Episode 242 · The Ben Avery Era
#242 - You're Money Now | The Tim Dillon Show
Mar 7, 2021 · 1:04:47 · 619,000 views · 12 segments, 87 moments indexed
From Royersford, Pennsylvania, this week Tim dives deep into Lindsay Lohan's NFT's (Non-Fungible Tokens), Mr. Cuomo meatball himself, society burrowing deeper into the digital world, and new disclaimers before classic Hollywood films.
Watch on YouTubeDiscuss on Reddit
- 1 min
Cold Open: Broadcasting from a Royersford Airbnb Dome
#Tim opens by explaining the makeshift studio setup in an Airbnb in Royersford, PA, ahead of standup shows in a heated dome, and complains about having to leave his home studio.
3moments
- Tim welcomes the audience to the show broadcasting live from an Airbnb dome in Royersford, Pennsylvania instead of the usual studio.
- He notes that audio-only episodes anger the audience, so they've set up a makeshift studio in a rented Airbnb instead.
- Tim will be performing standup comedy in a heated dome in a field in Royersford for three nights before flying back to Texas.
Royersford, PennsylvaniaTexas
- 5 min
Pennsylvania Food, Wawa, and Les Wexner's Real Business
#He trashes Pennsylvania's food culture (Wawa, Tastykake, cheesesteaks), recounts a Wawa pudding story with Dan Soder, and pivots to praising Les Wexner for building an actual business compared to today's crypto grifters, leading into mocking Lindsay Lohan's foray into NFTs.
8moments
- Pennsylvania is one of the most worthless states in the union; the food is atrocious and comes out of gas stations.
- Wawa is just a gas station that has meatballs, and Tim understands the appeal but doesn't think it's worthy of the reverence people give it.
- Tim recalls a road trip with Dan Soder where they bought chocolate pudding with cookie dough bits at Wawa.
- Dan Soder now drives 45 minutes to get cheesesteaks with Cheez Whiz on a hoagie roll and drives back.
- The tour has hit a string of de-industrialized, opioid-addicted hellholes, but the comedy has been really good.
- Les Wexner at least built a real business like Victoria's Secret, unlike modern billionaires who just deal in gimmicks like Bitcoin.
- Lindsay Lohan now has a non-fungible token, which is just a scam to bang her fans over the head.
- Lindsay Lohan's NFT artwork is just her holding up an Ethereum diamond covering her eye.
Lindsay LohanPennsylvaniaLes WexnerWawaVictoria's SecretDan SoderElon MuskPhiladelphia+3 more
- 15 min
The Great NFT Explainer: Lindsay Lohan, Kings of Leon, and Owning the 9/11 GIF
#A long riff (with Ben helping explain mechanics) on NFTs as a tax scam, covering Lindsay Lohan's $17k token, Kings of Leon selling an album NFT, Mark Cuban's dancing gif, Soulja Boy, the Nyan Cat GIF sale, and escalating hypothetical NFTs of Ghislaine Maxwell, OJ Simpson, Morgan Wallen's slur, and even a 9/11 conspiracy GIF.
13moments
- Tim identifies Lindsay Lohan's NFT sale as a tax scam.
- He preemptively defends a potential Tim Dillon Show NFT as legitimate while calling others scams.
- Tim criticizes Brett Easton Ellis for pitching a Patreon podcast instead of accepting a show appearance offer.
- NFTs represent the era of fake business Tim warned about—selling nothing with no actual value.
- Kings of Leon sold an album as an NFT for six million dollars.
- Tim questions what ownership means if everyone can still listen to an album he supposedly owns.
- The tax scam mechanism: sell one NFT at a set price, donate the rest, write off the loss as a charitable deduction.
- Tim wonders if canceled celebrities like Kevin Spacey and Harvey Weinstein could use NFTs to rehabilitate their images.
- He imagines owning Morgan Wallen's N-word slur as an NFT that he could brag about to friends.
- Tim compares old robber barons building bridges and railroads to modern billionaires like Mark Cuban selling dancing GIFs and Elon Musk blowing up spaceships.
- Neon Cat, a pop-tart cat GIF, sold as an NFT for $477,000.
- Tim jokes that the CIA should sell NFTs of torture and 9/11 conspiracy content for hundreds of thousands of dollars.
- Tim views NFTs as an interesting but absurd development in the economic cycle of America.
Lindsay LohanBrett Easton EllisMark CubanDave PortnoyElon MuskGhislaine MaxwellKings of LeonSave the Children+4 more
- 3 min
Sponsor reads for Magic Spoon cereal (new flavors, discount code) and Manscaped grooming products (spring break, discount code), with brief riffing on flavors and STD jokes.
4moments
- Tim jokes about building your own box with cereal, pivoting to a comparison about building your own gender.
- Manscaped pitch begins with Tim promoting the grooming tool for spring break and pants parties.
- Tim claims Manscaped protects against STDs and AIDS, making the joke that you don't need condoms or PrEP if you shave with it.
- Texas is open at 100% capacity with no masks, and Tim expresses he doesn't care about new variants.
- 2 min
Airbnb Host Drama and the Fake Furniture Accusation
#Tim recounts the Airbnb hosts publicly accusing him of trashing their home and breaking furniture, calling him slurs, and thanks Joe Rogan for weighing in on his side.
3moments
- Airbnb hosts accuse Tim of calling them fat, which they claim is ableist, while also calling him a desert dyke and threatening to burn his house down.
- Tim reads their claim that his furniture looks like it was made by drug addicts and sarcastically thanks Joe Rogan for backing him up.
- Tim accuses the hosts of being slimy for trying to ally themselves with Joe Rogan.
- 11 min
Road Life, Dying Comedians, and the State of Comedy Clubs
#He reflects on the grind of touring comedy, sobriety on the road, comedians who die from the lifestyle (Greg Giraldo, Patrice O'Neal), unhealthy club food, gay men not attending comedy clubs, and a long digression on how comedy clubs and malls feel outdated and haven't evolved.
11moments
- Tim discusses 11 years of sobriety and why touring comedians struggle to stay sober on the road.
- Many road comedians never build a fanbase outside touring and die obscurely, citing Greg Geraldo and Patrice O'Neal as examples.
- Tim rejects constant touring, planning only four mini-tours per year instead of 35-40 weeks on the road.
- Comedy club food is unhealthy, and gay men avoid comedy clubs entirely, making them a poor business investment.
- Most comedy club staff are depressing people with lives full of successive horrors, constantly unloading their problems in green rooms.
- Comedy clubs are one of the last bastions of free speech, but many are in malls and genuinely not great spaces.
- Bonkers comedy club in Florida is located in a hotel conference room, where people persuaded from the Gator Park perform on makeshift stages.
- Comedy clubs haven't evolved since the 1980s and resemble high-end bowling alleys rather than cool venues.
- American malls are dated relics where people walk around like in Alcatraz, filled with generically-named racist Chinese restaurants and cheap food courts.
- Reopening reveals America is decrepit and shocked—the country looks like a cancer patient on dialysis with late-stage venereal disease.
- Even casual restaurant chains look run-down after pandemic closures, and cities like Cleveland with steel mills just look gross and smogy.
- 5 min
Post-Pandemic Reopening Horrors: Restaurants, Traffic, and Office Life Returning
#A sustained rant imagining all the annoying, mundane parts of normal life returning as COVID restrictions lift — bad restaurant service, traffic, office coworkers, Thanksgiving with weird relatives, and darkly predicts a return of school shootings.
10moments
- Tim compares returning to normal society after lockdown to encountering someone you haven't seen in a while — you both look bad and ask if each other is okay.
- Waitresses will be shaking while serving food because nobody has had any money and everyone spent it on Soulja Boy NFTs.
- Crime is rising everywhere except online, though it is also rising online, and school shootings returned as soon as indoor classes started.
- Restaurant failures are coming back: forgotten balsamic vinaigrette, appetizers and entrees arriving at the same time, long lines at the car wash.
- Crowded public transportation, movie theaters, and diners full of divorced dads trying to bond with sons who hate them will all return.
- Tim dreads Thanksgiving happening again — sitting with Aunt QAnon and Uncle who touches you while choking down mashed potatoes.
- Office life is returning: coworkers like Dorene will be back, and Chuck will corner you in the breakroom talking about The Americans and communist spies.
- Schools reopening will make it easier for kids to get heroin and other drugs, and daughters will contract venereal diseases or get shot by antisocial Bitcoin-reading kids.
- Traffic and commutes are already coming back — long drives past billboards of televangelists and healthcare companies that denied you, followed by office monotony and overpriced lattes.
- Tim concludes by sarcastically encouraging everyone to open everything up without worrying about the consequences.
- 8 min
Learning to Need No One: Friendship, Family, and Craving a New Pandemic Strain
#Tim muses on realizing he doesn't need most relationships after a year of isolation, jokes about dreading seeing his mother and family again, and jokes about praying for a new COVID variant to avoid social obligations, plus a riff on immigrant detention centers and NFT-ing children out of cages.
10moments
- Tim says he'd kill himself when forced to see his friends again, unlike young people killing themselves from having no friends.
- Not having friends is a mark of virtue and actually biblical—Christ didn't have any friends.
- Tim predicts people will immediately start complaining about reopening once stores get crowded again.
- LA traffic is back and people are throwing piñatas on Malibu beaches now that everything has reopened.
- Tim's mother is locked in a nursing home and he's only been able to wave at her through the window and suggest NFTs.
- If you didn't talk to someone over the past year, the pandemic showed you didn't actually need them.
- All Tim needs is Ben and 500,000 domestic terrorists watching on the other side of the camera.
- Tim prays every day for a new pandemic strain to avoid having to see people and attend Thanksgiving.
- When you let kids out of the ICE cage, many say it sucked inside but wherever they're put next is also bad.
- Tim asks if immigrant children detained at the border could be sold as NFTs to raise money to release them.
- 5 min
Sponsor reads for Raycon wireless earbuds and BlueChew erectile dysfunction chewables, with brief riffing about Apple culty behavior and quarantine hookups.
9moments
- Celebrities use Raycon headphones, which Tim identifies as what's important.
- BlueChew is the move now that quarantine's being lifted and people are going back out.
- Tim asks what the limits are to NFTs and when it all ends.
- People could buy a private prison in the digital world and free the digital people inside it.
- Tim describes people escaping fully into the digital world while reopening, realizing they have nothing to do in the real world.
- The only option left is to listen to Tim Dylan yell in a bowling alley or drive to a shitty strip mall office to rob people of healthcare.
- They just elected a humanitarian in the game, which seems to be society's only viable option for political change.
- Everyone's being allowed back out, but everything that matters is now digital and they don't accept physical money anymore.
- Someone with only an eighth of a Bitcoin and a Soulja Boy NFT tries to pay for a dentist visit with Mark Cuban gifs.
AppleBlue ChewRayconDecentralandLindsay LohanMark CubanSoulja Boy
- 8 min
Digital Real Estate, Freeing Prisoners in Video Games, and Twitter's Subscription Future
#He riffs on digital real estate in games like Decentraland, jokes about freeing digital prisoners as a substitute for real activism, and discusses Twitter's shift toward a Patreon-style subscription model and its purge of accounts.
10moments
- Twitter is becoming a Patreon-style platform where users pay $5/month to see special VIP tweets from creators.
- Tim argues that paying for exclusive tweets will inevitably become a vehicle for racism and slurs disguised as special content.
- Disney is using AI to identify problematic content in films and adding disclaimers before movies like Gone with the Wind and Aladdin.
- Tim questions whether genies and magic carpets in Aladdin are actually harmful stereotypes, noting Arabs would probably prefer those to post-9/11 alternatives.
- The Jungle Book, Dumbo, and Aladdin all require new Disney content warnings for negative cultural depictions.
- Tim compares Mowgli's character favorably to other children's characters, calling him cool for living in the jungle with a bear rather than being a pasty British kid eating candy.
- Dr. Seuss books are being removed partly because the Grinch was supposedly Jewish, with the character's name being Barry Cohen.
- Tim promotes his tour dates and expresses enthusiasm for non-fungible tokens as a legitimate way to support artists.
- Tim sarcastically celebrates billionaires selling GIFs of themselves dancing and people blowing up spaceships while others live in poverty.
- Tim's closing advice: buy real estate in the game online and free the people in the prison online.
Disney PlusTwitterAladdinDr. SeussGone with the WindDumboThe Jungle BookThe Chronicles of Narnia
- 3 min
Disney's Racism Disclaimers on Aladdin, Jungle Book, and the Grinch
#Tim mocks Disney Plus adding disclaimers before Aladdin, The Jungle Book, and Gone with the Wind for 'harmful stereotypes,' argues the magic carpet stereotype is actually flattering, and jokes about Dr. Seuss's Grinch supposedly being Jewish.
4moments
- Lindsay Lohan sold an NFT for $17,000 and Tim argues that buyers should be allowed to kidnap her.
- Andrew Cuomo's sexual misconduct overshadowed his actual corruption and nursing home deaths, Tim says.
- Tim suggests Cuomo should release an NFT of himself grabbing a woman to make it all acceptable.
- Converting COVID deaths into NFTs and tradeable currency is inevitable and should excite people, Tim argues.
- 1 min
Tour Dates and Closing NFT Optimism
#He plugs upcoming tour dates on timdillon.com, reiterates fake enthusiasm for reopening and NFTs, and jokes about buying/selling NFTs of COVID deaths as currency.
2moments
- Tim announces they're doing a guest episode, but the guest didn't show up.
- He's trying to remember the guest's name—a comedian.
Cristia