Episode 508
Overboard in Iran, Savannah Guthrie, & ICE Electric Gloves | The Tim Dillon Show #508
Aug 15, 2026 · 1:06:30 · 622,000 views · 15 segments, 94 moments indexed
Tim discusses American sailors on the USS Abraham Lincoln in Iran jumping overboard, Savannah Guthrie interviewing Chrissy Metz about taking weight loss drugs, ICE using electric gloves, the fallout from Taco Bell’s contaminated lettuce…
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- 1 min
Cold Open: Hemorrhoid Update
#Tim opens describing a hemorrhoid from driving between Long Island and Manhattan and the foam his doctor prescribed, joking about ad placement.
2moments
- Tim opens with an update on a large hemorrhoid from driving between Long Island and Manhattan.
- His doctor prescribed foam to shrink it and ease the pain, which he notes would be a perfect spot for an ad.
- 5 min
Tim reads a news story about multiple sailors on the USS Abraham Lincoln attempting to jump overboard due to overextended deployment, reacting with dark jokes about the military, mental health, the Navy's denial, food shortages, and side-tangents on podcast earnings and Mel Robbins.
10moments
- Multiple US soldiers on the USS Abraham Lincoln have attempted to jump overboard due to overextended deployment.
- Tim questions what the military thinks jumping overboard accomplishes and whether these are suicide attempts.
- A 19-year-old sailor's wife accused the Navy of keeping her in the dark about her husband's suicide attempt after he spent an hour in the water.
- The wife learned her husband had gone overboard from one of his friends, not from Navy officials, who waited four days to contact her.
- Tim breaks down the absurdity of someone casually mentioning that a squadron member jumped overboard without initially knowing who it was.
- Tim argues people need to stop rescuing everyone from suicide attempts and let it happen, while disclaiming any actual endorsement of the position.
- He questions why the sailor is surprised by military deployments when he voluntarily joined the military.
- Tim points out the sailor knew the military goes around the world killing people, not hugging them.
- The Navy claims they have not observed an increase in suicidal ideations aboard the ship.
- Tim dismisses the incident as isolated and argues everything is fine aboard the ship and that we're winning.
USS Abraham Lincolnthe NavyIranmilitary
- 2 min
Tangent: Mel Robbins vs. Gary Vee
#A digression comparing Mel Robbins unfavorably to Gary Vee, mocking her content and elderly fanbase making $35 million a year.
4moments
- Mel Robbins makes $35 million a year to tell people there's no 'I' in try and that the hardest part is to start.
- She makes Gary Vee look like Plato, and listening to her makes Gary Vee sound like Aristotle by comparison.
- Tim describes her audience as elderly people trapped in their houses, dementia patients listening to meaningless garbage.
- A report surfaces about food shortages aboard the USS Lincoln, including sailors claiming no milk for three months and rotten meat.
- 6 min
Solving the Navy's Overboard Problem: Shoot Them
#Tim continues riffing on the Lincoln overboard incidents, pivoting into an extended bit about shooting sailors who try to jump overboard as deterrence, invoking pirate discipline and comparing it to a reward system involving steak dinners.
8moments
- Tim dismisses reports of supply shortages, water contamination, and poor living conditions aboard the carrier as exaggeration.
- Multiple sailors have attempted to jump overboard from the USS Lincoln, with another incident involving a shipmate preparing to go over the side.
- Tim sees the pattern of overboard incidents as an embarrassment and identifies it as a reason why the war effort is failing.
- Tim proposes that sailors attempting to jump overboard should be shot in the water as soon as they go over the side.
- Tim compares the lack of discipline on the carrier to pirate ships, where captains like Blackbeard enforced strict hierarchy and focus.
- Tim describes holding a meeting where he would threaten to shoot any sailor who jumps off the boat and force their bunkmate to do the shooting.
- Tim argues that mental health concerns are counterproductive and that soldiers need to shoot the weak links who jump overboard.
- Tim proposes rewarding whoever shoots a sailor who jumps off the boat with a high-quality steak as an incentive.
USS Abraham LincolnRichard BlumenthalPete Hegsath
- 2 min
A sponsor read for Upwork about hiring freelance specialists, including a rambling fake list of names of people supposedly hired through the platform.
3moments
- Tim opens with a joke about shooting someone and then enjoying a steak and baked potato.
- Tim vouches for Upwork, saying he's used the platform and found great people to work with.
- Tim reads off a list of names of people he's worked with through Upwork: Sasha, Tommy, Frank, Colette, Jean, Michael, Dexter, and others.
- 12 min
Chrissy Metz, Savannah Guthrie, and Body Positivity
#Tim dissects a Today Show interview where Savannah Guthrie questions Chrissy Metz about her weight loss, riffing on the body positivity movement, mocking Guthrie's alleged family scandal involving her kidnapped mother, and imagining absurd dialogue between the two.
14moments
- Tim introduces the Chrissy Metz and Savannah Guthrie body positivity controversy.
- He establishes that people can pursue weight loss however they want without judgment.
- Tim admits he's overweight and says he's the only person honest about getting fat by eating, unlike others who claim mysterious syndromes.
- The body positivity movement demanded representation, then attacked members who lost weight for increasing 'fat phobia.'
- Being overweight has clear health consequences, though fat people shouldn't be abused or called names.
- Chrissy Metz decided to use GLP1s to lose weight, which Tim supports as the right choice.
- She had to explain her weight loss to Savannah Guthrie on the Today Show because the body positivity community felt betrayed.
- Savannah Guthrie questions Metz about people who feel disappointed, asking what she'd say to them.
- Tim pauses the interview to note that Metz mentioned being warned by a doctor she would physically explode due to her weight.
- Metz deflects with nonsensical answers about weight training and scary movies instead of directly defending her choice.
- Tim criticizes the entire premise: Guthrie's family was involved in kidnapping her own mother, so she has no standing to question Metz's medical decisions.
- He imagines Savannah using Metz's weight as a confidence boost while her mother was missing, then demands Metz lose weight anyway so she develops a personality.
- Tim concludes it's insane to ask someone why they chose not to face serious health consequences.
- The absurdity of morning television: asking a person 'Hey, so you decided not to be fat, huh? Why?'
Chrissy MetzFriend of the showSavannah GuthrieThis Is Usbody positivity movement
- 8 min
Tim reports on ICE's plan to buy $20 million worth of electric shock gloves from Compliant Technologies, riffing on the absurdity of the product, its warnings against using it on children and the elderly, and skepticism about the direction of policing.
10moments
- Tim worries ICE's electric shock gloves will give people the wrong idea about the agency's intentions.
- The backstory: a meeting where someone proposed shock gloves as a humane alternative to shooting protesters in the face.
- Tim argues a secure border doesn't require a paramilitary group of untrained psychopaths grabbed from a backyard wrestling event.
- The gloves deliver up to 380 volts—more than three times a standard US power outlet—and ICE plans to spend $20 million on them.
- Tim questions who came up with the invention of electric shock gloves as a concept.
- The company name is "Compliant Technologies," which Tim finds absurdly ironic.
- The manual recommends avoiding use on the elderly, small children, pregnant women, and the severely handicapped—a list Tim finds preposterous.
- An additional officer must be present to restrain the subject, supposedly to avoid people getting the wrong idea about grabbing someone and shocking them.
- Lieutenant Butch Gallion—described by Tim as a Donkey Kong villain—explains the gloves deliver localized shocks to convince subjects to comply through pain.
- Tim expresses doubt that moving toward shock gloves is the right direction, noting that many modern cops aren't well-trained or physically fit enough to handle suspects without gadgets.
ICECompliant Technologies LLCDHSelectric shock gloveslaw enforcement
- 1 min
A sponsor read for HIMS discussing ED treatment options available online through licensed providers.
4moments
- Tim opens with the pitch: noticing something's off in the bedroom tends to stick with you, and many people delay addressing it too long.
- HIMS connects you with licensed providers for ED treatment entirely online—no awkward appointments or pharmacy lines, just a simple intake form.
- Sildenafil, the generic for Viagra, is available through HIMS at up to 95% less than the brand name version.
- Visit hims.com/tim for access to personalized affordable care for ED, hair loss, and more.
- 2 min
A sponsor read for Helix mattresses, mentioning the Midnight Deluxe model, Labor Day discounts, and personal endorsement from guests.
5moments
- Tim says every guest who stayed with him over the summer unanimously endorsed his Helix mattresses.
- He owns the Helix Midnight Deluxe and prefers firm mattresses, though acknowledges others have different preferences.
- Helix is the most awarded mattress brand, tested and reviewed by experts like Forbes and Wired.
- Tim pitches the Labor Day discount: 27% off sitewide at helix.com/timd, exclusive for show listeners.
- He urges parents to start the school year right with new mattresses, framing September as the real start of the year.
- 5 min
Tim plays and reacts to an actual news segment showing ICE's demonstration of the zap gloves, mocking the screaming test footage and DHS's justification.
5moments
- Tim describes the shock glove screaming sound as the noise you'd hear while eating a muffin and having coffee in the morning.
- Tim expresses skepticism about shock gloves as policy direction, noting people were detained and restrained for years without this technology.
- This surveillance infrastructure—flock cameras and all of it—isn't coming to make you safe; it's designed to build an unprecedented surveillance grid.
- Tim argues there is no comparable level of surveillance in history to what's being deployed at the cellular level now.
- The government is building this surveillance grid because they know something disruptive is coming—AI, war, climate events, or all three.
- 2 min
Surveillance Grid and Flock Cameras
#Tim speculates that shock gloves, flock cameras, and biometric surveillance are being built into an unprecedented surveillance grid in preparation for major societal disruption, checking a live map of flock camera locations in NYC.
5moments
- Tim notes there was a Flock camera story out of New York City and describes a map of all their locations.
- People are destroying Flock cameras everywhere because they don't like them, but they're coming anyway.
- Tim explains how quickly new surveillance technology will roll out—one day you hear about shock gloves, the next day someone uses one on you.
- Authorities claim Flock cameras will only be used for public safety after shootings, just like every other surveillance tool we've been promised.
- Tim argues this surveillance buildup is preparation for some event or multiple scenarios that will require this level of control.
Flock camerasTaco Bell
- 8 min
Tim defends Taco Bell as sacred nostalgia, tells a story about a friend's diced tomato hidden in her car, then covers news of a parasitic lettuce outbreak linked to Taco Bell that killed two people in Michigan, riffing on their deaths with dark humor about the Taco Bell crunch sound.
11moments
- Taco Bell as nostalgic junk food for teenagers getting high.
- The story of the friend with the clean car who secretly ate Taco Bell, leaving one perfectly diced tomato on the dashboard.
- Tim mourns the lettuce outbreak deaths while joking about using the parasite as an excuse to get out of things.
- News report confirms two deaths in Michigan linked to Taco Bell's Mexican lettuce and cyclospore outbreak.
- Tim uses the Taco Bell crunch sound as a eulogy for the victims, imagining it as the last thing they heard.
- Tim proposes how he'd deliver a moment of silence at their funeral using the Taco Bell crunch.
- Complaints about Taco Bell quality control when the filling leaks out and looks like feces.
- Tim hopes the victims' final meal was at least a good burrito before they shit themselves to death.
- Tim explains why Taco Bell's CEO only cares about deaths, not general illness among customers.
- Taco Bell's official statement about removing the affected lettuce while Tim speculates the victims were found in their cars with crunch wrap wrappers.
- Tim describes the morbid image of bodies discovered pooled in feces with Taco Bell wrappers.
- 1 min
Tim briefly introduces a story about data showing millions of men ditching the workforce.
1moment
- Tim on men leaving the workforce: it's about the soul, not dignity, and work sucks anyway.
- 12 min
Encouraging Kids Into the New Economy: OnlyFans, Crypto, and IRL Streaming
#Riffing off the men-leaving-workforce story, Tim delivers an extended bit about parents needing to abandon traditional career expectations and instead enthusiastically support their children becoming OnlyFans stars, crypto grifters, IRL streamers, and pranksters, with elaborate fictional dialogue between parents and their kids.
12moments
- 33% of men are now out of the labor force, up from 29% in 2012.
- Tim dismisses expert warnings that men playing video games at home will end up incarcerated as unnecessarily negative.
- Parents should unconditionally support their children's internet ambitions, whether OnlyFans, crypto, or influencer schemes.
- Tim imagines telling a drug-addicted son pursuing crypto that he'll end up rich in Miami instead of pressuring him into college.
- Let children loose on the internet to find their own path rather than forcing them toward internships and traditional work.
- New economy jobs include forex trading, AI apps nobody cares about, gaming, pranks, and IRL streaming.
- Being an IRL streamer filming yourself humping food delivery robots is now a legitimate career path.
- Tim would tell friends his daughter does OnlyFans and he's proud of her, even if she does obscure fetish content with eggs.
- No one's going to want traditional jobs like firefighting; encourage whatever your children want to do instead.
- Parents should tell sons who want to get rich or die: agree with them and encourage them to catfish pedophiles for content.
- Loving parents must accept that IRL streaming, OnlyFans, and internet grifting are now the real jobs in society.
- Embrace the new economy or waste time fighting the inevitable; your children can only be happy as moguls or sex workers.
- 1 min
Tim closes the episode telling parents to love their children and says good night.