Episode 236 · The Ben Avery Era
Classic tier — a personal pick, not a popularity ranking#236 - I Love My Family | The Tim Dillon Show
Jan 24, 2021 · 1:16:12 · 666,000 views · 15 segments, 129 moments indexed
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- 11 min
Aunt Kathleen's Instagram Attack (Birthday Rant)
#Tim opens the show furious about a nasty Instagram comment from his Aunt Kathleen invoking his grandfather's legacy on his birthday, and unleashes an escalating tirade about her faked overdoses, fake suicide attempt, fake lawyer basement office, drug use, and general dysfunction.
19moments
- Tim opens the show on his birthday, announcing he's turning 17 and promising to take life seriously.
- He posted a photo of himself as a pig from an old sketch on Instagram with a birthday caption.
- His aunt Kathleen commented that he has his grandfather's name but doesn't care about his legacy.
- Tim recalls Kathleen faking a drug overdose and being taken to the hospital in an ambulance in front of their mother.
- Kathleen took grandfather's money for law school, never practiced law, and was fired from multiple firms.
- Her father set up a fake law office in the basement so she could pretend to be an attorney.
- Tim details how Kathleen borrowed money from more successful siblings and never paid it back while doing drugs.
- He blocked her from the family group chat after getting a new phone to avoid her constant complaining about dishes at family parties.
- He characterizes Kathleen as a drug addict who behaves inappropriately around children in a way that makes people suspicious.
- Tim pivots to discussing the fake business mug merchandise, which is still available until the 28th.
- Tim contrasts his grandfather's daily work ethic with Kathleen's unemployment, theft, and faking of drug overdoses.
- She was sending updates to the family group chat about trivial matters like who got their driver's license.
- Kathleen claimed she would give him a piece of her mind if they bumped into each other, but Tim points out she never leaves the house.
- A pig photo from a sketch is a funny dumb joke, while Kathleen is a disgusting nightmare nobody wants to be around.
- Tim says she's out of her mind for bringing up their grandfather on his Instagram in a negative way.
- He concludes the rant by saying this segment wasn't the whole show but wanted to air how he feels about her.
- Tim notes that Kathleen can't actually sue him because she's not a real lawyer working from a basement with pretend clients.
- He brings up her belief in Trump and QAnon conspiracy theories, noting she couldn't storm the Capitol because she's never left the house.
- Tim warns that if Kathleen comes at him again on social media, he will continue publicly calling her a scumbag to his large audience.
Candace OwensJoe RoganDonald TrumpRosemary KennedyEli RothFake business
- 8 min
Reflections on the Aunt Rant, Sociopaths, and Walking in the Light of Christ
#Tim claims to want the best for his aunt, riffs on his other aunt's bird-watching call about the Biden inauguration, argues nothing changed from Trump to Biden, and pivots into a riff about how sociopaths get an unfair reputation while emotional fragility is celebrated.
13moments
- Tim values friends and family as the important things in life, then pivots to telling listeners to cut out toxic relatives.
- Aunt Donna called after Biden's inauguration while bird-watching and saw a hawk—Tim notes she wasted four years of her life watching CNN instead of appreciating nature like that.
- Nothing meaningful changed between Trump and Biden in hours or days, yet Tim would prefer an executive order to put his aunt in a mental institution.
- Tim's grandfather was deeply respected, making it particularly messed up to insult him on Tim's birthday the way his aunt did.
- Tim ridicules his aunt by claiming he lives in a $190 million estate in Beverly Hills, then struggles to remember the fictional neighborhood name.
- Tim's mother once saw her ballerina sister backstage chugging booze at age 12 or 13, continuing the pattern of family dysfunction.
- The Irish have lots of problems that Tim loves them despite, and his aunt needs to clean up her act.
- Tim announces his new identity as Tim Muhammad Steincohen, converting to both Islam and Judaism in Los Angeles while straddling the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
- Tim's criticism of his aunt comes from wanting the best for her and is proportional—he may expect legal threats despite believing in free speech.
- His aunt's comment was inappropriate and her unstable life doesn't qualify her to critique someone just trying to make people laugh.
- Tim questions whether his aunt, who worked for the DA putting drug addicts in jail and provided legal cover for FBI torture of Iraqi teenagers, can sleep at night.
- Tim tells his aunt not to kill herself, noting she'll probably fake it the way she did last time.
- Tim asks to legally change his name to Tim Muhammad Steincohen and hints at reconnecting with a new family.
the IrishJordan PetersonRidge Wallet
- 5 min
Becoming Tim Muhammad Steincohen
#Tim jokingly announces he's abandoning his Irish identity to convert to Islam and Judaism, renaming himself Tim Muhammad Steincohen, and riffs on ethnic stereotypes while disowning his family further.
11moments
- Tim wants to be Persian and a jeweler, hates how everyone has become too emotional.
- People are so emo that sociopaths get a bad rap for being able to compartmentalize emotions.
- Tim observes men as fragile ice castles ready to melt and questions what society gains from that.
- Women are told to be girl bosses and step on men's necks while men are called toxic for any aggression or competitiveness.
- Everyone should be allowed to compartmentalize and be tough instead of falling apart emotionally.
- A woman lectured him about smoking a cigarette while she was smoking, exposing cognitive dissonance in her drug-addled brain.
- Tim questions whether someone commenting negatively on his Instagram is walking in the light of Christ.
- Tim's friend said his father would never die because he's had no stress from not caring about anything, torturing everyone around him forever.
- Tim regrets his tirade at the start of the show but refuses to edit it out for accountability and growth.
- He must learn from this, grow, change, and let hundreds of thousands hear the episode to spread understanding.
- Editing it out would mean never truly confronting those words and the disappointment in himself.
- 3 min
Accountability, Freedom, and Not Editing the Rant
#Tim mock-solemnly explains he won't edit out his opening tirade because he believes in accountability and freedom, encourages listeners to clip and spread it, and closes out the aunt saga with a final riff about his family being bog farmers.
8moments
- Tim explains he doesn't edit his rants because he wants to be accountable for his set.
- He describes his family as bog farmers and goes on a tangent about what a bog actually is.
- Tim acknowledges he has good family members he respects but is very open about his life, which isn't always comfortable for everyone.
- He announces he needs to change his phone number again before the episode drops to avoid his mother finding out what he said.
- Tim accuses a family member of attacking someone on their birthday on Instagram and declares he won't attend family events anymore.
- He pitches a film idea about Arabs and Jews in real estate and diamond businesses, contrasting them favorably with his Irish family.
- Tim says he loves Arabs and Jews, wishes he was one, and declares his hatred for Italians including himself.
- Segment continues with him elaborating on family resentments and business conduct.
family eventbog farmer
- 1 min
A read for BetterHelp online therapy, touting convenience, licensed counselors, and a discount code for listeners.
2moments
- Tim notes he has plenty of happiness-blocking problems, starting with no wi-fi in a house he's paying for.
- He expresses hope that his aunt takes advantage of BetterHelp's services.
- 1 min
A quick read for BlueChew erectile dysfunction chewables, touting discreet shipping and a promo code.
2moments
- BlueChew advertisement: chewable ED medication made in the USA, prescribed online by licensed physicians without a doctor visit.
- Tim's pitch: BlueChew contains the same FDA-approved ingredients as Viagra and Cialis, delivered discreetly to your door.
- 4 min
Larry King's Eight Marriages and the Lex Fridman Podcast
#Tim marks Larry King's death and jokes about his eight marriages, then discusses his marathon podcast appearance with Lex Fridman and the possibility of lecturing at MIT.
9moments
- Larry King married eight times to seven different women and kept wanting to get married anyway.
- Tim podcasted with Lex Fridman, a smart guy who asks great questions—fifteen or sixteen hours long.
- Lex offered Tim the chance to lecture at MIT when COVID ends, which Tim sees as spitting in the face of every academic who told him to stay in school.
- Tim tried to get a Goliath bird-eating spider, the largest spider in the world, to put on the studio desk.
- He called Ben about driving to Rancho Cucamonga to find a tarantula dealer in an office building there.
- Spiders freak people out because of how they move—nothing else moves like a spider does.
- This is the stage of quarantine where people are coming apart and considering things inconceivable just ten months ago.
- In LA things are still shut down, but other places are open and people are out.
- Joe Rogan and Elon Musk are in Austin, but Tim would only go if somebody there had any money.
Larry KingLex FridmanMITspidersRancho CucamongaElon MuskJoe Rogan
- 1 min
Elon Musk, Joe Rogan's Watch Gift, and Wanting Cash Instead
#Tim recounts emailing Elon Musk his Tesla rant, riffs on Elon's dismissive tweet, and mocks Joe Rogan gifting Lex Fridman a watch, saying he'd rather just get cash or free Airbnb use.
4moments
- Tim sent Elon a Tesla rant email in good faith and good fun.
- Tim suggests Joe Rogan should buy him a house instead of giving watches away.
- Lex Friedman got a watch from Joe Rogan on the show, which Tim finds unfair.
- Tim reads Lex's gushing tweet about receiving Rogan's favorite watch as one of the most special moments of his life.
- 8 min
The Spider Room in Rancho Cucamonga
#Tim and Ben recount visiting an exotic spider dealer in an office building in Rancho Cucamonga to buy a Goliath bird-eating spider, describing the venomous hair-flicking warning, the strange culture of exotic animal people, and the aborted purchase.
11moments
- Tim and Ben drive to the Spider Room in Rancho Cucamonga, a venomous spider rental operation hidden inside a nondescript office building.
- Running a venomous spider rental business out of a sublet office room is apparently a sign your company is doing well.
- Exotic animal enthusiasts are odd—people drawn to snakes and spiders tend to have something else going on in their lives.
- You never walk into a reptile shop and see a gorgeous person there; it's never a tan surfer deciding between the beach and buying Madagascar hissing cockroaches.
- The people in the exotic animal trade are like unsuccessful versions of Joe Exotic—there's a type of person drawn to venomous spiders.
- Tim asks if they have Brazilian wandering spiders, the world's most venomous spider, only to learn they're sold out in Rancho Cucamonga.
- Tim and Ben almost bought a Goliath spider, but the seller warns them the fangs are three-quarters of an inch and pierce bone.
- The spider flicks microscopic hairs as a defense mechanism that get stuck in your throat and eyes—the seller just had them in his for nine days.
- Feeding the Goliath requires weekly Madagascar hissing cockroaches, turning you into a different person the moment you decide to drive around with hissing cockroaches in your car.
- Tim's favorite internet argument: an entomologist says brown recluses don't exist in Southern California, and someone responds 'hey fuck you I was bitten in Woodland Hills.'
- After the spider room, Tim considers getting a puppy at an animal shelter, which he admits is not a fun way to get a dog—the animals are homeless four-year-olds and the staff also look like they need help.
the Spider RoomJoe ExoticDJ's ReptilesRancho Cucamonga
- 6 min
The Sad Puppy Adoption Trip
#Tim describes visiting an animal shelter looking for a dog, mocking the damaged rescue dogs, the humorless shelter staff, and admitting he only wants a purebred puppy because he knows he'd abandon a problem dog immediately.
10moments
- Tim describes visiting a dog adoption center where a returned husky had been abandoned by LA owners who wouldn't throw a frisbee with it.
- When asked about important dog qualities, Tim jokes one that can swallow the most cocaine, and the shelter worker does not appreciate the humor.
- Tim admits he's the guy who would bring a dog right back at the first sign of any problem.
- Shelter workers make every dog sound horrible when Tim shows up because they know he'll return it within hours.
- He explains he can't adopt a dog right now due to upcoming tour dates across Pennsylvania, Baltimore, Chicago, and Austin.
- Tim confesses he wants a purebred puppy who's very cute and happy, despite knowing this is controversial.
- Rescue dogs are losers and shouldn't be around children because many will attack them, Tim argues.
- Shelter workers should fabricate better origin stories for rescue dogs instead of saying they don't know where they came from.
- Purebred dogs have major health problems and short lifespans, so Tim wants a St. Bernard that only lives eight years.
- Tim calls rescue dogs homeless baby killers of uncertain origin that he wouldn't bring into his home, though COVID adoptions have reduced shelter executions.
rescue dogspuppy millsL.A.
- 10 min
The Case Against Rescuing Dogs (and Cats)
#Tim builds an elaborate bit arguing that animal shelters are the actual problem, that only breeders should be allowed to sell dogs, that rescuing an animal makes you a zoophile with a god complex, and that owning a dog at all signals you're not serious about succeeding.
11moments
- Tim proposes maybe outlawing dog rescues because of the risk to people and babies.
- Rescuing a dog means adopting a homeless, mentally ill animal into your home versus buying a purebred from a breeder with lineage.
- Dogs that haven't made the right choices should take responsibility—lost dogs without collars or chips should go to kill shelters.
- Animal shelters are the actual problem; they create a thriving business model that treats homeless pets like drug mules.
- Only people who can afford thousands of dollars from a breeder should get dogs, even though purebreds have health problems.
- Tim has always been against rescuing dogs and doesn't understand why it's controversial.
- Cats were gods in Egypt and should survive on streets, never be taken to shelters.
- Rescuing a dog reveals you have a god complex, suggesting rescuers are the same type of people who have sex with animals.
- People who work in shelters are sick people; rescuing a dog is essentially bestiality, making you a zoophile.
- If you're young and ambitious but have an adopted dog, you're signaling you're not serious about succeeding.
- Time is so valuable; having a dog shows you don't understand that, which is why Tim had six dogs before doing the Rogan show.
Yes or yes
- 2 min
A sponsor read for Massive's Smash and Greens superfood supplement created by a Navy SEAL/MMA fighter, including a mention of his Adopt a Cop BJJ charity and a discount code.
7moments
- Tim took six puppies to a kill shelter, then drowned two in the bathtub himself to sell tickets.
- Massive's Smash and Greens is a nutrient-dense superfood blend claimed to curb hunger, boost energy, clear skin, and burn fat.
- Mitch Aguiar, a ten-year Navy SEAL and MMA fighter, created the product to cut weight for professional fights.
- Aguiar also founded Adopt a Cop, a nonprofit that funds jiu-jitsu training for police officers so they don't resort to deadly force.
- Tim thought the charity name meant cops needed to be deadly fighters, not that they'd learn restraint through grappling.
- The brand sells shirts with inspirational quotes including 'Beat it nerd,' 'Don't be a fucker,' and 'Defund the media.'
- Massive runs a ten-day fasting challenge offering $500 cash if you lose 25 pounds.
Massive SupplementsMitch AguiarAdopt a CopSmash and Greens
- 2 min
A sponsor read for ExpressVPN covering ISP data selling, big tech surveillance, and a free-months offer.
3moments
- Tim doesn't have internet in his own house and doesn't pay for any provider.
- Tim argues everyone needs a VPN right now given the totalitarian government, tech oligarchs, NSA, and Chase Manhattan all trying to harvest and sell personal data.
- Using ExpressVPN is smart and thoughtful in the current climate, offering 90 days free through his link.
- 9 min
Getting Ripped Off by the Agoura Hills Landlord
#Tim and Ben detail being overcharged by their landlord in Agoura Hills over a shared utility meter, an undisclosed daughter living in the back house, broken appliances, and a $1500 bill for an unrequested 'IT guy' who did nothing, prompting another move.
14moments
- Tim and Ben are moving because they're being robbed by their landlord in Agoura Hills.
- One utility meter serves both the main house and the landlord's daughter's back house, but Tim pays for all of it.
- Tim had no Wi-Fi for ten days and a broken dishwasher for two months while the daughter's Wi-Fi worked fine.
- Agoura Hills is full of fake cowboys—former entertainment industry people who got fired or resigned and now pretend to be ranchers.
- Tim mocks a fake cowboy landlord who owns a Tesla and pretended to work in media before retirement.
- Tim's lawyer is named Sal Cohen Title Baum Berkowitz Ariel Sharon Benjamin Netanyahu Berg.
- The landlord didn't disclose that his daughter, not a property manager, lived in the back house.
- Landlords assume entertainers won't question bills sent to their business managers because they think performers are drug addicts.
- Landlord sends his IT friend to help with internet, claiming he knows someone in the field.
- The IT guy's only contribution was bragging that he bought seven houses during the mortgage crisis and went bankrupt.
- After the landlord's friend follows the Spectrum technician around for seven hours annoying him, a bill for fifteen hundred dollars arrives.
- Tim realizes the landlord was always planning to rip him off by sending fraudulent bills to his business manager.
- When Tim mentions wanting to bring a dog, the landlord agrees but Tim smells a setup coming—pet people rip you over.
- Tim tried changing the Wi-Fi once and the landlord said his daughter couldn't miss fashion school, which Tim insists is fake.
Agora HillsSpectrumBen AveryWesley Snipes
- 5 min
Closing Thoughts: Peace Offering to Aunt Kathleen and Louis CK's Complaint
#Tim offers a mock-conciliatory apology to his aunt, discusses Louis CK's opinion that the show is too long, dismisses the criticism, and closes with a nihilistic riff about friendship and mattering before signing off by telling listeners to rescue his aunt instead of a dog.
5moments
- Tim offers a peace offering to his aunt Kathleen, apologizing if she was offended by anything he said on the show.
- Louis C.K. complained the show is too long, but Tim dismisses the feedback, saying he doesn't take advice from legends.
- Tim reflects on the meaninglessness of life and how most people don't matter in the grand scheme of things.
- Tim jokingly offers a sped-up version of the show for Louis C.K. and directs listeners to the clips channel.
- Tim's final closing joke: advising listeners never to hire his aunt as a lawyer, but to rescue her as a dog instead.
Louis C.K.Tim Dillon Show clips channel