Episode 146 · The Porch Era
146 - Small Town Girl
May 5, 2019 · 1:07:34 · 126,000 views · 24 segments, 142 moments indexed
This week we find Tim in the middle of an LA blackout, joined by Devan Costa.
- 1 min
Show intro music and network branding announcement before talk begins.
1moment
- Tim welcomes listeners to the show
- 1 min
Broadcasting From a Porch Due to a Power Outage
#Tim explains the power went out at his friend's LA house so they're recording on the porch, riffing on ambient YouTube noise and neighbors suddenly acting neighborly.
4moments
- Tim broadcasts from a porch in Los Angeles due to a power outage with Devin Costa.
- Listeners may hear ambient noise—dogs, cholos, drones—and Tim tells them not to complain about it.
- Ambient noise helps people sleep despite hating their lives; a waterfall or soft rain can make a loveless marriage bearable.
- The episode is being recorded outside using ambient noise as the broadcast setup.
- 1 min
Imagining Asking a Neighbor for Her Papers
#Tim jokes about wanting to ask a friendly neighbor for her immigration papers during the power outage small talk.
3moments
- Tim's friend's house in LA lost power, and neighbors who never speak are suddenly bonding at a block party.
- Tim imagines his friend's fiancée asking a neighbor to show her papers and prove she's a legal resident before having a conversation.
- Tim notes how absurd it would be if someone demanded immigration documents just to chat with a neighbor about a power outage.
- 2 min
Bombing at a Comedy Festival in Austin
#Tim recounts lackluster stand-up sets at an Austin comedy festival, doing a live podcast with Ron Bennington, and eating brisket with TruTV executives.
6moments
- Tim just returned from a comedy festival in Austin where he had lackluster sets while stone-cold sober navigating drunk frat bros, tech bros, and homeless people on 6th Street.
- Festival badges cost between four hundred and a thousand dollars, and Tim acknowledges the audience probably paid that to see him bomb.
- Tim did a great live podcast with Ron Bennington and Jeremiah Watkins's show was fun, but his stand-up sets weren't connecting.
- Seven-minute sets forced him on and off stage quickly, and the audience was still figuring out what was happening around them.
- The silver lining was spending time with comedians, agents, and managers—Tim sarcastically insists he wouldn't be funny without truTV and the entertainment business people he networked with.
- Tim reflects on the vacant looks in people's faces as he struggled to get a laugh during his sets at the festival.
- 1 min
On Comedy Festivals Existing at All
#Tim declares comedy festivals, music festivals, and large paid gatherings should be illegal, while admitting he'd still take the bookings.
- 3 min
Getting Heckled by a New Comic in the Front Row
#Tim describes getting turned off by a front-row audience member who just started comedy, and his urge to target new comics who sit up front.
6moments
- Comedy festivals should be illegal, Tim says, though he'd still like to get booked at them.
- Some people love the formulaic nature of comedy, but Tim prefers live podcasts at festivals where comics can stretch and do something different.
- A guy in the front row at the Austin show told Tim he'd just started comedy a month ago, which automatically turned Tim off.
- Tim admits there's a part of him that wants to kill new comics sitting in the front row.
- When three jokes die in stone silence, Tim gets involved with the front row to bail himself out and squeeze a couple chuckles from the audience.
- Tim's escape plan after a bombing: leave the stage, go back to the hotel, watch truTV's Meat Party, eat brisket and fart in front of network executives.
comedy festivalsStand-up comedylive podcasts
- 3 min
The Netflix Petting Zoo Photo-Op
#Tim rants about being asked to pose with caged animals like chinchillas and lizards for a comedy festival's social media, refusing to participate, and mocking the logic behind it (including a Saudi money joke).
6moments
- Netflix's idea: have comedians take pictures with animals locked in cages for social media.
- Tim refuses to do it and asks the Netflix people what the actual bit is supposed to be.
- Instead of the petting zoo, Tim did a different segment where they prompted him with words to pitch fake shows, which was actually funny.
- Tim wonders why nobody at Netflix vetoes the petting zoo idea—what's the thinking behind putting comics with animals as content?
- More people will buy a chinchilla after seeing one than watch a stand-up set, so the marketing logic doesn't make sense.
- Tim jokes to Netflix that he knows they're getting floated by Saudi royal money, and they actually laugh at it.
NetflixSklar brothers
- 1 min
Reconnecting With Comedians He Doesn't See Often
#Tim briefly reflects on seeing old comedian friends at the festival and how catching up quickly becomes enough.
2moments
- Tim refused to do a petting zoo segment with exotic animals because he wanted better content.
- Reconnecting with friends at the event was fun, but running into comedians he doesn't see often revealed how little they actually have in common anymore.
- 3 min
The Three-Hour LA High-Speed Chase
#Tim describes watching a three-hour LA police chase live via FaceTime with Devin, noting the driver's careful driving, the odd lack of traffic, and the domestic violence tip that started it.
7moments
- Tim watched a three-hour high-speed police chase in Los Angeles where the driver plowed through a fence at a park but then drove perfectly for the rest of it.
- In New York, high-speed chases don't happen the same way because cops would just shoot the guy to be a hero.
- Tim FaceTimed during the chase at the two-hour mark because he was riveted, but it kept going with no end in sight.
- The driver ran on fumes and the whole chase supposedly started because someone saw him with his girlfriend in the passenger seat and called it in as domestic violence.
- When you actually watch police work unfold, the stunning level of incompetence is amazing.
- Local news anchors in Arizona, fresh out of community college, treat the chase as a big deal while covering things nobody cares about like school board races.
- Watching these news people riff during the coverage is brutal.
Los AngelesNew YorkFox 11 LA
- 4 min
Local News Coverage of the Chase
#Tim mocks the incompetent, script-dependent local Fox 11 anchors narrating the chase, comparing the real chase unfavorably to their cutting away to the Empire finale featuring Jussie Smollett.
8moments
- News anchors shouldn't exist unless there's a script in front of them.
- During the chase, anchors run out of things to say and start apologizing to producers for not talking enough.
- Everyone watching wants a dramatic resolution—cops getting shot in the legs so they can retire on three-quarters pension.
- News outlets try to create a narrative about whether the girlfriend is being held hostage or staying willingly in the car.
- People on Twitter and Facebook live-comment debating whether the woman should escape the vehicle.
- A newscast anchor discusses how she would feel fearful in that situation, and Tim hopes she gets kidnapped for real.
- Cops could have stopped the chase hours earlier with a pit maneuver, but they get cautious about endangering the woman.
- LAPD suddenly discovered God and won't risk injuring the woman, so instead they endanger the entire Los Angeles metropolitan area for three hours.
- 2 min
LAPD's Bizarre Restraint During the Chase
#Tim contrasts LAPD's usual violence with their sudden reluctance to use a pit maneuver during this chase, endangering the whole city instead of the girlfriend in the passenger seat.
5moments
- Tim describes a three-hour high-speed chase where a lunatic drives on sidewalks and wrong-way roads while cops avoid action to protect the passenger.
- Police decision to let him endanger everybody—children, mothers, innocent drivers—seems like a bizarre new woke tactic.
- Tim argues the restraint is actually about ratings; the station lets the chase play out for three hours because they have nothing else to cut to.
- Fox 11 cuts away mid-chase to show the final episode of Empire because Jussie Smollett's fake crime rates higher than the real one unfolding in the community.
- Station literally tells viewers to follow on Facebook Live if they don't want to switch to Empire, assuming the audience is brain-dead and will abandon the actual emergency.
- 4 min
The Chase's Anticlimactic Ending at a 99 Cent Store
#Devin recaps watching the chase end when the driver ran out of gas and fled into a 99 Cent Store, with cops finally swarming in front of shoppers, and everyone disappointed nobody got shot.
8moments
- Watched the chase for 45 minutes straight, guy driving on sidewalks and wrong sides of the freeway, all around LA with barely any traffic.
- Tim thinks the whole thing was a PSYOP, fake with extras, and the police were overplaying their hand—no real aggression, kept failing at pit maneuvers and backing off.
- The guy finally just drives down the freeway at 100 mph, pulls off at a 99-cent store, and makes a run for it inside.
- Tim joked this was the third craziest thing that happened at that 99-cent store that day, while people scattered running out because they felt hunted.
- The suspect runs into the 99-cent store, leaves his girlfriend behind—Tim thinks the guy was expecting the cops to let him pump gas and grab coffee like they were babysitting him.
- Cops finally enter the 99-cent store to grab him after 5 or 10 minutes, while shoppers are just trying to buy stuff surrounded by guns drawn.
- Tim's friend says thank God no one got hurt, and Tim responds he actually wanted to see the guy shot in the face with headshots and bullets.
- Tim wanted to see the suspect get out with two guns and start firing at the LAPD just to hear what the Fox 11 newscasters would say about it.
- 3 min
Fantasy Shootout Ending and the Anchors' Reaction
#Tim fantasizes about the chase ending in a Bonnie-and-Clyde-style shootout and imagines the Fox 11 anchors' absurd narration if the girlfriend had turned on police or gotten intimate with the driver mid-chase.
7moments
- Fox 11 anchors frame the woman as victim while she's shooting with her boyfriend like Mr. and Mrs. Smith
- Tim notes police are guardians of a property-owning class while anchors nervously verify she's now the one shooting
- Anchors try to rationalize her firing at police as possibly having a good reason they can't quite articulate
- Tim imagines the woman must be impressed after her boyfriend evaded cops for three hours and jokes she'd be attracted to him
- If he beat her and then escaped the entire LAPD, she'd want to sleep with him by hour three of the chase
- Tim fantasizes about news anchors narrating the woman straddling the driver and having sex with him during the pursuit
- Anchors cautiously describing what looks like her kissing him, calling it probably a defensive maneuver to slow him down
- 8 min
Tim pitches Wix for building websites, riffing on fake testimonials, his schizophrenic mother needing a website, and offers callers airtime if they buy a premium plan and prove it.
10moments
- Tim argues you absolutely need a website for your business; you can't rely only on Instagram.
- You can write fake testimonials yourself—nobody checks if Kathy from Houston is real.
- Wix offers over 500 templates and a drag-and-drop builder so simple anyone can use it.
- Someone bought timdillonsgoingtohelldotcom and Tim doesn't care enough to fight over it.
- Tim claims he can immediately tell by looking at someone whether they have a website or not.
- His schizophrenic mother in an institution could have built a fanbase if she'd had a website to livestream from.
- Tim offers anyone who buys a Wix premium plan three minutes on the show to promote whatever they want.
- Going without a website now is a choice to fail; everyone is online and you don't exist if you're not findable.
- Stop thinking life will be fun on a lake—the future is everyone in a box online, interfacing only through technology.
- Being online isn't bad for your kids; sunlight is—his Aunt Mary died of melanoma, which you can't get on 4chan.
- 2 min
Nobody Ever Sent Him Off at the Airport
#Tim contrasts other families' warm airport goodbyes with his own detached family, joking about his mother in a psychiatric institution and his father's FaceTime kisses from the golf course.
4moments
- Tim describes his Uber ride from LAX as nothing compared to the fun of his trip, then notes the airport announcements asking who's ever had a spectacular experience in LA.
- Watching other people's parents kiss and hug kids going back to college, Tim realizes he never had that—his mother sends kisses from a psychiatric institution, his father from a golf course.
- Nobody's ever dropped him at the airport and told him to go set the world on fire; instead he gets told to shut up.
- Tim says he wants to approach college boys at the airport after their parents leave and also hug and kiss them as they board, claiming that's how you meet people.
- 5 min
The Uber Ride Begins: Meeting the Driver From Perry, Florida
#Tim describes getting into an Uber from LAX with a friendly driver from Perry, Florida who talks about leaving her small town, working multiple jobs, and moving to Vegas, and mentions visiting her 19-year-old son in Florida.
7moments
- Uber driver from Perry, Florida, a small hunting town, left because small towns trap you into being one thing.
- She went to modeling school and acting classes but couldn't make it in the entertainment business from Florida.
- She worked as a server at Olive Garden in Florida, preferred Applebee's over TGI Friday's.
- She moved into low-income housing when she first arrived, met her boyfriend who was a security guard at the building.
- Tim advises her to move to Vegas where rent is cheaper, calls it a better option than staying wedged into one life.
- Tim says he can't leave because he sold his soul to this thing, unlike her ability to start fresh somewhere new.
- Her 19-year-old son is currently incarcerated, though she's planning to see him during her trip to Florida.
Perry, FloridaTGI Friday'sLas VegasApplebee'sOlive GardenLos Angeles
- 5 min
The Uber Driver's Son Is in Jail
#The driver reveals her son has been incarcerated for about a year, initially vague on the charges, before admitting it involves rape allegations from multiple women, which she rationalizes as a misunderstanding.
9moments
- Tim asks the Uber driver's mother what her son is in jail for, and she hesitates before revealing it's rape.
- The mother explains that three of five accusers have inadmissible testimonies, but they're proceeding with the other two.
- She defends her son by insisting he wouldn't use a knife, suggesting the allegations involving a knife aren't about him.
- When Tim expresses concern, the mother responds that women lie, and Tim carefully agrees while noting the awkwardness of the conversation.
- The mother theorizes her son had consensual sex with two girls who later claimed rape, and suggests it sounds like a threesome.
- Tim notes the son has been in jail for a year with limited daily freedom, seemingly accepting the mother's narrative while remaining uncomfortable.
- As they arrive at the destination, Tim wishes the mother well, but she pivots to her own Vegas apartment plans.
- The mother mentions her son has anxiety and regrets he didn't move to LA with her instead of staying in Florida.
- Tim decides to Google the son's name and "Polk County rapist" to verify the story once he gets to his friend's house.
Polk CountyFloridaLas VegasLos Angeles
- 3 min
Googling the Uber Driver's Son and Finding Child Molestation Charges
#Tim googles the case at his friend's house and finds the son is actually an accused serial child molester who broke into houses and threatened victims with a knife, far worse than the driver implied.
10moments
- Tim reads arrest details: 18-year-old serial molester accused of raping and molesting girls aged 12 to 15, sneaking through bedroom windows and threatening victims with a knife.
- Tim jokes the molester's threats sound like a cheaper Las Vegas threesome arrangement.
- Mother claims she left small town to pursue personal growth while her son is a serial rapist assaulting children at gunpoint.
- She mentions the son was molested on his father's side, which she tried to prevent by keeping him away from that side of the family.
- Tim contrasts her motivational talk about self-discovery and becoming an actress with the reality that her son is raping children.
- She pivots to discussing a summer makeup course and special effects training while her son threatens victims in Florida.
- Tim notes she wants to work on men's grooming on film sets while her son is holding knives to children's throats.
- Sheriff describes the son as a terrifying dangerous community member who hangs outside middle schools and needs to be locked up.
- She reveals he was already on probation for touching a kid before this arrest, yet complains about small-town people never seeing potential.
- Tim concludes the conversation was sweet until they discussed her son who is raping everybody in Florida.
- 4 min
Recontextualizing the Whole Conversation
#Tim and Devin dissect how the driver's cheerful self-actualization talk clashed with the horrifying reality of her son's crimes, calling it his craziest Uber ride ever.
7moments
- Tim put in headphones to talk to his Uber driver, arguing that people should engage with their drivers instead of isolating themselves.
- Driver revealed she's been in town six years while her 18-year-old son, who was 12 when they arrived, has been in and out of mental institutions.
- Tim describes the surreal quality of her detachment—how the first part of the conversation was cheerful small talk about Vegas and makeup, then shifted completely.
- Son held a knife to a 12-year-old's throat in Florida, forcing her to leave the state; Tim notes she omitted this detail while complaining people didn't understand her potential.
- Tim expresses anger that she downplayed her son's crimes as a "playdate threesome" when the actual incidents involved him climbing through windows with knives to attack sleeping children.
- Tim theorizes she's dissociating or split her personality to reconcile her cheerful self-improvement narrative with her son's serious violent felonies.
- Tim declares this the craziest Uber ride he's ever had in his life.
- 1 min
Clearing Up the Fake Cigarette Sound
#Tim addresses listener confusion about a smoking sound in his videos, clarifying it's an unlit or fake cigarette he bites.
1moment
- Tim clarifies he doesn't smoke and has never smoked—all cigarettes in his videos are unlit or fake.
- 5 min
Everyone Has a Hidden Horror Behind Them
#Tim and Devin reflect on how surface-level interactions hide dark backstories, discussing whether the driver is disassociating from her son's crimes and comparing it to shows like Taxicab Confessions and Beautiful Anonymous.
10moments
- Tim observes that behind many people's everyday interactions is a hidden horror you couldn't imagine.
- An Uber driver excitedly discusses getting a two-bedroom apartment while her son is a serial pedophile rapist.
- She talks about feeling free in California like a college girl, seemingly disconnected from her son's crimes.
- Tim questions why a mother in this situation would be going to school for makeup instead of dealing with the reality.
- She's saving money for a trip to Florida with friends rather than spending it on her son's legal defense.
- Tim considers whether people cope with such horrors through psychology or are just dumb, probably both.
- She tells the story as if her son was railroaded, when articles describe him hanging outside a middle school.
- One of the victims testified he had a knife and cut her, but she downplays inconsistencies in the accounts.
- Tim explains what he would have said in her position: nothing but an acknowledgment, then silence.
- Tim expresses relief he was hearing this Uber story instead of pitching TV pilots to comedy executives over brisket.
Shawn Colvin
- 5 min
What Kind of Help Does the Son Actually Need
#Tim and Devin speculate on whether the driver's son can ever be rehabilitated, joking about needing a Hannibal Lecter-level criminal psychologist, and wonder about the driver's own culpability as a parent.
10moments
- Taxicab Confessions worked because passengers knew they'd never see the driver again, creating vulnerability.
- Tim notes that riding in an Uber is like free therapy—people unload on strangers they'll never meet again.
- A story takes a turn: the Uber driver thought the passenger's son was a rapist, but pulled up information showing he's a child predator—worse than suspected.
- The first 25 minutes of conversation was about a woman escaping small-town life, moving to Vegas, building a life with someone she loves.
- Tim questions whether the mother's main focus should have been getting her son to a place where he couldn't hurt people anymore.
- The mother doesn't explicitly believe her son is a rapist, but might secretly believe it.
- Tim thinks something happened to the kid—the help he needs is beyond what most people can offer.
- This situation requires someone like Agent Starling from Silence of the Lambs—a criminal psychologist truly educated in the field.
- The son isn't going to be solved in his lifetime and probably can't be reformed if he's that deeply twisted.
- The mother mentions knowing a teacher who had similar problems but now has a normal life, suggesting reform is possible in some cases.
Chris GethardBeautiful AnonymousFloridaHannibal LecterTaxicab ConfessionsLas Vegas
- 3 min
Tim recounts giving the Uber driver a podcast sticker and inviting her to listen, then pivots into tour dates, subscription plug, and announcing the show is going twice a week.
8moments
- Tim gives an Uber driver a 'Tim Dillon Is Going to Hell' sticker before getting out of the car.
- He pitches his podcast to the driver as something to listen to when bored during her long shifts.
- Tim directs listeners to subscribe and leave positive ratings on iTunes, and plugs the six-dollar monthly archive access.
- Tour dates announced: Laughs Boston end of month, Dead Crow Comedy Club in Wilmington May 3rd and 4th, and multiple other venues through June.
- The podcast is expanding to twice-a-week episodes starting now, with Tim promising more stories and content.
- Social media handles given for Tim and guest Devin Costa, including Instagram and Twitter accounts.
- Devin plugs his own podcast 'Hate the 11' and directs people to watch his YouTube videos before potential deletions.
- YouTube has been muting and deleting parts of Devin's videos, creating uncertainty about future content availability.
- 1 min
Tim promotes Devin Costa's podcast and YouTube channel, and talks about plans to expand video content and build a platform independent of networks.
3moments
- Devin handles all the video content posted to Tim's Instagram, with significantly more in the pipeline.
- The plan is to create a platform delivering funny content directly to audiences, bypassing traditional networks if necessary.
- Tim cites Andrew Schultz as an example of someone who successfully distributes his material without network support.