Episode 154 · The Porch Era
154 - The 3 AM Episode
Jun 30, 2019 · 1:22:42 · 169,000 views · 25 segments, 140 moments indexed
Tim decides to start recording at 3 in the morning all fired up about BBQ chicken pizza. He tells stories from his childhood, and makes a big announcement.
- 1 min
Show intro music and applause before talk begins.
1moment
- Cold open begins
- 5 min
Doing Blow at 13 and the Pizzeria That Sold Cocaine
#Tim defends himself against accusations that he fabricated his teenage drug use for edginess, describing it as unremarkable where he grew up, and recounts a local pizzeria in his town that got busted for selling cocaine alongside pizza.
7moments
- Tim recalls doing blow at 13 in his friend's backyard and defends the story against accusations of fabrication.
- Doing lots of cocaine at thirteen wasn't typical behavior but wasn't unheard of where Tim grew up.
- Tim clarifies he's not proud of his drug use and wouldn't have invented it for credibility—he would have made up attending college instead.
- Ben's laugh generates two complaints from listeners while tens of thousands watch the show.
- Tim points to his voice as evidence he actually used drugs, dismissing the idea that he fabricated the story.
- Being a drug addict who foreclosed on a house in Long Island doesn't make Tim special or uncommon.
- A pizzeria in Tim's town got busted for selling cocaine—verifiable in news archives, not an invention for credibility.
- 5 min
The White Pie, Barbecue Chicken Pizza, and Lactaid
#He riffs on ordering cocaine as a 'white pie,' the correct way to make barbecue chicken pizza with open pit sauce, and drinking Lactaid with a friend as a kid.
7moments
- White pie was slang for cocaine in his neighborhood growing up.
- Tim explains how gourmet pizza with exotic toppings wasn't part of his upbringing—it was just pizza or cocaine.
- An eight ball is 3.5 grams of cocaine, which he hasn't done in seven or eight years.
- Tim and his friend would order drugs and also request actual food from the same place, asking the dealer to make stuffed shells first.
- They'd order weed on top of a barbecue chicken pizza from that pizzeria.
- Tim details the proper barbecue chicken pizza: breaded chopped chicken cutlets tossed in Open Pit barbecue sauce on regular red-sauce pizza, served warm but not reheated.
- His friend's mother was lactose intolerant and used Lactaid, which they called 'tade' and drank—it tasted like gelatin and was disgusting.
- 6 min
Barb, the Chubby Kids, and Uncle Rick With No Tongue
#He recalls his friend's mother Barb calling them disgusting chubby kids while they ate pizza, her cop brother-in-law's insults, and a downstairs neighbor named Uncle Rick who had half a tongue.
6moments
- Barb, his friend's mother, would greet them with 'hello boys' while smoking Barbados cigarettes and sitting in a lazy boy with her husband.
- Tim describes Barb's brutal honesty about him and his friend: 'you boys are disgusting two chubby kids eating pizza drinking lactaid.'
- The older cop brother would sexually harass them in the basement, which Barb would shut down by saying 'language' while the boys kept eating.
- Tim reflects on how he and his friends got brutalized growing up, but it was funny in retrospect because the insults were just accurate observations.
- Another friend's mother was a high-priced call girl who had different names throughout her life, all ending in 'i'—Tony, Brandy, Toni.
- This woman drove Tim and her daughter to a head shop in eighth grade while hammered, chugging what might have been Jäger or blackberry schnapps.
Barbbarbecue chicken pizza
- 5 min
Tony the Ex-Call-Girl Mom Buys Bongs and Drops Wisdom
#A friend's mother, a former high-priced call girl with multiple names, drives eighth graders to a head shop while drunk, advises them to say 'I treat myself real good' about masturbating, and dances on acid outside their door.
4moments
- Tim recalls a woman giving him and his friend unsolicited sex advice in eighth grade, telling them to say 'I treat myself real good' when asked if they're sexually active.
- The encounter was so absurd that Tim and his friend collapsed laughing on the kitchen floor, then got yelled at by a half-tongued neighbor named Uncle Rick.
- Months later, Tim and a friend took acid at the same woman's house while others wanted to go out; they preferred staying in what felt like a resort.
- While tripping, the woman burst into the room doing the funky chicken dance and speaking like Uncle Rick, then told them they'd never know if it actually happened.
Uncle RickShay
- 3 min
Tony Rats Out a Drug Dealer and Mushes a Stripper's Face
#More stories about Tony: she brands a guy who ripped off her daughter as a police rat to every dealer in town, and mushes her daughter's stripper girlfriend's face in an altercation. Tim contrasts these fun drug stories with the grimness of the modern opioid crisis and mentions his ruined credit.
6moments
- A woman called every drug dealer in town to tell them her daughter's rip-off artist was working for the police.
- Tony's mother mushed a stripper's face in the car and denied it, then later showed Tim and his friend exactly how she did it.
- Tim contrasts the fun chaos of old drug stories with the opioid crisis, which is just problems and issues without the laughs.
- Tim's credit score is blank—he exists on Instagram but not on paper because his credit history is so horrific.
- Golden Key credit card had a $250 activation fee with almost no credit limit, designed to keep poor people trapped in poverty.
- The predatory credit system is engineered to keep people poor by charging fees before they can even use the card.
Golden Key Creditopioid crisis
- 1 min
Tim reads a Wix website-builder ad, riffing about using it even if you're dying, encouraging listeners to build a site and have fun.
4moments
- Tim pitches Wix as a website builder for lazy people, with over 500 templates and drag-and-drop customization.
- You can use AI robots to design your website if you don't want to do it yourself.
- Go to timdillonsgoingtonhell.com for 10% off any Wix premium plan.
- Even if you're dying with an inoperable tumor and the doctors give you a few months to live, you should get on Wix and post photos of yourself declining.
- 2 min
An ad for Delay Spray, a delay spray to last longer in bed, with Tim joking about using it just to have a hard-on without having sex.
6moments
- The spray solves the problem that men come in 5.5 minutes while women take 18 minutes.
- Tim claims the best doctors in the world designed this spray.
- Over 2200 urologists recommend it as a first-line treatment, and it's the number one sexual enhancer on Amazon.
- Tim acknowledges the clinical studies backing it are funny to contemplate but don't require a prescription or doctor visit.
- Everyone at the studio uses it and walks around with hard penises, which Tim guarantees will improve relationships.
- Bad relationships probably exist because the man has a soft penis, not from other issues.
Essent
- 2 min
Tony's Family, Connor's Overdose, and Writers With No Real Life Experience
#Tim reflects on Tony's family being wild but full of good people, mentions a friend's ex-boyfriend Connor who died of an overdose, and mocks comedy writers with no real-life experience compared to people who grew up like him.
4moments
- A woman from his past was a genuine character who made an impression on him.
- A guy named Connor, who dated the woman's daughter, died of an overdose.
- Tim knew Connor's whole family and says they were great people, wild but great.
- TV writers with no valuable real-life experience just churn out unreadable Harvard Lampoon garbage that nobody laughs at.
- 6 min
Ben shares a Texas story about a kid literally named Cactus Jack Daniels who died young of a brain aneurysm, and the deer-feed-stealing gun standoffs among teenagers in his hometown.
10moments
- A kid named Cactus Jack Daniels — his actual legal name, combining a gun brand with a whiskey brand.
- Tim explains that naming a child Cactus Jack Daniels is essentially a death sentence.
- A teenager named Easton stole a bag of deer feed from Cactus's truck just to mess with him.
- Sheriffs would find shotguns and rifles in high school kids' cars during parking lot checks because they claimed they were going hunting after school.
- Cactus pulled a .22 on Easton over stolen deer corn, and they both drew guns on each other before just walking away.
- Cactus Jack Daniels died at 24 from a brain aneurysm.
- Texas gun culture is a different kind of crazy compared to the organized crime atmosphere Tim grew up around in New Jersey.
- Tony Soprano was based on a mobster who ran the de Cavalcanti family and lived in Tim's hometown.
- Characters from Goodfellas, including Paulie, were connected to people living in Tim's New Jersey town.
- Italian mob members have lost political clout and can't function anymore; everyone rats, so they just open strip clubs in Arizona or Vegas instead.
De Cavalcanti familyCactus Jack DanielsTony SopranoGoodfellasTexas
- 4 min
Island Park's Mob Ties and Tony Soprano's Real-Life Basis
#Tim describes his hometown of Island Park, its connection to organized crime figures (including the man Tony Soprano was allegedly based on), and how the mafia has lost power because everyone rats now.
7moments
- Island Park, the town where Tim grew up, had significant mob ties and drug culture.
- Tim describes the heavy drug presence in Island Park—acid, weed, hallucinogens—as a normal part of childhood there.
- The neighborhood had people taking ketamine (K) to the point of dissociating in k-holes.
- MDMA tablets with brand logos like Mitsubishi were common, and Tim calls it a great way to grow up.
- Growing up doing drugs with crazy people didn't prepare him for actual life.
- Tim's father drove him to liberal arts schools but sent mixed signals about college, saying his biggest regret was not finishing it without actually pushing Tim to go.
- When Tim asked why he didn't go to camp, his father said 'we're not Jewish'—meaning they didn't have the money, since his dad managed a ColorTile store.
Greg FitzsimmonsEvan McGuinnessIsland Park
- 2 min
Hallucinogens, Ecstasy Logos, and No College Tours
#Tim discusses widespread teenage drug use (acid, shrooms, ketamine, ecstasy with Mitsubishi logos), and contrasts his lack of college-tour parenting with other comedians' kids getting toured through nice schools.
3moments
- Summer recreation programs for poor kids create lifelong friendships through shared exposure to drugs and detention.
- Every bus driver in his town was a morbidly obese woman, mostly angry.
- Tim and friends would knock on their bus driver Miss Donnelly's door asking to use the phone or the time, just to mess with her.
summer school recreation programsJolly Ranchers
- 5 min
Summer Camp Poverty, the Sprinkle Cup Incident, and Bus Driver Ronnie
#Tim describes being sent to a cheap school recreation program instead of camp, getting suspended for taking extra sprinkle cups and making a lunch lady cry, and messing with a hated bus driver named Ronnie.
7moments
- Bus driver Ronnie would illegally let Tim out during lunch recess when he yelled there was a fire, and she never questioned it.
- Tim got suspended for in-school detention for being rude and inappropriately demanding to staff in the lunchroom.
- Lunch ladies are often frustratingly stupid, even as a child Tim found them offensively dumb in many cases.
- A Czechoslovakian lunch lady started crying and wailing after Tim took extra sprinkle cups beyond his allocation.
- All the other lunch shades ran to comfort the crying woman and brought Tim to the principal, claiming he made her cry.
- Tim argues the only logical response would have been to beat both the lunch lady and him, not interrupt the principal.
- His advice: if you invest in your kids, send them to a real school, not a summer camp where they'll meet future overdose victims.
lunch shadesRonnie
- 1 min
A BetterHelp ad describing the online therapy service, confidentiality, and ability to switch therapists easily.
2moments
- BetterHelp doesn't tweet out your therapy sessions or livestream them.
- If you're unhappy with your therapist, you can request a new one at any time with no additional charge.
- 4 min
Friend Groups, Riding With Hector and Sonya to the Bronx for Coke
#Tim reflects on how he always had one or two close friends rather than a big clique, and recounts riding with older acquaintances Hector and Sonya to the Bronx as a young teen to get weed and cocaine.
5moments
- Tim's strategy was always having one or two close friends rather than a large group, which let him move between social circles more easily.
- Small groups fit better in cars—going to the Bronx with Hector and Sonya in eighth grade to get weed and cocaine was feasible because it was just a few people.
- He remembers those nights as fun but also recalls the constant fear of getting caught coming home at 2 or 3 a.m. while his parents were awake.
- Coming down off coke one night, they turned the corner toward his friend's house and all the lights were on at 2:45 a.m., which should never happen.
- His friend looked at him and said "we're fucked" in that moment of certain discovery.
- 2 min
The Lights Are On: Sneaking Home Coming Down Off Coke
#A tense story about coming home at 2:45am coming down off cocaine to find all the lights on in his friend's house, and Barb calmly letting them off the hook while name-dropping his mother.
6moments
- Tim's cover story for disappearing was always 'we were just walking around' despite being obvious drug addicts to everyone.
- People think they're fooling everyone about their mess, but they're fooling no one.
- Tim used to show up at his friend's house in different cars, disappear for days, then reappear looking crazy.
- Tim and his friend's arrival at the house was met by Barb with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth, ready to call the police.
- Barb didn't ask where they'd been, just suggested Tim go home—their parents already knew something was wrong.
- Tim's mother was furious, asking if he was going to die while examining his dilated eyes.
- 5 min
Mom Rents Rooms to Drug Dealers After the Divorce
#After his parents' divorce, his mother rented rooms in the house to drug dealers to make ends meet, turning his eighth-grade home into a literal drug house, including a pregnant dealer named Michelle who did blow with them.
7moments
- Tim's friend Tina's mother encouraged them to masturbate and treat themselves well during their youth
- After his parents' divorce in eighth grade, Tim's mother decided to rent out rooms in their Long Island house to pay the mortgage
- All three rented rooms went to drug dealers and people who could connect you with other dealers, turning the house into a drug den
- Tim jokes about the convenience of having drug dealers living in your house if you develop a drug problem
- A woman named Michelle, now a felon, moved into one of the rooms and supplied eighth-grade Tim and his friend Shay with cocaine
- Michelle would drive them around in an old Lincoln Town Car to get high, and she had kids and was pregnant during this time
- Michelle justified doing cocaine while nine months pregnant by claiming the baby was already formed so it was okay
- 3 min
Dennis, Vietnam Vet Who Lived in a Van, and 'Life in the Big City'
#Tim describes his mother's friend Dennis, a Vietnam vet who lived in a van by the beach after his divorce and responded to every piece of bad news with 'life in the big city.'
5moments
- Tim recounts a friend walking into his house at 3 AM and giving him and another person acid, then rolling when everyone woke up for work while his mother screamed about drug addicts.
- Dennis, Tim's mother's friend, was a Vietnam vet who avoided paying his ex-wife by living in a van by the beach instead.
- Dennis would drink wine out of a Burger King plastic cup and respond to any bad news with the phrase 'life in the big city' no matter what was happening.
- Dennis would also walk around the house saying 'wheeze B's Goods,' which Tim acknowledges he doesn't know if it was racist or what it meant.
- Tim describes the appeal of the old world—smoking inside, ashing in fireplaces, eating clams—and questions how anyone could not be nostalgic for that way of living.
- 4 min
Dennis Defends Their Acid Trip From Mom
#More Dennis stories about his sister's fraud case and fistfights, followed by Dennis telling Tim's screaming mother to shut up while the boys tripped on acid at 7am, and Tim's reflection on how his chaotic mortgage-era adulthood mirrored his childhood.
8moments
- Dennis's sister-in-law defrauded a gas station owner out of his entire business after working as his bookkeeper.
- Dennis had countless fight stories and was generally a fun guy despite the family drama.
- When Tim's mother was screaming at him and his friend tripping on acid at 7 a.m., Dennis told her to shut up because she was ruining their trip.
- Tim looks back on rough periods of his life and realizes the drug use and financial chaos made more sense in that climate than it does now.
- By eighth grade, major drug dealers from his town were living in his house and asking for rides to pick up product.
- Tim's friend Shay's sister Denise was mentally slow, and they nicknamed her 'Doink' after a clown character.
- Tim's favorite drug-addled memories are of getting high, eating barbecue chicken pizza with Lactaid, and playing Tekken.
- Unlike people who use cocaine to go to orgies, Tim's drug experiences involved eating pizza and playing video games before he outgrew that phase.
- 3 min
The Fake Kidnapping Ransom Note Prank on Donk
#Tim and his friend Shay play a prank leaving a fake ransom note at a slow-witted friend's house, panicking when she actually calls the cops, but her mother Barb lets it slide.
8moments
- Tim and friends planted a fake ransom note in Donk's house and walked around the block as a prank.
- The ransom note said 'We kidnapped the boys' and demanded an oddly specific, non-standard amount of money.
- Donk found the note, called the cops, and they showed up while Tim and his friend were hiding in bushes after smoking weed.
- Police officers laughed at Donk because the ransom note was obviously fake and left the scene.
- When they returned to the house, Donk was crying and upset, saying the prank wasn't funny.
- Barb called the boys and told them not to mess with her anymore, then said she'd deal with them in the morning.
- Barb wasn't even mad about the prank, which made the whole situation even more absurd.
- Tim reflects that looking back, his childhood had messed-up elements—neglect, abuse—but also moments of genuine chaos and dysfunction.
- 5 min
Avoiding Heroin and Going to a Real Rehab at 25
#Tim talks about narrowly avoiding heroin addiction unlike a friend who died from it, and describes his real inpatient rehab experience at 25 at a rough Long Island facility versus his fake outpatient rehab in eighth grade.
9moments
- Tim had a friend who died from heroin and credits avoiding it as potentially life-saving.
- Growing up Irish Catholic, he was exposed to drinking and various drugs, but never heroin.
- He went to inpatient rehab at 25, right around when he started comedy.
- Outpatient rehab in eighth grade was fake—just a way to meet new drug connections.
- Long Island Center for Recovery was full of meth heads who'd bang on doors at 7am demanding shorts.
- Tim believes rehab should be harsh and unsettling, not the cushy celebrity experience.
- His insurance barely covered seven days because he didn't show up drunk enough for full approval.
- Intake counselors switch demeanor instantly when insurance falls through, from family-like warmth to 'get out of here kid.'
- The whole system changes its treatment of patients based on whether their insurance will actually pay.
heroinsober housesLong Island Center for Recoveryprivate insurance
- 3 min
The Sober House and Rehab-for-Profit Racket
#Tim explains how the rehab industry exploits insurance and how sober companions are paid to babysit rich addicts, including a bit about a hypothetical rich kid's sober companion named Mary.
4moments
- Rehab programs charge about five grand a day while claiming God is free.
- Tim describes a wealthy 28-year-old whose parents pay a companion named Mary to monitor him and report back on his drinking.
- The sober companion setup became necessary after the guy threw up blood at a hotel during his father's corporate merger.
- Rehab is a massive business, and Tim advises struggling listeners to "keep using drugs" before immediately clarifying he's joking.
- 5 min
Tim and Ben announce they are leaving Cast Digital to go independent, discussing plans for a Patreon, more video content, and reasons the mainstream comedy industry won't fund the kind of comedy they want to make.
9moments
- After three years with Cast Digital, Tim and the show are going independent.
- The plan includes weekly podcasts, a Patreon for extra content, and longer desk videos beyond just podcasting.
- Tim clarifies the split from Cast Digital is not contentious—he loves the guys there, but independence makes more sense right now.
- Tim thought being funny would make the comedy industry care, but that hasn't happened the way he expected.
- The kind of comedy Tim wants to make will never get approval from Comedy Central, network TV, or major streaming services.
- Rather than wait for the industry, Tim will build something self-sustaining and support it directly from fans.
- There are more opportunities to succeed on your own than waiting for the business to come to you.
- Tim imagines pitching the Megan McCain video to a network and getting notes about softening the explicit language.
- Going independent means they don't need network approval to create the comedy they want.
Cass DigitalMegan McCain
- 3 min
The Megan McCain Joke They'd Never Get Approved
#Tim imagines a network exec trying to soften his joke about wanting to sleep with Megan McCain's dead father, illustrating why they need creative independence.
5moments
- Tim explains the plan to make funny content independently without waiting for business approval or traditional funding.
- The most important thing is sharing the show—retweeting, posting to Instagram, telling friends, regardless of whether people can financially contribute.
- You have to go find the comedy you want now because it won't come from SNL or traditional outlets, even though good stuff is still being made.
- Final episode with Gass coming mid-July, followed by a rebrand with the same show under a different name and additional content options.
- Tim offers to be a company spokesperson and promises to run their business into the ground in a hilarious way.
- 1 min
Tim closes by thanking listeners, encouraging them to share the show, and jokingly invites any company willing to be destroyed by his sponsorship to reach out.