Episode 216 · The Ben Avery Era
Classic tier — a personal pick, not a popularity ranking#216 - A Good Deal | The Tim Dillon Show
Sep 6, 2020 · 1:27:43 · 658,000 views · 28 segments, 187 moments indexed
Tim goes off this week on people that love the outdoors, the child he'd like to raise, the wealthy's perspective on the ongoing culture war, and Tim shows his support for the military!
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- 1 min
Cold Open: Broadcasting from the Desert
#Tim opens describing recording from a scorching California desert during a heat wave and wildfires, joking about planting his flag on the surface of Mars.
2moments
- Tim opens the show broadcasting from the desert without Wi-Fi during a California heat wave, 118 degrees, with wildfires and scorched earth everywhere.
- He's chosen to plant his flag in the middle of the desert, literally on the surface of Mars, for a few more months before rejoining society.
- 2 min
Stress Factory Outdoor Shows and Getting Back on the Road
#He praises the Stress Factory's outdoor comedy setup in New Jersey, talks about selling out shows, and discusses cautiously returning to touring as clubs reopen at reduced capacity.
5moments
- Tim thanks the crowd at Stress Factory in New Jersey and calls it the best comedy club in America right now.
- The Stress Factory owner invested heavily in a fully functional outdoor comedy club with 150 seats, lighting, and sound that feels like a festival.
- Four shows at Stress Factory sold out immediately, with more dates being announced.
- Tim addresses comedy clubs reopening at reduced capacity and socially distanced setups across the country.
- Tim explains he needs to get back out on the road because being a comedian on stage is part of what he does.
- 3 min
Covid Becomes QAnon for the Left
#Tim argues that pandemic paranoia has become an obsessive ideology for boomers on the left similar to QAnon on the right, recounting his aunt quoting statistics and models in a cab ride, and notes most working people never got to quarantine.
8moments
- Tim compares Covid obsession to QAnon for the left—a conspiracy mindset that has infected both sides of politics.
- The incessant need to sit at home, drink wine, and imagine worst-case scenarios about Covid is infecting the body politic.
- Any boomer plugged into politics heavily is either hardcore QAnon or hardcore Covid—they live in one extreme or the other.
- When somebody has statistics ready and starts talking about charts at dinner, it's a problem and the night won't be good.
- Tim's aunt called him in a cab and started talking about models they'd built and where everyone's going to die.
- Over the last six months, nobody really knows anything about Covid—some people have been more right than others, but we're still figuring it out.
- Doctors now have a better way to treat Covid with a cocktail of drugs and using ventilators as a last resort.
- It's time to start dipping our toe back out there and going back to work—there's no other option and no vaccine may ever come.
- 2 min
Nobody Actually Wants the Vaccine Needle
#He riffs on how everyone supports the idea of a coronavirus vaccine existing but nobody personally wants to be first in line for the shot, joking about Bill and Melinda Gates and giving it to "the others."
7moments
- Tim has never gotten a flu vaccine and has never had the flu.
- He's made a personal decision not to get the coronavirus vaccine, acknowledging he may regret it later.
- Everyone wants other people to get vaccinated so they can go to dinner, just not themselves.
- He imagines the coronavirus vaccine as an abstract concept he'll read about in the news, not something he'll actually get.
- The vaccine is a positive idea for society overall, but Tim doesn't want to personally be one of the first trial subjects.
- Tim suggests the elderly and people with pre-existing conditions should get it first to see if it works.
- He clarifies he's not making a racial statement when he says 'the others.'
- 3 min
Cops Working Through COVID and the Spit Hood Video
#Tim discusses essential workers including police staying on the job during the pandemic, then pivots into disturbing footage of police restraining and suffocating a man with a spit hood.
8moments
- Comedians criticizing road comics for working during COVID usually haven't been on the road themselves.
- Tim never judged people who went to work or got vaccinated during the pandemic; he does what he thinks is appropriate.
- Cops have been working throughout COVID, including in major cities.
- Tim describes a video of police putting a hood over a suspect's head, causing him to suffocate when pushed to the ground.
- Officers claimed they used the spit hood because the man had COVID-19 to protect themselves.
- Tim wants to defend police more but knows people personally who are cops with guns and shouldn't have guns.
- The police screening process is apparently the problem, as evidenced by officers smashing people into the ground.
- Putting hoods on people is comparable to how Ellen DeGeneres treated her staff.
- 2 min
Halloween Pop-Up Store: Don't Dress as Run DMC
#A trip to a desert Halloween pop-up store featuring gold chains, hoop earrings, and inflatable boom boxes leads to a bit warning white people not to dress as Run DMC or in costumes that will get them fired given current race relations.
3moments
- Tim describes finding a Halloween pop-up store section with inflatable boom boxes, gold chains, and hoop earrings.
- Tim warns that section of the store is where people will lose their jobs this Halloween.
- He advises dressing as a sexy cat instead of showing up to office parties with gold chains and Run DMC costumes.
race relationsLos AngelesHalloweencostume design
- 1 min
Sexy Derek Chauvin Halloween Costumes
#He jokes about cop-themed Halloween costumes taking a hit this year and imagines parents forcing their kids to dress as police instead of what they want to be.
2moments
- Tim jokes about dressing up as a sexy Derek Chauvin for Halloween.
- Halloween falls right before the election, and media reports insist everything should go off without a hitch, yet they simultaneously warn of civil unrest every minute.
- 6 min
Trump Doesn't Understand the Military
#Riffing on the Atlantic article about Trump's alleged disdain for the military, Tim argues Trump is genuinely confused by anyone who'd risk their life for modest pay, contrasting military sacrifice with Trump's transactional worldview.
10moments
- Trump is telling people to vote twice.
- Trump doesn't like the military and doesn't respect people who wear uniforms for low pay.
- Trump is genuinely confused as to why anybody would do anything that doesn't net them a lot of money and the ability to live in a mansion.
- Tim questions whether anyone truly believes Trump understands the sacrifices that servicemen and women make.
- Trump has never done anything in his entire life that doesn't directly benefit him.
- The Atlantic published an article by Jeffrey Goldberg quoting officials claiming Trump disdains the military.
- The military does not want Trump; high-ranking Trump administration officials confirmed this to Fox News.
- Trump's threat to deploy the military domestically hurts recruitment numbers because no one signs up thinking they'll fight on American streets.
- Explaining to Trump why someone joined the military to make a sacrifice for others' freedom would be like speaking an alien language to him.
- Tim would understand military service better if recruits were honest about wanting to kill people rather than claiming they're securing freedom.
- 6 min
Nobody Understands Why People Take Dangerous, Low-Paying Jobs
#He extends the military discussion to cops, firemen, and comedians, questioning why anyone chooses risky or grueling careers without guaranteed payoff, including a graphic tangent about a fireman's anatomy and jokes about L.A. wildfires.
11moments
- Tim admits he barely understands why people take dangerous, low-paying jobs, and would need to be in the military to do it himself.
- He sides with Trump's confusion about military service, imagining Trump asking him over steaks why anyone would do it.
- Tim pushes back on the fantasy that Trump is a proud military historian—he just wants better civilian leadership and veteran healthcare.
- Analyzing the decision to join the military, he notes it requires a level of selflessness and bravery that most millionaires don't grasp.
- People get high on different things: some like danger, some like risk, some want physical work—while Wall Street types put financial risk on the line instead.
- Tim doesn't understand why anyone becomes a cop, though he gets firemen because there aren't many fires and they eat big meals in the firehouse.
- Recounting a story about a volunteer fireman after 9/11, he digresses about firefighter anatomy before pivoting to LA's recurring fire problem.
- He questions whether firefighting is even worth it when fires come back every year and people get evacuated multiple times.
- Becoming a comedian is impossible to explain: work ten years, maybe get funny, then somehow market it—a brutal process no one understands.
- Americans don't understand any job that doesn't immediately produce financial results; Trump specifically doesn't grasp that some people answer a calling rather than play a game.
- Tim notes it would have been nice if the article he's responding to had sourced its claims.
- 4 min
Tim and Benjamin Avery read a ShipStation ad promoting easy shipping management for online businesses and a 60-day free trial with offer code TIMDILLON.
8moments
- Tim discusses how people with online businesses—artists, collectors, brokers—need to ship things and should use ShipStation.
- ShipStation is described as the easiest way for any size business to manage outgoing shipping and orders without getting bogged down.
- Tim argues you should focus on your craft, marketing, and business growth rather than the backend office functionality of shipping.
- ShipStation allows you to easily scale services up or down depending on business volume and track all orders very simply.
- Tim admits that creative people like himself can't be bothered with the nuts and bolts of shipping logistics.
- He insists your effort and energy should go into what got you to start the business in the first place, letting ShipStation handle the rest.
- The Tim Dillon Show listeners can try ShipStation free for 60 days using offer code tim dillon.
- Instructions given to visit shipstation.com and enter offer code tim dillon at the top of the home page.
- 3 min
He promotes Ridge Wallet's sanitizable, slim design as ideal during pandemic chaos, touting a 10% off and free shipping deal.
8moments
- Tim pitches Ridge Wallet as essential during times of chaos, looting, rioting, and biblical plagues.
- The wallet lets you organize what matters—debit card, credit card, hundred dollar bill, attorney's phone number, next of kin.
- Ridge Wallet doesn't look like a wallet, so nobody will try to rob you for it.
- Tim says everyone he knows has a Ridge Wallet; anyone without one lacks originality and isn't taking life seriously.
- Buy Ridge Wallets for your children and family; you can sanitize it easily by putting it between your hands with a little sanitizer.
- The offer: 10% off with free worldwide shipping and returns at ridge.com.
- Tim is amazed Ridge is giving 10% off and free shipping, noting it has over twenty thousand five-star reviews.
- Tim threatens to kill Ben if he doesn't use the Ridge Wallet link in the description.
- 7 min
Tim discusses an Atlantic magazine cover story about a trans child whose family didn't know they'd be featured, then riffs into a hypothetical about wanting his own hypothetical child to be a ruthless, non-binary financial criminal.
10moments
- The Atlantic ran a cover story on transgender kids featuring a child who didn't know they'd be on the cover.
- The magazine put the child on the cover with the headline 'Your Kid Is Trans' without the family's knowledge.
- Tim read the article about the debate around children who want to transition and explains his position on the subject.
- He won't engage in every cultural fight and cites Brett Weinstein and Heather Heying as examples of people who do.
- If he has a child, Tim says he'd encourage them to become a financial criminal in banking or private equity.
- He'd hope his child would be like the non-binary character on Billions—amoral and skilled at infiltrating institutions.
- Tim describes the ideal child he'd want to raise: obsessed, driven, and displaying tremendous skill at something.
- He wants a kid who would look at him with disgust and ask what his legacy is, making him crumble.
- Tim reflects on what kind of grandparents a hypothetical child would have, noting his mother is insane and his father has a putting green.
- He acknowledges his parents gave him no guidance, so any child of his would get none from that side either.
The AtlanticBobby FischerBrett WeinsteinHeather HeyingBillions
- 1 min
His Parents as Hypothetical Grandparents
#A short riff imagining his insane mother and golf-obsessed father as grandparents, joking that his hypothetical child would get zero guidance from them.
2moments
- Tim's parents, like many boomers, are just on a sailboat with the wind blowing them around, landing wherever it takes them.
- When asked where grandma and grandpa are, the answer is grandma's in a mental institution and grandpa's putting in his backyard.
- 3 min
Democracy Hasn't Worked and the Radical Center
#Tim floats the thesis that democracy/the republic has failed, contrasting street radicals (BLM/Antifa and ethno-state gamers) with a citation of Dave Smith's point about how disconnected the moderate elite center actually is.
8moments
- Tim's thesis: democracy has not worked—put that out as a starting premise and work backward from there.
- The U.S. is not actually a democracy or a republic anymore, but an oligarchy that's also failing.
- BLM and antifa types knocking over restaurants are nuts because their actions have no logical path to an equitable society.
- The actual goal should be changing specific laws to maximize opportunity, not broad 'eat the rich' rhetoric that never works.
- The other side of eat the rich is just authoritarian socialism run by corrupt leaders who destroy everything—historically what always happens.
- You can actually do pinpoint things like eliminate the carried interest loophole on Wall Street instead of trying to change everything at once.
- People on both extremes—antifa smashing brunch tables and right-wing ethno-state gun enthusiasts—aren't going to run a real great society.
- Comparing the options: seventeen-year-old gamers wanting to bring back the monarchy versus fat non-binary women from Seattle—both bad for society.
Yes or yesDave Smith
- 7 min
Hamptons Elites Think Problems Are 'Just on Twitter'
#He recounts arguing with wealthy Hamptons acquaintances who dismissed unrest as a social media exaggeration, and breaks down how concentrated wealth also concentrates political power, undermining voting.
9moments
- Tim on how radical the center actually is, citing Dave Smith's point about elite detachment.
- Centrists define the safe choice as eternal war, financial collapse, and no healthcare.
- Tim talks to Hamptons elites who insist the problems are mainly on Twitter while cities burn.
- A wealthy person asks him what's actually wrong with wealth inequality.
- Tim explains that when money concentrates in one group, they control all political power too.
- Hamptons elites respond that people can just vote to solve the problem.
- Rich kids claiming to be communists actually just want attention they can't buy with money.
- Wall Street figures in the Hamptons are incredibly detached from what is actually happening outside their bubble.
- Saying problems are mainly on Twitter reveals complete removal from reality, which is why these elites cannot chart the right course.
- 3 min
Biden as a Corpse Candidate and Antifa Should Hit Beverly Hills
#Tim argues Biden was chosen as a lifeless continuation of establishment policy, then jokes that Antifa should target Beverly Hills restaurants because celebrities would be forced to performatively agree with the destruction of their own hangouts.
5moments
- Biden was chosen because he is a corpse and a company man who'll maintain the same destructive policies that created Trump.
- Politics has become purely aesthetic—Beyoncé shaking her ass and having a trans Batman—while workers and families get nothing.
- Antifa should stop targeting middle-class brunch spots in DC and start knocking over restaurants in Beverly Hills instead.
- Celebrities would be forced to publicly agree with the protests—Sofia Vergara, Reese Witherspoon, Aaron Paul—because disagreeing would look bad.
- These celebrities can't say the destruction is absurd; they have to sit there and cheer it on while the poor restaurant owner watches his place get trashed.
Joe BidenBeyoncéReese WitherspoonSofia VergaraAaron PaulBette MidlerBarack Obama
- 3 min
Tim reads a BetterHelp ad about online therapy accessibility and affordability, offering a 10% off first month discount code.
6moments
- Tim describes his own emotional problems — getting sad or sometimes too happy, which he notes is off-putting to people.
- Better Help's online availability is preferable because therapists in many areas aren't locally available, especially during COVID.
- Tim contrasts online therapy with traditional office visits, where you have to pay for parking and worry about the therapist chewing on a bat.
- So many people are walking around absolutely insane, and it's better for them to get help.
- When people tell Tim they're getting help, he asks them why they don't just get better.
- Tim tells people what to do: go to betterhelp.com/timd.
- 3 min
An ad for DraftKings' one-day fantasy football promotions, survivor pool, and $100 million prize giveaway using promo code DILLON.
4moments
- Tim emphasizes how important it is that you get involved with DraftKings and win some cash.
- He asks if the listener likes cash and prizes, then declares "the fuck you do" before pushing the DraftKings app.
- Tim describes the hundred million dollars in prizes as "Oprah money."
- He explains his own plan: enter the survivor pool, build a team, and get his cash.
- 4 min
WASPs vs. Ethnics Complaining About Restaurant Food
#A dinner in North Salem with bad food leads to a riff on how WASPs never complain to servers while ethnic diners (Jews, Italians, Greeks) will, and how that determines food quality by neighborhood.
9moments
- Tim dined in North Salem where the food was so bad, but complaining about it with friends was genuinely fun.
- WASPs don't complain about food, but Jews do—and ethnics complain too, which is why good food exists where those groups live.
- WASPs avoid eye contact with servers and refuse to discuss anything with the help, so bad food doesn't bother them as long as the restaurant looks like a colonial inn.
- Tim was at the restaurant with Italians, Greeks, Jews, and other ethnics—loud people who actually care when the meal is bad.
- His uncle works for a legendary Manhattan restaurant group that runs famous steakhouses including Maloney and Porcelli and Park Avenue.
- They opened a new place called Quality French, which Tim visited with Chris and Giannis from History Hyenas, and the experience was atrocious.
- The restaurant brought out an enormous hunk of herbed butter—so large and grotesque it made everyone's stomachs churn.
- After the food came out and everything was bad, Tim told the manager the experience was an act of war and he didn't know when he'd process what happened.
- The chocolate mousse was smeared on slate to look modern instead of served traditionally, making it look exactly like dog feces on a concrete sidewalk.
Quality FrenchWASPsTGI Friday'sChris and GiannisDavid LettermanNorth Salem
- 4 min
Quality French Restaurant Disaster
#Tim recounts a disastrous meal at a high-end restaurant called Quality French, including a massive block of herbed butter and a chocolate mousse plated to look like dog feces, and confronting the manager about it.
8moments
- Tim describes a dish at a fancy restaurant that the manager admits looks like poop.
- Tim explains his fascination with watching restaurants fall apart on busy nights in New York.
- He details the breakdown: demanding customers, screaming from the kitchen, waiters shaking, glasses dropping.
- Tim compares aggressive diners pounding tables and crowding the maitre d' to protest behavior, except the cause was calamari.
- As a tour guide, Tim watched tourists panic when rain prevented them from boarding the double-decker bus.
- The old metal tour bus weaved dangerously while tourists screamed, realizing their entire vacation had become a series of stressful moments.
- Tim starts to describe something that went out of control while serving liquor but stops to avoid naming the location.
- He refuses to say the restaurant name because serving liquor there would be illegal.
- 4 min
Watching Restaurants and Tour Buses Fall Apart
#He describes the pleasure of watching restaurants buckle under a busy Friday night crowd, and recalls his old tour guide job dealing with furious tourists on a rickety double-decker bus.
8moments
- Serving alcohol at a pet store on Independence Day and Halloween to let people dress up their pets in costumes.
- Customers would correct Tim if he misidentified a pet's gender by accident.
- A bird-loving customer got so drunk in the store they had to ask him to leave, along with homeless people who started drinking.
- Tim appreciates being able to observe other people going through hell at work rather than experiencing it himself.
- Hamptons people sit at bars chewing ciabatta, watching waiters suffer through service like it's an academic exercise they don't care about.
- Tim's take: the real problem isn't protesters or riots, it's the wealthy people who drove the country to this point and still don't care.
- Even if the White House burns, the unconcerned rich would dismiss it as a Twitter or TikTok problem instead of reality.
- Tim questions whether storming the White House is actually real life or just a social media phenomenon.
The HamptonsEagle RockSilver Lake
- 3 min
Serving Alcohol Illegally at a Pet Store
#A Q&A-style story about illegally serving liquor at a pet store on Independence Day and Halloween, including drunk bird lovers and homeless patrons getting kicked out.
7moments
- Tim on why people who frequent national parks are sick and mentally ill.
- Tim dismisses bigfoot and aliens as explanations; doesn't care much about the topic.
- People seeking nature in national parks have something to hide and are very sick.
- Ten-day camping trips in national parks indicate someone is unwell and secretive.
- Extended time in the woods is evidence of being out of your mind, spiritually or otherwise.
- Tim rejects the advice to go to Joshua Tree with mushrooms to figure out your life.
- His alternative solution: pull off the 10 East and swallow a Desert Eagle.
Joshua Treenational parksYellowstoneZion National Parkpeople disappearing in national parksThe Cold Vanish
- 2 min
Hamptons Elites as Detached Restaurant Spectators
#Tim compares wealthy onlookers in the Hamptons to detached diners watching a restaurant collapse, arguing they observe societal chaos with the same disinterested curiosity.
7moments
- Tim calls the generation selfish and sick for seeking mystical experiences instead of working.
- People are slovenly selfish pigs with no thought for anything but getting deals on sneakers.
- Tim mocks the idea of being a Terence McKenna figure going to Joshua Tree for spiritual energy to fuel a job ripping people off.
- Take shrooms for fun, but don't pretend it's a journey—you're not a shaman, you work at a production company making shows about midgets.
- Enough with the national parks already; the streets are running with blood while people obsess over hiking and views.
- Stop fleeing to parks to get high by rock formations—the earth is burning, civilizations are collapsing, focus on restaurants and hospitals instead.
- Tim hopes people who flee to nature get abducted or killed by bears for staying out of it.
- 4 min
Rant: Stop Seeking Mystical Experiences in National Parks
#Reading a book called The Cold Vanish, Tim goes on an extended rant that people who camp for extended periods in national parks are deeply sick, mocking Burning Man tech elites and telling people to go to work instead of chasing spiritual experiences.
8moments
- Instagram people taking cliff photos who die immediately fills Tim with hope.
- Week-long treks into the woods are a problem; joggers should just run on the street.
- Tim is sick of corporate tech people pretending to care about nature when they don't.
- Goldman Sachs employees and ICE security designers doing virtual Burning Man this year because they can't dress up as weird steampunk angels in the desert.
- These Burning Man types recharge themselves to go back to their offices and program how many family members people should fight with.
- Stop pretending to be a connoisseur of the natural world—you're a demon from hell, so own it.
- Old Wall Street types like Michael Douglas just said they liked winning; they didn't pretend to love Yosemite.
- Ben was suspended for a week after an LA Times article about multiple rape allegations, and he's now back on the show.
Burning ManGoldman SachsBen AveryBlack Rock DesertYosemite
- 1 min
Ben's Suspension Over Rape Allegations Bit
#A tongue-in-cheek bit about producer Ben being suspended for a week over an LA Times article alleging multiple rapes and branding, treated as a minor punishment.
3moments
- Tim announces tour dates for September, October, and November across Texas, Florida, and other locations.
- New and old material coming, plus crowd work and riffing on current events.
- Call Spotify and demand they give the show a hundred million dollars.
- 1 min
Furniture segment covering upcoming tour dates in Texas and Florida, social media handles, requests to rate and review the podcast, and plans for a new studio and possible late-night-style show format.
2moments
- Tim announces plans for a new studio with improved production quality coming later in the year or early next year.
- Goal is to build a fully functional late-night show that's actually funny, unlike what's currently on the air.
- 4 min
Fantasy: The Hedge Fund Guy Watching Society Burn From His Porch
#Tim spins out an elaborate fantasy of a wealthy Southampton finance guy sipping cabernet, ignoring distant civil unrest as unimportant media hype, until a mob approaches his own property.
9moments
- Tim describes watching the news during civil unrest: a man climbing through windows with a blowtorch at Ruby Tuesday's.
- Tim anticipates Trump not accepting election results and imagines military signaling they won't support him.
- Tim's fantasy: a Wall Street guy watching civil unrest on TV, dismissing it as media exaggeration while sipping cabernet.
- The hedge fund guy hears distant chanting, assumes it's neighbors having a party, pours himself a Macallan.
- He sees an angry mob in black carrying weapons and chainsaws approaching his property.
- The mob sets his house on fire; he's disappointed but sees it as an opportunity for renovation and insurance money.
- He considers his marriage falling apart, fantasizes about scarring his wife and leaving her for a waitress at Bobby Vance.
- Watching his house burn down, he mentally catalogs the upside: scarring his wife, starting over, pursuing younger women.
- The mob approaches and starts pushing him; his physical safety finally enters his mind for the first time.
- 5 min
Closing Fantasy: The Hedge Fund Guy Burned at the Stake
#The fantasy concludes with the mob tying the finance guy to a tree and burning him alive; even as he dies he rationalizes the destruction as an acceptable cost of preserving 'the system,' and finds peace imagining the next buyer getting a good deal on his property.
10moments
- Tim describes a hedge fund guy, small and wiry, suddenly realizing the mob carrying him might actually go through with something serious.
- The mob walks him to a tree on his property and starts tying him up, which he initially compares to Bohemian Grove rituals.
- They begin dousing him with kerosene, and he calmly recognizes what's about to happen.
- Tim reflects on the hedge fund guy's life—good schools, some infidelity, responsible STD testing—and considers his potential legacy as someone burned at the stake in the Hamptons.
- As they prepare to light him on fire, he finally understands there are actual problems in America—something he never grasped before.
- They burn him alive, and as he's dying tied to the tree, the pain is so intense he can barely clench his teeth.
- His last thought before death: maybe they should have approved knee operations for workers after all.
- He then immediately pivots to thinking about how expensive it is to build new knees compared to building new houses for the next hedge fund guy who'll buy the property.
- In his final moments, he rejects the idea of knee operations because the system itself is more important than any individual.
- He dies with a charred smile, his last thought that the next owner will get a great deal on the property.