Episode 262 · The Ben Avery Era
Classic tier — a personal pick, not a popularity ranking#262 - We're Back | The Tim Dillon Show
Aug 1, 2021 · 1:06:16 · 585,000 views · 12 segments, 104 moments indexed
Live from Los Angeles, Tim weighs in on Simone Biles, what makes a great athlete, and an uplifting story between a father and son at Parkland.
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- 6 min
Irvine, Orange County, and Subprime Mortgages
#Tim opens from Irvine, California, riffing on the city being named after the Irvine Company, its ties to Countrywide and the subprime mortgage crisis, and comparing Orange County's culture (rock churches, tribal tattoos, boats) to Long Island.
8moments
- Orange County is the birthplace of subprime mortgages and the genre of reality TV that produced The Real Housewives of Orange County.
- Irvine is one of the only cities named after the company that developed it—the Irvine Company.
- Countrywide Home Loans, believed to be the largest subprime mortgage lender on the planet, started in Irvine.
- Irvine and Long Island were the two biggest areas for subprime mortgage banks and share identical demographics and culture.
- Orange County has rock churches where people worship and believe Jesus wants them to be rich and buy boats.
- TikTok kids eventually end up in Orange County looking for Jesus ten years later.
- The shows in Orange County have been bad—the venue is a massive room that feels like a Dave and Busters with screens, and he doesn't plan to return.
- An opener asked if Tim thinks he'll have a late career like Daniel Day-Lewis while they're both telling jokes in a mall in Irvine.
Orange CountyCountrywide Home LoansThe Irvine CompanyThe Real Housewives of Orange CountyDaniel Day-LewisJames IrvineIrvineLong Island+1 more
- 1 min
Bad Shows at the Orange County Dave and Busters
#Tim complains about a string of bad shows in Irvine, a giant Dave and Busters-like venue, an opener asking if he'll be the next Daniel Day-Lewis, and a masked club manager pretending to be regional staff.
4moments
- Regional manager shows up to the comedy club in a mask, thinking the audience doesn't know who he is.
- Tim points out the venue is essentially Chuck E Cheese, a comedy club hybrid.
- You can't demand respect while covered in a Darth Vader mask that hides your identity.
- Tim signals the show may not continue; he doesn't know if they're coming back until next year.
- 20 min
Simone Biles, Mental Health, and Why Athletes Shouldn't Think
#Tim goes on an extended rant about Simone Biles withdrawing from the Olympics, arguing athletes succeed because they're mentally simple 'machines' who shouldn't overthink, spirals into a bit about gymnastics being rife with pedophilia and stunted growth, claims male gymnasts are secretly gay, mocks Naomi Osaka for skipping press interviews, and delivers a mock pep-talk to Biles about shutting her mind off.
18moments
- Simone Biles dropped out of the Olympics and her sister defended her mental health on Twitter.
- Tim argues the Olympics is a scam and doesn't care who shows up, but he has a bigger problem with the fetishization of mental health.
- People diagnose themselves with disorders from Instagram posts and it's becoming a weird identity.
- Athletes don't have minds—their body is their temple and the mind should just be the operating system.
- Tim questions whether we're telling athletes to think too much, which makes them lose their minds.
- The vast majority of great athletes are not intelligent because they devoted their lives to something silly.
- Mental toughness is part of athletics, and the greatest players are mentally tough because many of them are stupid.
- If athletes couldn't do athletic things, they wouldn't be CEOs or running hospitals—they're driven by competition and physical prowess.
- Gymnastics is a sport of pedophiles that stunts girls' growth and keeps them like little dolls, with Larry Nassar molesting thousands.
- Men doing gymnastics are gay men unable to come out, and it's just a fact that everyone in gymnastics is gay.
- Tim would have preferred if Biles competed and lost instead of withdrawing, since it's funny when people phone it in.
- The twisties are like vertigo where she could think she's doing a flip and land on her head and die.
- We're confusing athletes by telling them to think when they should not—they need to stop trying to be experts in everything.
- Biles' mental health is deteriorating because she's realizing that all her achievement doesn't matter and the happiest people do nothing.
- Once you realize greatness doesn't make you happier, you have to shut it off and just do the flip.
- Bad actors exploit mental health to usher in mediocrity, like Naomi Osaka refusing interviews.
- Tim dismisses Osaka, saying she makes money to play tennis and should do the interviews—he's sick of hearing this stuff.
- Athletes are the best at what they do because they're stupid and don't question why they do it.
- 1 min
Tim reads a BetterHelp ad promoting online therapy and discount code, tying it loosely to the mental health theme.
1moment
- Mental health is all the rage right now, and we've given up on physical health to focus on mental health instead.
- 1 min
Tim reads a Magic Spoon cereal ad, touting low sugar and carbs, and announcing the return of cookies and cream and maple waffle flavors.
4moments
- Tim runs through Magic Spoon's nutrition specs: zero sugar, 13-14g protein, four net carbs, 140 calories per serving, keto and grain-free.
- Magic Spoon is bringing back cookies and cream and maple waffle flavors permanently.
- Tim directs listeners to magicspoon.com/timdillon and the promo code tim dillon for five dollars off.
- Magic Spoon offers a 100% happiness guarantee with full refunds if you don't like the product.
- 19 min
The Q Anon Dad Who Thinks His Son Faked Parkland
#Tim reads and riffs extensively on a viral Reddit story about a Parkland shooting survivor whose father became a QAnon believer and accuses his son of being a paid crisis actor; he imagines dinner-table confrontations, jokes about the son leaning into the conspiracy to torment his dad, and riffs on other 'red-pilled' family members and Jenny Slate's Big Mouth apology.
32moments
- Parkland survivor's father became Q anon believer and thinks the shooting was a hoax.
- Tim pitches the argument between survivor and father as a reality TV show nobody would miss.
- Tim reasons that for a father to choose Alex Jones over his child, the kid must be terrible.
- Imagined dinner scene: father insists at the table that his son is still pushing the Parkland story.
- Survivor's Reddit post goes viral on r/QanonCasualties, claiming media didn't contact him and he never sought attention.
- Survivor criticizes shooter's interrogation footage, calling him brain-dead but also a literal demon.
- Anti-vax nurses whispering conspiracy theories is funny if you've already accepted things won't get better.
- Father claims to have done body language analysis proving the shooter was a paid communist actor.
- Tim suggests the survivor might be a bad person—it's weird the father went down a rabbit hole without cause.
- Father drunk, directly accuses his son of being part of the conspiracy and demands he move out.
- Tim advises the kid to actually move out; living with an accusing parent is unreasonable.
- Q anon is capable of destroying people's relationships with their own family members.
- Tim sympathizes but remains firm: the situation is funny, horrible, and the kid should leave.
- Tim's own family members got caught in conspiracy theories—some liberals obsessed with Trump and Russia causing COVID variants.
- Q anon has attracted unstable people, which is unfortunate.
- The Parkland survivor needs to move out of the house immediately.
- Tim reflects on the survivor's text to family during the shooting—at least the father and son had closeness once.
- Tim imagines texting his own father during a shooting: the father would read it half-asleep and respond with indifference.
- Tim and his wife would have gotten excited about a school shooting alert, yanked tubes from him at the hospital.
- Tim advises not to be greedy expecting family relationships to stay perfect forever.
- The father is going through a rough patch being red-pilled; he'll eventually turn on the mother and someone will leave.
- Brain tumor or lead poisoning could explain boomer conspiracy rabbit holes.
- Tim applies pop psychology: the survivor shows signs of survivors guilt compounded by thinking he participated in a false flag.
- The kid feels guilty he participated in a false flag, but Tim argues historically it should be an honor.
- Tim's advice: move out until the kid can admit to his father what he's done.
- Tim suggests the survivor lean into the conspiracy: 'You don't even know what doors you're knocking on, Dad.'
- Tell the father you did 9/11 when you were eight—lean harder into the crazy than he does.
- Tim references Jenny Slate's apology for voicing a mixed-race character as excessive performative guilt.
- Go crazier than the father: tell him you're an alien with alien DNA, recruited for operations.
- Alternative approach: bond with father by hunting down the real Parkland killer together.
- Tim imagines O.J. Simpson and his son going out to find the real killer instead of confronting their issues.
- Accept that the father is imperfect and spend Sundays hunting for the real killer together.
Parkland shootingQAnonNicholas CruzMarjorie Taylor GreeneGeorge SorosJenny SlateO.J. Simpson
- 1 min
Tim reads a BlueChew ad about online erectile dysfunction medication, joking about hard dicks and equality.
5moments
- Tim describes BlueChew as prescription-strength Viagra and Cialis available online without a doctor's visit.
- No awkward pharmacy conversations or waiting in line—everything handled online and shipped discreetly to your door.
- Men everywhere excited to see the postman because their package has arrived—double meaning on 'package.'
- Hard dicks are good for everybody involved and help people become more equal.
- Special promo code TD for listeners: BlueChew free, just pay five dollars shipping for the first month.
- 2 min
Tim promotes Bird Dogs shorts, claiming the built-in liner makes underwear obsolete and touting the free whistle football promo.
4moments
- Bird Dogs shorts have a built-in silky soft inner liner that makes underwear obsolete and are the most comfortable shorts he's ever worn.
- Tim explains you can wear Bird Dogs without underwear anywhere, and if you take them off around people, make sure they've asked you to do it.
- Bird Dogs promotion includes a free whistle ball with purchase at birddogs.com using promo code tim dillon.
- Wearing Bird Dogs makes you feel sporty, cool, lighter, sharper, and better whether you're young and fun or old and not fun.
- 6 min
Delta Variant Returns and the Riots-vs-Covid Trade-off
#Tim jokes about breakthrough Covid case numbers returning to the news cycle, and pitches a dark joke that only civil unrest and riots make Covid coverage disappear, framing America's choices as either lockdown or mob violence.
11moments
- Tim recalls announcing death and sickness numbers at the start of every podcast during the height of COVID coverage.
- Breakthrough COVID cases among vaccinated Americans are being tracked despite the vaccine's purpose being to prevent death, not infection.
- During the riots, COVID dropped to the fourth news story because people were literally marching through streets burning buildings.
- Tim's solution to lowering COVID's importance: more civil unrest, riots, and arson to distract from the pandemic.
- Someone should CGI or fake a video of cops shooting an innocent person to make COVID go away again.
- If police shot an unarmed person and the video went viral, the delta variant and all its variants would disappear overnight.
- Tim encourages white people to stage a racist incident at a grocery store—"take one for the team"—to go viral and shift attention away from COVID.
- You can't have it all: choose between eternal COVID lockdowns or violent mobs burning cop cars in the streets.
- The media will have cameras in dying people's faces asking "can you breathe" if we choose forever lockdown instead of riots.
- Tim concludes that to any alien observing the last year of American history, the only options appear to be COVID spikes or street violence.
- A failed state offers two choices that both destroy your life and livelihood: federal government mismanaging a pandemic or sanctioning mass violence.
- 4 min
Athletes as the Ideal of a Silenced Mind
#Tim continues riffing on sports and athletes (mentioning Naomi Osaka and Simone Biles again), arguing athletes are important because they connect us to physicality over intellect, and jokes about athletes being 'naturally trans' in build.
7moments
- Sports offer people an escape from reality—Ray watches basketball constantly despite being 900 pounds and immobilized in a chair.
- Tim wakes up each day discovering new reasons he's supposedly a Nazi, as the definition changes overnight like COVID symptoms.
- Athletes matter not as a distraction but because watching physically perfect specimens connects us to nature and our primal stupidity.
- Sports connect us to childhood—before we polluted our bodies with pills, food, booze, drugs, and tattoos, which look grotesque on anyone.
- Athletes embody the ideal we all secretly want to be: perfectly stupid, showing us how to sweat, shred, and win without thinking.
- Male athletes are graceful and light on their feet while female athletes are often hulking with deep voices—both naturally trans as the body's evolution.
- The perfect state requires the body and mind working in synchronized agreement, which means shutting our minds off entirely.
- 2 min
Tim answers or makes a call to a restaurant (The Lofts at Laguna Beach) about a dinner reservation, spinning a bit where he claims the original reserving couple was mangled in a car accident and asks about the rotisserie chicken.
3moments
- Caller explains that the original dinner party can't make it because the couple was in a car accident and been "horribly mangled."
- Tim asks if the restaurant still has rotisserie chicken on the menu, suggesting he might come alone.
- Tim requests a table for four at 5 PM instead, explaining he'll find another couple to join.
lofts at montana beach
- 3 min
Closing Riff: Shut Your Mind Off and Land the Flip
#Tim closes with an extended mock pep-talk returning to the Simone Biles bit, telling her (and the audience) to silence their minds about death, love, and meaning and just perform, ending the show on 'good luck out there, don't get sick, get smart.'
7moments
- Sports connect us to a reality of the body, not the mind—great feats requiring physical and mental acuity.
- The world of the mind is garbage and will never be anything but a circle jerk; the mind is the problem.
- Tim's coaching advice: shut your mind off, don't think about 9/11, your life, love, death, family, or anything else.
- Don't think about the freaks they're not letting you take out, or that pedophile, or that everyone's a pedophile—just balance and flip.
- You'll land the flip because when you shut your mind off and let your body take over, you get the results you've always been getting.
- We need a champion—you are our champion, so learn to quiet your mind.
- Do something meaningless and stupid but do it perfectly, because that's life: meaningless and silly, but impressive when executed well.