Episode 235 · The Ben Avery Era
#235 - Covid Kai | The Tim Dillon Show
Jan 17, 2021 · 1:07:08 · 480,000 views · 21 segments, 123 moments indexed
This week Tim talks the cult obsession over Tesla and Elon Musk, nearly getting sucked into a New York apartment scam, and goes off on people who can't stop talking about how they beat the virus.
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- 12 min
Banned From Airbnb Over the Joshua Tree House
#Tim explains he's been banned from Airbnb after a stay at a Joshua Tree property where the hosts accused him of damaging a cactus and 'art piece' stools, leaving dishes, and threatening them. He recounts the review dispute, a joking text about their house burning down, and mocks the hosts as pretentious lesbians while defending himself as the wronged party.
13moments
- Tim banned from Airbnb after Joshua Tree rental dispute
- Event at Joshua Tree property stemmed the violation and deplatforming
- Tim rented the house for cheap last-minute deal, brought friends to see the desert
- Four-hundred-dollar cleaning fee should cover dishes without complaint
- Hosts texted after transaction claiming cleaning crew had a stroke, asked for five-star review
- He never leaves bad reviews on Airbnb despite bad accommodations, always gives five stars
- Hosts claimed Tim broke stools and a cactus despite concrete art pieces being unbreakable
- Tim texted hosts he hoped nothing happened to their property, sent Simpsons house fire gif
- Tim can criticize the lesbian hosts without being homophobic because he's also gay
- The house design is grotesque and laughable, a sterile doctor's office environment
- Tim will rent the house through guests and do a live podcast from it despite the ban
- Tech companies deplatformed the president and will clearly remove Tim Dillon without defense
- Tim summarizes his position on the Airbnb situation
- 1 min
Covid Survivors Who Won't Stop Talking About It
#He describes two people at a backyard hangout who dominated the conversation bragging about beating Covid like it was a war, comparing it dismissively to other diseases.
3moments
- If they rent out their home, Tim will come do a podcast from it and treat it nicely while streaming.
- Tim calls these people detestable because of how they've acted.
- These women don't know how to have friends; Tim is just trying to be their friend.
wildfires in California
- 11 min
Covid Bragging vs. ALS, Cancer, and Leprosy
#Tim goes on an extended riff about people who survived Covid acting like war heroes, contrasting their attitude with friends battling cancer, ALS, and reading out grim leprosy and ALS symptoms to make his point that Covid survivors need perspective and should stop being insufferable about it.
11moments
- Tim acknowledges Covid is real and can be devastating, but notes the government messaging that even negative-tested people probably have it.
- Two people hijacked a backyard hangout to brag about beating Covid, suggesting nobody in history has suffered like them.
- Tim describes getting severely sick in March with chest tightness, chills, and loss of taste for three and a half weeks, but doctors said he didn't actually have Covid.
- Someone's friend's mother fought pancreatic cancer for ten years while Covid survivors act like they defeated a Chinese bioweapon.
- Tim lists other serious diseases—AIDS, Ebola, leprosy—that survivors don't brag about endlessly like Covid sufferers do.
- Smoking appears to reduce hospitalization rates for Covid, which Tim finds wild as a potential cure.
- Tim questions whether one of the required symptoms of Covid is discussing it nonstop for seven months afterward.
- Leprosy symptoms—growths, ulcers, loss of eyebrows, numbing patches—are far worse than anything Covid produces.
- ALS symptoms include muscle cramps, difficulty swallowing, cognitive decline, and complete immobilization, dwarfing Covid's severity.
- People suffering from opioid addiction, job loss, and lack of healthcare shouldn't be told to shut up because someone had Covid.
- If you've had Covid, confide in close friends about the toughness, but otherwise stop bragging because other diseases are killing people daily.
- 2 min
Tim jokes that his mother forcing him to eat health cereal as a kid turned him into a 'gay cocaine addict,' then reads the Magic Spoon ad copy about its low-sugar, high-protein cereal and promo code.
4moments
- Tim recalls eating sugar cereals at friends' houses while his mother forced him to eat health cereal instead.
- He attributes becoming a gay cocaine addict to being fed healthy cereal as a child, suggesting parents should let kids eat Corn Pops instead.
- Magic Spoon cereal has zero grams of sugar, 11 grams of protein, and three net carbs per serving while tasting like Froot Loops.
- Tim promotes magicspoon.com/timdillon with promo code tim dillon for five dollars off, emphasizing immune health benefits during COVID.
- 3 min
He reads the Helix Sleep ad, riffing extensively on the idea of a 'Helix Plus' mattress for extremely overweight people and imagining an insulting quiz result before returning to the standard pitch about mattress customization and discount codes.
4moments
- Helix makes a 'Plus' mattress for plus-size people—Tim questions what body size requires a special mattress when king-sized exists.
- Tim imagines the Helix quiz results: over 1100 pounds detected, therefore you need a special mattress instead of a regular one.
- Helix Plus mattresses are so large they arrive via multiple trucks and have to be assembled outside, forcing customers to sleep outdoors.
- Tim pivots to genuine Helix endorsement: the mattress customizes sleep experience based on position and movement, with a 10-year warranty and 100-night trial.
- 4 min
Tim reacts to news that New Jersey and Mississippi have made smokers eligible for the Covid vaccine without proof, riffing on getting vaccinated at a Mississippi buffet while smoking, and wonders how California will bungle its own tiered rollout.
10moments
- New Jersey is prioritizing smokers for COVID vaccines without requiring proof of smoking status.
- Tim questions how authorities would verify someone's smoking habit if they just show up claiming to be a smoker.
- Only two states—New Jersey and Mississippi—are offering vaccine priority to smokers.
- Tim imagines getting vaccinated in Mississippi while smoking cigarettes and eating hush puppies and fried shrimp as the most American scenario possible.
- He criticizes the priority system, arguing that teachers and nurses should get vaccines before smokers can go to pizza buffets.
- Tim received a call from the California health authority offering him tier three vaccine eligibility due to travel for work.
- He explains his reluctance about vaccines but acknowledges he'll probably need one to travel internationally for comedy gigs.
- Tim notes that in Jersey you can essentially just show up smoking and get vaccinated if you're a resident.
- California's vaccine distribution system will inevitably be chaotic, potentially prioritizing TikTokers and surfers over more sensible groups.
- He predicts vaccines will become mandatory for international travel and comedy tours despite his concerns about them.
- 2 min
Vaccine Passports and a Friend's Insane Property Cash Request
#He speculates about needing an immunity passport to travel for work, then pivots to a friend demanding $250k cash to invest in real estate together, leading into the story of nearly falling for a land-lease scam in Manhattan.
6moments
- Tim predicts people will eventually need to leave their houses because of mutant strains and the coming Andromeda strain, which will never end.
- A friend asked Tim for $250,000 in cash to start investing in properties together.
- Tim saw a condo in Manhattan listed for $215,000 and wondered how bad New York was to have prices that low.
- Tim almost got taken in a land lease scam and explains the pitch that real estate agents make to wealthy buyers like him.
- The scam requires cash only upfront because banks won't finance this type of transaction, which Tim initially saw as a status signal.
- Tim admits he's an idiot who's already putting his foot in the door to get robbed because he's a salesman and salesmen are easily manipulated.
- 3 min
The Land Lease Scam at Carnegie House on Billionaires' Row
#Tim details how he almost bought a suspiciously cheap $215,000 condo at Carnegie House on Billionaires' Row, explaining what a land lease building is, citing Trump Plaza's $190 million land buyout, and admitting he was an easy mark as a salesman.
8moments
- Land lease buildings don't actually confer ownership of the land, only the structure, and monthly dues can double, triple, or quadruple with reassessments every five to ten years.
- Trump Plaza made a forty-year deal in the 1960s-70s to pay 1.9 million for land, but when it expired, the bill jumped to 190 million as Manhattan land values increased.
- Trump Plaza residents collectively raised 190 million dollars to keep their units rather than lose everything when the land reverted to the owner.
- Carnegie House on Billionaires Row is selling one-bedroom apartments and studios for 99,000 to 100,000 dollars because residents are racing to unload them.
- Carnegie House is a land lease building with only about 100 such properties in the city, meaning residents pay ground rent on top of maintenance fees, real estate taxes, and operational costs.
- Ground leases reset every 5, 10, or 15 years and can dramatically increase monthly payments when the building and property are reappraised.
- Tim almost bought one, thinking he was finding a smart investment, but would have been the perfect mark for a real estate agent to manipulate.
- Real estate agents know Tim would dismiss warnings about future rate increases because he's focused on the present moment and looking like a big player on Billionaires Row.
land lease buildingsCarnegie HouseTrump Plaza
- 1 min
Accidental 'White Power' Hand Gesture Bit
#A quick aside where Tim jokes he accidentally made a white power hand gesture while making a point and imagines critics screenshotting it.
1moment
- Tim accidentally makes a hand gesture he realizes looks like a white power sign while trying to make a point.
- 3 min
Media Critics, Louis C.K., Anna from Red Scare, and the Binary Trap
#He mocks small-time writers who've turned him and Louis C.K. into political figures, praises a point from Anna Khachiyan of Red Scare about #MeToo compliance culture, and argues that nuanced people get attacked by both political binaries who need each other as enemies.
7moments
- Tim on living in a reality that bears no resemblance to actual conditions, and how media critics have made Louis Gomez into a divisive political figure.
- Anna from Red Scare's point about #MeToo: the unquestioning nature of it laid groundwork for enforced social compliance rather than genuine critical thinking.
- Tim describes how people subjugate their own beliefs and take instructions from the tech-media industrial complex out of fear of exclusion.
- The intellectual response to cultural conflict has been frightening—people whose job is to think have shut their minds off and fallen into binary thinking.
- When nuanced people like him appear, they become the threat because they disrupt the binary that both sides depend on for oxygen and enemy-making.
- The left kind of loves the right and vice versa because they give each other a reason to exist, but nuanced middle-ground thinking becomes the real problem.
- Tim's approach—acknowledging valid points on both sides while suggesting alternatives—threatens those invested in the binary framework.
- 7 min
Tesla Owners Who Won't Shut Up About Tesla
#Tim goes on a long rant about Tesla owners treating car ownership like a personal identity and cult, mocking Elon Musk's Starlink satellites, self-driving cars, ludicrous mode, and comparing it to his own boring gas-guzzling truck and friends' range rovers.
10moments
- Everyone who buys a Tesla thinks they're part of the SpaceX development team.
- No other product turns owners into spokesmen the way Tesla does.
- The Cybertruck is a $37,000 car that a public school teacher could afford—it's not impressive.
- Tim doesn't understand why Tesla owners need self-driving to do things like cut lines of coke.
- People who own Teslas don't realize they're just buying a car, not joining a company.
- Someone tells Tim, "They're the future," as if Teslas are unique when other companies are building competing EVs.
- Elon Musk's Starlink satellites terrify Tim because he thinks they're UFOs invading Earth.
- If the Tesla drives itself, why does the car even need a passenger in it?
- Tim rode in Joe Rogan's Tesla with Ludicrous Mode but questions where anyone is actually going so fast.
- Tesla owners act like they've accomplished something by buying an electric car, when it's just a vehicle.
- 1 min
Walking Into a Room and Identifying People's Weaknesses
#A short closing riff where Tim says his social approach is to walk into a room and diagnose people's weaknesses aloud rather than making small talk, calling it an act of charity.
2moments
- Tim's strategy when walking into a room: he tells people why they are where they are in life, rather than discussing possessions like sunroofs or teslas.
- The ultimate act of charity is identifying someone's weakness and magnifying it in front of others.
- 4 min
Tim reads the Gabi ad, explaining how linking your insurance gets you comparison quotes, noting he personally switched and saved money, and promoting the no-spam, no-obligation nature of the service.
5moments
- Insurance is a black box — nobody knows if they're paying the right amount.
- Gabi customers link their current insurance and get quotes for exact same coverage in minutes.
- Most people are ignorant about their insurance and overpay because they never shop around.
- Hair loss starts in people's 20s and 30s and prevention is key.
- Keeps treatments take four to six months to see results, so starting early saves more hair.
- 1 min
He reads the Keeps ad about preventing hair loss with early treatment, mentioning a friend who's used it successfully and the discount for first-time customers.
2moments
- Keeps hair loss treatment has worked for friends with five-star reviews and lots of business clientele.
- Use code at keeps dot com slash tim dillon.
- 1 min
Broken Dishwasher and Two-Week Wi-Fi Wait Because of Covid
#Tim complains about renting an old suburban house where the dishwasher has been broken for a month and Wi-Fi repairs are delayed two weeks, all blamed on Covid restrictions on technicians.
4moments
- Tim describes the rental house as regular suburban California real estate, expensive but not mansion-sized.
- The main selling point was a large carpeted room suitable for a recording studio.
- The dishwasher broke and landlords won't let him fix it—a Miele brand requires a certified technician, which can't come out because of Covid.
- Wi-Fi is also broken due to a disconnected cord somewhere in the walls; repair appointment is two weeks away.
- 1 min
The Wi-Fi Joke: Killing His Wife
#A quick dark joke where Tim says he 'killed his wife' over the Wi-Fi being broken and buried her, before returning to the internet complaint.
1moment
- Wife complains the Wi-Fi doesn't work, Tim responds that he killed her.
- 3 min
Wanting to Ditch the Suburbs for a Modern Apartment
#He muses about being single without a family filling up a suburban house, and wanting to move into an ultra-modern apartment building with amenities instead of dealing with charm and old-house problems.
9moments
- No internet available for two weeks because they're coming to the house.
- Contractors respond that terminal cancer doesn't matter — wifi still can't be installed.
- Tim notes he doesn't have a wife, kids, or dogs to justify a suburban life like his neighbor does.
- He wants to move to a modern apartment building with amenities like a lap pool and gym.
- People will eventually have to return to offices because remote work prevents meeting people and sexual contact.
- High-end apartment buildings offer maid service and furnished units baked into the rent.
- Tim doesn't enjoy home improvement projects and finds house tinkering boring, unlike staying funny at work.
- His idea of a real project is predicting which entertainment industry figures will make the LA Times cover.
- After his lease is up, Tim plans to leave suburban houses and move to a modern building with space-age amenities.
- 2 min
Bugs in the Walls and Walking Back the Fire-Extinguisher Cop Tweet
#Tim jokingly blames spiders for his house problems, then addresses backlash over a tweet suggesting people shouldn't bludgeon a cop with a fire extinguisher, sarcastically apologizing for 'Hollywood elitism.'
4moments
- His house was cool twenty years ago but now has so many wiring problems that WiFi doesn't work—probably brown recluse spiders and black widows chewing on the walls.
- Tim apologizes for going woke on Twitter last week by suggesting people shouldn't bludgeon a cop to death with a fire extinguisher.
- He's been tempted by Hollywood elitism because so many of his friends have pools, which is why he now sounds like a Hollywood elite telling people not to attack cops with fire extinguishers.
- Three months ago, saying you shouldn't bludgeon a cop to death with a fire extinguisher put him at odds with the left, but now the right is angry with him for it.
Hollywood elitismAirbnb
- 3 min
Q Cult Delusions About Trump Fighting Child Traffickers
#He mocks the people angry at him over the cop comment, describing them as a cult devoted to the fantasy that a billionaire in a Florida castle is secretly fighting child trafficking, and calls it a country full of competing cults.
9moments
- Tim mocks QAnon followers for opposing violence against Capitol police while fantasizing about revolution.
- People dedicate their lives to following a billionaire in Florida who claims to fight an underground war against politicians he was friends with years ago.
- Navigating American politics is like slalom skiing—dodging cults, QAnon, Rush Limbaugh, and other ideological obstacles.
- Tim almost became anti-mask until he realized making it your entire identity is stupid.
- He wears a mask in Santa Monica because it's the law, usually hanging it from his chin so he can breathe.
- People attacking him for wearing a mask have made that opposition their entire personality.
- Whatever scientific truth emerges about masks won't come from scumbags on Twitter, but from people with actual degrees.
- Fifteen-paragraph YouTube comments about masks are worthless and will be lost on him.
- Donald Trump is somehow the only down-to-earth person left in the country.
- 4 min
Mask Backlash and the Boomer Addiction to Fear
#Tim describes getting harassed for wearing a mask in Santa Monica, then broadens into a riff about Boomers being addicted to fear and grievance despite having had the easiest generational run in history, oscillating between Trump-worship and Rachel Maddow/Tucker Carlson fear-mongering.
7moments
- Tim's aunt Donna texts him daily claiming everyone has corona and is dying because she wants to live in a universe of terror and fear.
- Boomers need to feel under attack—whether from MS-13, immigration, or some other threat—because they're in love with fear.
- They'll accept fear from any source: Fox News, MSNBC, local news, or conspiracy theories. They don't care where it comes from.
- The boomer generation had easier lives than perhaps any other, with inherited houses, cheap college, and avoided serious military service, yet still find things to complain about.
- Boomers either idolize or hate Trump—he's the center of their universe, and they're locked into choosing between Rachel Maddow and Tucker Carlson.
- Tim describes boomer end-of-life as fear-based: their hippie ideals never materialized, they became yuppies in suburbs, now angry and convinced outsiders are coming to kill them.
- Tim wonders if he could move to a modern apartment and bring suburban fear, anger, and perpetual victimhood with him to poison the communal living situation.
- 1 min
Fake Your Covid Story or Get Ignored (Closing Bit)
#Closing riff where Tim jokes that if you haven't had Covid you should just lie and claim you have, listing absurd crimes he supposedly committed 'because Covid' as a sign-off punchline.
3moments
- Tim claims people should either have had Covid or make up that they had it, because nobody takes you seriously otherwise.
- Examples of fake Covid claims: beating up a boyfriend, throwing a wife down the stairs — increasingly absurd violence blamed on the virus.
- Tim announces his own invented Covid story: last week he beat Covid, punched his mother, robbed a bank, bought guns, and stormed the Capitol to hold a pen to Nancy Pelosi's neck.