Episode 164 · The Porch Era
Classic tier — a personal pick, not a popularity ranking164 - Life In The Big City
Sep 8, 2019 · 1:26:29 · 1,200,000 views · 19 segments, 131 moments indexed
Tim talks about loveless couple's Instagram vacations, Meghan McCain, the future of Tim's comedy career, and a very wise man from his past.
- 1 min
Tim explains the benefits of subscribing to the Patreon: weekly episodes, two years of audio archives, longer video versions, and the ability to suggest topics.
2moments
- Tim introduces the segment and pitches the Patreon for weekly episodes, audio archives, longer video versions, and fan interaction.
- He repeats the Patreon URL and describes it as a way to support and contribute to the show.
- 1 min
Opening music plays with applause before the show properly begins.
1moment
- Opening bit about throwing trash on the floor and asking people to be considerate of fellow patrons
- 2 min
Megan McCain's Gun Buyback Diatribe
#Tim reacts to Megan McCain's rant against a gun buyback program, calling her a rich, undeserving nepo-baby pundit, and recounts making a mocking video where he dressed as her in a Lane Bryant blazer.
5moments
- Megan McCain went on a diatribe about gun buyback programs, predicting violence but delivering it in her typical style that makes you hate her regardless.
- Tim's sources describe Megan McCain as a monster—a rich person who got a high-profile job without earning it, with no real knowledge of world or domestic issues.
- She's like his rich aunt with a national platform and millions of dollars to say whatever comes to mind.
- Megan is the legacy of John McCain, whom conservatives only embraced after he died and revealed his brain tumor—they didn't care about him before that.
- Tim made a video mocking Megan today, the first one since the original, and went to Lane Bryant to get the white blazer look for $31.
- 3 min
Two Types of Fat Guy
#Tim riffs on plus-size men's fashion options and describes the two archetypes of fat guy he's known: a tailored, successful lawyer versus a shabby fat uncle who fell asleep in a limo on the way to a strip club.
6moments
- There are only two types of fat guy in the minds of clothing designers: insanely successful like DJ Khaled, or quasi-homeless living with his brother.
- Tim knew a 450-pound lawyer who always looked great in tailored suits and custom pinstripes.
- He also knew his friend's uncle, a fat mess who crashed a high school party, got in a strip club limo talking about losing weight and goals.
- By the time they got to the strip club, the uncle was asleep; a dancer had to wake him up.
- Tim's friend looked at him and said 'that's sad,' which is why Tim is trying to rein it in and not become that guy who passes out at strip clubs.
- Fat women are doing great with options like Liz and Lane Bryant and representation in popular culture.
- 2 min
Trans for a Day: The Megan McCain Video Shoot
#Tim describes going full drag as Megan McCain, dealing with cheap makeup burning his face, and getting frustrated that the video only got 30,000 views despite people constantly complaining about her online.
5moments
- Tim tries on clothes at Lane Bryant; saleswomen don't question that he's a man shopping in a women's store.
- He applies cheap Target makeup that burns his skin, requiring days of scrubbing to remove from his pores.
- The Megan McCain video gets 30,000 views on Twitter—essentially nothing—despite Tim dressing as trans for it.
- Twitter users who tweet about Megan McCain constantly won't retweet Tim's video, possibly because it's too vulgar.
- Tim thinks McCain's gun defense—claiming the AK-47 is like prom king—is objectively funny regardless of politics.
- 12 min
Guns, Surveillance, and Government Overreach
#A long rant arguing that gun ownership hasn't stopped government overreach (mass surveillance, indefinite detention, torture, Boston bombing coverage, FBI-orchestrated terror plots), and that Americans who own guns never actually resist tyranny in practice.
10moments
- Tim argues he's pro-gun to an extent but questions how many mass shootings it would take to change gun advocates' positions.
- Government overreach is already happening—spying, suspending habeas corpus, torturing detainees, murdering journalists—yet gun owners claim disarmament would make it worse.
- Americans imagine themselves as freedom fighters demanding accountability with their weapons, but Hong Kong protesters without guns show more resistance than armed Americans.
- Tim expresses willingness to be wrong and engages with libertarian arguments for private roads and dismantling government.
- Private institutions already exist in America—gated communities, private schools, private firefighters in Malibu—so libertarian ideals are already partially implemented.
- People dismiss privacy concerns by claiming they have nothing to hide, but the point is government shouldn't have unchecked surveillance power regardless.
- The definition of enemy combatant is vague: if the government bombs your country and you're not grateful, you become a target for torture.
- FBI gives guns and bombs to mentally unstable individuals, manufactures terrorist cases, then jails them and threatens torture.
- Boston Marathon bombing trial was covered with special administrative measures restricting media access, unlike the sensationalized coverage it could have received.
- The argument that gun owners are resisting a tyrannical government as modern militiamen isn't supported by facts—government overreach is already widespread and unchecked.
- 1 min
The Bachelor and the NYPD Shirt
#Tim briefly jokes about The Bachelor before noting he's wearing an NYPD shirt from an Epstein security guard sketch.
2moments
- Tim dismisses The Bachelor as a show about watching an empty suit pick gold-diggers.
- He wears a new NYPD shirt from a sketch where he played Jeffrey Epstein's security guards, joking that it supports the police state.
- 3 min
A Wix.com website-building ad that drifts into jokes about promoting a wedding photography business, talking to interdimensional reptiles, and being a 'raccoon' just starting out in business.
4moments
- Tim argues everyone needs a website, even someone with no business aspirations living in a trailer in Oklahoma.
- On your own website you can say whatever you want—harass anyone, promote the Rothschilds, or discuss reptilians with no platform restrictions.
- He'd happily hire a wedding photographer who also discusses interdimensional reptiles on their Wix site.
- Tim compares small business owners to animals—field cats, squirrels, raccoons—scrounging for scraps, with potential to become apex predators feasting in Tanzania someday.
WixThe RothschildsTanzania
- 2 min
Tim continues the Wix pitch, joking about his mother, a paranoid schizophrenic in a mental institution, running her own janky Wix website selling beanie babies.
4moments
- Tim describes inheriting $3,600 from a dead great-aunt who smelled weird and needing to stretch it until you become famous and rich.
- His mother, a paranoid schizophrenic living in a mental institution, has an amazing Wix website.
- She publishes links that don't go anywhere and runs an online store selling chewed-up beanie babies with ranch dressing.
- Tim's pitch: if his mother can make a Wix site work, so can you.
- 8 min
Dennis and 'Life in the Big City'
#An extended story about Dennis, a Vietnam vet who rented a room from Tim's mother, lost everything after his divorce, lived in a van, and had a signature nihilistic catchphrase ('life in the big city') for every disaster, including guns kept to shoot his friend's murderous son.
11moments
- Tim's mother rented rooms to drug dealers on Long Island, except for Dennis, an older Vietnam vet who barely had money and lived with contempt for the world.
- Dennis quit his job and moved into a van by the beach to avoid paying alimony after his divorce.
- Dennis ended up drinking wine from a Burger King cup with ice, smoking Marlboros, and nursing bitterness about his life.
- Dennis's catchphrase was 'life in the big city'—a dismissal he'd repeat whenever his situation got worse, from his kids refusing to see him to drug raids in the house.
- Dennis had ugly sayings Tim won't repeat, evidence of a man who'd lost everything and had nothing left to preserve.
- Dennis died clutching his chest on a fishing boat in his early sixties, exactly how he should have gone.
- Dennis kept guns under his bed in case someone broke in, though he'd likely be too drunk to use them effectively.
- After Tim's mother lost her house, Dennis moved into her van, parking it in his grandmother's driveway and giving life advice from there.
- Dennis moved in with another man whose son kept getting out of jail every three years and trying to kill both his father and Dennis.
- When that violent son got out again, Dennis said he'd kill him preemptively—a practical use of guns against neighbors, not tyranny.
- Tim notes Dennis wasn't defending against government overreach; he just wanted to shoot his roommate's homicidal son before the son could attack.
- 9 min
Mass Shootings, Poverty, and Fake Self-Care
#Tim argues mass shootings have become mundane background noise in a country ignoring poverty and mental health, mocks fake self-care culture and people who deny the country's problems while going about their comfortable routines.
18moments
- People use guns for different reasons, some good and some bad, but they're also used to walk into markets and schools to shoot people.
- Mental illness is widespread and not being cared for; fake self-care like buying candles doesn't help people working three jobs to feed themselves.
- Self-care doesn't exist when you're working constantly to survive and one car accident away from bankruptcy and homelessness.
- Americans are competing on game shows for insulin while pretending it's a privilege; people are being pushed to the brink.
- China uses suicide nets at Foxconn factories to catch workers who try to kill themselves, then sends them back to work.
- If you handed guns to people in those conditions, there would be serious problems.
- Central bankers are preparing for the collapse of the dollar by creating a new cryptocurrency that serves their interests better.
- When you try to tell people about economic collapse and doomsday signs, they respond that you're complicit and need to stop being negative.
- Tim mentions people living in tents, and a friend responds that Hoovervilles have always existed, so current conditions are fine.
- People handle mass shootings the same way they handle other problems: by being grateful they personally haven't been shot yet.
- Mass shootings make you appreciate life more when you realize you're still alive and don't have bullets in you.
- Tim sneaks economic problems into dinner conversation by mentioning half of American children live in poverty while discussing prawn sauces.
- People tell Tim to stop ruining things and that he's doing fine, even though most people are one car accident away from bankruptcy.
- Everyone's living like Mario jumping over obstacles: layoffs, rare blood cancers, small inheritances just keeping them barely ahead.
- Tim wants to find a love so all-encompassing that even during a mass shooting with bullets flying, it wouldn't matter.
- Tim describes being on a honeymoon in the Amazon while indigenous people's homes are burning and they're screaming, but you're too far away to hear it clearly.
- Tim's new content strategy involves defecating in different places and flinging his own feces at people instead of doing satirical videos.
- The plan is to start dancing and hurling feces in the air across various locations as the new form of entertainment.
Zero HedgeFoxconnApple FactoryDennisAmazon rainforest
- 1 min
American Ninja Warrior in the Water Pitch
#Tim jokes about being asked to host a new water-based American Ninja Warrior and fantasizes about a twisted competition show involving insulin shots.
2moments
- Tim pitches American Ninja Warrior but in the water.
- Claims people will defend giving a contestant an insulin shot as fair and square competition.
- 10 min
A long BetterHelp ad built around fake abusive/absurd therapy call sketches with characters named Marlene, Frank, Kirsten/Kat, and Carl, escalating into dark jokes about pegging, garbage disposals, and a predator seeking advice.
11moments
- Tim's disclaimer about BetterHelp: no problem if people want to masturbate on the line.
- Bit concept: a combative therapist who accuses every patient of being a Nazi, no matter what they call about.
- Prank call #1 to BetterHelp—Tim calls in complaining about anxiety, gets insulted by 'Marlene' who only calls him fat.
- Tim wraps the first sketch, reassuring that feeling shitty goes away if you call BetterHelp.
- Prank call #2—caller about a breakup gets vague non-advice from Frank, who then mentions DNA and suggests getting a horse.
- Prank call #3—caller with sexual confusion gets a BetterHelp counselor named Kirsten who suggests his wife use a strap-on.
- Caller escalates into increasingly extreme fetish details—garbage disposal and sideways positioning—which Kirsten affirms enthusiastically.
- Prank call #4—Carl, an excommunicated deacon caught with a young girl, calls BetterHelp seeking help with violent thoughts.
- The BetterHelp counselor in the final sketch asks Carl for filmed evidence, audio, and photographs of the alleged abuse.
- Sketch ends with the counselor propositioning Carl: 'scratch your back, you scratch mine,' before asking for the girl's address.
- Final call-out to BetterHelp with disclaimer that 'it's not that bad.'
- 9 min
Extravagant Vacations and Dying Marriages
#Tim mocks couples who take elaborate honeymoon vacations (glass igloos, ziplining, volcano villas) to avoid actually talking to each other, ranting about colonized natural wonders and a fantasy deaf-mute companion.
11moments
- Tim dismisses extravagant vacations—glass igloos in Iceland and extreme resorts—as signs that couples don't actually love each other.
- Young couples in real love need nothing but a churro and a ferris wheel; the escalating vacation budget is an attempt to reignite a dying flame.
- Tim predicts the most extravagant vacation a couple takes will be the one where one kills the other in their sleep.
- Staying at a mountain summit requires constant excursions and planned activities because sitting on a beach together risks actual conversation and the marriage falling apart.
- Couples can't spend unscheduled time together unless they're being beaten, injected, and smacked with seaweed at luxury spas.
- Tim admits he wants a five-star hotel chain to colonize whatever natural beauty remains on Earth and sell it to him and his deaf-mute companion.
- The fantasy vacation: staying in an igloo villa for $2,500 a night where a tortured elephant feeds you apples with its trunk.
- You can't just sit at Joshua Tree looking at stars; Instagram vacations have to be absurdly colonized so they shock people into thinking 'I didn't even know you could do that.'
- Young professionals only talk about vacations at brunch because their jobs are fake, evil, or too complex to explain—nobody wants to hear about LinkedIn for human traffickers.
- Traveling is overrated; the earth is dead, nothing looks like anything, and people hiking California's sunburned desert are just seeing mountain lions and rattlesnakes.
- Real travel means going to war-torn countries and sacrifice zones where you fear for your safety, otherwise you learn nothing.
IcelandFour SeasonsCaliforniaJoshua TreeInstagramFlint, MichiganNew Orleans
- 8 min
Learning Through 'Extreme' Vacations: Yemen, Flint, and the Cruise Ship
#Tim satirizes people who claim vacations teach them about the world, contrasting fake learning experiences with the real poverty of Yemen and Flint Michigan, then tells a story about the Impractical Jokers cruise stop in Costa Maya, Mexico.
12moments
- Tim proposes extreme vacations to dangerous places like Yemen and Flint, Michigan as honeymoon destinations instead of resorts.
- Traveling to Yemen reveals children with visible ribcages from starvation caused by Saudi genocide funded by U.S. weapons.
- Tim describes going to Flint, Michigan with Cliff for a honeymoon where the tap water looked like human shed.
- The Impractical Jokers cruise was packed with morbidly obese people on scooters that cruise staff called 'letting them out of the pen.'
- Costa Maya Mexico is a fake town bought by Carnival Cruise Lines where locals were forced to either work or be poisoned.
- Three minutes outside the fake cruise town, real Mexicans were running barefoot trying to strangle chickens for dinner while living in huts.
- Michelle, a middle-aged white woman on the trip, started screaming at a taxi driver with the wrath of someone who's never heard the word no.
- A cruise ship pulling into port with 60 chefs throws away food while the town has one witch doctor doing bloodletting with leeches.
- People should stop pretending vacations are about learning—they just want to get drunk somewhere warm.
- Tim suggests creating a gun lovers cruise where people shoot their guns into the Atlantic Ocean for fun.
- Vacations should be about excess and being a pig, not travel tours or moving somewhere to pretend you're learning.
- Moving to Spain or taking a walking tour of Madrid teaches nothing—Europeans just drink and lay around all day without caring.
Saudi ArabiaCarnival Cruise LinesImpractical Jokers cruiseAssyriaFlint, MichiganYemenLibyaNRA+3 more
- 5 min
A Monday.com ad that turns into a rant about bosses disciplining incompetent employees and dressing them down in the office, framed as a benefit of using the project management tool.
10moments
- Most employees are brain dead slackers, losers, and parasites who lack the divine inspiration for success that you have.
- Tim on the problem Monday.com solves: coworkers who never respond to requests and important tasks getting lost in email.
- People you work with won't put in the time, energy, or effort—they'll have bad attitudes and make you regret seeing them.
- The best part of being a boss is making your employees' lives hell when they screw up.
- Tim describes the manager power move: shut the door, sit them down with coffee, and demand to know if they're a loser or a winner like Gary Vaynerchuk.
- When an employee claims they never got the email, pull it up on Monday.com—that proves they're a loser.
- Nobody in the office wants to hear about your weekend sangria, dancing, and ribeye steak on Monday morning.
- Tim pitches his trustworthiness: he's a businessman, a leader, a strategist, and a confidant who has never stolen from listeners.
- Monday.com ensures emails don't get lost, meeting notices stay organized, and everyone shows up on the conference call.
- Tim closes with final emphasis: use this thing, Monday.com, to manage your dysfunctional team.
- 8 min
Nothing Will Happen With Epstein
#Tim delivers a bleak monologue arguing nothing will come of the Epstein case, comparing life to a predetermined amusement park ride, predicting societal decline, dumber media, deep fakes, and elite depravity, tying back to Dennis's 'life in the big city' resignation.
11moments
- Nothing will happen with the Epstein thing—it's a story people are obsessed with but the outcome is predetermined.
- Tim argues that people who have never paid attention to anything think this is surprising; ignorance is actually the winning strategy.
- We're not the protagonists—we're on a predetermined ride at Disney World, and the loops aren't going to surprise us.
- You need to be on psychedelics to have conversations with people at this point, because nobody pays attention and gets blindsided.
- The reward for winning is not paying attention, closing the book, going to bed—ignore the rabbit holes because they never end.
- Tim describes the endgame: the dollar collapses, America loses power, criminals get brazenly worse, the population gets dumber watching jiggling asses.
- Everything's a Marvel movie where we expect a superhero to save the day, but there are no superheroes coming.
- What actually happens is you get old, bored, sit in a chair drinking cheap wine from a Burger King cup staring at flames saying 'life in the big city.'
- The art, movies, and music will get dumber—soon they'll be filming real snuff films with actual deaths, calling the torture videos deep fakes.
- Tim says his message of hope is to pay attention, though people who paid too much attention are dead now, so do it at your own risk.
- Final survival advice: fill a Burger King cup with cheap wine and ice, stare at the fire, and respond to anyone questioning reality with 'life in the big city.'
Ghislaine MaxwellBill Clintonloaded Paul
- 2 min
A brief, loosely connected Casper mattress mention leads into Tim comparing himself to a plague-era bellman calling 'bring out your dead' for zombie-like Adderall vacationers.
3moments
- Tim pitches Casper mattress as a sponsor and notes he's more upbeat performing live.
- His entire bit is just walking around saying "bring out your dead" like the plague guy with the bell.
- Modern dead aren't plague victims—they're Adderall zombies who want vacations instead of actual rest.
CasperTim Dylan comedy dot-com
- 1 min
Closing: Best Case Alien Apocalypse
#Tim signs off with a sarcastic message of hope, concluding that the best possible future is an alien race destroying and enslaving humanity so everyone can start over.
3moments
- Tim promises to entertain aliens with a nice dance if they show up.
- Tim rejects the negativity peddlers and claims to believe in a bright future for civilization.
- Best case scenario: an alien race destroys humanity, enslaves the survivors, and lets everyone start fresh.