Episode 304 · The Ben Avery Era
Classic tier — a personal pick, not a popularity ranking#304 - What America Means To Me | The Tim Dillon Show
Jun 26, 2022 · 1:07:41 · 505,000 views · 18 segments, 123 moments indexed
Tim Dillon explains to his audience what it means to live in America the beautiful, has two reactions to the shocking overturning of Roe v Wade, discusses tired workers falling into a vat of chocolate, Kyle Rittenhouse's new video game…
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- 2 min
Cold Open: 4th of July Family Chaos and America's Back
#Tim opens on a 4th of July memory of his Irish family letting the air out of an angry uncle's tires to stop him driving home drunk after a fight, then riffs sarcastically on America being "back" despite crime, unemployment, and family breakdown.
3moments
- Tim recounts a 4th of July party where an uncle's family deflated a drunk relative's tires after he was offended about his wife being called a name.
- He reflects on Independence Day as a time for people to grill, take stock of their lives, and appreciate what they have.
- America's back, and nothing—not crime, gas prices, unemployment, dissolving family structures, or rising militias—will keep the country down.
- 2 min
Drag Brunch Gets Too Aggressive
#Ben mentions labor shortages canceling 4th of July fireworks, which sends Tim into a riff about a drag brunch he attended where the queens' in-your-face political commentary ruined his French toast.
6moments
- Cities like Phoenix are canceling 4th of July fireworks due to supply chain issues and labor shortages.
- Tim clarifies that Arizona is replacing fireworks with a pyrotechnic show using flames from pipes instead.
- Tim attended a drag brunch at pride and says modern drag queens have become too aggressive with audience members.
- Drag performers get in people's faces during brunch, demanding they lick boots while customers try to eat French toast.
- Tim complains the aggression continues even though he came with another gay man, not from a religious coalition.
- Some drag queens would be more entertaining if they actually developed real talent like singing or dancing instead of just performing bits.
- 4 min
Tim and Ben dig into Arizona cities like Tempe and Chandler replacing fireworks with pyrotechnic "flume" shows due to supply chain issues, mocking pyrotechnics expert Kindon Victor and predicting furious, gun-toting residents.
7moments
- Tim says Arizona is a dump full of lot lizards living in the dirt who deserve what they get.
- Arizona should have spent 11 months securing fireworks instead of just playing golf.
- Tempe is replacing fireworks with a spectacle called 'red, white, and flume' — flower-shaped structures shooting 30-foot flames on the lake.
- People are not going to accept a flume show; they want actual fireworks with loud bangs.
- Tim would suggest Arizonans just show up with AR-15s and shoot at the sky instead.
- Pyrotechnics expert Kindon Victor claims it's not a fireworks shortage but a supply chain issue from China.
- Kindon Victor says Arizona will power through and provide shows exclusively for the state despite other cities requesting help.
- 4 min
What America's 4th of July Actually Feels Like
#Tim reflects on the mundane, always-fine nature of American 4th of July celebrations with barbecues, pools, and cable news, contrasting it with the patriotic ideal.
7moments
- Tim hopes people can still get hurt and intoxicated on the 4th of July despite the lack of fireworks.
- He wants the Tempe pyrotechnic show to be so gay and over-the-top that residents riot and start shooting at the flames.
- Tim believes Arizona residents want an old-school fireworks show, not a Cirque du Soleil-style spectacle.
- The 4th of July is a family event that makes you feel proud to be American for one night.
- Tim catalogs what the American 4th of July actually looks like: backyard pools, booze, cable news, air conditioning, SUVs, parents cooking, and family members doing fentanyl.
- He argues the 4th of July is the most American holiday imaginable because of the barbecue, pool, outside setting, and fireworks.
- Tim admits he can't remember ever having an epic 4th of July—they've always just been fine, never great.
Fourth of JulyLong IslandTempeArizonaGrucci brothers
- 1 min
Ben's Boat Fireworks and Disney World Memory
#Ben recalls watching fireworks from a boat on a Texas lake and a childhood Disney World trip staying with his uncle instead of a hotel, which Tim interrogates skeptically.
3moments
- Tim recalls watching fireworks shot from boats on a lake in Texas at night.
- He saw fireworks at Disney once and thought it was way cooler than the boat show.
- His family drove across the country in a van instead of flying to get there.
- 2 min
Tim reads a sponsor spot for ShipStation, pitching automated shipping and fulfillment for e-commerce sellers with a promo code and free trial.
3moments
- Tim on the internet economy: everyone's had an online business forever and everyone will forever—you're in the black mirror now.
- The problem isn't finding customers or building a brand; it's that shipping logistics consume the focus needed for what actually matters.
- 98% of ShipStation users stay with the service for as long as they're in business, suggesting near-total satisfaction among e-commerce sellers.
- 1 min
Tim promotes Babbel language learning app, joking about only speaking English and demonstrating a Swedish phrase before giving the discount link.
3moments
- Tim admits he's embarrassed that he only speaks English.
- Speaking different languages opens up people you can have sex with and places you can live.
- Tim attempts to speak Swedish: 'Jag heter Tim Dillon.'
- 5 min
Searching for uplifting 4th of July news, they cover a Detroit kid's lemonade stand for animal shelters (which Tim insists on stripping of sentiment) and two exhausted Mars Wrigley plant workers who fell into a vat of chocolate and had to be cut out.
10moments
- Tim introduces a story about a kid with a lemonade stand in Detroit.
- Tim questions why bikers are known for defending kids and killing pedophiles, calling it suspicious.
- Tim wants to simplify the lemonade stand story, skipping the part about raising money for shelter dogs and focusing on pure capitalism.
- Tim fantasizes about the child eventually dethroning Dole and having the CIA prop up governments in Latin America.
- Two workers at a Mars Wrigley plant in Pennsylvania fell into a vat of chocolate.
- Tim notes the dark irony: unlike Willy Wonka, the worker actually had to go to the hospital and required rescue.
- Tim describes the workers as worthless while making Mars bars outside Hershey, digressing into a complaint that American chocolate tastes like soap.
- Emergency responders freed the pair by cutting a hole in the bottom of the chocolate tank.
- Tim insists the contaminated chocolate from the workers' swim is definitely making it to store shelves.
- Tim frames the chocolate vat accident as the good news story: overworked, lightheaded workers nearly dying for consumer entertainment.
Mars WrigleyAmerican chocolateDoleCIABabbelDetroitHersheyPennsylvania
- 3 min
Tim and Ben discuss Kyle Rittenhouse releasing a shooter video game called Turkey Shoot where players gun down "fake news" turkeys, with proceeds aiding his legal defense fund.
8moments
- Kyle Rittenhouse released a video game.
- Tim explains Rittenhouse went to Kenosha to guard things, shot people, and the media sandbagged him, though shooting with an AR-15 wasn't a good move.
- The game is a shooter called Turkey Shoot where you play as Kyle shooting fake news turkeys.
- The game's promotion on Twitter features Kyle shooting fake news turkeys.
- Downloading the $9.99 game from rittenhousegame.com supposedly aids Kyle's legal defense against fake news and raises funds to sue left-wing media.
- Tim questions why a lawyer wouldn't take this case for free instead of needing game revenue to fund it.
- Tim imagines the pitch: a parent gives kids the Kyle Rittenhouse Turkey Shoot game for July 4th, telling them to shoot fake news turkeys instead of classmates.
- Tim asks if there's anything positive about this.
- 2 min
They cover a real reality-show adaptation of Squid Game with a $4.56 million prize, joking about getting Kyle Rittenhouse cast as a contestant.
5moments
- Netflix is casting for a real-life Squid Games competition with $4.56 million in prizes.
- Tim notes that instead of killing people like in the show, America will release losers back into poverty.
- 456 players will compete in games inspired by the Netflix series, with eliminations and alliances.
- Tim suggests getting Kyle Rittenhouse into the Squid Game.
- Tim pivots to asking Ben about feeling burned out from work.
- 1 min
Tim reads a BetterHelp sponsor segment about burnout and online therapy convenience, including the discount code.
- 1 min
Tim promotes Bespoke Post's Box of Awesome subscription boxes, mentioning a fishing knife and camping pancake kit he received.
4moments
- Tim describes Bespoke Post's Box of Awesome subscription service and its monthly rotating collections.
- Each box is valued at around $70 but customers pay a fraction of that price, with 90% of products from small brands.
- Tim mentions receiving a fishing knife in a recent box and suggests camping boxes for cooking pancakes and potatoes over a campfire.
- Someone asks if there's anything else, trailing off without elaboration.
- 6 min
The Roe v. Wade Non-Committal Bit
#Anticipating the pending Supreme Court decision while pre-recording, Tim delivers two contradictory scripted reactions to cover either outcome, riffing on his own wishy-washy, home-renovation-style talking points about abortion.
7moments
- Supreme Court expands gun rights
- His actual position: abortion is fine within a window, but gets creepy once the fetus looks like a puppy
- Whitney Cummings is staying at his house and prefers the smell of paint
- Tim delivers a non-committal statement about abortion that works regardless of the ruling
- He claims he doesn't care about Roe v. Wade, then immediately contradicts himself
- Tim goes off-script on his actual position regarding Roe v. Wade, tangenting into dip, parking, and kitchen tile instead
- His stated position: he supports government-funded abortion up until the point where it makes him personally uncomfortable
Roe v. WadeCondoleezza RiceThe BirdcageNathan Lane
- 1 min
Boomer Dad Impression on Roe v. Wade
#Tim does a bit imitating his disengaged boomer father vaguely acknowledging the Roe v. Wade news without real understanding.
2moments
- Tim does a boomer dad impression responding to Roe v. Wade news with vague exasperation and non-committal agreement.
- Tim wonders if his father even understands what Roe v. Wade actually is beneath the surface-level outrage.
- 3 min
Quick news hits on Rachel Dolezal launching an OnlyFans and the Supreme Court expanding gun rights, including a clip of a gun store owner explaining the CCW permit changes.
5moments
- Rachel Dolezal has a market for a white woman pretending to be black on OnlyFans.
- Tim notes the country now has more gun rights, unexpected after mass shootings.
- Concealed carry licenses no longer require proving good cause, just passing a test.
- SCOTUS ruled 6-3 to expand gun rights, opening concealed carry permits to more people.
- Tim riffs on the absurdity of guns being used for harming babies instead of other purposes.
- 3 min
Steve Will Do It Actually Helps Kids With Cancer
#Tim praises Nelk Boys member Steve Will Do It for genuinely charitable acts like helping a girl with cancer, while joking about wanting to try helping cancer patients himself for attention.
8moments
- Steve Will Do It is a genuinely good person who gives away cars and houses.
- Tim has seen Steve help a kid with cancer at a hospital.
- Despite joking about the Nelk Boys, Tim says they've been unfairly maligned and actually do good things.
- Tim claims he does good things constantly but nobody reports on them, unlike Steve.
- Tim describes helping a charity case he rescued from a litter as an example of his own good deeds.
- Tim wonders if he showed up to help cancer patients, would he be attacked instead of praised.
- Tim makes a crude joke about wanting access to attractive young cancer patients.
- Tim notes that sometimes Steve takes cancer patients on gambling trips to the Cayman Islands.
- 4 min
What Being an American Means: The Kidnapping Prank Story
#Ben gives an earnest definition of being American around individuality and property; Tim counters with a long personal story about a childhood ransom-note prank on a mentally disabled babysitter and her mother's cruel reaction.
7moments
- Tim suggests finding something Americans can agree on, like insurance fraud, that doesn't hurt anybody.
- Asked what being American means, the guest defines it as individuality, property ownership, and freedom from religious or government influence.
- Tim points out the guest's definition doesn't actually apply to himself since he rents and leases everything.
- Tim launches into a story about pranking his friend's mentally disabled sister with a fake kidnapping ransom note when they were young.
- The sister actually called the police and was hysterically crying, believing the boys had been kidnapped.
- When Tim's friend's mother arrived and saw what happened, she called her daughter a retard and blamed the boys.
- Tim concludes that the kidnapping prank story is what being American means to him.
- 20 min
Extended Riff: What America Means to Me
#Tim delivers a sprawling, escalating spoken-word style riff defining America through dozens of dark, absurd images spanning fast food nostalgia, addiction, family dysfunction, national parks, celebrity culture, and his own parents, closing the show.
35moments
- Tim defines America as having an abortion with a gun, eating a sandwich made of a sandwich, getting hit by a boat on a boat.
- Drinking gasoline, crushing pills on a CD case, finding friends only because they have drugs.
- Tim's take: America means finding someone to have sex with who hates you and traveling without ever truly leaving.
- Being American means entertaining at all times, even when killing someone, with everything as spectacle like the O.J. Simpson trial.
- Figuring out everything's full of shit by age nine, then oscillating between drug, food, and sex addiction while knowing the government tried to kill you, yet still enjoying Top Gun.
- Never feeling sorry for a feral cat, knowing somewhere deep down a disabled person deserves it.
- Wishing bureaucratic ruin on someone—not death, but wishing they have to raise their children and go in and out of court multiple times.
- Tim on American hope: being hopeful that one day the people you agree with kill everyone else.
- Understanding that TGIF was a good group of shows on ABC, and yes, the kids got raped.
- Wendy's Monterey Ranch chicken sandwich with bacon in the 1990s was maybe the greatest restaurant experience while financing a house you couldn't afford.
- America is a collection of cigarette breaks, bathroom searches in malls, lost friendships, unrequited loves, and small failures coming together every Fourth of July to eat.
- America's national parks have become playgrounds for killers to murder people seeking majestic beauty.
- The government may kidnap your children and turn them into sex slaves or mind control victims, but Entenmann's is a good cake and everyone likes it.
- Starting a podcast with your friend and ending up on an FBI watch list, or moving to Austin, Texas for 100-degree swamp heat because it's a moving experience.
- Comedy clubs will be full of 41-year-olds trying to make it as a buffoon, calling them young children.
- Golf, one of America's most American sports, will eventually be owned by the Saudis like everything else.
- Tim's been incredibly blessed to live in America and meet interesting people, only to realize they're not that interesting.
- Nothing is more fun than doing cocaine with your friend in the back of a rental car.
- America comes down to three words: shut your mouth because someone else is talking, and they've probably robbed more people.
- Endless options for pancakes, so many fluffy types you could put your head on and sleep.
- Finding your child OD'd in the bathroom, getting the Narcan out, reviving them so they live to rob you one more time.
- Tim's proud to live in America and proud of all the problems—school shootings, tent cities—they are the country's greatest strengths.
- The bar scene where a man tells his crying 11-year-old daughter and angry ex-wife to get out, then calls the mother selfish before asking Tim to split clams.
- Tim tells the audience they can commit genocides as long as they keep listening and paying the show.
- The show is moving exclusively to Saudi Spotify for a hundred million dollars.
- Tim says selling the podcast to Saudi Arabia is the most American thing he could do.
- America is about the future, not the past—can't lose yourself in what the government did on 9/11, have to focus on what they're doing next.
- Tim's father told him to never overestimate his worth and that he's not that special.
- Father said to Tim and his mother: it's not that we don't love each other, it's that we don't love each other anymore.
- America is about family, a big wacky family.
- Tim's mother was honest with him, saying he's too fat for consistent television and Obama is a Muslim.
- Tim's mother started as a Weeki Wachee mermaid in Florida, was a surfer and swim teacher, and now ends up as a paranoid schizophrenic locked in a room.
- If his mother had known about live streaming, she could have made money from super chats—it's a question of timing.
- Tim hopes people remember what made America great: fraud, murder, and cool shit.
- Make a lot of money, die very young, kill others—happy Fourth.
Saudi ArabiaThe Comedy StoreWendy'sEntenmann'sAustinO.J. SimpsonWeeki WacheeForrest Gump+4 more