Episode 152 · The Porch Era
Episode 152 - Feral
Jun 16, 2019 · 1:22:50 · 251,000 views · 18 segments, 148 moments indexed
Tim is joined by Devan Costa live from the porch once again. Tim is settling down in Los Angeles and running into a lot of demons and feral people.
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- 1 min
Opening music, applause, and show branding before the talk begins.
1moment
- Segment intro: Tim Dillon Show begins
- 4 min
Devon Costa recounts driving his girlfriend's broken-down Mazda CX-7 from Dallas to LA, getting fleeced by mechanics and tow truck drivers, and comparing the vulnerability of roadside breakdowns to being caught in a schoolyard; Tim riffs on Long Island tow truck 'mafia'.
9moments
- Devon returned from a week-and-a-half road trip moving his girlfriend from Dallas to LA in her 2008 Mazda CX-7.
- The mechanic charged $400 for a radiator flush before the trip, but the engine started smoking within half a mile of leaving.
- Tim notes the Allstate tow truck driver was from Saudi Arabia and didn't seem to know what was happening.
- The tow truck driver popped a tire while transporting the car because he didn't secure it properly.
- The mechanic then charged $800 for an air conditioning compressor after the second visit.
- Devon explains that in the Northeast, tow truck companies like Johnny's Towing are Mafia-owned operations controlling the parkways.
- Tim says when someone breaks a car you lent them, you're justified in screaming at the tow truck driver and mechanic, but Devon has to stay diplomatic around his girlfriend.
- Tim jokingly offers to join the tow truck scam and break more of the car if they cut him in on the profits.
- Devon spent $80 on Uber one night to perform at a coffee house and made $10, then got guilted into another gig requiring a $45 Uber ride to the east side.
tow truck companiesDevon CostLong Island MafiaJohnny's towing
- 16 min
Zombie Comics: The Open Mic Disguised as a Booked Show
#Tim compares failed, delusional LA open mic comedians to zombies from apocalypse movies who've 'been bit,' recounting a specific nightmare booking at a Studio City lounge, a promoter who lied about it being a real show, and a formerly good comic now drinking scotch and showing off dresses; he expands into a broader riff on the tragedy of unsuccessful comedians, fake flyers, and anniversary shows for nothing.
18moments
- Tim compares booked comedy shows to zombie apocalypse movies where survivors must test if newcomers have been infected.
- A booker with a Facebook profile listing every club she's worked at is diagnosed as 'been bit'—mentally ill and no longer fighting the good fight.
- Tim arrives at a Studio City lounge where the bouncer aggressively interrogates him and asks if he promoted their flyer with his name spelled wrong.
- The lounge interior is a dungeon filled entirely with struggling comedians, not a real audience, and the booker is delighted everyone showed up.
- When Tim asks if it's an open mic, the booker insists it's a booked show despite the entire audience being comics.
- Tim recognizes a brilliant comic he knows sitting at the bar and cautiously approaches, unsure if she's been bitten by the zombie bug.
- The comic puts her hand on Tim's shoulder, announces they're in hell, pulls out disgusting brown dresses from a bag, and drinks scotch.
- The booker messages Tim on Instagram asking about another show she already booked for him, prompting him to block her instead of responding.
- Comedy's human tragedy is worse than working in a cancer ward—it's like the thousand undead souls from Greek mythology that Hades won't even ferry across the river.
- Tim refuses to show up to shows with four people in attendance because you can't just tell someone they're a sociopathic maniac.
- An Uber driver tells Tim it takes balls to get on stage, so Tim puts in his headphones rather than explain there's no audience because everyone wants to perform.
- There was a whole year in LA where Tim just posted he was performing at venues but would cancel at the last minute and not show up.
- People celebrate four-year anniversaries of doing open mics in the back of a truck on the 405—instead of pursuing actual relationships and getting married.
- Comics post about 37-hour road trips upstate while doing 70 minutes for nobody, whereas welders who unclog toilets and get paid are the real winners.
- Wealthy friends Tim knows are so bored by their riches that they float in pools all day, with houses so massive they never use most of the rooms.
- Rooftop pools in LA have hot women eating bowls of ice cream, and every billboard for weed companies features fat women because death-level obesity now sells.
- Brands want scooter-bound fat women—not just curvy—to the level of Violet Beauregarde, constantly farting, representing true unhealthiness as a product.
- People succeeding in comedy right now, including Tim himself, should be in group homes because their brains are bouncing loose in their heads.
Amy SchumerMarlboro LightsThe FerrymanStudio City
- 5 min
Tim describes a petty argument with his producer Ben over a technical issue, riffs on Ben's passive-aggressive Christian upbringing, and pivots into a BetterHelp sponsor read about online counseling and anger management.
8moments
- Tim had an argument with producer Ben over a nonsensical technical matter, then accused Ben of not caring about the show because he produces twelve podcasts.
- Ben is trans, and Tim threatened to destroy him by taking away the other podcast he produces for a woman Tim calls a lunatic.
- BetterHelp sponsorship: online counseling for depression, stress, anxiety, relationships, sleeping, and anger—the last one would have helped with his fight with Ben.
- Tim explains why he can't pout like good-looking people do; instead he has to yell and scream to process emotion.
- BetterHelp is necessary because Tim yells and screams when angry, a habit he can't break without professional help.
- Better Help allows Tim to manage his schedule: three hours of work daily, the rest spent converting hatred and bile into comedy.
- Tim and Ben made up, but worries Ben might be harboring resentment because he's Christian and passive-aggressive types keep anger inside for years.
- Ben will probably hold the argument against Tim for six years, unlike Tim who lets anger out immediately.
- 4 min
Long Island Stupidity and Waiting for Mom to Die for the House
#Tim praises the specific, innate stupidity of Long Island people using a bricklayer friend's comment about bricks as an example, then describes the dark ritual of Long Islanders waiting for a parent to die of cancer so they can inherit the house and complain about taxes.
9moments
- Long Island people have a level of stupidity so innate to them that trying to educate them would destroy them completely.
- Tim's friend points out a few misaligned bricks on an otherwise beautiful house, unable to see past the minor flaw.
- Tim took Ben to Long Island and he immediately understood the culture after seeing a custom monster truck Chevy Suburban.
- Long Island people don't give a shit, which is what the city lacks—a genuine lack of caring about being reasonable.
- Dallas is set up for people who've made it; everyone there is just eating steak and looking forward to their next meal.
- Long Island kids inherit their parents' musical tastes—17-year-olds liking Billy Joel instead of finding something their parents would disapprove of.
- People on Long Island get a house when their mother shows signs of cancer, then they wait for her to die instead of taking her to a doctor.
- While the mother's body is still warm, the 40-year-old inheritor immediately complains about the taxes on the house they just inherited without ever having worked.
- That's how Long Island people get their houses—waiting for their mother to croak so they can inherit.
- 4 min
Wix Callers, Legalized Prostitution Apps, and Neuralink Merging With AI
#Tim talks about the upcoming Wix call-in segment and a caller with a vague business idea, riffs on future tech like an app for legalized prostitution, and discusses Elon Musk's Neuralink and merging with AI before machines surpass humanity.
8moments
- Tim's Wix sponsorship includes a segment where callers pitch business ideas on upgraded websites.
- Tim predicts the caller will pitch an idea that's already a fully operational business instead of something original.
- Tim speculates the next untapped business opportunity will be a legalized prostitution app similar to GrubHub.
- Elon Musk owns Neuralink, a company merging biology with AI to prevent artificial intelligence from destroying humanity.
- Tim explains Musk's theory that humans must merge with technology because AI will eventually be smarter than everyone and treat us like bugs.
- DARPA, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, studies future weapon systems and is 20 years ahead of public technology.
- Annie Jacobson wrote about Area 51; Tim describes her speaking style as resembling a phone sex operator discussing UFOs.
- The military is developing neural interface programs that allow drone strikes to be ordered by thought rather than finger commands.
Elon MuskAnnie JacobsonArtificial IntelligenceDARPAJordan Peterson
- 4 min
Drone Strikes, DARPA, and Annie Jacobson's Book
#Tim describes watching drone strike footage with Ben, argues that terror threats like ISIS are wildly exaggerated compared to the technological horror the US wields, and talks about Annie Jacobson's DARPA book and how politicians perform authenticity before capitulating to intelligence agency fearmongering.
6moments
- Tim on the patriotic appeal of watching drone strikes kill probably innocent children.
- ISIS was never a threat; these people in caves are an improv team we fund and make ourselves.
- Watching drone strikes makes it hard to take any politician seriously talking about ISIS.
- Obama's campaign pretense of limiting Iraq intervention versus his quiet drone striking once in office.
- The CIA presents unactionable intelligence to terrify presidents into authorizing whatever they want.
- Politicians now fill in blanks for what they know audiences want to hear, then do what intelligence agencies tell them to do once elected.
ISISBarack ObamaCIADonald TrumpBill HicksEllen DeGeneresJack Palance
- 4 min
The Home Depot Walker Kid and Callous Libertarian Solutions
#Tim discusses a viral story of Home Depot building a makeshift walker for a disabled toddler because insurance wouldn't cover one, contrasting it with the callousness of people like Ben Shapiro suggesting families 'start a hedge fund' instead of fixing the healthcare system.
7moments
- Home Depot fashioned a walker for a three-year-old out of parking lot scraps because the child's health insurance wouldn't cover one.
- Libertarian solutions to the walker problem: start a hedge fund, do currency arbitrage, incorporate the family, flip real estate.
- Tim on political labeling: calling someone a Nazi for basic observations isn't helpful and became dangerous when even thinking there are two genders made you a bad guy.
- Nobody actually believes there are an innumerable amount of genders—people are either terrified into silence or they don't believe it themselves.
- The New York Times blames YouTube rabbit holes for radicalization to the right, ignoring that the same dynamic happens on the left.
- Left-wing extremism exists on Tumblr with people identifying as cats, fairies, and pixies, radicalized just like right-wing extremists.
- Tim on both-sides radicalization: online spaces push people toward extreme identities on the left and right equally.
New York TimesBen ShapiroHome DepotDavid DukeSherman Oaks
- 7 min
Gender Fluidity Nerds, Being Bit, and Both-Sides Radicalization
#Tim argues both left and right online radicalization (alt-right YouTube rabbit holes vs. 'other kin'/furry-adjacent gender identities) are equally symptomatic of being 'bit,' and complains that people are inventing infinite made-up genders inspired by Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones nerd culture.
10moments
- Tim on gender fluidity: people claiming to be different genders throughout the day based on reading fantasy novels like Narnia.
- The trans community has a lot of nerds in it, but Tim respects the old-school transvestites who actually went out clubbing and fighting.
- People today are incapable of holding two conflicting ideas simultaneously, which Tim sees as essential to being intelligent.
- Tim imagines his close friends getting into car accidents and taking their last breath before bed, yet loves them more than anything.
- Staying at a friend's house in LA while her family dissolves, Tim acknowledges both the sadness and the opportunity to benefit from their dissolution.
- People who want to eat the rich usually just want to be rich themselves—they're not principled, just envious and ambitious.
- Tim refuses to pretend his comedy career is altruistic charity for the poor; he does it because he's good at being funny.
- Getting bit means adopting a savior complex, claiming your career choices will solve world problems instead of admitting you want success and money.
- Tim jokes about introducing himself in meetings as Miss Dillon after coming out, then waiting for the check as his entire career strategy.
- Tim's next special is supposedly about solving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, though he admits he has no material on the subject yet.
- 3 min
Tim reads an ad for a delay spray product (Prem/delay spray) claiming urologist endorsement and a discount code, riffing on the absurdity of male vs female time to orgasm statistics.
7moments
- Tim endorses Prem Essent delay spray, describing it as perfect for men who want to last longer in bed.
- Average men reach climax in five and a half minutes versus women's eighteen minutes, creating a fundamental timing problem.
- The solution is Prem Essent spray applied to the penis for normalized sensitivity and stronger orgasms.
- Tim jokes that 2200 urologists endorse the product, apparently unconcerned with prostate cancer and instead testing dick sprays in Arizona strip malls.
- Prem Essent ranks as the number one sexual enhancer on Amazon and represents a spray alternative to pills like Blue Chew.
- Tim won't promote Cialis unless they pay him, though he acknowledges they have cash and he'd go to bat for them if compensated.
- The company operates out of people's trucks with headquarters in a Tahoe, though Tim clarifies this is a joke on a comedy podcast.
- 2 min
What Do the Advertisers Think of This Audience
#Tim riffs on the parade of degrading products (dick sprays, CBD, online therapy) sponsoring the show and speculates about how pathetic the ad targeting implies the audience is.
5moments
- Tim marvels at the parade of spray-on products and erectile dysfunction aids advertised on the show, expressing disbelief that they can't secure mainstream advertisers like Blue Apron or QuickBooks.
- What do the advertisers think this audience is — what demographic profile are they targeting with these products?
- Tim catalogs the assumed pathologies: the audience is anxious, suicidal, housebound, unable to afford in-person therapy, and sexually dysfunctional.
- The ad strategy emerges as a cynical feedback loop: people need websites because they have nothing else going on, not because they actually need websites.
- He delivers the delay spray promo code mid-rant, segueing from mockery of his own ads directly into reading them.
Delay SprayCBDWicksBlue ApronQuickBooks
- 6 min
Tim pitches Wix website building with AI design tools, imagining a wedding photographer using Wix to land clients like 'the Benedettos and the O'Learys,' and riffs on boomers scrolling Facebook and the bleak reality that most listeners' dreams won't pan out.
10moments
- Tim tells the audience they should get a website and explains why Wix is the best option for people without much money to spend.
- Wedding photography example: Tim describes using Wix to showcase photos of Aunt Sheila dancing drunk at a Long Island catering hall wedding.
- Once photos are on the Wix website, families like the Morones, Colliers, and O'Learys will see it and hire you for their own weddings.
- Older people prefer websites over Instagram because they're more comfortable scrolling through actual sites while on Percocet.
- Tim directs listeners to TimDillonsGoingToHell.com, his Wix website, and tells them to click the link to upgrade their own sites.
- Promotion offer: anyone who creates a Wix site within the next couple days will get 90 seconds to three minutes on the show to promote their business.
- Tim will be taking calls from entrepreneurs next week, including a fashionable Black woman with a clothing line on Instagram.
- Tim's assessment of his audience is that it's probably a family of possums, not fashionable people.
- For most people just starting out, having a website provides comfort while waiting for success that likely won't come.
- Tim warns that for the majority of listeners, life will be a slow gradual descent into an indescribable pit of hell because most people aren't good, smart, or sharp enough.
- 3 min
Nobody Feels Unsafe, SWATting Paranoia, and Skipping Dallas Pride
#Tim argues crime is at historic lows despite manufactured online fear, jokes about being SWATted and broadcasting from an undisclosed location like Alex Jones, then segues into skipping Dallas Pride and observing straight guys capitalizing on West Hollywood's Pride Parade.
11moments
- Crime rates have dropped to their lowest point ever, but YouTube videos and social media make people feel unsafe.
- Someone tweeted at him threatening to SWAT him, which he treats as absurd paranoia.
- He never lives at a disclosed address because if someone SWATs him, it'll be whoever he's living with that gets the guns pointed at them.
- Tim broadcasts from undisclosed locations like Alex Jones and doesn't know where he is.
- He didn't go to Dallas Pride because the environment seemed fueled by drugs and alcohol.
- Driving through West Hollywood Pride, he noticed mostly straight dudes there trying to capitalize on it.
- He questions whether modern Pride requires performative displays or if someone can just be gay privately in their room.
- The people at Pride parades aren't even actually gay—they're straight people going to a parade.
- Tig Notaro goes to hostile places like Birmingham, Alabama and wins people over with comedy instead of lecturing them.
- The entertainment industry ignores comedians like Tig who actually change minds and prefers performers dancing around in West Hollywood.
- More straight men show up at those performances than anyone impressed by the same act in New York or LA.
Alex JonesTie RiveraPride Parade
- 4 min
Desmond the Amazing and Kids on Bars
#Tim discusses the viral ten-year-old drag-dancing kid Desmond the Amazing, arguing it's child endangerment regardless of political backlash, and contrasts it with legitimate gay performers like Tai Rivera who win over hostile crowds through comedy.
10moments
- Tim asks why there's a ten-year-old child dancing on a bar at drag events and describes Desmond the Amazing performing while adults throw money at him.
- Older gay people Tim has spoken to are disturbed by children at these events and reject the idea that it represents their community.
- Tim compares trans identity claims to identifying as thin or a volleyball champion—saying attraction is about what people actually see, not what someone claims to be.
- Injecting children with hormones before age 18 is child abuse, and children should not be performing sexually in bars regardless of their identity.
- Tim questions who approves of a ten-year-old dancing on a bar for money and notes the child was celebrated on Good Morning America.
- Dance classes for children are fine, but having adult men throw money at a kid in a bar is sick and exploitative.
- When he tries to discuss these concerns, people accuse him of being self-hating, not really gay, or not understanding the movement.
- This behavior sets the broader gay rights movement back because mainstream observers see it and think the entire movement is extreme.
- Not every gay man wants to wear a g-string at Pride, but media and some in the community treat that aesthetic as the only authentic version of being gay.
- Demanding conformity to a stereotype—saying someone isn't really gay unless they embrace every aspect of Pride culture—is the same as questioning someone's identity if they don't fit racial stereotypes.
- 7 min
You Don't Actually Want Freedom, You Want Guns
#Tim argues gun-rights absolutists don't care about mass surveillance, torture, drone strikes, or Chelsea Manning's imprisonment, and that their idea of freedom is limited to driving to Jack in the Box and owning an AK-47, contrasted with real civil liberties abuses nobody protests.
10moments
- Tim imagines parents raising a son as a cowboy, giving him a real horse and gun, leading to a school shooting scenario.
- Americans claim to want freedom but only care about keeping guns—they ignore government surveillance, torture, and wars abroad.
- Gun rights advocates love police and security despite cops shooting dogs, beating teenagers, and targeting Black people.
- Tim lists what people actually accept: mail surveillance, kill lists, drone strikes on Pakistani children—all to keep their personal arsenal.
- Edward Snowden and Chelsea Manning exposed government crimes, got destroyed for it, and nobody on the right cared about their freedom.
- Freedom in America means driving to Jack-in-the-Box and shooting squirrels in your backyard, not actual liberty.
- Tim made a joke on Martin's podcast saying real protest requires strapping bombs to toddlers, clarifying he's against violence but discussing reality.
- Millions of people will never protest in the streets because it's not happening if Game of Thrones has a finale—people are at home.
- At protests you see someone you hate from an open mic and don't want to be associated with them, so mass movements never come together.
- The only thing you can really do in this society to be honest is support Tim's career because it's the answer.
Chelsea ManningBarack ObamaEdward SnowdenNancy PelosiGame of Thrones
- 3 min
Support My Career: The Only Real Answer
#Tim jokes that the only realistic form of activism left is supporting his own career, fantasizing about a future mansion, pool parties with a 'harem' of young men, and hollow charity dinners.
7moments
- Tim describes his one-week plan for LA success: get famous, buy a house in Hollywood Hills with a pool.
- He commits to occasional charity dinners where he writes checks to organizations that take 98% for operating costs and distribute 2% to actual aid.
- Tim jokes about giving a man new sandals right before a Darth Vader drone blows his feet off.
- His evening ritual: night swimming because he likes it better than daytime swimming.
- While pondering his mortality as a sinker in his pool, he contemplates whether any of this makes sense.
- Looking out at the city of Satanists while smoking a cigarette despite not smoking.
- Tim tells the young men that without his success, everything would be exponentially worse—it would be chaos in the streets.
charitable organizationsTim Dylan
- 3 min
Tim runs down upcoming tour dates (Mohegan Sun, Skankfest, Cleveland, San Diego, Jersey, Providence) and has Devon Costa plug his YouTube channel and podcast Hate That You Love It, then teases a controversial future guest.
5moments
- Tour dates: Mohegan Sun June 20-22, Skank Fest June 23, Hilarities Cleveland July 19-20, American Comedy Company San Diego August 1-3, Stress Factory Jersey in September, Comedy Connection Providence in December.
- Devon Costa's YouTube channel and podcast 'Hate That You Love It' — where fans can find his videos and new content coming soon.
- Tim and Devon planning Vegas shoot with videos and podcast recording, plus interviewing Gret Glider about his Donorsee platform for donating to people in third-world countries.
- Tim preemptively disclaims responsibility if Donorsee turns out to be a front for human trafficking in three weeks.
- Upcoming guests will include controversial figures; Tim hints at a comeback from someone controversial in the comedy world from his past.
Devon KostaMohegan SunGret Gliderhate that you love itAmerican comedy companyComedy Connection of ProvidenceHilaritiesStress Factory+3 more
- 2 min
Teasing a Mystery Controversial Guest From His Past
#Tim teases booking a mysterious, deplatformed figure from the comedy world whose satirical persona spiraled out of control, refusing to name them but defending the value of interviewing controversial people.
7moments
- Tim references Milan Kundera's 'The Joke,' a book about how a single joke ruined someone's life.
- A mystery guest from Tim's past had something initially satirical spiral out of control and unravel their life.
- The incident wasn't a joke told on stage but rather something the person did that became bigger than intended.
- Tim acknowledges he will face criticism for platforming this person, who has been 'deplatformed' and 'done almost everything.'
- Tim argues his job is to talk to people and that he won't be swayed by those determined to accuse him of bad intentions.
- Asking difficult questions and putting a guest on the spot is doing good journalism, not enabling their wrongdoing.
- Tim pivots to asking who's giving the CIA a platform, deflecting the criticism.
Milan Kundera