Episode 150 · The Porch Era
Episode 150 - Your Thoughts Have No Value (with Luke Touma)
with Luke Touma
Jun 2, 2019 · 1:17:42 · 79,000 views · 17 segments, 150 moments indexed
Tim's final show from NYC! This week he's joined by fellow comedian Luke Touma.
- 1 min
Cold Open: Leaving New York for LA
#Tim announces this is his last episode recorded from New York before moving to Los Angeles, boasting about his status in the NYC comedy scene.
1moment
- Tim announces this is the last episode recorded from New York before he moves to Los Angeles
- 2 min
Tim introduces guest Luke Tuma, riffing on Buffalo real estate prices, comparing Buffalo to Newark and Philadelphia, and mocking Luke's unsophisticated upbringing including never trying tuna tartare.
6moments
- Tim claims he was one of the only comedians who did it all—Alt, clubs, and remained respected by everybody.
- The New York comedy scene will disintegrate immediately after he leaves because he was its mascot and avatar.
- Tim says he's been getting messages all week from people trying to decide whether they should continue living on earth.
- Luke Tuma, who has opened for Tim a few times comedically, is a very funny New York comedian who grew up in Buffalo.
- Houses in Buffalo sell for around $100,000, though you can get a nice one for 16 grand.
- Luke grew up in a BMW 7 Series car and never had tuna tartare until Tim took him to open at Mohegan Sun.
- 3 min
Luke describes an upcoming gig for a Lebanese investment firm despite having no material about being Lebanese, leading into a discussion about doing gay-audience gigs without gay material and a dark joke that unsettled a friend.
10moments
- Tim explains he brings Luke on the road to experience things through fresh eyes, since Luke hasn't done much and Tim has become hardened and cynical.
- Buffalo is compared to Newark and Philadelphia—a declining post-industrial city where the Kodak factories that once drove the economy are long gone.
- Luke's parents each tried to leave Buffalo for two months but were sucked back; he's the only one in his family to actually stay gone.
- Tim jokes about how embarrassing it must be to tell Buffalo relatives that Luke left to become a comedian—it barely counts as leaving.
- Luke is Lebanese and getting booked for his first Lebanese gig, which Tim notes is smart career positioning.
- Luke's girlfriend is Black, checking another diversity box—Tim jokes he'll need to 'suck a couple dicks' to complete the set.
- A Lebanese woman named Natalie booked Luke to perform a half hour for wealthy Lebanese investors at their firm called LIFE, replacing Dave Miriam who had a conflict.
- Luke admits he has literally zero material about being Lebanese and knows nothing about Lebanon, so he'll have to improvise for an audience that won't care about Buffalo either.
- When booked for gay gigs, Luke doesn't have material about being gay, so the audiences get mad wanting to hear about themselves for half an hour.
- A gay coworker asked what gay comic Tim Dylan tells jokes about, and Luke answered with Tim's dark joke about jumping off the George Washington Bridge.
BuffaloLukeChris D'EliaPhiladelphiaDave MirageTim DylanNewark New Jersey
- 12 min
The Milo Yiannopoulos Creek Controversy and Deplatforming Rant
#Tim goes on an extended rant about Milo Yiannopoulos being booked and then protested at the Creek and the Cave, defending club owner Rebecca Trent, blasting failed comedians and Antifa for using violence and mob tactics to silence speech, and arguing that deplatforming reflects a lack of faith in free debate.
13moments
- Tim's comedy isn't for everybody, especially waiters who have no ambition beyond getting hammered.
- Milo Yiannopoulos's publicist reached out to Legion of Skanks, the self-proclaimed most offensive podcast on earth, to book him at the Creek in Long Island City.
- Protesters showed up in combat boots threatening to throw milkshakes and physically attack people, claiming they wanted everyone to feel safe.
- Antifa groups and leftist activists riot whenever controversial figures like Ben Shapiro or Milo appear at universities, supposedly to promote safety.
- Many of the New York comics opposing Milo's appearance are people who shouldn't have been booked anywhere based on their own lack of talent.
- Real comedians who perform nightly in hostile environments learn to shut down hecklers and can't be afraid of words—it's their entire job.
- If you can't shut someone down with your own words and arguments, banning their speech means you don't believe in debate or the power of rhetoric.
- Failed comedians don't believe in talent or hard work; they think successful comedians exploited loopholes rather than being able to make people laugh consistently.
- Though Tim disagrees with talented people like James and Domian on this issue, they're among the funniest people in the world and he respects them.
- The deplatforming crowd believes the only thing preventing fascism from taking root is that people haven't heard Milo's ideas yet—implying they respect the ideas' power too much to debate them.
- Rebecca Trent, who owns the Creek, had nothing to do with booking Milo but her own friends vandalized her restaurant and turned on her despite years of her helping struggling comedians.
- Comics who took money from Rebecca when they had cancer are now throwing her under the bus to salvage their failed careers.
- Freedom of speech means nothing if you threaten people with violence and intimidation; protesters don't understand that threatening someone into silence isn't protecting speech.
Milo YiannopoulosAntifaRebecca TrentLegion of SkanksKevin HartLouis C.K.Ben ShapiroJames and Domian+2 more
- 1 min
Continuing the theme, Tim and Luke discuss why failed comedians become bitter and resentful, using an absurd analogy of Luke pursuing an NBA dream despite having no physical qualifications.
3moments
- Tim argues that many nihilist comedians are actually just resentful people who hate humanity and want to destroy it.
- He attributes their worldview to resentment, noting that many hate their parents or hate the world because they lack natural talent for comedy.
- Tim compares aspiring comedians without talent to someone deciding to pursue an NBA career despite being 5'8", Lebanese, slow, and uncoordinated—then hating the world when it doesn't work out.
- 6 min
A sprawling BlueChew sponsor read drifts into graphic discussion of Luke's sex life, penis size rankings among high school friends, blowjob technique, and jokes about his black girlfriend.
13moments
- Tim asks Luke about his sexual frequency and erectile function
- Luke describes nineteen-year-old men rubbing soft penises against his leg instead of achieving erections
- Luke offers to perform oral sex on men with erectile dysfunction before they have intercourse
- Luke claims he gives exceptionally good blowjobs, very intense
- Luke compensates for not having a large penis by excelling at oral sex
- Bluechew advertisement begins: chewable performance enhancement claiming faster results than Viagra
- Tim pitches Bluechew's benefits—discrete packaging, ability to go multiple rounds
- Tim asks whether Luke feels inadequate sexually because his girlfriend is Black and he doesn't have a large Black penis
- Luke's girlfriend avoids Black men because her father abandoned her, not because she doesn't want them
- Luke describes extremely large penises as gnarled with veins, looking like they were in an electrical fire
- Weird kids in high school always had the biggest penises
- Luke states his sexual preference is skinny men with little body hair and large penises
- Final Bluechew pitch: free first order with promo code TD, five dollar shipping
- 1 min
Gary Vee, Entrepreneur Culture, and Masterclass Setup
#Tim rants about people chasing entrepreneurship and 'follow your dreams' culture pushed by Gary Vee, pivoting into mocking the concept of MasterClass with Judd Apatow and other celebrities.
3moments
- Gary Vee's Instagram noise tells people they'll all be entrepreneurs, but they won't.
- Tim's master class: you're not an entrepreneur, you're gonna die thinking you'll run the show.
- His friends want to be entrepreneurs but have never had a real job.
- 8 min
Steve Martin's MasterClass Trailer Reaction
#Tim and Luke watch and mock the Steve Martin MasterClass trailer clip by clip, riffing on its uselessness, the scam nature of MasterClass generally, and imagining brutal reactions to wasting money on it.
12moments
- Tim opens with hope that all celebrities will die.
- Steve Martin quit stadiums, did movies, and now teaches idiots at the improv.
- The full list of MasterClass teachers includes Judd Apatow, Scorsese, and others.
- In the trailer, Steve Martin criticizes comedians who open with 'How are we doing tonight?'
- Tim would fire his manager if they brought him the Steve Martin MasterClass offer as a serious opportunity.
- MasterClass is a scam dressed up as celebrity instruction, though Tim admits enough money would change his mind.
- The business model sells people the false idea they'll become proficient in something.
- At $15 a month, Tim delivers an extreme rant telling MasterClass buyers to withdraw their savings and harm themselves.
- A traditional apprenticeship kept secrets sacred, but MasterClass sells everything to anyone who pays, regardless of character.
- The trailer's messaging makes it seem like success comes from luck rather than actual skill development.
- Tim notes Steve Martin doesn't know what TikTok is, undercutting his authority to teach modern comedy.
- Lil Nas X created a hit from a parody song on TikTok that became genuinely huge.
Steve MartinMasterClassAaron SorkinGary VaynerchukJudd ApatowNatalie PortmanAaron FranklinMartin Scorsese+2 more
- 5 min
Young Gravy, Lil Nas X, and Trolls Ruling the Culture
#They watch a Young Gravy music video and discuss how absurdist internet figures like Young Gravy, Lil Nas X, and Trump succeed as trolls in the current cultural environment, contrasting it with Steve Martin's earnest MasterClass advice.
11moments
- Young Gravy is a rapper Tim learned about sitting next to his social media guy on a mega bus.
- Tim initially thought Young Gravy was doing a parody of a white rapper as a joke, but realized Gravy is deadly serious about it.
- Watching Young Gravy's Mr. Clean video, Tim describes him as a tall guy who looks like a 7-Eleven cashier, not particularly good-looking.
- Young Gravy started as a joke but became real, like the Trump candidacy — things that begin absurd eventually become the actual environment we live in.
- People are enjoying Young Gravy's ridiculousness specifically because of how over-the-top it is in a world where that's what gets attention.
- Trump, Lil Nas X, Takashi 6ix9ine, Cardi B, and Kim Jong Un are all just trolls existing in an environment that makes them hilarious.
- The real master class is manipulating people on social media, not perfecting a craft.
- Steve Martin's MasterClass teaches earnestly and rationally while successful people like Young Gravy and Lil Nas X succeed by being ridiculous.
- MasterClass sells to untalented people for fifteen dollars a month who can't access Steve Martin's comedy directly.
- Tim's free masterclass in stand-up: move to LA or New York, ruin your life, destroy your credit and relationships, maybe get a few credits if you're lucky.
- The real masterclass ends with advice that you probably won't make it, but at least you'll save fifteen dollars you'll need for medicine later.
Young GravySteve MartinDonald TrumpLil Nas XCardi BTakashi 6ix9ineKim Jong Unsocial media manipulation+1 more
- 8 min
A long Wix website sponsor read drifts into commentary on boomers as an ad demographic, then into Luke's porn preferences by race and orientation, feet fetish talk, and offers for people to promote themselves on the show via Wix signup.
17moments
- Tim identifies boomers as a huge ad demographic despite calling them moral deviants who raped and pillaged the country.
- Boomers won't use social media and need a website instead, as evidenced by Tim's aunt writing Trump posts on Facebook at 3 a.m. on Percocet.
- Tim promotes his website powered by Wix and lists upcoming standup dates for those who visit.
- Wix allows users to design sites with drag-and-drop AI that answers questions about what the website should look like.
- Tim offers 10% off Wix premium plans through his mailing list, with 90 seconds of show promotion as the reward for upgrading.
- Luke Crawford admits he doesn't have a website because he didn't know about Wix until Tim just mentioned it.
- Tim points out that when people watch porn, they go to a website, proving why Luke needs one.
- Luke explains he watches different porn depending on his dating situation—avoiding Black porn when he's dating a Black woman but wanting white girl porn since living in Boston.
- Tim asks Luke about gay porn preferences, leading to Luke describing a cross-player discovery theme with 18-year-olds still in high school.
- Tim defends Dan Cook's 19-year-old girlfriend, dismissing concerns about age gaps.
- The conversation turns to foot fetishes, with Tim asking if Luke likes dude feet.
- Tim suggests Luke's friends from Buffalo are desperate and might need money, offering to potentially pay them.
- Tim jokes about people visiting his Wix site to get paid by him for sexual acts.
- Tim pivots from the feet sketch back to serious topics, saying he's not kidding about Nazis being real.
- Tim complains about having to pitch Wix every week and mentions losing his maple syrup sponsorship.
- Tim confirms the maple syrup sponsor bailed on him after he was doing well selling the product.
- Tim closes with a final call to visit his Wix site, upgrade the premium plan, send a screenshot, and get three minutes on the show to promote ideas that probably won't work.
- 3 min
Long Island Lunch with Dad's In-Laws and Chelsea Handler's Espionage Expertise
#Tim recounts arguing about taxes with his dad's lawyer in-law at a Long Island lunch, riffing on inheriting a cottage and mortality, then mocking Chelsea Handler positioning herself as a political/espionage expert.
9moments
- Tim did an open mic on Long Island with his dad, his dad's wife, and her parents.
- Dad's in-law—a lawyer who argued before the Supreme Court—starts lecturing about tax grievances while Tim checks his phone.
- Tim hits back, dismissing Long Island tax complaints, and the lawyer insists they're actually trying to help Black people.
- Story about a previous Long Island gig: they performed for a room full of 90-year-olds, Tim's dad's friends, all clearly ready to die.
- Tim's dad is 67 and done—only cares about dogs and wine, has no patience for anything else.
- Dad's wife says Tim will own their new Long Island cottage one day, forcing him to immediately calculate when they'll die.
- Tim jokes he's not being a dick, but how many more holidays until he gets the cottage.
- Tim messaged a comedian friend asking about open mics on Long Island; the answer is always no unless it's a big name.
- Chelsea Handler runs healthcare town halls and talks about policy after a decade of talking about getting railed.
- 4 min
The Bleakness of Suffolk County, Long Island
#Tim delivers an extended riff on how depressing and hollowed-out Long Island (specifically Suffolk County) is, dwelling on cancer, car accidents, and the general decay of American suburbia.
8moments
- Tim gets his Mueller report analysis from Chelsea Handler, the woman who wrote about shitting herself on a date.
- He frequents an open mic at Shakers Pub in Oakdale, Long Island, drawn to darkness and wanting to know how bleak things really are.
- Suffolk County outside the Hamptons is extremely bleak—the opposite of the sanitized mainstream takes he rejects.
- Long Island represents the erosion of the American suburban dream, hollowed out and dying in real time.
- The area is fast food, bars, and crumbling buildings, with only radiology clinics still intact—where everyone waits for their cancer diagnosis.
- Tim describes the Long Island experience as betting on which body part will betray you first: colon, lungs, blood, or kidneys.
- Or you get lucky and a 19-year-old drug addict on the LIE kills you before you need the radiology clinic.
- He's been in five car accidents and loved every one—walking away from a wreck to smoke a cigarette is one of the greatest feelings in the world.
Long IslandChelsea HandlerMS-13LevittownOakdale, Long IslandShakers PubMueller reportCardi B+1 more
- 5 min
Luke tells stories about heavy cocaine use including a night doing coke with Thai trans women in Boston, and the two discuss normalized binge drinking culture in Buffalo.
10moments
- Shaker's Pub was a dark bar that didn't support life—the type of place designed to obliterate your life.
- The saddest places on earth are bars located in shopping plazas next to strip malls, Big Lots, and Taco Bell.
- Tim spent years as a degenerate alcoholic drinking alone in corner bars, never for social reasons.
- In Buffalo, shopping plaza bars were the only option—you either ate chicken fingers or drank there.
- Moving out of Buffalo taught him that the rest of the world doesn't drink like they do—constant binge drinking was normalized there.
- Tim likes to do coke every now and then.
- He did coke all night with his friend Nick, then flew back to Boston paranoid that a Russian lady's baby knew he was fucked up.
- Tim did coke with a bunch of Thai ladyboys at a birthday party thrown by Num-Sho, a tiny Asian girl who was Boston's biggest coke dealer.
- Num-Sho brought out a grapefruit-sized ball of coke and they spent five hours partying, after which the ladyboys took off their wigs and makeup.
- Tim wasn't interested in the ladyboy dick—he was more focused on the coke.
strip mall barsShaker's pubBuffaloDiego LopezBostonHarringtonLouis C.K.Nick
- 8 min
Shakers Pub Open Mic: A Long Island Horror Show
#Tim describes visiting a grim open mic at Shakers Pub in Oakdale, Long Island, detailing the miserable bartender, the depressing venue, and reflecting on the mental illness and delusion required to pursue comedy.
12moments
- Tim bought a drunk house because that's what cool people do.
- Open mic regular expresses conflicted views on sex with trans people.
- The bartender at Shakers Pub walked outside, lit a cigarette, and looked not human.
- Tim describes the open mic venue: side room with two long tables, overly lit, usually used for bands.
- Tim explains that most comedians are troubled, sensitive, anxious, depressed, and self-medicate.
- You need delusion to do comedy—you have to see yourself as something you're not yet and believe it's possible.
- Tim didn't realize intelligence mattered in comedy until recently; many talented people make wrong decisions from emotion, not logic.
- For Tim, comedy was about loving it and earning money doing something almost impossible.
- Open mic comedians aren't all doing the same thing; many use the stage like therapy to deal with life issues.
- The difference between Tim and failed comedians is he learned to get funny and build a career by treating comedy like a business.
- Tim realized many open mic performers are mentally unwell in an obvious way.
- A fight broke out during the open mic when one guy confronted a stoned performer about who he thought he was.
- 6 min
Fights, Crazy People, and the Darkness of Open Mics
#Tim continues describing a near-fight at the open mic and reflects on why he's drawn to dark, chaotic scenes like open mics and conspiracy theories, plus a bit about accidentally luring a friend back into comedy.
13moments
- Open mics blur the line between actually funny comics and actual crazy people, with real mental illness present throughout the scene.
- Tim watched two guys almost fight at an open mic and sat through performers who ranged from funny to genuinely disturbed.
- He only attended because he has the same impulse that drives people to watch human trafficking documentaries—wanting to see how dark things get.
- That hunger for darkness is the same compulsion behind obsession with Kennedy assassination and 9/11 conspiracy theories.
- Long Island's particular open mic scene has no redeeming qualities—unlike southern bars that at least have folksy charm, it's just garbage and garbage people.
- Tim was taken to a tri-county flea market in Levittown that was a three-story building filled entirely with people's discarded junk.
- Comic bringer shows have been running for twenty years by finding clueless people on Facebook to fill the lineup.
- He texted a friend who'd quit comedy to come back to a show, and the friend actually showed up.
- Tim realized he'd pulled the guy back into the darkness partly because he wanted company in it.
- When Tim returned to the open mic scene, he wasn't prepared for how genuinely dark and depressing it had become, or whether it had always been that way.
- The core problem with Masterclass and the whole self-improvement industry is that there's no honesty about what success actually costs or whether you get anything back.
- People who reach high levels were always going to get there—they just chose a particular path, and Masterclass promises magic from your couch that doesn't exist.
- Nobody tells people that even if you succeed in pursuing your dreams, you might realize you missed out on things more valuable along the way.
- 4 min
No Honesty About the Cost of Chasing Dreams
#Tim closes out the MasterClass/dreams theme with a sincere-sounding rant about how nobody tells aspiring people about the sacrifices and lack of guarantees in chasing success, contrasting it with Disney-fied narratives.
6moments
- People want a Disney version of reality instead of honesty about the cost of chasing dreams.
- Tim's rule: when he's speaking, guests listen—their thoughts have no value in his presence.
- His friend starts phone conversations mid-rant without context, like calling about the Golden Globes saying only 'these people are insane' before launching into 45 minutes.
- The guest's mother texts asking if he's okay because he says dark things on Instagram.
- Tim tells him to explain to his mother that he's never said anything that matters, but one day he will—and that's when real tragedy hits.
- For a great stage comic to truly succeed, he needs a tragedy—maybe his house burns down—to have something real to say instead of fluffy garbage.
- 1 min
Tim runs through his upcoming tour dates across the country, tells Luke where to find him on social media, and delivers a mock-poignant goodbye riff about mattering and not mattering before signing off.
3moments
- This is the final episode from New York.
- If in six months I know who you are, it means I have failed and I will not fail.
- Tim predicts a listener will one day tell someone they knew him and he was a genius, and now he's dead.