Episode 287 · The Ben Avery Era
Classic tier — a personal pick, not a popularity ranking#287 - Drug Recognition Expert | The Tim Dillon Show
Feb 14, 2022 · 1:07:50 · 642,000 views · 21 segments, 116 moments indexed
Tim gets pulled over by a Beverly Hills Police officer, recaps the Super Bowl Party he attended and weighs in on the Russian and Ukraine war.
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- 2 min
Super Bowl Fandom is Fake in LA
#Tim opens by mocking the LA Rams' Super Bowl win, arguing that most LA people, especially actors, only pretend to care about sports as a way to fake having a collective experience outside themselves.
4moments
- LA Rams won the Super Bowl, and most people in LA didn't care a week ago.
- Tim compares Super Bowl fandom to drugs—there's a reason to get caught up in it.
- People wake up the next day and stop caring, but it's a nice collective experience for a city that doesn't normally do collective.
- Regular working people in LA actually care about the team; it's the industry people around Tim who are pretending.
Los AngelesLA Rams
- 10 min
Pulled Over by the LAPD's 'Drug Recognition Expert'
#Tim recounts getting pulled over by LAPD officers on the way to the studio, one of whom claimed to be a 'drug recognition expert' and administered a bogus pen-tracking sobriety test despite no signs of impairment; a 20-minute argument ensues about rights, freedom of speech, and police abuse of power.
10moments
- Tim got pulled over by LAPD for crossing the intersection line, though the light was green.
- The cop immediately asked if he'd been drinking despite no signs of intoxication.
- The officer identified himself as a 'drug recognition expert,' which Tim finds absurd.
- The cop administered a pen-color test that Tim describes as not even a real sobriety test.
- Tim called the cop a scumbag to his passenger and then argued about freedom of speech when confronted.
- Cops bait people into saying something disrespectful so they can arrest them, Tim explains.
- When asked what he does for a living, Tim told the cop he's Gavin Newsom's personal assistant.
- Tim critiques police as abusive and belligerent, trying to trip people up rather than do real police work.
- He argues that cops like to arrest people specifically because it gives them power they wouldn't otherwise have.
- The LAPD is the most corrupt police force in the country and everything they touch becomes horrendous.
- 5 min
Nuclear War Over a Non-Binary Figure Skating Team
#Tim jokingly frames the Russia-Ukraine tension as being driven by Putin banning a non-binary Russian figure skating duo from the Olympics, riffing on wokeness as a pretext for war and NATO's encroachment on Russia.
9moments
- A non-binary Russian figure skating couple wants to compete in the Olympics, but Putin won't allow it.
- Tim suggests the U.S. might start a nuclear war with Russia over the non-binary athletes, joking this is the real reason for escalation.
- Glenn Greenwald made a point that wokeness is now used as a pretext for military intervention.
- Tim pivots to actual Ukraine crisis details: Russia won't invade but said that about Crimea, and has troops massed on the border.
- NATO is a military and political alliance; if Ukraine joins, it puts the organization right on Russia's doorstep.
- Florida National Guard soldiers have evacuated from Ukraine while the Ukrainian president says nothing will happen.
- Tim notes U.S. soldiers routinely sexually assault people in countries where they're stationed, then play dumb about complaints.
- He doesn't want Ukraine attacked but admits he sometimes wakes up uncertain about that position.
- On waking up, Tim confesses he sometimes thinks Ukraine maybe does deserve to get attacked.
UkraineVladimir PutinNATOFlorida National GuardGlenn Greenwald
- 1 min
Ambivalence About Ukraine, Like Picking Ice Cream Flavors
#Tim describes his flip-flopping feelings about whether Ukraine should be attacked, comparing his indecision to being unable to pick an ice cream flavor.
3moments
- Tim compares his ambivalence about Ukraine to the difficulty of picking an ice cream flavor — he doesn't want them attacked but also does.
- Bird Dogs shorts are so comfortable they feel like you're getting a happy ending massage all day long.
- Tim delivers a Bird Dogs advertisement, claiming the shorts are so good you don't even need to get laid anymore.
- 2 min
Tim reads a Bird Dogs shorts ad, riffing on how comfortable the shorts feel like nonstop masturbation, and jokes about the government testing them on pedophiles, before plugging the promo code and free whistle football.
6moments
- Tim jokes about having a thousand orgasms a day being grotesque, then pivots to Bird Dogs shorts providing just a nice little tickle.
- He received both wacky and conventional styles, finding it funny to wear goofy-looking underwear because it's unexpected.
- Tim points out how much fun people are having in colorful, playful Bird Dogs at the dojo.
- The government is testing Bird Dogs shorts on pedophiles to cure them because they're so comfortable on the inside.
- Promo code Tim Dylan at birddogs.com gets you a free whistle football with purchase.
- Tim argues that if you want to show your dick to people, Bird Dogs make it right there without another layer, and men's dicks should be more accessible.
- 1 min
Tim reads a straightforward BetterHelp ad about online therapy accessibility, pricing, and matching with therapists within 48 hours.
- 3 min
Tim discusses a news story about a rural New York town using untrained teenagers to drive ambulances due to a shortage of adult volunteers after COVID, joking about what it would be like to be a stoned teen EMT.
4moments
- Rural New York high school kids are being enlisted to drive ambulances because there's no one else available.
- Tim imagines being a stoned teenager responsible for operating an ambulance in an emergency.
- 35% of ambulance services in rural America are entirely volunteer-run, with 69% of them struggling to find workers.
- In the moment of a medical emergency, many people arriving to help you are doing it purely because they feel like it that day.
BetterHelphomelessnessrural ambulance services
- 7 min
Tim reacts to a news story about Bay Area officials recruiting homeowners to open spare bedrooms to homeless people and former inmates, riffing on the danger of housing strangers with mental illness or addiction and mocking the state's failure to use its own tax revenue.
10moments
- California asking homeowners to open their homes to nearly 30,000 unhoused people in the Bay Area.
- Tim describes the practicalities of housing someone potentially addicted to drugs and emotionally unstable in your spare bedroom.
- Homecoming Project recruits landlords to house formerly incarcerated people for $30 a day, with case managers to help them find work.
- Tim supports rehabilitation and employment for non-violent offenders but finds it absurd that California's only solution is asking citizens for spare rooms.
- Story of a Beverly Hills worker with the homeless who was followed home and stabbed to death by a homeless man.
- Tim notes that Zach Stein and his wife volunteered to house a struggling young woman for three months in their Albany home.
- The Steins inherited money and want to help others, but bringing people with mental illness and addiction into your house puts families at risk.
- Democrats have lost the narrative by pushing extreme ideas like asking homeowners to take in homeless people instead of focusing on core issues like healthcare.
- Most people aren't trained to deal with someone experiencing psychosis, and American households already contain people with mental illness issues.
- Tim jokes about wanting to program a homeless person brought into the home to do pranks on politicians like throwing bread at them.
CaliforniaGavin NewsomDemocratsBeverly HillshomelessnessThe Homecoming ProjectBay AreaBrentwood+1 more
- 4 min
Tim describes a Real Housewives franchise star charged with extortion, assault, and firing a gun during a domestic standoff, and uses the story as a tongue-in-cheek economic indicator that Bitcoin hasn't bottomed out yet.
7moments
- Real Housewives star faces felony charges after gun standoff at Newport Beach home
- Tim argues that Real Housewives cast members are mostly con artists and grifters living on cheap credit in unregulated industries
- Ryan Matthias Gerardi charged with extortion, assault with firearm, criminal threats, and spousal abuse
- Tim uses the standoff as an economic indicator: Bitcoin has not reached bottom when Real Housewives criminals are shooting guns in houses
- SWAT teams and road closures during Orange County standoff signal more blood in the water for crypto markets
- When grifters feel margin call squeeze, they take guns out of houses—a sign of economic collapse coming
- Gerardi forced his wife to buy him a BMW and shot a gun into the ceiling while she hid in the closet
- 2 min
Tim discusses Anthony Weiner returning to media with a radio show called 'Left vs Right' alongside Curtis Sliwa, noting how disgraces no longer disqualify people from platforms.
5moments
- Anthony Weiner is back hosting a radio show called Left First Right with Curtis Sliwa
- Weiner's husband of Huma Abedin, Hillary Clinton's campaign vice chair, was convicted for sexting a minor
- Weiner tells the New York Post his radio show isn't part of a comeback plan and he's not returning to public life
- Media outlets don't care about people's disgraces as long as they fit the left-versus-right debate format
- Tim imagines a Left First Right debate pairing Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Epstein to illustrate the show's mindlessness
Anthony WeinerLeft First RightHuma AbedinCurtis SliwaHillary ClintonEric Adams
- 4 min
Skipping the Super Bowl Halftime Show at David Dobrik's House
#Tim recounts briefly visiting David Dobrik's house during the Super Bowl, riffing on the modern LA real estate aesthetic he finds distasteful, David's nationality, and his mixed feelings about the Eminem/Dr. Dre halftime show.
5moments
- Tim skipped the Super Bowl halftime show to go to David Dobrik's house for about an hour
- He has a burden of taste that makes it hard for him to appreciate modern LA homes, which he sees as grotesque doctors offices
- Dobrik does a lot of tours of his home, but Tim won't participate in that kind of segment
- Dobrik is Serbian or Slovakian, not Canadian, but there was no Slovakian food at the house despite people forgetting their heritage when they come to LA
- Watching middle-aged white women dancing to the halftime show music makes it less fun, like seeing old heifers at junior prom
- 2 min
Tim reads an ad for Raycon earbuds, touting battery life, price, awareness mode, and fit, and gives the promo code for 15% off.
4moments
- Tim says Raycon earbuds are less expensive than competitors and have great battery life with eight hours of playtime and 32 hours total.
- People lose their earbuds constantly, making Raycons a practical gift that will keep them happy even after they damage their current pair.
- Raycon earbuds have awareness mode for safety while jogging and a perfect in-ear fit that won't budge.
- Tim Dillon Show listeners can use buyraycon.com/tim for 15 percent off their order.
- 2 min
A DraftKings Sportsbook ad promoting Super Bowl 56 betting odds, promo codes, and responsible gambling resources.
4moments
- DraftKings offering 56-to-1 odds on either Super Bowl team with a five-dollar bet for 280 in free bets if your team wins.
- DraftKings Sportsbook now live in New York, making it available in nearly a third of the country.
- New daily fantasy football customers can get a free shot at a one-million-dollar top prize with their first deposit.
- Use promo code Tim Dylan to get the 56-to-1 odds offer at DraftKings Sportsbook.
DraftKings SportsbookSuper Bowl 56
- 5 min
Tim mocks Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot's claim that remote learning during COVID caused a rise in teen carjacking, and the teachers union's furious response accusing her of scapegoating students.
8moments
- Lightfoot blames remote learning for carjacking wave in Chicago
- Teachers union calls the claim intellectually unsound and politically venal
- Tim on the logic: kids at home get bored, so they steal cars
- Maybe teachers should make Zoom lessons more compelling instead of phoning it in
- Chicago Public Schools demand an apology, say Lightfoot is scapegoating Black and Brown students
- Tim says he'll miss Lightfoot when she retires or gets indicted
- Lightfoot tied to shooting incident in Austin, Texas requiring response
- Tim's favorite things converging: corrupt Chicago mayor and violent Austin hellscape intersecting
Lori LightfootAustinKim FoxChicago
- 1 min
Tim finds and reacts to a story tying Lightfoot and a Chicago prosecutor to a gang-related shooting case connected to Austin, Texas, marveling at the coincidental crossover of his two favorite targets.
1moment
- Tim on Lightfoot's efforts to address crime: she's doing what she can here
- 7 min
Tim reads breaking Drudge Report headlines about Russian troop buildups and riffs that the media needs a war narrative now that COVID and the Olympics no longer hold attention, suggesting a 90-day news blackout so people can recover interest in anything.
12moments
- Tim claims the Russia-Ukraine situation is mainly a U.S. media frenzy rather than an imminent invasion.
- Nobody cares about the Olympics anymore, so the media needed a war to keep people engaged in the news cycle.
- Hypothetical: what if Spotify signed Vladimir Putin to an exclusive podcast deal instead of him invading Ukraine?
- People have stopped caring about anything after two years of being forced to care too much about everything.
- Tim proposes the news should go dark for 90 days so people can regain curiosity, then return with updates like Ukraine's outcome.
- Everyone is disconnected and bored; conversations have become an exercise in meaningless, banal nonsense.
- The vaccine mandates will eventually expire and get defeated in courts because people simply don't care anymore.
- Russia can tell its people to tighten their belts during sanctions, unlike America where everyone lives beyond their means.
- Tim admits he changes his mind every day about whether Ukraine should be attacked—constantly flip-flopping in Ubers.
- If the invasion threat is fake media hype, then Western scaremongering is tanking Ukraine's economy unfairly.
- Tim sarcastically argues nuclear war is justified to protect non-binary Russian athletes from Olympic discrimination.
- Everyone must live happily and peacefully, which is why nuclear war is necessary—the logic is quite simple.
- 4 min
Tim jokes about a photo of an elderly Ukrainian woman training with civilians for weapons use, comparing her to Betty White and questioning Ukraine's odds, then speculates the whole narrative around Ukrainian nationalists might be manufactured.
10moments
- Tim sees an 80-year-old Ukrainian woman training with an AK-47 and puts his money on Russia to win.
- The woman looks like Betty White with a Kalashnikov, which Tim doubts will stop Russian troops.
- Tim interprets the photo as the woman defending trans people against Russian misgendering, framing it as justification for nuclear war.
- Tim poses a rhetorical question to gay Russians: would you prefer sanctions and starvation, or nuclear annihilation?
- The Ukrainian nationalist rhetoric and trans-rights angle smell like a false flag operation to Tim.
- Tim suggests the U.S. is sending Minecraft kids to pretend to be Ukrainian nationalists and provoke Russia into military action.
- There are only six Ukrainian nationalists total, which Tim identifies as proof this is some kind of operation.
- The elderly woman with a gun is being used to shape a narrative that civilians will fight for Ukraine with weapons.
- Tim questions who actually wants this war—Russia, the U.S., England—with Ukraine's citizens bearing the cost.
- Ukraine's economy is being destroyed regardless, and Tim won't predict whether Putin invades.
nuclear warUkraineRussiaBetty WhiteMoscowSt. Petersburg
- 2 min
Tim announces he's in the process of buying a house on the East Coast and plans a temporary summer studio there for July and August, joking about beach-themed set decor.
3moments
- Tim is in the process of purchasing a home on the East Coast and planning to set up a temporary studio there for July and August.
- The summer studio setup will include umbrellas and large cacti for decor, with possible consideration of an animatronic shark.
- Tim wants to install those light-up pictures in the East Coast studio but will also continue recording episodes from the current Beverly Austin location.
- 2 min
Imagining Lightfoot Blaming Ukrainian Nationalists for Crime
#Tim riffs on a hypothetical where Lori Lightfoot ties Chicago carjacking to Ukrainian nationalism and declares solidarity with Putin, tying back into his earlier bits.
3moments
- Tim imagines Mayor Lori Lightfoot attributing Chicago's carjacking rise to violent Ukrainian nationalism and Putin's terrorist threat.
- He declares solidarity with Vladimir Putin in fighting Ukrainian nationalist car thieves allegedly operating in Chicago.
- Tim announces upcoming tour dates across Tampa, Orlando, San Antonio, Portland, Providence, Albany, Concord, Toronto, Baltimore, Philadelphia, Nashville, Denver, Glasgow, Dublin, and London.
- 1 min
Tim lists upcoming tour dates across the US and UK, mentions shooting a special, and describes winding down touring to focus on the podcast schedule.
3moments
- Tim announces plans to spend time with family at Disney World after wrapping up his special.
- No road touring planned for spring and summer to reduce the strain of balancing live performances with weekly podcast production.
- The focus shifts to making the show great, potentially from a new studio on the East Coast.
- 2 min
Sign-Off: Merch, NFTs, and Cops on the Way Home
#Tim closes with jokes about merch and NFTs still being in the works, then riffs on the earlier cop encounter, joking that there are only two options when dealing with police: comply completely or kill them.
5moments
- Tickets available at timlincomedy.com
- NFT drop planned but not yet available
- Don't drive through Beverly Hills drunk or sober around cops
- Cop seemed to be baiting him to get him to say something during traffic stop
- Officer circled back repeatedly asking if Tim wanted to say something to his face