Episode 272 · The Ben Avery Era
#272 - Night of The Beating | The Tim Dillon Show
Oct 10, 2021 · 1:05:16 · 628,000 views · 25 segments, 133 moments indexed
Tim rips into the billionaires exposed in the Pandora Papers, how Katie Porter can change the world, Fauci's new documentary, and brings on a new sponsor, the great SteveWillDoIt from NELK.
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- 1 min
Cold Open: The Pandora Papers Are Here
#Tim introduces the Pandora Papers leak with mock outrage, sarcastically framing billionaires' shell company dealings as shocking news.
3moments
- Tim introduces the Pandora Papers and promises this time people won't take it lying down like they did with the Panama Papers.
- Tim notes the Pandora Papers are making everybody upset because most people assume billionaires are being honest.
- The papers reveal billionaires are concealing assets through shell companies, hiding multiple properties and untaxed capital streams.
- 3 min
Tim reads details of King Abdullah of Jordan's hidden Malibu properties purchased through shell companies, riffing on Arab billionaire home design taste and his own fake identity as 'Megan McCain' when buying his Texas house.
4moments
- King Abdullah has been secretly buying Malibu mansions using shell companies.
- The Pandora papers reveal how royals and wealthy people use illicit capital streams to purchase real estate globally, avoiding taxes.
- Three Cliffside Drive properties in Point Dume, totaling 22,000 square feet and $70 million, have mysterious ownership registered across Switzerland, the British Virgin Islands, and Delaware.
- King Abdullah II of Jordan purchased over a dozen high-end properties through shell companies in the US and abroad.
- 2 min
Katie Porter vs. King Abdullah, and California vs. New York Money
#Tim imagines a matchup between Congresswoman Katie Porter and King Abdullah, riffs on her grilling Jamie Dimon about bank employees eating food off the floor, and contrasts how people get rich in California versus New York.
4moments
- Arab billionaires building homes don't care about matching neighborhood style—they like to go big and bold.
- Tim convinced his realtor he was Megan McCain when buying his Texas house so she wouldn't know it was actually him.
- Congress, with a 15% approval rating, is now going after King Abdullah's hidden real estate purchases.
- Tim frames it as a bet: Congress versus King Abdullah—who wins, and what's the sports book saying?
- 4 min
Katie Porter Interrogates King Abdullah (Bit)
#An extended imagined dialogue where Katie Porter interviews King Abdullah about his Malibu shell company purchases, plus jokes about clueless Malibu locals discovering a king lives among them.
5moments
- Tim describes Katie Porter interrogating Jamie Dimon about bank employees eating food off the floor, praising her as someone willing to challenge billionaires.
- Imagining Katie Porter confronting King Abdullah about his three Malibu properties purchased through shell companies.
- Tim jokes about Malibu's local government being broke longtime residents confused about the king buying beach properties.
- People with money in California are stupid compared to New York money makers—OnlyFans creators and face-tattooed kids becoming trillionaires with names like Gucci provolone.
- Tim struggles to understand the point of exposing the Pandora Papers and what regular people are supposed to do about it.
- 3 min
Tim discusses Biden administration efforts to monitor bank transactions and claw back stimulus money amid a looming government debt default, plus jabs at Janet Yellen's grim demeanor.
6moments
- Biden is cracking down on how much money goes into and out of Americans' bank accounts.
- The government is asking people to give back thousands of dollars in stimulus payments if they couldn't find employment.
- Tim questions the logic of tracking Venmo transactions to find tax cheaters.
- Janet Yellen, the treasury secretary, looks like a grandmother who delivers bad news.
- Tim compares Yellen's appearance to the girl from Stranger Things but says he's just describing how she looks.
- Yellen warned that the economy would fall into recession if Congress doesn't address the federal borrowing limit before October 18th.
- 1 min
Searching for the Squawk Box Fat Guy
#A tangent where Tim tries to remember and find a photo of a heavyset former Squawk Box host, mocking the current lineup.
3moments
- Tim searches for the fat guy from Squawk Box after not recognizing the new cast.
- Can't find the original fat guy; new lineup includes Andrew Ross Sorkin, whom Tim wants removed.
- Tim compares using an outdated photo to his own hypothetical use of a tan Mojo picture.
Squawk BoxJoe Kernen
- 4 min
Tim explains the origin and mechanics of the 'mint the coin' scheme to avoid a debt default, including its obscure blog-comment origin story, and jokes about Biden coming for Venmo money.
5moments
- Treasury Secretary Yellen says they won't mint a trillion-dollar platinum coin to avoid defaulting on government expenses.
- The platinum coin scheme explained: Congress delegated minting authority to Treasury, which could legally create one trillion-dollar coin to fund the government.
- Tim notes the idea originated from a 2010 blog comment by an Atlanta attorney known as Beowolf, which influential economists like Joe Weisenthal and Paul Krugman later promoted.
- The catch: the coin must be made of platinum, meaning a one-trillion-dollar coin would only net about ninety-nine billion dollars in actual metal value.
- Instead of minting the coin, Biden and Harris are going through Venmo and Zelle transactions to reclaim money they handed out to keep people from burning things down.
Joe BidenKamala HarrisJanet YellenPeter SchiffCarlos MuchaPhilip DiehlJoe Weisenthal
- 1 min
Tim reads an ad for Bespoke Post's Box of Awesome subscription service, joking that he asked for hiking gear but got a box of pancake supplies instead.
5moments
- Bespoke Post launches Box of Awesome with curated collections from small businesses and emerging brands
- Collections span autumn craft beers, cozy threads, camping gear, and other lifestyle categories
- Customers take a quiz at boxofawesome.com to get personalized box recommendations
- Each $45 box contains $70 worth of gear, with 90% sourced from small and up-and-coming brands
- Tim promotes 20% off first box with code Tim Dillon at boxofawesome.com
- 4 min
Tim promotes Watch Gang, riffing on needing different watches for different life occasions including job interviews and even someone's deathbed, and jokes about needing to look successful with jewelry.
9moments
- Tim says he told a company he wanted to start hiking, but they sent him pancake batter, a griddle, Vermont maple syrup, and a Bloody Mary mix instead.
- Watch Gang is the number one watch club in the world, with Rolex giveaways every Friday and SEO giveaways every Saturday.
- Tim describes constantly wanting a watch while driving, looking at his wrist thinking he needs one.
- People without watches are sus, especially if they're trying to look successful—everyone needs a watch.
- Tim is transitioning into a watch person because of Watch Gang and the need to constantly project that he's doing okay.
- Watch Gang is a gang of watches, not an illegal gang, and you can get many different watches for different occasions.
- There's a specific watch for when you're saying final goodbyes to someone with a terminal illness—you don't want to be too flashy.
- When wearing a watch to say goodbye to someone dying, you don't want crazy bling but also not too small—you want them to notice and compliment it.
- Companies supporting the show not only have cool products but love comedy and allow it to happen on YouTube.
- 3 min
How New York Real Estate Is a Money Laundering Scheme
#Tim explains from his tour guide days how the ultra-wealthy use shell corporations in places like Delaware and the Cayman Islands to launder money through real estate, name-checking Bernard Arnault's yacht and Beverly Hills purchase.
3moments
- New York real estate functions as a vertical money laundering scheme using shell corporations in tax havens like Delaware and the Cayman Islands.
- Bernard Arnault, head of Louis Vuitton, was exposed in the Pandora papers for hiding ownership of a yacht and sneaking $30 million into a Beverly Hills house purchase.
- Tim argues wealthy people should just be embraced for doing cool things rather than condemned—if you were a king with unlimited power, you'd do the same.
Pandora papersBernard ArnaultNew York CityLouis VuittonCayman IslandsDelawareKing Abdullah
- 2 min
The Rich Never Smile, and Celebrities in the Pandora Papers
#Tim riffs on wealthy people's inability to smile, then runs through celebrities implicated in the Pandora Papers including Shakira, Elton John, and Ringo Starr.
4moments
- Tim observes that the incredibly wealthy never smile unless forced to, drawing on his experience living in a building full of very rich people.
- Tim discusses a beautiful yacht and notes that yacht websites went down after the Pandora Papers broke.
- Tim expresses disappointment that the Pandora Papers didn't reveal anything surprising, like celebrities owning multiple private prisons through shell companies.
- The Pandora Papers implicate usual suspects including Elton John, Shakira, Julio Iglesias, Swedish House Mafia, and Ringo Starr.
Elton JohnSebastian ManiscalcoShakiraPandora papersSwedish House MafiaJulio IglesiasRingo Starrprivate prisons
- 4 min
Fantasy: Biden Tortures Celebrities at the Ritz-Carlton
#An extended bit imagining Joe Biden kidnapping and torturing Shakira, Elton John, Ringo Starr, and Swedish House Mafia at a Ritz-Carlton to recover hidden wealth, framed as a joke he'd win reelection for.
6moments
- Tim's fantasy: Joe Biden commandeers the Ritz-Carlton and tortures celebrities like Shakira, Elton John, and Julio Iglesias to extract their wealth.
- If Biden actually tortured Shakira, he'd win reelection because people would support it.
- Tim would phone bank for Kamala Harris if she locked up Swedish House Mafia in a Montage in Laguna Beach and tortured them for their money.
- Saudi Arabia actually detained nearly 400 powerful people, including princes and tycoons, at the Ritz-Carlton in November 2017 in what became known as the Purge.
- An American version would have torturers interrogating Swedish House Mafia about how they make so much money from music they don't understand.
- Tim imagines putting Ringo Starr on the rack and telling him he was the least talented Beatle, which the torturers genuinely don't understand.
Joe BidenKamala HarrisSaudi ArabiaRitz-CarltonRingo StarrShakiraJulio Iglesias
- 6 min
Tim reads the real account of Saudi Arabia's 2017 Ritz-Carlton purge and 'night of the beating,' interspersed with jokes about MBS interrogating Ringo Starr and Swedish House Mafia over their wealth.
9moments
- Saudi Arabia knows how to balance things—they torture people, then let women drive to seem progressive.
- The first night of detentions in Riyadh: everyone was blindfolded and subjected to what Egyptian intelligence calls 'the night of the beating.'
- The torturers were Americans—the interrogators didn't arrive until the next day after the beatings and stress positions.
- Tim likes MBS and thinks he's great; he lives in Beverly Hills and doesn't criticize the Saudi royal family.
- The interrogators arrived knowing very little about the offshore financial stuff and were basically winging it.
- Two options when Pandora Papers leak: lock everyone in a hotel and torture them, or write real estate blogs about their stunning modern chic properties.
- It's difficult to know what to do when MBS finds out his neighbors are stealing money through the schemes in the Pandora Papers.
- Tim imagines Katie Porter kidnapping Jamie Dimon and other CEOs in a minivan dressed like a lunch lady to torture them at the Four Seasons.
- Lunch Lady Katie Porter interrogates the chained-up CEO about his monthly expenses and asks if he remembers her previous questions about how people at his bank make ends meet.
Jamie DimonMohammed bin SalmanKatie PorterSaudi ArabiaPandora papersEgypt
- 2 min
Katie Porter Tortures Jamie Dimon Fantasy
#Tim extends the torture fantasy bit to Katie Porter as a 'lunch lady' kidnapping Jamie Dimon and other CEOs to a Four Seasons for interrogation about banking practices.
3moments
- Katie Porter's interrogation fantasy: she befriends Jamie Dimon, then pivots to grilling him on lending practices and government settlements.
- Tim's logic: when corporate scandals emerge, you either torture executives at a hotel or ignore it and call them naughty—those are the only choices.
- Ghislaine Maxwell comparison: she's in prison claiming she's done nothing compared to the bankers, while being treated poorly by the system.
Katie PorterGhislaine MaxwellFour Seasons Hotel
- 1 min
Ghislaine Maxwell's Thanksgiving Trial
#Tim jokes about the timing of Ghislaine Maxwell's upcoming November 29th trial landing near Thanksgiving, and briefly mentions Ivan Mechonovich.
2moments
- Ghislaine Maxwell's trial is scheduled for November 29th, right around Thanksgiving.
- Tim was supposed to be interviewed for a new Alex Jones documentary but had to cancel due to COVID.
Ghislaine MaxwellAlex JonesAlex's WarIvan Mechon
- 4 min
Vaccine Debates and Kids, Scandinavia's Stoicism
#Tim discusses Nordic countries limiting Moderna vaccines for young men due to myocarditis risk, contrasts American excess with Scandinavian stoicism, and recounts being told to mask his toddler godson at an ice cream parlor.
9moments
- Tim expresses confusion about vaccinating 5-year-olds when most children easily beat COVID.
- Scandinavian countries suspended Moderna shots for younger age groups due to myocarditis concerns.
- Tim contrasts Scandinavian health and stoicism with American excess, noting they lack drive-thru barbecue and bouncy castle Pizza Huts.
- He describes Scandinavian life as involving light food, earthy sex, and staring at water at night, with many on antidepressants.
- America offers highs and lows; Scandinavia is like being on Prozac constantly as a country.
- Tim recounts taking his godson to an ice cream parlor where staff demanded a one-year-old wear a mask at age two.
- People have gone crazy viewing babies as disease vectors, turning into Nazis overnight about vaccination rules.
- Tesla makes a silly car designed for children, not adults, which is why it excites people.
- Elon Musk moved Tesla's children's toy car company headquarters to Austin, Texas.
ModernaTeslaElon MuskCOVID-19 vaccinesScandinaviaFinlandJapan
- 3 min
Tim discusses Elon Musk moving Tesla's HQ to Austin, calls Teslas cars for children, recalls mistaking Starlink satellites for a UFO invasion with John Shahidi, and ranks New York, Texas, and California in a hierarchy of importance.
7moments
- Tim and John Shahi watched Starlink satellites from a backyard in Texas and thought they were being invaded by aliens.
- John Shahi joked about what brands aliens would align with if they landed.
- Tim suggests kidnapping everyone in Austin and forcing them to clean it.
- Building Tesla's Austin factory took less time than reaching high volume production, following Shanghai's model.
- Texas and California are competing, but Austin won't be cheap either, despite the rivalry.
- New York will always be the king; Texas and California can fight for second place because the East Coast has cultural and academic institutions.
- Tim notes there's a reason Jeffrey Epstein didn't live in Austin, implying certain wealthy crimes require New York's infrastructure.
Elon MuskTeslaJohn ShahiJeffrey EpsteinTom Segura
- 6 min
Tim reads an ad for Steve Will Do It and the Nelk Boys' Full Send brand, describing their prank videos, Happy Dad seltzer, merch drops, and a controversial upcoming video featuring Brian Laundrie.
10moments
- Tim explains Full Send's appeal: they tell college kids to stop worrying about politics and gender, just get drunk and jump off roofs instead.
- Steve is the breakout star of Full Send, while Kyle comes across as a serious businessman who might throw a woman down the stairs.
- Steve's videos are actually funny—he gave David Dobrik a Tesla and casually mentioned his watch costs $500,000.
- Full Send's founder bought a yacht with $10 million in Bitcoin and met Donald Trump on Air Force One.
- Tim acknowledges he can't make the Full Send ad any funnier but loves Steve anyway.
- Tim's merch never sells without him begging fans like a cheating husband trying to get back in his wife's house.
- Michael Gruen wears undershirts everywhere and gives terrible merch advice—never take fashion tips from him.
- Full Send has a new video coming with Brian Laundry called 'Leaving the Past in the Past' that's just about getting drunk.
- Steve Will Do It drops new videos every Thursday and is literally the craziest channel on YouTube, making David Dobrik look like a docile peasant.
- Featuring Brian Laundry in the Full Send video will draw backlash from PC culture people, but Tim thinks it's cool to include him after his rough month.
Steve Will Do ItNELKDavid DobrikDonald TrumpBrian LaundrieKyleTekashi 69Selem
- 6 min
Tim reads an ad for Steve Will Do It and the Nelk Boys' Full Send brand, describing their prank videos, Happy Dad seltzer, merch drops, and a controversial upcoming video featuring Brian Laundrie.
10moments
- Tim explains Full Send's appeal: they tell college kids to stop worrying about politics and gender, just get drunk and jump off roofs instead.
- Steve is the breakout star of Full Send, while Kyle comes across as a serious businessman who might throw a woman down the stairs.
- Steve's videos are actually funny—he gave David Dobrik a Tesla and casually mentioned his watch costs $500,000.
- Full Send's founder bought a yacht with $10 million in Bitcoin and met Donald Trump on Air Force One.
- Tim acknowledges he can't make the Full Send ad any funnier but loves Steve anyway.
- Tim's merch never sells without him begging fans like a cheating husband trying to get back in his wife's house.
- Michael Gruen wears undershirts everywhere and gives terrible merch advice—never take fashion tips from him.
- Full Send has a new video coming with Brian Laundry called 'Leaving the Past in the Past' that's just about getting drunk.
- Steve Will Do It drops new videos every Thursday and is literally the craziest channel on YouTube, making David Dobrik look like a docile peasant.
- Featuring Brian Laundry in the Full Send video will draw backlash from PC culture people, but Tim thinks it's cool to include him after his rough month.
Steve Will Do ItNELKDavid DobrikDonald TrumpBrian LaundrieKyleTekashi 69Selem
- 1 min
Tim reads a straightforward ad for BlueChew, an erectile dysfunction chewable medication service.
3moments
- Tim pitches BlueChew, explaining it has the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis and helps with erectile confidence.
- The process: consult with a doctor online, get a referral from a medical professional, receive the right dosage, and take it anytime on a full or empty stomach.
- If you need extra bedroom confidence, BlueChew can help—promo code TD gets your first month free, just pay $5 shipping at blu.com.
Blue ChewJessica Kirschner
- 2 min
Tim reads an ad for Gabi, a service that compares auto insurance quotes, mentioning how it saved him money on his Range Rover policy.
3moments
- Tim notes that prices for gas, groceries, and everything else are rising fast, and experts say it will get worse before it improves.
- He switched to Gabi for auto insurance because shopping around normally takes days or weeks.
- Gabi helped Tim find the right policy for his Range Rover after he logged in with his current insurance provider and received multiple quotes.
- 1 min
Politicians Producing Their Own Documentaries
#Tim sets up a Disney+ Fauci documentary trailer by observing that politicians like the Obamas and Fauci are now bypassing media and directly producing content to shape their own legacies.
3moments
- There's a documentary about Fauci, and the Obamas and Harry and Meghan have Netflix deals — politicians are now making their own documentaries instead of relying on Hollywood to portray them flatteringly.
- Tim calls this a brilliant move because politicians are directly influencing how their legacies are shaped in public opinion.
- The resources devoted to making this Fauci film should not have been spent while the pandemic is still ongoing.
- 4 min
Reacting to the Fauci Documentary Trailer
#Tim watches and mocks the trailer for the Disney+ Fauci documentary, joking about his handling of AIDS, his love of the spotlight, and pitching an absurd animated gain-of-function bit.
8moments
- Tim credits Fauci with doing good work on the AIDS response based on what epidemiologists have told him.
- Calling Fauci a klutz is being nice; meaner people would call him a liar who twisted the truth.
- The documentary shows Fauci's quote about not doing it for money or glory, which Tim says demonstrates massive failure.
- Anyone working in disease prevention is always going to fail because you can't stop disease entirely.
- Fauci is like people who work at poverty centers—they need poverty to exist to justify their jobs, and similarly disease workers need disease.
- Tim pitches a Disney animated thing where Fauci admits "a little bit makes everything work" while doing gain-of-function research with needles in the background.
- Laura, who opened for Tim in Boston and works at Harvard, loves Fauci, so he knows those people exist.
- Tim doesn't trust someone who looks like him talking about health, and certainly doesn't trust "Mr. Meatball."
Anthony FauciHIV/AIDSDisneyLaura
- 2 min
Fauci as Epidemiology's Jake Paul
#Tim compares Fauci to Jake Paul as a media-hungry figure who dove eagerly into being filmed for a documentary despite the ongoing pandemic, imagining his eager scheduling call.
4moments
- Tim explains Fauci had a Disney Plus documentary called "Fouchy" being filmed while he was the public face of the pandemic.
- Fauci is epidemiology's Jake Paul—a polarizing figure with constant media presence that you either hate or love but can't ignore.
- Tim imagines an alternate version of Fauci who would have declined the documentary, citing the inappropriateness of a puff piece during a supposedly serious pandemic.
- Tim does a bit where Fauci cancels his lab work to accommodate the film crew's schedule, canceling other commitments only to insist they need a full week.
Anthony FauciJake PaulMy Favorite MurderTwo Dope Queens
- 2 min
Tim runs through his upcoming tour dates across the US and addresses backlash over jokes he made in Iowa City about nurses and pandemic response, mocking the outraged emails from the Englert Theatre.
5moments
- Tour dates announced: late October through multiple cities including Seattle, Portland, Indianapolis, Pittsburgh, New York, Los Angeles, San Diego, Atlanta, Sacramento, and more.
- Iowa City show on the 18th at the Anger Theater, despite controversy over jokes questioning the pandemic response.
- People complained to the venue claiming offense at jokes made at the expense of nurses, but Tim argues heroes shouldn't be bothered by stage comedy.
- The complaint supposedly stems from Tim questioning the pandemic response, which he defends as legitimate criticism.
- Tim dismisses the "thriving arts community" complaint as coming from two people with blue hair and cats who sent one email, with Seth Simons writing about it.
Iowa CityAnger Theater