Episode 392 · The Studio Revamp
Eurovision & Jerry Seinfeld's Pop-Tart Movie | The Tim Dillon Show #392
May 16, 2024 · 1:13:18 · 416,000 views · 27 segments, 155 moments indexed
Tim examines watching atrocities in a grocery store, finance guys being overworked, the Pop-Tart movie, Gaza influencers, Eurovision and the collapse of the restaurant industry.
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- 1 min
Cold Open: Kill Tony at the Forum and Meeting Netflix's CEO
#Tim opens by recapping the Kill Tony show at the Forum in LA for Netflix's Is a Joke Festival and an awkward elevator encounter with the Netflix CEO while his agent stayed silent.
3moments
- Tim attended Kill Tony at the Forum in LA for the Netflix Is a Joke Festival.
- He rode an elevator with Netflix's CEO, who complimented him by saying people speak well of him.
- Tim telepathically signaled his agent not to say anything awkward during the encounter.
- 2 min
Introducing the Unfrosted Problem and Seinfeld's Duke Speech
#Tim reluctantly announces he has to discuss the new Seinfeld Pop-Tart movie Unfrosted, and defends Seinfeld's Duke commencement speech against claims the whole crowd walked out.
4moments
- Tim reluctantly agrees he has to discuss the Seinfeld film Unfrosted because it's happening in the culture.
- Seinfeld gave a great commencement speech at Duke where only a few young kids walked out, though media portrayed it as the entire crowd leaving.
- The protesters were objecting to Seinfeld for being Jewish, not because he was making extreme political statements.
- Seinfeld's main point was that graduates would need their sense of humor, and only a couple people left in response.
Jerry SeinfeldUnfrostedDavid Duke
- 2 min
Gaza Images vs. the Pop-Tart Movie
#Tim contrasts the horrific real images coming out of Gaza on his phone with the disturbing absurdity of the Pop-Tart movie, comparing it to imagining an Abu Ghraib torture livestream playing at a deli counter.
5moments
- Tim describes seeing the most horrible images from Gaza on his phone—children crushed by rubble, bleeding—things no moral person can witness without being affected.
- He claims the Pop-Tart movie is somehow worse and more disturbing than the Gaza images, then immediately defends the statement preemptively.
- Tim argues these images would have changed public feeling about the Iraq War if people had seen live feeds of torture at Abu Ghraib while standing at a grocery store deli counter.
- He launches into a bit about the unspoken rules of deli counter etiquette—you can't look too impatient, you have to seem grateful for your luck, and there's a precise timing to calling out your next meat order.
- Tim walks through the anxiety of ordering at a deli: the eye contact games, the fear of interrupting too soon, the dynamics of waiting with a number in a crowd of other people with numbers.
- 4 min
Deli Counter Etiquette and Watching War on Your Phone
#An extended riff on the awkwardness of watching war footage on your phone in public (like at a deli counter), the anxiety of being caught, and how much war coverage a person can consume.
8moments
- Tim describes the anxiety of ordering at the deli counter while the worker judges your speed.
- Watching live torture footage from Abu Ghraib on your phone while waiting for sliced meat in 2003–2005.
- Opening social media now and cycling between cooking videos and footage of people fleeing bombing raids.
- Someone catches you watching war footage in public; you have to look at them and silently acknowledge it's not good.
- Tim on the modern dilemma: how much war can you consume and how much can you consume publicly.
- The unreleased Curb Your Enthusiasm episode where Larry and Café watch Gaza war on loud phones in public.
- Tim calls the current starvation and mass death terrible and worse than something he can't fully explain.
- Babies being made into soup with your money, complicity without consent, yet still worse than the Pop-Tart film.
- 1 min
Barry Weiss's Wife's Book Party and Eating Her Own Feces at Sea
#Tim recounts attending Nellie Bowles's book party with New York media elites and describes her book Morning After the Revolution, joking that she survived 30 days shipwrecked by eating her own feces.
4moments
- Tim attended Barry Weiss's wife's book party with New York media elite including Lloyd Blankfein and Arianna Huffington.
- Barry Weiss's wife Nelly Balls wrote a book called 'Morning After the Revolution: Dispatches from the Wrong Side of History.'
- Nelly Balls was shipwrecked in the Indian Ocean for 30 days and survived by eating her own feces, which is what the book is about.
- Tim read the book because he found the premise of someone eating their own feces for survival genuinely interesting.
Nelly BallsGoldman SachsVanity FairBari WeissLloyd BlankfeinGraydon CarterArianna Huffington
- 4 min
The Bank of America Green Beret's Death and Reading His Old Wall Street Rant
#Tim discusses a 35-year-old Bank of America banker and former Green Beret who died after working extreme hours, then reads a years-old piece he wrote defending Wall Street's brutal work culture after a Goldman Sachs intern's death.
9moments
- Tim introduces a 35-year-old Green Beret who died at Bank of America after working 100 hours a week for several weeks.
- He reads from an old piece he wrote defending Wall Street's hardcore culture when a Goldman Sachs intern jumped out a window.
- Goldman Sachs banned all-nighters after interns died, which Tim critiques as coddling in a competitive financial culture.
- Finance workers chose extreme wealth over becoming teachers; the grueling process is worth the reward, Tim argues.
- Wall Street's shift from cocaine-snorting alpha males in the '80s to Adderall-eating nerds has made it weaker and more complaint-prone.
- Tim frames finance workers as soldiers in economic war, claiming the country has criminalized success and catered to weakness.
- He advocates for working young finance people to the brink of insanity as necessary preparation against China's competition.
- People enter finance to avoid becoming janitors; if they fail and jump from windows, that's preferable to never having a luxury apartment.
- This rant was written around 2015 or 2016, establishing it's not a new position for Tim.
Goldman SachsBank of AmericaWall Streetinvestment banking culture
- 6 min
Finance as a Religion: Why People Die Chasing Billions
#Tim expands on the idea that Wall Street and finance function like a religion of sacrifice, comparing bankers who work themselves to death to soldiers, athletes, and struggling comedians who sacrifice health and relationships for success.
8moments
- Tim explains that finance debates aren't new, and when someone dies pursuing wealth, it's sad but inevitable—comparing it to military service.
- Making the kind of money this finance worker wanted carries inherent risk, like being a spy or elite athlete—jobs that strain your body and mind.
- Elite athletes pushing their bodies to the limit sometimes collapse and die, as do marathon runners in peak condition—the cost of extreme performance.
- Wall Street is where type A people go to make exorbitant sums through extraction, not invention—staying low to the ground sucking money out of the system.
- Every few years an intern on Wall Street can't take it, but Tim argues nobody forced them into the job when they could be a teacher in Minnesota instead.
- Finance should be treated as a religion—people devote inordinate time to something unseen and ritually pursue the god of a billion dollars.
- These finance guys want to be billionaires and sacrifice their physical and emotional well-being to get there, similar to how comedians sacrifice everything early on.
- If you fail as a comedian after a decade in bars, people just call you a bum with nothing to show for your time.
- 1 min
Business Manager's Office and the 'It Was Good, For Kids' Review
#Tim describes discussing Unfrosted with his business manager's office assistant, who gives the bland LA-approved review that it was 'good... for kids.'
3moments
- Tim doesn't want to discuss the Pop-Tart movie despite respecting Seinfeld, Gaffigan, and Burr as great comedians.
- In his business manager's office, a woman reviewed the movie as 'good' — the only acceptable Los Angeles response to any film.
- When Tim pointed out it was made for kids, she simply agreed, exemplifying how people in LA just consent to any opinion about movies.
Bill BurrJerry SeinfeldJim GaffiganPop-TartKyle Dunigan
- 3 min
Unfrosted Marketing Next to Gaza Footage
#Tim points out the surreal juxtaposition of seeing Unfrosted ads about Pop-Tarts changing breakfast for millions of kids right next to footage of starving children in Gaza.
5moments
- Tim notes the unfortunate timing of watching Gaza footage while seeing Netflix ads for a Pop-Tarts movie.
- He wonders whether starving children in Gaza would want a Pop-Tart, questioning what breakfast they're actually eating.
- Tim speculates that having a billion dollars might skew your perception of what's interesting enough to make a movie about.
- He runs through all the achievements, inventions, and mysteries in human history to argue the point.
- With a billion dollars, Jerry Seinfeld chose to make a movie about the invention of the Pop-Tart and put every comedian in it.
- 5 min
Pitching a Movie About the Yodel and Shake Shack
#Tim mocks the premise of Unfrosted by imagining absurd equivalent films he could pitch with his own fame, like a movie about the invention of the Yodel snack cake or Shake Shack, and jokes no one can say no to famous people's pitches.
8moments
- Tim questions why Smithsonian Magazine treated Pop-Tarts' 1964 introduction as a world-changing event.
- If he pitched a movie about the invention of the yodel with a billion dollars and every comedian in the world, people would think he'd lost his mind.
- He should have asked the Netflix CEO if he could make a movie about the yodel instead.
- Tim wants to make a movie about how Danny Meyer put burgers on potato buns at Shake Shack.
- Pop-Tarts marketing sugar to children was probably one of the darkest things America has done, unleashing decades of obesity and addiction.
- The real movie should open with legless, hospitalized fat people and Jerry Seinfeld interviewing them about their lives ruined by sugar.
- Seinfeld should stand in hospital rooms trying to have humanity with morbidly obese bedridden people, holding their hands as they die.
- This serious film would contrast against the goofy actual movie with Snap, Crackle and Pop featuring every comedian.
Pop-TartsShake ShackKellogg'sJerry SeinfeldNetflixDanny MeyerSmithsonian MagazineHugh Grant
- 1 min
The Stapler Pitch and Nobody Saying No to Seinfeld
#Continuing the bit, Tim imagines pitching a movie about a stapler and riffs on how any pitch from someone that famous gets automatic yeses from everyone in the room.
4moments
- Tim pitches absurd film ideas to Ted: a movie about the yodel starring Louis C.K. as the yodel king.
- Nobody can say no to major celebrities at a certain career level—Jerry Seinfeld could pitch literally anything and get approval.
- Example: Seinfeld pitching a movie about staplers, complete with bit about staples in your palm, and instantly getting yes from everyone.
- Tim expresses desire to reach a career point where he can walk into a room and pitch an idea with complete authority.
Jerry SeinfeldLou CK
- 1 min
The Meeting That Should Have Killed Unfrosted
#Tim finishes the riff by scripting how a sane studio meeting should have shot down the Pop-Tart movie pitch immediately.
2moments
- Tim shoots down an idea in a pitch meeting, saying it seems really stupid and dumb.
- He pivots to praising water as his fallback position.
- 2 min
Tim reads a sponsored segment for Liquid Death canned water, joking about dads drinking it at school drop-off and comparing plastic pollution to strangled sea turtles.
5moments
- Tim endorses Liquid Death as a healthy beverage that looks like beer or an energy drink but isn't.
- The name 'Liquid Death' comes from the brand brutally murdering your thirst while their recyclable cans kill single-use plastic bottles.
- Tim describes seeing a seal in San Francisco being strangled by plastic, comparing it to condom strangulation.
- You can drop kids off at school with a Liquid Death can and parents will either think you're cool or assume you have family problems.
- Liquid Death is available on Amazon Prime with free shipping, or at 7-Eleven, Target, Walmart, Whole Foods, and Instacart.
- 1 min
A sponsor read for BlueChew, the chewable erectile dysfunction supplement service, including the promo code and subscription details.
4moments
- Tim delivers BlueChew ad about being ready for sex whenever an opportunity arises.
- Sign up at BlueChew.com, consult with a licensed medical provider, get prescription within days—all online, no awkward pharmacy visits.
- BlueChew tablets are made in the USA, prepared and shipped discreetly to your door.
- Special deal for listeners: try BlueChew free with promo code TIM, just pay $5 shipping for first month free.
- 2 min
Gaza Content Creators and Donating Money
#Tim plays a clip from young influencers documenting daily life in Gaza, discusses trying to get them on the show despite bad WiFi, and says he wants to donate to them despite the risk some money reaches Hamas.
5moments
- Tim messages Gaza content creators and offers to donate money because they're creating content in a war zone like Gary Vee would.
- The creators document their daily routine: buying expensive bread for $6, attending a chess tournament, and hitting 100K followers.
- The creators say Wi-Fi in Gaza isn't strong enough for them to appear on the podcast.
- Tim commits to donating money to them and preemptively dismisses claims that the money will go to Hamas.
- These kids are trying to keep themselves sane in an environment Tim describes as one of the worst imaginable, with people dying and families destroyed.
- 5 min
The Rafah Invasion and the Case for a Two-State Solution
#Tim gives a more serious, sustained take on the humanitarian catastrophe in Gaza, the Rafah invasion, the lack of a postwar plan, and argues as a pragmatist for a two-state solution while criticizing both Hamas and pro-Palestinian campus protesters.
10moments
- Tim argues that watching scenes from Gaza should disgust any moral person, and calls the Rafah invasion a massive mistake and red line.
- There's no plan for post-Hamas Gaza or international security, creating a humanitarian catastrophe with civilians starved, displaced, and unable to access medical care.
- Tim acknowledges that college protesters wearing Muslim scarves and chanting 'death to America' aren't helping their case, but notes their silliness doesn't change the underlying crisis.
- As a pragmatist, Tim insists the only realistic solution is two states for two indigenous peoples, a consensus that existed when he was younger before Israel's government drifted right.
- The Gaza blockade and siege became a perfect recruitment tool for terrorists, and this war is doing the same thing by enraging young and desperate people.
- Images from Abu Ghraib and now from Gaza function as terrorist recruitment tools, something Tim says people assessing the situation understand.
- Tim rejects calls to wipe Israel off the map while insisting pragmatists need to figure out how to rebuild Gaza and provide restitution to its people.
- He's trying to have Palestinians on the show to raise money for their families, though logistical difficulties have made scheduling hard.
- Tim attempts to imagine what Palestinians in Gaza endure while also acknowledging the horror of Israelis whose children were kidnapped or killed on October 7th.
- Reconciling both humanitarian perspectives is difficult, Tim concludes before pivoting to Eurovision.
- 3 min
Eurovision Controversy: Israel, Russia, and Nemo's Non-Binary Rock Opera
#Tim introduces the Eurovision controversy over Israel's inclusion versus Russia's ban, and describes winner Nemo from Switzerland's rock opera about discovering they were non-binary, plus the broken trophy.
8moments
- Tim admits he's paid very little attention to Eurovision in his life
- Eurovision is a contest of bands from all over Europe, but Russia was banned after invading Ukraine
- Israel advances to the finals and people get mad about the double standard with Russia's ban
- Israeli singer Eden Golan needs heavy security backstage in Malmo, Sweden, which has a large Muslim population
- Nemo from Switzerland wins Eurovision with a rock opera about discovering they are non-binary
- Tim notes that non-binary doesn't actually exist but there's still a journey to it
- A demonic fawn from Ireland really hated Israel at Eurovision, which Tim kind of likes
- Tim jokes that Eurovision costumes are insane and make him grateful for Black people in music
EurovisionNemoIsraelRussiaEden GolanUkraineMalmöSwitzerland+2 more
- 4 min
Bambi Thug's Meltdown and Juice Klein's Ejection
#Tim covers the Irish 'demonic fawn' contestant Bambi Thug crying over Israel advancing to the Eurovision final, and Dutch rapper Duncan Laurence/Joost Klein (Juice Klein) getting kicked out of the contest.
10moments
- Tim on Bambi Thug, the Irish Eurovision contestant who won with a rock opera about discovering they were nonbinary.
- The trophy breaking and Tim's theory that Bambi Thug's vision might need fixing too.
- Juice Klein, Dutch rapper, was ejected from Eurovision after starting with antisemitic comments backstage.
- Tim plays clips of Juice Klein's song 'Europop'—literally just "I live in Europe, I like it, I will die in Europe."
- Tim on how terrible European music is compared to American music.
- Bambi Thug cried when Israel advanced to the finals, despite being a vocal critic of Israel.
- The controversy: an Irish Catholic country had a vocal Israel critic as their representative who became upset when Israel made the final.
- Tim defends Eden Golan, the Israeli contestant, arguing she's just a singer, not the defense minister of Israel.
- Tim notes they got permission from Eden Golan's people to play her song, but couldn't clear Juice Klein's track.
- Tim introduces Eden Golan's Eurovision entry, 'Hurricane,' describing it as a regular nice pop love song meant to bring people together.
Eden GolanBambi ThugJuiced KleinNemo
- 3 min
Playing Eden Golan's 'Hurricane'
#Tim introduces and plays Israeli Eurovision contestant Eden Golan's song 'Hurricane' in full, then reacts to its surprisingly violent lyrics.
3moments
- Tim plays Eden Golan's Eurovision song 'Hurricane,' which contains extreme violent imagery including killing children, babies, and threats of gun violence.
- The song's lyrics claim 'it's not genocide' and frame the violent content as merely artistic expression.
- Tim identifies the track as Eden Golan's Eurovision entry.
- 3 min
A sponsor read for Morgan & Morgan injury law firm, riffing on backyard pool accidents, hot coffee burns, and car accidents.
6moments
- Tim defends the controversial nature of art, citing Eden Golan's Eurovision song "Hurricane" as an example with violent and suggestive lyrics.
- Summer driving season brings young drivers onto roads for the first time, causing havoc and mayhem that could require injury lawyers.
- Tim recalls watching Rescue 911 as a kid, where emergency responders would stay on the phone until help arrived.
- Backyard pool accidents, slipping falls, and barbecue sauce on steps are common negligence situations requiring legal recourse.
- Summer heat and careless behavior from people in dangerous situations warrant holding them accountable.
- If injured, you deserve better and must hold negligent parties to account through legal action.
- 1 min
A sponsor read for the Ibotta cash-back shopping app, discussing inflation and grocery prices.
5moments
- Tim reads Ibotta ad copy about spring cleaning and cash back rewards.
- Ibotta is especially useful now with inflation causing sticker shock on everything.
- Other apps give you points that don't amount to much; Ibotta gives real cash.
- Tim frames Ibotta as a way to fight the economic conditions hurting American families.
- Listeners get $5 for trying Ibotta using the code Tim at sign-up.
- 2 min
A sponsor read for ExpressVPN covering public WiFi hacking risks and the three free months offer.
6moments
- Tim explains how ExpressVPN protects against hackers, foreign governments, and data brokers with one-click encryption
- You can use Netflix in another country and keep banking information secure with ExpressVPN
- Tim describes wrapping 100% of online traffic into an encrypted tunnel so Wi-Fi hackers can't crack bank logins
- Connecting to public Wi-Fi in a hotel lobby is described as a feeding frenzy where hackers ruin your life
- ExpressVPN's servers have been audited by neutral third parties and it's rated number one by CNET
- Tim pitches three extra months of ExpressVPN free by visiting expressvpn.com/TimDillon—a quarter of the year at no cost
- 1 min
Tim introduces a Drudge-linked article about restaurants that can't afford to be open or closed, citing a Chinatown sandwich shop example.
4moments
- Tim opens on the restaurant industry crisis: owners can't afford to be open or closed.
- Post Malone offered him cigarettes at a restaurant and he smoked them to support him at Kill Tony.
- The article details how restaurants face impossible economics with bills and loans continuing even when closed.
- Lauren and Peter Limos reopened their Chinatown sandwich shop because they couldn't afford the lease and loan payments while shut down.
- 2 min
Glamorization of Real Estate and Chef Culture
#Tim compares the current glamorization of real estate agents on reality TV to the earlier glamorization of chefs and bartenders, and describes the harsh reality behind those professions.
5moments
- Real estate is a low-rent profession being glamorized on Netflix and social media through shows like Million Dollar Listing.
- Only a small fraction of real estate agents actually sell luxury properties and make money; for many it's a second or third job.
- Real estate agents are like bottle service girls—they just open doors and recite listings.
- The restaurant industry went through the same glamorization cycle years ago with reality shows centered on chefs.
- Being a chef means you're often a junkie who doesn't see your family, hates them, and dies pretty young toiling in obscurity.
real estaterestaurant industrySelling SunsetMillion Dollar ListingThe Bear
- 6 min
Losing Authority: Why the Service Industry Is Miserable Now
#A long rant on how restaurants lost authority over customers—no more cash tips, endless dietary demands, phone photography, dress code collapse—and how giving up control ruined the dining experience.
9moments
- TV shows glamorize service industry jobs like bartending, leading people to pursue them expecting the Coyote Ugly or Cocktail experience.
- The reality is working at Red Lobster or a Marriott bistro heating up sandwiches for dental hygienists, not Hell's Kitchen with a chef who believes in you.
- Cash tips are gone—everything's on the grid now, so workers can't pocket tips or hide income like they used to in the 90s and 2000s.
- Customers are overeducated about food and demand five-minute interviews about allergies, restrictions, and modifications instead of just ordering.
- Diners now see dishes on YouTube before arriving, know the menu better than servers, and want the waiter to be a friend and strategist rather than a distant professional.
- Restaurants used to own the experience in the 1990s with no substitutions and a chef who wouldn't bend—now customers design the food and make all the decisions.
- When you give up your authority, you never get it back—whether you're a Russian oligarch or a mall steakhouse owner.
- Letting customers dictate dress codes and restaurant standards means you've let the inmates run the asylum and surrendered the ability to curate an experience.
- People dress in sweatpants instead of following dress codes, forcing restaurants to adjust their entire environment to accommodate pigs rather than enforce standards.
Vladimir PutinCoyote UglyRed LobsterTop ChefHell's KitchenMarriottCocktail
- 6 min
Chef's Vision, No Phones, and the Husband's Lactose/Incest Bit
#Tim continues the restaurant authority rant, insisting chefs should curate the menu and ban phones, then spirals into an absurd extended bit about a woman detailing her husband's masturbation arrest, lactose intolerance, and childhood incest before ordering chicken.
11moments
- Tim argues restaurants need authority over their diners—the chef's vision matters more than customer comfort or preferences.
- Going out to dinner has become like a doctor's appointment where people recite their self-diagnosed ailments instead of ordering food.
- Transferring power to consumers in restaurants is like letting passengers take over the airplane cockpit—it never works.
- No-phone policies should be standard; restaurants don't need diners lighting food for Instagram, they need actual marketing people.
- Tim's father, a wine salesman, got thrown out the back alley like an Irish slob when trying to pitch to a restaurant.
- Restaurants aren't hotels—they're curated experiences, not about comfort, and customer demands destroy the whole vision.
- Service industry workers are leaving because restaurants have become nursing homes and clinics instead of cool places.
- The husband's lactose problem and stomach issues are detailed in an elaborate setup about his past problems with authority.
- At fourteen, the husband impregnated his thirteen-year-old sister, who had to get an abortion at a convent.
- The sister is allergic to avocado and can't hear it mentioned because it reminds her of her abortion.
- The bit culminates with a complete tonal pivot to a casual sign-off.
Eden Gan
- 1 min
Sign Off: Go Watch Unfrosted
#Tim closes the episode with a brief sarcastic send-off telling listeners to go watch Unfrosted.
1moment
- Tim recommends watching Unfrosted and signs off