Episode 213 · The Ben Avery Era
#213 - Who's Gonna Put You In Jail | The Tim Dillon Show
Aug 16, 2020 · 1:24:08 · 363,000 views · 33 segments, 195 moments indexed
Tim lets you know that you're all going to jail, discusses some student films he was in as a child he's trying to track down, spins a tale of a horrific hotel experience in West Hollywood, and talks about the Coney Island "Freak Show"…
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- 1 min
Cold Open: Saturday Night or Sunday Morning
#Tim welcomes listeners and jokes about timing of the show release, riffing briefly on Hispanics being lumped in as "white."
1moment
- Tim opens the show with a casual greeting about the time being either Saturday night or Sunday morning depending on when listeners tune in
- 1 min
Big Jay Oakerson Gets His Chair Stolen Mid-Set
#Tim describes watching a viral clip of Big Jay Oakerson doing crowd work outdoors when someone yanks his chair and he falls off stage, riffing on how chaotic live comedy has become.
4moments
- Tim discusses participating in a Slim Fast challenge with Big Jay and Ari Shaffir and Salvador.
- Big Jay was doing comedy sitting in a chair when someone swiped it from under him and he fell off the stage.
- Ari Shaffir posted the video to Instagram with the caption 'Comedy's dangerous again.'
- Tim reacts in shock and disbelief to the footage of Big Jay falling.
Big Jay OakersonSlim FastAri Shaffir
- 2 min
Checking Into a Hotel During Covid: Incidentals and No Room Service
#After being on Rogan's show, Tim books a room on Hotel Tonight and rants about covid-era hotel rules like paying for incidentals he can't actually use, no minibar, and no room service.
5moments
- Tim stayed in LA after doing JRE and decided to book a hotel on Hotel Tonight app.
- During COVID travel, there are bizarre rules preventing basic service exchanges despite payment.
- Hotel Tonight lets you book last-minute discounted rooms, though the deals are never actually cheaper than advertised.
- Tim questions why the hotel needs a card for incidentals when there's no room service or minibar.
- Tim gets annoyed about authorizing $150 for possible lobby snacks instead of just buying them at the register.
- 2 min
The Kimpton La Peer Hotel Is a Dump Running a Trafficking Ring
#Tim trashes the actual hotel he stayed at in West Hollywood, calling it a luxury-listed dump with a tiny pool and joking it's secretly a human trafficking operation.
6moments
- Kimpton La Peer Hotel is a dump running a human trafficking ring, Tim claims.
- Tim FaceTimed Ray Kump about the room and Ray was aghast at what he saw.
- Hotels pay Hotel Tonight more money to get luxury status, not based on actual quality.
- Tim walked into supposedly basic hotels he thought were beautiful, and luxury ones where he feared for his physical safety.
- Tim acknowledges these are luxury problems but argues he complains about other things too.
- Tim says he's always been open about wanting the best for every employee he has an altercation with.
Kimpton Lapeer HotelHotel TonightRay Kump
- 3 min
Front Desk Employees Who Won't Stand at the Front Desk
#Tim complains about modern hip hotel staff floating around lobbies instead of manning their stations, contrasting them with old-school Marriotts with buffet breakfasts and carpeted rooms, and mocking the new "bistro" branding.
8moments
- Tim explains his philosophy of yelling at hotel workers to help them grow as people.
- Front desk staff in L.A. hotels float around the lobby instead of standing behind the desk where guests can find them.
- Tim prefers old Marriotts with carpets, thick bedding, Sears paintings, and breakfast buffets over modern trendy hotels.
- Comedy Central put him up at the Ace Hotel in New Orleans, which he describes as a dark, decrepit space that made him want to hang himself.
- He checked out immediately and moved to a regular Hilton with families and omelet stations where nobody was cool or hip.
- Marriott Courtyards now serve food as a "bistro"—just burgers in boxes with pretentious names like brioche and flatbread.
- The new hotel attitude features employees who don't seem like employees and float around looking cool instead of working.
- Guests have to ask three different people if they actually work there, surrounded by guys with their chest hair out trying to seduce someone.
Yes or yesAce HotelMarriottComedy CentralHilton
- 1 min
Trying to Get Cigarettes and a Balcony, and Recruiting Homeless People to Riot in the Lobby
#Tim demands a balcony room to smoke and, failing that, tries (and fails) to bribe homeless people outside to storm the hotel lobby and cause a scene.
3moments
- Tim checks into a hotel and requests a room with a balcony so he can smoke without being forced to use the toilet as a ventilation shaft.
- He tried recruiting homeless people outside an LA hotel to storm the lobby and cause a disturbance in exchange for cigarettes and money.
- He insists on having a cigarette in his hotel room regardless of the rules, even though he doesn't actually smoke.
- 4 min
Late Checkout, Broken Key Cards, and Demanding a Refund
#Tim describes his strategy for late checkout, then recounts the front desk employee giving him room keys that repeatedly fail to work, leading him to threaten to check out entirely before the mix-up over room 210 vs 310 is resolved.
7moments
- Tim's vacation started at 4 p.m. after leaving Rogan's studio and ends in the morning.
- He offers the hotel two options for late checkout: give it to him at noon, or deal with him naked and pretending to be dead when the maid arrives.
- The hotel clerk gives Tim two room key cards that don't work in the elevator.
- Tim's key cards have been demagnetized from carrying them in his wallet with his keys.
- When the clerk suggests calling engineering to fix the elevator, Tim demands a full refund instead of waiting for a COVID-positive elevator mechanic.
- The clerk realizes the problem: Tim was authorized for room 310 but the cards only work on room 210.
- Tim considers physically attacking the clerk over the key card mistake before deciding to head back to the lobby.
- 2 min
Getting the Chef In Despite Covid, and Lying About Symptoms to Rattle the Front Desk
#Tim argues room service should still happen covid or not, then describes his tactic of claiming to have every covid symptom and asking absurd tourist questions (like a shuttle to the Hollywood sign) just to fluster hotel staff.
4moments
- Tim says hotels are asleep at the switch during Covid, with only one person working and no room service.
- When checking into a hotel, always say you're on vacation and ask about attractions to strengthen the desk staff by frustrating them.
- Tim interrogates hotel employees with escalating stupid questions about shuttles to the Hollywood sign, then doesn't listen to their answers.
- He immediately tells the front desk he has Covid, claiming a 105-degree fever, inability to breathe, constant strokes, and Covid toes while asking about shuttle schedules.
Hollywood Sign
- 1 min
"I've Come Here to Die": The Ultimate Check-In Line
#Tim escalates his bit about telling hotels he's come to die, comparing the whole covid excuse regime to Hurricane Sandy excuses that outlasted their welcome.
5moments
- Tim's check-in line: "I've come here to die" — a response to listing all his symptoms.
- Hotels removed minibars and room service due to COVID, leaving guests with nothing.
- Long Island friends blamed Hurricane Sandy for five years of inaction, same excuse pattern as COVID now.
- Tim forced to smoke illegally out the window because the hotel has no food to fill his appetite.
- Hotel refuses smoking indoors and has no food available — Tim calls it an untenable arrangement.
- 1 min
Demanding a Sergeant Slaughter-Style Dyke Run the Hotel
#Tim decides the twinky gay front desk staff at the Kimpton need to be replaced by a tough, no-nonsense butch woman who understands guests' need to be fed.
3moments
- Tim describes the hotel as running a human trafficking ring in West Hollywood with incompetent gay staff.
- Tim demands they hire an angry lesbian to manage the place instead of the current staff.
- Tim's ideal manager: a woman who looks like Sergeant Slaughter with no socks and cropped hair.
Campton Lapeer
- 1 min
Katie Herzog Isn't Tough Enough Either
#Continuing the bit, Tim specifies he wants a genuinely intimidating hotel manager, not an intellectual type like Katie Herzog, but someone who's been in real fights.
2moments
- Tim describes his ideal hotel staff: a tough lesbian who understands meals must arrive and doesn't tolerate excuses.
- Tim says he requests a 'Sergeant Slaughter dyke' when checking into hotels — someone with real toughness, not an intellectual like Katie Herzog.
- 2 min
Speaking for the Middle American Families on Vacation in West Hollywood
#Tim frames his hotel complaints as advocacy for ordinary tourist families visiting LA to see the sights, however seedy those sights actually are.
5moments
- Tim describes a hotel clerk who loves the corporation like the children she'll never have.
- He complains that Covid enabled businesses to cut staff while keeping room rates the same and amenities gone.
- Tim claims he's advocating for middle American families trying to vacation in West Hollywood.
- The families he speaks for: potato farmers from the heartland bringing kids to see TikTok stars at Boa's steakhouse and junkies.
- Tim positions himself as fighting on behalf of families wanting to experience what Los Angeles represents to the country.
Los AngelesWest HollywoodBoa's Steakhouse
- 3 min
A segue into government surveillance leads into an ExpressVPN sponsor read, with Tim riffing about what's on Chinese Netflix (bats dancing) and joking about watching a Chinese version of Ozark.
8moments
- Tim argues the government is a totalitarian Orwellian nightmare we're living through right now.
- ExpressVPN lets you access Netflix from different countries and watch region-exclusive content.
- Tim wonders what Russian Netflix has that American Netflix doesn't, and speculates about Chinese Netflix.
- Chinese Netflix's version of House of Cards features Kevin Spacey played by a bat.
- ExpressVPN is ridiculously fast and works on every device including television.
- Tim recalls how people used to say they were going to watch 'a little tube' and would sit in a chair until death.
- Tim imagines watching Ozark with Chinese dubbing and speculates what the Chinese title would be.
- Ellen is called 'dancing lady' in China, according to Tim.
- 5 min
Tim reads the Hawthorne skincare/cologne ad, riffing extensively on an imagined quiz that rates how disgusting your face and smell are.
10moments
- Hawthorne's quiz tells you which two colognes are best for you, one for work and one for play.
- Tim describes the target customer: someone with a face that looks rubbed against a brick wall.
- The quiz doesn't ask hard questions like discussing imperialism—it asks simpler things about your appearance.
- Quiz question: when you look in the mirror, do you wish you're a different person or want to die?
- The quiz also asks what you smell like: a sad gym teacher who drinks too much or a cabbie rotting in a car.
- Tim lists facial conditions the quiz covers: boils, lesions, pimples, blisters, open wounds, leathery neck skin.
- Rate your face on a scale between crumbling brick wall and sunken boat.
- Rate your skin between a victim on the first 48 who's starting to turn and a Dick Tracy villain.
- Hawthorne.com—spelled h-a-w-t-h-o-r-n-e with an e—offers 10 percent off with code tim.
- Tim corrects himself on the website spelling, saying it's hawthorne.co, not .com.
- 4 min
Tim revises his opinion of Boa Steakhouse after a second visit, then pivots into reacting to Kamala Harris being picked as Biden's VP, framing US elections as a choice of who arrests you.
6moments
- Tim reconsiders his opinion of Boa Steakhouse after trying the West Hollywood location with Spade, praising the king crab gnocchi and people-watching.
- Rage at Sarah Cooper for getting a Netflix special misses the point—nobody cares who gets a Netflix special or what art is coming next.
- Kamala Harris being picked as VP shouldn't shock anyone; she's a black woman, and that's what they needed since Michelle Obama and Susan Rice weren't options.
- Voting in America is fundamentally about choosing which party you'd rather have put you in jail or throw you in an unmarked van.
- Tim would rather have Kamala Harris doing the torturing and kidnapping than Trump, since Trump has already had his turn.
- Harris put a lot of people in jail, and the dystopian future will involve prison labor for corporations at 15 cents an hour, but there's nothing to do about it so just feel good.
Boa SteakhouseKamala HarrisDonald TrumpSarah CooperMichelle ObamaSusan Rice
- 3 min
Kamala Harris Prison Labor and the Cop Vice President Bit
#Tim riffs at length in a Kamala Harris voice about locking people up and using prison labor, extending the bit about her record as a prosecutor.
6moments
- Kamala Harris will put you in prison, and you'll thank her.
- Political commentators like Kyle Kulinski are always shocked and emotional about everything, but the Harris pick was the most predictable vice presidential selection ever.
- Biden had to pick a Black woman — there was no other realistic option.
- Moderates don't care that Harris was a cop who locked up minorities; they only care about aesthetics.
- Republicans won't be able to attack Harris over her record of incarcerating people of color because she's the Black woman candidate.
- Harris was a district attorney who framed people, but that gets drowned out by the focus on her being a Black woman.
Kamala HarrisJoe BidenKyle Kulinski
- 1 min
Why Republicans Won't Attack Kamala Harris, and Trump Becoming a Beloved Comedian
#Tim predicts moderates and even some conservatives won't turn on Kamala despite her record, and imagines Trump mellowing into a beloved figure like Bush did, who took up painting.
4moments
- Biden will be asleep at the switch while Kamala goes on Ellen and everyone just goes back to sleep.
- Trump, if he loses, becomes a beloved comedian doing roasts and getting loved by the public.
- Every president becomes Hitler for a while, then people love them once they leave office and get a hobby.
- Tim questions why Bush paints immigrants' stories instead of the people he locked in cages and tortured.
- 4 min
Tim mocks George W. Bush's real portrait series of immigrants, comparing the painted subjects and imagining Trump's own tone-deaf tribute project — chocolate busts of civil rights figures.
10moments
- Tim criticizes Bush for painting immigrants while ignoring the millions killed in his wars and the use of depleted uranium in Fallujah.
- Bush's 'Portraits of Courage' project actually focuses on immigrant subjects despite the framing.
- The painting includes a random assortment of ethnicities—Muslim, Black, Hispanic, lesbian, Pacific Islander, Eastern European—that reads like a diversity checklist.
- One figure in the painting looks like a Nazi bartender incapable of getting aroused, not an immigrant at all.
- The upper left portrait appears to be Martina Navratilova, a tennis player, raising questions about what constitutes an 'immigrant' in Bush's vision.
- Tim compares Bush's immigrant paintings to what Trump might do—release a line of chocolates shaped like historic Black figures during February.
- Trump's hypothetical chocolate busts would use dark and milk chocolate depending on the historical figure's skin tone.
- The idea is so repulsive it would somehow become palatable to the media because they'd be distracted by a new villain.
- Once a new boogeyman emerges, Trump would be freed up to pursue similarly obscene ventures without scrutiny, just like Bush is doing.
- Tim suggests the media's attention will inevitably shift to a new target, creating space for previously controversial figures to operate unchecked.
George W. BushDonald TrumpFallujah
- 2 min
Bush Vanquished His Own Dynasty in Trump Country Texas
#Tim marvels that Bush went from destroying countries to painting, and notes how thoroughly Trump has replaced the Bush family's standing even in Texas.
4moments
- Tim describes Bush destroying the earth via war and torture, then retiring to painting as if that makes it respectable.
- Trump effectively vanquished the Bush dynasty, even in Texas where the family once dominated politics.
- Texas is now Trump country—most voters there don't care about the Bushes anymore and actively support Trump over the political establishment.
- August was always the best month growing up because you had to make it count before school started.
Donald TrumpGeorge W. BushCharlottesville rally
- 1 min
August Is the Best Month, According to Lafon
#A quick nostalgic aside about a woman named Lafon telling him August is the best month because you know you have to make it good before school.
2moments
- Tim started with a rant about hotels to protect the audience's interests in West Hollywood.
- August has been a tough month for most people and not very rewarding.
- 2 min
Family Summer Traditions and South Padre Island
#Tim reflects on lacking a real family summer tradition growing up compared to Long Beach Island or the Hamptons, and describes the unimpressive reality of Padre Island near Houston/Galveston.
7moments
- Tim's family rented houses on Long Beach Island, a working-class Jersey shore destination where many families go for summer.
- His parents never took him anywhere in summer—their house and life stayed exactly the same year-round.
- Tim's family went to South Padre Island in the Gulf of Mexico three years in a row, then stopped.
- South Padre is a shitty little place with a hotel and beach, but the sand cuts your feet on seashells and it's trash.
- You're swimming in oil by Houston and Galveston—literally doing backstroke in unleaded fuel.
- The wealthy have the Hamptons, Malibu, or Europe; middle class go to Long Beach Island, Shelter Island, Martha's Vineyard, or Nantucket.
- Tim's one tradition was trying to go to Coney Island with Ray Kump for a nice day.
Long Beach IslandConey IslandGulf of MexicoMartha's VineyardNantucketPadreMalibuThe Hamptons
- 6 min
Coney Island and the Father-Son Con Artist Team
#Tim describes trips to Coney Island with Ray Kump, the freak show attractions, and a memorable story of getting scammed (and then un-scammed) by a father-and-son grifter duo selling fake Cyclone tickets.
10moments
- Coney Island freak show performers are actors who moved to New York and learned to dislocate their joints for pay.
- The freak show appeals to families on the edge of breaking up but don't know it yet.
- Tim notes woke people don't complain because the performers are doing this voluntarily.
- Coney Island sideshow is nothing like Broadway—you can point, yell, and heckle the freaks without consequence.
- A father-and-son con artist team approached Tim and Ray at Coney Island offering fake cyclone tickets.
- Tim describes being too large for the Cyclone's safety bar, which had to be pressed into his fat to latch.
- The father told Tim the tickets were a deal because he and his son had to leave the park early.
- When confronted, the father immediately returned Tim's money without argument because he knew he was caught.
- Tim realizes the father and son run this scam repeatedly and the kid's sad face revealed how often they pull it.
- Tim admires the closeness between the father and son as a con team, a relationship he's never had with his own father.
Coney IslandConey Island Circus SideshowCycloneDick ZygunNathan's
- 2 min
The Cyclone Roller Coaster Would Break Under Us
#Tim jokes about how he and Ray Kump would physically destroy the old wooden Cyclone coaster if they rode it, and mocks a photo that appears to have a photoshopped rider.
4moments
- Ticket scalpers target people frustrated by long lines, using the "sick kid" pitch to unload tickets.
- Tim tries to offload tickets at the Cyclone roller coaster but discovers the scalped tickets aren't valid for that ride.
- The scammer's son's reaction when his dad has to hand back twenty dollars — the mark became the marked.
- At Broadway you have to sit silently while people mock you; at Coney Island you can scream at them and point directly.
- 3 min
Tim reads an ad for FUCT clothing, fixating on an Osama bin Laden "War on Drugs" button-up shirt for resale on Grailed and joking about reselling it for a fortune.
10moments
- Tim's favorite shirt is a FUCT Clothing Osama Bin Laden 'War on Drugs' button-up, listed for resale at $666 plus shipping.
- The shirt only comes in size L, which Tim notes means there are a lot of L's in his audience.
- Tim says he'd buy the shirt if he were a young man trying to be cool and edgy, rather than already effortlessly cool and edgy.
- He urges listeners to buy the shirt from FUCT.com, take photos wearing it, and send them to him.
- Tim mentions he still has an Epstein temple model in his garage and jokes about turning it into a cat house for Oscar.
- The Bin Laden shirt is actually sold on Grailed.com, not FUCT's main website, because it flies off the shelves.
- Tim imagines a scenario where someone retires to North Carolina by flipping the Bin Laden shirt after hearing him recommend it on the show.
- He reflects that solutions are not the answer, but things that make you happy—like buying clothes from Grailed and FUCT.com—are the way forward.
- When FUCT doesn't have stock, Tim suggests joining their mailing list to stay updated on exclusive drops.
- Tim and his co-host joke that FUCT's exclusivity and mailing list setup might be a front for something unsavory.
FUCTGrailedOsama bin Laden
- 5 min
Tim reads the BlueChew ad and spins into an elaborate fantasy about admitting erectile problems to an armed neighbor that escalates into an absurd sexual scenario.
8moments
- Tim was almost the spokesman for Dior instead of taking this ad.
- He claims he was the inspiration for Prada when they started doing leather.
- Tim insists he was the inspiration for Oscar de la Renta's spring line in 1996.
- He imagines being at Vogue with Anna Wintour instead of doing this BlueChew ad.
- The neighbor reveals he has an arsenal of guns and expects shit to get real soon.
- Tim describes a scenario where you give your neighbor BlueChew and end up sexually involved at gunpoint.
- The orgasm is so intense it produces young, viscous come that turns into diamonds.
- None of this happens because the BlueChew arrives in a discreet package.
Anna WintourTory BurchOscar de la Renta
- 4 min
Trying to Track Down His Lost NYU Student Films
#Tim recalls appearing as a kid in two NYU student films, "When the Pom-Poms Stopped Waving" and "Truck Stop," and asks the audience to help him find copies from the university archives.
7moments
- Tim appeared in an NYU student film called Truck Stop in the early 90s and has been trying unsuccessfully to get a copy for years.
- The film was about a family abandoned at a truck stop in New Jersey, shot over two weeks in an old shutdown diner.
- Tim has messaged the filmmaker John Morning multiple times without success and considered threatening a lawyer to get the film.
- He was also in another NYU student film called When the Pom-Poms Stopped Waving, about a cult of cheerleaders who killed themselves.
- Tim appeals to the audience to help him locate copies of both student films, which he believes are archived at NYU.
- He makes a joke about NYU being run by Dominicans, attempting to reference a comedy bit he half-remembers.
- Tim tries to recall a stand-up clip where someone joked about Puerto Ricans or Dominicans running Hollywood, but can't quite get the premise right.
truck stopwhen the pom-poms stopped wavingNew York University
- 3 min
"One of My Best Friends Is..." Bit
#Tim runs a bit claiming to have a best friend from every group (Jewish, Muslim, non-binary, Black Lives Matter, a cop named Derek Chauvin, a DA) to justify making jokes about all of them.
9moments
- Tim opens the "one of my best friends is" bit by claiming a Jewish friend, then walks it back saying he's not actually a best friend.
- Describes the website guy as looking like a tiny uncooked shrimp and a mollusk.
- Pivots to claiming a Muslim best friend named Muhammad, then admits he doesn't actually know anyone by that name.
- Claims a non-binary best friend whose name is Star.
- Names a Black Lives Matter activist as a best friend, hesitating to say the name because it sounds racist.
- The name is Shakita Heeda, then compares her to Megan the Stallion.
- Claims a cop best friend named Derek Chauvin, the Minneapolis officer from the George Floyd case.
- Adds a district attorney to the list of best friends before trailing off into the closing.
- Tim ends the bit asking to see his own work and get the films he's entitled to.
- 1 min
YouTube Demonetization and Liking People Who Smile Like David Dobrik
#Tim complains this episode won't be monetized on YouTube, then riffs on admiring perpetually happy influencers like David Dobrik versus his own rage-based persona.
3moments
- This episode will not be monetized on YouTube.
- Young kids like David Dobrik because he's always smiling and happy, which is an attractive quality in a fallen world where everyone's living in ruins.
- Tim contrasts Dobrik's constant smile with the appeal of someone who weaponizes rage or makes you feel worse about an already bad world.
- 3 min
Fake Long Island Studio Plans and Tig Notaro Replacing Chris D'Elia
#Tim jokes about pretending to broadcast from Long Island while actually building a fake set in California, then pivots to Tig Notaro replacing Chris D'Elia in a show and questioning the lack of a definitive article proving D'Elia's wrongdoing.
8moments
- Tim announces they're broadcasting from Long Island next week, then admits it's not true because he respects quarantine laws.
- They're designing a studio in California that looks like Long Island, complete with an overweight loud person doing shows outside Governor's who people will mistake for him.
- Tim compares being mistaken for Amy Schumer to two stars in the sky being indistinguishable — just a couple of interchangeable stars.
- He plans to make videos in New York and see his mother and father before the second wave of COVID kills them, which he claims he will make happen.
- Benjamin will be filming and editing to help curate the beautiful experience being delivered, alongside someone who looks like Tim.
- Tim jokes that someone looking a lot like Benjamin — Tig Notaro — is replacing Chris D'Elia.
- When somebody gets replaced in Hollywood, usually a straight white guy gets bumped for someone else, but they're replacing Chris with another straight white man, which Tim says is good.
- Tig and Chris look like brothers, Tim observes, setting up what would be a funny show with that pairing.
Amy SchumerChris TaliaBen Tignatoro
- 3 min
Brian Callen, Chris D'Elia, and Mob Justice vs. Due Process
#Tim discusses the allegations against Brian Callen and Chris D'Elia, arguing he has no personal knowledge of either but is uneasy with reputations being destroyed by single articles rather than legal process.
7moments
- Tim notes Brian Callen's career has been destroyed by accusations.
- The problem with destroying someone's entire life over a 20-year-old accusation reported to a journalist rather than authorities.
- People online calling Chris D'Elia a pedophile without Tim having met either him or Callen, or knowing who they really are.
- Tim compares himself to someone outside looking at a car wash—uncomfortable judging people he doesn't know from the comedy store scene.
- The core discomfort: destroying someone's career with just an article, even if some behavior deserves consequences.
- Tim argues the burden of proof and legal system cannot be replaced by internet mob justice and vigilantism.
- Western civilization is based on rule of law, which cannot be completely discarded in favor of frenzied mob justice.
- 2 min
Never Been to LA, and Ben Promises Not to Sue Him
#Tim notes he's never actually been to Los Angeles despite 10 years in comedy, and riffs on his friend Ben unprompted assuring him he'll never sue him.
5moments
- Tim has done comedy for 10 years and has never been to Los Angeles.
- He had a layover in Los Angeles once but didn't change planes, so he doesn't really count that as having been there.
- Ben told Tim earlier today that he would never sue him, just out of nowhere.
- Tim suggests people should look at their best friends and tell them they're not planning to sue them.
- When arriving at a barbecue, you should announce that you're not suing anyone before getting potato salad.
Yes or yesLos Angeles
- 2 min
South Padre Island vs. Clearwater Beach
#Tim and crew look up photos comparing the grim Gulf of Mexico beaches at South Padre/Galveston to the much nicer Clearwater Beach, Florida, while plugging upcoming sold-out Florida shows in a tent.
6moments
- South Padre Island doesn't look that bad compared to what his parents took him to as a kid.
- Tim reacts in horror to photos of Clearwater Beach lined with Courtyard by Marriott hotels and dredging equipment.
- Gulf of Mexico water is disgusting, nothing like the actual nice beaches.
- Clearwater Beach in Florida is his spot—white sand, nice condo situation on the west coast.
- Tim's Florida shows sold out so quickly and will take place in a tent in a parking lot.
- He wants to do at least one tent show just to understand what performing stand-up in a tent is like.
Clearwater BeachSaint Petersburg BeachCourtyard by MarriottSouth Padre IslandEnchanted Forest
- 3 min
Closing Riff: First Time Back on Stage and Sign-Off
#Tim reflects on returning to stand-up in a tent for the first time since covid, thanks Rogan, Patreon supporters, and merch buyers, jokingly imagines a Long Island woman loving "Kamala Harris," and closes with a joke about Ben's journey from South Padre Island dirt to hanging around comedians.
8moments
- Tim describes his first time back on stage after being off, noting he refused to go inside the store for his last set.
- Thanks Joe Rogan for having him on again, and thanks to everyone supporting the Patreon and buying products like the Life in the Big City hoodies.
- Tim won't push merch aggressively every three weeks because people are struggling economically right now.
- Biden and Kamala Harris bit where he riffs on 'Calamari Harris' and imagines a woman on Long Island approving the nickname.
- Appreciation for YouTube subscribers and everyone on the journey with the show, promising longer-form content when the world opens up.
- Tim and a group of comedians including Andrew Schultz are committed to putting out really funny material.
- If you find yourself on South Padre Island with black dirt under your feet, that's where Ben came from before regularly associating with rapists and pedophiles on the show.
- It's a comedy show, goodbye.