Episode 379 · The Studio Revamp
Price Of Poison | The Tim Dillon Show #379
Jan 27, 2024 · 1:06:22 · 427,000 views · 16 segments, 99 moments indexed
Tim talks about chatty private pilots, immigration, boomers bombing the market, hacked brain chips, how expensive Taco Bell is and obese Asians.
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- 1 min
Cold Open: Flying Private and Coming from San Antonio
#Tim opens by mentioning last night's San Antonio show, flying back to California, and immediately jetting to Dallas via Titan Aviation.
2moments
- Tim returns from San Antonio show and immediately has to fly to Dallas for the podcast
- Tim admits he's been flying private and developing a problem with it
- 5 min
Pilots Are the Truck Drivers of the Sky
#Tim riffs on how private pilots won't stop talking to passengers, recounts a pilot inviting his friends into the cockpit, and imagines a horrifying death caused by his own fat hitting a hydraulics button.
9moments
- Tim has been flying private with his jet broker Dirk and learning lessons about not engaging pilots in conversation.
- Pilots are the truck drivers of the sky—no one cares what they say until there's turbulence or an actual problem.
- One pilot got out of the seat for half an hour asking Tim what it's like to be a comedian while the other could have had a stroke in the cockpit.
- The pilot assumed Tim liked aviation because he asked a few questions, then offered to let him go up front.
- Tim's friends wanted to go up front and take photos; one of them sat in the co-pilot seat while pilots encouraged it.
- Tim refuses to sit in the cockpit seat because his fat could hit a button and kill everyone at 38,000 feet.
- Tim imagines the humiliation of dying in a death spiral because someone's gut shut off the hydraulics.
- Tim's new strategy: don't speak to pilots at all, maybe learn some Norwegian to avoid conversation.
- Passengers going up front to the cockpit can't actually be allowed, but the pilots keep offering it anyway.
pilotsrich people
- 1 min
The Jet-Set FBO Crowd and a Trump Mom Headed to Jackson Hole
#He praises the private airport experience and describes meeting a friendly older Trump-supporting woman taking a jet to a hockey tournament in Jackson Hole.
4moments
- Tim loves the FBO—the private airport—and the jet-set crowd that flies to Jackson Hole.
- Met an older Trump mom taking a jet to Jackson Hole for a hockey tournament, just a lovely woman doing it casually.
- Everyone talks about the border constantly now, but Tim's first instinct is simply: don't go.
- Tim admits he doesn't even know where the border is; the closest he's gotten was visiting Doug Stanhope's house nearby.
- 11 min
Texas Border Patrol on Horseback and the Whip/Lasso Debate
#Tim discusses the border crisis, the standoff between Biden's federal government and Texas, and dissects viral footage of mounted Texas agents using reins/whips or lassos on migrants, calling it "their culture."
10moments
- Texas sends people on horseback with whips to wrangle migrants — that's their culture, not some new invention.
- The optics look bad because nobody respects the Western way of life anymore, but this is how law enforcement has always operated there.
- Debate over what the border patrol is actually doing: whipping versus lassoing, and whether it serves a tactical purpose.
- Lassoing many people at once from horseback while they're running is difficult; it's not just one person occasionally.
- The alternative would be pulling out a gun and shooting migrants, which nobody would support either.
- The real problem is lack of resources — states and cities don't have room, space, or money to handle the influx.
- There has to be some process by which people enter the country; this is a core reason Trump won his first election.
- Rich people like Tim are barely affected by immigration; they benefit from cheap labor and lower costs.
- The middle and lower classes bear the brunt of immigration's negative impacts: job competition, drained local resources, crowded hospitals and schools.
- Some immigrants inevitably turn to crime to make a living, just as some citizens do illegally.
Donald TrumpJoe BidenJoe RoganElon MuskMexicoNew York CityTexasBoston+5 more
- 5 min
Mass Migration as the Defining Issue and Who Actually Benefits
#He argues immigration mostly benefits the rich (cheap labor, landscaping, nannies) while burdening the middle and lower classes, and frames global migration as the top political issue of the next 50 years.
7moments
- Mass migration is the biggest issue of the next 50 years besides climate change, driven by political instability, economic conditions, and climate.
- Countries cannot absorb an endless stream of immigrants without backlash from citizens—people like familiarity and tradition, which doesn't make them racist.
- The US has absorbed over 100 million immigrants in the last century from more diverse cultures than any other country, but faces wealth inequality, automation, and debt.
- Immigration policy needs a cost-benefit analysis that people understand, not an emotional debate—boomers retiring is real and unavoidable.
- Boomers are giddy about the prospect of American civilization failing because they're at the end of their lives and won't have to live with the consequences.
- Boomers never wanted their children to have better lives and viewed them as obstacles to their own success and fulfillment.
- The boomer generation functions like a death cult similar to radical Islam—ready to usher in the apocalypse gleefully while holding all the houses and money.
BoomersmigrationUnited Statesclimate changeOregon drug stuffNew York City
- 8 min
Tim reads a Pentagon report referencing Dianne Feinstein's decline that imagines elderly senators using brain-computer implants to cling to power, and argues Boomers are a death cult who'd rather see civilization collapse than give up control.
10moments
- 80% of the stock market is owned by elderly people who can sell anytime and trigger a downturn, holding the American economy hostage.
- Boomers refuse to sell their McMansions, downsize, or give up their jobs—Biden won't step aside despite being 80 and elderly.
- The Pentagon prepared a report listing threats to national security, including bioweapons and covid.
- The Pentagon warns about government employees replacing natural eye lenses with artificial ones containing tiny cameras that could leak classified intelligence.
- According to the Pentagon report, elderly Congressional leaders desperate to retain power secretly install brain-computer interface devices to regain mobility and speech.
- Tim claims this is the wildest Pentagon report he's read and that he spends time researching these documents rather than talking off the cuff.
- When the brain implants malfunction, they cause erratic behavior that damages relationships with foreign allies and National Security.
- For the Pentagon to write this report, someone must have already suggested putting a chip in Biden's head to allow him to function during debates and public appearances.
- Boomers will never retire, leave office, or sit on a beach—they are built only to destroy and become upset when they can't.
- Tim expected Biden's debate performance to come from pharmaceutical cocktails, but the Pentagon suggests a brain chip implant is the actual plan.
Joe BidenBoomersDiane Feinsteinbrain implants in elderly politiciansPentagon
- 8 min
Committing Boomers to Prison-Style Health Facilities
#He proposes, satirically, that as Boomers decline they'll need to be forcibly committed to state-run facilities run by immigrants, with their property confiscated, framing this as the real endgame of the immigration/aging population crisis.
9moments
- Nobody in the country with any option wants to care for dying Boomers in state-run facilities, and elder abuse in nursing homes will finally feel justified.
- Immigrants were supposed to come in and wipe Boomers' asses because Americans refuse to do it, but this plan depended on people nobody wants the job in the first place.
- Tim outlines how to sell immigration to the country: there are 76 million Boomers all in their 60s and 70s, getting crazier and becoming public health threats.
- The solution is committing tens of millions of Boomers against their will into prison-style health facilities run by illegal immigrant Hondurans who know how to run prisons.
- Property confiscation is necessary—the government must take Boomers' houses and land by force to finance and manage the mass commitment.
- If Boomers aren't contained, they'll figure out some Pinky and the Brain scheme to destroy the world, crash the stock market, or cause some unforeseen catastrophe.
- Young and middle-aged people are nervous about the upcoming year, but Boomers are giddy and happy, enjoying the chaos like it's entertainment.
- Politics is the only sport Boomers care about because there are too many minorities in other sports, and it's not really political—they just want to win at any cost.
- Boomers don't care what happens to anyone else, willing to accept the destruction of the country just to be right, making their selfishness a Pentagon-assessed national security threat.
- 9 min
Taco Bell Nostalgia and the $2.59 Beefy Five-Layer Burritos
#Riffing on a viral post about old Taco Bell prices, Tim contrasts early-2000s fast food nostalgia (Wendy's Monterey chicken sandwich, KFC honey BBQ wings) with 9/11 and Abu Ghraib, then muses on how no one gets mad about food poisoning us, only about the price of the poison.
10moments
- Tim notes that $20 at Taco Bell now buys significantly less than it did in the early 2000s when the chain first became popular.
- The late 1990s and early 2000s represented a golden age of fast food, when Americans comforted themselves with cheap meals while watching 9/11 unfold and the Iraq War escalate.
- A woman discovered a Taco Bell receipt from 2012 showing two Beefy Five-Layer Burritos for $2.59 total.
- Tim argues the rage about fast food is never directed at the poison itself, but only at the price of the poison—people just want to die cheaply.
- He describes 1 a.m. Taco Bell runs as a moment when people knowingly consume poison but demand it be affordable.
- The Beefy Five-Layer Burrito nutritional breakdown reveals it contains no real food—just plastic, grade D meat, and processed ingredients.
- Tim recounts Upton Sinclair's The Jungle and how muckraking journalism about meat packing abuses led to food safety reforms, unlike today's endless books about food poisoning that nobody reads.
- The woman's point is simple: you used to be able to eat a thousand calories of garbage poison for under $3, consuming half a day's calories in five minutes.
- Americans accept that corporations are poisoning rivers, lakes, water, and food because they want a good deal and are prepared to make moral compromises to survive.
- Tim insists nobody in America fails to become wealthy because they're too moral—the country is built on preparing people early to accept moral compromise.
Taco BellUpton SinclairRobert F. KennedyKFCThe JungleWendy'sAbu GhraibBill Burr
- 3 min
People Only Rage About Beating Airlines Out of Money
#Tim mocks people who brag about negotiating cheaper flight-change fees as the most boring possible human achievement, tying it back to nobody caring about being poisoned.
5moments
- Tim on American ideology: work hard and do the right thing, and eventually you'll earn the privilege to do the wrong thing, like poisoning people.
- People get genuinely upset about airline flight change fees, not about poisoned food and water.
- The least interesting people in the world brag constantly about beating an airline out of money, like saving $425 on a flight change.
- Tim's observation: people measure life success by beating corporations out of small amounts—finding an extra mozzarella stick and calling it a win.
- A guy at Tim's house spent time explaining to his friend's little brother how he got a $500 flight change down to $75, showing the app and everything.
- 2 min
His Chinese Godson and Postmates Chicken Nuggets in the Hamptons
#Tim describes visiting the Hamptons and finding his toddler godson eating Postmates chicken nuggets instead of fresh local food, joking that Chinese kids shouldn't be "polluted" by American junk food.
3moments
- Tim's godson, who is Chinese, came to his house and got Postmates to deliver him chicken nuggets instead of eating the fresh vegetables and bread available in the Hamptons.
- The mother Postmated chicken nuggets to the two-year-old in the Hamptons, and when Tim suggested making him a grilled cheese instead, the kid was already addicted to the Postmates nuggets.
- Tim argues his Chinese godson needs bok choy and bone broth, not American junk food, because Chinese people operate on a different metabolic efficiency than others.
- 3 min
On Seeing a Really Fat Asian Person
#Tim jokes that despite America's history of wars and coups, the most offensive thing the country has exported is fast food culture fat enough to affect Asian body types.
7moments
- Tim's take: seeing a really fat Asian person is the most offensive thing America has ever done.
- American-style fat Asian, where you worry about mobility, hits different than a chubby Asian.
- LA Times billionaire owner's daughter is losing her mind and destroying the paper, as children of billionaires tend to do.
- Billionaire owner Patrick Sun Shang and his daughter fighting over how to run the LA Times.
- LA Times defended Hamas, essentially downplaying how bad the attacks really were.
- Tim questions which is worse: a woke Asian or a fat Asian, settling on fat woke Asian as worst archetype.
- Fat woke Asian has something spiritual and terrifying about them that commands reverence and attention.
LA TimesPatrick Sun XangKevin Miranda
- 2 min
He reacts to news of turmoil at the LA Times between owner Patrick Soon-Shiong, his daughter, and editorial leadership, then riffs on the specific archetype of a "fat woke Asian" as oddly fascinating to watch.
5moments
- Tim on LA Times billionaire's daughter supporting Palestine — she seems annoying but people are allowed to do it.
- Tim argues Native Americans were warriors who killed each other, so you can't turn them into victims.
- He won't listen to woke activists unless they're fat — thin woke Asians have no novelty.
- Tim demands fat woke Asians and trans activists because they're like Pokémon come to life.
- People watch him the way they watch extreme characters — fat white supremacists, fat woke Asians — because everyone's curious about everybody else.
- 2 min
Tim reads a sponsored segment for Morgan and Morgan personal injury law firm, riffing on clumsy friends getting into accidents before delivering the standard ad copy.
3moments
- Tim's friends keep getting injured in ridiculous ways—car accidents, falling down stairs, going the wrong way on an escalator at the mall.
- One friend became paralyzed from an incident at a frozen yogurt shop.
- Life is hard, but submitting an injury claim with Morgan and Morgan is easy—easier than calculus, easier than looking your father in the eyes.
- 3 min
Tim reads an ad for Stitch Fix styling service, joking about looking like a slob and comparing the service to Uber/DoorDash for clothing.
6moments
- Tim observes that people dressed well have something figured out while he looks like a slob, suggesting some people pull it off but others might want to step it up.
- A friend told Tim he looks like a slob all the time and recommended Stitch Fix when Tim said he couldn't afford a personal stylist like Jennifer Lopez.
- Tim argues that the idea you have to be a famous celebrity to have a stylist isn't true—experts can transform anyone regardless of body type.
- Shopping in stores is terrible: it takes hours, involves traffic, and is gross; online shopping leaves you unsure what will fit or look good together.
- Stitch Fix pairs you with genuine designers and stylists who can make you look better, with free shipping, returns, and exchanges.
- Tim compares Stitch Fix to DoorDash for your body, Postmates for your clothes, and Uber for clothing—the same convenience applied to getting dressed.
Stitch Fix
- 1 min
Tim runs down upcoming tour cities including Atlanta, St. Louis, Indianapolis, West Nyack, Boston, Foxwoods, Chicago, Dania Beach, Tulsa, Indio, Phoenix, and Atlantic City, and asks people to subscribe on YouTube.
2moments
- Tim announces tour dates across the next three months: Atlanta, St. Louis, Indianapolis, West Nyack, Boston, Foxwoods, Chicago, Dania Beach, Indio, Phoenix, and Atlantic City.
- Fans can find all tickets and information at comedy.com and should subscribe to the YouTube channel.
- 3 min
Offering His Services to the Gilbert, Arizona Families
#Tim jokingly claims credit for solving the Gilbert, Arizona murders and offers himself "for sale" to help wealthy families caught up in drug scandals rehabilitate their image on his show.
7moments
- Tim claims he's solving murders in his spare time and making Arizona streets safer without recognition from Governor Katie Hobbs.
- He suggests the governor should call him to thank him for preventing crime in the state.
- Tim announces he's for sale to help wealthy families evade drug charges if they sweeten the pot.
- He offers to rehabilitate Gilbert families through Orange Theory franchises and appearance on his show to discuss fitness and counter lies about them.
- Tim criticizes the Arizona families for being goons who haven't removed drugs from their houses.
- His mother rented rooms to smart, conscientious drug dealers who would actually remove their stash when cops raided the house.
- Tim pivots to warning that boomers will become more dangerous than street goons.
Katie HobbsArizona