Episode 191 · The Ben Avery Era
#191 - Corona Cast | The Tim Dillon Show
Mar 15, 2020 · 1:11:34 · 149,000 views · 26 segments, 154 moments indexed
We will continue to broadcast from the darkness. This episode, Tim prepares us for what's coming...
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- 1 min
Cold Open: Tim's Prophetic Track Record
#Tim opens the show claiming credit for past predictions, including Lizzo's twerking act and TikTok dancers becoming the biggest stand-up comedians, as proof of his forecasting skill.
2moments
- Tim claims he predicted that music in America would feature large, shaking asses, citing Lizzo's performance as proof.
- He predicted the biggest stand-up on TikTok would be someone dancing with jingles and jangles, saying nothing substantive.
- 1 min
The Only Economic Activities Left: Postmates and Requiem for a Dream
#He jokes that the only two economic activities that will survive the apocalypse are podcasting and the double penetration scene from Requiem for a Dream, riffing on Postmates delivery surviving any catastrophe.
2moments
- Tim predicts the only economic activities left will be what he's doing now and the double penetration scene from Requiem for a Dream, plus Postmates.
- Someone with a mask will hand you a Pokéball through a door and scurry into darkness forever, no matter what catastrophe strikes — Postmates is inevitable.
PostmatesRequiem for a DreamYellowstone supervolcano
- 4 min
Everyone Becomes a Conspiracy Theorist
#Tim describes watching normal people on both left and right melt down into conspiracy theorists over the past few years and especially the last week, comparing it to going from mainstream tomato-soup life straight into Epstein-level revelations overnight.
6moments
- Tim watched everyone become a conspiracy theorist over the past two years, across both right and left, including normies who'd never thought about the Kennedy assassination before.
- People on the left went hard into Russia gate and espionage theories, all done recklessly and sloppily as minds melted.
- Going from a normal suburban life—tomato soup, college plans, vacation spots, dog breeds—to learning about Epstein overnight causes your mind to melt.
- The realization that leaders are worse than imagined, bad in unimaginable ways, forces people to concoct stories about what's really happening.
- Tim watched people last week become preppers and NIMBYs who previously had nothing but positive things to say, changing their tune in a week and a half.
- Tim positions himself as the broadcaster and anchorman at the end of the world, unlike Ted Koppel or Tom Brokaw who could barely speak on their networks.
Ted KoppelTom BrokawJeffrey EpsteinRussiagateFranklin scandalKennedy assassinationQAnon
- 5 min
Anchorman at the End of the World; New York Quarantine Rumors
#He declares himself "the anchorman at the end of the world," discusses rumors of a New York City quarantine, Drudge Report headlines about a possible nationwide shutdown, and worries about America's healthcare system compared to Italy's.
8moments
- Tim describes himself as the anchorman at the end of the world — not shocked by oligarchic bungling of the pandemic response.
- Trump thrives in boom times like an eighties political cartoon, but looks worse when things get bleak and he might catch coronavirus.
- Everyone claims a highly placed government source told them New York City would be quarantined by now, yet nobody's highly placed friend can help with anything else.
- BuzzFeed quoted the NYPD denying quarantine plans, but "at this time" is a meaningless phrase designed to cover all possibilities.
- The Drudge Report headline about a nationwide shutdown raises the question of how you quarantine 350 million people with a lot of guns.
- Italy's healthcare infrastructure isn't much better than America's, and many U.S. systems are equally or more unprepared despite being a first-world country.
- Conspiracy people who don't believe in the virus aren't helpful, but their distrust makes sense given government incompetence — they've had their minds melted.
- When the government says don't get tested if you have symptoms because there are no tests, people reasonably start questioning whether the crisis is real.
- 5 min
Cancel Your Shows: Shaming Comics Who Kept Working
#Tim brags about being the first comic to cancel his tour and rips into comedians and clubs (DC Improv, Zanies) still doing shows, calling working comics who don't need the money selfish narcissists risking lives for laughs.
10moments
- Tim cancelled his shows in 2021 and was the first comic to do so.
- Comics performing at venues like DC Improv and Zanies during lockdown are narcissists risking people's lives for approval.
- Tim understands broke comics need to work, but wealthy ones choosing to perform are immoral.
- People were angry when Tim cancelled Caroline's and other dates in April.
- If performing comedy kills people, he'll stop and do podcasts or videos instead.
- Comics were reluctant to cancel, arguing their fans paid to see them perform.
- Choosing to work during lockdown is like going to an office when you're told you can stay home—it ruins things for everyone.
- Economic collapse is probably coming; people should tip service workers and prepare for hard times.
- Anyone who can should leave the city; young people with immunity should travel and take advantage of cheap flights.
- Tim won't put older people at risk, though at 22 he would be traveling the world during the pandemic.
- 2 min
Advice to Young People: Go Get Wu Han Bat Sandwiches
#He tells young, healthy people to travel the world and take advantage of cheap flights during the pandemic, and mocks seniors upset about losing lacrosse season by comparing their problems to Italy's crisis.
5moments
- Tim's senior year of high school was one of the funnest years of his life—he was nominated for homecoming king and extremely popular.
- Young people whose senior years or seasons got cut short by the pandemic think they have real problems, but countries like Italy are literally burning.
- Parents should sit their upset lacrosse kids down and remind them that people elsewhere have actual serious problems to deal with.
- These kids will grow up fine and can brag about how tough it was that they didn't get to play their last lacrosse season.
- Tim would rather his kid get Wu Han bat disease than have him end up playing for the Long Island Lizards.
- 1 min
Tim reads Drudge Report headlines about a possible complete nationwide shutdown and Trump being tested, speculating about what a total shutdown would actually mean logistically.
3moments
- Tim begins reading top Drudge Report headlines from Friday evening, starting with Trump, shutdown, and emergency warnings.
- The language of "complete shutdown" is new and Tim wonders what it actually means — grounding flights, checkpoints, quarantine, or closing all non-essential businesses.
- Drudge headline cites Dr. Anthony Fauci as White House coronavirus expert.
- 3 min
Dr. Fauci the Garlic Knot and America's Case Numbers
#He riffs on Dr. Fauci as "a meatball" giving instructions instead of a reassuring Jewish doctor, then runs through case and death statistics city by city, and criticizes people slow to cancel shows for financial reasons.
10moments
- Tim mocks Dr. Fauci giving cooking instructions about not letting droplets from your nose fall into the meatball pot.
- Fauci says a complete shutdown is on the table but provides no explanation of what that actually means.
- Tim notes the case numbers are still low—over 2,000 people in the US with the virus and 43 deaths—while he himself has been coughing but can't get tested.
- The real indicator of infection is whether you have a fever; if you're really hot, you've got it.
- Comedy venues in LA have shut down—the Comedy Store and the Improv—while clubs in New York are still operating.
- Tim criticizes New York venues for staying open, calling it gross not to understand the gravity of the situation.
- Within a week or two people will look back and wonder what the hell businesses were thinking staying open, though Tim hopes he's wrong.
- Tim tells his audience not to feel pressured to reach out and make amends with people just because of the pandemic if they didn't want to talk to them before.
- The only reason to call someone you don't want to talk to is if you can get a little money or capital out of them.
- Tim respects comics still performing right now, but he's choosing to stay home if he can't work.
- 1 min
New York City as a Petri Dish and Grocery Store Hoarding
#Tim discusses New York's rising case count and subway grime, then describes rich people hoarding crab legs and almond milk at Bristol Farms near Beverly Hills while predicting food delivery services will boom.
4moments
- New York City is a petri dish of germs with subways and surfaces that are completely forgotten about.
- Tim predicts New York City will have a serious problem that won't get resolved without a quarantine.
- At Bristol Farms, rich people are stockpiling crab legs, almond milk, and free-range chicken in case it's the end of the world.
- Tim insists there's going to be food available despite the hoarding and store closures.
- 7 min
Bill Gates Predicted It, and Trump's Weakness in a Pandemic
#He discusses a Bill Gates TED talk that eerily predicted a pandemic, notes Black celebrities floating conspiracy theories about Gates planning it, and argues Trump is uniquely ill-suited to lead during a health crisis, contrasting the isolating fear of COVID with the communal grief of 9/11.
10moments
- Bill Gates predicted the pandemic accurately in an old speech, leading conspiracy theorists including Cedric the Entertainer and DL Hughley to claim he planned it.
- Everyone talks about pandemic preparedness but nobody actually prepares—the country is selfish and only cares about immediate personal impact.
- Trump's travel ban on China was fine but he didn't increase testing capacity while Google built a website to help people identify symptoms.
- Trump is weak in a pandemic; an Obama-type president would provide more comfort than Trump, who thrives when the economy is roaring.
- During 9/11 there was compassion and empathy; during COVID, terror makes people view each other as enemies and cuts off human connection.
- After 9/11 you could still go outside, talk to people, go to theaters and concerts—life eventually returned to normal, unlike this disruption.
- The end-times feeling of a society where everybody's cut off from each other in uncharted territory raises real questions about mental and emotional effects.
- Schools are letting kids out everywhere while some parents still have to work, creating roving bands of TikTokers who are immune and will prowl around.
- TikTok kids are bitter little monsters who care about nothing except likes, followers, views, and money—they're perfectly suited to play with dead bodies.
- Young people will dance around as bodies burn and streets collapse, and older generations will learn to fear those little TikTok users running around with their phones.
Barack ObamaBill GatesDonald TrumpLogan PaulCedric the EntertainerDL HughleyGary Owen
- 2 min
TikTokers Will Play With Dead Bodies
#Tim predicts immune, soulless TikTok teens will roam the streets during the pandemic filming themselves dancing with and desecrating dead bodies, comparing it to a horrifying update of Michael Jackson's Thriller.
4moments
- TikTokers will document gang brutality using dead bodies as props, creating terrifying content that people will watch from home.
- Tim predicts TikTokers will use corpses like marionettes, some of it artful and visually stimulating, which will create moral problems.
- Incarcerated people will need sexual outlets, leading to demand for grooming products and surgically modified genitalia in prisons.
- The culture war shifted from debating drag queens reading in libraries to everyone accepting that everybody's going to die anyway.
tick stalkersManscaped
- 2 min
A Manscaped sponsor read for their Lawn Mower 3.0 trimmer drifts into jokes about needing something to do while quarantined and the military eventually letting people out of their homes.
8moments
- Tim notes Manscaped spent 18 months perfecting a ball hair trimmer instead of developing a vaccine.
- Imagining how Manscaped ads might pivot as society heads into apocalypse—military lockdowns, economic collapse.
- Tim explains the "skin-safe technology" marketing is just fancy copywriting to avoid nicking your scrotum.
- The Lawn Mower 3.0 features a 7000 RPM motor because a big motor is apparently what you want for grooming.
- Tim points out the 90-minute battery life is perfect for when the economy collapses and you have nothing but time.
- Mid-ad, Ray Cop calls and Tim suggests connecting Bluetooth to take the call during the pitch.
- Manscaped promo code is "Tim"—20% off and free shipping on your first order.
- Tim connects his Bluetooth to the Roadcaster to call Ray back while still running the ad.
- 1 min
Teasing Roseanne and Praising Nurses/Flight Attendants' Dark Humor
#Tim teases an upcoming Roseanne interview and recaps a prior Corona special guest, a nurse who joked the virus would help Social Security by killing off old people, leading into a riff on nurses and flight attendants being desensitized to death.
5moments
- Roseanne is coming on the show; Tim teases big things coming during quarantine
- Tim explains they're keeping the show going full steam with big guests lined up
- Tim's friend's fiancée, a nurse, joked that the pandemic will help with social security because old people will die
- Nurses and flight attendants have no regard for human life because they see death constantly or have made peace with it
- Flight attendants are sick people who do comedy routines on Southwest and don't care about defying God at altitude
- 1 min
Flight Attendants Are Sick, Drug-Addicted Freaks
#A continued riff imagining flight attendants as burnt-out drug addicts who secretly want the plane to crash, before Tim pivots to reassure listeners his cough is a sinus infection, not coronavirus.
2moments
- Flight attendants are drug addicts, peeled up and unaware they're on a plane.
- Tim has a sinus infection and persistent cough from a Toronto trip, not coronavirus.
- 2 min
Quitting Cigarettes and Weed to Save Lung Capacity
#Tim talks about quitting smoking to preserve lung capacity against the virus and jokingly tells listeners to get off weed and edibles, then tries repeatedly to call his New York contact Ray back after a dropped call.
5moments
- Tim quit smoking cigarettes to build lung capacity because lung disease feels like drowning.
- Stop smoking weed too—switch to edibles or get off drugs entirely and think about supporting the show and your family.
- Questions whether Ray is being quarantined after he apparently butt-dials the show mid-corona haze.
- Speculates that Ray has been put in quarantine or dragged away by someone.
- Ray's outgoing message is so elaborate it prevents him from coming to the phone.
Robert Howard
- 2 min
Fake Highly-Placed Government Sources and Portland Nuke Rumors
#He mocks people who claim to have secret government sources warning of imminent lockdowns, riffing on fake rumors about domes over Portland and military home visits, then returns to real case numbers in Seattle and King County.
7moments
- Everyone receives panicked texts claiming they're next to be quarantined, prefaced with 'I don't want to alarm you.'
- Fake highly-placed government sources claim the military will assault people in their homes and upload it to the internet.
- The absurd escalation: a source says the government has decided to nuke Portland tomorrow around 3 p.m.
- Tim cites actual numbers—58 new cases in King County, 5 deaths, 328 total cases—to argue containment is necessary.
- Tim entertains the conspiracy theory that the virus is fake and martial law is the real goal.
- He dismisses the fake-virus claim by pointing to Italy as proof the pandemic is real.
- People don't need to perform or talk about their genitals in front of crowds; they can wait while others are sick.
- 3 min
California and LA County Case Numbers; Generals Reading Ridge Wallet Ads
#Tim reviews LA County's case and death counts, jokes about a future where a general holds a gun to his head while he reads Ridge Wallet ads, and laments losing TGI Fridays' three-for-all appetizer combo.
6moments
- LA County has six deaths and 247 confirmed cases, though the actual number is probably ten times higher.
- Risk factors in the country include fat people and smokers.
- Authorities tell people not to go to hospitals because they're implying the virus is fake.
- Military generals will soon be reading Ridge Wallet ads while holding guns to broadcasters' heads.
- Back when the country was run by satanic pedophiles, you could at least still go to Disney World and TGI Fridays.
- You can't even get a three-for-all appetizer platter anymore—mozzarella sticks, buffalo wings, potato skins.
Ridge WalletLos AngelesDisney WorldNew YorkSeattleTGI Friday's
- 3 min
Everyone Will Discover Reddit and 4chan
#He predicts the whole country will get radicalized online during lockdown, discusses lax mask/glove use at pharmacies, and reassures listeners America will get through the pandemic despite being unprepared, before Ray calls in.
7moments
- Tim imagines what happens if the entire country discovers Reddit and 4chan and goes down conspiracy rabbit holes.
- You have to peek behind the curtain and look at the demon every now and then, but spending all your time reading about demons that run things isn't healthy.
- Tim notices at CVS that pharmacists and most people have no masks or gloves on, and wonders if that will seem reckless in a week or two.
- Tim assures listeners we're going to get through this crisis, despite Trump looking puffy and sniffly.
- After we get through it, we're going to return to being as selfish and unprepared as we were for the pandemic.
- When Gen Z grows up, they won't remember a time without a pandemic, and we will have done nothing to prepare for the next one.
- America gets through everything by sitting on fat asses eating, staying home watching streaming services, and putting things in our mouths.
- 1 min
Ray from New York joins the call and describes grocery store hoarding of rice, corn, and quinoa, though toilet paper is apparently still available to him.
2moments
- Ray reports heavy hoarding in New York stores, with shelves bare except for toilet paper.
- Staple items like corn, rice, and quinoa are depleted; getting organic groceries at Whole Foods now takes a week.
- 5 min
Tim and Ray discuss QAnon theories that the pandemic is cover for arresting Obama and Hillary Clinton over pedophilia, with Tim admitting he's "halfway" sympathetic to some of it but skeptical anyone powerful actually goes to jail.
8moments
- Tim questions whether a nationwide lockdown could realistically contain everyone given the number of people and guns in the country.
- Discussion of how quarantine enforcement would differ between rural areas and dense cities like New York.
- Tim notes a sizable amount of Twitter users believe the pandemic is cover for Trump to arrest Obama and celebrities for pedophilia.
- Tim admits he's halfway on board with QAnon rhetoric—he believes in satanic pedophiles but doubts they'll actually go to jail.
- The theory that school and sports closures are a false flag operation to allow safe arrests of Obama and Hillary without counterattacks.
- Tim's explanation: people red-pilled overnight from mainstream beliefs can't cope with reality and start inventing conspiracy stories.
- The way QAnon believers see Bill and Hillary Clinton is like a Batman villain movie—criminal masterminds running secret operations.
- Tim dismisses the whole thing as pedophiles wanting pipelines, calling it ridiculous.
- 5 min
Ray relays a Twitter theory that Trump is tanking the economy to kill the Federal Reserve, which Tim dismisses, arguing instead that those in power are simply indifferent sociopaths improvising rather than executing any grand plan, citing Trump's Only Fans-level indifference to his legacy.
8moments
- Tim explains the Fed conspiracy theory he read on Twitter: Chase employee claims Trump is tanking the economy to rebuild it without the Federal Reserve.
- Most presidents don't actually control everything—the system runs largely on its own momentum regardless of who's in charge.
- People don't understand that top officials like Ben Bernanke barely know what they're doing—it's not a well-orchestrated conspiracy.
- Tim argues the real situation is just chaos: powerful people trying to cover their tracks as they go, not executing a master plan.
- The thing that bothers people about Trump is the level of indifference—these people don't care, they're sociopaths.
- It's not three-dimensional chess; according to Russ Baker, these people are just trying to preserve themselves at all costs.
- Even if Trump has a couple billion dollars, why would he ruin his name in history for money that doesn't mean much to him?
- Tim references George Carlin: sociopaths have very high self-esteem, so Trump probably thinks being president is the only way to cement his place in history.
- 4 min
They discuss whether Trump's re-election chances are hurt by the pandemic, joke about Joe Biden's mental decline, and argue Bernie Sanders lacks the killer instinct to expose Biden in debates, plus a riff about Hunter Biden and Ukraine.
7moments
- Joe Biden has full onset dementia, according to Tim.
- Bernie lacks killer instinct and should demolish Biden in a debate by exposing his mental unfitness.
- Perfect storm: pandemic, $20 trillion debt, foreign wars, and two elderly potentially mentally unfit men running the country.
- Tim calls the current leadership elderly kleptocrats engaged in late-stage looting, comparing Washington to a smash-and-grab robbery.
- This moment is Bernie's best chance if there was ever a time for him to strike.
- Trump will find a way to be funny about dead bodies and deaths from his policies.
- Tim questions whether Trump might try to bomb his way out of the next election.
- 2 min
Ray and Tim speculate on how long the pandemic disruption will last, contrast America's sentimental vigil culture with China simply moving on from disasters, and compare the isolating loneliness of COVID to the communal grief of 9/11 before wrapping the call.
6moments
- Tim predicts six months of disruption rather than two to three months.
- China gets back on track by torching cities and moving forward without sentiment.
- The US will have vigils and turn coronavirus into a musical, unlike China's pragmatic approach.
- Tim argues 911 had more human compassion; now people become enemies when someone coughs.
- Post-9/11 vigils brought people together; lockdowns eliminate that connection and push people online.
- Tim claims a large portion of the country will become schizophrenic in the next 90 days from isolation and internet dependency.
- 3 min
Tim thanks Ray, recaps that he doesn't know what's coming next, mentions upcoming guests like Roseanne and past guests like Dr. Steve, and reflects on the show's role as "the news" during the crisis.
8moments
- Tim directs listeners to his Patreon and Twitter for support.
- Saturday broadcast coming from New York with Rick Comp, airing Sunday at various times depending on timezone.
- Tim describes the current uncertainty about quarantines and societal disruption while maintaining hopeful spirits.
- He expects conspiracy theories on all sides, death, destruction, and disruption, hoping it doesn't escalate to martial law or an extinction event.
- The movie Contagion is not good, despite being relevant to current events.
- Tim promises to bring on experts and relevant guests like Roseanne, nurses, and Dr. Steve from Opie and Anthony.
- Tim positions himself as the news anchor and authority figure for this new reality.
- On the bright side, people now have free time since comedy shows are canceled, which is worth embracing.
- 3 min
Comparing Grocery Store Vibes to Early Italy
#Tim and Ben discuss the eerily casual mood at LA grocery stores like Sprouts and CVS, compare it to early reports from Italy, and go through rising case numbers in Germany and Italy, expressing dismay at Italy being ravaged.
4moments
- Tim observes grocery store shoppers in Eagle Rock acting casual, making jokes about Corona while grabbing food with no apparent concern.
- Early Italy had the same vibe—people joking over cappuccino before things escalated to tambourines and chaos on patios.
- Germany appears to be handling the situation better, with around 3,675 cases and only eight deaths reported.
- Italy, by contrast, has been ravaged with 17,000 total cases and 14,000 new cases in just the past week.
- 3 min
Tim runs down cancelled tour dates (Philly, Des Moines, Minnesota), advises against buying tickets right now, promotes Patreon and sponsors, teases a Roseanne appearance, and closes the show welcoming all political viewpoints as listeners.
7moments
- Tim advises against buying tickets to live dates right now due to uncertainty about cancellations.
- Philly, Des Moines, and Minnesota shows are cancelled; everything else remains on the books for now.
- Tim directs listeners to Patreon for support and mentions an extra episode every week plus upcoming YouTube livestreams.
- Roseanne Barr is coming on the show; Tim is a huge fan of hers.
- The May live podcast with Ray Compton is sold out, assuming it happens.
- Everyone is welcome on the show—QAnon believers, violent communists, ISIS—regardless of ideology.
- Everybody needs content because that's all we have left in the darkness.