Episode 405 · The Studio Revamp
Matthew Perry & A Hamptons Tragedy | The Tim Dillon Show #405
Aug 17, 2024 · 1:09:53 · 1,000,000 views · 18 segments, 114 moments indexed
Tim examines hanging out with Israel, price gouging, Subway in crisis, putting children in jail, Matthew Perry’s fake friends and why you should never weep in the Hamptons.
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- 5 min
Israel Says Iran War Is Inevitable, US Should Attack Now
#Tim reacts to reports that an Israeli official wants the US to preemptively attack Iran, riffing on the Gaza war's unclear objectives, Netanyahu keeping "the party going," the death of Ismail Haniyeh, and the odd similarity between Republican and Democratic war policies.
10moments
- Tim on Israel as a friend: always getting the US into something, keeps things interesting when summer gets boring.
- Israel says the Iran war is inevitable and the US should attack now, just rip the Band-Aid off without diplomacy.
- Gaza War has gone on almost a year and nobody knows what the objective is anymore.
- Netanyahu figured out the only way to keep people's attention is to keep the party going by getting the US to launch cruise missiles into Iran.
- Israel killed Hamas political bureau chief Ismail Haniyeh in Iran during the new president's swearing-in ceremony.
- Iran's old president died in a helicopter crash, perhaps weather, perhaps something else—helicopters are held together by one God nut.
- Tim takes helicopters from the West Side Highway to Southampton and finds it terrifying.
- Israel is provoking Iran; they want the US and everybody to get wild over this conflict.
- Trump campaign differentiates itself by promising to bomb Iran, but there's not much space between Republican and Democratic war policies.
- Both mainstream Republicans and Democrats just want to go to war—there's no huge difference between the two parties on this.
IsraelBenjamin NetanyahuIranGaza WarBill BurnsIsmail HaniyehTrump administration
- 1 min
Tim discusses Ukraine's incursion into Russian territory and capture of the town of Sudzha, joking about his fake Kremlin contacts, and argues that no matter whether Ukraine is winning or losing, the Pentagon budget always finds a reason to send more weapons and money.
3moments
- Tim argues Democrats and Republicans are offering similar foreign policies—war in Ukraine or the Middle East—just with different branding.
- Trump should campaign on actually deescalating rather than continuing troops and wars everywhere.
- Israel is like the troubled friend who wants to throw firecrackers and stir up trouble because of a bad home life.
- 2 min
Israel as the Friend With a Bad Home Life
#An extended bit comparing America and Israel to teenage friends — Israel is the troubled friend from a bad home always dragging you into fights, while America is the rich kid who goes along with it because he likes the values.
5moments
- Tim compares Israel to a friend with a chaotic home life whose parents fight constantly, using this metaphor to explain American support.
- America is the rich kid who likes Israel because they share values, but needs a girlfriend—like France—to explain that Israel's situation is deeply messed up.
- Tim acknowledges the girlfriend's point: even though they're bros and share values, Israel is in a fundamentally fucked-up situation.
- Tim doesn't claim Israel bears sole responsibility for Middle East problems; many people have 'made that sausage' over there.
- At a certain point you have to tell that friend you won't fight those other kids with them, even if their enemies are dangerous.
- 1 min
Gaza Casualties and the Case for US Restraint
#Tim runs through Gaza casualty and displacement figures and argues Trump would benefit politically by promising no US troops in a postwar Gaza, leaving reconstruction to Arab states, while Harris and mainstream Republicans offer no real alternative to endless war.
4moments
- US needs daylight between candidates' Gaza policies, but Republicans instinctively can't position themselves as restraint over hawkishness.
- Democrats present as the aggressive jock while Republicans struggle to adopt the softer stance on foreign policy.
- Tim jokes about being on the phone with Kremlin officials this morning who bought him a Rolls-Royce and houses.
- Ukraine's capture of a Russian town six miles from the border is impressive militarily speaking.
- 5 min
Kamala's Price Controls and the Permanent War Budget
#Tim ties Ukraine's endless funding needs to Kamala Harris's new proposal to fight price gouging on food, mocking her vague grasp of price controls and comparing the Republican and Democratic war postures to two friends both determined to fight the same kid.
6moments
- Every Ukraine outcome—losing, breaking even, or winning—requires more weapons and money; there's a permanent defense budget column for Ukraine regardless of results.
- Tim describes the Republican Party needing to tell Israel it can't hang out this weekend because they're going to the lake with his parents.
- Israel absolutely has the right to defend itself against Hamas and exact a price for the October 10 attack, but ten months later there are 45,000 killed and a massive humanitarian crisis.
- Trump wins the election tomorrow if he commits to not stationing U.S. troops in post-war Gaza for reconstruction and security.
- The U.S. shouldn't be bombing Iran or having a war there unless Iran threatens vital American interests.
- Kamala promises cheaper food by putting price controls on it, but she doesn't actually know what price controls are.
IsraelGazaUkraineHamasDonald TrumpKamala HarrisJoe BidenRussia+4 more
- 2 min
Subway Is Human Trafficker Food
#Riffing off Kamala's food-price comments, Tim declares Subway the least-loved but most ubiquitous fast food, joking that it's mainly eaten by human traffickers doing rest-stop pickups on the Pennsylvania Turnpike.
6moments
- Kamala Harris's first policy proposal targets price gouging from major food companies, though the food will still be poison but more accessible and cheaper.
- Price controls historically haven't worked—Venezuela and other examples show rationing, business closures, and reduced product availability.
- Subway has more restaurants than McDonald's and is now in crisis, possibly because fewer people are doing human trafficking.
- Subway is largely for human traffickers because rest stops along routes like the Pennsylvania Turnpike all have Subway.
- Tim describes pulling into Subway with human trafficking victims in a van and having to take their sandwich orders while armed guards watch them.
- One of the shaking human trafficking victims complains that the tuna isn't even really tuna.
- 2 min
Tim plays and mocks Kamala Harris's speech about taking on price gouging, corporate landlords, and big pharma, joking that "taking on" corporate landlords really just means taking them to lunch.
2moments
- Tim explains the Democratic lie about "taking on corporate landlords" — what they really mean is taking them to lunch and asking how to evict people faster.
- The phrase "take on corporate landlords" sounds like you're inviting them on a trip or to a conference.
Kamala Harriscorporate landlords
- 4 min
Subway: The Full Teardown, Fast Food Nostalgia, and Doughbrick's Pizza
#A long rant expanding on Subway as "moving day food," its collapsing sales and franchisee crisis, the Boomer-era marketing lie that no one has time to cook, and a detour into David Dobrik's grotesque Doughbrick's Pizza.
8moments
- Subway is not anyone's favorite food—no one ever picks it as a guilty pleasure, unlike Chick-fil-A or Taco Bell.
- Subway is Moving Day food: utilitarian, suffered through during eight-hour apartment relocations.
- Subway is eaten primarily by government employees, people moving, and human traffickers—consumed only by those without choices or time to think.
- America's gig economy hellscape of stressed, lonely, and overworked people grabbing Subway sandwiches between point A and point B.
- Patrick Mahomes and elite athletes do Subway commercials—a special place in hell exists for athletes who promote disgusting food to make obese children think they eat it too.
- Subway pays elite athletes to endorse a yoga mat bread product so people will eat poison thinking champions do.
- Subway holds emergency meeting with franchisees as sales plummet; costs of poison have risen and people are quitting the chain.
- Subway's gross sales are not even at 2012 levels despite trying new coupons and promotional offers.
- 7 min
Tim reads sponsor copy for Ibotta cash-back app, mentioning his friend's dog vet bills paid for by savings, and then reads a Game Time ticket app ad, referencing buying Taylor Swift Eras Tour tickets.
10moments
- Tim argues that Americans believed Subway was healthy for roughly 15 years, a remarkable feat of marketing that eventually gets exposed like any other scam.
- The lie that nobody had time to cook—Tim grew up hearing this while his parents had time to watch TV for hours, drive around collecting antiques, and jam with his father's band in a converted playroom.
- Fast food in the 90s marketed itself to Boomers by flattering their egos: you're too busy and important to cook, you're the hardest working person on Earth.
- Tim's grandparents, who lived into their late 80s and early 90s, refused to allow processed or fast food in their homes and thought it was disgusting.
- Subway was marketed as the healthy alternative to McDonald's: 12 inches of bread with the same plastic used to make yoga mats, baked in an oven that smells like Hell.
- Tim plays a vintage Subway commercial promising fresh-made sandwiches and two footlongs for $7.99.
- Subway was also where customers could torture minimum-wage employees for five minutes, yelling orders and feeling powerful before returning to their real lives.
- Lean Cuisine meals pull out of the microwave looking like scabs—another aged product that will become increasingly ridiculous in retrospect.
- Tim calls out David Dobrik's Dough Brick Pizza as grotesque: pizza that's 90% done gets shoved through a conveyor belt oven, emerging with cheese that looks like a scab on top.
- Middle Americans line up at Dough Brick Pizza because they recognize the owner from YouTube.
SubwayDober PizzaLean CuisineDavid Dober
- 7 min
Tim reads sponsor copy for Ibotta cash-back app, mentioning his friend's dog vet bills paid for by savings, and then reads a Game Time ticket app ad, referencing buying Taylor Swift Eras Tour tickets.
10moments
- Tim argues that Americans believed Subway was healthy for roughly 15 years, a remarkable feat of marketing that eventually gets exposed like any other scam.
- The lie that nobody had time to cook—Tim grew up hearing this while his parents had time to watch TV for hours, drive around collecting antiques, and jam with his father's band in a converted playroom.
- Fast food in the 90s marketed itself to Boomers by flattering their egos: you're too busy and important to cook, you're the hardest working person on Earth.
- Tim's grandparents, who lived into their late 80s and early 90s, refused to allow processed or fast food in their homes and thought it was disgusting.
- Subway was marketed as the healthy alternative to McDonald's: 12 inches of bread with the same plastic used to make yoga mats, baked in an oven that smells like Hell.
- Tim plays a vintage Subway commercial promising fresh-made sandwiches and two footlongs for $7.99.
- Subway was also where customers could torture minimum-wage employees for five minutes, yelling orders and feeling powerful before returning to their real lives.
- Lean Cuisine meals pull out of the microwave looking like scabs—another aged product that will become increasingly ridiculous in retrospect.
- Tim calls out David Dobrik's Dough Brick Pizza as grotesque: pizza that's 90% done gets shoved through a conveyor belt oven, emerging with cheese that looks like a scab on top.
- Middle Americans line up at Dough Brick Pizza because they recognize the owner from YouTube.
SubwayDober PizzaLean CuisineDavid Dober
- 8 min
Tim reacts to news of an 11-year-old migrant boy arrested as the primary aggressor in a series of NYC subway robberies, riffing that migrants were promised to write Broadway musicals instead of committing crimes, and mocking the idea that no one can criticize a child attacker.
9moments
- 11-year-old Venezuelan migrant arrested in NYC subway for robbery
- Tim argues he wants children jailed when they commit crimes rather than given programs
- Young migrant criminal was supposedly supposed to be writing musicals like Hamilton instead of robbing people
- Black tow truck driver in Harlem warned Tim about Venezuelan gang stealing phones, then endorsed Trump
- The 11-year-old and 17-year-old were attacking subway riders together, with the child identified as primary aggressor
- Tim was promised that immigrants came to America to become trans composers, not to commit violence
- Tim jokes that Trump would announce execution of the 11-year-old on day one
- They acknowledge the kid deserves sympathy but argue the situation with Venezuelans is getting out of hand
- People actually living in poor neighborhoods say there are too many Venezuelan robberies happening now
- 5 min
Would Kamala Execute the Kid Robber to Win the Election
#Tim spins out a fantasy where Kamala Harris publicly executes the 11-year-old Venezuelan robber to seize Trump's tough-on-crime lane and permanently end the Republican Party, joking about Hollywood rallying behind her.
8moments
- Tim argues an 11-year-old migrant robber deserves a short jail sentence, not execution, but also needs to be beaten up by New Yorkers.
- Police linked roughly 10 robberies in Central Park to 12 migrant boys; Tim says you can't fight back against an 11-year-old without legal consequences.
- Tim finds the photo of the child robber hilarious and wonders if he'll learn his lesson or become a mean adult.
- Tim questions whether everyone coming to America actually loves it, citing Sweden becoming dangerous despite migrants' supposed love for the country.
- Police say the 11-year-old was caught on camera using stolen credit cards from Central Park robberies linked to a Venezuelan gang.
- Tim imagines Kamala stealing Trump's border security platform by announcing she'll deport Venezuelans.
- Tim fantasizes about Kamala executing the 11-year-old robber on day one to send a message and win the election.
- Tim elaborates that if Kamala publicly executes the child on live television with all of Hollywood present, she'll destroy the Republican Party.
Kamala HarrisCentral ParkSwedenDonald TrumpJimmy FallonNicolás MaduroNew YorkJohn Chell
- 6 min
Tim covers the criminal charges against Matthew Perry's ketamine suppliers, including the so-called "Ketamine Queen" Jasveen Sangha, and another victim, Cody McLaury, who died from the same supply chain.
11moments
- Why are authorities bothering the doctors who tried to help Matthew Perry feel good?
- After Friends ended, Perry lived about 20 more years before fame depleted him and he ended up in a hot tub.
- Over a two-month period in fall 2023, doctors distributed 20 vials of ketamine to Perry for $55,000 in cash.
- Doctor Placencia mocked Perry in texts, writing "I wonder how much this will pay," and watched him freeze up after an illegal injection.
- Jasmine Sanga, the Ketamine Queen, earned her nickname by allegedly selling ketamine and meth out of her North Hollywood stash house since June 2019.
- Sanga also faces charges for her role in an August 2019 ketamine overdose death of Cody Lowry, an Alaskan native and LGBTQ community member.
- Many doctors now prescribe ketamine therapy to aging celebrities to help them deal with the aftermath of fame.
- Fame is a drug that eats you alive from the inside out; it's an unnatural state of being where you don't feel gravity.
- Famous people surround themselves with fake friends who use them but are always on the clock, making them more fun than real friends.
- They tried to cancel Matthew Perry after he died, claiming he wasn't a nice guy.
- When detoxing from fame, you need another drug to replace it because you haven't existed in reality for a long time.
Matthew PerryPlacenciafameJasmine SangaFriendsEric Fleming
- 1 min
Fame as a Drug You Have to Detox From
#Tim theorizes that fame itself is an addictive, unnatural state, and that stars like Matthew Perry need another drug like ketamine to replace fame once it fades, surrounded by fake friends who make life fun but unstable.
3moments
- Tim proposes Kamala Harris should campaign on capping ketamine prices as the real issue facing the country.
- Government claims ketamine is for treating PTSD in troops, but Tim argues it's actually being used by people who just want to do drugs.
- The drug may help veterans with PTSD as one small sliver of its use, but the broader purpose is enabling recreational use.
- 1 min
Standard sponsor read for the Prize Picks daily fantasy sports app, covering promos, women's basketball stars, and the deposit match code.
- 15 min
The Hamptons Suicide of Brandon Miller: Keep the Scam Going
#Tim discusses the suicide of Instagram-famous Hamptons real estate developer Brandon Miller amid financial collapse, building an extended riff that the whole Hamptons economy and the American economy generally is a house-of-cards scam, and that giving up (rather than lying forever) is the real moral failure, contrasting Miller's suicide with David Dobrik's refusal to quit after scandal.
10moments
- Tim argues that faking wealth, enjoying the high life, and then ending it isn't actually a bad way to live compared to other suffering in the world.
- The Hamptons social game demands maintaining appearances; weeping or breaking down publicly is unacceptable in that world.
- The real rule of the Hamptons is keeping the scam going—Brandon Miller was weak because he couldn't sustain the facade.
- The American economy itself is a house of cards; everyone in finance and business is running a scam.
- Brandon Miller appeared successful but was in financial freefall, weeping at business meetings rather than holding the line.
- Tim criticizes Miller for not making the right alliances, blackmailing people, or getting involved with intelligence agencies to survive.
- Tim recommends Jonathan Franzen's novel The Privileges as an accurate depiction of young finance people running scams in New York.
- The press treats Miller as an anomaly in the Hamptons, but everyone there is dishonest and living beyond their means.
- Tim sees Miller's suicide as a failure of the con artist mentality—giving up and weeping in boardrooms is not how America was built.
- Kamala Harris represents the right approach: the lie must be verbose, enduring, and forever without ever breaking character or admitting dishonesty.
Prize PicksBrandon MillerThe HamptonsBed Bath and BeyondJeffrey EpsteinKamala HarrisDavid DobrikThe Privileges+1 more
- 1 min
Tim runs through his upcoming tour stops including Omaha's Funny Bone, Sid Splitters, West Hampton Beach, Ontario Improv, Comedy on State in Madison, Improv in Bloomington/Normal Illinois, and the Miami Improv, joking about opening acts.
4moments
- Tim is playing the Omaha Funny Bone after doing theater tours around the world.
- He asks fans to buy tickets to his West Hampton Beach show—it's his hometown and he doesn't want to be embarrassed.
- He's added a second show in Chicago, the only place he'd ever want to perform regularly because Illinois never abandoned him.
- His opening act in Miami will be Candace Miller, who talks about her husband having no money.
Candace MillerWest Hampton BeachComedy on StateOmaha
- 3 min
Closing Riff: Rob Me in English and Rest in Peace Brandon Miller
#Tim closes by inviting the 11-year-old Venezuelan robber onto the show if he speaks English, revisits the Israel-as-troubled-friend bit one more time, and sends off Brandon Miller with a mock-sincere hope he scams better in his next life.
5moments
- Tim's request: if you're going to rob me, speak English about it.
- The Hampton guy was soft because he kept stealing phones instead of operating at a higher level.
- Tim on geopolitics: if Israel says war with Iran is inevitable, you do it because they're your friend.
- Israel's a bad influence, but America relates to them anyway—like a dumb rich kid wanting friends.
- RIP Brandon Miller: Tim hopes he reincarnates on another planet and pulls off the scam without the weeping at the end.