Episode 285 · The Ben Avery Era
#285 - Tim Dillon VS Substack | The Tim Dillon Show
Jan 29, 2022 · 1:08:25 · 534,000 views · 34 segments, 175 moments indexed
Yannis Pappas joins us this week to discuss Jordan Peterson's recent appearance on Rogan, an interesting dinner with the founders of Substack, and what to do with the accused in Hollywood.
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- 1 min
Cold Open: Vax Card Mandate Bit
#Tim jokes that the show is late because of a fake in-studio vaccine mandate, riffing on masks, boosters, and antibodies as "mini rogans."
5moments
- Tim opens the show apologizing for being four days late due to an LA vax card mandate requirement.
- The studio imposed restrictions requiring vaccination and double boosting, which Tim notes aren't even legally required.
- Tim tried to sneak ivermectin in but it was confiscated under the studio's vax-only policy.
- Tim catalogs the escalating safety theater: face shields and masks over every orifice to prolong life at all costs.
- Tim insists they'll defeat COVID with antibodies, which he describes as tiny little mini Rogans fighting back in the body.
- 2 min
Birthday Cold Sandwiches from Michael
#Tim recounts his birthday and how his friend Michael sent a room-service tray of cold Italian subs and charcuterie that sat for hours, and complains about hollow "happy birthday" texts from people he barely talks to.
4moments
- Tim had a birthday recently and realized birthdays are annoying and shouldn't be celebrated.
- His friend Michael ordered Italian subs, charcuterie, and chicken parmesan to his hotel room in New York — after Louie Anderson and Meatloaf both died.
- Tim spent the whole day out, came back to find only cold food Michael had sent, delivered by 'this junkie.'
- Giannis reveals he didn't even know it was Tim's birthday — which Tim identifies as the mark of a real friend.
Friend of the showLouie AndersonMeat LoafYannis Pappas
- 1 min
Bert Kreischer's Birthday Marketing Genius
#Tim praises Bert Kreischer as the best marketer in comedy for turning birthday wishes into promotional content, contrasting it with sincere but unmonetized gestures.
3moments
- Tim learns the business rule: if you're wishing someone a happy birthday, plug your own dates at the end.
- Bert Christopher taught him a one-two lesson on turning birthday wishes into content.
- His approach: if his daughter has a period, he goes on Instagram Live to market something.
Bert KreischerJoel
- 2 min
Michelle's Re-Gifted Tiny Sweater
#Tim describes his friend Michelle giving him a re-gifted sweater three sizes too small and insisting he'd fit it if he jogged, framing her as a sincere, self-deceiving liar.
5moments
- Tim on getting older and realizing you're dying, and birthday wishes being a kind of passive-aggressive death countdown.
- Finding cold chafing dishes from a fireman's retirement party in your hotel room and having to call the front desk to remove them.
- Tim argues it's never the thought that counts—it's a lie.
- Michelle is the type of liar who believes her own lies—she convinced herself the unwanted gift was meant for Tim.
- Michelle claimed Tim would fit the sweater if he jogged, leading to Tim's bit about jogging, getting hit by a bus, and being reincarnated still unable to fit into it.
- 1 min
- 5 min
The Substack Pitch Meeting: $20 Million or Nothing
#Tim details being courted by Substack to leave Patreon and YouTube entirely for free, name-dropping Bari Weiss and the Comedy Store show, and recounts throwing out a $20 million price tag that stunned the rep.
11moments
- Substack journalists can't get published in mainstream news because it's corporate-sponsored propaganda.
- Barry Weiss came to the Comedy Store show where Tim did 30 minutes about Israel.
- Substack founder wanted to meet with Tim and asked him to jump from Patreon to their platform for free.
- Tim told them his price: $20 million dollars to leave YouTube and Patreon.
- Substack wanted Tim to sit down with the founder because they were looking to do more with content.
- The meeting wasn't a serious signing—Tim brought a friend along casually, like two people walking by a restaurant.
- They had to change tables because the reservation was for four and Tim brought someone unexpected.
- Tim and his friend made clear they weren't moving the operation to Substack for no money.
- Substack asked Tim to do it for reasons other than financial—he refused.
- Tim would only consider it if they paid him significantly and his fans kept the same Patreon deal.
- Substack thought Tim would want to be buddies and delete Patreon with him on the spot.
Bari WeissPatreonSubstackmainstream newssubset journalists
- 3 min
Walking Out on the Substack Founders Mid-Dinner
#Tim and Giannis re-enact the dinner where Substack execs kept insisting email lists were their big advantage, and Tim describes standing up and leaving mid-sentence.
6moments
- Tim pitches deleting his YouTube and Patreon during dinner, claiming he wants to do it for the culture and the cause.
- Substack founders reassure him they don't want to own him, then pivot to explaining their email feature as a key advantage.
- Tim acknowledges respecting the Substack model for journalists like Andrew Sullivan and Glenn Greenwald, but accuses the founders of just replicating what Patreon already does.
- The founders repeatedly emphasize their email capability as if it's a revolutionary feature, defending it against his skepticism.
- The meeting ends up much shorter than the Substack founders expected.
- Tim stands up and walks out mid-sentence during the dinner without explanation.
PatreonAndrew SullivanBari WeissGlenn GreenwaldMatt TaibbiSubstack
- 1 min
Kidnapping Victim Analogy for the Substack Guy
#Tim compares the Australian Substack rep's desperate hopefulness during the meeting to a kidnapping victim pleading for her life.
5moments
- Tim describes one of the guys turning red repeatedly during the conversation, like he was on a date with a crush.
- The absurdity of disrupting an entire operation to move to another platform, even if money is involved.
- Tim compares the pitch to how Elon Musk supposedly got started — someone asking to move the operation and make them big instead.
- The guy asks Tim if he's jazzed about the opportunity; Tim says no.
- Tim's logic: he's willing to move only if offered three times what he's currently making, because otherwise there's no reason to change anything that works.
- 2 min
Australians Are Lazy Wombats
#Tim riffs on his ongoing feud with Australians over comments he made during COVID lockdowns, calling them lazy criminals and wombats who don't work.
4moments
- Tim's take on quarantine lockdowns: Australians were lazy criminals who wanted to drink in their backyards and didn't value rights.
- The vast majority of people living in Australia are wombats.
- Tim gets death threats about his Australian material and receives invitations to tour there, which he finds contradictory.
- The Australian guest on the show reminded Tim of a kidnapped girl trying to appease her captor, with diminishing hope of survival.
AustraliaAustralians
- 3 min
Tim reads and reacts to a Right Wing Watch article about QAnon influencers and anti-vax figures like Mercola flocking to Substack, mocking the outrage and defending it as a private subscription club.
7moments
- Tim sees the Right Wing Watch article about QAnon on Substack and immediately dismisses the source.
- Tim argues QAnon believers have better imaginations than anti-vaxxers and deserve credit for their commitment to the theory.
- QAnon followers waiting for JFK Jr. to return at Dealey Plaza represents genuine fun compared to what other ideological groups experience.
- Joseph Mercola is using Substack to republish content he deemed too controversial for his own website, including false COVID-19 cures.
- Tim compares Mercola's bleach-inhalation cure to a desperate alcoholic looking under the sink when out of real bottles.
- Adults paying to subscribe for content they want is not a public-facing problem like a Super Bowl commercial.
- Substack is a private club where people pay to enter, so Right Wing Watch should focus on actual private organizations like Bohemian Grove or Skull and Bones.
Right Wing WatchMercolaQAnonJFK Jr.SubstackRobert Malone
- 1 min
The Better Substack Pitch: Alex Jones Crossover
#Tim imagines how Substack should have pitched him — as a safe haven to go full conspiracy — and riffs on QAnon influencer names.
3moments
- Tim critiques how the Substack pitch could have been more effective — they should have told him they'd have his back if he ever loses it and goes hard right.
- The better approach would be telling him it's only a matter of time before he degenerates and turns that corner, offering the platform as a safe place for his future rants.
- Whatever scrambled brain he has in the future will have a home on Substack — that at least would have been an actual pitch.
SubstackJordan SatherTechnofog
- 2 min
Pitching a Show With Alex Jones Called 'Sandy Hook Question Mark'
#Tim jokes he should have told the Substack founders he'd do it for free if he got to co-host a crisis-actor conspiracy show with Alex Jones, imagining crisis actor casting calls.
4moments
- Tim pitches to MSNBC producers: his show would be him and Alex Jones going over Sandy Hook evidence.
- The show concept is called 'Sandy Hook Question Mark' where Tim and Alex Jones present their 'evidence' of crisis actors.
- Tim admits he's seen auditions in Backstage magazine for people wanting to portray shooting victims, which he finds genuinely weird.
- At the end of the MSNBC dinner, the hosts said 'let's keep talking' — which Tim now reads as a polite brush-off.
- 1 min
Tote Bags, Mugs, and Barry Weiss's Antisemitism Phone Test
#Tim mocks the idea that Substack offered swag instead of money, and jokes that every new subscriber supposedly gets vetted by Bari Weiss for antisemitism.
3moments
- Tim questions what the point would be of the deal if not for money.
- The platform's pitch centered on centralizing content that's already spread across YouTube and Patreon.
- Every new subscriber has to be interviewed by Barry Weiss over the phone to determine whether they're antisemitic.
- 2 min
Tim reads the Box of Awesome sponsorship, describing the surprise grooming/outdoors box and joking about a knife item and sending it to a kid who moved away.
6moments
- Tim has been doing Box of Awesome ads for 40 years on the show because it's fun to open and contains $70 worth of gear for $45.
- The subscription works as a gift for someone going away to college or moving to a new city, arriving every month.
- Tim received a knife in his box and jokes that his kid better keep it because of crime in the city where they chose to live.
- He insists the knife will be useful despite the kid dismissing his warnings about the neighborhood getting worse.
- Box of Awesome releases new boxes monthly across different categories, costs $45 for $70 of merchandise, and supports small businesses.
- Discount code: tim dillon at boxofawesome.com for 20% off the first box.
- 1 min
Tim lists the odd winter items he got in his Box of Awesome — hatchet, candle, cigar cutter — comparing it to a game of Clue.
2moments
- Tim describes his Box of Awesome winter items, which included a hatchet, headphones, mittens, and a pipe.
- The assortment felt random enough to be like a game of Clue, complete with a bird's wing.
- 1 min
Tim reads the BetterHelp online therapy sponsorship, describing the service's convenience and discount code.
- 2 min
Bitcoin Crash and Odell Beckham Jr.'s Salary Loss
#Tim and Giannis discuss the crypto downturn, joking about Odell Beckham Jr. taking his Rams salary in Bitcoin and losing most of its value, and Tim's own single Bitcoin holding.
5moments
- Odell Beckham Jr. took his entire $1 million Rams salary in bitcoin.
- After Bitcoin's dip and agent/lawyer fees, his salary is now worth $34,000.
- Tim won't invest in bitcoin until there's a physical way to hold it—he needs something to throw at strip clubs.
- He can't tell strippers bitcoin is the future and expect them to accept it as payment.
- Tim owns one bitcoin and watches it fluctuate in value.
BitcoinOdell Beckham Jr.
- 1 min
Bitcoin Energy Use vs. Whitney Cummings' Texts
#A tangent about Bitcoin's energy consumption spirals into a joke about how decoding Whitney Cummings' texts takes more energy than anything.
4moments
- Tim questions whether bitcoin mining's energy consumption allows places like Madagascar to have electricity
- He argues bitcoin doesn't take more energy than other things, like hopping on planes whenever you want
- Deciphering a text from Whitney Cummings takes more energy than bitcoin mining
- She urinates outside to mark her territory so coyotes know another animal is claiming the ground
- 1 min
Whitney Cummings Pees on Her Lawn Like a Dog
#Tim tells a story about staying at Whitney Cummings' house and watching her squat and urinate on her lawn to "teach" her puppy, calling it the real QAnon conspiracy.
6moments
- Tim describes Whitney Cummings squatting and peeing on her lawn to teach her baby pit bull how to pee.
- Dogs pee when they need to, not because they watched a human demonstrate it outside.
- The real QAnon is just Whitney peeing on her lawn, not Hollywood sex parties or blood-drinking conspiracies.
- Tim checked John Stamos's basement for an adrenochrome bar and found nothing.
- Tom Hanks was the big one in the conspiracy theories, not Chrissy Teigen.
- If someone's allegedly running a human trafficking ring, they should at least be talented.
Tom HanksChrissy TeigenJohn Stamos
- 2 min
Checking Stamos and Chrissy Teigen's Basements for Adrenochrome
#Tim jokes about checking celebrity friends' houses for QAnon-style secret conspiracies, dismissing Chrissy Teigen as not important enough, before pivoting into thoughts on Woody Allen.
7moments
- Tim drove by Woody Allen's place on the Upper East Side while staying in New York.
- Woody Allen at 86 is making his 50th feature film, which is being released on Louis C.K.'s website.
- On Woody Allen and Mia Farrow: he's probably guilty, she's definitely guilty, put them both in jail.
- Mia Farrow adopted an entire Taiwanese village, bringing Thailand to Woody so he doesn't have to get on a plane.
- Tim wrestles with being a New Yorker, Woody Allen fan, and parent who cares about children while processing the allegations.
- Many of the people held in high esteem are turning out to be abusers—the revelation that celebrities 'cooked children in a pot.'
- This pattern of discovering respected figures were predators is becoming a common theme in cultural conversations.
- 3 min
Woody Allen, Dylan Farrow, and the MeToo Island Proposal
#Tim wrestles with the Woody Allen allegations, proposes turning Little St. James into a "MeToo Island" where disgraced talents like Cosby, Louis CK, and Woody could keep making art in captivity, and argues for separating art from artist.
10moments
- Separating art from the artist means taking away Woody Allen's movies, which punishes us, not him.
- Tim proposes converting Epstein Island into a MeToo island where accused artists live in exile but continue making work streamed to audiences.
- The MeToo island comedy tour lineup: Cosby closing, Louis C.K. performing, D'Elia opening—a full bill of accused comedians.
- They're white-collar criminals on a tropical island jail where they need cantaloupe to preserve their creativity.
- Removing all people who've said wrong things, had bad relationships, or been addicts leaves you with homogenous, boring art nobody likes.
- Bad art comes from bureaucrats and office politics types trying to be comedians and filmmakers—people who don't understand the human condition.
- A disclaimer before the movie stating it's made by a pedophile could solve the problem while letting audiences decide whether to watch.
- Imagining a Marvel movie with an on-screen disclaimer: 'This movie's made by a pedophile'—testing whether audiences actually leave theaters.
- Someone in the theater would yell back at the screen about separating the art from the artist rather than walk out.
- James Gunn made a Galaxy movie despite having old tweets and jokes—but removing him would be a genuine loss.
Bill CosbyLouis C.K.Woody AllenEpstein IslandChris D'EliaJames GunnJoe List
- 2 min
Trading Marv Albert for a Real Offender
#Tim jokes about swapping out lesser offenders like Marv Albert for people accused of worse things, and defends Chris D'Elia as unclear/unproven.
4moments
- Tim proposes a trade: give back Woody Allen for Marv Albert, the Knicks announcer who bit prostitutes repeatedly.
- Marv Albert retired with grace after biting women for years, facing no real consequences.
- The deal: hand over Marv Albert as proof of what he did, get a funny person back instead of Woody Allen.
- Comedy fans need funny people—they'll keep watch on him, but the trade makes sense.
Marv AlbertWoody Allen
- 3 min
Dr. Robert Malone and Jordan Peterson's Rogan Looks
#Tim jokes about trusting Dr. Robert Malone's bolo tie and riffs on Jordan Peterson's odd Rogan appearance outfit, likening Peterson to an angry maitre d' screaming about climate change.
6moments
- Tim heard Jordan Peterson directed a high school production of Rent and people got angry at him.
- Tim says he'll only trust what Dr. Robert Malone tells him about what actually happened to various people.
- Nothing instills confidence in a doctor quite like a bolo tie, Tim notes about Malone's appearance on Rogan.
- Peterson looks like he's in his almost final form right now, like a Batman villain.
- Tim does an impression of Peterson as a frustrated restaurant host arguing with a customer about table assignment and eggplant rollatini while discussing Marxism and the Pareto principle.
- Rogan needs a new guy; they need a fresh professor from a small college nobody's heard of, not Peterson again.
- 4 min
Inventing the Next Renegade Professor: Dr. Eric Von Schlossberg
#Tim and Giannis riff on manufacturing the next Rogan-style contrarian professor from an obscure small college, complete with a viral video of him being attacked by activists, and reference Chris Hedges' booed Iraq War speech.
7moments
- Tim outlines the formula for creating a viral "renegade professor" scandal: a small college, students attacking the professor on video, burning his books, pushing his car around.
- The character: Dr. Eric Von Schlossberg from Greenfield College in Wisconsin, a gym teacher with a degree in exercise science who talks about unrelated academic topics.
- Tim describes a sketch idea where a young professor meets his mentor to thank him, only for the mentor to ask if he can get on Logan Paul's Impulsive podcast instead of discussing his research.
- The mentor's actual theory is simply "not being broke," prioritizing getting his numbers up over legitimate academic work.
- Tim identifies the "renegade professor" as a new archetype, contrasting modern versions with Vietnam War protesters who actually had substantive causes.
- Chris Hedges gave a legitimate speech opposing the Iraq War, got booed, and was fired from the New York Times for it.
- Tim jokes that if Hedges had a Substack instead, he'd get six "bends" or income sources instead of being fired.
- 2 min
Tim reads the Bird Dog joggers sponsorship, praising the sweatpants and joking about a free promotional football.
7moments
- Tim asks where the Iraqi commencement speech took place.
- New York Times fired a professor after he spoke out, which Tim notes happens frequently to academics with certain causes.
- Chris Hedges, a New York Times reporter, was booed off stage and had his microphone cut twice while delivering a graduation speech on war and empire at Rockford College.
- Tim pivots to Bird Dog joggers, describing them as the most comfortable sweatpants with a built-in silky-soft inner liner.
- Bird Dog joggers are better sweatpants than Lululemon, which Tim says poached their head of design.
- Promo code tim dillon at birddogs.com includes a free whistle tip football.
- The joggers are good for dads on Long Island who want to take their kids outside and throw the football around.
- 1 min
Tim continues the Bird Dogs riff, joking about wearing them on the couch while rewatching Capitol riot footage.
3moments
- Bird Dogs promo: use code TIM DILLON to get a football so you and your kids can throw the ball around on the one day you're legally allowed to see them.
- Tim pitches Bird Dogs joggy sweatpants as ideal attire for watching the Capitol riot footage over and over.
- Bird Dogs stole Lululemon's head of design.
- 3 min
Tim reads the Freshly sponsorship, joking about hating cooking and inventing a bit about being too busy helping flood victims to cook.
6moments
- Tim argues that people who cook are soulless, especially in New York City where it's all about going out.
- He claims he was so busy relocating flood victims that he couldn't eat, and Freshly came through in a pinch.
- Handing leftover Freshly meals to flood victims didn't work because they were more concerned about their homes than food.
- Tim tells listeners they're fat slobs because they don't make the right food choices, and Freshly removes decision-making from their lives.
- Companies spend millions on marketing to trick people into thinking unhealthy food is actually healthy.
- Freshly meals are done when finished—you don't go back for seconds or order from PostMates afterward.
- 1 min
American University's CIA and Chemical Warfare History
#Tim talks about attending American University in DC and jokes about the school's ties to CIA recruitment and WWI chemical warfare research.
4moments
- American University in Washington DC is the biggest breeding ground for CIA agents.
- The McKinley building at AU is where they invented chemical warfare during World War One.
- CIA recruits from DC schools like Georgetown — mostly rich kids, including some prince's son in a purple Lamborghini studying sociology.
- Los Angeles has the same dynamic except the wealthy international students aren't in school, just driving Lamborghinis and posting on TikTok.
- 3 min
Harry and Meghan's Calculated Royal Exit
#Tim and Giannis argue over whether Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's split from the royal family was a plotted PR move, joking about their Netflix deal and the royal family's history.
10moments
- Harry marrying outside the royal gene pool was a no-no; he should have been excommunicated.
- Royal babies get thrown out if they're born deformed, but Meghan Markle came in from Hollywood anyway.
- The whole thing is clearly a plotted scheme—she knew the royal family was racist.
- Tim notes they moved to LA, got a Netflix deal, and picked the country with no racism to escape to.
- Everything now is just being famous to whatever degree you can and appearing to be good.
- They went counter-culture on the royal family and kicked it up a level.
- The only thing anyone cares about is whether the story is good, and this is a great story.
- Meghan Markle wants to move the needle and be a mover and shaker in a way she couldn't living in rainy Britain.
- Tim asks whose grandmother isn't racist and challenges the uniqueness of their narrative.
- Despite the setup, getting a Netflix deal is smart and good for her.
- 3 min
Tim plays and reacts to a news clip about a Texas teacher placed on leave after a viral video of her venting that her students are morons, defending her venting as normal teacher behavior.
7moments
- Teacher at Lamar CISD placed on leave after viral video of her ranting about students being "complete and utter morons"
- In the recording, she tells students she'd hurt herself if forced to keep coming to the school
- Teacher says she wouldn't help students if they fell in a river, describing them as "so awful"
- Union representative acknowledges pandemic stress but suggests the teacher should take a break from the job
- Tim compares the teacher blowing off steam on camera to recording him yelling at his wife—just venting, not a reflection of actual feelings
- Kids in Texas schools are genuinely dumb compared to Chinese students who play violin
- Every teacher in America says the same things in private—this is a universal complaint among educators with dumb students
Lamar CISDAmerican Federation of Teachers
- 3 min
Fake Austin Tourism Ad Bit
#Tim performs an over-the-top, saccharine fake tourism ad praising Austin, Texas as peaceful and crime-free, piling on ironic superlatives.
7moments
- Anyone mentioning grace is a signal to check their credit card statements for motel charges.
- Tim plays a fake Austin tourism video describing the city as relaxed, peaceful, and cerebral with no crime.
- The video claims you always feel safe in downtown Austin, unlike New York where people get pushed into subway tracks.
- Texas figured out how to have a place without any crime where families walk around at night feeling completely safe.
- The speaker was shocked to see full families and generations window shopping and going to clubs at 10-11 p.m.
- Tim reads a section about having meaningful conversations with strangers and the friendliness of Austin residents.
- The video concludes that Austin feels like a peaceful music festival every night celebrating the act of being alive.
- 3 min
Giannis explains getting a YouTube strike (partially rescinded after Joe Rogan's support) for a joke about moving Gay Pride parade timing, and discusses a second flagged episode about Justin Bieber's leaked video.
6moments
- Giannis's YouTube channel got flagged for content about gay people.
- Tim reads the exact joke: "We support gay rights but could we please move the gay parade tonight so I could explain gay rights to my daughter without having to see your [expletive] before 12 noon."
- YouTube gave Giannis a strike, then rescinded it after Joe Rogan's intervention went viral.
- YouTube took down two full episodes; the other one was about Justin Bieber's N-word video.
- Tim argues YouTube doesn't make itself look good by taking things out of context and censoring content creators.
- Giannis jokes he's moving to Web3 and tokenizing everything because he doesn't care about Web 2.
- 1 min
Tim runs through his upcoming tour dates across multiple cities and Giannis promotes his own tour dates and podcast.
2moments
- Tickets aren't selling in Portland Maine because every man there has a vagina.
- Ryman in Nashville scheduled for March, then he's done with touring for four or five months.
- 3 min
Closing Riff: Finding the Next Professor and Schedule Change
#Tim jokes further about finding the fictional "Dr. Eric Von Schlossberg" professor character, discusses possibly moving the show back to Saturday releases, and signs off directing fans to his website.
5moments
- Tim jokes about finding and breaking the next professor guest.
- Tim announces upcoming tour dates at smaller, intimate rooms across North America.
- Show schedule changing back to Saturday nights after the tour winds down.
- Tim explains the original Saturday night slot at midnight Eastern worked better for audience and release timing.
- Closing plugs for Tim's website and exclusive content distribution.