Episode 187 · The Ben Avery Era
#187 - Waffle Sundaes and Puppet Shows | The Tim Dillon Show
Feb 16, 2020 · 1:22:59 · 433,000 views · 17 segments, 142 moments indexed
In a two part episode, Tim rants in the new studio about Joaquin Phoenix and the Academy Awards, his thriving jewel business, and what the American people really want: puppets.
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- 4 min
The Oscars, Joaquin Phoenix, and Milk
#Tim opens by mocking the Academy Awards, Joaquin Phoenix's PETA-style speech about milk and animal cruelty, and Hollywood's increasing disconnection from ordinary Americans facing an opioid epidemic and healthcare crises.
10moments
- Joaquin Phoenix went up at the Oscars and talked about milk.
- Tim on Joaquin Phoenix lecturing about animal abuse while Pacino and De Niro are literal chupacabras on the red carpet.
- Brad Pitt did impeachment jokes, given more screen time than Adam Schiff got during the actual impeachment.
- The Russia investigation and Mueller probe proved nothing after years of buildup and media hype.
- Tim suspects Hollywood's animal-rights crusade is a COINTELPRO operation designed to distract from real issues.
- People are on heroin, working three jobs, going bankrupt from medical bills, but celebrities lecture about factory farming.
- The privilege required to believe milk consumption is the biggest problem facing the country.
- Tim on meat and dairy: people eat animals to survive, some abstain from animal products, but the crusade to end all consumption is insane.
- America is a dead empire like Enron, and politicians are still arguing about deli menus while the country collapses.
- We're done as a country, and the focus is on milk.
Chelsea HandlerKathy GriffinJoaquin PhoenixBrad PittRobert MuellerAl PacinoRobert De NiroAdam Schiff
- 3 min
Celebrities Look Like Aliens Now
#Tim riffs on how celebrities like Timothy Chalamet look increasingly strange and unrelatable, citing Andrew Schulz's theory about publicists and social media isolation making them seem alien.
6moments
- Tim on modern celebrities looking progressively weirder and less human—Timothy Chalamet as a floating feather cast in amber.
- These celebrities have stopped being on planet Earth; they speak in odd patterns and communicate like aliens discussing what humans should do.
- Growing up people cared about the Academy Awards and Emmys, but something shifted and they became creepy and strange instead.
- Andrew Schulz's point: celebrities without social media and living in castles, controlled entirely by publicists, now seem completely unrelateable.
- Late-night talk show interviews are completely staged—hosts ask celebrities about being in Italy together as if that's genuine banter.
- News cycle juxtaposition: major stories like mass shootings and bribes lead into Jimmy Fallon asking someone about their Italy vacation.
celebritiesTimothée ChalametJimmy FallonSeth MeyersAndrew Schulz
- 3 min
Late Night TV, Jimmy Fallon, and the Olive Garden Bit
#He mocks the vapidity of late-night talk shows like Fallon's, contrasting them with real conversation, and rants about the absurdity of celebrities visiting the Olive Garden as a bit.
8moments
- Late night used to feature real intellectuals like James Baldwin discussing serious topics, unlike today's shows terrified of upsetting their audience.
- Jimmy Fallon's format—playing with Muppets, singing with the band, doing games with celebrities—represents the absurdity of late night entertainment.
- Tim describes the cognitive dissonance of watching Fallon play games with Zac Efron after hearing a coworker was diagnosed with cancer.
- Late night shows have become the only venue where insanely wealthy celebrities interact with people, creating a dystopian nightmare of meaningless conversations.
- Tim says he won't do stand-up on late night because his material is too ranty and dark, and he can't perform 5-minute sets effectively.
- Networks rejected Tim's stand-up submissions for being too ranty and dark, but he respects comedians like Norman and Sam Morril who do work those shows.
- If Tim appears on a late night panel, the episode won't air because he'll ask the hosts what they're actually doing and keep bringing up real issues.
- Tim would constantly raise real topics on panel until the network censors him, knowing the show's audience wouldn't tolerate genuine conversation.
Jimmy FallonJames Baldwinlate night showsNormanSam MorrilPost MaloneZac Efron
- 4 min
Imagining a Tonight Show Taping Is Worse Than a Terminal Diagnosis
#Tim elaborates on the horror of wanting to attend a live taping of a late-night show, imagining overworked Olive Garden staff forced to serve celebrities and fantasizing about a worker snapping.
7moments
- Tim imagines being on a NYC trip when someone suggests going to a Tonight Show taping and compares the feeling to a terminal diagnosis.
- Why would anyone want to watch a taping of something they can already see on TV, he asks.
- Jimmy's typical field piece: taking celebrities to the Olive Garden while exhausted servers work sixteen-hour shifts on amphetamines.
- Some Olive Garden workers might be so broken they'd get excited, but there's got to be a chef who's considered a Travis Bickle moment at Fallon's presence.
- Tim argues the Olive Garden bit is garbage—the joke of rich people eating regular food and pretending it's good.
- The Olive Garden has no quality; anything they serve is better at a pizzeria, and the bit of teaching celebrities what silverware is makes no sense.
- This is why celebrities become so disconnected—they're only shown to audiences on shows like Tonight or The View where they promote movies while hosts scream about politics.
The Tonight ShowOlive GardenJimmy FallonThe ViewCardi BNew York CityPost MaloneShanghai
- 4 min
Why Isn't There a Margot Robbie Podcast?
#He wonders why wealthy, famous actresses never speak candidly in podcasts, mocks Emma Stone's panic attacks despite her wealth, and imagines heckling Saoirse Ronan on the red carpet about Ireland and Brexit.
9moments
- Tim asks why there aren't podcasts from major actresses like Margot Robbie and Emma Stone.
- Joaquin Phoenix's acceptance speech exemplifies the problem: celebrities moralizing instead of being vapid and aspirational.
- Celebrities have no place to be human because their handlers are terrified they'll say something that costs them a deal.
- Tim imagines confronting Saoirse Ronan on the red carpet with absurd claims about her supporting Trump and Brexit.
- Tim goes after Ireland, calling it a country where people defecate in the street and have low IQs.
- Joaquin's opening line—'I don't feel elevated'—is an immediate lie that audiences can spot.
- The real problem is that Joaquin won the award but claims not to feel elevated, when clearly everyone else in their seats is.
- Tim predicts where Joaquin would be without acting: in a bar getting hammered.
- Joaquin claims the greatest gift is using his voice for the voiceless, which Tim mocks as celebrities deciding who counts as voiceless.
Joaquin PhoenixSaoirse RonanEmma StoneDonald TrumpIrelandMargot Robbie
- 13 min
Dissecting Joaquin Phoenix's Oscar Speech Line by Line
#Tim has the transcript read back to him and reacts in real time to Joaquin Phoenix's Oscar acceptance speech, mocking his claims of not feeling elevated, his 'voice for the voiceless' rhetoric, his cow-and-milk analogy, tangents about Barbara Bush, Tana Mongeau, and Michelle Carter, and closes on the River Phoenix lyric.
23moments
- Tim on the contradiction of calling people 'voiceless' while they dominate social media and constantly speak their minds.
- Bill Cosby tweeting from prison at Snoop Dogg as proof that literally everyone has a voice.
- Tim questions why an actor deserves to speak for the voiceless just because he won a trophy and played the Joker.
- Joaquin's acting ability in the Joker role so good that Tim knows he isn't actually thinking about complex political issues.
- Tim dismisses the Williams sisters as examples of people unlikely to be contemplating trade policy.
- Joaquin's speech pivoting to talk about fighting injustice across gender, race, and species inequality.
- Tim mocks Joaquin as the suspect number one for being disconnected from nature while about to lecture on it.
- Tim lists five great smart women in America, starting with Barbara Bush for covering up JFK assassination involvement.
- Instagram influencer Tana Mongeau praised as a legitimate example of female genius for selling lip gloss and having fake parts.
- Michelle Carter getting lucky despite being devious; Tim tired of documentaries about this case instead of real crimes.
- Joaquin claiming humans feel entitled to artificially inseminate cows and steal their babies.
- Tim challenging how developing and third-world people are supposed to eat without agricultural science and animal products.
- Bernie Sanders should execute all these celebrities, though Tim only supports Tom Steyer because he doesn't know who Steyer is.
- Tim rants that murderers in small towns get Netflix shows while he, an actual talented person, gets nothing.
- Hollywood actors are all for late-term abortion while lecturing about the cow's stolen baby—no consistency.
- What Tim would respect: Joaquin grabbing the trophy, saying 'I love death,' and walking off stage with consistency.
- Joaquin's claim that humans can solve everything through love and compassion as guiding principles.
- Joaquin admitting he's been a scoundrel, selfish, and cruel—but now that he's rich and a millionaire, all that's over.
- Nobody has moral awakenings when they're broke; revelations only arrive after buying houses in Bel Air and watching murder documentaries.
- Joaquin asking for support and a second chance while acknowledging he's been horrible and abusive but also a genius.
- Tim translating the message: don't dig into Joaquin's past; just give him more work and money because that's when we're all at our best.
- Joaquin quoting his dead brother River's lyric about running to rescue with love and peace.
- Tim wondering if the wrong brother died, imagining River would say the same speech but more poetically.
Bill CosbyChelsea HandlerMichelle CarterSteven AveryTana MongeauBarbara BushRiver PhoenixTom Steyer+6 more
- 1 min
Break Recap: Stand-up Sets and Wellness Shots
#Tim recaps doing stand-up spots at the Improv and Comedy Store and getting wellness shots and a waffle sundae at Mel's Drive-In during the break.
2moments
- Tim interrupted the show to do three stand-up comedy spots at the Improv and Comedy Store, then went to Mel's Drive-In for wellness shots and a waffle sundae.
- Cayenne pepper and ginger wellness shot tasted bad, so he decided not to be well.
- 11 min
Launching Jewels by Podcaster Tim Dillon
#Tim announces a mail-order jewelry pyramid-scheme business, berates frustrated customers who haven't received their jewel kits, and stages a fake sales pitch role-play with 'Ben' pouncing on an old friend to recruit him into selling jewelry.
12moments
- Tim's true passion is jewelry, not comedy, and it's about giving people perfectly set stones.
- Jewels by Podcaster Tim Dillon customers are complaining that merchandise hasn't arrived, but Tim says they don't need physical jewels to sell the lifestyle and idea.
- Salespeople for the jewelry company must convince people they're unhappy without the right jewelry and recruit them to sell jewelry in return.
- Tim identifies himself as a businessman since childhood, constantly crunching numbers and making things work.
- A three-day intensive sales training seminar in an Arizona Hilton or Marriott will teach distributors product knowledge and sales strategy.
- Facebook is the best platform for the jewelry business because Zuckerberg doesn't verify everything, unlike Twitter, Instagram, or TikTok.
- Tim pitches Ben at lunch by telling a story about stealing and selling jewelry as a child, then revealing his new company only to worthy people.
- Tim sources his jewelry from the best jeweler, referencing the movie Uncut Gems to establish credibility.
- Jewels always glitter brightly and everybody wants them, just like the dwarfs in Snow White mining for gems—the oldest story in America.
- Tim positions the jewelry business as helping people escape 9-to-5 work by creating multiple revenue streams and a sales strategy that reaches into the community.
- He doesn't want people working dumb pig jobs and instead offers them the chance to create their own business and opportunities.
- The goal is to make people understand that Jewels by Podcaster Tim Dillon is the thing that's going to happen, through soft but persistent persuasion.
Jewels by Podcaster Tim DillonMark ZuckerbergOscarsSnow White and the Seven DwarfsUncut Gems
- 1 min
The Aaron Hernandez Documentary Is Stupid
#He mocks the public's shock over the Aaron Hernandez Netflix documentary, arguing it's not surprising that rich athletes commit violence and that America has no collective memory.
4moments
- The Aaron Hernandez documentary was stupid
- People in the documentary act shocked that an athlete could kill someone and still play football
- Athletes killing and beating people isn't fascinating or new — rich people do it all the time
- The fact that audiences found it mind-blowing reveals how fucked up the country is
Aaron Hernandez
- 13 min
Puppet Shows, Politics, and a Broken Population
#Tim expands into a long riff comparing American politics and entertainment to puppet shows, describing cruise ships, Jeff Dunham's Peanut puppet, a rehab friend's obsession with it, and the average American's inability to process reality.
11moments
- Americans have the memory of goldfish and cannot retain information from day to day.
- 20,000 people fill arenas to watch puppet shows—two puppets arguing with each other.
- Tim got over puppet shows by age three and a half; most people never do.
- Millions of people still enjoy puppets, which amazes Tim.
- Tim is amazed the country doesn't have a dictator already given the mental state of the population.
- Tim watched a Jeff Dunham special with people in rehab and told them they should do heroin instead.
- For far too many people, life is just existing without thinking about what's happening around them.
- Politicians like the Bushes and Clintons see people watching puppet shows, so they kill and poison without consequence.
- Cruise ships are full of disgusting people eating, farting, floating, and consuming garbage entertainment.
- Politics is a puppet show because people like actual puppets, so politicians are puppets.
- People in America, especially on Long Island, take pride in their ignorance and laugh at anything intelligent.
BushesThe ClintonsJeff DunhamLong IslandBernie SandersDonald Trump
- 11 min
Bernie, the Deep State, and a Dying Empire
#He goes into extended political commentary about the DNC allegedly rigging the primary against Bernie Sanders for Buttigieg, comparisons to the Russia collusion narrative, Alex Jones's deplatforming, ISIS and endless war, and predicts the ruling class will violently cling to power as the country collapses.
12moments
- Tim finds Sanders genuinely interesting, contrasting with Trump, whose weakness is that the Democratic Party's corrupt response exposes how broken the opposition really is.
- Watching major political stories like human trafficking cases, deaths, and attempts to steal the primary from Bernie vanish from the news cycle proves the ruling class is losing power and desperately consolidating control.
- The coordinated media attack on Trump after his election—centered on the debunked Russia collusion narrative—parallels exactly what they're doing to Bernie in the primaries.
- People don't grasp the historical moment yet because there are still waffle Sundays and puppet shows, but the cracks in civilization are becoming too big to hide.
- QAnon represents people who cannot handle how much real corruption exists, so they invent a subterranean war with Trump fighting the deep state—a fantasy unsupported by evidence.
- Tim refuses to become like Rachel Maddow spouting conspiracy theories without proof, despite wanting evidence of a deep state war to exist.
- Alex Jones being deplatformed by coordinated tech action is inconceivable compared to ten years ago—a sign that independent media is becoming a real threat to people in power.
- The Iowa caucus app failure allowed media to report Pete and Amy as top finishers while barely mentioning Bernie won, setting up the machinery to stop him.
- ISIS and similar groups don't actually exist in the way the government presents them—they're invented, trotted out when needed, and magically resurface after being defeated.
- The military-industrial complex cannot be unwound without a tremendous fight from people making billions; peaceful change is a fantasy—these people will never give up power willingly.
- America is a scam that ran out of steam fifty years ago and has been propped up by cheap credit and foreign wars, and it will fall.
- The wealthy elite filing into arenas to watch puppets like Buttigieg and Klobuchar might actually be the smart ones, preferring raw entertainment and circus over the dressed-up version of spectacle.
Democratic PartyAlex JonesBernie SandersDonald TrumpPete ButtigiegISISMSNBCNew York Times+7 more
- 2 min
Closing Riff: Coronavirus, Puppets, and the End Times
#Tim delivers a sarcastic hopeful sign-off about America's future, tying together coronavirus, bio-lab conspiracy theories, and the puppet-show metaphor for a distracted, doomed public.
8moments
- Tim opens the closing riff with hope for mankind and the country's bright future.
- Greta Thunberg will lead us all and the water won't rise despite climate change—buy that house by the coast anyway.
- Tim advises dating women with serious problems and just accepting imperfection in America.
- Get cinnamon roll pancakes and watch the puppets because you're lucky to be here at the end.
- We're in the previews for the end, not the main event—waiting for the dollar to stop being the world's reserve currency.
- Coronavirus is China doing biowarfare with something that slipped out in Wuhan province.
- Governments are cooking up your death in a lab while you watch the puppets.
- They'll put little masks on puppets to make it fun when everyone's in hospital beds during the next pandemic.
- 5 min
Tim reads ad copy for Ridge Wallet (promo code TIM) describing its front-pocket design and fantasizing about a buyer's glow-up, then transitions into a Bluechew ad complete with riffing about erections, consent, and killing his neighbor's dog.
9moments
- Ridge Wallet goes in your front pocket, made of steel and carbon fiber.
- Tim owns six Ridge Wallets and credits them with helping him streamline his life.
- Promo code is Tim; Ridge wallet is essential for when people have coronavirus and are about to die.
- Ridge wallet has nothing to do with actual ridges or mountains, despite the name.
- The wallet is modern, hip, sleek—described as a TikTok wallet that will make you young and famous.
- Buying a Ridge wallet will inspire your heroin-addicted brother to turn his life around.
- Ridge wallet is young like a zoomer, not old like a boomer, and will make women take you to Vegas.
- With a Ridge wallet, your neighbors will stop avoiding you and call you a pillar of the community instead of a cautionary tale.
- Bluechew promo code is Tim; Ridge wallet at ridge.com/tim, and dicks don't work anyway.
- 4 min
He continues the Bluechew read, veering into crude Valentine's Day jokes and a recurring rant that musicians deserve to be attacked in the street.
7moments
- Tim wants to choke his dog to death because it scampers around the apartment when he's upset.
- Apartment living in LA is for the damned; you should own a house instead.
- Tim complains that ED pills are one of the only things still made in the USA, and wishes they weren't.
- He's been given samples of Bluechew but doesn't want his dick hard for that long because he doesn't want anyone getting the wrong idea.
- Tim describes his fantasy of sexual partners being brought to him and then killed, like a king disposing of objects.
- Valentine's Day pitch: you want to fuck her in the mouth.
- Musicians should be attacked every day in the street and never have a moment of peace.
Blue ChewValentine's Day
- 2 min
Begging Citibank and Other Advertisers to Sponsor the Show
#Tim jokingly pleads for more legitimate advertisers, mocking the podcast ad industry as full of comedy-fan degenerates and asking listeners to email the show.
5moments
- Tim asks Citibank to sponsor the show so he can make money.
- Tim notes that podcast ad companies seem very relaxed about the ads they place.
- People in the podcast ad space are fans of comedy, which Tim argues makes them derelicts and degenerates.
- Tim asks advertisers to contact the show with real ads, claiming they have no moral qualms about anything.
- He'd advertise for a dictator and help build up their image if they emailed him.
bluechew.comRidge WalletManscape
- 1 min
Offering to Shill for Dictators and Saudi Arabia
#He jokes about being willing to advertise for genocidal dictators or Mohammed bin Salman, then transitions into a mock Chili's ad about baby back ribs.
3moments
- America loves Saudi Arabia because that's who we did 9/11 with.
- Tim sings the Chili's baby back ribs jingle as a portrait of America's culture.
- The full American experience: fill yourself with Chili's, watch a movie in a parking lot, hope Joaquin Phoenix is in it.
- 2 min
Sign-Off: Jewels, Piss, and a 9/11 Joke
#Tim closes the show riffing further on the Jewels by Tim Dillon pitch, a joke about America being about piss and puppets, a quick 9/11-is-fake bit he walks back as a joke, and a final plug to buy Bluechew before saying good night.
6moments
- Tim blames the waffle sundae for his nutty behavior, saying he should have stuck with the wellness shot instead.
- The wellness shot at Mel's Diner tastes insane—Tim took one sip and rejected it.
- Jewels by Tim Dillon has testimonials from people whose lives were changed since they started selling jewelry instead of bathing in their own piss.
- Tim's pitch: one day you're bathing in your own piss, the next day you're pissing on someone else—that's what America's about.
- 9/11's fake, nobody worked in those buildings—Tim immediately walks it back, claiming he's joking and joshing.
- Tim admits the entire show is just rambling between dick pill and erectile dysfunction medication ads.
Jewels by Tim Dillon PodcastBlue ChewMel's Diner