Episode 220 · The Ben Avery Era
#220 - Hail Mary | The Tim Dillon Show
Oct 4, 2020 · 1:09:38 · 567,000 views · 25 segments, 161 moments indexed
Live from Nashville, Tim talks the AI Parkland video, explains why his opener got angry at him, why he might have to leave LA, and receives the news live about Trump on air.
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- 2 min
An ad plays featuring the parents of Parkland shooting victim Joaquin "Guac" Oliver, who used deepfake/AI technology to bring their dead son "back" to deliver a voting PSA about gun violence.
7moments
- Patricia Oliver introduces herself and her husband Manuel, whose son Joaquin was killed at Parkland two years ago.
- Nearly 100 families lose someone to gun violence every single day, she says, but people don't listen.
- The Olivers found a way to bring back someone no one will ignore — their dead son, reanimated for a PSA.
- The ghost of Joaquin appears, frustrated that nothing has changed in two years despite everyone knowing about gun deaths.
- Joaquin would have been able to vote in the upcoming election but will never get to choose the world he wanted to live in.
- He directs viewers to unfinishvotes.com to register and vote for politicians who prioritize people's lives over gun lobby money.
- Tim's closing reaction: "well that was fun."
Joaquin Olivergun lobbygun violence
- 3 min
Reanimating the Dead for Political Messaging
#Tim reacts to the deepfake PSA, joking he'd want Ridge Wallet to bring him back from the dead to sling promo codes, and suggests the parents should have made Joaquin a rapper or given him a viral dance challenge instead.
7moments
- Tim endorses reanimating corpses for political messaging as a good use of technology.
- Joaquin Oliver, who goes by Guac, supposedly asked to be reanimated if he died.
- Tim jokes about Ridge Wallet bringing him back from the dead to sling wallets.
- He'd prefer if they reanimated Joaquin Oliver to make a hit rap song instead.
- Tim pitches bringing him back for a TikTok viral dance challenge and hit song.
- The materialization of the dystopian scenario they discuss is no longer funny now that it's actually happening.
- They are literally bringing back a dead kid to make a PSA about voting.
- 2 min
The Dystopia Has Arrived
#Tim reflects that the dystopian future he's joked about for years on the show has now literally materialized, making it feel less funny now that it's real, while noting the makeshift Nashville studio setup.
3moments
- The president has COVID and the Doomsday planes are in the air—maybe Jimmy Fallon and the Muppets were right all along.
- The studio setup looks like veterans selling military medals at a Nassau Coliseum trade show.
- When Ben showed him the setup this morning, Tim realized the dystopia has actually arrived, not on its way.
- 2 min
Nashville Hot Chicken and Country Music Sadness
#Tim rants about Hattie B's Nashville Hot Chicken being disgusting bad meat covered in spice, then riffs on how sad and vulnerable country music performers are compared to stand-up comedians.
5moments
- Tim describes the dystopian present as a reality where no one knows if public figures are alive or dead, hidden and infected with covid.
- Nashville Hot Chicken at Hattie B's is disgusting—overspiced garbage meat for drunk people.
- Tim explains that excessively hot food exists only to mask bad meat quality.
- Locals eating Nashville Hot Chicken while drunk are trying and failing to become country music stars.
- Starting out in country or stand-up is equally depressing—performing in bars for drunks who don't care, then eating terrible hot chicken.
Hattie B's Nashville Hot Chickencountry musicLuke Bryan
- 7 min
Tim discusses a leaked Melania Trump phone call where she complains about doing Christmas decorations while being blamed for migrant children in cages, and riffs extensively on the transactional nature of her marriage to Trump and life as a put-upon billionaire's wife.
10moments
- White people love eating spicy food because it makes them feel ethnic.
- Melania Trump was caught on a leaked phone call complaining about Christmas decorations.
- Tim sympathizes with Melania being locked in a golden tower by a billionaire who cheats on her.
- If Donald Trump owned a plumbing company, he wouldn't be married to Melania Trump.
- Melania thought the White House was a dump when she first arrived.
- Donald and Melania have a deep affection for the poor despite living in an opulent gold fortress on Fifth Avenue.
- Tim often feels bad for billionaires because all their problems are just annoying inconveniences.
- A billionaire learns their friend was running a human trafficking ring and treats it as a minor annoyance.
- Real estate has moved on—you can do better than the White House by watching Million Dollar Listing.
- Melania is disgusted by the idea of American tourists taking daily tours through the White House.
- 2 min
The actual audio clip of Melania's leaked phone call plays, where she complains about media bias and being blamed for child separation policy while doing Christmas planning.
5moments
- Melania on the leaked audio: she was working on Christmas planning while children were separated at the border.
- She dismisses criticism by saying she tried to get kids reunited with their mothers but couldn't because of legal process.
- Melania claims the mainstream media won't cover her humanitarian efforts because they're liberal and against her.
- She suggests Fox News would run the story but insists she doesn't want to go to parks, then tells critics to give her a break about kids in cages during Christmas.
- Tim plays the moment where Melania says "give me a break with these kids in the cage" while they're having Christmas.
- 2 min
Melania Trump as Feminist Hero
#Tim declares his newfound love for Melania, calling her a feminist hero for financially exploiting Trump, and jokes about wanting to vote for her or Jill Biden instead of their husbands.
4moments
- Melania Trump is a feminist hero stealing Trump's money while he sleeps
- The Trump Christmas decorations looked like the White Witch from Narnia, compared to Obama's warm theme
- Tim considers voting for Melania instead of Donald, or for Jill Biden instead of Joe
- A Slovenian gold digger understands America better than Donald Trump ever could
Melania TrumpDonald TrumpJoe BidenStranger ThingsBarack ObamaJill Biden
- 1 min
Tim discusses the $220 million Doomsday planes being activated after Trump's COVID diagnosis, supposedly a coincidence, designed to withstand nuclear war.
3moments
- Doomsday planes were activated in the air right after Trump got COVID, but the government claimed it was a coincidence.
- Tim questions why they're called Doomsday planes if there's no particular reason for the name.
- There are four Doomsday planes total, but it's unclear how many were actually activated.
Doomsday planes
- 2 min
Tim reads a sponsor spot for Sheath Underwear, describing how it cradles your junk and is good for the pool, using promo code Tim for 20% off, while grumbling about awkward copy mentioning UFC fighters.
6moments
- Tim praises Sheath underwear for cradling your junk and giving you a subtle happy without being sweaty or weird.
- Promo code Tim saves 20 percent on Sheath, described as versatile for both underwear and bathing suit use.
- Sheath offers 100 percent money back on the first pair, positioning it as a small business with a great American story.
- Tim objects to the copy mentioning Sheath is worn by comedians and UFC fighters like Cowboy Cerrone and Ari Shaffir, saying that's not the pitch.
- He compares himself to luxury brand ambassadors and questions why he's selling underwear instead of pitching Dior or Chanel.
- Tim circles back to the basic sell: it's good underwear, you don't get sweaty, use promo code Tim for 20 percent off.
- 2 min
Tim reads an ad for BlueChew, the chewable erectile dysfunction medication, joking about SSRIs killing everyone's sex drive and promoting the promo code TD for a free first shipment.
5moments
- BlueChew has the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis, ships discreetly to your house, and you might fuck your way into someone with a lake house.
- Nobody's fucking anymore because people are on so many SSRIs their dick doesn't work, so you need BlueChew to stay on your game.
- Tim chews a BlueChew, wakes up, looks at his dick, says nice, and goes back to bed.
- Visit bluetooth.com with promo code TD for your first shipment free, just pay five dollars shipping.
- The only jobs left in America are people making BlueChew so you don't have to go to the doctor or wait in line at the pharmacy.
- 3 min
Sports Journalists Aren't Geniuses
#Tim recounts upsetting his opener Dan Carney by claiming sports journalists like Jemele Hill aren't intelligent, arguing that covering a simple game like basketball doesn't require genius while conceding some athletes and commentators like Bob Costas are smart.
7moments
- Dan Carney got upset with Tim for suggesting sports journalists like Jemele Hill aren't geniuses.
- Tim claims he was a great athlete—third fastest butterflyer on Long Island at seven years old.
- Most journalists covering politics aren't bright; Tim respects about five of them.
- You can't tell anyone under 30 they're not the greatest thing to exist on Earth or they act abused.
- When Tim denigrated professional sports talk, the friend got defensive because he had a basketball podcast.
- Tim questions how many real geniuses are in the sports journalism crew.
- Sports journalists analyze balls going in a hole—that's essentially what they're doing.
sports journalismBob CostasDan CarneyJami HillBill SimmonsBrian Gumbel
- 5 min
Sports Are Simple, Athletes Are Dumb
#Tim expands his theory that sports are inherently simple (a ball going in a hole) compared to complex topics like geopolitics, and argues that being unintelligent is actually an asset for athletes since overthinking hurts performance.
8moments
- Sports can be understood by children because they're simple—a ball goes in a hoop.
- Golf is straightforward: you hit a ball in the woods. Tiger Woods became great because his father told him he would be.
- Tim dismisses people who recap reality shows as not particularly intelligent, despite being crafty and savvy.
- There aren't many smart people on the planet, and being one of them is a curse Tim would rather avoid.
- Sports podcasts aren't genius-level work because sports themselves aren't complex—you buy good players and replace injured ones.
- Tim respects athletes who work hard daily to develop their physical abilities, even if they're not bright.
- Being dumb is actually a great asset for athletes—too much intelligence becomes a curse when you need tunnel vision focus.
- Athletes excel because they're a little dull and dense, unable to let their minds wander in multiple directions during competition.
Tiger Woodssports
- 3 min
Majoring in Sports Like Majoring in Tits
#Tim continues mocking his opener's basketball podcast, comparing men's obsession with sports careers to women majoring in fashion, and mocks sports medicine majors and college kids without market-viable talents.
7moments
- Tim complains about a young guy who adopts a serious tone when discussing sports, as if sharing essential wisdom about teams he doesn't play for or make money from.
- Men treat sports the way women treat fashion—everyone likes it, everyone thinks there's a job in it, but most won't become Dave Portnoy or Tory Burch.
- Majoring in sports is like majoring in tits: everybody likes both, but liking something doesn't make it a viable career path.
- Hot women like fashion because they like looking hot, not because fashion is actually a job, though some rare cases like Melania exist.
- Tim describes someone he knew who majored in exercise science—essentially majoring in the elliptical or jerking off an ex-major league baseball player.
- Sports medicine as a major: what is it actually about, just applying knee cream to things?
- Studying fitness, treadmills, weight training, and the ketogenic diet—these don't constitute an actual major, and the people pursuing them aren't particularly intelligent.
Golden State WarriorsDave PortnoyMelania Trump
- 2 min
Nashville vs Texas, Thinking About Moving to Austin
#Tim compares underwhelming Nashville audiences to great Texas crowds, then reveals he and Ben are considering leaving California for Austin, Texas, listing LA's problems including fires, homelessness, and taxes.
6moments
- Texas audiences have been better than Nashville despite selling out six shows there.
- Catalogs the reasons to leave California: economic collapse, fires, homelessness, civil unrest, racial tension, policing issues, lack of freedom, disease, high taxes, mismanagement, earthquakes, death of Hollywood.
- Everything is independent now and you don't need to be in Los Angeles for opportunities anymore.
- Tim and Ben literally threw a pin at a map of America in the dark to decide where to move.
- The pin landed on Austin, Texas.
- If they move to Austin, Tim imagines they'll probably be the biggest podcast in the city.
- 4 min
LA's Two Extremes: TikTok Kids and Fame Holdouts
#Tim describes LA's two types of people — young TikTok stars burning bright and aging celebrities who won't let go of fame, comparing the latter to the dying cat character Grizabella from Cats, and questions his own place in Hollywood.
8moments
- LA has two extremes: 16-year-old TikTok kids getting chased by paparazzi and quick-burning their careers, and older people who won't let fame go.
- TikTok kids are relevant for no reason, just followed around by paparazzi making money while in a haze, not even aware of what's happening.
- Tim describes aging celebrities as people who've already achieved their goals but nobody's told them it's time to leave—they keep coming back for the pep rallies and homecoming.
- Comparing fading celebrities to Grizabella from Cats, an old ratty cat that doesn't know it's time to die—in Hollywood there's a bunch of ratty cats walking around not realizing they should leave.
- Whitney Cummings kept rescuing a dying cat and posting it on Instagram, but the cat just wanted to die alone like cats naturally do.
- Tim questions his own place in LA and his purpose there among all these people.
- Sitting at Boa Steakhouse watching TikTok kids with face tattoos on unknown drugs, dancing in front of their food and making more money than he could imagine.
- Tim wonders if his role in LA is just to sell merchandise—new drops, new merch, things people wear that he sells.
Whitney CummingsJake PaulTikTokThe Comedy StoreBoa SteakhouseFake business
- 2 min
The Merch Drop Culture and Nelk Boys
#Tim mocks the modern obsession with merchandise drops among influencers, questioning whether comedians are now expected to be fashion designers, while giving grudging respect to the Nelk Boys for embracing chaos.
7moments
- Tim explains he'll do merch but won't let it become his whole identity.
- The Nelk Boys make billions every time they drop merch.
- Tim respects the Nelk Boys for embracing chaos—telling kids to do drugs, jump in pools, and recreate 9/11.
- Young kids go wild for Nelk merch, but Tim questions whether hanging around LA discussing hoodies until you kill yourself is actually the point.
- Merch is a joke and a bit, but he won't sit down and design like he's a fashion designer.
- Comedians are now also stylists—imagine telling Sam Kinison he's a tent preacher doing a new ship station line.
- People are buying e-commerce inventory and selling it online as a business.
- 2 min
Tim reads an ad for ShipStation, an e-commerce shipping management platform, promoting 60 days free with promo code Tim Dillon while joking about shipping empty boxes to people.
5moments
- Tim pitches ShipStation as a tool to handle back office work so you can keep making whatever garbage you're selling online.
- ShipStation eliminates the hassle of e-commerce by utilizing all major shipping companies and finding the best rates for your volume.
- Tim negotiates with the listener over the free trial length: they want three months, he insists it's only 60 days because "it's still America."
- Using promo code Tim Dillon at ShipStation gets you 60 days free—the first two months on the house.
- Tim admits he doesn't even have a business; he just ships blank boxes to people and tells them it's peace of mind courtesy of ShipStation.
- 1 min
Tim reads the long-running Ridge Wallet ad, describing the titanium carbon fiber wallet as sleek and modern, promoting 10% off with code Tim at ridge.com.
6moments
- Ridge wallet is the product they've been advertising on the show the longest, made of titanium and carbon fiber.
- Tim explains how it forces you to pare down unnecessary stuff you normally carry in a wallet.
- The wallet is discreet and easy to sanitize by rubbing it between your hands with some sanitizer.
- Tim contrasts it with old leather wallets full of business cards from people who never did business and cash from strippers.
- All the podcasters love it because it's easy and great, with lots of product options available.
- Use code TIM at ridge.com Tim for the discount.
- 4 min
Where Comedy Fits in Dying LA
#Tim questions his place in LA's collapsing comedy scene, comparing mentally ill comedians, the closure of comedy venues, and the absurdity of restaurants like Saddle Ranch where TikTok teens throw chicken fingers.
10moments
- 97 percent of comedians are mentally ill; 3 percent are mentally ill and funny.
- LA only has two or three comedy clubs—the Comedy Store, the Improv, and the Ice House—and no one knows when they're open.
- Someone ratted out the Comedy Store's plan to do shows in the park.
- The Saddle Ranch, a horrific chicken-finger restaurant next to the country bar, is the most popular in LA; TikTok kids throw food at each other there.
- Tim questions how anyone grows old in LA with dignity and why RuPaul went into fracking instead.
- He used to like LA when he'd sit in Benjamin's garage watching Infowars and doing sketches, then going to the House of Pies.
- The entertainment business has melted; it's goo on the ground now.
- Having a TV show is embarrassing—people ask if you're the guy from that show on TruTV about whose dog house is better.
- Someone claims to recognize Tim from a hot-dog-eating challenge show, which he denies while asking to be driven home.
- TV is already an embarrassment; enough is enough, even though Reno 911 was arguably one of the funniest shows.
Saddle RanchThe Comedy StoreThe Ice HouseRuPaulHouse of PiesReno 911
- 4 min
The Death of TV and Streaming Flops Like Quibi and Peacock
#Tim discusses the embarrassment of having a TV show today, mocking failed platforms like Quibi and NBC's Peacock, and reflects on how the show itself (studio, videos, guests) is really the only stable thing left in a collapsed industry.
11moments
- Quibi was an app that made you download it to watch shows in seven-minute increments.
- NBC keeps launching streaming services with dumb names like Peacock.
- The name Peacock sounds like a gay bar.
- Tim: the show itself is determined entirely by what he and his team decide to make it—no external components.
- He has a bleak view of the future of mainstream television and his place in it.
- LA isn't worth living in without those reasons—the beach is okay but the cost is too high compared to places like Austin.
- Tim doesn't think LA will remain the hub of comedy.
- New York has a lot of pain ahead and he's not moving back there with de Blasio.
- The idea of New York becoming gritty again with talented artists moving back is nonsense—there's no David Byrne caliber talent, just hacks.
- Most comedians right now should be locked at home; there should be contact tracing for comedians to see who they've been around.
- He's not too impressed with New York comedy at the moment.
New YorkBill de BlasioQuibiPeacockLos AngelesDavid ByrneCBGBAustin
- 2 min
Not Going Back to New York Under de Blasio
#Tim explains why he won't move back to New York, criticizing Mayor de Blasio and arguing the current NYC comedy scene lacks the talent of past eras despite people hoping the city gets 'gritty' again.
6moments
- Tim doesn't have time to wait through another political cycle at 35 years old.
- He's trying to start a harem of lacrosse players, not wait around for de Blasio to be ousted.
- The president is quarantining two weeks before the election, and dead Parkland kids are being used in voting PSAs.
- Tim says something worse is coming and people need to decide where they want to be physically when it arrives.
- This trouble has been happening for decades if you've actually read books about it.
- He was genuinely shocked today when he saw that a kid got recreated.
- 5 min
Tim reads breaking news that President Trump is being taken to Walter Reed hospital with COVID symptoms, receiving an experimental antibody cocktail, and discusses the seriousness given his age (74) and weight.
9moments
- Tim calls Trump's hospitalization very bad news and expresses concern about the country's vulnerability.
- The country is on the brink of challenges with historically low trust in institutions, pandemic, economic collapse, and a contentious election a month away.
- Tim quotes Shakespeare's "hell is empty and all the devils are here" and compares the moment to 2009, which was far less dire.
- Tim recalls Bill Hicks's joke about Yul Brynner's posthumous anti-smoking PSA.
- Trump's hospitalization on an experimental antibody cocktail could indicate a war with China or more serious complications.
- At 74 years old, overweight, and with a bad diet, Trump is exactly the demographic coronavirus targets.
- If Trump's condition worsened, it would be among the wildest events in American history outside of World War II or the Civil War.
- The situation highlights how silly and unserious Los Angeles appears when real crises unfold across the country.
- Boris Johnson recovered from coronavirus hospitalization at age 56, making Trump's situation at 74 more precarious.
Donald TrumpBoris JohnsonBill HicksYul BrynnerWilliam ShakespeareMike Pence
- 5 min
A Day of Apocalyptic News: Parkland Deepfake, Earthquakes, and Trump's COVID
#Tim recaps the surreal day's news all at once — the reanimated Parkland victim PSA, election irregularities, California earthquakes, mediocre hot chicken, and now Trump hospitalized — declaring it a uniquely insane confluence of events.
9moments
- Tim woke up to a deepfake video of a murdered Parkland student delivering an anti-gun PSA.
- Voting irregularities are already appearing weeks into absentee voting while trust in institutions hits record lows.
- Earthquakes near Tim's home in California's desert could indicate a larger quake coming.
- Tim defends Melania Trump as a tough Eastern European while comparing her to being shipped over in a crate.
- The country is on the verge of civil war, cold war with China, trade war, and endless grift all in October.
- Trump could die during one of Tim's comedy shows, creating an awkward situation if a heckler made a joke about it.
- Tim would stop the show if Trump died, citing tragic developments, but still try to sell merchandise outside.
- Tim compares the current moment to the chaotic Willy Wonka boat ride scene.
- YouTube will take all the money because the Wonka scene is copyrighted.
- 2 min
Hoping for a Fair Election Amid Chaos
#Tim hopes for Trump's recovery and a fair, trusted election outcome, jokingly noting that even under a military dictatorship they'd still be selling merch hoodies.
5moments
- Tim expresses hope for the president's speedy recovery, a fair election, and confidence in democracy.
- Even under a military junta dictatorship, merch will still be sold—the commerce continues.
- He compares the current moment to a Hail Mary play in football, suggesting desperation.
- Broadcasting from end times is an odd place to plug tour dates.
- Tour dates announced: Salt Lake City, Tampa, Palm Beach, Chicago, Oklahoma, Denver, Kansas City, and Phoenix.
- 1 min
Tim runs through upcoming tour dates in Salt Lake City, Tampa, Palm Beach, Chicago, Oklahoma, Denver, Kansas City, and a struggling Phoenix market, closing with a joke about Trump's recovery and Melania at his bedside.
2moments
- Tim hopes Donald Trump rises like a phoenix
- The wheels have come off society more quickly than Tim can describe