Episode 225 · The Ben Avery Era
Classic tier — a personal pick, not a popularity ranking#225 - Friendsgiving | The Tim Dillon Show
Nov 8, 2020 · 1:20:46 · 566,000 views · 29 segments, 170 moments indexed
Recorded Friday night, Tim describes the perfect celebrity cast for the Friendsgiving he's planning, the end of a Trump era (and what's to come), and breaks down a depressing dining experience in Echo Park.
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- 4 min
Trump's Post-Election Death Rows and the Concession Question
#Tim opens by discussing Trump's dwindling inner circle refusing to concede, and questions whether the effort to fight the election results even makes sense given the alleged corruption Trump himself decries.
8moments
- Trump's aides are telling him it's time to let go, with a small group including Ivanka, Jared, and Rudy Giuliani pushing to not concede.
- Tim questions why Trump would continue if the deep state and government are hopelessly corrupt and he can't get anything done.
- The only reason to keep fighting might be for the rallies themselves, just to get out on stage like Springsteen and rock out.
- People at Fox News and wealthy Republicans who wanted Trump to win are telling Tim there's no real evidence of massive voting irregularities.
- Sure, there are probably some voting irregularities in every election, but the question is how many and how big of a problem they are.
- Tim thinks Trump probably lost, and unless you invalidate all mail-in ballots, you can't claim the election was stolen from him.
- People who took COVID seriously probably voted for Biden, and most COVID-concerned voters wouldn't vote for Trump anyway.
- Even Trump's close advisors are now telling him it's time to go.
Donald TrumpDonald Trump JrEric TrumpRudy GiulianiIvanka TrumpJared KushnerswampFox News+1 more
- 2 min
The Ultimate Scathing Concession Speech Fantasy
#Tim imagines Trump giving the most scathing, entertaining concession speech in history without naming Biden or Kamala, then resigning so Pence can pardon him.
4moments
- Tim pitches a fantasy concession speech where Trump gives one of the most scathing in American history without naming Biden or Kamala
- Don't even concede, just don't leave—or resign so Pence can pardon him for whatever comes after
- Tim stands by calling AOC a genocidal maniac on Twitter, notes that both young left and right wingers are done
- Corporate power won; the entire political apparatus, young and old, has been exhausted
- 2 min
AOC as a Genocidal Maniac and the Zoomer-to-Boomer Pipeline
#Tim calls out AOC for wanting to make lists of Trump supporters, argues both political extremes lost this election, and predicts young leftists will inevitably become complacent suburban boomers within a few years.
4moments
- The zoomer-to-boomer pipeline: young activists will forget their beliefs within a year, get jobs and relationships, and start wanting cruises and suburban restaurants.
- AOC's call to archive Trump supporters' tweets mirrors Trump's own impulse to make lists of enemies—same authoritarian instincts.
- Trump actually gained ground with African-American and Latino voters compared to Biden; young people stayed home as they always do.
- Both political extremes lost—Biden and Harris are essentially Republicans, so it's just business as usual.
- 3 min
Predicting a Return to Goofy Comedy Post-Trump
#Tim predicts that once Trump and COVID are over, entertainment will swing back toward silly, non-political comedy like Jim Carrey and Eddie Murphy, mocking late-night hosts like Colbert for constantly crying on air.
6moments
- Tim complains about being right all the time and people getting mad at him for it.
- Tim predicts a return to goofy, silly comedy once Trump leaves office and Covid ends.
- He expects comedians like Jim Carrey and Eddie Murphy to dominate, focusing less on political commentary.
- Late-night hosts crying regularly has already peaked the seriousness, so comedy can only get goofier.
- Tim mocks a late-night host dressed like a Vegas lounge singer and a divorced history teacher on a first date, making tens of millions a year.
- The absurdity of expensive celebrity styling compared to thrift-store divorced-dad energy.
- 8 min
The Depressing Waitress at the Closing French Restaurant
#Tim recounts dinner at Taix, a historic French restaurant in Echo Park being demolished for condos, and rants about a heroin-thin waitress who wouldn't stop unloading her personal problems and political opinions on the table.
10moments
- Tim critiques late-night comedy's approach to politics over the past four years.
- Dinner in an Echo Park parking lot surrounded by traffic cones because of COVID restrictions and Gavin Newsom.
- The waitress at Taix, a country French restaurant since 1927, looks visibly depressed and hasn't showered in weeks.
- Taix is closing to make way for a high-rise condo development in Echo Park.
- Tim recounts the waitress unprompted political commentary about the city councilwoman during their meal.
- Every server now wears their personal suffering on their sleeve and expects diners to absorb their misery.
- Tim describes the awkwardness of having to validate a server's complaints while trying to eat risotto.
- The waitress had the demeanor of someone with serious drug and alcohol problems, but without any joy or personality.
- Tim contrasts his own rough day—canceled Airbnb, argument with his opener—with going to work and keeping his mouth shut.
- Tim's principle: don't make everyone else participate in your misfortune by unloading during a service job.
- 4 min
The Fat Store, Cancer Kids, and DXL Rewards
#Tim rants about the guilt-tripping displays of cancer charity kids at the checkout of big-and-tall stores like DXL, and demands they switch to digital rewards instead of paper coupons for fat customers.
6moments
- Tim says the same bald cancer kid appears in donation requests over and over—he can tell them apart and doubts the money actually goes to them.
- People at the fat store resent being guilt-tripped by emaciated children at checkout while they're buying clothes; the donation pitch backfires.
- DXL's paper reward cards are a scam—they give fat customers a physical 25-dollar coupon that gets lost instead of sending digital rewards.
- Tim yells at DXL employees about the paper rewards, insisting no overweight customer will remember to bring back a piece of paper they'll probably eat.
- The fat store is depressing and Tim has been forced to shop there for three years; he's trying to stop going.
- Seeing someone significantly heavier than Tim walk into the fat store makes him feel attractive by comparison, lifting his mood instantly.
DXLSaint Jude Children's Research Hospital
- 1 min
Tim pivots into an ad for Lucy nicotine lozenges, pitching them as a cleaner alternative to vaping and dip for the Trump-loving audience.
3moments
- Tim requests that waitresses shut their mouths and stop telling him how long they've worked somewhere.
- Vaping and e-cigarettes are just as bad as smoking and people are dying, but they're not even cool anymore.
- Lucy nicotine lozenges come in four milligrams with flavors like cherry ice, wintergreen, cinnamon, and pomegranate.
- 2 min
The Lucy ad drifts into an elaborate bit imagining himself as a murderer standing over a body on a beach, thinking about everything except lighting a cigarette thanks to the lozenge.
5moments
- Tim notes his audience loves Donald Trump and many will smoke heavily, but should switch to Lucy nicotine lozenges instead.
- Tim visualizes his future self as a non-smoker standing over a dead body on a beach after blacking out and killing someone.
- The murderer in Tim's vision considers how the rage came from his depths and led him to push the victim off a cliff.
- While staring at the corpse, the killer obsesses over dissolving the body in lye acid and weighing it down to sink.
- Even while contemplating prison time for his crime, the killer's last concern is not a cigarette because he's taken Lucy nicotine lozenges.
- 3 min
Tim reads an ad for No Days Wasted, a DHM detox supplement meant to prevent hangovers, joking about using it to keep someone functional for work after getting them drunk.
6moments
- Lucy.co promo code tim — Tim pitches nicotine pouches to his smoking audience.
- No Days Wasted DHM detox helps you avoid wasting days if you like to get boozed up.
- Tim explains the product breaks down alcohol toxins so you forget the Sunday scaries and feeling like garbage.
- If you need brain power, clarity, and want to function as part of the workforce or your family, take these capsules.
- Tim's scenario: if you get someone really drunk but need them to work the next day, slip them this product.
- The detox ensures you do not feel wasted the next day and supports the show with 20 percent off at no days wasted dot co slash tim.
- 2 min
Milkshakes with Cody Ko at Slushy Land
#Tim describes filming a YouTube video with Cody Ko, trying weird cereal-based shaved ice desserts at a place called Slushy Land and not enjoying them.
5moments
- Tim taped a YouTube video today with Cody Ko, a funny and genuinely nice person.
- They went to try milkshakes at Slushy Land in LA, though Tim isn't really a milkshake guy.
- Slushy Land does the cereal ice cream thing; Tim doesn't understand the obsession with cereal-based nostalgia activities.
- They had weird shaved ice corn things at Slushy Land that turned out to be odd.
- Tim spit out the corn shaved ice and hopes the Slushy Land staff didn't see him doing it.
Cody CoSlushy Land
- 5 min
Redefining Friendsgiving and Corporate Music Festivals
#Tim explains his disdain for sanitized "young professional" Friendsgivings and corporate music festivals, preferring broken-down bar musicians, then reflects on wasting his cocaine years selling mortgages instead of partying.
8moments
- Tim hated friendsgivings and still does because he dislikes other people.
- Real friendsgiving in New York should be transgender or gay people kicked out of their homes doing cocaine in East Village bars, not young professionals talking about corporate music festivals.
- Young professionals following a paint-by-numbers life—checking boxes, going to the right schools, doing what everyone else has done—has never appealed to Tim.
- Corporate music festivals corral people onto Governor's Island to see a predetermined list of twelve acts, which Tim dislikes.
- Tim's music preference is for broken-down performers bleeding while singing one sentence over and over in Austin bars, not curated festival lineups.
- Seeing James McMurtry at midnight on a Wednesday at the Continental Club in Austin is the kind of unplanned, authentic music experience Tim seeks.
- Tim sobered up before corporate music festivals became designed activities for young professionals to do drugs at—he had to do cocaine in offices next to delusional middle-aged men.
- His drug use was doing lines in an office while fat guys ate chicken parmesan they could barely afford, not partying at themed drug events.
James McMurtryNew York CityContinental ClubLollapaloozaAustinGovernor's Island
- 1 min
The Cassoulet and the Cocaine-Fueled Mortgage Years
#Continuing his personal history, Tim laments spending a decade doing cocaine in a Long Island office trying to sell mortgages instead of living it up on a beach.
4moments
- Tim reflects on his drug use as a waste, wishing he'd spent it on Governor's Island instead of being high on cocaine at mortgage sales presentations.
- He dismisses complaints about restaurant closings, launching into his own trauma: fear-based sexuality, a schizophrenic mother, a father who sold nothing.
- Spent a decade on cocaine as a salesman in Long Island offices instead of relaxing on a beach, now just wants to eat cassoulet at the closing French restaurant alone.
- Tim ends the riff: he wants the meal without the listener's pain.
- 3 min
Dan's Cult Childhood vs. Real Horror
#Tim contrasts his opening act Dan's Christian cult upbringing in Texas with his own trauma, praising Dan for not understanding real horrors and thus being a relaxing presence.
7moments
- Tim values having Dan around because Dan doesn't understand he has problems, unlike Tim who catalogs his suffering constantly.
- Tim contrasts real horror with mundane complaints, asking why Dan's cult trauma means they can't just have chocolate mousse in a parking lot.
- Dan's biggest problem is that his mom was mean to him once, which Tim finds laughable compared to real suffering.
- Tim's mother collected Disney toy sets under her bed, and during Hurricane Sandy they all floated down the street in Long Island.
- When Tim starts screaming about horrors, Dan responds with irrelevant questions about girls in pools at frats, missing the point entirely.
- Tim goes to the gym and has to see skinny cancer-looking people on the way out, which depresses him every day.
- Tim keeps Dan around because he needs someone oblivious to balance out his own darkness and complaints.
- 2 min
Dan's Dad's Bronze Stars vs. Color Tile
#Tim compares Dan's father's military heroism (two Bronze Stars in Iraq) to his own father's failed career at Color Tile and driving a Mazda Navajo.
7moments
- Tim's father worked at Color Tile, where fat women from Long Island come in, and Tim thinks he got fired from it.
- Tim's father drove a Mazda Navajo, the vehicle for people who can't afford a Ford Explorer.
- Tim loves his father but says he's full of shit, similar to Tim himself.
- Tim argues you don't make many real friends by age 35, and friends are mostly a problem.
- Tim was recently made godfather to a beautiful baby boy because his friends know he now has money.
- Tim worries about the godson and feels he should probably be the one raising him instead of the parents.
- Tim's point: your friends become a liability.
Color TileIraqLong IslandFord Explorer
- 2 min
Becoming Godfather and the Le Cirque Sweater Trauma
#Tim discusses being made godfather to a friend's baby and the resulting liability of friendship, then recounts a humiliating childhood memory of wearing a cat sweater to Le Cirque with his mother.
6moments
- Tim becomes godfather to his friend Dan's six-week-old child and immediately gets hit up for money.
- Dan doesn't realize how good his life actually is, so Tim tells him constantly.
- Tim describes the nightmares and horrors of his own life to illustrate the point to Dan.
- The maitre d at Le Cirque immediately judged them upon arrival, acting like trash had walked in.
- Tim compares walking into Le Cirque in that sweater with his mother to getting shot by police—he thinks they're on par in terms of trauma.
- Tim insists he should talk to victims of police violence because they'd agree the sweater incident was equally bad.
- 3 min
Friends Are a Liability at 35
#Tim expands on why friendships become burdensome in your 30s, joking about having to potentially raise or call CPS on the baby he's now godfather to, then transitions into missing Trump and pondering the homelessness crisis.
8moments
- At 35, Tim feels full with friends and they're becoming a problem
- Tim can't take on another godfather role because this couple might need him to actually raise their kid
- He might have to call child protective services or a lawyer to avoid future embarrassment
- Tim misses Donald Trump already, even though he's not gone yet
- Jimmy Carter's post-presidency involves building houses for the homeless, which Tim finds boring
- Homeless people in LA live under overpasses while cars pass at 90 miles per hour—there's something impressive about that skill set
- A guy who walks across busy highways in sandals every day has something positive going on that Tim can't quite identify
- Tim looks at homeless people around town and thinks 'good for them'—they're really doing it
- 2 min
Make Homelessness Cool: A Branding Campaign
#Tim proposes a satirical positive branding campaign around homelessness, comparing it to 60s communal living and suggesting banners celebrating people for surviving another year homeless.
4moments
- Tim proposes putting up banners celebrating homelessness instead of shaming people for it.
- Since homelessness isn't going away and conditions aren't improving, why not run a campaign to make people feel good about being homeless.
- Tim pitches making homelessness cool—recalling the 1960s when living in communes and fields was seen as rebellious rather than shameful.
- The idea: make people feel cool for being homeless instead of treating it as a failure.
- 4 min
The Nightmare Friendsgiving Guest List Fantasy
#Tim fantasizes about inviting a bizarre mix of celebrities (Barry Weiss, Candace Owens, Ryan Phillippe, the Nelk Boys, Jeff Garlin) to a deliberately awkward and controversial Friendsgiving party.
6moments
- Tim says he lives on a highway and thinks that's badass, pivoting the conversation toward embracing unconventional lifestyles.
- Planning a Friendsgiving in LA requires COVID tests for all guests, so Tim wants to hire a doctor or nurse to administer rapid tests outside his home.
- Dream Friendsgiving guest list: NELK Boys, Barry Weiss, Ryan Phillippe, and Jeff Garland—all fans of the show.
- Tim proposes paying Candace Owens $10,000 to fly in and recreate the George Floyd incident with the NELK Boys at the party.
- Barry Weiss would then write an article defending the recreation as acceptable.
- Tim's actual goal for parties isn't fun or connection—he wants to fill the room with controversial figures, YouTubers, conservative pundits, and far-left people to create maximum awkwardness and suffering among guests who shouldn't like each other.
- 5 min
Steve Bannon Explains China to Jake Paul: The Ultimate Awkward Party
#Tim continues designing his ideal uncomfortable party, wanting to see mismatched narcissists like Steve Bannon and Jake Paul interact, and reflects on wanting to be amused by absurd juxtapositions of fame and controversy.
11moments
- Tim describes his ideal party: the opposite of fun, with people awkwardly discussing serious topics instead of socializing.
- Barry Weiss and Ethan Klein arguing in the kitchen about something, maybe finding common ground.
- Cody Co and Candace Owens discussing the appetizers at this hypothetical event.
- The party concept in full: sexless, awkward, stilted, anxiety-producing, strange, hellish, and pointless—designed purely to amuse him.
- Tim wants eggplant parmesan and people discussing the election, divided between YouTubers unaware an election happened and canceled people.
- A karaoke party lineup: Barry Weiss, Crystalia, Brian Callen, Candace Owens, Tim himself, NELQ people, possibly Don Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle.
- Steve Bannon explaining the China conflict to Jake Paul in a corner—the exact scenario Tim wants to witness.
- Tim sees these events as moments that amuse him but don't matter, because life itself is a joke.
- All the narcissists he'd invite share the same core trait: addiction to themselves and attention.
- Los Angeles people have no appreciation for good food, so serving them quality cuisine would be wasted on them.
- Manscaped is the best brand for grooming—better than the Norelco body groom and the only real competition on the market.
ManscapedBari WeissBrian CallanCandace OwensJake PaulSteve BannonCody CoDonald Trump Jr+5 more
- 2 min
Tim reads a straightforward ad for Manscaped grooming products for pubic hair trimming, praising the Lawnmower 3.0 trimmer and offering a discount code.
2moments
- Manscaped's nose and ear trimmer uses proprietary skin-safe technology to prevent nicks, snags, and tugs.
- He uses it himself and everyone he knows uses it—he doesn't even have to sell it because it actually works.
- 4 min
Tim tells an elaborate fictional story about being a child during a home invasion where robbers told him to keep eating his sugary cereal, leading into a Magic Spoon cereal ad.
10moments
- Tim describes his childhood cereal experience and being attacked by his sugar-addicted inner child.
- Home invasion story: masked gunmen entered his house and held his parents at gunpoint while he watched.
- The robbers grabbed his mother by the hair with a gun in her mouth, but Tim was less upset because she'd been rude that morning.
- Gunmen hit his father with the butt of a gun; they told Tim to keep eating his cereal and complimented it.
- Tim asked the robbers if they were going to kill his parents; they said no, they were just robbing the house.
- Tim wanted to recreate that feeling of eating sugary cereal while his parents got attacked, so he switched to Magic Spoon.
- Magic Spoon has zero sugar, 11 grams of protein, and only three net carbs—it's keto-friendly, gluten-free, and comes in four flavors including fruity and cocoa.
- Magic Spoon is backed by a 100% happiness guarantee with free shipping using code tim dillon at checkout.
- Tim recalls his mother telling him to do better in school right before the door opened and a gun went in her mouth.
- Tim says the robbers recognized his potential and saw he was a leader, which is why they told him to keep eating cereal like a king.
- 2 min
Thanksgiving Plans and Rescheduled Tour Dates
#Tim discusses staying in LA for Thanksgiving instead of Texas, complains about Cuomo's National Guard deployment in New York, and explains rescheduling comedy club dates in Denver, Omaha, and Kansas City due to COVID.
7moments
- Tim is staying home for the holidays instead of traveling
- Tim is fed up with New York despite wanting to return
- Tour dates in Denver, Omaha, and Kansas City have been rescheduled due to clubs cutting capacity
- Moving dates three months into the future to ensure full capacity venues for live shows
- Meanwhile, Tim and crew are continuing to podcast and trying to maintain social connections
- In your 30s, your friends are just people you've met rather than people you actually like
- The golden moments of friendship fade once reality sets in—college, money, and family dysfunction destroy youthful ambitions
- 2 min
Friends in Your 30s and Barry Weiss on The View
#Tim muses on how friendships in your 30s become just people you've met rather than people you like, then jokes about Barry Weiss joining The View and mocks Megan McCain's new baby and ranch.
7moments
- In your 30s, your only friends are people who tell you you're talented, then you discover they're living in a pool of blood.
- Tim describes his actual friend group: Ben, a frat kid named Dan who's smarter than most frat kids, Barry Weiss, Ryan, and Phil.
- Barry Weiss says incendiary things but her appearance suggests baked goods.
- Barry Weiss supposedly wants to have lunch with Tim, and he's open to it because he loves lunch.
- Barry Weiss and Megan McCain are on The View together, both described as having undergone surgery.
- Megan McCain gave birth and blocked Tim after he had some fun at her expense, though he says he did nothing wrong.
- Megan McCain looks good now, and Tim acknowledges it.
- 1 min
What If Trump Actually Wins the Recount
#Tim jokes about how funny it would be if Trump somehow won after a recount, mocking the Biden-Harris ticket as sounding like a scam.
4moments
- Tim imagines Trump winning the recount and laughing at the absurdity of it
- The Biden-Harris ticket sounds like a scam, Tim says
- Tim predicts Biden will last a year and a half before Harris takes over for eight years
- Tim wonders how anyone could follow Trump as president
- 2 min
The Candle of Idealism Snuffing Out
#Tim uses the Catholic candle-snuffer metaphor to describe corporate Democrats extinguishing progressive idealism, and predicts young Maga supporters and zoomers alike will get beaten into complacency by the system.
4moments
- Tim compares the snuffing out of political idealism to a Catholic candle ritual as corporate Democrats return to power.
- Young people removing their MAGA hats is how Zoomers become Boomers—idealism beaten out by the system over time.
- Tim advises escaping the system entirely: live somewhere with real friends and family, never participate, stay emotionally balanced.
- Whatever fascism comes to America will arrive with a donut—you'll take the pastry off the gun before it enters your door.
corporate DemocratsDonald Trump
- 2 min
Tim discusses upcoming YouTube sketches, merch like hoodies and mugs, Patreon content, and recent JRE appearances, wrapping up with more riffing on the fantasy Candace Owens Friendsgiving.
4moments
- Tim teases new sketches coming to YouTube, mentioning one that was briefly taken down and had to be fought to get back on.
- Everyone has a bag of rocks and doesn't need negativity brought to the dinner table—Tim's trying to escape bad things with food, not hear about them.
- A historic French restaurant in Echo Park is being demolished to make way for high-rise condos in an area Tim says should be firebombed.
- Tim hopes an upcoming party can be memorable and fun, then jokes that announcing it on the show probably just scared everyone off.
Echo ParkElaine Stritch
- 5 min
How Would Trump's Presidency End: Bud Dwyer Scenarios
#Tim speculates darkly and comedically about the most dramatic possible way for Trump's presidency to end, including comparisons to Bud Dwyer's on-camera death and disappearing without a trace.
8moments
- Tim pitches a Hollywood Friendsgiving scam where Candace Owens-style donation scheme for recounts draws in unsuspecting celebrities like Ryan Philippe and Jeff Garland.
- Tim promotes merch and website while joking that nobody has visited a website since 1986.
- Recent JRE appearances have been massive, including the Alex Jones episode and election coverage.
- What's the most gangster way for Trump to exit office — Tim compares it to Bud Dwyer calling a press conference.
- Trump could disappear on a plane and go radio silent, which would be unlike his entire persona.
- If Trump somehow wins through a vote recount, that would be the funniest possible outcome.
- What if Trump appointed himself to the Supreme Court or found some other loophole to stay in power.
- Tim concludes that Trump Bud Dwyer-ing himself would be the most historic moment ever.
Candace OwensDonald TrumpBud DwyerJoe Rogan ExperienceYes or yesJeff GarlinMegan McCain
- 3 min
Trump Flying Air Force One Into the Freedom Tower
#Tim and Ben riff on an increasingly absurd and dark hypothetical of Trump flying Air Force One into the Freedom Tower as a wild final act, closing out with merch mentions.
5moments
- Maybe Trump could become a terrorist by flying Air Force One into the Freedom Tower
- Tim admits flying Air Force One into the Freedom Tower is not the worst idea
- Tim wonders if Trump is considering it while discussing recounts and lawsuits with his people
- Tim notes they barely have a country but at least they have merch
- Tim hopes a depressed waitress goes home and realizes how lucky she is to be in the fight
- 1 min
Closing Wish for the Waitress
#Tim closes the show with a dark joke wishing the depressing waitress from earlier gets shot so no one has to hear her complaints again.
1moment
- Tim closes with a good night