Episode 233 · The Ben Avery Era
Classic tier — a personal pick, not a popularity ranking#233 - Airbnb War | The Tim Dillon Show
Jan 3, 2021 · 1:22:40 · 482,000 views · 27 segments, 163 moments indexed
This week Tim is at war with an Airbnb host, questions the pig head found on Nancy's doorstep, explains why the police couldn't stop the Christmas Bomber, and defends Hilaria Baldwin.
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- 2 min
Cold Open: Fake COVID Symptoms, Ice Cream Cake, and Marlboro Ultra Lights
#Tim opens by joking he has every COVID symptom imaginable, then describes a week of gluttonous behavior with Ray, eating ice cream cakes and smoking cigarettes as a form of pandemic-era bravado.
6moments
- Tim claims to have a 104-degree fever, dry cough, shortness of breath, and blood clotting but refuses to get tested or change his behavior.
- Speaking perfect Mandarin upon waking is among his symptoms.
- It's ballsy during a pandemic to eat ice cream cake and smoke a pack of cigarettes every day.
- If you show up to a hospital in California now, they just smack you across the face because there's no capacity.
- Raymond drinks multiple two-liter bottles of diet Coke and loves cigarettes.
- Tim got two ice cream cakes from Cold Stone for New Year's after doing an event that was dark enough that some viewers commented on it.
- 1 min
Alex's Vaccine-Jellyfish Conspiracy Theory
#Tim recounts someone at a New Year's event claiming the COVID vaccine contains jellyfish DNA and bringing up Henrietta Lacks' immortal cells and Fauci in a confusing rant.
3moments
- Tim describes the absurdity of someone claiming vaccines contain jellyfish.
- Alex pivots to talking about the Lazarus gene and Henrietta Lacks' cells replicating indefinitely.
- The conspiracy somehow tied Henrietta Lacks' cells back to Fauci, leaving Tim confused.
Henrietta Lacks
- 3 min
Nancy Pelosi's Garage and Cancel Rent Graffiti
#Tim jokes about vandals spray-painting Nancy Pelosi's garage door with pig's blood demanding rent cancellation, speculating she staged it herself for sympathy, and riffs on stimulus checks.
7moments
- Tim decides to quit eating ice cream cake and smoking cigarettes daily because his mouth is burnt and his skin feels like it's cracking off.
- His solution is to switch to Marlboro Ultra Lights, though he immediately admits the brand doesn't even exist anymore.
- His personal trainer got COVID right after he hired him, so Tim's left with no excuse except going to Cold Stone and buying ice cream cake and cigarettes.
- Tim argues that sitting in his backyard smoking cigarettes with a morbidly obese friend is as risky and badass as influencers throwing orgies.
- He describes feeling physically awful from eating the worst food possible—his throat, nose, everything hurts—and recognizes he should be doing yoga outside in L.A. instead.
- Tim says he should be spray painting Nancy Pelosi's garage with graffiti.
- Someone spray painted 'Cancel Rent' on Pelosi's garage, and Tim notes that no one's actually canceling rent despite all these radical demands.
- 10 min
In Defense of Hilaria Baldwin's Fake Spanish Identity
#Tim gives an extended defense of Hilaria Baldwin pretending to be Spanish, arguing rich people should be allowed to "try on" other identities for fun, comparing it to wanting to be Asian or Russian, and contrasting it with actual blackface.
11moments
- Nancy Pelosi allegedly paid a neighborhood kid to attack her husband for sympathy points.
- Tim argues that wanting to be interesting by adopting a different identity is better than being nobody.
- Hilaria Baldwin isn't actually doing anything harmful—she's just slightly different from a basic white person.
- Nobody appreciates how hard it is to be rich in this country.
- She wants people at parties to ask her about growing up in Spain and making jamon with her grandmother.
- Tim would respect a friend way more if they just decided to become Asian and committed to the identity.
- Why should he be stuck being Irish his whole life instead of choosing to be Castilian Spanish or Russian?
- Tim's maid is as fat and lazy as he is, so they just sit silently eating pumpkin loaf together.
- If Hilaria was doing blackface with a Bob Marley wig, that would be offensive—but she's not.
- Rich people should be allowed to try on another country's history if they want to.
- Tim sees no problem with wealthy people adopting different racial or ethnic identities.
Hilaria BaldwinAlec BaldwinNancy PelosiCaitlyn JennerMadonnaCatherine Zeta JonesPenelope Cruz
- 2 min
His Maid Is as Lazy as He Is
#Tim describes his housekeeper as fat, lazy, and constantly on her phone, joking that she's basically another version of himself living in his house.
5moments
- Tim imagines someone revealing mid-thick Russian accent that they decided to be Russian three years ago and made up the whole backstory.
- Life is too short to enforce rigid roles on people; Tim tells critics to figure out how to do something good themselves.
- Immigrants are heading back to Mexico now, Tim notes.
- Years of anti-immigrant policies from the Trump administration, magnified by pandemic insecurities, have driven people back.
- Mexico is a narco state that supplies America cocaine, and the U.S. has no reason to prop it up unless we're getting what we want from it.
- 3 min
Tim mocks the Nashville RV bomber for a sloppy, low-casualty attack that only killed some dogs, speculating it's tied to COVID-driven terrorism and vaccine messaging.
8moments
- Tim can't care about news events anymore because there's nothing happening worth caring about
- Police defended their response to the Nashville bomber, but critics claim they only knocked twice because he was white
- Everyone in America is three to four days away from detonating a bomb or going on a shooting spree
- Tim admits he's three to four days from building a bomb outside Billie Eilish's house, but a McGriddle might stop him
- Americans are kept alive by only two fantasies: getting rich or burning it all down
- Schools try to prevent violence by enforcing lists of people kids want to kill, but most people fantasize about murder constantly
- The entire American experience comes down to thinking about murdering your spouse or investing in a successful timeshare
- The country is so drugged on cheap food, booze, and pills that people are stagnant and can barely function sexually
- 3 min
Everyone's Murder Fantasies and America's Death Wish
#Tim argues that everyone in America is a few days away from snapping and that murder/wealth fantasies are the only things uniting the country, tying it back to the Pelosi vandalism and school shooter watchlists.
6moments
- Americans fantasize about murdering people constantly, especially online where others validate the ideas.
- Tim argues comedy and free speech are necessary outlets for people to release violent fantasies and tension before they act.
- Porn serves the same function as dark fantasies—a pressure release so people don't actually harm their partners.
- Murder in movies looks amazing, but the reality feels completely different—fantasy and actual violence are not the same thing.
- Nancy Pelosi's garage was spray-painted and a pig head left there—many people fantasized about it, but she's the one who actually did it.
- Tim illustrates how one person acting out what thousands fantasized about makes everyone sympathetic to the original threat.
- 2 min
Comedy and Porn as Necessary Fantasy Outlets
#Tim argues comedy, free speech, and porn function as pressure release valves for violent and sexual fantasies people can't act on in real life.
7moments
- You can't leave a pig head in someone's driveway—it's too much.
- Cornering an animal or a person—they'll scratch, claw, and bite back.
- He has no idea who attacked Pelosi's house, though he's got a good idea maybe he doesn't know.
- Tim can't stop eating ice cream cake—went to Cold Stone, which isn't as good as Carvel but still decent.
- After a Cold Stone ice cream cake, he wakes up wanting to kill everybody from lack of discipline.
- You need to blow off steam and tell a friend you're gonna bomb them, as a joke about venting frustration.
- The joke about wanting to bomb becomes absurdist as he trails off into I'm gonna bomb.
- 2 min
Vaccine Order and Getting It Last
#Tim jokes about pledging to be last in line for the COVID vaccine out of "respect" for essential workers while confusion reigns over Pfizer vs Moderna doses.
6moments
- Tim dismisses the Nashville bombing as a shitty half-measure that killed only a couple of dogs.
- He proposes it was a sloppy false flag operation, with the implication that the perpetrators should have killed more people to actually intimidate vaccine refusers.
- Tim jokes that COVID is now driving people to terrorism and suggests it will become an official symptom.
- He lists anti-government behavior as a symptom of coronavirus and recommends getting vaccinated to avoid becoming a terrorist.
- Tim announces he doesn't need the vaccine right away and wants other people to get it first, claiming this demonstrates his respect for heroes.
- He makes a pledge to take the vaccine last, after all 350 million people in the country have gotten it.
vaccinesMiranda Lambert
- 3 min
Whitney's Disappearance and Hair Color Spiral
#Tim jokes about his friend Whitney going silent for weeks after multiple hair color changes, speculating she's having a Timothy McVeigh-style breakdown and might bomb something.
7moments
- Tim on vaccine hesitancy: multiple brands with no clear authority, government nobody trusts, and the rollout being too fast.
- Asians will comply when asked; women are hesitant because many want to get pregnant and worry about affecting their children.
- Tim's wife showed up at Christmas with a vaccine needle as a gift, which he didn't take.
- Whitney hasn't called in two weeks and probably wouldn't be impressed unless she got solid food or an hour of sunlight.
- Tim showed Whitney her house at Christmas as a present but she wouldn't let him inside.
- Around the third hair color change, people started asking where things are going with Whitney.
- Tim compares Whitney's situation to a Timothy McVeigh style breakdown and jokes she might bomb the virtual Emmys or Jimmy Kimmel's house.
- 2 min
Christmas Gifts: Candles, Cookware, and a Vaccine Needle Joke
#Tim and Ben discuss the Christmas gifts exchanged, a Nordstrom candle and Williams Sonoma cookware, before Tim jokes his wife handed him a vaccine needle and a power of attorney form.
5moments
- Tim shows up at someone's door unannounced and doesn't get answered, calls it rude.
- Tim receives an eighty-dollar candle from Nordstrom as a housewarming gift.
- Williams Sonoma haul totals around $480—crew set and a nice cutting board.
- Additional gifts include flowers from a floral shop.
- The punchline: a signed power of attorney document giving his wife control over all his financial decisions.
Williams SonomaNordstrom
- 4 min
Tim reads an ad for Magic Spoon low-carb, keto-friendly cereal, describing the flavors and its use as a diet-friendly meal replacement, drifting into a rant about self-loathing and body image.
10moments
- Magic Spoon has zero sugar, 11 grams of protein, and three net grams of carbs per serving with customizable variety boxes.
- The fruity flavor tastes exactly like Fruit Loops but works as a keto-friendly meal replacement without the carbs or sugar.
- Tim recommends it for people on diets that require severely limiting carbs and sugar, or as an easy breakfast before meats and cheeses later in the day.
- The cereal is expensive because it uses natural sweeteners like monk fruit extract instead of sugar and is gluten-free, grain-free, and non-GMO.
- Tim launches into a brutal monologue about being a fat slug at the start of the new year, disgusting yourself and rotting away like a bloated body found in a river.
- Fat people take photos from high angles on dating apps and hold phones so high during video calls their arms get sore to hide their bodies.
- Tim continues the rant: if you die from being overweight, your body will just be dumped in a wheelbarrow and ditched because you don't deserve a funeral.
- Fat activists don't exist in the real world, only on Twitter, and only matter if you're a millionaire like Lizzo who can shake her ass.
- Even Lizzo is trying to make her ass smaller because eventually everyone gets sick of having a big ass, and Tim notes they don't advertise on his show.
- The diet world has moved to paleo and keto because everything ends with 'o' and is about getting back to nature and natural things like this cereal.
Magic SpoonLizzoSusan Powter
- 4 min
Tim promotes Manscaped grooming tools for trimming body hair, then gets into an odd tangent with Ben about nose hair and armpit hair fetishes and nature vs. nurture.
8moments
- Tim notes that 79% of partners admitted long nose hair is a major turn-off, leading to a discussion of nose hair fetishes.
- The claim that anyone with a nose hair fetish is into weird stuff, and Tim's skepticism about whether such a thing even exists.
- A nature versus nurture argument breaks out over whether attraction to body hair is genetic or learned.
- Tim accuses his co-host of having an outburst and derailing the ad to obstruct the program.
- Tim questions whether his co-host actually shaves his ass with the Lawnmower trimmer, expressing disbelief.
- The co-host refuses to let his wife peg him, leading Tim to question the point of having a clean ass if nobody's going to get back there.
- Tim pivots back to the ad and mentions plans to get in and out for a last LA meal with Ryan Lewis, Lucy, Devon, and Ida.
- Final ad copy: 20% off and free shipping with code TIMD at manscape.com.
- 1 min
New Year's Resolution Economy and Michaela Peterson's Carnivore Diet
#Tim mocks the diet-industrial complex tied to New Year's resolutions and mentions being booked on Michaela Peterson's podcast to discuss her carnivore diet and autoimmune disease.
4moments
- Tim on the stupidity of a new year's resolution-based economy where companies exploit people's fitness and financial insecurity.
- Tim is doing Michaela Peterson's podcast to discuss her carnivore diet, which she claims has cured all her diseases.
- Michaela Peterson's autoimmune disease symptoms include body-wide inflammation and attempting to kill her father.
- Tim jokes about clearing his schedule so he doesn't have to do anything, then mocks a woman in a lobster costume.
Michaela Petersoncarnivore diet
- 4 min
Tim reacts to a news clip about an LA nurse warning of overwhelmed hospitals and butcher trucks for bodies, then mocks the framing that overcrowded housing (aimed at Latino communities) is driving the surge.
10moments
- Hospital running out of oxygen tanks and morgue space, leading to butcher trucks for bodies.
- Tim reacts to the hospital director's ominous warning about butcher trucks coming out.
- Tim expresses sympathy for LA's crisis but questions why hospitals weren't prepared for a second wave.
- Video shows ambulances continuously arriving at overwhelmed LA hospitals.
- Newscast notes Florida fared better than California despite being wide open for months.
- Expert identifies LA's overcrowded housing as uniquely susceptible to disease outbreak.
- Tim mocks elderly people still living with roommates instead of getting their own place.
- Average home price in LA is $650,000, which Tim dismisses as the obvious reason people can't spread out.
- Tim suggests people dying of COVID in crowded LA spaces just need a better investment advisor.
- Tim identifies his frustration with housing costs as a Ben Shapiro talking point.
Gavin NewsomFloridaLos AngelesTony Catano
- 2 min
Get a New Investment Guy: Mocking Conservative Bootstrapping Takes
#Tim riffs on the Ben Shapiro-style argument that COVID victims in crowded housing should just "get a new investment team" or buy a house.
4moments
- Tim questions why people aren't invested in the market in a healthy way during the pandemic.
- Lockdown enforcement is nonsensical: people can't sit on a patio with a salad but can stand arm-to-arm in Costco buying icing.
- Walking into densely populated LA houses, Tim observes that none of the Mexicans work — they're all TikToking trying to be famous.
- When authorities say 'densely populated communities,' they mean Mexicans, not the 800,000 people in the Hollywood Hills.
- 2 min
Alex Jones and Tina Forte's Anti-Mask Crusade
#Tim recounts Alex Jones's unaired anti-mercs rant and describes Tina Forte, who nearly died of COVID, now planning anti-mask flash mobs.
5moments
- Alex Jones wanted a 45-minute anti-mask rant on the show that couldn't have aired on YouTube.
- Tim worried the streaming platform would shut them down for airing it.
- Jones called the vaccine jellyfish and claimed they're putting jellyfish inside people.
- After the show, Jones got in a tank and went to yell at the mayor of Austin at the W Hotel.
- Forte nearly died of coronavirus in the hospital and is now leading anti-mask flash mobs in grocery stores.
- 2 min
Does America Deserve to Survive? Restaurant Takeout Menu Gripes
#Tim questions whether the country deserves to make it through the pandemic given people's behavior, then complains about restaurants offering different takeout vs. dine-in menus, wanting his truffle deviled egg.
5moments
- Tim questions whether America deserves to survive, suggesting it would be an odd aberration if the country made it to the next century.
- He criticizes people leading flash mobs in Starbucks as a form of protest, calling it a strange way to demonstrate conviction.
- Tim questions why someone who nearly died from COVID would respond by leading anti-mask flash mobs instead of resting or reconsidering.
- Restaurant takeout menus differ significantly from dine-in menus, frustrating customers who want the same offerings whether eating in or taking food home.
- Tim jokes about butcher trucks coming to take everyone out, saying he'd like to eat truffle deviled eggs before civilization ends.
- 18 min
The Joshua Tree Airbnb War with Jonah and Mila
#Tim gives a long, escalating account of a disastrous Joshua Tree Airbnb stay with unusable art-piece furniture, a bad review dispute with the hosts Jonah and Mila, and increasingly over-the-top threats and fantasies of revenge against them.
12moments
- Tim rented a "luxury compound" in Joshua Tree and encountered furniture designed for people on drugs rather than actual guests.
- The house featured art-piece chairs and concrete stools that made it impossible to eat comfortably.
- The owners, Jonah and Mila, wanted them to take drugs; Tim instead cooked Gorton's fish, baked beans, and burgers.
- They left dishes in the sink—baked beans, tartar sauce, and ice cream—because the hot tub didn't work and the fireplace was broken.
- The owner texted that the cleaning crew had a heart attack and begged for a good review after leaving Tim a bad one on Airbnb.
- Tim responded with a detailed takedown: the furniture is unusable, the home is overpriced, and it looks furnished by drug addicts.
- The owners publicly disparaged him on Airbnb, making him look like the bad guy after he paid a $400 cleaning fee.
- Tim vents about waking up every day thinking about how to destroy Jonah and Mila for shaming him publicly.
- He defends his right to fantasize darkly about revenge as cathartic venting that differs from actually committing violence.
- There's nothing worse than lesbians who think they're artists and should just build a shed instead.
- Sheath underwear has a dual pouch design that keeps genitals separate and cool, especially in heat.
- The Sheath founder is a military veteran who was too violent for private military contractors and started an underwear company instead.
AirbnbSheath UnderwearJoshua TreeKatie HerzogWestboro Baptist Church
- 1 min
Wanting to Do the Lex Fridman Show
#Tim mentions wanting to appear on Lex Fridman's show and grumbles that Marc Maron has never booked him despite having specials to promote.
2moments
- Tim identifies a company as the biggest comedy fan that advertises on the show, supporting multiple podcasts and allowing comedians creative freedom.
- Tim makes a joke claiming the advertiser also shot JFK, in a sheath underwear.
- 1 min
Tim reads an ad for Sheath Underwear, describing its dual-pouch design and praising the founder, a veteran, while joking about his sensitive skin.
2moments
- Tim mentions wanting to get on various podcasts, including Lex Fridman's, but notes that Marin only has guests promoting something.
- Tim says he's tired of comedy and doesn't care about it anymore, despite loving it as his lifeblood.
- 1 min
Why Won't You Let Your Wife Peg You?
#A brief tangent where Ben asks Tim why he won't let his wife peg him, continuing an earlier thread from the Manscaped ad.
- 1 min
Tim continues the Sheath ad with absurd fake backstory jokes about the founder throwing Bin Laden's body in the ocean and shooting JFK.
2moments
- Tim doesn't care about underwear anymore and wants to do cool live events when things open back up.
- Tim refuses to stay in a comedy club forever and needs to do crazy live stuff to avoid boredom.
- 1 min
Future Live Show Ideas: Pop-Up Restaurants and Fake Business Conventions
#Tim pitches ideas for future live comedy events including a pop-up restaurant, a fake business convention with comedians, and a chaotic bus tour experience.
4moments
- Tim pitches a fake business convention at a hotel where comics do bits about sexual harassment training and other corporate absurdities.
- He rented a tour bus in New York City to create what he sees as the future of his work: immersive comedic experiences rather than just stand-up.
- Pop-up restaurant concept where attendees get both a dining and comedy experience mixed together.
- Comedy show on Joshua Tree with 100 people, followed by a dark tangent about burning down the hosts' Airbnb and torturing the owners.
- 5 min
Fake-Apologizing to Jonah and Mila, Then Threatening Them Again
#Tim continues addressing the Airbnb hosts directly, oscillating between insincere apology and renewed threats, inviting them onto the show to hash it out.
10moments
- Tim opens with a fake apology to the women, claiming he loves them and all his comments were comedy.
- He claims he's kidding about skinning them and invites them on the show because he did nothing wrong.
- Tim shifts to saying they took a public shot at him on Airbnb and he hopes they live with that every day.
- He addresses them directly, saying he will never let up for the rest of his life over the bad review.
- Tim threatens Hiroshima and Nagasaki-level retaliation before immediately claiming he's kidding.
- He pivots to saying he'll blow up one of their cars and throw one of them out with third-degree burns.
- Tim backtracks again, insisting he's joking and doesn't even know how to blow up a car.
- He accuses the other person of being vicious and harboring deep-seated anger he buries and releases months later.
- Tim says they stir a little pot of hell together while he gets all his anger out on the show.
- He closes by warning them they're being watched closely.
- 3 min
Renting Under a Fake Name for Revenge Photos, and Ben's Suppressed Anger
#Tim jokes about wanting to secretly rent the Airbnb again under someone else's name for a prank, then turns to accusing Ben and his wife of secretly harboring resentment toward him.
8moments
- Tim's revenge prank scheme: rent an Airbnb under someone else's name, throw a party, take photos, post them online with 'can't keep me up' caption.
- In Joshua Tree County, renters must be essential workers—a requirement Tim tried to circumvent by claiming to work for Gavin Newsom, which didn't impress the humorless Airbnb hosts.
- Tim lost his Palm Springs deposit because Duncan ate the couch, and he had also paid to heat the pool.
- Ben tells Tim he needs to fight for what is right and true, and accuses him of harboring suppressed rage.
- Ben claims Tim comes back months later with legitimate grievances he never expressed, having kept his feelings bottled up.
- Tim admits he's bad at being honest, has anger issues, and vapes constantly to keep it all down.
- Ben and Tim have had fights where they've both been angry with each other over the years of working together.
- Ben wants to start the year on good terms because he can't have Tim and his wife trying to kill him all the time.
- 2 min
Closing Bit: Christ's Light, God, and Sparing Jonah and Mila
#Tim closes with a mock-religious riff casting himself as leading Ben to the light of God, before pivoting back to mocking Mila's name and ending with a sarcastic apology to the Airbnb hosts.
6moments
- Tim explains the depths of hatred his ex has for him are like the Mariana Trench, the deepest part of the ocean.
- He's always with God, with love and light and truth and justice, unlike her and the other person who've turned from the church.
- Tim positions himself as someone bathed in Christ's light who opens the gates for others to come to the Lord.
- Mila interrupts to say her name and claim she works hard on her Airbnb.
- He reveals he didn't check Rey's backhouse before they left the Airbnb.
- Tim says they may owe Jonah and Mila an apology because God only knows what Rey did in the backhouse.
MilaRey