Episode 215 · The Ben Avery Era
#215 - Petty Little Pig | The Tim Dillon Show
Aug 30, 2020 · 1:00:57 · 334,000 views · 17 segments, 120 moments indexed
Live from a backyard in Montauk, Tim rants and raves as the wildlife and an annoying hedge fund neighbor cause problems.
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- 3 min
Cold Open: Trashed by the Montauk Airbnb
#Tim opens a video episode complaining about a supposedly luxurious Montauk Airbnb that's actually a working-class dump with wood-bench couches, native American decor put up by a white owner, a lawnmower, and squawking birds ruining the recording.
6moments
- Tim rented a Montauk Airbnb promised as a luxury experience but found it falling short.
- The property features squawking birds and a lawn mower running during his stay, disrupting the recording.
- He describes Montauk as a working-class hell compared to the Hamptons where he'd been visiting family.
- Dan is producing today because Ben is in California, and Luke, who opens for Tim, is also present.
- The living room has no couch, just two wood benches with blankets on them like a methadone clinic.
- The house is decorated with Native American memorabilia by a white owner in what Tim considers poor taste.
- 2 min
Cops Called on the Podcast for Talking About Race
#He describes neighbors calling the police on him, Dan, and Luke for discussing race relations too loudly, and jokes that Kyle Rittenhouse supposedly deleted his Patreon subscription.
5moments
- Tim describes a conversation with Luke and Dan about race relations interrupted by a neighbor calling the police on them.
- A cop arrives at the Airbnb responding to a noise complaint, confused to find no party happening.
- Tim explains he avoided telling the cop what they were actually discussing, preferring to talk about Italian ice instead.
- Tim vents about being forced to discuss gun violence and toddlers because people can't control their behavior.
- Kyle Rittenhouse deleted his Patreon subscription, which Tim finds strange and a bit disappointing.
Kyle Rittenhouserace relations in america
- 2 min
Wasps, Skulls, and the Working-Class Hell of Montauk
#More riffing on the terrible Airbnb decor (a bison skull), longing for quiet wealthy neighbors instead of surfers and fishermen, and a joke reveal that the Rittenhouse Patreon bit was fake.
6moments
- Montauk is a working-class hell full of surfers and fishermen, like a Billy Joel wet dream.
- Tim expects police to arrive at the venue, hopefully not during an ad read.
- An animal skull sits on the table behind them despite promises of a luxurious experience.
- Tim notes 17.8 million Americans are out of work, and they're all stand-up comedians.
- The venue is a surf cottage with a bison skull inside, decorated like a True Detective crime scene.
- The Kyle Rittenhouse gun discussion seemed very hot on Twitter.
- 13 min
Kyle Rittenhouse, Kenosha, and the Logic of Riot Zones
#Tim walks through the Kenosha shooting involving Kyle and his mother, mocks the AR-15/AK-47 debate, and argues that during civil unrest smart people leave rather than march in armed, and questions who really makes up chaotic protest crowds (agitators, feds, bored people).
16moments
- Kyle Rittenhouse went to a protest in Kenosha, Wisconsin with his mother, both armed.
- Tim objects to teenagers running through town squares with weapons, regardless of the rifle type.
- Complaint about a working-class man mowing his own lawn; Tim prefers to direct rage at property owners rather than workers.
- When chaos and riots occur, bored people with access to weapons inevitably show up looking for action.
- With movie theaters closed and no entertainment, people resort to confrontation and violent protest for excitement.
- Tim describes watching video of Rittenhouse being chased, kicked, then shooting; afterward police gave him water and didn't shoot him.
- Tim questions whether audiences want police shooting people as a general rule while simultaneously criticizing police behavior toward Rittenhouse.
- Police behavior at the scene was suspicious: letting Rittenhouse drive himself to the station and appearing celebratory toward him.
- Tim's general advice during civil unrest is to leave town—go to the mountains, desert, or beach instead of entering the conflict.
- Tim claims he wouldn't defend even his own family against rioters and wouldn't travel to confront such a situation.
- The protests lack clear political goals or realistic demands beyond vague slogans like 'eat the rich.'
- Tim argues the protest movement is exploited by anarchists, agitators, and potentially undercover federal agents using COINTELPRO tactics.
- Everyone wearing black at protests is being labeled antifa, but Tim can't identify who these people actually are or what they want.
- Videos of aggressive protesters confronting diners function as Trump campaign ads by making the other side appear to be pure chaos.
- Among the crowd, some are unemployed people looting, some genuinely support the movement, and some are just bored wanting destruction.
- After months without work and a $1200 government check, watching property burn becomes entertainment for some participants.
Kyle RittenhouseBlack Lives MatterJacob BlakeFBIKenosha, WisconsinAntifa
- 4 min
Burn the Airbnb Down (Blaming the Native American Decor Lady)
#He riffs on wanting to torch the Airbnb's appropriated native decor, ties it back to the chaos/looting discussion, and closes with a summary judgment that people should stay away from riot zones and let police and legitimate activists handle it.
10moments
- The Airbnb host appropriated Native American culture and decorated her shitty surf cottage with it.
- Tim observes that some protest groups seem like highly trained coordinated cells working in unison.
- He wonders whether the arsonists are antifa, looters, or undercover federal agents provocateurs.
- A peaceful protest of 100,000 people is powerful; add window-breaking and arson, and public opinion flips.
- Walking into a protest with an AR-15 is probably not a good idea, regardless of circumstances.
- People can become animals very quickly; you don't try to reason with a bear or negotiate in chaos.
- Tim's general rule: stay away when things go haywire and don't show up to defend buildings or gas stations.
- Most burned businesses are insured, and nothing is worth losing your life or freedom over.
- Stopping looting and destruction is the job of police, not armed civilians showing up to intervene.
- Legitimate activists need to constrain movements so they don't become tents for destroyers and robbers, and a lot of the vandals are white in a Black Lives Matter movement.
- 1 min
Tim reads a sponsor spot for Lucy nicotine gum and lozenges, describing flavors and dosage and urging listeners to quit vaping and cigarettes with promo code TIM.
3moments
- Lucy Nicotine is a company founded by Caltech scientists who spent three years developing nicotine gum in three flavors and lozenges with four milligrams of nicotine per piece.
- Quitting cigarettes puts strain on your friends, family, and job, so nicotine replacement helps you perform and be a good person while getting the tar and carcinogens out of your system.
- Vaping is not good—don't dip, don't risk mouth cancer or a hole in your throat.
- 3 min
He promotes Helix's mattress quiz and customization options, then jokes that better sleep might have prevented O.J. Simpson from allegedly killing his wife.
7moments
- Tim says smoking cigarettes was a mistake he'll regret, but nicotine lozenges have actually helped him quit.
- The anxiety of choosing a mattress is real—you never know if a hotel or friend's bed will be good.
- Helix lets you take a quiz and design your own mattress based on firmness, sleep position, and personal preference.
- Bad sleep ruins everything: your thinking, productivity, work, home life, and relationships all suffer.
- Tim took the Helix quiz and was matched with the exact mattress model he wanted.
- The 100-night risk-free trial and 10-year warranty remove all anxiety from buying a mattress.
- If O.J. Simpson had gotten a good night's sleep, he wouldn't have killed his wife—or so Tim's logic goes—though he maintains O.J. is innocent.
Yes or yesHelixlucy.coO.J. Simpson
- 3 min
Filming in NYC Expecting Kenosha, Finding Paradise
#Tim describes filming a video in NYC expecting post-apocalyptic chaos but finding the city calm and pleasant, including a story about FaceTiming his dad while covered in fake blood makeup and getting a nonplussed response.
7moments
- Tim's crew went to film in New York City expecting Kenosha, Wisconsin — imagining they'd be knifed, beaten, or shot on sight.
- They pictured scenes from I Am Legend and zombie disaster movies: boarded storefronts, blood pooling on street corners, a post-apocalyptic hellscape.
- What they actually found was lovely and nice — rents falling, restaurants open, people walking dogs, some viewers recognizing Tim from the show.
- Walking around covered in fake blood and gashes from the video, Tim's own family didn't care he was "bleeding" when he FaceTimed them.
- His dad's boomer response to seeing him bloodied: confusion and light laughter, asking why his face was bleeding and if he was dying.
- Tim loved how beautiful and nice New York was, though he'd never live there again — he just remembers walking past people and the vibe of the city.
- His pitch to young people: move to New York, date, meet people, get stabbed or shot if necessary — it gives you character and a good story.
- 9 min
The Seinfeld vs. Altucher New York Death Match
#He recounts the feud between James Altucher (who wrote 'New York is Dead') and Jerry Seinfeld (who rebutted him), including riffs on Altucher's ownership of Stand Up NY, its bizarre booking practices, and NYT comedy writer Jason Zinoman, ending with his own pitch for a satirical 'let's kill New York' article.
12moments
- James Altucher described as a bootleg Malcolm Gladwell who owns part of Standup New York, one of the worst comedy clubs in the country.
- Tim performed a New Year's Eve show at Standup New York where the owner brought in tables of people eating from large tins, suggesting the venue is a massage front.
- Altucher interrupts shows to give bitcoin seminars between comics, mixing ethereum talks into comedy sets.
- Standup New York's booking situation: they promoted the bartender and dishwashing table-wiper to booker without any qualification.
- New York Times comedy writer Jason Zinnerman still has a job despite the recession, writing glowing pieces about outdoor comedy shows.
- People emerging from four-month COVID isolation want to be in the park with family, not listen to an insecure psychopath yelling about their problems.
- Altucher published an article titled 'New York is Dead and It's Never Coming Back,' deliberately trolling to provoke wealthy figures like Jerry Seinfeld.
- Jerry Seinfeld responded with an article saying New York will be fine, maintaining he has a house in the Hamptons not actually in the city.
- Tim claims to have recently seen Seinfeld in the Hamptons pulling masks off waiters and kissing them while declaring New York is back.
- Seinfeld's New York Times takedown of Altucher used 1935 depression-era insults like calling him a putts and a louse.
- The feud between Altucher and Seinfeld is a tug-of-war between rich guys arguing whether the city will recover, neither of whom actually lives there.
- Tim wants to write a third article called 'New York's Not Dead But Let's Kill It,' outlining reasons to destroy the city as genuine satire.
James AltucherJerry SeinfeldStand Up New YorkMalcolm GladwellNew York CityJason ZinmanMegYes or yes
- 3 min
The Squealing Pig Fable About Unmet Luxury
#Tim spins an extended fable about himself as a spoiled pig who screams when promised luxury isn't delivered, tying it back to leaving a bad Airbnb review over the owner's Klan memorabilia room.
6moments
- Tim paid for luxury and didn't get it, so he squeals like a pig—a petty, vindictive pig that won't stop screaming.
- The pig's relentless squealing drives families mad; parents must explain to their children why the pig demands luxury or burns the world down.
- A pig promised luxury but denied it will watch its own family burn to death without emotion, because the pig deserves creature comforts.
- Tim leaves a brutal AirBnB review claiming the host had KKK memorabilia and a room dedicated to her grandfather's history with the clan.
- The host texted him mid-party asking him not to be 'that guy' with trash and food all over the yard.
- Tim screams into a microphone in every AirBnB backyard for hours as part of his job communicating with the body politic.
- 3 min
Sponsor read for Gabi, a service that compares your current car insurance rate against 40 providers to find savings, with jokes about vehicular homicide and bad driving.
6moments
- Tim has totaled five cars and had multiple suspended licenses.
- He says Gabi customers saved $825 per year on average and he's saving about $700.
- Tim explains you can plug your insurance information into Gabi to see if there's a better rate available.
- He endorses Gabi as a way to know your options without any obligation to switch.
- Tim frames Gabi as part of getting financially in shape heading into an uncertain economic year.
- He jokes that his audience are probably animals driving illegally and maybe killed someone on the Long Island Expressway.
- 2 min
Tim promotes the Ridge Wallet's slim, minimalist design versus his dad's overstuffed wallet, using promo code TIM for a discount.
6moments
- Ridge Wallet is a minimalist metal front-pocket wallet that doesn't bulge or make you a mugging target.
- Tim emphasizes Ridge Wallet comes in titanium and carbon fiber options and is the right wallet for the current situation.
- Ridge Wallet forces you to streamline your life—just cards, maybe a hundred dollars, your lawyer's contact info, and an emergency number.
- Tim's father's wallet was embarrassing, stuffed with business cards from people he couldn't do business with that would fall out everywhere.
- Tim confirms he owns a Ridge Wallet and says it's beautiful, urging listeners to go to ridge.com/tim for 10 percent off.
- A sleek, slender, sexy wallet is important right now for the end of the world.
- 5 min
The Grouper Lady at the American Hotel and Tour Cancellations
#He describes people-watching an intimidating older 'grouper'-faced matriarch at a Sag Harbor restaurant, reflects on the emptiness of elite life, jokes about ending his life on-air during a Magic Spoon ad, and announces Cuomo/Chris Cuomo-related show cancellations and his plan to keep touring.
8moments
- A woman at the American Hotel in Sag Harbor looked like a grouper, dominating her terrified companions from the corner seat.
- Tim suspects the fantasy life of elite finance people is actually very boring, just like his own life with supposedly interesting friends.
- He wants his suicide to be permanently attached to Magic Spoon cereal advertising, forcing them to rebrand completely.
- Governor Cuomo and his brother Chris cancelled Tim's shows and wouldn't allow him to speak in his home state.
- He'll be performing in a parking lot in New Jersey, a representative democracy, after being shut down in New York.
- Tim's getting bored and wants to get back out on the road, even if everything is burning down and he's performing while riots happen.
- Live comedy will happen again, but they want to find a way that's fun, safe, and doesn't ruin the experience.
- He respects Stand-Up New York doing comedy shows in underground pipes, though he admits he hasn't been booked there.
Andrew CuomoChris CuomoMagic SpoonBud DwyerStand Up New YorkStress FactorySag HarborZany's+2 more
- 2 min
S'mores as a Metaphor for Disappointment
#Tim argues that s'mores are conceptually great but practically terrible to eat, comparing the mismatch to broader life disappointments, and briefly recalls a rained-out camping trip with his uncle discussing the JFK assassination.
7moments
- S'mores are disappointing because the concept is good but the actual assembly doesn't work—marshmallow gets too chewy or molten, chocolate won't melt right, graham crackers are bad unless pulverized.
- S'mores ice cream and s'mores pie taste great, but the traditional s'more itself is a failure.
- The s'more is a metaphor for life—the components are good separately, but the intended combination doesn't actually work.
- Tim has never had a perfect s'more and doubts anyone else has either.
- His uncle took him camping as a kid when it rained for two days and talked about the Kennedy assassination, which Tim appreciated.
- Tim's nightmare scenario is camping with people who won't discuss the Kennedy assassination while the sun is out.
- People seeing Tim on a bike would think he just strangled his wife in the backyard and doesn't want to get in the car.
s'moresKennedy assassination
- 3 min
Why a Guy Like Me Should Never Be on a Bike
#He riffs on how riding a bike (which he did for the first time) makes him look like a man who just committed a horrible crime, extending into a bit about a father explaining this to his son at little league.
8moments
- Tim just did something horrible and is on his way to do something horrible.
- Tim has friends who don't realize they're fat, and they don't understand their own condition.
- Friend claims she's fat because she's producing too much cortisol and has Cushing's syndrome or Cuffing syndrome.
- Tim points out they just spent seven minutes talking about a muffin, then she blames a medical syndrome for her weight.
- Do you respect anyone on a bike? Nobody wants to spend time with people on bikes.
- Tim doesn't like guys on skateboards, scooters, or hoverboards unless they're the appropriate age for it.
- Someone saw Tim on a bike and thought he just did something horrible, like he's never going to unsee what he did.
- Dialogue of a parent telling their kid that the man on the bike just did a horrible thing and can't undo it.
bikesCushing's syndrome
- 4 min
The Muffin Conversation and Cushing's Syndrome
#Tim recounts a phone call with a friend who spent seven minutes discussing a favorite muffin before claiming she has Cushing's syndrome (cortisol-driven weight gain) rather than admitting she overeats.
7moments
- Tim describes 2020 as the moment Americans became the online bots and Russian disinformation agents everyone feared.
- The darkness of quarantine has made people want to burn things and topple systems because they can't figure out how to improve their own lives.
- Tim jokes he'd like a few years of selling tickets before society starts burning the planet down.
- Kyle and his mother Rittenhouse are going to the end of the world with guns, and everyone else is too—just experiencing it differently online versus in person.
- Tim's advice: take your foot off the gas, walk away, listen to Jerry Seinfeld and James Altucher debate New York City's future.
- The next few months will be bloody and horrible if people don't stop accelerating toward destruction.
- If you're going to confront what you think is evil, don't take a bike.
- 1 min
Closing Riff: We All Became the Bots, and Don't Bring a Bike to the Apocalypse
#Tim closes with a bleak riff on everyone becoming numb, isolated, rage-filled internet creatures during quarantine, warns that the coming months will be violent, and tells anyone bent on confronting evil not to do it on a bike.