Episode 243 · The Ben Avery Era
Classic tier — a personal pick, not a popularity ranking#243 - Best of Patreon Vol. 2 | The Tim Dillon Show
Mar 14, 2021 · 2:17:16 · 625,000 views · 30 segments, 248 moments indexed
Once a year, Ben picks some of his personal favorite moments from the Patreon vault and unlocks them for you, the listener.
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- 2 min
Intro: Why This Is a Best-Of Patreon Episode
#Tim explains the show is a best-of Patreon compilation because he overate at dinner with Joe Rogan the night before at a restaurant in Austin and feels too sick to record a full new episode.
4moments
- Opening the vault with a best-of Patreon episode featuring select rants from their paid subscribers.
- Tim went to dinner with Rogan last night and was force-fed pasta, bone marrow, garlic bread, porterhouse steaks, chocolate cake, and cream-filled doughnuts.
- Tim usually eats really healthy, but Joe does not, and Tim constantly harasses him about his diet.
- Running a best-of compilation because Tim's still recovering from last night's heavy meal and can't do a full show.
Joe RoganRed Ash restaurant
- 1 min
Fake Business and the VC Grift
#Tim riffs on being in the "VC game" instead of comedy, comparing venture capital hype and clubhouse app schizophrenia to his own inflated sense of wealth.
3moments
- The comedy game has been replaced by the VC game, and you just need to be schizophrenic to play it.
- Tim's real money is superior to Ron White's and Jeff Donahue's because his exists only in his head with no cap to it.
- Unlike actual money in banks or investments, his imaginary money has no end because it's a creation of his own mind.
Ron WhiteJeff Donahueventure capital
- 3 min
Dinner with Rogan, Ravioli-Throwing Fan, and Lex Fridman
#Tim recaps the previous night's dinner with Joe Rogan, Ron White, Hinchcliffe, and others, including a woman throwing ravioli to get Rogan's attention and a strange conversation with Lex Fridman about wanting a "serious movie."
8moments
- Tim on the era of fake business: everyone on Clubhouse claims to be working on projects they never actually work on.
- Comedy isn't the goal anymore—the focus is on venture capital, founders, and monetization strategy.
- Tim holds up a sign and declares it's an NFT worth a million dollars, illustrating how meaningless money has become.
- Last night's restaurant impressed Tim despite his expectations to hate it.
- A woman threw ravioli at the table to get Rogan's attention; Tim initially thought it was Antifa but realized she just wanted to say hello.
- Tim's theory: throwing carbs at Rogan would weaken him if you wanted to tempt him.
- Rogan gets recognized constantly, which surprises Tim given that he and his companions feel they're more successful and famous.
- Lex Fridman joined dinner and proved to be an interesting dinner companion.
Joe RoganClubhouseLex Fridmanventure capitalRon WhiteFake business
- 2 min
Tim plugs upcoming live shows and teases an angry-nurse story from a Pennsylvania show before playing a video clip, while also discussing swimming in Tampa.
4moments
- Tim asks if he has a serious movie in him after someone critiques the Wallet trailer, saying they wanted the darkness without jokes.
- People talk about keto but don't actually follow through—Tim claims he's the only one who actually does it, works out, knows about fighting, and understands robotics.
- Tim groups himself with the Weinsteins as the only people who understand the real deal, both having been exiled from academia for telling the truth.
- Upcoming tour dates available at timbercomedy.com with Tim and Dan hitting the road together.
WeinsteinsBrettC.S. LewisEric
- 5 min
The Angry Nurse Heckler Video and Bit
#Tim plays and reacts to video of a stand-up bit where an offended nurse in the front row confronts him after a joke, and he explains at length why jokes about tragedy aren't meant to be taken literally.
9moments
- A nurse got angry at Tim during a Pennsylvania tent show after he made jokes about nurses.
- She took a night off work to attend the comedy show and didn't understand that jokes aren't meant to be serious.
- Tim compares her complaint to an air traffic controller being shocked that planes try to land at airports.
- The video plays showing the confrontation between Tim and the angry nurse heckler.
- Tim asks why she isn't at work if people are dying—questioning whether the crisis is real enough to keep her away from the show.
- Tim points out that people are dying from closed businesses, addiction, and alienation, not just from illness, and he made fun of all of it.
- He explains to her that jokes work because they're absurd and ridiculous, and if they were serious statements nobody would laugh.
- Tim acknowledges she's offended and can post mean things online, but insists these are literally just jokes.
- Before thanking the audience, Tim adds: 'except the part about the nurses—I'm serious about that.'
- 2 min
Tim discusses possibly relocating shows to Florida, ticket capacity increases at venues, and explains why Patreon episodes are audio-only while ads remain video.
7moments
- Tim might be in Florida next week, or might have to fly the co-host down there—says the audience doesn't care where the show comes from.
- Tim spent money on the studio setup but they might broadcast from the beach instead; he needs to swim in the ocean.
- Water temperature in Tampa is currently 69 degrees, which Tim considers swimmable.
- Tim has a show coming up at the Paramount in Austin and notes that clubs are reopening at higher capacities, so sold-out shows may release more tickets.
- The Patreon episodes going forward will be audio-only, not video.
- Tim says he loves audio-only Patreon episodes and grew up with that format, though he enjoys doing video too.
- The ads on the Patreon feed will still be in video format.
- 6 min
Car Shopping with Alan the Range Rover Salesman
#Tim tells an extended story about car shopping in the desert with Devin and Ida, focusing on hapless salesman Alan at a Range Rover dealership trying to close a deal despite Tim having no license or credit.
11moments
- Tim spent the past few days car shopping with his girlfriend in the desert, visiting seven dealerships in one day.
- He's become addicted to car salespeople despite not knowing what car he wants or wanting to spend much money.
- Range Rover salespeople act like they're doing you a favor, which is different from other dealership tactics.
- Alan the salesman didn't know Tim doesn't have a driver's license until after letting him take a test drive.
- Alan called his manager Bob claiming he had a good prospect, but had to admit the guy just needs to pass a driver's test first.
- Tim is too large to fit comfortably in most cars at dealerships, which are designed for Europeans.
- The only BMW that fits him is an old sedan model, which he doesn't want.
- Alan marks the car as sold with Tim's name on it despite Tim having no license and only one $800 credit card.
- Alan's manager reams him out for trying to sell a car to someone with no license and bad credit who talks about Patreon revenue.
- Tim's last car was a 1999 Chevy Suburban he bought for $10,000 in 2007, which eventually got repossessed, leaving him carless for 11 years.
- When the towing company called about liens and fees, Tim congratulated them and hung up without paying.
Range RoverRay KumpBMWHarrison FordRolls RoyceClear and Present DangerPatriot Games
- 9 min
Howie's Mortgage Fraud Days and Alan's Doomed Deal
#Tim compares Alan's desperate sales pitch to his old mortgage days working with a dishonest colleague named Howie who fraudulently refinanced double-wide trailers as modular homes.
10moments
- Alan walks out of the car dealership looking devastated after the sales manager tells him about a Russian gangster who paid lease payments upfront.
- Tim tells the sales manager to calm down his testosterone and get in touch with his femininity instead of acting like he's in a movie.
- Chase bank—which runs Land Rover Financial—would actually make the loan harder because the bank already knows Tim's spending habits and financial history.
- Howie, a cutthroat and dishonest mortgage broker, succeeded by lying in circles until people were invested in making his lies come true.
- Howie would refinance modular homes in South Carolina, claiming double-wide trailers were permanent fixtures on foundations so banks would lend on them.
- Tim would walk into the mortgage office with hopeless deals, leveraging any tiny credit history—like a paid-back Kmart card—to justify loans that couldn't get done.
- Alan is now doing to the dealership what Tim did to mortgage lenders: pretending a comedian on the Joe Rogan show is a serious buyer.
- The finance manager admits to Tim that he can't promise the deal will close, but they're staying late and waiting for the banks to open tomorrow to try.
- Tim hates Alan because he was a terrible car salesman—out of breath immediately, offering nothing, not even a cappuccino at a luxury dealership.
- Tim's aunt has worked at four car dealerships and been fired from all of them because she knows nothing about the cars or her job.
HowieBentleyAlanused car salesLincolnMercedesJoe Rogan ExperienceJaguar+1 more
- 3 min
Dealership Snobbery: Lincoln, Bentley, and the OAN Salesman
#Tim continues the car-shopping saga, describing rude treatment at Lincoln and Bentley dealerships, a clueless salesperson relative, and a Bentley/Cadillac salesman who watches OAN and pushes a fake coronavirus cure.
10moments
- Tim argues the BMW 7 Series is the only luxury car he fits in, despite people saying it makes him look too old.
- Bentley salesman brags about buying a Cadillac Eldorado at 24 and kept asking them to remove their masks during the deal.
- Salesman claims to listen to OAN and asks if they're Republicans or Democrats, then defends the network.
- Tim notes OAN got deplatformed from YouTube for selling a fake coronavirus cure like carnival gypsies.
- When the salesman mentioned One America News Network, Tim says everyone there is full of it.
- Tim tries to curry favor by mentioning he's had Candace Owens on his show and that she's texting about the Bentley.
- Tim admits Candace Owens gets more Instagram Live views than his entire show, undermining his leverage.
- Salesman claims he's never heard of Candace Owens, saying she's too mainstream and only trusts what he sees on OAN.
- Tim describes the salesman as a guy who comes home tired from not selling Range Rovers and watches OAN to find coronavirus cure scams.
- Transition to ad read for Helix Sleep.
One America News NetworkCandace OwensJoe Rogan
- 1 min
Tim reads a Helix Sleep ad describing their mattress quiz, plus-size mattress option, and discount offer for listeners.
2moments
- Helix offers plus-size mattresses for bigger people, accommodating all body types.
- Tim notes that pillows are expensive, making the two free pillows a genuine value add.
- 1 min
Mid-ad, Tim jokes about David Dobrik's recent scandals, absurdly claiming online rumors link him to 9/11 with the Saudis.
2moments
- David Dobrik has a big mattress and posted a photo of it
- Online claims allege Dobrik was involved with the Saudis in 9/11
- 1 min
Tim reads a BetterHelp ad describing the online therapy service, how to sign up, and the discount code for listeners.
2moments
- Tim reads BetterHelp ad copy with deadpan delivery
- Tim calls the podcast "Pod Cancer" while mid-read
- 4 min
Tim brings on his friend Melanie to recount his father's visible disappointment when his stepmother Christina was saved from near-death, and they trade stories about Christina's coldness, bad birthday deli spreads, and calling a dying dog "failing."
8moments
- Tim's stepmother almost dies from choking on chicken, but his father's disappointment at the neighbor saving her is palpable.
- Melanie witnesses Tim's father realizing mid-second marriage that he should have just stayed single.
- The neighbor who saved the stepmother—Melanie recalls Tim's father gritting his teeth when mentioning the man's name.
- Tim calls his stepmother Christina a real character and cold person who could carry her own podcast.
- Christina tells Tim's father that someone who never made right decisions his whole life ended up in his house—Tim tells her to shut up.
- Christina made Tim a birthday dinner of rolled cold cuts and lunchables, the worst possible food for any occasion.
- When Tim's elderly dog was dying, Christina said "I think he's failing"—that's how she speaks to human beings.
- Christina prefers death to life, showing up when Tim's uncle Carl had late-stage brain cancer because she gravitates toward dying.
- 2 min
Melanie and Tim continue detailing how his stepmother isolated his father from friends, tried to send Tim to a dangerous school, and general observations about controlling boomer stepparents.
7moments
- Tim recalls his stepmother's scheme to place him in street-living practice, complete with a filthy coat from a homeless shelter that had bird droppings on it.
- His stepmother married his father in 11th grade and immediately tried to pull him out of his current school to send him to Catholic school.
- The alternative school was Lakeview, where gang members went and a teacher once breastfed her child in the back of class—the stepmother's actual choice for where he should go.
- Tim describes his stepmother as a literal Cinderella-style villain, the kind whose picture belongs next to the Wikipedia entry for 'stepmother.'
- She isolated his father from everyone he cared about, moved him into a small bungalow, and cut him off from his friends.
- Baby boomers around age 70 get bored and shuffle their lives around before the end—buying houses and rearranging things with no real purpose.
- Long Island boomers are fascinating because they got everything they wanted their whole lives and are now used to having complete satisfaction.
- 4 min
Tim and Melanie riff on entitled Long Island boomers, comparing Trump to a quintessential boomer president, and mock people celebrating and dancing in the streets during the pandemic despite claimed fear of COVID.
12moments
- Trump as the perfect example of what happens when a boomer becomes president.
- Boomers got a high school diploma and owned a house by age 20, yet still act perpetually aggrieved.
- Tim's aunt Donna demanded everyone stay inside and wear masks so she could travel, claiming she deserved it for working hard.
- Tim never bought a brand new car despite working hard his whole life, while his mother got one at 18 from a farmers market job.
- Tim's newest car purchase is a 1995 pickup truck, all rusty, because he's become almost full hillbilly.
- Tim would feel better with an arsenal against Biden and Kamala, not knowing what they'll do.
- Gun stocks took a dive after Biden won because people realized they only needed military gear to deal with him.
- People cheered and danced in the streets despite claiming a huge pandemic was killing everyone, then immediately went back out dancing.
- A 78-year-old man wins the presidency and everybody's in the street dancing and sneezing on each other during a disease outbreak.
- Anyone over 30 with more than five friends is severely mentally ill because they're addicted to having friends.
- Tim was once grabbed by a teenager who put him and his brother in a car trunk, drove them around in freezing weather for an hour, and dropped them in an unknown location.
- The teenager who kidnapped Tim later died on 9/11.
- 1 min
Tim wraps the interview segment, thanking Melanie and having her give her Instagram handle.
2moments
- Melanie Angler's Instagram handle is melody_english_yeah
- Tim mentions he's into a podcast right now but doesn't want to talk too much about it
Melanie Angler
- 12 min
The 500-Pound Weight Loss Podcast Obsession
#Tim describes his bizarre fascination with an obscure, deadpan weight-loss podcast hosted by a 500-pound man from Long Island, detailing surreal moments like a guest's tragic health monologue met with "who doesn't" and an argument about "under-eating."
10moments
- Tim discovers a 500-pound Long Island comedian's weight loss podcast with almost no views on YouTube, becoming apparently its only regular listener.
- The host treats it entirely without humor, just dryly recounting his meals and Weight Watchers points in every episode.
- A natural food chef guest launches into a 10-minute monologue about his past health crisis—crohn's, rashes, friends dying—while the podcast host says nothing.
- When the chef mentions eating doughnuts and maple bars, the host's only response is 'who doesn't,' completely missing the weight of what was just disclosed.
- The host occasionally announces he's ranked number four in health and fitness podcasts in Cameroon, thanking listeners there while Tim is likely his only American audience.
- The host reports being too fat to babysit his nephew until now, and celebrates that he's 'turning the corner' by finally being allowed to watch him.
- There's never an attempt at humor—just solemn, serious accounting of his weekly weight loss progress, which paradoxically makes it funnier than most comedy.
- Tim describes the podcast as potentially Andy Kaufman-level performance art, uncertain whether the host understands he's creating something brilliant.
- His sister-in-law tells him he's eating too much food; he deadpan argues back that most days he's actually under his Weight Watchers points while visibly overweight and getting mad.
- Tim declares it his favorite podcast despite the host being admittedly a nasty guy, preferring its strange sincerity to mainstream comedy with punchlines.
Andy KaufmanChristopher GuestWeight WatchersThe King of Comedy
- 10 min
Reflecting on His Own Weight and Sobriety Journey
#Tim connects the weight-loss podcast to his own struggles with weight fluctuation, sobriety, and why he stopped attending AA meetings, including a riff on fake "L.A. sober" people who still do everything but drink.
12moments
- Tim is fascinated by a weight-loss podcast where the host never deviates into any other topics, just tracking progress week to week.
- The host never even mentions the pandemic, civil war, or any major events—just stays singularly focused on weight loss.
- Tim reflects that all comedians are tragic by nature, and the best comedy comes from that fundamental brokenness.
- Listening to the podcast while eating a Flamin' Hot Cheeto and wondering how many points it has becomes a compulsive habit.
- The host resists the urge to make jokes, which Tim respects—it would ruin the show if he tried to be funny.
- Tim can't figure out what he's listening to, but he cannot stop and has become the show's primary listener.
- These are the kind of podcasts Tim genuinely enjoys—ones that shouldn't exist but do because someone just shows up with a mic.
- Most bad podcasts fail because the host thinks they're interesting when they're not, which alienates Tim as a listener.
- The weight-loss podcast is so pointless that Tim can't even call it bad—it's just inexplicable why it exists or why he can't stop listening.
- Tim is trying to lose 40 pounds and get healthier because he's now a godfather to a friend's son whose parents are degenerates.
- As a fat guy, Tim understands the yo-yoing cycle of weight loss and regain, especially the pattern of eating heavily after any romantic success.
- Tim quit drugs and alcohol but can't get rid of food the same way, which is why the podcast's earnest approach resonates with him.
Weight WatchersGary VaynerchukJenna FriedmanFake business
- 5 min
Praising the Podcast and Its Sponsors
#Tim continues defending his love for the deadpan weight-loss podcast, noting its lack of humor is what makes it great, and mentions it's sponsored by meal bars and a deli.
10moments
- Tim claims to be a big podcaster and that this show is his show.
- Weight struggles and going back and forth—Tim was 235 pounds at his heaviest while drinking, now 180-185.
- Tim reveals he was actually 330 to 340 pounds at his biggest.
- The host's Thanksgiving bit about eating and family taking over your life is cited as particularly compelling.
- Tim stopped going to AA and explains his reservations about sitting in a room discussing booze for 40 years.
- AA has a five percent success rate, but Tim credits it with teaching him skills he then moved on from.
- AA meetings are super depressing and reminded Tim of church, which he did for 21 years and found upsetting.
- Attending an AA meeting ruins drinking for casual drinkers but is necessary acknowledgment for alcoholics.
- Tim has a recurring joke about LA sobriety where people claim to be sober while smoking pot, doing shrooms, and casually mentioning other drugs.
- Tim says he's only said nice things about the podcast and doesn't want to plug it.
- 3 min
Tim reads a Sheath Underwear ad that spirals into a dark, absurd riff about the founder Robert being a war criminal who committed atrocities in Iraq, including a graphic invented story about a dog.
7moments
- Sheath Underwear sponsorship pitch and description of the pouch design.
- Owner Robert got the idea for Sheath in Iraq, where military personnel used mummification material for corpses that inspired the underwear concept.
- Tim respects Robert's ability to be inspired by his environment and create something great.
- Tim finds it inspiring that Robert has never been court-martialed or sent to The Hague for war crimes.
- Robert's quote: 'Terrorists have no age,' which justified his approach to total war in Iraqi towns.
- Robert would walk around Fallujah shooting children in the face, demonstrating his commitment to winning.
- Story of Robert raping a dog in front of a family in Iraq and breaking its neck during the act.
Sheath UnderwearRobert
- 1 min
Tim reads a straightforward Gabi car/home insurance comparison ad, mentioning average customer savings and how easy it is to link accounts.
3moments
- Car insurance companies are ripping you off—it's just the way it is.
- Gabi customers save an average of $961 per year.
- Tim had his business guy run the comparison and found it easy.
- 9 min
NYC Gentrification, Cop Defunding, and the Death of Art
#Tim and Ben riff on wealthy young activists tweeting about defunding police while living in gentrified NYC, then pivot into a long bit about how modern culture has produced no great art despite the turmoil of recent years.
16moments
- Tim on the comedy of a 120-pound Vermont kid tweeting that we don't need cops while getting raped to death on the Williamsburg Bridge.
- You get all the violence and poverty of New York but none of the art.
- Tim's boss predicted Trump's election might spark an age of great art like punk, but nothing came true despite how amped up both sides have been.
- No one's made anything of substance on either side—it would be great to bring Duke Ellington back and ask what he does now for eight hours every day.
- The collapse of art is so total and absolute you can't imagine it coming back; nobody would even recognize a seminal work if someone made one now.
- An Amazon Prime original could be the next Godfather and we wouldn't know it because we'd all be saying this sucks, I want to watch Cobra Kai.
- Tim jokes about Cobra Kai needing a fourth dojo run by a morbidly obese Black woman named Shamika to satisfy diversity complaints.
- The problem isn't that there aren't enough fat people in Baywatch—you want to watch hot lifeguards, not representation lectures.
- Growing up seeing fat kids on Baywatch would have made us confident sociopaths, so the diversity push is actually helping society.
- Tim questions when mainstream culture decided that if corporations don't represent you in ads, you don't matter.
- Home Improvement taught us we'd be idiots caught by our wives every week—what inspiration was that supposed to provide.
- Roseanne's family was broke with no money and opened a loose meat restaurant; what did we learn except to work at a diner and eventually fall for QAnon.
- Mr. Belvedere featured a middle-aged British man just living in a house with a family that clearly wasn't rich enough to have a butler, implying something was off.
- Harry and the Hendersons had a Sasquatch living in the house—no amount of racial diversity casting would fix that premise.
- Step by Step was a blended family where everyone hated each other because of a messy divorce, the kind of thing you tell drug addicts trying to get clean.
- Friends sold the lie that you could live in New York City, be a failed actor, afford a huge apartment with no income, which doomed us all to failure.
artCobra KaiFriendsDuke EllingtonNew YorkBaywatchHome ImprovementMr. Belvedere+8 more
- 9 min
Cobra Kai Diversity, Baywatch, and Toxic 90s Sitcom Lessons
#Extended riff mocking calls for more diversity in Cobra Kai, comparing it absurdly to wanting fat lifeguards on Baywatch, then expanding into how sitcoms like Home Improvement, Roseanne, Mr. Belvedere, Step by Step, and Friends gave society unrealistic and destructive life lessons.
11moments
- Asians didn't need a sitcom version because they're doing great and don't need nine roommates to remember to buy milk.
- Seeing yourself reflected on TV is maybe the worst thing in the world—Dennis Franz made you think you could be a fat racist cop, Beverly Hills 90210 made you think you could play a teenager at 35.
- Reality TV created a cycle: people grow up watching reality shows, get onto reality shows, have kids, get diabetes, and nobody knows how it ends.
- Tim and Ben toured a high-end apartment building in Century City to see what luxury marketing looks like.
- The realtor led with complimentary breakfast as the main selling point, as if treating a fat person—eggs, bacon, bagels, and lox to come after COVID ends.
- Ben was offered a gym and lap pool tour while Tim got shown a screening room where he could lock himself away from good-looking people outside.
- The apartment complex features a butler service that brings food directly to your unit so you don't have to be seen storming downstairs like an angry rhinoceros.
- A.A. Gill, a Scottish travel writer for the Sunday Times and Vanity Fair, wrote a brilliant article called 'Condos of the Living Dead' about high-end apartment marketing.
- Gill described salespeople selling a lifestyle of brushed steel and marble in apartments with hundred-thousand-dollar kitchens that no one will ever toast more than a bagel in.
- Steve Bing, a screenwriter and producer who hung out with Bill Clinton and Rob Lowe, jumped to his death from a building at 10,000 Santa Monica because he was broke.
- Tim speculates that Steve Bing may have called Bill Clinton about their shared bad deeds before his suicide.
- 7 min
Touring Steve Bing's Suicide Apartment
#Tim recounts touring a luxury Santa Monica apartment building with Ben, encountering a beautiful sales rep, riffing on Kobe's article "Condos of the Living Dead," and discovering their toured unit was where Hollywood producer Steve Bing jumped to his death.
12moments
- Tim imagines Bill Clinton calling Steve Bing to cryptically tell him "this is just not the same Steve we knew."
- Real estate agent's sales pitch included mention of Mossad and whether she'd turn off cameras to have someone thrown off the balcony.
- Tim asks the real estate agent where Steve Bing jumped, and she reveals it's the unit they're currently touring on the 27th floor.
- When Tim says at least Bing had a view of the Pacific, the agent replies without missing a beat that he could also see all of downtown.
- Tim notes how broke Steve Bing must have been at the end—so desperate that a podcaster might rent his apartment.
- Tim jokes about renting the apartment and killing himself the same way, turning it into the apartment where everybody dies.
- Fictional real estate agent confesses she pushed Steve Bing off the balcony for a hundred thousand dollars while the security cameras were off.
- Tim confirms the 27th-floor location is definitively accurate—Steve Bing did jump from that specific balcony.
- Tim reads about Bing's circumstances: the quarantine was affecting him, he was coming up on the anniversary of his girlfriend's overdose.
- Steve Bing wrote Kangaroo Jack as his solo screenplay, which Tim describes as a stunning failure and embarrassment.
- Bing also co-wrote Con Air, which is a good movie, making it his most impressive credited work.
- Tim draws a connection between Con Air—where convicts take over a plane—and 9/11, suggesting an ominous link to what came after.
Steve BingKangaroo JackCon AirBill Clinton
- 4 min
Steve Bing's Hollywood Career and Conspiracy Riffing
#Tim and Ben discuss Steve Bing's screenwriting credits (Kangaroo Jack, Con Air, Rules Don't Apply), his Rat Pack-style Hollywood friendships, and joke about lazy QAnon-style conspiracy connections, including a jab about Tom Hanks and pedophile rumors.
8moments
- Tim explains how lazy modern conspiracy theories are: just make a vague connection and people start nodding along, superchat money rolls in.
- Steve Bing produced 'The Rules Don't Apply,' a Howard Hughes biopic directed by Warren Beatty that flopped.
- Warren Beatty's social circle in the 1980s included James Caan, Rob Lowe, Bill Clinton, Mick Jagger, and Ron Burkle, who allegedly ran a private plane called Air F*** One.
- Bing was close friends with Tom Hanks and invested $100 million in Polar Express.
- Tim won't accuse people of serious crimes without evidence, even though nothing would surprise him after investigating child trafficking cases with Nick Bryant.
- Conspiracy believers only care about 'saving children' as a way to attack the other side politically.
- Tim jokes that child rescue from tunnels is just cover for deregulating energy markets for Exxon.
- Tim says he wants to go heavy into Roblox tomorrow, prompting Ben to joke that no amount of money is ever enough for him.
Warren BeattySteve BingThe Rules Don't ApplyNick BryantTom HanksWho Took JohnnyPolar ExpressIsaac Kappy
- 5 min
Planning Ben's Wedding Menu and Guest List
#Tim quizzes Ben about the details of his upcoming wedding""barbecue, Blue Bell ice cream, guest count around 60""and jokes about wanting to get blackout drunk and interrogate his own hypothetical spouse at the altar.
10moments
- Wedding venue is Green Hall outside Austin, and Tim is told not to publicly announce the location.
- Wine and beer will be served, specifically Shiner Bock and Lone Star, but no hard liquor.
- About 60 guests are expected, which Tim thinks is pretty big for a wedding.
- Tim jokes about wanting to relapse on drugs and alcohol an hour before his own wedding to turn it into a bit.
- Tim describes getting sauced up before marrying someone and demanding they prove they love him while threatening to dismiss the assembled guests.
- He'd hire a priest despite calling them pedophiles, then tell the priest to shut up during the ceremony.
- Ben and Katie are already officially married, so they're skipping the traditional church ceremony structure.
- Tim hopes Katie's father gives a speech that turns into a full conspiracy rant about Trump being the real president and the country being in a war against Satan.
- Tim decides not to give a speech at the wedding because it's weird when a public figure like him talks at someone's wedding.
- Ben invites Tim to give a speech anyway, and Tim agrees to do it.
- 3 min
Tim's Mock Wedding Speech for Ben and Katie
#Tim performs an improvised, self-deprecating mock wedding speech apologizing to Ben and Katie for being a burden on their friendship, riffing on past incidents like yelling at Ben over a car.
10moments
- Tim met Ben and Katie years ago and lived in their small room, showering there and increasing their water bill.
- Tim and Ben smoked cigarettes all night watching Alex Jones while Katie worried about where things were heading.
- Tim says he lays in bed every night calling himself a scumbag for taking advantage of the couple.
- Tim yelled at Ben when he was late and apologizes publicly for raising his voice.
- Ben offered his car for Tim's road test but said it was on empty, suggesting Tim tell the instructor they had ninety miles left.
- Tim threatened to bash Ben's skull and called him a drunk, despite Ben being two years sober at the time.
- Tim describes himself as a scary pig who comes in and ruins everybody's life.
- Tim toasts Ben and Katie, claiming they wish he died and hope to inherit his money.
- Tim will spend the wedding alone with Blue Bell ice cream, listening to the fiddle band and eating barbecue while watching others with love in their lives.
- Tim plugs the podcast's Patreon to close out the mock wedding speech.
- 6 min
Plans to Upstage the Wedding and Never Being a Best Man
#Tim jokes about wanting to overshadow the wedding by claiming credit for it, discusses never having been a best man or attending many weddings, and reminisces about skipping ceremonies for the food.
9moments
- Tim describes his fantasy of standing up at the wedding to claim he made the entire event happen and that it's actually his day.
- He insists the wedding was paid for by him, so he wants to recite the vows after the couple to reassert his dominance.
- Tim says he'd bring a random 20-year-old to marry right there on the spot as his own wedding during their ceremony.
- Tim wasn't planning to go to the guest's last wedding, citing a rough patch in their friendship around the time he was building out the dark studio.
- His goal is to give them a present so nice that they both feel horrible and it asserts his dominance like a Stephen King billionaire character.
- Tim might stand up at the reception and announce what expensive gift he gave them to make sure everyone knows about his present.
- His backup plan for the best present: fire the guest from the show and bring Lisa instead.
- Lisa fell asleep on his live stream on Twitch, which Tim thinks is hilarious and would absolutely watch as a format.
- Tim says he's excited about the wedding and confirms it's going to be quick and painless.
- 2 min
Announcing a Fake Gender Transition at the Wedding
#Tim escalates the bit about upstaging the wedding by proposing he announce a fake sex-change surgery and reveal a fake vagina to shock the guests, comparing it to Amy Schumer's pregnancy announcement stunt.
5moments
- Tim proposes getting married the same day as his friend, marrying Jake Paul in Miami.
- Guest list would include Debbie, Jake from the dark web episode, and John Key from Abilene.
- Many people can't make it due to cost—weddings are expensive with travel, hotel, plus a thousand dollars just for tickets.
- Tim admits he hasn't been invited to many weddings, which saddens him.
- At Russo's on the Bay in Brooklyn, Tim showed up for cocktail hour and dinner, then left without really sticking around.
Russo's on the BayJake Paul
- 14 min
Inviting TT Jerry, Who Sucked Off Son of Sam
#Tim plans to invite "TT Jerry," a trans woman recently interviewed by Christie Stefano who claims to have had oral sex with Son of Sam and known Tupac in prison, and wants her to tell the story at Ben's wedding.
24moments
- Tim hasn't been to many weddings and has never been a best man or part of the wedding party.
- Everyone in comedy is a loser and nobody gets married; Tim describes a roommate's wedding in a basketball gymnasium in Staten Island with hero sandwiches.
- Tim skipped his friend Joe's wedding in New Orleans to headline a comedy room he'd been offered last-minute.
- Tim's cousins aren't getting married because they're on heroin, which he describes as them finding something they love.
- Tim is the most successful cousin in his family: a gay, ex-cocaine addict clown.
- Stefano recently interviewed TT Jerry, a transgender woman who was imprisoned with Tupac and performed oral sex on Son of Sam in prison.
- Tim wants to bring TT Jerry to his wedding and have her give a speech about sucking off Son of Sam in front of Ben's Christian parents.
- Tim didn't invite Noah or some other guys to the wedding because it's time to tighten up the circle, referencing Beanie Sigel.
- Devin and other friends are invited but Tim's giving them the option not to come; they responded by thanking him for not making them feel obligated.
- The wedding budget is around $800,000, similar in size to Sal Volcano's wedding; Tim offered to pay for it when he found out it was only $1,800.
- The wedding involves a van of barbecue food in a field; Tim is wondering if he should wear a cowboy hat.
- Amy Schumer announced her pregnancy at another comic's wedding to steal attention; Tim jokingly proposes announcing his transition or showing his inverted penis at Ben's wedding.
- Tim is committed to bringing TT Jerry as his date and paying her $20,000 to tell the Son of Sam story at the wedding in front of Ben's Christian parents.
- TT Jerry is the woman Chris Stefano just interviewed; she's a gangster and doesn't have much else going on but will make a splash at the wedding.
- Tim jokingly imagines TT Jerry sucking off Katie's father at the wedding and telling him she also sucked off Son of Sam.
- The wedding will feature barbecue, peach cobbler, and Blue Bell ice cream; they're deciding between Franklin Barbecue and another place.
- TT Jerry will be Ben's best woman and flower girl.
- Tim reflects that Ben is the closest friend he's ever had who got married; Tim didn't feel bad about not giving a gift to another friend's wedding.
- Tim skipped the church part of Salvacana's wedding but showed up for the food.
- Mike Lawrence's wedding was in a backyard with food cooked by his mom, which was very good.
- Ben is like a brother to Tim; Tim realized most people actually hate their siblings.
- Tim speculates that close families like the Maxwells might have something suspicious going on, and notes that Dylan and Ronan Farrow seem close.
- Tim wants to see TT Jerry on Joe Rogan's podcast and imagines her opening with the fact that she sucked off Son of Sam.
- Tim plans to introduce TT Jerry to wedding guests on the buffet line by explaining she sucked off Son of Sam in prison.
Son of SamAmy SchumerMike LawrenceRichard SpencerLittle St JamesBlue BellBeanie SigelDylan Farrow+6 more