
- Tim has never had fun at a hibachi place and finds the experience demoralizing for the chef.
- The food at hibachi restaurants is overcooked shrimp thrown in the air that tastes bad.
- Sitting at hibachi feels like watching sea lions at SeaWorld rather than dining.
- At an Austin hibachi, Tim saw a grown man filming the chef doing the choo-choo train trick with a whistle.
- Receiving a text suggesting hibachi is as bad as being asked to volunteer at a homeless shelter at night.
- Tim never wants to see happy children at a restaurant and would rather give them iPads to figure out who they are.
- Hibachi food makes you feel like a refugee eating rice, overcooked shrimp, and onions.
- The practice of chefs throwing shrimp into diners' open mouths like birds is an at-risk activity for choking.
McDonald'shibachi restaurantsTaylor Commercial Food Service
- 2 min
The Elderly Fetish and the Walgreens Line-Cutter
#Tim describes developing a fondness for elderly people because they're physically unthreatening, illustrated by a story about an old man scolding him in a Walgreens line.
3moments
- Tim and his companion have developed an elderly fetish, drawn to how slow and diminished elderly people are but also how they'll try to get one over on you.
- At a Walgreens, an old man called Tim out for cutting the line, and Tim realized he could physically overpower the elderly person if he wanted to, which he finds oddly satisfying.
- Though the old man might have been a war veteran or Florida Nazi who knows how to fight, potentially reversing the power dynamic entirely.
- 5 min
Tim reports on a machete attack by two homeless people on a family in Malibu that resulted in the father losing an eye, cautiously trying to withhold judgment.
9moments
- Tim loves the alliteration of 'machete' and 'Malibu' despite not liking machete attacks.
- The incident: two homeless people attacked a family with a machete on a Malibu beach, leaving the father with a lost eye.
- Tim's immediate advice: if you're arguing with someone while with your family, walk away instead of continuing to push.
- He refuses to take a reactionary stance without understanding what happened, arguing California is complex and requires digging deep.
- Details emerge: the homeless people confronted the family saying they weren't allowed in the area, sparking the argument that led to the attack.
- The moral of the story, according to Tim: it's not about winning or being tough when your family is present—you need to get away.
- Claiming homeless people with machetes shouldn't live on beaches would make him a lunatic, because the question becomes: where would they go?
- Tim argues against the idea that homeless people shouldn't set up communities that become open-air fentanyl markets with occasional weapon violence.
- California's housing crisis stems from the state not building homes, with absurdly high cost-per-unit construction expenses.
- 2 min
Homelessness, Fentanyl Markets, and Funny Arson
#Tim wrestles with finding homeless-caused fires funny despite the tragedy, and riffs on California's housing crisis and fentanyl markets.
4moments
- Homeless people are setting fires, and Tim finds it funny despite recognizing the moral conflict between being a comedian and a decent human being.
- Tim describes imagining how a homeless man would sneak and start a fire, then scurry away to watch it—admitting it's funny even though it shouldn't be.
- Hypothetical: what if Charli D'Amelio was the one starting fires in Malibu as an outlet for control over her life?
- Tim considers he might actually support Charli D'Amelio starting fires in Malibu, which would make for an interesting show.
- 5 min
Imagining the Malibu Community Meeting Speech
#Tim imagines himself giving an emotional speech at a Malibu public safety meeting, then recounts his own brief homelessness in Venice Beach as a drug-addicted young man kicked out by his parents.
10moments
- Tim imagines himself at a Malibu community meeting about public safety and machete attacks.
- Opening the speech with vague familiarity: "Many of you know me, I've lived in the community for years."
- "Malibu is a special place" — getting emotional while staring at the crowd.
- Tim announces his anger: "I'm sorry but I'm fucking mad" about freaks with machetes cutting out people's eyes.
- Drawing the line against eye-cutting and declaring himself a good person.
- Tim pivots to a personal story: a weekend homeless in the early '90s after his parents kicked him out of their Montecito home for acting erratically.
- Sleeping in his car by Venice Beach as a white drug addict — and getting oral sex instead of eye trauma.
- Stealing a fish taco from a local bar and receiving community kindness rather than police involvement.
- After taking strong acid the next day, he knocked over a porta potty thinking it was a robot, but still no machete attack.
- Returning home to his parents and promising to do his own drugs and eventually attend Yale instead of being a weird artist.
- 2 min
A straightforward DraftKings ad promoting the NFL season opener fantasy contest and promo code.
2moments
- Tim says he was a homeless man and wants to tell people to kill someone and light their corpses on fire, but didn't get to speak at the Malibu board meeting
- DraftKings NFL Fantasy promo: new customers get a free shot at a one million dollar top prize with four million dollars total up for grabs
- 2 min
A straightforward SimplySafe ad about the founders' story and the security system's ease of setup and monitoring.
1moment
- SimplySafe home security ad begins with the origin story of founders Chad and Eleanor Lawrence designing their first system in a kitchen after friends were burglarized.
- 2 min
Tim runs down upcoming tour dates including Corpus Christi, Ontario, and the Beacon Theater with Ben, joking about the 9/11 weekend booking and teasing a theater tour announcement.
8moments
- Corpus Christi shows September 9th, 10th, and 11th — the weekend of 9/11.
- Tim is performing at Mesquite Street, which he describes as a pizzeria where comedy happens.
- Big theater tour announcement coming next week to all the places fans have requested.
- Agent says they can't announce after Labor Day because it's a wash.
- The live show is stand-up comedy, not the podcast performed live, with Ben on most dates.
- Beacon Theater in New York — stand-up plus a live podcast recording with Ben guaranteed on stage.
- Over 2,000 tickets already sold to the Beacon but some remain available.
- Potential guests for the live show include Ray Kump, but Rogan is dead now.
- 5 min
Tim mocks Australians embracing extreme lockdown measures and pivots into a riff on boomers needing constant tragedy topics like Afghanistan and COVID to discuss.
8moments
- Australians have lost it with lockdown fanaticism; they're actually building forts in their houses and enjoying not having to work.
- The state texts Australians at random times demanding they take a selfie at their location within 15 minutes — a Black Mirror scenario.
- Tim's aunt exemplifies boomer tragedy addiction: she won't stop talking about COVID, then pivots to Afghan women without genuine concern.
- Boomers are programmed to need constant tragedy and cannot get through a meal or vacation without bringing up a crisis.
- Tim pushes back on manufactured outrage about Afghan women, noting he doesn't know many women there and wouldn't get along with them anyway.
- Republicans passed a Texas abortion bounty law allowing anyone to sue those providing or assisting abortion access after six weeks.
- The law rewards private bounty hunters at least ten thousand dollars for successfully suing someone involved in abortion provision.
- Tim argues the bounty system contradicts the right-wing demand to stop ratting on friends, demanding people mind their business instead.
AustraliaTexasSouth AustraliaBoomersAfghanistan
- 1 min
Tim discusses the new Texas law allowing private citizens to sue and collect bounties for reporting abortions after six weeks, comparing it to snitching culture.
1moment
- Tim says he's never gotten someone pregnant
- 2 min
Ovulation Apps and Wanting His Own Genetic Legacy
#A tangent on pregnancy windows and ovulation apps leads Tim to declare he wants his own biological child rather than adopting, mocking Pete Buttigieg and Chasten's adoption.
4moments
- Tim accidentally performed an abortion after fighting a pregnant woman once, though the baby turned out fine, just a little slow.
- Ovulation apps let people track when a woman can actually get pregnant, a small window each cycle.
- Tim argues he should be able to get pregnant, saying trans women can do it whenever they want.
- Adoption is easy, but Tim wants to pass on his own genes and talent through a biological child.
- 3 min
Choosing a Trad Wife Surrogate and the Buttigieg Baby Photos
#Tim describes his ideal southern, obedient surrogate to pass on his genes, then examines photos of Pete Buttigieg and Chasten's adopted twins, questioning their race.
10moments
- Tim wants to find a surrogate to groom a successor to his Patreon dynasty rather than adopt.
- The ideal woman would be a traditional wife from the suburbs of Dallas with blonde hair and minimal intellectual capacity.
- Tim questions what kind of children Pete Buttigieg and Chasten have, noting their baby photos are in black and white and asking about their race.
- Tim's godson is quarter Chinese and he wants to bring him on the show to prove a point about the baby photos.
- Looking at the Buttigieg babies' photo, Tim says they look white to him despite questioning their heritage moments earlier.
- Buttigieg and Chasten also have two dogs named Truman and Buddy, which prompts Tim's rant about people having too many dogs.
- Tim argues two dogs is already too much and more than two is excessive, with five or six dogs indicating something is wrong.
- Michelle Obama keeps six dogs but loses them regularly because her maid killed one, which Tim considers beneficial population control.
- Whitney apparently has five dogs and doesn't even know what's going on with them.
- Tim connects dog ownership excess to a mention of ivermectin.
- 2 min
Michelle's Dead Dogs and the Six-Dog Rule
#Tim riffs on people owning too many dogs, singling out an unnamed 'Michelle' whose maid killed her dog and Whitney's excessive dog count.
6moments
- Tim mocks Michelle for criticizing ivermectin being for horses while her whole persona is about horses.
- Surrogacy would be easier than adoption for Michelle and her husband after trying for a year.
- Tim claims he would qualify to adopt based on his profile as someone you'd want raising a child.
- He notes he's not gay, just has sex with men, and isn't in the government or CIA—unlike Michelle's husband.
- Tim jokes that the CIA can't just give them one of the MK kids because nobody wants a lobotomized child at breakfast.
- Stop pretending to care about Ozark; Tim will watch it when it comes back but won't hear it mentioned.
- 4 min
Ozark vs. The Sopranos and Stranger Things Distrust
#Tim trashes Ozark's writing quality compared to The Sopranos and The Wire, then declares distrust of Stranger Things actor Finn Wolfhard for no clear reason.
8moments
- Tim would kill anyone who mentions Ozark in the same sentence as The Sopranos or The Wire.
- Tim's verdict: the show's not good and none of the cast should have careers after it.
- Tim doesn't trust Finn Wolfhard and thinks he seems untrustworthy without being able to explain why.
- Finn Wolfhard has the look of someone who would steal things from your house he didn't even want.
- Tim cites his past accuracy reading people, specifically predicting Charli D'Amelio would be a pyromaniac starting fires in Malibu.
- Tim voices Charli D'Amelio's perspective, claiming she likes watching the smoke and fire makes her feel alive.
- Tim advises the D'Amelio family that if they want Kardashian-level fame, one daughter needs to date O.J. Simpson as soon as she turns eighteen.
- Dixie D'Amelio is twenty and should start dating O.J. Simpson to make the show interesting.
OzarkFinn WolfhardJason BatemanLaura LinneyThe SopranosCharli D'AmelioStranger ThingsMillie Bobby Brown+2 more
- 3 min
O.J. Simpson Dating Dixie D'Amelio: The Ultimate Plot Twist
#Tim spins an elaborate fictional storyline where Dixie D'Amelio dates O.J. Simpson, Charlie is revealed as a pyromaniac, and the D'Amelio family show gets the drama it needs.
6moments
- Tim imagines O.J. Simpson dating Dixie D'Amelio and pitches how her parents would have to react.
- Charlie D'Amelio's defense of O.J.: he's like an older brother who taught him football, and internet rumors don't count as evidence.
- Tim does the bit from the family's perspective, with the daughter calling home from Malibu to report O.J. attacked someone with a machete.
- TikTok, the pandemic, and new variants will never end because this is the future we deserve.
- To make the D'Amelio show actually watchable, the father cheats with an 18-year-old, Dixie dates O.J., Charlie starts fires in Malibu with homeless people.
- Addison Huddy has to admit he's a vampire with a blood fetish, and only then will Tim actually watch.
O.J. SimpsonBryce HallDixie D'AmelioCharli D'AmelioTikToksocial media
- 2 min
Tim lists more tour dates including Baltimore and Ontario, plugs the Patreon tiers, and Ben plugs his own social media.
3moments
- Tim announces tour dates: Corpus Christi, Baltimore at McGooby's (sold out), Ontario Improv, and a big LA theater the night after Thanksgiving.
- Ben plugs his Instagram and Twitter accounts where he posts breakdowns and links to Patreon episodes.
- Tim warns Ben not to publicly announce dinner plans because people will show up trying to kill him over his DeMilia comments.
Ontario, CaliforniaBaltimore, MarylandLos AngelesCorpus Christi, TexasBen Avery
- 1 min
Finishing the O.J. and Dixie Duet Fantasy
#Tim continues the O.J.-Dixie storyline with an imagined duet song 'Second Chances' and Dixie announcing she's pregnant with O.J.'s baby to end the season.
4moments
- Tim imagines Dixie D'Amelio singing a duet called 'Second Chances' to O.J. Simpson.
- Tim describes how pop songs are written in five minutes and handed to singers on their phones.
- O.J. bobs his head along while Dixie sings lyrics about not caring what people say about him.
- The fantasy ends with Dixie's character revealing she's having O.J.'s baby as a season finale cliffhanger.
- 1 min
Tim finishes his creative pitch for the D'Amelio show plotlines and repeats the Patreon plug for bonus episodes.
3moments
- Charli's indifferent about OJ killing Noah Back, her ex-boyfriend.
- In Tim's fan fiction, Dixie is dating OJ and having his baby, Charlie's in jail for the Malibu fire, and the father reassures everyone he can always take them back to Connecticut if it gets too much.
- Patreon plug: patreon.com/thetimdillonshow for bonus content — one episode weekly on Tuesday, plus monthly video episodes for higher tiers.
- 3 min
Fantasy Funeral for Joe Rogan
#Tim imagines an elaborate celebrity-packed funeral for the fictional dead Joe Rogan, featuring Jocko Willink, David Goggins, Jordan Peterson, Barry Weiss, Bernie Sanders, and others.
7moments
- Tim imagines Spotify will eventually admit Joe Rogan is dead and hold a memorial service.
- Jaco Willink will speak at the funeral while David Goggins runs backwards through the procession.
- Jordan Peterson arrives at the funeral just weeping uncontrollably.
- Tony Hinchcliffe shows up in full cowboy outfit and hat.
- Brendan Schaub will also be there.
- Jamie will be on the run because he's lost his mind.
- Jamie sits alone in the chair late at night after Joe leaves, practicing 'you pull it up.'
Joe RoganDavid GogginsJordan PetersonTony HinchcliffeBernie SandersMikhaila PetersonBari WeissJamie+2 more
- 1 min
Young Jamie's Empty Chair Fantasy
#Tim closes with a bit imagining Young Jamie alone in the studio chair after Joe is gone, muttering catchphrases to himself.
1moment
- Tim claims to be a mountain man
- 1 min
Tim tells listeners to find them online and says goodbye.
1moment
- Tim signs off and directs listeners to find the show online