Episode 167 · The Porch Era
#167 - Beach Corpse | The Tim Dillon Show
Sep 29, 2019 · 1:31:54 · 752,000 views · 22 segments, 150 moments indexed
Live from the deck once again, except this time there's a woman thrashing around in the bushes while they record. Tim goes off on Nextdoor racism, the beachbody pyramid scheme, and why he loves funerals.
- 1 min
Cold Open: Timmy the Trashcan
#A short jingle bit voiced as a talking trashcan named Timmy who begs listeners to throw their trash in him instead of on the floor, before the show's musical intro plays.
2moments
- Tim introduces himself as Timmy the Trashcan, a character who loves eating trash like popcorn boxes and candy wrappers.
- The bit ends with a plea for people to put their trash in him instead of on the floor, pivoting to welcoming the audience to the show.
- 1 min
- 4 min
The Screaming Woman Next Door and the N-Word CVS Lady
#A woman is heard screaming slurs somewhere near the property; Tim riffs on whether she's allowed to say what she's saying, speculates she may be the same woman fired after a viral CVS parking lot racist rant, and goes on about not being a snitch.
7moments
- A screaming woman on a nearby property using slurs, possibly a candidate for the show if they can locate her.
- Tim's realization that keto ice creams filled with sugar alcohols like sorbitol destroy your stomach.
- Story of eating sorbet chocolate at Red Mango while working as a tour guide on NYC double-decker buses, then violently needing a bathroom by the 9/11 memorial.
- Had to scream at a Starbucks barista to cut four people in line while a full tour bus heard him yelling outside.
- Tim's approach to discussing 9/11 on the tour bus: delivering it sarcastically so tourists wouldn't think he was unhinged.
- The screaming neighbor has now said the N-word multiple times, potentially the same woman caught in a CVS parking lot incident nearby.
- CVS parking lot woman was fired from her job within an hour and had already had a restraining order from neighbors before the incident.
- 2 min
Next Door App: Racism and Free Furniture
#Tim explains the Nextdoor app as a hub for casual neighborhood racism mixed with people giving away furniture, riffing on posts that combine racist warnings with generous offers like ottomans and kitchen tables.
6moments
- Next Door is designed for people to be racist in their neighborhood
- Woman posts about Black delivery driver using slurs and calling the site a rat website for snitching
- The app is people warning neighbors about minorities—a Mexican with a backpack, for example
- Tim got free couches off Next Door despite its racism
- People mid-racist tirade will offer free furniture—ottoman giveaway warnings about unpredictable Mexicans
- Next Door combines racism with generosity and charity
- 3 min
White Van Paranoia and a Weird DM about Gray State
#Tim recalls Long Island "stranger danger" assemblies and white van paranoia from his childhood, then reads a fan message asking him to "get the word out" about the murdered Gray State filmmaker and Epstein, mocking the pointlessness of the request.
6moments
- Tim describes paranoid people in neighborhoods offering free kitchen tables but insisting on talking about Jews as a condition of pickup
- Growing up, kids were warned constantly about kidnappers and rapists — and it turned out they were right, though not about Tim's circle
- The white van scare on Long Island: a specific paranoia from Tim's childhood about a guy in a white van targeting children
- Tim receives a DM from someone claiming to know about the Gray State filmmaker who was killed, asking him to spread the word
- Tim interrogates the logic: get the word out to whom, and what are they supposed to do about it — especially since the supposed killers are probably the feds
- The word is already out; Epstein was massive news and disappeared anyway, so asking Tim to amplify it further is pointless
Gray StateJeffrey Epstein
- 3 min
More White Van Nostalgia and Opioid Epidemic Riff
#He continues on childhood paranoia about a kidnapper in a white van, then pivots to how the media discusses the opioid epidemic without addressing root causes, all while the screaming neighbor continues in the background.
5moments
- Long Island schools held assemblies warning parents about a pedophile in a white van kidnapping kids, though Tim's parents didn't care if he got abducted.
- Tim describes the paranoia in suburbia: people convinced others are trying to rob their houses to steal $18 in petty cash next to Arby's wrappers.
- Media coverage of the opioid epidemic focuses on sensational images of people injecting heroin into strangers, ignoring structural causes like deindustrialized areas with no jobs.
- A neighbor on Nextdoor is still yelling outside, possibly on drugs, thrashing around in the bushes on the hill.
- Tim refuses to snitch on the neighbor via Nextdoor, saying he doesn't rat on anybody for anything.
opioid epidemicparanoiaNextdoorLong Island
- 1 min
Human Excrement on Nextdoor
#Tim reads a Nextdoor post about someone finding human feces in front of their house and mocks the poster's confusion about whether it's human waste and how to have it removed.
3moments
- Nextdoor top post: someone left human excrement in front of a neighbor's house and he's asking for city services to remove it.
- Tim questions how the guy knows it's human and concludes someone is deliberately putting shit on his property for a reason.
- Tim suggests the neighbor just tell his kids not to step in it instead of playing a guessing game with them.
- 4 min
People Who Love Tragedy, and Why Tim Loves Funerals
#Tim describes his aunt's morbid glee retelling tragic stories at family gatherings, then transitions into an extended riff on how much he genuinely loves funerals — the wake, the burial, the shrimp cocktail afterward — as a space for shallow, low-stakes reconnection.
6moments
- Tim on how meaningless it is that people get excited about photographing a neighbor's dump on their property and bring it to city council.
- His aunt fills with life at the dinner table when recounting tragic stories like a kid who jumped off a bridge and became paralyzed.
- The aunt loves bringing up tragedies like a kid who took Xanax, drank, fell down the stairs and died three doors over.
- Tim admits he really enjoys funerals and doesn't often talk about it because people might take it the wrong way.
- He loves the wake, burial, drive to the funeral, and seeing people you haven't seen in a while in a space where you don't have to keep up.
- At funerals, Tim likes to cry, be sad, think about his own mortality, and feel bad for people who lost loved ones.
- 3 min
Remembering Carl Ruiz
#Tim eulogizes chef Carl Ruiz, recounting how comedians loved him, sharing a hilarious "human garbage pelicans" text message Ruiz sent him, and expressing regret he never got him on the podcast before he died.
7moments
- In the Northeast, funerals were social events where people would eat and relax together, unlike LA's silent retreats and yoga.
- Carl Ruiz, a chef and food personality, passed away at 44 and was funnier than most comedians.
- Carl opened La Cubana restaurant in New York and was beloved by comics like Sherrod Small, Opie and Anthony, and Vic Diaz.
- Carl texted Tim a photo with the caption 'This is what follows you when you are a food celebrity: human garbage pelicans,' showing two women in birthday hats.
- Carl invited Tim to visit his restaurant in New York and they discussed getting him on the podcast.
- Opie posted a video of Carl's apartment or hotel room in Manhattan with stacks of cash on the table, which Carl explained by saying he was "a walking felony."
- Tim wishes Carl was still alive and lived forever, calling him a vandal and emphasizing what he meant to the community.
Paul RuizGuy FieriSherrod SmallOpie and Anthony
- 7 min
Funeral Etiquette and Offering to Attend Yours
#Tim continues the funeral theme, recounting a friend's father's wake, a friend's mother who fought cancer, his grandmother's fire-and-brimstone priest, his grandfather's bagpipe funeral, and formally offers to attend any listener's funeral, wake, and burial.
10moments
- Tim's friend's father died in his early 60s, but the funeral itself was unexpectedly nice—an autumn day, hymns, black suits, and a sit-down dinner.
- The meatballs at the after-dinner reception were so good Tim jokes he'd kill the deceased's mother himself.
- Michael's mother fought cancer for a long time, lived meaningfully by helping others, and accomplished more in her life than Tim or his clown friends ever will.
- The reception had Italian food, quesadillas, and wings, and Tim found himself having one of the best times of his life sitting with strangers.
- Tim offers to attend anyone's funeral who wants him there, as long as it doesn't feel weird—he doesn't need to know the person well to appreciate their life.
- Tim establishes his position: funerals are beautiful when someone over 60 dies, but deaths in someone's 20s or 30s are genuinely rough.
- His grandmother's funeral featured a priest delivering hellfire and brimstone, saying Dorothy had been preparing for this moment for decades.
- Grandfather's funeral had beautiful bagpipes—an Irish funeral where everybody came and got drunk, which is much better than weddings, baptisms, or christenings.
- After leaving a burial, driving out with the sun shining, stopping at 7-Eleven for a Snapple—that's when you appreciate being alive.
- Tim would attend one funeral a month if he could; he commits to doing the whole thing—wake, burial the next day, and whatever dinner or lunch follows.
- 2 min
Nextdoor: Mystery Cop Cars Post and App Mechanics
#Tim mocks a poorly-typed Nextdoor post asking about "cop cars" near the screaming woman, then explains how Nextdoor requires your real name and address to be as racist as you want.
5moments
- A Nextdoor post titled 'cop cars' ends with an 'L' — just 'copcarsl' — and Tim can't figure out what the woman meant to type.
- The poster, Sherry, asks what's going on 'on los la s' — a string of gibberish Tim marvels at, wondering if she's drunk or mid-seizure.
- Tim learns Nextdoor requires you to register your name and address, essentially trading anonymity for the freedom to be racist.
- Someone posts 'Personal injury attorney — asking for a friend — can anyone recommend a bulldog personal injury attorney in the LA area.'
- People on social media crowdsource everything in their lives, asking their networks for book recommendations when they could want suggestions any less.
Nextdoorpyramid schemes
- 5 min
Crowdsourcing Everything: Realtors, Honeymoons, and Making Friends Feel Poor
#Tim riffs on people crowdsourcing life decisions on Facebook (books, honeymoons, Disney hotels) instead of using Google or Yelp, and describes his trick of recommending realtors and restaurants slightly out of people's price range to embarrass them.
7moments
- Facebook users crowdsource everything, even nine-month-ahead Disney World hotel planning instead of just watching YouTube reviews.
- Tim describes how people crowdsource their entire honeymoon destination as if they have no preferences of their own.
- When friends ask for realtor recommendations, Tim finds the wealthiest area in their destination and recommends a luxury estates agent to make them feel poor.
- His strategy: recommend restaurants, realtors, or anything slightly out of someone's league, then innocently say sorry when they realize they can't afford it.
- Restaurant crowdsourcing on Facebook leads to pointless hundred-comment arguments about Peter Luger's versus Quality Meats instead of people just trying both or eating.
- The absurdity of spending money on expensive restaurant dinners instead of medicine or water during hard times.
- He wants to make false reports on Nextdoor about groups of men with tiki torches without any actual evidence, just to stir up panic.
FacebookNextdoorYouTubeYelpDisney WorldPeter Luger'sHarry PotterBeverly Hills+2 more
- 2 min
Noseeums and Trolling Nextdoor
#Tim reads a post about someone asking how to get rid of "noseeums" bugs and jokingly suggests trolling by claiming the bugs are attracted to the blood of pedophiles.
3moments
- Nextdoor post about noseeums: someone asking how to get rid of these tiny bugs driving them crazy.
- Tim proposes trolling the Nextdoor thread by posting absurd responses about noseeums.
- Tim suggests posting that noseeums are attracted to pedophiles' blood as a troll message.
BetterHelpnoseeums
- 10 min
Tim reads the BetterHelp sponsorship, riffing about masturbating during therapy calls, whether the service is a scam, the NSA harvesting your confessions, and a tangent about seeing a friend's penis in middle school.
11moments
- BetterHelp is a service where you call a stranger and tell them your problems, possibly while masturbating on the phone.
- BetterHelp is better than nothing — like stopping at a rest stop when you're starving.
- Tim admits he's being paid to say this stuff and might be steering people wrong.
- The questionnaire asks about sexuality, which Tim found confusing — he saw a penis in a locker room and realized that guy would have a better life.
- BetterHelp counselors will talk you off the ledge, though the NSA will probably share everything you say with the feds.
- Tim claims he only advertises products if they're scams, and he's unsure if BetterHelp qualifies as one.
- He's conflicted about pushing BetterHelp — it's not heroin or predatory mortgages, just counseling.
- Tim's sister posted on social media defending Beachbody as not a pyramid scheme, which he dismisses as clearly a multi-level marketing operation.
- Getting fit with a group of friends is pointless — the group of friends is why you're fat in the first place.
- Tim saw people in suits walking to an arena in Spokane and realized it was an Amway spinoff cult called Worldwide Dream Builders.
- Beachbody's website defense of not being a pyramid scheme is badly written and amazing in its inadequacy.
- 14 min
Beachbody/Shakeology Deep Dive: "We're Not a Pyramid Scheme"
#Tim does an extended bit reading Beachbody's official FAQ defending itself against pyramid scheme accusations, mocking their coach testimonials about depressed and postpartum women being recruited to sell Shakeology, and offering to become a Beachbody coach himself for money.
16moments
- Beachbody's Wikipedia definition of pyramid scheme matches their own business model.
- The company addresses pyramid scheme accusations on their own website as a frequently asked question.
- Beachbody claims coaches make money from product sales and hard work, not recruiting fees.
- Tim on how people actually respond when you lose weight—they don't want a detailed explanation, just a one-word answer.
- Tim performs someone describing Shakeology after being asked about weight loss, complete with credentialing the company.
- Signup cost is forty dollars upfront plus fifteen dollars ninety-five cents monthly to be a coach.
- Coach story pivots from depression recovery to deciding to "rob others" through the pyramid scheme.
- Woman with a master's degree couldn't find teaching work, so she sells fitness shakes instead.
- Tim on Shakeology: he'd rather stab himself in the throat than say the word with a straight face.
- Tim's own story of buying a subprime mortgage on a coked-up recommendation from a friend predicting developer profits.
- Beachbody targets people with postpartum depression and suicidal ideation in their marketing testimonials.
- Hilary Kelley's story of using Facebook to share her experience with Shakeology to friends.
- Tim on husbands telling depressed wives to start a multi-level marketing scheme instead of seeing a doctor or therapist.
- The Beachbody Coach network has over 400,000 members, creating a community so no one feels alone.
- Coaches are described as "products of the product"—a marketing line Tim finds absurd.
- Tim closes by saying he'll do anything Beachbody asks if they pay him enough money.
BeachbodyShakeologymulti-level marketing
- 12 min
A rambling Monday.com sponsor read spirals into mocking hustle culture, Gary Vaynerchuk worship, and a dark fictional bit about finding a Gary Vee quote on a dead car accident victim's phone.
12moments
- Tim describes his weight loss journey after seeing a less-fat friend in an online nutrition community.
- Keto doesn't work forever; eventually you'll crave bread, even if you don't actually like it.
- Monday.com pitch: Are you a killer, crusher, hustler, and winner, or are you just an illusion?
- Tim wakes up and loves Monday because everyone else has to go to work and earn it; he hates Saturday, loser day.
- Monday.com eliminates excuses about missed emails, meetings, and documents—no Doreen throwing you under the bus.
- Tim reveals he was overweight, a drug addict, and disorganized for years, but is now sober for eight years.
- He quit drinking gin and doing cocaine after work because Monday.com allowed him to be efficient and go home to do push-ups and read the Bible instead.
- Gary Vaynerchuk changed Tim's life by selling stuff to retards and making millions doing it.
- Tim found a dead woman on the 405 highway with Gary Vee quotes on her phone—one about kindness being delicious.
- If Gary Vaynerchuk showed up at Bernie Sanders town halls with people crying about medical debt, he'd tell them they're just making excuses and lacking growth plans.
- Use Gary Vaynerchuk's head as a battering ram to get into the White House and burn it down, then start over with a country not run by satanic pedophiles.
- Organization via Monday.com is the first step toward rebuilding society correctly.
Gary VaynerchukMonday.comDomino'sPapa John'sHome DepotShakeology
- 9 min
The Bread-Off with Ben
#Inspired by Brendan Schaub and Theo Von's cheese-off, Tim and Ben have a competitive back-and-forth naming every type of bread they can think of, complete with tangents about Subway's bread smell.
13moments
- Brendan Schaub and Theo Von did a cheese off on their podcast, repeating themselves after three items.
- Tim proposes a bread-off with Ben instead of cheese.
- Ben starts with rye, wheat, and pumpernickel—basic breads to knock Tim out fast.
- Tim responds with brioche, sourdough, challah, and Ezekiel bread.
- Dispute over whether ciabatta counts when Ben hasn't looked it up and could be making breads up.
- Tim says garlic knots, then accuses Ben of naming things made of bread rather than actual breads.
- Ben introduces raisin bread and cinnamon raisin as his contributions.
- Tim counters with marbled rye, noting it's a distinctly different bread from the Seinfeld episode.
- Tangent on why Subway's bread smells like a sneaker left in the rain.
- Ben says Italian bread, which Tim accepts and declares himself the loser.
- Tim offers semolina bread and potato bread while questioning why Schaub and Von make millions doing this.
- Late-game entries include peasant bread, unleavened bread, and cloud bread before they abandon the format.
- Tim argues cheese is so much better than bread because there are far more varieties.
- 2 min
Cheese Rapid-Fire and Contempt for the Audience
#After a quick rapid-fire cheese-naming round, Tim jokingly declares he should stop entertaining the audience and just do boring filler content since apparently that's what people want.
5moments
- Tim argues the show isn't big enough because he doesn't have enough contempt for the audience.
- Tim wants to go on King and Sting and change the fact that they don't have guests.
- Your Mom's House canceled him twice due to scheduling conflicts and has had 97 people on since.
- Tim pivots into a Shakeology parody ad targeting people with postpartum depression considering suicide.
- The product is explicitly not for people who want to live and enjoy life.
Your Mom's HouseShakeologyKing and Sting
- 1 min
Your Mom's House Snub and Tour Bus Show Indecision
#Tim explains getting bumped from an appearance on Your Mom's House due to travel issues, and muses about whether to do another double-decker tour bus comedy show around Manhattan.
3moments
- Tim uncertain about doing a double-decker tour bus show around Manhattan in November, still deciding whether to commit.
- Tim weighs whether to do the bus show later in the month, citing the logistical burden of bus rental, weather, insurance, and cost.
- Despite the hassle, he admits he almost wants to do it one more time as a farewell.
- 3 min
Tim runs through his upcoming live tour dates across multiple cities including Tampa, Fort Worth, Burlington, Bridgeport, Providence, Timonium, Chicago, Bloomington, Phoenix, Edmonton, and a big five-show run at Caroline's in New York City.
9moments
- Tim is still deciding whether to do a tour experience that people have asked him about, calling it unique and cool.
- Announces live dates at Side Splitters in Tampa (October 17), Hyenas in Fort Worth (November 14-16), and Vermont Comedy Club (November 21-23).
- Tim expresses enthusiasm about going to Vermont specifically to drink maple syrup, though he admits corn syrup is actually better.
- Lists additional tour stops: Stress Factory Bridgeport (December 5-7), Comedy Connection Providence (December 13-14), and McGooby's in Timonium, Maryland (January 9-11).
- McGooby's is in a town that's basically a rest stop that became a town, but he loves the venue and mentions having a crab cake there.
- Continues announcing: House of Comedy in Bloomington, Minnesota (April 9-11), Comic Strip in Phoenix, Arizona (May 7-9), and Comic Strip Edmonton (June 18-20).
- Announces the big show: headlining Caroline's Comedy Club in New York City March 12-14, five shows total, with great opening acts and guest spots planned.
- All dates are available on Instagram and TimDillonComedy.com with links to ticket pages.
- Tim has 45 minutes of new material and notes that his onstage talk covers all kinds of subjects beyond prepared material.
- 2 min
Network Notes and the Billie Eilish Bohemian Grove Joke
#Tim complains about his representatives rejecting submission tapes for being too conspiratorial (Illuminati, Jimmy Fallon chained to his desk) and does a bit imagining Billie Eilish's leg brace being from Bohemian Grove.
6moments
- Tim's representatives object to him riffing about the Illuminati for ten minutes, even though the audience is laughing.
- One submitted tape had Tim saying carpool karaoke would only be funny if the participants get into an accident—rejected.
- Network notes objected to Tim saying Jimmy Fallon was chained to his desk, which Tim questions as an inaccurate description of late-night TV.
- Tim wonders if Billie Eilish's leg brace came from an incident at Bohemian Grove.
- Tim questions why he should protect anyone's reputation when he's not being taken care of, saying he'd demand Billie Eilish buy him lunch.
- Tim describes hawking CBD while asking Billie Eilish to explain why she's good and what makes this worthwhile.
- 3 min
Tim closes by promoting the Patreon tiers and future guest interviews, praising comedians like Joe Kwaczalla, Megan Stalter, and Conor O'Malley, and defending Shane Gillis against public backlash before signing off with a final Shakeology jab.
7moments
- Tim announces Patreon plans: $5 monthly tier with guest interviews, $20 Rothschild member tier with longer video versions.
- Tim explains he's not waiting for verified accounts to share videos, suggests creating alt accounts if needed.
- Few comedians are doing the type of comedy sketches Tim's producing, though he suspects others may be afraid of rubbing people the wrong way.
- Jokquisella, Megan Stalter, and Conor O'Malley do funny sketches; Tim respects their work regardless of whether they dislike him.
- Tim defends Shane Gillis against being publicly roasted despite suspecting other comedians may view him negatively for that position.
- Tangent about his uncle's cheese place in Ridgewood, New Jersey with a great fish and cheese spread.
- Tim compares SNL unfavorably to his uncle's fish and cheese spread, says he doesn't care what people believe in private.
Shane GillisDavid DukeMegan StalterCoco DiazConor O'MalleyJoell Quin