Episode 265 · The Ben Avery Era
#265 - Austin Taliban | The Tim Dillon Show
Aug 22, 2021 · 1:11:49 · 650,000 views · 17 segments, 107 moments indexed
This week Tim explains why we should have never invaded, the next step for Afghan charities, why the Spirit of Q Is Alive In Palm Beach, Larry David and Dershowitz get in a fight on the Vineyard, and what our old pal Ghislaine is up to.
Watch on YouTubeDiscuss on Reddit
- 6 min
Clarissa Ward, the Falling Soccer Player, and General Milley's 'Why White People Hate' Speech
#Tim discusses the Taliban takeover of Afghanistan, Clarissa Ward's coverage, the horrifying video of people falling from a C-17 including a teenage Afghan soccer player, and mocks General Milley for prioritizing learning "why white people hate" over understanding Afghanistan's collapse.
8moments
- Clarissa Ward called the Taliban friendly, which angered people, but they were chanting death to America in a fun way.
- The Taliban waited 20 years building their power base, fighting for Afghanistan, and finally won—they're thrilled about it.
- A 19-year-old Afghan footballer fell from a USC-17 military aircraft during evacuation from the Taliban-ruled region.
- General Milley claimed he saw no indication the Taliban was taking over, yet gave a speech about wanting to learn why white people hate.
- Tim asks why Milley doesn't devote as much time to finding out why Afghanistan is failing as he does to understanding white people's hatred.
- America now has no credibility trying to convince countries they take care of their people when there's video evidence of abandoning them.
- The 19-year-old soccer player's entire life is over because he trusted the United States.
- This is what happens when you trust the United States of America.
MilleyClarissa WardTalibanAfghanistanCNN
- 6 min
Charity Tourists Trapped in Kabul: Soho House and Call Her Daddy Bans
#Tim distinguishes cynical 'charity tourism' by wealthy Westerners in Afghanistan from real activism, joking about Soho House Kabul closing and Call Her Daddy being banned, and argues some charity work is more about the helper's vanity than actual impact.
10moments
- Charity in wealthy circles is a social-climbing exercise, not genuine philanthropy—mansion galas where people buy expensive dresses and write checks.
- Real charity means putting yourself in actual danger and risk, which is what's happening now in Afghanistan when things go wrong.
- Afghanistan is no longer a place for white women to go find themselves; they're now actually living in Afghanistan.
- Some charity is cynical—white people wanting to show the world they're different and care, distributing iPads and Call Her Daddy podcasts to Afghan women.
- Call Her Daddy has been banned in Afghanistan and the Soho House Kabul is closed, ending that particular charity mission.
- Some genuinely good people went to Afghanistan to help, but others cynically exploited the situation, and some charities are CIA front groups.
- People who worked in charity there told him the locals didn't want them there and they weren't culturally in sync, making the effort feel vain.
- He didn't go to Afghanistan to teach women to read because you're fighting against the ocean and the ocean always wins.
- There's plenty of charity work needed in America, but helping people in Ohio isn't as glamorous or sexy to brag about to college friends.
- If you really want to be the person saying you're teaching people to read in Kabul, today's the day that just became real and you may have to join the resistance.
- 10 min
His Own 9/11-Era Awakening: Cocaine, Tom Friedman, and Wanting to Join the CIA
#Tim recounts his teenage self as a closeted cocaine addict on Long Island who romanticized joining the CIA/military after 9/11, reads a viral thread from a veteran deployed twice to Afghanistan describing the war's futility, and reflects on his own naive patriotism.
10moments
- Tim's awakening to U.S. foreign policy began in 11th grade when the Afghanistan war started, suddenly making it real rather than theoretical.
- At 17 and addicted to cocaine, Tim thought Tom Friedman's New York Times columns about interconnectedness and geopolitics were brilliant.
- Tim believed that if America helped free people around the world, they would love us again—a belief he now attributes to his drug use.
- Post-9/11 patriotic moments felt beautiful to Tim because the country had just attacked itself and was healing together.
- In high school study hall, Tim looked up CIA requirements because he wanted to live a life of meaning, purpose, honor, and valor.
- Tim imagined the CIA as a crack squad jumping through windows to stop bombs on buses, like saving the old Black bus driver Keith.
- From his school library, drugged and eating phenomenal chicken parm lunches, Tim stared at the computer dreaming of a life of meaning and intrigue.
- A friend Tim visited at Camp Lejeune had deployed to Afghanistan twice, in 2008 and 2009-10, when it was already obvious the Taliban would sweep back in after withdrawal.
- The thread describes searching detainees' phones and finding mostly Bollywood musicals and women singing in fields—rarely anything incriminating.
- Every U.S. opium policy option in Afghanistan led to Taliban victory: leaving fields alone funded weapons, bombing them recruited farmers, fertilizer incentives went to explosives making.
AfghanistanTalibanU.S. foreign policyCIAThomas Friedman9/11Exxon MobilPentagon+4 more
- 3 min
Tim describes the CIA black site known as the Salt Pit near Kabul, detailing torture methods used there and arguing this brutality explains why the U.S. lost Afghan hearts and minds.
5moments
- CIA swept up suspected terrorists and non-terrorists during the start of the Afghan war, sending them to Guantanamo Bay, Bagram Air Force Base, and the Salt Pit for interrogation.
- The Salt Pit was a CIA black site prison located north of Kabul in a former brick factory where detainees were tortured mercilessly.
- Torture methods included electric chair threats, waterboarding, beatings, and putting people in boxes with bugs crawling on them until they died.
- The torture didn't work and the U.S. lost the ground game in Afghanistan catastrophically—there was no will to fight for the country.
- The failure in Afghanistan sucks across the board for Afghans who expected a different life, soldiers whose deaths mean nothing, and aid workers who went over to do charity.
Guantanamo BaySalt PitAfghanistanBagram Air Force BaseCIA torture
- 2 min
Watching the C-17 Evacuation Video
#Tim reacts to footage of the chaotic evacuation plane leaving Kabul, noting an impending media blackout once public attention fades.
5moments
- Tim describes watching the C-17 evacuation video as a wild scene to watch.
- He predicts a media blackout in a few days, after which no one will care anymore.
- The video shown is actually Austin, Texas—people leaving the city to go back to a real city.
- Comics who moved to Austin thought they'd be on Joe Rogan's show every week and are now fleeing like Afghan translators.
- Tim compares the comics' exodus to their misconception about getting on Rogan's show.
- 2 min
Austin Comics Fleeing Like Afghan Translators Trying to Get on Rogan's Show
#Tim jokes that Austin, Texas comedians who moved there hoping to appear on Joe Rogan's podcast are like desperate Afghan translators clinging to evacuation planes.
1moment
- Austin comics worry about their time on Rogan's show while he hunts bigfoot for the ninth time.
- 3 min
A sponsor read for DoorDash promoting grocery and restaurant delivery, including a discount code for new users.
3moments
- Tim reacts to the Box of Awesome product lineup with skepticism about how cool it actually is
- He confirms understanding that the box contains things he needs and wants
- Tim describes holding a knife to a salmon's throat if the fish isn't doing what he wanted it to do
- 4 min
A Bespoke Post ad for their monthly subscription box that drifts into an extended riff about using their knife to threaten a mouthy salmon.
7moments
- Tim separates ideology from the sheer entertainment value of Trump's Florida crew: Roger Stone, Tucker, Hannity, Ben Shapiro, Laura Ingraham, Ann Coulter, Brad Parscale.
- Florida has become the epicenter of American conservatism—a swamp of goons, scoundrels, and grifters.
- Mainstream institutions kept conservatism out for decades, so conservative media personalities became flashier—rappers who talk shit and built alternative media empires.
- A Vanity Fair article describes Roger Stone and Laura Loomer dining with Mario, a die-hard Republican waiter from Yugoslavia, who commiserates about what 'they' did and hints at hope that Trump will be 'reinstalled.'
- The dream of Q is alive in Palm Beach, with these people eating steaks and martinis at 3 p.m., believing Trump will somehow be reinstalled as president.
- Ann Coulter and Matt Drudge announce they're leaving Florida and not telling anyone where they're going—Coulter has fallen out with Trump and is unhappy with him.
- Tim recalls sneaking into the Breakers buffet in Florida and notes there's something distinctly American about the place.
FloridaAnn CoulterDonald TrumpLaura LoomerMatt DrudgePalm BeachBen ShapiroBrad Parscale+10 more
- 4 min
Tim reads a Vanity Fair article about Mar-a-Lago's colorful cast of conservative grifters and personalities in Palm Beach, including a funny anecdote about a die-hard Republican immigrant waiter serving Roger Stone and Laura Loomer.
6moments
- Tim recalls crashing an all-you-can-eat Mother's Day buffet without a mother, just to feed themselves on shellfish.
- People obsessed with politics are boring because politics obscures the deep human truths that art is supposed to reach.
- Those whose entire existence revolves around politics find it deeply unfulfilling, especially when they realize the disconnect between what they claim and what actually happens.
- Political players are fighting to become famous or wealthy rather than to genuinely change things, trying to grab onto an unruly mob they can't really control.
- Real change is hard and unglamorous; actual activists, lawyers, and doctors give up lucrative careers, unlike the pundit class swilling gin martinis at the Breakers in Palm Beach talking about revolution.
- Tim decided to leave that world because he didn't want to filter every thought through whether enemies or allies would say it.
- 1 min
Why Political Lifers Are Boring and Unfulfilled
#Tim argues that people whose entire existence revolves around politics are fundamentally unfulfilled because their activism is more about personal fame than actual change, contrasting pundits with real activists and lawyers.
2moments
- Tim argues that right-wing Palm Beach lunatics seem more fun than neoliberal Hamptons elites or Brooklyn socialists.
- The true answer is none of the above.
- 9 min
Hurricane Sandy, Long Island's Racism Cured, and the COVID Excuse Economy
#Tim reminisces about Hurricane Sandy devastating his Long Island hometown, how it supposedly made Long Islanders less racist, and predicts people will use COVID as a decades-long excuse for their failures the same way they used the hurricane.
11moments
- Long Island residents sat on their lawns with rifles after Hurricane Sandy, fearing wandering gangs of minorities.
- Hurricane Sandy damaged 650,000 homes on Long Island and took years for people to recover.
- Insurance companies called Sandy victims claiming overpayment and demanded money back after their homes were finally rebuilt.
- Tim lived in Manhattan during Hurricane Sandy and never lost power, while his hometown went underwater.
- Long Island was a racist place before Hurricane Sandy, but the disaster made it a place where different races understood and respected each other.
- People used Hurricane Sandy as an excuse for their failures for years afterward.
- COVID will become the same excuse economy as Hurricane Sandy, with people blaming the pandemic for major life failures.
- Tim describes confronting someone years later who claims COVID stopped them from going to college in 2023.
- People construct elaborate connected stories linking Hurricane Sandy to their current problems, but the connection is tenuous.
- Tim is excited for the next phase of culture because people are psychologically coming apart and news cycles are exhausted.
- Imagine if Hurricane Sandy kept happening repeatedly—you'd rebuild halfway and then get hit again with new storms.
Hurricane SandyLong IslandCOVID-19Hurricane KatrinaIsland Park
- 1 min
A sponsor read for Magic Spoon low-sugar cereal, mentioning new permanent flavors and a discount code.
2moments
- Magic Spoon cereal has zero grams of sugar, 13-14 grams of protein, and only four net grams of carbs per serving.
- The brand is bringing back two permanently popular flavors: cookies and cream and maple waffle, which sold out extremely quickly when first introduced.
- 2 min
A sponsor read for Raycon wireless earbuds touting battery life and price, with a brief riff about creating a personal life soundtrack.
4moments
- Tim pitches Raycon earbuds as a cheaper alternative to premium audio brands with the same quality sound.
- He describes wearing one earbud to avoid listening to people, disguising it as a hearing aid.
- Tim considers what his life soundtrack would be: wind blowing through a window, like the score to No Country for Old Men.
- He reminds listeners to use the code at Raycon.com/Tim to save 15 percent and support the show.
- 6 min
Tim discusses the viral story of Larry David confronting Alan Dershowitz in a grocery store over his Trump ties, pointing out the absurdity that David is more upset about politics than Dershowitz's multiple child rape accusations.
9moments
- Larry David confronts Alan Dershowitz at a grocery store for being friends with Donald Trump and Mike Pompeo.
- Dershowitz removes his shirt to reveal another shirt underneath that says 'It's the Constitution, Stupid,' then drives away in a dirty Volvo.
- Virginia Giuffre accused Dershowitz of molesting her seven times between ages 16 and 19.
- Dershowitz called his accuser a serial liar, prostitute, and bad mother in his defense.
- When questioned by a Miami reporter, Dershowitz essentially admits the sexual contact but claims she made her own decisions even though she was underage.
- Tim observes that Hollywood figures like Larry David live in a bubble, more concerned with someone's Trump ties than child rape accusations.
- Dershowitz told Page Six that Larry is a knee-jerk radical who doesn't think much and takes his politics from Hollywood.
- Dershowitz has been involved in nefarious dealings, and he likely benefits when people yell at him about Trump rather than about his rape accusations.
- Tim notes Dershowitz has represented O.J. Simpson, Jeffrey Epstein, and other controversial figures, and predicts he'll soon represent the Taliban to deflect from the Epstein scandal.
Alan DershowitzJeffrey EpsteinVirginia GiuffreLarry DavidMike PompeoTalibanO.J. SimpsonDonald Trump+3 more
- 5 min
Tim covers updates on Ghislaine Maxwell's prosecution, prosecutors withholding co-conspirator names, the trial's delay to November, and her sale of the London townhouse tied to Prince Andrew photos.
8moments
- Tim checks in on Ghislaine Maxwell's trial status and whereabouts.
- The royal family may hang Prince Andrew out to dry despite his royal connections.
- Federal prosecutors want to withhold the names of Maxwell's uncharged co-conspirators from her defense team.
- Maxwell argues she has a right to know who's testifying against her in open court so they can be threatened.
- Ghislaine Maxwell sells her London home where alleged sex crimes occurred for 2.42 million.
- The Belgravia house is where Prince Andrew was photographed hugging his accuser when she was 17.
- Tim on defendants forgetting what they're on trial for and releasing statements about happy memories at crime scenes.
- Maxwell's spokesman described the house as a refuge with happy memories of tea in the yard and children running around.
- 4 min
Tim runs through upcoming tour stops including Schaumburg, Corpus Christi, Baltimore, Milwaukee, Spokane, and a Beacon Theater show in New York, plus plans for a cheaper December merch drop.
8moments
- Tim says the tour continues assuming he doesn't collapse from exhaustion, performing 20 minutes in Austin and hitting Schaumburg Improv outside Chicago with remaining tickets
- Tour dates announced: Corpus Christi in September, Baltimore September 23-25, Milwaukee October 7-9, Spokane October 20-21
- Beacon Theater in New York on November 11th will be the major show, along with rescheduled San Diego dates in December
- Tim initially claimed a family emergency for the San Diego cancellation but later found out he actually had COVID
- Supporting the show through Patreon and buying live tickets helps fund operations and upcoming merchandise
- New merch dropping in December around the holidays with advance notice, keeping smaller selection to avoid pushing products too hard
- Previous Fake Business merch drop had high quality hoodies and items; December release will aim for similar quality at potentially lower prices
- Tim wants to go to Afghanistan for a women's foundation benefit but won't risk being left stranded on the tarmac in Kabul without genuine commitment to the cause
Beacon TheaterSchaumburg ImprovAfghanistanAustinBaltimoreCorpus ChristiKabulMilwaukee+3 more
- 6 min
Advice for Trapped Charity Workers: Become the Beheader and Embrace Theocracy
#Tim riffs darkly on Americans and charity workers trapped in Afghanistan, joking they should abandon their causes and ingratiate themselves with the Taliban, even becoming an executioner, closing with a comparison to Austin being 'reclaimed' by its drunk locals from tech transplants like Rogan and Musk.
8moments
- Tim argues the Taliban represents real fascism, unlike inept American fascists drinking martinis in Florida.
- His advice to trapped charity workers: if you can't leave, go the other way—embrace the system you were fighting.
- Tim imagines a translator becoming the beheader, lobbing hands into a bucket as "a different hustle but ultimately the same thing."
- He tells trapped Americans and women to enjoy simplified life without Starbucks under theocratic fascism.
- Tim compares his own departure from Austin to refugees fleeing Kabul airport, identifying with being one of the last out.
- "We never should have invaded." Places have resilient cultures that matter and will reclaim themselves.
- Austin belongs to ordinary people, not to tech billionaires and Joe Rogan—the Austin Taliban will return and reclaim it.
- The solution is to get out and let things happen, because the Austin Taliban will be back and better than ever.