Episode 279 · The Ben Avery Era
#279 - Flashmob Omicron Morning Star Bear | The Tim Dillon Show
Nov 30, 2021 · 1:08:59 · 601,000 views · 30 segments, 160 moments indexed
Tim discusses the flash mobs at Louis Vuitton and Nordstroms, a woman self named "Morning Star Bear", and why Austin, Texas may be the most expensive city in the United States.
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- 1 min
Cold Open: Audio Episodes Deserve Better Than YouTube
#Tim complains that his audio-only episodes get fewer YouTube views than video episodes despite being some of his best work, arguing the show is meant to be audio and that visual culture punishes good audio content.
2moments
- Tim laments that audio-only episodes of the show underperform on YouTube despite being some of his best content.
- Tim argues the episodes work better as pure audio and that video formatting feels forced.
- 1 min
He introduces a New York Times article about Austin becoming one of the least affordable cities in America, joking about it being his favorite city and setting up a long riff on the piece.
2moments
- His last episode, recorded from a car driving through Texas, works better than many video episodes despite not being a video medium.
- New York Times piece on Austin becoming one of the least affordable cities in America — Tim's favorite city.
- 3 min
Reading through the article's stats on Austin's growth, he mocks the influx of new residents, jokes about comedians moving in, and rips into gentrifiers who move into historically Black and Latino neighborhoods while posting progressive politics online.
7moments
- Austin receives 180 new residents a day, creating a housing crisis.
- Tim jokes that 60 of the 180 new arrivals are comedians.
- The transformation amounts to a massive gentrification project in the city.
- White people and white women are moving to historically Black and Latino neighborhoods for skyline views.
- Tim claims he has never displaced anyone in any city he's moved to.
- Comedy peers with progressive opinions online live in gentrified historically Black and Latino neighborhoods.
- They tweet Black Lives Matter from rooms where Black families used to live—a contradiction Tim identifies.
gentrificationAustinEast AustinMontopolisGoogle
- 2 min
The Rat Toast Roommate in Flatbush
#Tim clarifies he's never gentrified anything, then tells the story of briefly living in Flatbush Brooklyn with a paranoid roommate who hid the garbage from rats and nibbled the same corner of toast every day, ending in a screaming fight over his security deposit.
6moments
- Tim lived for two months in Flatbush with a crazy woman who had no garbage can because she was terrified of rats.
- The roommate would tie garbage bags to the kitchen door to keep rats out, convinced she'd seen one in the apartment.
- Every day she took three bites from the northeastern corner of a piece of toast and put it back in the refrigerator—like a rat would do.
- Tim and the roommate had a falling out; she wanted him to leave but he demanded his security deposit back.
- She claimed that's not how security deposits work, but Tim insisted it was and forced her to return it.
- Tim screamed at her in the drug store, calling her an animal to embarrass her as he left with the $750 check.
- 2 min
Why the Suburbs Beat the City
#He riffs on preferring the suburbs to cities, joking that city people are desperate to share their half-baked ideas while suburbanites just quietly get takeout and stuff their feelings down with food.
6moments
- Tim has never lived in a gentrifying area and dislikes the energy of trendy neighborhoods.
- The aesthetic of gentrifying areas is white women with gang art, which doesn't appeal to him.
- Cities are hellish; suburbs are nicer with more space and fewer people imposing their ideas.
- Suburb dwellers tell you to shut up and get takeout instead of assaulting you with their ideas.
- When something comes up you believe in, stuff it down with food like a calzone before it comes out.
- City people with three roommates at 40 figured it all out and are always trying to tell you what they know.
- 4 min
Continuing the Austin article, he reads about the Cactus Rose mobile home park being demolished for luxury apartments and blames Elon Musk and Joe Rogan for hyping the Austin migration that displaced longtime residents.
7moments
- Francisco Nunez lived at Cactus Rose Mobile Home Park for nearly two decades until developers bought it to build luxury apartments renting for double his old price.
- Austin's metro area is on track to become the least affordable major metro region for home buyers outside California by year's end, already surpassing Boston, Miami, and New York.
- Tim reads Twitter posts celebrating that they've turned Austin into a shittier LA, thanking Elon Musk, Joe Rogan, and Google for the transformation.
- Elon moves to Austin, Joe Rogan promotes it as the world's biggest comedy scene, and then residents get kicked out of their mobile homes to make way for high rises filled with demons.
- The article's claim that UT has a flagship campus is utterly meaningless and the phrase gentle rolling hills is gibberish for stupid people.
- Austin has no vibrant music scene, literally none, despite what the article claims.
- The solution to the housing crisis is to build affordable housing for the displaced low-income Black and Latino residents being pushed away from cultural centers and transportation hubs.
Elon MuskJoe RoganGoogleAustinCactus Rose mobile home parkFrancisco NunezJob Hammond
- 1 min
The 'Affordable Housing Is Coming' Bit
#He does an extended bit mocking the empty promise that 'affordable housing is coming' as a magic phrase Austin transplants use to dismiss any concern about displacement.
4moments
- Tim argues that saying 'they should build affordable housing' is a conversation-ender used to dodge any concern.
- He does a bit where locals repeat 'affordable housing is coming' as a mantra to calm fears about development.
- Tim explains the promise: they'll build housing for regular people but charge them less for it.
- His actual recommendation: don't move to Austin, Texas at all.
- 3 min
Tim says he can't find Austin's supposed vibrant music scene and instead googles a string of local shooting headlines, joking that the 'live music capital of the world' is really just gunfire, and brings up Charles Whitman's UT clock tower shooting.
6moments
- Tim doesn't live in Austin but has walked around the city and can't figure out what people mean by its vibrant music scene.
- The only thing Austin has is shootings—if you're into shootings, google Austin Texas shooting.
- Tim reads multiple news headlines about shootings across Austin's entertainment district, UT campus, and residential areas.
- Austin is the live shooting capital of the world—more reason to visit than the actual music.
- Maybe people confuse gunshots for snare drums when they call it the live music capital of the world.
- Charles Whitman had an early start with the famous mass shooting from the UT clock tower, giving Austin a long history of violence.
Charles WhitmanAustin
- 2 min
Standard sponsor read for ExpressVPN about data security and hackers, with Tim riffing that not using a VPN means 'they' will come get you.
4moments
- Everybody needs a VPN because the government and marketers are trying to get you, and hackers can steal your data to sell on the dark web.
- ExpressVPN creates an encrypted tunnel that would take a hacker with a supercomputer over a billion years to crack.
- Tim uses it all the time and says if you don't use a VPN, people will come find out where you live and get you.
- Get three extra months free at expressvpn.com/timdillon.
- 1 min
He pitches Raycon wireless earbuds as holiday gifts and stocking stuffers, noting supply chain issues make bigger gifts unrealistic this year.
3moments
- Tim praises Raycon wireless earbuds as a great gift option, noting they cost less than half of competitor models.
- The earbuds offer six hours of playtime and come in five stylish colors, making them suitable stocking stuffers for the holiday season.
- Tim recommends buying multiple small gifts this year instead of one big purchase due to supply chain issues.
- 1 min
Flash Mobs Are Back
#Tim introduces the retail flash mob phenomenon, distinguishing it from the fun version people imagine, describing gangs beating security guards and workers at Nordstrom.
4moments
- Tim warns of flash mobs returning, noting they're not as fun as they sound.
- Flash mobs are groups of 20-30 people running into stores like Nordstrom and beating the workers there.
- People try to frame flash mobs as theatrical anti-capitalist events, but they're actually attacking and hurting security guards and employees.
- Seth Rogen thinks flash mobs are good.
- 5 min
He recounts Seth Rogen mocking Casey Neistat for being upset about a car break-in, arguing Rogen's wealth insulates him from caring about property crime and that he'd probably be a criminal himself if not famous.
8moments
- Seth Rogen drove people to Casey Neistat's house to rob his car.
- Casey Neistat tweeted that LA is a crime-riddled third world country after his cars were robbed.
- Seth Rogen responds that he's lived in LA for 20 years and it's lovely; just don't leave valuables in your car.
- Rogen claims his car has been broken into 15 times and once a guy left a cool knife inside.
- Tim argues Seth Rogen would probably be robbing cars if he wasn't an actor.
- Seth Rogen has run so far left he's become self-parody and unable to make a point without descending into absurdity.
- Rich people like Seth Rogen don't need to view cars as extensions of themselves because they can replace them.
- For some people, a car is all they own, so a break-in isn't nothing—it's something.
- 2 min
Not Everyone Has a Real Estate Portfolio Like Seth
#Continuing the Rogen bit, Tim contrasts wealthy people's indifference to property loss with regular people who only own a Chevy Cruze and are devastated when it's damaged or robbed.
4moments
- Tim contrasts people with creative projects like Seth against those with nothing but a Chevy Cruze they've worked hard for.
- When someone smashes a Chevy Cruze and steals from it, the owner gets upset—it's their whole life.
- California's flash mob smash-and-grab robberies are basically the 1980s crime wave returning, hitting everything from Beverly Hills to Nordstrom.
- During smash-and-grabs, security guards and employees who get in the way sometimes get beaten up.
smash and grabCaliforniaSeth
- 4 min
He details specific smash-and-grab incidents in San Francisco, Walnut Creek, and Beverly Hills, then reads about a shopper named Guadalupe Rivas who defiantly continued her Black Friday shopping tradition at the Grove despite the robberies.
9moments
- Tim explains the Seth Rogen-type defense of smash-and-grabs: what's the problem with a little flash mob for fun?
- The pattern of behavior is becoming troubling because store workers are getting hurt, beaten up, and killed.
- Civilization doesn't work perfectly, so some people think we should abandon it entirely and allow theft and murder.
- Tim's core argument: you shouldn't kill an innocent person just to get a Gucci handbag.
- The logic that defending retail stores is corporate shilling—Seth Rogen hiding in menswear, refusing to care.
- Tim reads news reports of the Nordstrom raid in Walnut Creek where 80 people swarmed the store and assaulted employees.
- Louis Vuitton and Saks Fifth Avenue in Beverly Hills had their windows smashed with sledgehammers before police arrived.
- The absurdity of news coverage forcing a pro-shopping angle: Guadalupe Rivas won't let smash-and-grabs stop her 12-year tradition.
- Tim mocks the framing of one woman driving from Bakersfield to defiantly shop at the Grove as standing against anarchists.
Seth Rogensmash and grabsNordstromLouis VuittonSaks Fifth AvenueThe GroveUnion SquareBeverly Hills+1 more
- 2 min
Nordstrom Employees Left to Handle the Mobs Alone
#He questions the fairness of leaving hourly Nordstrom workers to absorb the risk once handled by police, then tells his own story of shoplifting Fred Flintstone band-aids at age three and getting caught by his mom.
6moments
- Tim reads account of Nordstrom customer who felt secure with guards at entrances and police kiosk.
- Nordstrom employees were not allowed to comment about the robbery, only corporate could respond.
- Tim questions whether it's fair to remove police and leave hourly Nordstrom workers to handle mobs of shoplifters getting pepper sprayed and beaten.
- Stimulus is over, people are excited and want to commit crimes because celebrities like Seth Rogen defend them no matter what.
- When celebrities defend you, it signals that crime is a great idea and shoplifters feel emboldened to go steal at Nordstrom's.
- Tim reveals he never shoplifted as an adult, only stole colorful Fred Flintstone band-aids at age three before his mom made him return them.
- 2 min
Stealing Orange Juice and Pizza as a Kid
#Tim tells stories of petty theft from his youth—stealing fresh-squeezed orange juice from a bodega for years and eating pizza slices before paying at a Long Island deli—contrasting his own minor larceny with organized flash mobs.
5moments
- Tim was a difficult kid who pooped his pants all the time and wasn't liked by family members.
- He proposes organizing a flash mob to steal frozen yogurt toppings, suggesting pepper-spraying a young employee in the eyes.
- Tim stole fresh-squeezed orange juice every day from Food Emporium on Eighth Avenue in New York City for two years before getting on his tour bus.
- A guy who'd just gotten out of jail caught him stealing and turned into a rat, which Tim hated.
- He also stole pizza slices at Suburban Eats deli on Long Island by eating them quickly while in line, then paying for only his sandwich.
Seth RogenFood EmporiumSuburban Eats
- 1 min
How Do 80 People Even Organize a Flash Mob?
#He marvels at the logistics of dozens of people coordinating a smash-and-grab, comparing it to the boombox gang scene from Batman.
3moments
- Tim asks how people even organize a flash mob with 80 people involved.
- He compares flash mobs to the scene in Batman where Jack Nicholson walks into a restaurant with boom boxes.
- Tim advises people to think twice before doing a flash mob because you might hurt an innocent person and shouldn't steal.
- 1 min
Standard sponsor read for BlueChew, the chewable erectile dysfunction medication, pitched as discreet and fun like a Flintstones vitamin.
4moments
- Tim opens the BlueChew read with absurdist energy, calling it "blue chew f*** omnicron."
- BlueChew delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis in chewable tablets at a fraction of the cost, with no doctor visits or pharmacy awkwardness required.
- Tim pitches the chewable format as fun and nostalgic, comparing it to Flintstones vitamins.
- Tim adds the caveat that opportunity "has to be consensual now."
Bluechiw
- 1 min
Sponsor read for Keeps hair loss prevention treatment, emphasizing early treatment, low cost, and at-home delivery.
3moments
- The only way to keep your hair is to stop it from being taken by a vengeful god.
- Tim describes Keeps as the only cost-effective hair loss prevention system with proven, discreet results and five-star reviews.
- More than 50 million men in the U.S. suffer from male pattern baldness, and only two FDA-approved medications can prevent it.
- 2 min
Tim reacts to news of the Omicron variant, joking that it's being given a dramatic 'origin story' from an HIV patient in South Africa despite doctors reporting mild symptoms, and mocks the market panic.
6moments
- South African doctor who first identified Omicron warns its early signs are mild and patients aren't losing sense of smell, yet authorities shut down again anyway.
- Fauci says lockdowns aren't off the table; Israel and others shut their borders over the variant.
- Omicron detected across Britain, Germany, Italy, Belgium, Botswana, Israel, Hong Kong, and Australia as health authorities investigate suspected cases.
- The South African doctor dismisses the panic as "a tempest in a teapot," calling symptoms mild and noting mutations typically weaken viruses over time.
- Tim agrees this is not the end of the world and expresses hope it's a false alarm so the market rebounds from its recent collapse.
- Ghislaine Maxwell's trial and other major stories are being sidelined while Omicron dominates the news cycle.
- 2 min
This Is the Last Variant (He Hopes)
#He continues riffing on the pandemic dragging into its second year, joking that Omicron will be the final weakening variant while wondering about the naming of Greek-letter variants and pharma company profits.
5moments
- Tim declares this is the last COVID variant, believing it's where the virus weakens.
- New Omicron variant identified in South Africa, governments scrambling to contain it.
- Tim worries new UK restrictions might derail his European tour dates.
- Tim expresses confusion about stopping spread of something described as incredibly mild.
- Pfizer and Moderna will just cook up another vaccine as another cash grab.
- 3 min
Selling Sunset Fantasy: Pfizer CEO Buys a Mansion
#Tim imagines a Selling Sunset episode where pharma CEOs buy mansions, leading into a tangent about the show's cast including Christine Quinn, whom he tries to describe as a 'lycan,' with a bit riffing on his inability to properly research mythology on the spot.
7moments
- Pfizer CEO buying a mansion in Beverly Hills as pharma billionaires are being created
- Tim wants a Selling Sunset episode featuring these new pharmaceutical CEOs as clients
- Christine Quinn, described as a lycan — very tall, albino, wears crazy outfits
- The show's structure: dwarf kings actually sell the houses while the women fight and walk around
- Tim criticizes his producer Ben for being bad at looking things up, even pulling hyena pictures instead of lycans
- Ben finds Underworld: Rise of the Lycans, clarifying what Tim meant about the mythology
- When Moderna and Pfizer CEOs start buying houses, it'll be a real flash mob worth seeing
Selling SunsetChristine QuinnModernaPfizerBeverly Hills
- 4 min
He reads through a listicle of five legal defenses for Ghislaine Maxwell's trial—scapegoat claims, financial motive of accusers, false memory theory, fair trial violations, and age of consent technicalities—mocking each one.
9moments
- The article claims there are five ways Ghislaine Maxwell could win her sex trafficking trial.
- Strategy one: claim she was a scapegoat for Epstein.
- Strategy two: argue the accusers desired cash and have received millions from compensation programs.
- Strategy three: use false memories argument—that accusers were influenced by media into creating false memories of abuse.
- Tim notes this false memories defense was trotted out in the 80s and 90s as a blanket response to any child abuse allegations.
- Strategy four: claim her right to a fair trial was compromised by negative media coverage and FBI statements calling her a villain.
- Strategy five: argue that not all accusers were underage, noting one was 17 and pointing out age of consent laws in the UK and New Mexico are 16.
- Tim summarizes the defense strategy: call accusers money-grubbing, claim false memories, blame scapegoating, and if all else fails, say she was 17.
- The punchline: even if it did happen, who cares—she was 17.
Ghislaine MaxwellJeffrey EpsteinElizabeth LoftusWilliam SweeneyAlan Dershowitz
- 2 min
A Disappointing Thanksgiving and Needing a Real Family
#Tim reflects on a lackluster Thanksgiving with friends instead of family, concluding he needs to actually start a real family since cobbled-together friend groups don't cut it.
5moments
- Tim's Thanksgiving was disappointing despite having friends over.
- He has no interest in doing Thanksgiving with his biological family and never will again.
- Tim thinks he needs to adopt a kid and get married because touring and show success feel meaningless.
- Everyone around him is a horrible person, so he needs another life project to focus on.
- You need that family unit whether you're gay, straight, or pedophile.
- 1 min
Why Won't Seth Rogen Defend Ghislaine Maxwell?
#He jokes that Seth Rogen, who defends property criminals, should apply the same shrugging logic to Ghislaine Maxwell, and imagines Casey Neistat should have invoked her case in his car theft complaint.
3moments
- Seth Rogen won't defend Ghislaine Maxwell despite supposedly caring about injustice.
- It's easy to defend property crime because nobody cares; why not defend Maxwell the same way?
- Casey Neistat should have tweeted that his violated car deserves the same logic: if we're living in a lawless society, then free Ghislaine.
- 2 min
Tim complains that Fauci is the only public face of the pandemic response and calls his self-regard 'the real pandemic,' before playing/reacting to Fauci's Meet the Press interview about Omicron.
5moments
- Tim: Fauci is addicted to himself.
- Fauci's vanity is the real pandemic, and Tim wonders if there's anyone else at the CDC who could take a turn instead of him.
- Tim questions the casting choice from a pure optics standpoint, given that Fauci has provably lied and has a sketchy history with gain-of-function research.
- Fauci just appeared on Meet the Press, introduced as the president's chief COVID advisor.
- Tim detects Fauci's lack of enthusiasm for appearing on Meet the Press, suggesting he wants to be on something bigger.
- 5 min
He plays more of the Fauci interview about spike protein mutations and vaccine evasion, then points out the contradiction between alarming U.S. messaging and South African doctors reporting mild illness.
6moments
- Fauci warns of potential bleak winter ahead if vaccination rates don't improve.
- Tim interrupts to mock the South African accent as the worst he's ever heard.
- Travel restrictions are meant to buy time for vaccination campaigns, Fauci explains.
- Fauci describes the concerning mutations in Omicron's spike protein and receptor binding domain.
- Tim notes the pattern: every variant announcement comes with 'we don't know if vaccines will work' followed by 'get vaccinated anyway.'
- Tim mocks the messaging as unclear and predicts Fauci will spend the rest of the interview going in circles.
South AfricaSouth African accent
- 4 min
Omicron Flash Mobs: Calling for a Shutdown
#Tim jokingly calls for another lockdown/sabbatical given the broken supply chain, riffing repeatedly on the phrase 'Omicron flash mobs' as the perfect combination of the two news stories.
10moments
- South African doctors report extremely mild illness from the new variant, contrasting with border shutdowns elsewhere.
- Tim identifies the messaging gap: doctors say they don't understand what's happening while others cite 32 mutations and vaccine evasion concerns.
- Governor Kathy Hochul declares a state of emergency, prompting Tim to advocate for a shutdown and desert sabbatical.
- Tim proposes Omicron flash mobs as the solution, organizing group shutdowns for a month or two.
- Supply chain is already broken anyway—couches take a year to arrive, so why not take time off?
- Flash mob strategy: recruit friends to knock over Nordstroms for a few months, better safe than sorry.
- Canada's indigenous health expert Carrie Barrasso loses job after ancestry test reveals she's not Native American.
- Her claimed name was Morning Star Bear and she followed Owen Benjamin, adding layers to the deception.
- Tim jokes darkly about killing her or letting Omicron get her unvaccinated.
- Two years into the pandemic, society is now entering the Omicron flash mob phase of the disease, perfectly timed and inevitable.
OmicronCarrie BarrassoKathy Hochul
- 3 min
He covers the story of Carrie Bourassa (aka 'Morning Star Bear'), a Canadian indigenous health expert exposed as not Native American, joking about her tribal regalia, an academic outing her lineage, and imagining it as a mystery-movie twist ending.
7moments
- Morning Star Bear tearfully claims Bear Clan and Anishinaabe Medes identity from Treaty 4 territory while wearing full tribal regalia and a feather.
- Indigenous studies professor Wynona Wheeler digs into genealogical records and takes findings to the media after being repulsed by how hard the woman worked to pass as indigenous.
- Tim compares the unfolding story to a mystery movie where someone discovers the protagonist is a liar, ending with the revelation that she's not Native American at all.
- Tim muses that you are what you are in your heart, before immediately pivoting to call the woman insane and criticize her appearance.
- Don't move to Austin—you'll upset the apple cart down there, Tim warns, predicting Morning Star Bear will end up teaching at University of Austin with Barry Weiss.
- After twenty years in Texas, Tim says he can't tell who's Native American and doesn't view someone's cultural ancestry as an extension of himself.
- Sometimes a nice treat comes from someone who pretends to be Native American—they might give you a knife.
Morningstar BearWynona WheelerUniversity of AustinBari Weiss
- 1 min
Tim runs through upcoming tour dates including Atlanta, Sacramento, St. Louis, Reading PA, Garden City Idaho, Toronto New Year's, the UK cities, Huntington NY, and Red Bank NJ, directing fans to timdilloncomedy.com.
4moments
- Tim announces tour dates and ticket availability across multiple cities including Atlanta, Sacramento, St. Louis, Reading, and Garden City, Idaho.
- Toronto New Year's Eve show at Meridian Hall is highlighted as a major event, contingent on omicron not interfering.
- UK dates added: Glasgow, Dublin, and London, with similar omicron concerns.
- Special being shot in late January at the Paramount Theater in Huntington, New York, with additional dates in Red Bank, New Jersey.