Episode 263 · The Ben Avery Era
Classic tier — a personal pick, not a popularity ranking#263 - Family Business | The Tim Dillon Show
Aug 10, 2021 · 1:03:56 · 548,000 views · 23 segments, 131 moments indexed
Tim makes a huge announcement to start the show, explains why he's backing out of a deal with a family business, talks all the new celebrities moving to Austin and a strange commercial in Arkansas.
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- 3 min
Cold Open: The Spotify Deal with 'Nazi Pedophile' Daniel Ek
#Tim announces the show is moving exclusively to Spotify and spins an absurd bit about CEO Daniel Ek being a Nazi viking pedophile they're negotiating an $18 billion deal with, including plans for a new 'Epstein island' for Nazi youth.
8moments
- The Tim Dillon Show is moving to Spotify exclusively for audio and video.
- Tim describes Spotify CEO Daniel Ek as a bald Norwegian pedophile currently negotiating the deal.
- Spotify is the platform where they rob musicians who are mostly brain-dead drug addicts.
- During Zoom meetings with Ek, he displays Nazi memorabilia and flags behind him.
- The offer on the table is 18 billion dollars, with Ek proposing to build a new Epstein Island to train Nazi youth.
- Tim claims they now have a deal with Spotify for a trillion dollars to launder human trafficking and drug money through the podcast.
- Ek wants them to awaken people about the problems the white race is facing.
- When asked if the exclusive Spotify deal excites him, Tim says he's very happy and never thought it would happen.
- 3 min
The Austin Tile Store Father-Daughter Team
#Tim describes visiting a family-owned tile store in Austin for his kitchen renovation, giving the phone numbers that revealed the class gap between him and the owners, and deciding to deny them the business over the daughter's disapproving face.
6moments
- Tim explains his appreciation for Spotify's CEO, noting he looks like he belongs on a viking ship whipping people
- Tim thanks Spotify for the money, then admits the CEO told them not to mention pedophile and nazi stuff on air
- Tim visited a father-daughter tile store in Austin for his kitchen floor renovation
- Asking for marble immediately signals that he doesn't care if natural disasters affect those people
- The tile store owners discouraged marble as too expensive and recommended porcelain instead
- Porcelain is durable, unlike linoleum which people can destroy without consequence
- 2 min
Incest Theory of the Tile Store Family
#Tim escalates into a graphic riff theorizing that the father and daughter at the tile store have an incestuous relationship, using their body language as 'evidence.'
5moments
- Tim and his companion gave their phone numbers to the tile store family, who asked for their area codes.
- The tile store people reacted differently to their two area codes—Abilene, Texas versus Beverly Hills.
- Tim joked with the saleswoman that despite the Beverly Hills number, they're Republicans throwing away disgusting amounts of money, and she made a face.
- Tim's theory: anyone who works in a family tile business with their father is driven by unnatural Oedipal desires.
- Tim elaborates his incest theory in explicit detail, claiming such arrangements violate the laws of nature and justify him rejecting their business.
- 5 min
California Money Ruins Austin (and You Can't Stop It)
#Tim lays out his 'capitalism' rant: rich Californians can move to Texas, gentrify it, turn kids trans, and there's nothing locals can do about it because money wins, tying back into why he's rescinding the tile store's business.
10moments
- Tim tells Austin residents that rich Californians will move in and make their children trans, and there's nothing they can do about it because capitalism means money controls everything.
- Austin is the worst city in America with barely any ICU beds and a completely embarrassing healthcare situation.
- Capitalism means Tim can go anywhere with money and ruin people's lives if he wants to, and he has no interest in voting or standing in lines.
- Tech people will arrive in Austin and implement mandatory vaccines every three months, administered while people sleep, because working-class residents have no money to resist.
- People obsessed with guns aren't organizing assaults on centers of power—they're just shooting trees in their backyards while tech people slowly choke them out.
- If residents want to stop the tech takeover, they'll need to make more money than Silicon Valley tech workers, which he suggests is impossible for people selling linoleum tile.
- Tim declines to give his realtor business because of her over-the-top demeanor and aggressive energy that suggested entitlement and lack of awareness.
- The realtor and her father appear to be engaged in incestuous behavior, indicated by their coded language and physical interactions that suggest sexual interest.
- Women in Austin dress poorly and are disgusting drug addicts, exemplified by the realtor wearing balloon pants like a cow.
- Tim describes what he believes would have happened between the realtor and her father if he and his companions hadn't been present as a viewing—incestuous sexual activity on tile flooring.
- 2 min
Standard ad copy for BlueChew's ED chewables followed by a Sheath Underwear read where Tim jokes about the founder Robert Patron being a 'virtuous pedophile.'
3moments
- BlueChew sponsorship read about erectile dysfunction medication delivered online.
- Tim pivots to Sheath Underwear, calling it his favorite product and praising the owner.
- Robert Patron, the founder, is identified as a virtuous pedophile attracted to children but doesn't act on it.
- 2 min
Standard ad copy for BlueChew's ED chewables followed by a Sheath Underwear read where Tim jokes about the founder Robert Patron being a 'virtuous pedophile.'
3moments
- BlueChew sponsorship read about erectile dysfunction medication delivered online.
- Tim pivots to Sheath Underwear, calling it his favorite product and praising the owner.
- Robert Patron, the founder, is identified as a virtuous pedophile attracted to children but doesn't act on it.
- 4 min
Tim reads a grim COVID hospital stats story about Austin, then pivots to a Hollywood Reporter piece he was quoted in about celebrities fleeing LA for Austin, questioning whether the named stars are actually famous.
6moments
- Austin should warn of catastrophe regardless of pandemic—situation is critical.
- Austin has only six available ICU beds and 313 ventilators, most being used to smoke brisket.
- Hollywood Reporter published article about massive influx of Hollywood people to Austin, and Tim was quoted in it.
- The stars relocating to Austin are A-list talent—the type you'd recognize immediately, like Michael Jackson or Princess Diana level famous.
- Stephen Amell and Zachary Levi are among the celebrities featured in the article as having moved to the Texas capital.
- Tim expected the Hollywood Reporter to write about C-list people but was wrong—these are legitimate stars like the Green Arrow actor and the guy from Chuck.
Stephen AmellZachary LeviAustinHollywood Reporter
- 4 min
James Van Der Beek Quits Hollywood for the Hill Country
#Tim tells the story of James Van Der Beek allegedly turning down a $20 million seven-picture deal to move to Austin over park rules, then fantasizes cruelly about the actor's kid falling out of a tree.
10moments
- People in California hate the entertainment business, but Hollywood has many families facing a new exodus of power players leaving for Austin, Texas.
- Jared Padalecki has been Austin's big advocate since 2010, appearing on major shows.
- James Van Der Beek from Dawson's Creek rejected Hollywood entirely.
- Paramount offered Van Der Beek a seven-picture deal with a $20 million upfront guarantee on the condition he live in California.
- Van Der Beek declined the deal and asked if they'd ever heard of the Texas Hill Country.
- Beverly Hills parks have a rule: children cannot fly kites, ride bicycles, climb trees, learn anything from an instructor, or use weights.
- Tim doubts most of those park restrictions are actually real but appreciates the image of someone prohibiting tree-climbing.
- Tim describes Beverly Hills residents hoping Van Der Beek's children suffer injury from tree falls so he'll have to explain to them why he moved to Texas.
- In the scenario, someone confronts Van Der Beek about his article explaining why he left Austin, saying the tree-climbing restriction justified the move.
- The consolation prize: his paralyzed son can still fly a kite from his wheelchair while being pushed around the park.
James Van Der BeekParamount PicturesAustinHollywoodDawson's CreekJared PadaleckiBeverly HillsEntourage
- 2 min
Joe Rogan's New Comedy Club Opening Night
#Tim announces Joe Rogan's new Austin comedy club opening night lineup including Patrice O'Neal, Gary Shandling, and himself, and jokes about Rogan as another Austin transplant.
4moments
- Tim asks who Joe Rogan is, then reads his Wikipedia bio aloud.
- Tim describes how much fun he had at Joe Rogan's new comedy club opening night.
- Tim asks if his wife is excited about attending and whether James Van Der Beek will show up.
- Tim brings up a grotesque house tour that a friend showed him, describing it as embodying Austin aesthetics.
Joe RoganZach LeviGary ShandlingJoan RiversPatrice O'NealRobin WilliamsTony HinchcliffeJames Van Der Beek
- 12 min
Mocking the Padalecki Farmhouse Tour Video
#Tim and Ben play and riff on a YouTube house tour by Jared Padalecki and Genevieve Padalecki, mocking their 'modern chic farmhouse,' the safari hat, slave jokes about the kitchen, and comparing their view counts unfavorably to truly famous people like Robert Downey Jr. and Hilary Duff.
16moments
- Tim describes the Padalecki house as having an old couch where blankets are thrown on it for people to cry about not being able to live anywhere else.
- Acknowledging Jared Padalecki's legitimate credits—Supernatural, Gilmore Girls, House of Wax—while insisting he won't attack the people living there.
- Tim worries about physical safety at the property and claims he woke up wondering if it's still safe to be there.
- Women in Austin wearing safari hats act like they're on expedition in Africa to buy slaves and bring them back to their modern farmhouse.
- Padalecki mentions needing to get out soon because they'll see people around; Tim notes they know one Soho House member who's sweet but brain-dead from lack of oxygen.
- Design and construction work forces horrible conversations with terrible people, mostly lacking passion for their jobs.
- A design contractor suddenly reveals he accidentally killed his son by backing out of the driveway sixteen years ago, derailing discussion of Wolf appliances.
- Tim fantasizes about bringing Ray Kump through the house with a Big Gulp, ashing everywhere while pointing out they said nothing was precious.
- Sitcom actors from superhero shows in 2006 running around in screen suits define what the Hollywood Reporter means by 'famous people'.
- Testing a marriage comes down to two things: doing a home remodel or having a child with brain cancer you can't afford to treat.
- These people aren't actually famous; the Hollywood Reporter should stop writing about non-celebrities deciding to live in Austin.
- The tour has 850,000 views compared to Robert Downey Jr.'s 25 million and Hillary Duff's 7.6 million, proving they're less famous.
- Hillary Duff was wrapped up in Pizzagate conspiracy theories after posting photos of her son; Tim notes people wanted to see her home because of the scandal.
- These people would have a better life not being famous; they just live in Austin where 850,000 views doesn't compete with actual celebrities.
- Jessica Alba's home tour has 31 million views compared to the Padaleckis' lower view count, because she's actually famous and they're not.
- The segment ends with Tim singing 'We Are the World' about the Delta variant.
Genevieve PadaleckiHilary DuffSoho HouseJessica AlbaRobert Downey Jr.SupernaturalWolf AppliancesDick Cheney+1 more
- 2 min
Ad reads for Liquid IV hydration packets and Gabi's insurance comparison service.
4moments
- Tim explains why he needs Liquid IV after being on the road doing stand-up and podcasting.
- One stick of Liquid IV in 16 ounces of water hydrates faster and more efficiently than water alone.
- Best uses for Liquid IV include first thing in the morning, before workouts, daily hydration maintenance, and hangover recovery.
- Available flavors include lemon lime, kyberry, passion fruit, guava, watermelon, apple pie, and strawberry.
- 2 min
Ad reads for Liquid IV hydration packets and Gabi's insurance comparison service.
4moments
- Tim explains why he needs Liquid IV after being on the road doing stand-up and podcasting.
- One stick of Liquid IV in 16 ounces of water hydrates faster and more efficiently than water alone.
- Best uses for Liquid IV include first thing in the morning, before workouts, daily hydration maintenance, and hangover recovery.
- Available flavors include lemon lime, kyberry, passion fruit, guava, watermelon, apple pie, and strawberry.
- 2 min
Tim reads off current COVID caseload rankings by state (California, Texas, Florida, etc.) and expresses exhaustion with pandemic coverage.
1moment
- Tim transitions to reading COVID case numbers by state, starting with California leading at over 4 million cases.
- 3 min
Australia's Lockdown and the National Character
#Tim riffs on Australia's extreme lockdown measures, arguing Australians are happy to be locked down because all they want is to drink and grill.
7moments
- Tim notes we've reached a point where a worldwide pandemic is boring.
- He struggles to care about lockdowns even though he believes they'll destroy the country.
- Australia has 12 cases and is chaining people inside, but Australians don't mind because they trust the government.
- All Australians really want to do is get drunk and grill meat in their backyards.
- Tim describes Australians as perpetually lazy descendants of criminals who don't demand work.
- The Netflix show Instant Hotel was great because it used notoriously monstrous Australians without taste or decorum.
- Grotesque Australians walking around judging whether hotels are nice is hilarious.
- 5 min
Instant Hotel and the Death of Shay Rezaie
#Tim recounts loving the Australian reality show Instant Hotel, its trashy contestants, and the real-life death of former cast member Shay Rezaie, leading into a riff on the cold-blooded nature of reality TV producers.
10moments
- Tim recommends the first season of Instant Hotel for its cast of trashy, vindictive people who were rude to each other.
- Later seasons ruined the show by making it more positive instead of keeping the spite and classlessness.
- The appeal is watching uneducated snobs with no discernment critique each other's Airbnbs and decor.
- Australians only recently learned to use utensils and prefer eating meat with their hands because everything there can kill them.
- Australian descendants of criminals are bad criminals, unlike the successful criminals who settled in New York and the Hamptons.
- One of the Instant Hotel stars, a Persian woman named Shay Rezaie, killed herself, which for Tim confirms the show was real.
- Tim suspects Shay Rezaie's death was drug-related based on what he's heard from multiple sources.
- The problem with producing reality TV is that drug use was good for the show but bad for the people in it—you can't do both.
- Reality TV producers are often sociopaths and among the coldest people Tim has met, displaying the emotional distance of someone like Donald Rumsfeld.
- Instant Hotel remains a solid recommendation to Tim despite the tragedy.
Instant HotelShea Rezaireality televisionAlan PeggCupcake WarsMikey Jello
- 1 min
Back to Australia's No-Case Lockdowns
#Quick return riff on Australian cities locking down despite having zero cases.
2moments
- Australian cities locking down with zero cases because authorities don't care about the threshold.
- Tim jokes about calling in sick to work during lockdown, claiming he coughed once so he'll stay home.
- 3 min
Rand Paul's Hair and the Arkansas 'Hustler' Vaccine Ad
#Tim mocks Rand Paul's appearance briefly, then introduces a bizarre Arkansas Department of Health vaccine ad targeting 'hustlers' and street entrepreneurs, questioning its racial undertones.
6moments
- Tim mocks Rand Paul's hair as out of control and says he looks like Fievel.
- Tim questions why Rand Paul is the spokesman for libertarian causes when he looks like he's trying to sell a Dodge Dart.
- Arkansas ran a vaccine outreach ad on YouTube targeting the Black community, acknowledging they don't trust vaccines due to the Tuskegee experiment and government history.
- The ad features a man claiming he's a hustler entrepreneur who sells things and had to get vaccinated to stay safe in his work.
- Tim finds the ad's framing uncomfortable and asks why it feels racist when the pitch centers on being a hustler selling undefined products.
- Tim points out the ad's logic backfires: if you're not an entrepreneur, the pitch gives no reason to get vaccinated.
- 4 min
Tim plays the Arkansas vaccine ad multiple times, dissecting its bizarre 'hustler in these streets' messaging and mustang parking lot setting, questioning whether it's a real ad or a troll.
7moments
- Tim breaks down an Arkansas Department of Health vaccine ad featuring a man in a parking lot on a Ford Mustang.
- The ad never puts the entrepreneur in an office or anywhere near a place of business—he's just posted up on a car in a parking lot.
- The man describes himself as a hustler selling things and coming into contact with people all the time, which sounds like a drug dealer.
- Tim notes the job description is literally just 'hustling out here in these streets'—there's no attempt to make this seem like a legitimate career.
- The ad appears to be real, not a troll, because it was running as a YouTube ad with comments turned off.
- Tim reiterates the full pitch: a street hustler explaining why you should get vaccinated if you also live that lifestyle.
- The tagline is 'Take a shot at staying healthy'—which Tim notes is awkwardly phrased given the hustler aesthetic and gun imagery implications.
Arkansas Department of Healthstate of Arkansas
- 3 min
Tim reads a bizarre personal essay from a woman reclaiming her abusive, incarcerated pedophile stepfather's beloved salsa recipe, riffing on the dark humor of the juxtaposition.
7moments
- A woman's essay about reclaiming her abusive stepfather's salsa recipe after he stalked and harassed her for a decade.
- Tim on the stepfather's crimes: he stole hundreds of thousands from financial clients, possessed child pornography, and spent 14 years in prison.
- She stumbled upon his old prized homemade salsa recipe and the memories of poolside hangouts and family gatherings came flooding back.
- Tim interrupts the essay midway through: he suggests introducing the salsa at a parole hearing to get the guy out of jail.
- Despite the salsa being restaurant quality, she wrestles with whether making it will always remind her of the horrors he inflicted.
- Her decision: instead of viewing the recipe as solely belonging to her abuser, she'll make it her own and pass it down to her children.
- Tim's vision of her future: she tells her kids the salsa comes from a very bad man—a pedophile who bankrupted their grandmother—but one thing he didn't do was mess up a dip.
Today Show
- 1 min
Pedophile Chef Parole Board Idea
#Tim extends the salsa bit into a fantasy pitch for a show where imprisoned pedophiles cook their signature dishes for parole boards to earn release.
3moments
- A real Austin Texas article about a woman making salsa.
- Tim imagines a pedophile's parole hearing where the board has to taste his salsa to decide whether to release him.
- Tim pitches a 'Top Chef' spinoff where imprisoned pedophiles cook their prison dishes and get parole if the food is good enough.
- 1 min
Letting the Salsa Guy Cook at a Restaurant for Ugly People
#Tim jokes about releasing the salsa-making stepfather to cook only at a restaurant staffed by unattractive adults.
3moments
- Tim proposes hiring a pedophile if he makes perfect guacamole—arguing against letting him rot away in jail.
- Nobody's working because of stimulus checks and companies won't pay—so release convicts to fill gaps.
- Let the guy make salsa at a restaurant where only ugly adults work, not kids—staffed by fours and fives.
- 1 min
Tim runs through upcoming tour dates (San Diego, Chicago), mentions the Patreon episode schedule and the Rothschild tier episode release.
3moments
- Tim apologizes to San Diego fans and announces December Chicago tour dates with tickets still available.
- Patreon episode with Andrew Sullivan dropping tomorrow; Rothschild tier episode available now featuring discussion about the state of America.
- They considered releasing the Sullivan interview as the main episode but worried it would anger people given the show ran late by about 48 hours.
- 2 min
Andrew Sullivan Interview Plug and the Weinstein/Harris Vax Debate Offer
#Tim plugs his interview with writer Andrew Sullivan and his new book, then closes with an absurd offer to sodomize himself dressed as Meghan McCain on air if Bret Weinstein and Sam Harris will debate the vaccine on his show.
3moments
- Andrew Sullivan's new book is called "Out on a Limb: Selected Writings"
- Sullivan is killing it on Substack where all the journalists are now
- Tim offers an open invitation: if Weinstein and Harris want to debate vaccines on his show, he will dress like Megan McCain and anally penetrate himself with a dildo