Episode 43 · The GaS Digital / Ray Kump Era
Built To Win
May 2, 2017 · 1:05:17 · 19 segments, 138 moments indexed
- 2 min
Basketball Shorts, Liposuction, and Instagram Teachers
#Tim opens riffing on needing new basketball shorts, jokes about getting liposuction to suck donuts out of his face, and gets ribbed about his weight and running days.
5moments
- 0:45Tim needs new basketball shorts and mentions wearing them around his house.
- 1:03He wants to lose 10 to 15 pounds to get motivated.
- 1:35He claims he knows how to lose weight and has done it before.
- 1:52His guest suggests Tim didn't look great when they met, blaming Taco Bell visits.
- 2:04Public school teachers putting kids on Instagram and the problem with that trend.
- 1 min
Teachers Posting Kids on Instagram
#Tim rants that public school teachers should stop putting kids' faces on Instagram for cheap emotional content, arguing the job is just boring and they're overselling small milestones like a kid learning to read.
4moments
- 2:09Teachers post their students' faces on Instagram and make emotional videos about reading progress, which Tim says is just boring work.
- 2:23Tim argues teachers should stop pretending their job isn't boring and quit making Instagram content out of it.
- 2:41He dismisses the significance of individual student achievements like learning to speak.
- 2:56Tim announces he'll be at the Riverwalk in San Antonio tomorrow at 2 p.m. eating burritos alone.
- 4 min
Getting a Rich Kid to Quit Comedy in Long Island
#Tim tells the story of driving a wealthy young comic around his old Long Island neighborhoods, watching him bomb a guest set, and successfully talking him out of pursuing stand-up, framing it as an act of mercy akin to AA sponsorship.
10moments
- 3:08Tim got a rich kid who does comedy to quit performing.
- 3:31He's proud of being responsible for many people quitting comedy, comparing it to sponsoring someone in AA.
- 3:48Tim walks up to comedians at shows and asks why they're still doing it, then leaves.
- 4:06The other person points out Tim told them to kill themselves, not quit comedy.
- 4:38Every rich person claims everyone around them was materialistic, but they weren't.
- 5:12Tim took the kid to Island Park where he grew up, a nice town with half-million-dollar houses.
- 5:35The kid said if he'd grown up in a place like that, he would have killed himself.
- 5:55Rich kids' money is what distinguishes and differentiates them from other people, and in comedy it doesn't matter.
- 6:21Some struggling comedians Tim knows turned out to have a lot of money the whole time.
- 6:40The kid was struggling with whether he wanted to put in the effort required for comedy.
- 2 min
Comparing Mansions and the Kid's Doomed Guest Spot
#Tim compares his grandfather's Mutton Town house to the rich kid's nearly five-million-dollar home in Old Westbury, then recounts getting the kid a disastrous guest spot at a 7pm show and watching him bomb before quitting for good.
6moments
- 7:13A kid's house in Old Westbury worth just under five million, compared to Tim's childhood home now valued at three million.
- 7:27Tim offered the kid a guest spot at his 7 p.m. show, thinking it would help him.
- 7:54The show's promoter booked the kid to follow Tim's twenty-minute set, a terrible lineup decision.
- 8:20Watching the kid bomb, Tim recognized the look of someone doing comedy for the last time.
- 8:48The kid asked Tim afterward if he should quit, clearly wanting permission to stop, but Tim refused to make it easy for him.
- 9:09The kid texted the next day saying stand-up wasn't for him, effectively ending his comedy career.
- 3 min
The Laughing Buddha Bringer Show Scam
#Tim tears into the "Laughing Buddha" open mic/bringer show scam, describing how it extracts money and false promises (like a promised comedy tape) from eager amateur comics who bring their own audiences.
10moments
- 9:22Tim describes everyone he meets at Vice claiming to do open mics and calling themselves Laughing Buddha, which annoys him.
- 9:39A Vice editor who makes more money than him is now a panhandler across the street, yet people still ask her advice more than they ask Tim.
- 10:08Tim explains the Laughing Buddha scam: people pay to perform at shows and bring six to twenty people to see them at 4 p.m. on a Tuesday.
- 10:44Tim closed out one of their shows and admits it's a great scam, though he doesn't hate on it because it serves a purpose and keeps certain people out of the legitimate world.
- 11:11Tim says if he were running a bringer showcase and kept hiring people at SNL, he could single-handedly ruin their account.
- 11:38After closing out a Laughing Buddha show, they told Tim he'd get a six-minute tape but later charged him twenty dollars at the door and thirty after the fact.
- 12:03Tim explains the real problem isn't bringers themselves—it's when they start promising agents and road work to people in year seven of comedy.
- 12:20Tim worked on a double-decker tour bus for ten hours a day and then did comedy at night, rejecting the idea that he owes anyone road work.
- 12:31Tim expresses pride in a kid's choice and warns rich people doing comedy to be careful about disgracing the class he loves.
- 12:42Tim tells someone not to go back to Miami in disgrace and warns against degrading the comedy community he cares about.
Laughing BuddhaVice
- 4 min
Long Island Story Submissions: Decapitation Limo and Katie Beers
#Tim reads listener-submitted Long Island stories in response to a call-out he and Ray put on social media, including a gruesome limo wedding accident on the Meadowbrook Parkway and the Katie Beers kidnapping case.
5moments
- 14:14Tim receives Long Island story submissions from listeners, some from people who've never heard the show.
- 14:40Most submissions aren't actual stories—people send anecdotes, food reviews, or just ask questions like 'Have you had Lombardis?'
- 15:50The ideal submission would be: someone remembering the limo that went the wrong way on the Meadowbrook Parkway and decapitated a girl.
- 16:04Tim describes a separate late-70s or mid-80s incident where a wedding photographer's car followed a limo that got t-boned at a catering hall, killing the groom and half the bridal party.
- 16:34That limo accident was the event that radicalized Kathleen Rice and catalyzed changes to Nassau County traffic laws.
Long IslandKathleen RiceRay KumpLombardisBobby LopezMeadowbrook ParkwayMontaukNassau County
- 3 min
Judging Bad Stories and a Flooded Wedding Divorce Tale
#He mocks weak listener submissions (the Hofstra mushroom dealer, the Lombardi's food comment) for not being real stories, then praises a detailed submission about a Long Island flood ruining a wedding day and leading to divorce two months later.
6moments
- 17:00Tim dismisses the mushroom dealer story — just a nickname, no actual narrative.
- 17:26He appeared in a Fun Zone commercial on Long Island that ran everywhere.
- 17:39Katie Beers kidnapping: abducted, held in a basement tunnel, found alive weeks later.
- 18:03Tim on Michael Moore's Trump play claiming it can topple a sitting president — just chasing money like everyone else.
- 18:24MAGA hats are weird; it's strange that a president has an official clothing line.
- 18:53A caller married the mother of his kid on January 3rd, the day of a massive Long Island flood.
- 3 min
Vermont Comedy Club Shoutout and More Story Contest Entries
#Tim plugs the Vermont Comedy Club as one of the best in the country, reads a few more submitted stories including wedding garter/parking lot fight tales and a dark one about a friend's fatal heroin overdose, and jokes about wanting to enter his own contest.
7moments
- 19:42Couple spent all wedding gift money on a replacement car instead of a honeymoon after their engine froze and totaled the vehicle, then divorced within two months.
- 20:07Tim plugs the Vermont Comedy Club as one of the best in the country and offers to headline for free anytime.
- 20:29Tim took an 11-hour Greyhound bus to Vermont and didn't mind it because the club is located right in town.
- 20:44Another wedding story: a storm ruined the event and the couple divorced two months later.
- 21:03At Tim's first wedding, the garter toss landed on a ceiling fan instead of a guest, and a fight broke out in the parking lot.
- 21:38Contest entry: a friend had a mental break and ended up at Nassau Medical Center, then died from a heroin overdose after breaking out of his room.
- 21:56Tim says he has good stories for the contest and could have won if one hadn't already been on the show.
Vermont Comedy ClubNassau Medical CenterLong Island
- 4 min
Judge Ambitions, Nigel Farage, and Applebee's Half-Price Apps
#Riffing off a fan comment about wanting to be a federal judge, Tim spins into fantasies of being a judge or British barrister, admiration for Nigel Farage and Brexit, refugees and Applebee's, and complaints about half-price appetizer rules.
10moments
- 22:21Tim pitches a carnival ride concept where he reads legal judgments for people instead of telling their fortune.
- 22:52Higher Ray would be the paralegal on a shirt design Tim wants to sell in the gift shop.
- 23:19Tim decides the American system of law isn't good enough and wants to be a British barrister instead.
- 23:39Nigel Farage appears on every Fox News show, rotating between Dobbs and O'Reilly.
- 24:08Farage spearheaded Brexit, and as a result beer is now a dollar cheaper thanks to the pound's weakness.
- 24:52Tim argues the solution to refugee problems is to stop bombing countries that create them in the first place.
- 25:07Tim worries about North Korean kids taking up space at Applebee's during half-price appetizers.
- 25:27Tim can't enjoy half-price apps at Applebee's with his lawyer discussing a case because a witness claims to have seen him in a can return.
- 25:44Good Friday's doesn't offer half-price appetizers, but Applebee's does at 10 p.m.
- 25:55Tim confirms Applebee's full half-price appetizer deal runs until 10 p.m.
Nigel FarageBrexitUK Independence PartyApplebee'sFox
- 5 min
Setting Up the Nassau County State of Mind Parody Video
#Tim introduces and hypes the "Nassau County State of Mind" Jay-Z parody video, praising its accurate satire of rich Long Island kids, before playing it.
10moments
- 26:28Tim recalls the Nassau County State of Mind parody video, a Jay-Z song takeoff about the wealthy part of Nassau County.
- 26:53The parody's hilarious lines include kids rapping about snorting Xanax recreationally.
- 27:31Tim explains why he became gay: Irish women aren't feminine, so he had to look at men instead.
- 28:04Suffolk County makes their own State of Mind parody, and Tim says it's the saddest thing he's ever seen.
- 28:39The Suffolk video is literally a commercial for Suffolk, with lines like "you're five minutes from the gym or the movie."
- 28:54Nassau kids film in front of big houses while Suffolk kids are in fields, showing the wealth difference.
- 29:07The female singer in the Suffolk video has an okay voice but is badly sunburned, highlighting how rarely fat people like her go outside.
- 29:35Tim finds the Suffolk video weirdly anti-Semitic, particularly a line about something never being kosher.
- 30:03Tim plans to play the Nassau County video first, suggesting listeners should subscribe to see the parodies.
- 30:14Tim thinks the Nassau County version is pretty funny and wants to check the audio quality before playing it.
- 5 min
Watching and Reacting to Nassau County State of Mind
#Tim and Ray play the full Nassau County State of Mind parody song, with Tim laughing along, quoting lyrics about Ponzi schemes, private school culture, and pointing out the video's creator worked at Elite Daily.
10moments
- 31:31Tim reacts to the lyric 'Good grades cause these teachers get paid off' with enthusiasm.
- 32:28Tim notes the song emphasizes Nassau's best cream cheese.
- 33:38The Nassau County parody is clever and the creator previously worked at Elite Daily.
- 34:03Tim has watched the Suffolk version 20 times and keeps finding new things to laugh at.
- 34:18The guy doing the Suffolk parody looks like people Tim knew in rehab in Suffolk County.
- 34:35West Hampton is the pretender Hampton, not an actual nice part of the Hamptons.
- 34:47Tim worked in West Hampton and knew one of the kids in the Suffolk video, whom he says is actually a good kid.
- 35:29The Nassau version focused on multi-million-dollar lifestyles that weren't Tim's actual life, but he knew kids like that.
- 35:40Nassau parody at least focused on a real part of Nassau culture, whereas the Suffolk version is completely different.
- 35:52Tim prepares to watch the Suffolk State of Mind parody.
- 4 min
Suffolk State of Mind: The Sadder, Poorer Parody
#Tim contrasts the low-rent, bleak Suffolk County parody video (filmed in fields near strip malls) with the Nassau version, riffing on sunburned singers, OD jokes, and general Suffolk poverty before playing it.
10moments
- 36:00Tim recalls buying his Suzuki on Route 112 in Suffolk.
- 36:24High school routine: party every weekend, tanning, eating at Lombardis, hanging out at Fire Island Beach.
- 36:42Morning bagels and the Long Island commute described as boring and traffic-filled.
- 37:23Tim questions why everybody likes sushi in the parody.
- 38:02Tanger Outlets referenced as where hot girls get their outfits on Long Island.
- 39:12Getting drunk after eating at the Bread Room, the sickest drunk ever.
- 39:25Story about a girl with big tits they talked about anal with all the time.
- 39:38Working at the morgue touching bodies and talking to hotties.
- 39:49Tim sums up the Suffolk County parody as real low-rent and bringing down the vibe.
- 40:12Tim questions what momos are after the song finishes.
Fire Island BeachLombardisLong IslandShrapnel bagelsRoute 112Suffolk CountyPorscheNassau+2 more
- 2 min
Watching Suffolk State of Mind
#Playback and live reaction to the Suffolk County parody song, with Tim and Ray mocking its cheap production and grim lyrics about morgues, drugs, and traffic.
5moments
- 40:19Tim describes shopping at a meat farm shopping center in Suffolk multiple times a week
- 40:41NASA kids in the song are portrayed as sheltered, never doing coke with their mothers
- 41:27Tim worked in the mortgage industry after the 2008 crisis legitimized, doing FHA loans at the tail end of the crazy period
- 41:59A former coworker from the mortgage business ended up in jail after various scams and institutional schemes
- 42:29That same coworker got fired for threatening to kill the office manager over text, prompting Tim's deadpan response
- 7 min
Howie the Mortgage Scammer and Forex Russian Mafia Ties
#Tim tells an extended story about Howie, a wild ex-coworker from his Long Island mortgage days who threatened to kill his office manager, dabbled in shady online directories, did tons of bad coke, and had worked for a currency trading firm allegedly tied to Russian mafia money.
11moments
- 42:54Mike was the legit older guy trying to keep order; Howie and Mike got into beef over a deal or payout that escalated quickly.
- 43:05Howie would walk around the office threatening people, bragging about his connections to rich gangsters and slimy people.
- 43:27Tim explains why people kept Howie around despite his instability—he's the type with no limits, willing to do anything.
- 44:14Everything Howie did was a scam, but it was always the right scam or the wrong scam depending on the angle.
- 44:49On the night he got fired, Howie was coked out of his face in his apartment talking about moving to Santo Domingo to live in a palace.
- 45:36Tim describes sitting in Howie's apartment sniffing bad coke that Howie kept cutting and trying to flip for profit.
- 46:08Howie worked at a currency trading firm on Wall Street that was actually a front for Russian Mafia private bank accounts.
- 46:53After leaving that world, Howie ended up in Long Island mortgages like many others from that scene, and some of those guys now sell solar panels.
- 47:24Tim says Howie was a guy where legitimately nothing would surprise him—not many people are that far off the ideological grid.
- 49:34Howie's sales tactic was to talk extremely fast and throw in as many words and financial terms as possible to confuse people on the phone.
- 49:51Howie would claim he was on Wall Street looking out over the stock exchange while calling people in North Carolina about refinancing modular homes.
HowieRussian MafiaKim Jong UnMikeFranklin FirstLong IslandWall StreetSanta Domingo+3 more
- 2 min
Howie's Sales Cons and the Modular Home Hustle
#More Howie stories: his rapid-fire fake Wall Street sales pitches, refinancing modular homes as if they were legitimate real estate, and his eventual pivot (like many mortgage guys) into selling solar panels.
5moments
- 50:14Tim distinguishes between a double wide and a modular home with a permanent foundation as a sales pitch.
- 50:48He explains how talking fast and babbling worked as his own sales technique without actually being a technique.
- 51:09Mortgage guys Tim knew ended up in the solar panel scam business.
- 51:24Tim describes how solar panel salesmen pitch the government subsidy angle to sucker people into deals they can't afford.
- 51:53A Bravo show about Long Island called Secrets and Wives featured a husband selling solar panels out of Island Park.
solar panelsSecrets and Wives
- 4 min
The Solar Panel Sales Pitch Bit and Vatican Bank Conspiracy
#Tim does an extended improvised bit voicing a solar panel salesman hustling old Long Island ladies with government rebate promises and cheap Italy trip upsells, then riffs into a wild tangent theorizing about what's hidden in the Vatican Bank.
7moments
- 52:12Tim launches into a solar panel sales pitch, mimicking an aggressive salesman targeting homeowners with promises of cutting costs in half and environmental credits.
- 52:41He fantasizes about buying solar panels so he can afford a Perillo tour of Italy, then admits he vaguely remembers those tours being a scam.
- 53:25Tim mocks someone talking about fiscal responsibility while planning an impulse Rome trip, questioning whether a first flight should really go straight to the Vatican instead of somewhere like Wilmington, North Carolina.
- 53:51Demonstrating how a salesman would pivot mid-conversation to suddenly discuss the papal seat and Vatican bagels, confused about what's actually in the Vatican.
- 54:31Tim speculates about what's stored in the Vatican Bank, suggesting it contains Holocaust gold and melted-down teeth.
- 55:01He argues the Vatican stole vast amounts of treasure throughout history, from Constantinople and the Eastern Empire, comparing them to the Swiss.
- 55:50Vault access at the Vatican is completely restricted; nobody knows what's really down there, possibly including the original Mona Lisa and Jesus's skeleton.
Vatican BankVaticanRomeConstantinople
- 7 min
Globalist Long Islanders, Catholic School Snobbery, and Graduation Advice
#Tim jokes about who counts as a "globalist" on Long Island, compares Catholic high schools, then pivots into mock graduation advice (buy gold, befriend the rich) riffing on Gary Vaynerchuk and a wedding photographer's seminar about spending habits.
12moments
- 56:35Tim warns Long Island Trump supporters they might be globalists if they live in Merrick or Belmore and their dad works in investment banking.
- 56:55Attending a Catholic school that costs twenty thousand dollars a year may indicate globalist tendencies.
- 57:09Tim went to Holy Trinity, which cost eleven grand a year and wasn't good, but lacked the name recognition of schools like Kellenberg.
- 57:41Advice to impressionable kids: take risks in your 20s and try ambitious pursuits like comedy or starting a band.
- 58:09Tim claims he didn't do anything instructive in his 20s but is still doing great, with very few people doing better than him.
- 59:41His graduation advice to kids: buy gold, get in there, because gold always goes up.
- 59:57Practical alternative advice for graduates without money: get a second job.
- 1:00:49Tim learned from wedding photographer Gary Fong that it's remarkable when people claim they can't save money despite earning enough to cover all monthly expenses.
- 1:01:22Real advice for graduates: befriend the rich and find guarantors to build connections with wealthier people.
- 1:01:48If you're pursuing the arts, do it if you have realistic and pragmatic way to execute it, but don't use excuses like being marooned on Long Island.
- 1:02:17Talk to rich people and be friends with them if you want to be rich; play the role you need to play.
- 1:02:41Final advice to graduates: play your position in life.
Gary FongGary VanyachukSteve BannonLeonardo da Vinci
- 2 min
The Sicilian Crack House Secret to Life
#Closing story: 14-year-old Tim at a chaotic crack house on New Year's Eve receives life-changing advice from a tomato-eating Sicilian man — never associate with anyone beneath you or who can't do anything for you.
4moments
- 1:03:05Tim recounts smoking in a crack house at 14 on New Year's Eve with cocaine on the table and people eating pizza and garlic knots
- 1:03:39A Sicilian man bit into a tomato like an apple with salt, which Tim had never seen before
- 1:03:57Tim recalls receiving life advice from the Sicilian man while standing there whacked with his overweight friend Shay
- 1:04:33The crack house was raided by police months later and the Sicilian was arrested but got back out
- 1 min
Quick sign-off plugging TimDillonComedy.com for tour dates, mentioning the upcoming special "Skinny Pig," and the usual subscribe/rate/review request.
1moment
- 1:04:57Tim plugs the Skinny Pig tour and tells listeners to follow on Twitter and subscribe, then dismisses them with "Leave me alone. Goodbye."