Episode 168 · The Porch Era
#168 - The Funniest Guy I Ever Met | The Tim Dillon Show
Oct 6, 2019 · 1:04:09 · 473,000 views · 16 segments, 92 moments indexed
Tim talks going to Logan Paul's house, sobriety, and how many of you need to get a life. Live from the deck in Los Angeles.
- 1 min
Timmy the Trashcan Cold Open
#A jingle-style bit voiced as Timmy the Trashcan, begging listeners to put their trash in him instead of on the floor.
2moments
- Tim introduces himself as Timmy the Trashcan and explains his love of trash.
- Cold open ends and Tim welcomes listeners to the Tim Dillon Show.
- 1 min
Tour Kickoff with Bert Kreischer's Body Shots World Tour
#Tim announces it's Tuesday October 1st and that he's about to fly out to join Bert Kreischer's tour bus, opening for him on the first leg of the Body Shots World Tour.
2moments
- Tim is opening the first week of Bert Kreischer's Body Shots World Tour, flying out and joining the tour bus immediately
- The tour starts on a plane and then moves to a tour bus for the first leg of dates
- 1 min
Logan Paul's House and the Impulsive Podcast
#Tim recaps visiting Logan Paul's mansion and recording the Impulsive podcast, describing the house as chaotic and fun like something out of Blank Check.
1moment
- Tim and crew just got back from recording Impulsive, Logan Paul's podcast, at his house.
- 3 min
Why 'Deserve' Doesn't Apply to Fame, Doja Cat, and the YouTuber Backlash
#Tim defends going on Logan Paul's show, arguing that fame isn't something people 'deserve'-it's simply a function of who people choose to watch, using Doja Cat's 'Juicy' as an example, and criticizes people who rage at entertainers instead of examining themselves.
7moments
- Tim explains the futility of being angry at YouTubers—anger at anyone doesn't matter.
- People hate the YouTuber kid because they don't feel like he deserves to be famous.
- "Deserve" is a word a child would use when throwing a tantrum, not a framework for discussing fame.
- You can discuss respect, legacy, and influence in terms of who deserves those things—but not fame.
- Fame is too fickle and vacuous; arguing someone deserves it leads to chasing your own tail.
- The reason people are famous is that people watch and listen to what they do—that's it.
- Tim realizes he used to be one of these people complaining about who deserves fame.
- 1 min
Guns Are Really for Shooting Your Neighbor, Not the Government
#Tim riffs that Americans arm themselves not to fight the government but to defend against each other, tying this into his broader point that public anger is really aimed at fellow citizens rather than politicians or celebrities.
2moments
- Tim's theory: people own guns not to fight the government, but to shoot their neighbor in the face during civil unrest.
- When it goes live on Facebook in the streets, that's when the real quarrel happens—between citizens, not between the armed and the state.
- 4 min
Get a Life: Comedians' Envy of YouTubers and the Politics-to-Tech Pipeline
#Tim tells envious comedians and entertainers to 'get a life' instead of resenting YouTubers' success, then pivots into how talented people now flow into tech instead of politics, believing their corporate work is altruistic while resisting any criticism of surveillance or deplatforming.
8moments
- Comedians envy YouTube stars like Logan Paul because they have actual audience numbers, not just critical praise from journalists and media.
- Tim tells envious entertainers to get a life, find someone to love, get a fulfilling job, or pick up a hobby.
- Rick Campos messaged Tim not to go on a podcast with someone, but Tim does business with people he hates all the time.
- Everyone has said things they don't want on their headstone—get over the rage about past statements.
- Doja Cat's viral song with 54 million views proves that people outside want what YouTube is actually making.
- Talented people who used to go into politics now choose tech and philanthropy because they see politics as too dirty.
- Tech workers believe their woke corporate altruism changes the world, but it's really just surveillance and deplatforming for ideological conformity.
- Tech workers aren't revolutionaries, but they think they're guardians of democracy and free speech—and they'll decide who gets to have it.
Doja CatRick CamposLogan
- 2 min
Homework: 'How to Hide Four Hundred Million Dollars' and the Epstein Financial System
#Tim assigns listeners a New York Times article about a divorce case that exposed a massive offshore financial system, arguing it reveals Epstein's operation was about money laundering for the wealthy, not just sexual blackmail.
4moments
- New York Times article 'How to Hide Four Hundred Million Dollars' by Nicolas Confessore published November 30th, 2016 assigned as homework reading
- Article details how a wealthy businessman's fortune vanished during divorce, revealing an offshore financial system larger than the US economy
- Epstein operation extended beyond sexual blackmail on the island to large-scale money laundering for major financial players and corporations
- Tim claims the financial system aspect of Epstein's crimes is broader in scope than the human trafficking allegations, involving offshore wealth hiding for the world's richest and most powerful
Jeffrey EpsteinNew York Timesoffshore financial systemprivate equityNicolas confess or a
- 2 min
Tim reads a BetterHelp ad, framing the service's real value (in his telling) as a safe, job-preserving way to masturbate on the phone with a stranger rather than actual counseling.
5moments
- Tim introduces BetterHelp and notes he's been open about the service's controversies but continues to let them advertise.
- His actual focus: people with a sexual fetish who want to masturbate on the phone with a stranger for a small monthly fee can do so safely.
- BetterHelp is technically intended for licensed counseling, which Tim acknowledges but says isn't the feature he's chosen to emphasize.
- Tim defends the service as better than nothing for people who can't afford counselors, lack health insurance, or have anxiety about in-person sessions.
- Online counseling lets you schedule anytime and switch counselors if needed—or, as Tim repeats, masturbate on the phone without losing your job.
- 2 min
Wanting to Be a Terrorism Victim in the UK and Childhood Vacations
#Tim jokes about booking UK dates hoping to be lightly injured in a terror incident for sympathy, then recalls his family's sparse vacations including the Enchanted Forest, Disney World, and a Scottish castle trip with his dad.
4moments
- Tim wants to book shows in London over the holidays because he wants to be a victim of terrorism in the UK, thinking it might make him look better.
- He's considering shooting a special at The Stand comedy club in Glasgow, one of his favorite rooms.
- His parents took him to the Enchanted Forest as a kid, which Tim describes as possibly an attempt to sell him to pedophiles.
- Childhood vacations included Disney World twice and a castle trip to Scotland with his dad, but the family didn't take many vacations overall.
- 6 min
TGIF, 24, and Explaining 9/11 and the Iraq War to Kids
#Tim riffs on 90s TGIF sitcoms giving way to 24 and Jack Bauer legitimizing torture in pop culture, then imagines the absurdity of trying to explain 9/11, the Iraq War, and Trump's election to future kids, including a bit about a Long Island guy's baseless 'watch' predictions.
10moments
- TGIF and family sitcoms like Family Matters and Boy Meets World ended in 2003, then kids started watching 24.
- Tim argues that 24 legitimized torture more than any pop culture phenomenon by showing Jack Bauer torturing terrorists with ticking time bombs.
- The ticking time bomb scenario doesn't work in real life because by the time the bomb is already in place and ticking, it's too late.
- Movies and shows about 9/11 and the Iraq War made those events seem cool and justified, garbage that made the Iraq War look like a good idea.
- Tim explains how impossible it would be to explain 9/11 and the Iraq War to kids fifteen years from now when everyone's brain is melted by drugs and food.
- A kid asks why America invaded Afghanistan and Iraq, and the answer is Saddam Hussein supposedly had weapons of mass destruction that he didn't actually have.
- Trump got elected because politicians had lied so professionally that people wanted someone entertaining who might actually burn everything down.
- A Long Island guy insisted Trump would be the best president ever, then when asked why, just said 'watch' with no actual reasoning.
- Long Islanders use 'watch' as a way to avoid having any reasoning for what they're saying, winning the argument in their own head.
- Tim's father used to say things that made no sense, claim victory with 'just watch,' and when it didn't happen six months later, he'd move on to a new thing.
24Donald TrumpIraq WarFlight 93Saddam HusseinBoris JohnsonBragg
- 3 min
Tim reads a Monday.com ad, describing the software as a way to organize a business and eliminate office gossip and drama, eventually joking it will let you fire your employees.
4moments
- Monday.com helps you organize everything in your business to create accountability and avoid workplace drama.
- Some people love office drama and gossip because it gives their meaningless lives excitement.
- Tim recommends going to Monday.com/Tim for a free 14-day trial with no commitment.
- After using Monday.com, you'll be so organized you can fire most of your employees and they can figure out how to feed their kids.
- 16 min
Howie the Mortgage Office Lunatic and His Modular Home Deals
#A long story about Howie, a small, delusional, cocaine-dealing mortgage salesman at Tim's old company Franklin First who lived detached from facts, screamed at secretaries over modular vs. double-wide homes, hired and then financially ruined a delivery guy named Eddie, and became a legendary source of chaos and comedy at the office, including the deaths of two coworkers from overdoses.
11moments
- Tim describes a glimpse of insanity from his mortgage office days: a small, loud man named Howie who talked with his hands and fit the profile of a boiler room or Big Short character.
- Howie drove a BMW truck and lived in a condo on Long Island but made no money selling mortgages; he made his money selling cocaine that was so bad people would question whether it was actually cocaine.
- Despite closing zero loans and making no money at the office, Howie walked around like he was CEO, claiming the company sucked rather than admitting he was a terrible salesman.
- Howie would call prospects and make provably false claims, like saying he was standing in the stock exchange overlooking the floor, to people in the middle of the country with modular homes.
- Howie loses his mind when trying to close a deal on a modular home, screaming at the secretary Kelly that it's a double-wide, then calls the woman back and claims it must be a double-wide when she says she doesn't have the certified modular paperwork.
- At Howie's house, he tells Tim he wants to move to Santo Domingo because they treat you like a real person, a statement Tim finds completely nonsensical and hilarious.
- At a closing, when asked why the APR is higher than the contract rate, Howie tells the client that's the average person rate and they're better than average, so they got a lower one.
- Mike, the older office manager who drives a Honda Civic, tries to address Howie's behavior, but Howie disrespects him for not having money, calling him a vagrant telling him how to conduct himself in the boardroom.
- Howie hires Eddie, a Spanish-speaking food delivery guy, to call Spanish leads, claiming his problem is language barriers rather than being incomprehensible on the phone.
- Three days after Howie hires Eddie, Eddie is crying in the office because Howie never paid him, and Mike confronts Howie about getting the guy to quit his delivery job with no income.
- Two people died of overdoses while Tim worked at the office, including a friend of his who died from drugs sold by someone working in the company, forcing that person to leave.
HowardBen FranklinLong IslandmortgagesSanta Domingo
- 8 min
The Wildest Office: Jim Cacciatore, Long Island Nightclubs, and the Body Count
#Tim continues describing the insane mortgage office culture circa 2005-2006, including a clueless salesman named Jim Cacciatore, nights at the Long Island club Mirage doing coke and dancing with people who 'deserved' the financial crisis, and reflecting on how many people from that era ended up dead or in jail.
10moments
- Jim Cacciatore, an older Italian guy who wore unbuttoned shirts with chest hair exposed, worked in Tim's mortgage office without knowing anything about mortgages.
- Jim would put callers on hold every few seconds to ask colleagues basic questions about mortgages before returning to pitch them.
- Tim's 2005-2006 mortgage office was the height of insanity, drugs, and his own cocaine use at the peak of his addiction.
- Tim was sniffing heavy amounts of cocaine while calling clients and eventually owed thousands of dollars just in cocaine debt.
- Tim lived in a windowless basement apartment in Massapequa, Long Island doing cocaine, then moved to Long Beach, both barely lived in before buying a house.
- The mortgage office crew would pile into the boss's shitty old limo, drive to the city, go to nightclubs, and party until the boss punched someone and got everyone kicked out.
- Mirage was a massive club in the middle of Long Island where Tim's coworkers would dance, do blow, and drink during the peak of their excess.
- Long Island people are so confident and self-assured in their ignorance that watching them party makes you wish a financial crisis would thin the herd.
- Several people from Tim's mortgage office ended up in jail, overdosed, or died during that era, including at least one OD in the office.
- Tim attended two or three funerals during that period for people from the office, one a car accident but most related to drug use.
Long IslandMiragemortgagesLong BeachMassapequa Long Island
- 3 min
Tim reads a Wix ad while claiming to sit on a hotel toilet in Houston, telling listeners they're worthless without a professional website and comparing untapped talent to undiscovered gold and moon rocks.
5moments
- Tim sits on a Hilton toilet in Houston and declares that not having a website in the modern world means you're finished.
- He compares undiscovered talented people to gold nuggets waiting in a riverbed, referencing a scene from White Fang.
- Tim argues that many people's lack of success comes down to either their brain or not having a Wix website that looks professional.
- Social media accounts are worthless for business credibility—dogs and cats have them, so you need an actual website.
- The only things without websites are nothing, and even frauds have them, so a website is the baseline for existing as a business.
WixBert KreischerWhite Fang
- 6 min
His Own Drug Years: Percocet Mornings, Purism, and Friends Who Died
#Tim reflects seriously on the opioid epidemic and the Sackler family, then describes his own peak drug use around 2006-2007, his habit of never mixing drugs, and the deaths of friends from overdoses, urging listeners struggling with addiction to seek real help.
7moments
- Tim took Percocet in the mornings with eggs, bacon, coffee, and cigarettes on the way to work.
- A kid from his school overdosed; Tim attended the funeral and notes drug counselors go to multiple funerals per month.
- Tim's heaviest drug use was 2006-2007 when he was completely dependent and organized tasks around getting high.
- He attributes survival to being a drug purist—never mixing different substances, drinking when on pills or cocaine separately.
- SoundCloud rappers die because they mix drugs like lean; today's kids are on literal pharmaceuticals from major companies.
- Tim pitched shows based on his mortgage stories but no network has picked them up for their to-do list.
- Creative jobs require delusion and faith in the idea before facts matter, but too much delusion leaves you at 38 tweeting at Bernie Sanders about Russian agents.
Sackler familyopioid addictionGary Vaynerchuk
- 7 min
Delusion, Craziness, and Advice to Do the Batshit Crazy Thing
#Tim ties his fondness for the office's crazy characters into a philosophy that creative success requires a healthy dose of delusion and craziness early on, advising listeners to take the batshit-crazy leap even though the odds of success are tiny, before closing with reflections on fun people ending up in rehab or jail and humor as the best way to waste time.
10moments
- Tim argues that a little craziness is necessary to create anything great and break from the path everyone else walks.
- He tells people they won't succeed if they're too sane and normal, because they won't take the necessary risks.
- Tim advises people messaging him for advice to do the batshit crazy thing—move to New York, upend their life—if it feels insane enough.
- The catch: if you do it, the odds of success are minuscule, worse than the lottery, and it will probably destroy you either way.
- Tim reflects fondly on his time with genuinely crazy people, though many were the bad kind of crazy or a mix of both.
- Sometimes facts don't matter and you just have to go try, but eventually you have to land on Earth and pay the price.
- The kind of fun people he knew were wild enough to push their elderly mothers down stairs for money.
- Really fun people—doing rails at a hundred miles an hour—go to rehab or jail; that's the only two places for them.
- True fun people are so committed to it that they abandon their families; the window for that kind of fun is very short.
- Humor is just a way to waste time in the best way possible, which is what Tim says he does by touring and performing.