Episode 328 · Post-Ben
The Christmas Episode | The Tim Dillon Show #328
Dec 25, 2022 · 1:03:39 · 444,000 views · 22 segments, 114 moments indexed
In this special holiday episode Tim talks about the massive winter weather front sweeping the nation. With Christmas being only a day away Tim also takes a look at some of the most popular new toys for this holiday season.
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- 2 min
Christmas Cold Open and the Winter Storm Advisory
#Tim opens with a mock-religious Christmas greeting, jokes about his mixed faith background and Christ as a white savior, then pivots into reading about the massive winter storm battering most of the US, describing flight delays, pileups, and deaths.
6moments
- Tim opens with a Christmas greeting and announces this is a holiday extravaganza episode.
- Tim claims he's Jewish and Muslim but is making an exception to celebrate Christmas today.
- Christ was born in Palestine and was the only white guy there, and taught people how to make money.
- A major winter storm is battering most of the country, causing flight delays and travel chaos.
- Tim describes listeners who may have crashed on the road, waiting for EMTs to use the jaws of life while the show still plays on the car radio.
- Winter storm updates report at least one dozen deaths, over a million power outages across the nation.
- 6 min
Buffalo's Historic Blizzard and Narcan for Christmas Dinner
#Tim riffs on how bleak and drug-addled Buffalo already is, cites record-breaking snowfall totals there, and imagines families needing Narcan on hand in case a relative overdoses at the dinner table.
6moments
- Tim advises skipping family visits if weather conditions are biblical rather than risk dying in a pileup.
- Buffalo is a bleak, depressed post-industrial city where factories left and residents are now destitute and on drugs.
- Tim's friend in Buffalo experienced two home invasions and said he'd leave if a third occurred.
- Buffalo is being hit with 22 inches of snow on Friday, almost doubling the 1976 record, with four to six feet expected by Sunday.
- Tim suggests it's almost as if God is trying to kill Buffalo once and for all with the historic blizzard.
- Highways around Buffalo have been shut down because conditions are too treacherous to travel.
- 3 min
Brain-Eating Amoebas in Freshwater Lakes
#He describes the brain-eating amoeba (Naegleria fowleri) found in warm freshwater lakes and Texas splash parks, walking through the gruesome timeline from headache to death, and concludes rich people should just buy beachfront property to swim in salt water instead.
8moments
- Tim recounts a cousin's heroin addiction and the unpredictability of what might happen when she disappeared into the bathroom.
- Buffalo is a horrible place with no good areas, and Tim has fans there who agree.
- Brain-eating amoebas are now present in all the lakes, killing children in freshwater across Texas, Arizona, and Nevada.
- The amoeba swims up your nose while you're in a lake or pond, causing headaches and stiff neck before progressing to complete paralysis and death within days.
- Texas authorities warned people the brain-eating amoeba was in the water supply and told them to figure it out themselves because they don't care.
- A child died at a splash park in Texas after the amoeba entered his nose and his brain swelled and exploded.
- The scientific name for the brain-eating amoeba is naegleria fowleri, and it thrives in warm freshwater lakes, rivers, and hot springs.
- Nature is a problem and people should be careful, though Tim admits the real solution is buying a house on the beach for sixty or eighty million dollars to swim in salt water instead.
- 1 min
Standard sponsor read for Athletic Greens, touting vitamins, gut health, and the free one-year vitamin D supply offer.
3moments
- Tim pitches Athletic Greens as a replacement for relying on coffee and sugar, describing its blend of 75 vitamins, minerals, probiotics, and adaptogens.
- He mentions that friends like Rogan use it and are really into their health, positioning it as a lifestyle choice.
- Tim says you should take Athletic Greens twice a day, emphasizing consistency.
- 1 min
Godson's Chinese Christmas and Taiwan Reunification
#Tim jokes about buying a gift for his godson and celebrating a 'traditional Chinese Christmas' by strategizing about China-Taiwan reunification, noting he has no real kids or nieces/nephews to shop for.
3moments
- Tim's getting his godson a gift and planning a traditional Chinese Christmas focused on strategizing Taiwan's reunification with China.
- Tim doesn't buy for real children since none of his cousins have kids, and he's out of touch with what toys are popular right now.
- Tim asks what the hottest toys are this year, referencing how Tickled Me Elmo used to be the must-have gift.
- 4 min
This Year's Hottest Toys: Crystal Balls, Prediction Putty, and Pop Sockets
#Working through a toy-trend-expert list, Tim mocks the Magic Mixies crystal ball as furry/occult-coded, the Crazy Aaron's prediction putty as basically telling kids to kill their parents, and Pop Sockets fidget toys as designed to addict children to swishing sounds.
6moments
- Magic Mixes magical misting crystal ball is marketed as a toy that reveals furry pets, which Tim suggests appeals to a specific subset of society.
- Tim connects the crystal ball toy to QAnon theories, noting that witches' cauldrons from last year's line followed by furry pets feeds into satanist conspiracy narratives.
- Crazy Aaron's Amazing Prediction Thinking Putty works like a Magic 8-Ball but through slime, with Tim joking the answer is always to kill your parents.
- Growing up today is presented as a horror, with Tim arguing these toys are designed to keep children in pods rather than experiencing actual life.
- Pop Punks are magnetic fidget toys marketed as a magnetic skate park for thumbs, offering satisfying clicking and swishing sounds that Tim sees as addiction mechanics.
- Every toy on this list is designed to make children crazier and more dependent on stimulation, according to Tim's assessment.
- 2 min
Bluey Playhouse and the Royal Family Non-Controversy
#He continues the toy list with the Bluey Ultimate Lights and Sounds Playhouse, admitting he's unfamiliar with the show, and jokes about the dogs not being controversial as long as they don't insult Meghan Markle or the royal family.
3moments
- Tim jokes about kids getting addicted to toys that make swishing sounds instead of learning real skills.
- He warns that modern toys won't teach kids basic competencies.
- Tim admits he has no idea what Bluey is or why it's become a phenomenon.
BlueyChris Byrne
- 3 min
Bratz Dolls Teaching Girls to Be Promiscuous and Candy-Branded Dolls
#Tim jokes that the new Bratz x Cult Gaia doll comes with condoms and an IUD to teach girls to be promiscuous, then covers LOL candy-branded dolls partnered with Hershey as targeting fat kids.
3moments
- Bratz X Colt Gaia collaboration doll comes with accessories like a bucket hat, shoulder bag, and—Tim claims—an IUD and condoms.
- The new Bratz dolls look promiscuous, and everyone now dresses like drag queens with big, cartoonish fashion rather than drag queens having a distinct look.
- LOL surprise partnered with Hershey to release candy-branded dolls—Reese's, Peeps, and Bazooka gum themed—as a way to sell toys and snacks together to children.
- 3 min
CoComelon Brainwashing and Encanto Karaoke
#He describes CoComelon hypnotizing toddlers including his godson, jokes about corporate brainwashing lyrics, then covers the Encanto karaoke machine and riffs on today's kids being the dumbest generation ever due to TikTok-style behavior.
8moments
- Tim describes how toddlers under three are obsessed with CoComelon and resist parental attempts to wean them off it.
- CoComelon's hypnotic appeal: characters with huge eyes singing classic songs while kids bounce around in a trance.
- Tim argues corporations use CoComelon to brainwash children with messaging about being lucky to work and not complaining.
- JJ is the star character of CoComelon, and the dolls sell out on Amazon for $28.
- Disney's Encanto karaoke machine is popular with children obsessed with the Spanish-themed movie.
- Tim defends Encanto as lovely and argues kids should learn languages.
- Tim claims modern children are the stupidest group that ever existed, citing TikTok behavior that would have warranted institutionalization in previous generations.
- Tim contends that the way contemporary kids dance and move spontaneously would have resulted in electric shock therapy decades ago.
Coco MelonEncantoDonald Trump
- 2 min
Snap Circuits, Renewable Energy Bias, and Tesla's Decline
#Tim mocks a renewable-energy STEM toy for kids, demands equal time for oil and JFK conspiracy theories, then pivots to mocking Tesla owners as insufferable and noting Tesla's stock collapse and looming layoffs amid Elon's Twitter behavior.
4moments
- Tim argues that renewable energy education should include both sides, mentioning Texas oil, the CIA, Saudis, and the Bush family.
- Tesla owners are the most annoying people in the world, thinking they're part of SpaceX and getting a ticket to Mars for buying a $35,000 car.
- Tesla's stock is tanking while Elon has a mental breakdown on Twitter, banning people he doesn't like.
- Tesla shares are down more than 60 percent this year, with the company freezing hiring and expecting layoffs early next year.
- 2 min
Sponsor read for Rex MD, framed around a story about masturbating while driving thanks to the pills, and a riff about young men on SSRIs struggling to get hard or finish.
3moments
- Tim recalls needing Rex MD while driving through Maryland wanting to masturbate on a long drive.
- He's observed that guys in their 20s on SSRIs for anxiety have difficulty getting hard and reaching orgasm.
- Tim pitches Rex MD's deal: up to 90 percent off, paying only two dollars per dosage.
Rex MD
- 2 min
Cathie Wood's Bitcoin-to-a-Million Prediction
#Tim mocks Cathie Wood as an Evangelical Christian NFT freak predicting Bitcoin will hit a million dollars by 2030, contrasting the wild predictions of crypto's boom years with its current collapse.
7moments
- Cathie Wood, an evangelical Christian NFT freak, is predicting Bitcoin will reach a million dollars by 2030.
- Tim calls Wood the head of ARK Investment who lost money on genome projects designed to let people create perfect children—exactly what Jesus would want.
- The most terrifying combination of person is a fundamentalist Christian NFT evangelist.
- Tim criticizes how anyone can now make wild predictions without any logical backing whatsoever.
- Wood claims Bitcoin will come out smelling like a rose and that institutions will eventually move into it as a starting point.
- Crypto has had a rough year and doesn't seem like it's coming back anytime soon, though that doesn't mean it's over forever.
- People used to accept crazy crypto claims a couple years ago when everyone was doing cocaine in Miami, but now that everyone has lost all their money, that's changed.
Kathy WoodArc InvestmentBitcoin
- 1 min
Crypto's Collapse and Sam Bankman-Fried Going to Jail
#Short continuation noting crypto exchanges look unsafe, values have crashed, and Sam Bankman-Fried is headed to prison for a long time.
2moments
- Sam Bankman-Fried is going to jail for a long time and crypto exchanges don't look safe.
- Tim wants to discuss crypto's collapse in detail, having already covered it on Patreon.
- 9 min
Avatar Boycotts and the Meghan Markle Wedding Bombing Fantasy
#Tim discusses Native American and trans activist boycotts of Avatar over cultural appropriation and lack of trans representation among the Na'vi, then launches into an extended riff that real institutional change only comes through violence, imagining Meghan Markle detonating a bomb at her own royal wedding as the only 'legitimate' protest.
10moments
- Tim on why Native Americans are angry about Avatar and the colonial dynamic that created the poverty on reservations.
- Native reservations need an Andrew Tate figure to energize people, as America itself runs on narcissistic psychopaths offering false hope.
- Lakota activist says Avatar appropriates native culture to satisfy white savior complex and calls it 'no more blue face.'
- Trans activists are also boycotting Avatar, arguing future humans should be trans and the film promotes heterosexual assumptions.
- Tim questions whether the trans Avatar criticism is real or a troll, given arguments about Jake needing to be gay on an alien planet.
- Meghan Markle could only actually modernize the monarchy by blowing herself up at her wedding, not through interviews or Christmas gift boycotts.
- If Native Americans were serious about change, they would dress up as Avatars and kill people, the only method that works against entrenched power.
- The British Monarchy was built on centuries of unspeakable violence, so you can't reform it with snide comments or boycotts.
- Tim would genuinely respect Meghan Markle if she had detonated a bomb at her wedding and killed the entire royal family.
- If Native people actually painted themselves blue and murdered people at an Avatar premiere, that would signal they're serious about their grievances.
Meghan MarkleAvatarNative AmericansAndrew TateJames Cameron
- 2 min
Sponsor read for Bespoke Post's Box of Awesome subscription boxes, explaining the quiz system and monthly curated gift boxes, with a discount code.
3moments
- Tim explains the appeal of Bespoke Post's Box of Awesome: a monthly surprise box tailored to your interests, whether outdoorsy gear, fishing knives, or mixology supplies.
- Each box is valued at around $70 but costs a fraction of that, and 90 percent of the contents come from small businesses.
- Tim's friend who moved to another city loved the service because every box contained new stuff aligned with his actual interests.
- 7 min
Gender Neutral Pronouns: Just Pick 'They/Them'
#Riffing on the banned book Gender Queer and its author's invented pronouns (e/em/eir), Tim proposes a 'deal' where non-binary people all just use 'they/them' for simplicity, mocking the proliferation of neopronouns like ze, zer, and em as unworkable.
10moments
- Tim opposes book banning but acknowledges concerns about age-appropriate content in schools.
- Growing up on Long Island, Tim never saw gender as a rigid binary—women could be masculine, men could be sensitive.
- Tim proposes a deal: people can opt out of gender entirely into one category using they/them pronouns.
- The author of Genderqueer uses eme and air pronouns instead of they/them.
- If people use different neopronouns like em, air, and ze, casual conversation becomes a Abbott and Costello routine.
- Tim's pitch: just make non-binary one thing so everyone can use they/them and communication stays simple.
- Examples of how neopronouns would sound in actual sentences—ze went to the store, this sandwich is heirs.
- Tim tells young people seeking constant validation that they're setting themselves up for a miserable life.
- Nobody advocating for all these pronouns actually has fun—everyone's exhausted from constantly policing what others say and do.
- Tell your kids at Christmas that they can just be they/them instead of demanding to be special with neopronouns.
gender pronounsGenderqueerLong IslandNew York
- 7 min
Year in Review: Inflation, Ukraine, Roe v. Wade, and Kanye's Nazi Turn
#A sprawling year-end recap covering grocery inflation, US aid to Ukraine and Zelensky, Trump's Mar-a-Lago document raid, Lauren Boebert and MTG's re-elections, the Roe v. Wade overturn and his own loosely pro-choice stance, lingering COVID/vaccine side effects, and Kanye West's public turn toward praising Hitler.
10moments
- People paid more for groceries this year than ever before, including frozen chicken nuggets and high fructose corn syrup from factories with poor labor conditions.
- Americans learned this year that Ukraine's freedom was essential, requiring $179 trillion in aid.
- The ex-game-show-host president had his golf club raided and stolen documents taken.
- Tim outlines the year's major events: midterm elections, inflation, Ukraine war, and Roe v. Wade being overturned by the Supreme Court.
- Democrats failed to force Ruth Bader Ginsburg to retire, letting her die on the bench instead, leading to Roe's reversal and women in Texas and other states unable to get abortions.
- Tim's position: pro-choice, but only up to the point where he personally feels comfortable with it, after which women should have to carry to term.
- COVID refused to die—people on booster five are sicker than ever, calling out of work, having strokes, missing periods for years, some dropping dead from vaccine side effects.
- Kanye West, one of the world's biggest stars, publicly became a Nazi and started saying he loves Hitler on camera.
- More public high-profile mental breakdowns are coming next year as society's collective mental collapse accelerates.
- People aren't just exhausted—they're genuinely schizophrenic, believing underground people are coming to kill them; the rise in true schizophrenia over three to four years is alarming.
Kanye WestElon MuskLauren BoebertMarjorie Taylor GreeneRoe v. WadeRuth Bader GinsburgUkraineAlexandria Ocasio-Cortez+2 more
- 2 min
A Collective Societal Mental Breakdown
#Tim argues America is undergoing a mass mental health collapse fueled by nonstop bad news and technology, drawing on his mother's schizophrenia to describe how normal it's become to encounter genuinely psychotic relatives, predicting more public breakdowns from celebrities next year.
5moments
- Kanye West and famous people like him dominate press coverage and make people mad, but meanwhile you've lost uncles and aunts to QAnon or extreme politics without realizing it until you sit down with them.
- Both sides have lost their minds — one side talking about boosters and pronouns, the other convinced Nancy Pelosi runs an underground sex cult with chickens.
- The boomers' brains have been melted by the last few years; there's no reasoning with them anymore.
- You have to be a strong person to keep your brain from melting when you look at where society is right now.
- If you're too sensitive and let too much information and too many opinions in, you'll be destroyed.
- 2 min
Tim runs down upcoming tour stops including Irvine, Coachella, Reno, Oxnard, Raleigh, Tucson, Phoenix, Vancouver, and New Jersey/New York dates, and announces his upcoming book tentatively titled 'The Boomer Guide to Parenting.'
5moments
- Tour dates: Irvine California December 29th-31st and January 14th at Coachella Spotlight 29.
- January 21st in Reno Nevada at Silver Legacy Casino, then Oxnard January 27th-29th.
- February 9th-11th in Raleigh for a Valentine's Day special, followed by Tucson and Phoenix in mid-February.
- Vancouver Canada February 24th, then East Coast swing: Inglewood New Jersey April 13th through Long Island April 16th.
- Tim mentions working on cool projects he can't discuss yet, plus a book finishing up in edits.
- 1 min
He advises listeners to deflect crazy relatives' conspiracy talk at holiday gatherings by disengaging politely, then thanks Patreon supporters and sponsors.
3moments
- Tim describes the strategy for surviving family gatherings: when someone tries to engage you in conversation, deflect and move to the next person.
- He mentions a website where you can self-diagnose yourself with diseases and suggests relatives might want to try it too.
- Tim thanks Patreon supporters at the five-dollar Rothschild tier and mentions a Rothschild episode coming out next week.
- 2 min
The Dark Santa Claus Story for the Kids
#Tim tells a mock children's story about Santa Claus that turns into a bleak monologue about a life ruined by cancer, addiction, a dead-end restaurant job, and a doomed relationship, ending with the moral 'be good.'
6moments
- Tim announces he's telling a children's story about Santa Claus despite the show normally being for adults.
- Santa Claus is introduced as a jolly fat man with a workshop of elves who makes toys for good children.
- But if you're bad, Santa will give your mother cancer and set off a chain of family collapse and personal ruin.
- The consequences unfold: community college dropout, failed sales job, pill addiction, moving in with a woman named Donna with a broken AC unit.
- The dark arc concludes with the character vaping with Donna, contemplating that his life should be better, and deciding against having children due to the hell he's created.
- Moral of the story: be good, because you don't want to be bad.
- 1 min
Tim says goodnight and closes out the episode.