Episode 218 · The Ben Avery Era
Classic tier — a personal pick, not a popularity ranking#218 - Fake Business | The Tim Dillon Show
Sep 20, 2020 · 1:13:30 · 463,000 views · 16 segments, 135 moments indexed
Tim teaches you this week how to start a fake business, being back on Keto, the downsides of living in California, and a Satanic AirBnB.
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- 2 min
The 9/11 Shirt from the Stress Factory
#Tim opens wearing a 9/11-themed shirt gifted by comedy club guys who jokingly wanted half the profits from merchandising it; he mocks the idea and riffs on being sued in intellectual property court.
5moments
- Tim wears a 9/11 shirt to the show, a callback to a joke about what class he'd teach if he were a teacher.
- Three gentlemen from the Stress Factory comedy club in New Jersey gave him the shirt.
- The guys suggest Tim could sell the shirts and offer to split the gross profit with him.
- Tim jokes about putting them on salary and having them come up with more ideas.
- Tim fantasizes about selling 75,000 shirts and becoming a trillionaire off their intellectual property.
Stress Factory Comedy ClubGary Vaynerchuk
- 5 min
LA Firefighters Are Lazy and Maybe Starting Fires on Purpose
#Tim rants that LA's fire department is incompetent, joking that firefighters are jealous of cops getting attention so they're secretly lighting fires, and that putting out a fire is as simple as water and a hose.
10moments
- LA fire department is incompetent and lazy, making progress only by accident.
- Tim spots firefighters standing idle on a suburban street with nothing to do.
- Firefighters are starting the fires themselves to get attention because cops are getting all the coverage.
- Extinguishing fires is simple: point a hose at it and put water on it.
- Everything now is about drama and making things seem harder than they are.
- Tim realizes mid-bit that he actually believes what he's saying about firefighter incompetence.
- Solution: make everything wet so it can't catch fire, like having a water gun fight.
- These fires go on for weeks; firefighters must be enjoying watching things burn.
- Questioning what kind of person becomes a firefighter—someone who likes heat?
- Newsom should throw the fire department under the bus and admit they're incompetent.
Los Angeles Fire DepartmentGavin NewsomBobcat FirefirefightingSan Gabriel MountainAngelus National ForestMount WilsonCalifornia
- 9 min
Tim discusses a Hollywood screenwriter placing boulders and spikes under LA freeways to deter homeless encampments, then pivots into a rant about $746,000-per-unit homeless housing costs, red tape, and a satirical campaign urging LA's homeless to relocate to more tourist-friendly cities.
11moments
- LA is placing boulders under freeways to prevent homeless people from setting up tents.
- Tim argues that a functional society doesn't solve homelessness by installing obstacles like boulders, spikes, and bench rings.
- Two guys placing boulders under an overpass is the perfect sign of a completely dysfunctional society.
- A Hollywood screenwriter behind Point Break and Varsity Blues arranged 60 boulders on a freeway underpass on the hottest weekend of the year.
- LA's homeless housing costs $746,000 per unit, more expensive than some luxury condos.
- Prop HHH intended to build 10,000 homeless housing units; only 228 have been built in four years.
- Tim questions why there's red tape preventing homeless housing projects when it should be a simple process.
- The real problem is that people don't want low-income homeless housing in their neighborhoods, which delays approvals.
- LA should launch a campaign encouraging homeless people to relocate to other cities with better opportunities and climates.
- With 60,000 homeless in LA County, Tim jokes there should be far more given housing costs and lack of jobs.
- Nobody should have a home in LA—it's a talent-free city where people barely scrape by working for wealthy employers.
Los Angeles homelessness crisisHollywood screenwriterBen ShapiroJoe Rogan
- 3 min
Tim pitches Raycon wireless earbuds as a cheaper Apple alternative, recommending owning two pairs, then tells a bit about berating his mother for losing her earbuds instead of having a Raycon backup.
6moments
- Tim pitches Raycon earbuds as superior to Apple, cheaper with better battery and design.
- Ray J founded the company; celebrity endorsers include Snoop Dogg, Mike Tyson, and Melissa Etheridge.
- Tim's earbud strategy: keep a backup pair in a drawer or car in case your primary pair fails or gets lost.
- Tim warns listeners they don't deserve to live if they don't buy backup earbuds and look stupid to regular people without them.
- His mother lost her earbuds and Tim screamed at her to buy Raycon as a backup instead.
- Mother objects to his tone; Tim tells her she needs to wake up because earbud preparedness is important.
- 3 min
Tim reads a straightforward ad for BetterHelp online therapy, stressing that mental health is essential for success and relationships and promoting the discount code.
4moments
- Tim opens with everyone being mentally unwell and needing therapy.
- Mental health is essential to success in any profession, including human trafficking.
- BetterHelp is recruiting digital counselors due to high demand from users.
- Tim invites listeners to DM testimonials about BetterHelp on Instagram, excluding Twitter.
- 13 min
Fake Business: Prank Calling Realtors as a Hobby
#Tim explains his hobby of calling realtors pretending to represent fictional investor clients to ask detailed questions about properties, including a live call to a realtor named Adam about a commercial listing on Palm Canyon Drive, then riffs on why this 'fake business' is a worthwhile pursuit.
23moments
- Tim calls realtors posing as a real estate investor to conduct "fake business" as a hobby.
- He prank-calls about a commercial property on Palm Canyon Drive, asking detailed questions about price per square foot and local restrictions.
- Corporate chains like Starbucks use competing business clauses to prevent independent coffee shops from opening in the same area.
- Tim spent 10 minutes on the phone with a realtor and dismisses the criticism that their time has value.
- One fake client nearly made an offer on a house after Tim called the realtor 45 minutes, three separate times.
- Realtors actually started drawing up contracts and scheduling inspections before Tim had to block their calls.
- He sometimes uses his real name Tim Dillon, sometimes makes up a firm name, sometimes claims to represent investment groups.
- By asking fake questions and showing interest, Tim gets the realtor to spread the word to his wife, secretary, and partner.
- When someone at dinner said his prank-calling was horrible, Tim argued he's just practicing, like a golfer at a driving range.
- Fake comedians spend a decade impoverishing themselves and living on floors—at least Tim's fake business requires less commitment.
- Tim calls the realtor back live on the show to demonstrate how well he conducts fake business negotiations.
- On the live call, Tim asks Adam about competing business clauses and requests a list to send to his "investors."
- The realtor explains the property just went on the market when COVID hit and was delayed two to three months.
- Tim notes there's a mattress store across the street and asks about lease terms and rates.
- Tim pivots to discussing how LA's problems are driving clients to look at the Rancho Mirage area instead.
- The realtor explains the high season is January through April, with shoulder seasons in September through December.
- After the call ends, Tim insists he's conducting fake business well and protecting the interests of his nonexistent clients.
- Tim advises the audience to start doing fake business—no license required, just a phone and computer.
- He describes himself as someone who was meant to be a deal-making rainmaker and power broker.
- Tim acknowledges that even in his fake life he's just a shitty realtor in the desert trying to sniff out a deal.
- His advice: set high but reasonable expectations for your fake business, following Gary Vaynerchuk's real business advice but for pretend.
- Realtors get upset after he calls 17 or 18 times, so he makes up stories about why his investor couldn't show up to viewings.
- Tim concludes that all business is essentially fake until contracts are signed, and he's among the best at conducting it.
Fake businessYes or yesStarbucksGary Vaynerchuk
- 1 min
Negotiating a Fake Strip Mall in Connecticut
#Tim continues the fake business bit, describing his imaginary escalation into commercial strip mall deals and needing to learn real financial terminology to keep up the ruse.
2moments
- Tim is currently negotiating a strip mall deal in Connecticut.
- Fake business requires real knowledge—tax numbers, profit and loss statements, actual expertise.
strip mallConnecticutFake business
- 2 min
Tim promotes Lucy nicotine gum as a cleaner alternative to smoking and vaping, ribbing Ben for still vaping and joking that people should start smoking just so they can quit using Lucy.
8moments
- Lucy Nicotine is a company founded by Caltech scientists and former smokers looking for a cleaner nicotine alternative.
- Lucy created a nicotine gum with four milligrams of nicotine in three flavors: wintergreen, cinnamon, and pomegranate.
- Tim plans to get Ben tons of nicotine gum so he can become the type of person Tim would respect.
- In 2020, get rid of cigarettes, unplug your vape, and throw out your dip—switch to Lucy nicotine gum or lozenges instead.
- Subscribe to Lucy directly to your door each month; Tim Dillon Show listeners use code TIM at lucy.co for 20% off.
- Dipping looked like a mess—walking around with vanilla skull or treasure spinning in a Poland Spring bottle.
- Lucy contains nicotine, which is addictive, but it's much better than smoking because there's no tar or carcinogens.
- Support the show by using lucy.co with promo code TIM if you enjoy it.
- 3 min
A rambling Ridge Wallet ad that veers into gun jokes and mock outrage, ending with Tim complaining his father bought four wallets without using his promo code.
8moments
- Tim wakes up every day with a level of self-hatred toward himself, family, and friends.
- Ridge wallet's minimal front pocket design streamlines what he carries daily.
- Tim takes his titanium wallet to the lake and reflects on living in a country where all the news is fake.
- He says metal feels good, though not as good as guns, and admits he loves shooting guns at people who look different.
- The wallet is small, metal, and easy to sanitize with hand sanitizer right in your pocket without anyone knowing you have it.
- Tim criticizes people who haven't bought Ridge wallets yet, calling them dumb and cruel for using leather wallets made from skinned animals.
- His idiot father bought four Ridge wallets but didn't use Tim's promo code, which Tim sees as a deliberate way to screw him.
- Final pitch: don't have a bulging wallet in your front pocket when people come to kill you.
- 3 min
California's High Taxes and Ben's Texas Baptism Fantasy
#Tim breaks down California's high state tax rate for top earners, contrasts it with Bernie Sanders' healthcare-for-taxes vision and pointless foreign wars, then riffs on Ben returning to Texas religion and Tim starting his own megachurch.
8moments
- California's 13% state income tax is set to rise to 17%, hitting nearly 20% for high earners making a million dollars a year.
- High earners could simply relocate their businesses elsewhere to avoid these taxes rather than accept the burden.
- Tim argues the taxes would be justified if they produced tangible benefits like healthcare coverage, but instead fund endless wars.
- The government wastes tax dollars building drones to bomb civilians in Pakistan instead of funding actual services.
- People might accept higher taxes if the spending were verifiable and transparent rather than disappearing into fake wars.
- Tim imagines Ben going into the woods to fight the devil, losing maybe but showing up for the fight anyway.
- Tim jokes about starting a megachurch and putting Ben back in a cult.
- The megachurch pitch: "He has never forgotten about you, but you have forgotten about him" repeated over and over to the congregation.
Bernie SandersLos AngelesPakistanCaliforniaTexasFake business
- 3 min
Airbnb Long-Term Rentals Disrupting Real Estate
#Tim explains how long-term Airbnb rentals are becoming a cheap, hassle-free alternative to traditional leasing thanks to James Altucher's advice, and speculates on how the disruption will affect realtors and related jobs.
8moments
- Tim plans to discuss Airbnb and mentions a satanic house listing where a guest thought they might be sacrificed.
- Long-term Airbnb rentals in major cities like New York and LA are fairly priced, according to James Altucher.
- Airbnb long-term rentals eliminate broker fees, credit checks, and financial verification—renters only need good reviews.
- Tim describes using Airbnb to hop between furnished rentals for two to three months to test different areas before committing to a location.
- The advantage of Airbnb is avoiding realtors, brokers, broker fees, credit checks, and approval processes entirely.
- Tech companies like Uber and Airbnb disrupt markets by trimming inefficiency, eliminating jobs for realtors and rental agents.
- Tim notes that disruption realigns markets by cutting fat—many people's livelihoods depend on that inefficiency.
- Realtors may transition to property management roles, or cleaning crews may expand their work flipping properties between guests.
- 13 min
Tim reads a viral Twitter thread from Frederick Joseph about a family fleeing an Airbnb full of Baphomet imagery, animal skulls, and occult decor after Airbnb refused a refund, riffing on cultural appropriation, the decor's authenticity, and whether he'd have stayed.
16moments
- Tim explains Airbnb's appeal: high-def pictures, reviews, paid upfront, flexible stays—especially suited to people without stuff.
- He admits he has no interior design sense and refuses to furnish anything, preferring to rent furnished places wherever he goes.
- Frederick Joseph, Forbes 30 Under 30 marketer and former surrogate for Warren and Sanders, threads a complaint about a satanic Airbnb listing.
- Tim's approach to company feuds: he'd rather insult them and lie than actually get his money back, recounting his Red Mango yogurt grievance.
- Joseph claims the house had satanic imagery and witchcraft ritual items, forcing the family to leave in fear—but Airbnb refuses the refund.
- The Airbnb photos show Baphomet figures with satanic pentagrams and children staring upward—genuinely creepy decor choice.
- Satanists are mostly just annoying people seeking meaning through dark aesthetics, not necessarily dangerous.
- Tim questions Joseph's story: renting a house specifically to do writing with a fiancée, brother, and cousin doesn't add up.
- He had a similar Airbnb experience in Montauk with native-inspired animal skull décor owned by a white woman named Sarah.
- If Tim were a satanist with this house, he'd decorate with images of John Podesta and Hillary Clinton just for fun.
- Joseph frames leaving as necessary because the family is Black and recognizes the horror-movie setup.
- Tim notes the irony: if the listing openly said 'Satan's lair,' people could avoid it—describing it as a place for unfinished screenwriters into dark philosophy.
- He wouldn't have asked for a refund and would've stayed in the house, believing he's protected by God against black magic.
- Tim imagines replacing all the satanic imagery with pictures of Oscar in a MAGA hat, singing Martina McBride with Candace Owens on the porch.
- He's been on keto for a few days and experiencing mental clarity, while Ben remains weak and addicted to sugar.
- Carbs you never cared about suddenly seem enticing and alluring once you cut them out.
AirbnbFrederick JosephRed MangosatanismCandace OwensSarahFake business
- 1 min
Redecorating the Satanic Airbnb with MAGA Merch
#Tim fantasizes about returning to the satanic Airbnb with Candace Owens to redecorate it with Trump imagery and sing patriotic songs on the porch.
3moments
- Tim's favorite breakfast is just carbohydrate.
- Lisa Aiyat is coming to the show soon, and Tim jokes about shipping him via FedEx.
- Tim clarifies he loves Lee, Joey, and everyone else despite his constant ribbing.
Lisa Ayat
- 7 min
The Great Breakfast Carbohydrate Debate: Pancakes vs Waffles vs French Toast
#Prompted by a keto tangent, Tim ranks pancakes, waffles, and French toast by reliability and execution, praising Clinton Street Baking Company's pancakes and shouting out Burnt Toast in Elgin, Illinois for its Grand Marnier French toast.
10moments
- Tim declares pancakes as his favorite breakfast carbohydrate.
- French toast, if executed perfectly, is the best—but only achieves that 30% of the time.
- Best french toast uses simple white bread, butter, and store-bought syrup rather than Vermont maple.
- Transcendent french toast can include orange zest and Tahitian vanilla to elevate it.
- Waffles often become too crispy, burnt, and dry—they turn into crackers you dip in syrup.
- Clinton Street Baking Company pancakes in New York are soft inside with a hardened brown butter exterior that reminds you of childhood.
- Burnt Toast in Elgin, Illinois makes phenomenal french toast with Grand Marnier that changes your life.
- Tim launches into a diatribe about how restaurants don't know how to market their food properly.
- Tour announcement: Tim plugs upcoming shows in Fort Worth, Dallas, Nashville, Salt Lake City, Phoenix, Tampa, and West Palm Beach.
- Additional shows being added in Nashville, Tampa, and Dallas due to demand.
Clinton Street Baking CompanyBurnt Toastbreakfast carbohydratesFake business
- 5 min
Tim runs through upcoming tour dates in Fort Worth, Dallas, Nashville, Salt Lake City, Phoenix, Tampa, and West Palm Beach, thanks fun audience members, then relays a doctor's reasonable explanation of vaccine safety before mocking a QAnon-style conspiracy theory about the virus.
10moments
- Gila, an audience member who laughed and understood language, stood out among Instagram influencers at the show.
- Some women in crowds don't know they're alive without holding their phone like a magnet in front of them.
- Tim spoke to a doctor about Covid who said it should never have been political.
- The doctor confirms masks do help and treatment has improved significantly over 60 days.
- Three vaccine candidates—Pfizer, Astrazeneca, and Moderna—are very safe but may not be effective.
- Tim imagines what it would sound like if the doctor claimed coronavirus is a military operation by a satanic pedophile cabal led by Tom Hanks.
- In the fantasy explanation, Trump personally selected an army to serve 120,000 subpoenas against dark arch magicians murdering children.
- The imaginary doctor also casually mentions Tim has adult eczema.
- The actual doctor had a reasonable explanation involving data and numbers instead of conspiracy theories.
- Tim will mask up on planes and enforce social distancing at shows, but won't do meet-and-greets or hugging.
Donald TrumpHillary ClintonTom HanksAstraZenecaModernaPfizerh3h3Gila Eli Klein
- 1 min
Closing Riff: Fake Business Sign-Off and Candace Owens on the Porch
#Tim closes by declaring himself uniquely suited to fake business, warning realtors he's coming for them, and returning to the image of himself and Candace Owens loading AK-47s on the satanic Airbnb porch.
3moments
- Tim announces he's getting into fake business and claims he has the personality type to build empires that don't actually exist.
- Anyone answering phones for business should beware because Tim is coming with facts and stats to prevent deals from closing.
- Tim recalls a guy who used to call him with motivated clients and wonders what happened to him.
Candace OwensPalm CanyonFake business