Episode 212 · The Ben Avery Era
#212 - Barnyard Creature | The Tim Dillon Show
Aug 9, 2020 · 1:21:55 · 360,000 views · 16 segments, 127 moments indexed
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- 1 min
Opening music and applause into the show intro.
1moment
- Tim opens the show with his traditional greeting
- 2 min
Cuomo, Fredo, and the Chest Exercise Cure
#Tim mocks Governor Cuomo ("Meatball") reopening schools and revisits Chris "Fredo" Cuomo's claim he beat coronavirus by doing chest exercises, comparing it to Godfather dialogue.
5moments
- Governor Cuomo is affectionately called 'Meatball' and his brother Chris is 'Fredo.'
- Chris Cuomo was offended at being called Fredo, thinking it was a slur against Italian Americans.
- Tim recalls Chris Cuomo claiming he beat coronavirus by doing chest exercises in his living room.
- The economy shut down for a virus you could apparently beat just by stretching your chest at home.
- Tim quotes the Godfather line 'I know it was you, Fredo' to mock Cuomo's lie about coronavirus.
- 10 min
Teachers Are Summer Enthusiasts
#A long rant arguing teachers are self-important, overpaid "summer enthusiasts," citing declining US education rankings, his Catholic school experience with teachers who "made out with kids," and insisting kids must go back to school regardless.
11moments
- Tim's observation: female teachers are self-important, spend entire lives with children, and talk to adults like they're kids.
- Teaching used to require genuine passion; now it's a job taken for suburban pay and two months off per year.
- Tim calls many teachers "summer enthusiasts" who show up at 7:30 a.m. and leave by 2:30 p.m.
- Teachers explain things to adults as if they're children and insist on conversational interactions people dread.
- Teaching is not the most important job in the world; America's educational performance is far behind other developed nations.
- If cops were shooting as many people as teachers are failing students, they would be abolished—yet teachers get endless praise.
- Tim proposes abolishing teachers the same way some want to abolish cops, letting kids teach themselves without a school system.
- At his Catholic school, the good teachers—the ones who stayed late and ran clubs—were also making out with students in the hallway.
- Teachers upset about returning to school during the pandemic should remember they already have job security and financial stability.
- The U.S. ranks 20th globally in education, behind Finland, Japan, South Korea, and many others—not the best system in the world.
- The real purpose of sending kids back to school is to free up parents to return to work and stop pretending to care about their children.
teachersYes or yesHoly Trinity Diocesan HicksvillemeatballNew York City Schools
- 5 min
Jake Paul's Arsenal and the FBI Raid
#Tim commends Jake Paul for stockpiling guns after an FBI raid tied to a mall riot, fantasizes about being his court jester when society collapses, and riffs on TikTokers surviving the apocalypse.
10moments
- Tim pitches a 9/11 investigation class he'd teach instead of standard curriculum.
- Jake Paul owns an arsenal and the FBI raided his mansion over mall riot involvement.
- Tim says to go bigger: get nukes, chemical weapons, experiment with bat coronaviruses.
- Tim offers himself as Jake Paul's jester to laugh at in the coming city collapse.
- Charlie D'Amelio will have a moated house with alligators that torch intruders when society falls.
- Tim argues they should expand Jake's arsenal with a small bioweapons lab on the property.
- Jake succeeded by ignoring teachers and pursuing YouTube, not books or authority.
- TikTok girls auto-tune songs where they're just sad and can't actually sing.
- Tim volunteers to join Jake Paul's loosely formed militia the FBI is investigating.
- Jake Paul has a better position on violence than Joe Biden—he actually disavows chaos and looting.
- 6 min
Trump's Interview, Mail-In Voting, and Election Doom
#He reacts to Trump's TV interview, discusses papers-and-charts interview mistakes, British reporters critiquing US politics, and worries about a contested, fraud-plagued mail-in election amid a possible second COVID wave.
11moments
- Tim watched Trump's interview and thought he looked bad with all the papers and charts
- Jurors fell asleep the moment lawyers brought out diagrams in a murder trial
- Tim was pleasantly surprised by Trump's composure and eloquence in the interview
- Using a British interviewer to challenge Trump is a mistake for a US election
- Trump made good points about Portland and the federal vans picking up protesters
- Mail-in voting means America won't know the election winner on election night
- In 2000, the Florida recount was fun because people didn't hate each other yet and could laugh about it
- A month of not knowing the election outcome would be fatal for the country
- If a second COVID wave hits and forces mail-in voting, both sides will reject the result as illegitimate
- Tim argues the election should happen in-person with masks rather than trying universal mail-in voting for the first time during a crisis
- An all mail-in election that's close will be a problem because the country won't accept the result as valid
Donald TrumpJoe BidenMeghan MarkleKatherine HarrisPortland
- 5 min
A ShipStation sponsor read spirals into a bit about Tim's fictional side business making dolls out of human hair and fingernail clippings for shipping.
5moments
- Tim's side business: making dolls out of human hair and fingernail clippings, with blood used for lips.
- The hair dolls unexpectedly became wildly popular instead of disturbing customers.
- The real challenges with the hair doll business are sourcing materials and avoiding prison, not shipping logistics.
- Upcoming expansion: making dresses for the dolls out of human skin.
- Tim addresses the crafty women listening to the show, encouraging them to start their own e-commerce businesses.
ShipStatione-commerce business
- 2 min
Sponsor read for Manscaped's Lawnmower 3.0 trimmer and Crop Reviver ball toner, with joking commentary on pubic grooming.
6moments
- Tim argues that while 2020 removes your control over most things, you can control shaving your pubic hair.
- Your penis looks bigger when you remove all the hair around it.
- Tim admits he doesn't file his nails—he just rips them off with anxiety and terror.
- Manscaped also sells Crop Reviver, a testy toner designed to make your balls smell like cologne.
- Code tim d at manscape.com gets 20 percent off and free shipping for listeners of the show.
- Tim ends the ad read by joking about grabbing 2020 by the horns through shaving your front trunk.
- 10 min
Denying the Apartment/Maggots Accusation
#Tim defends himself against accusations from a former roommate that he and Benjamin destroyed her apartment with rotting food and maggots, framing it as an unfair "me too"-style attack and questioning her credibility due to substance use.
10moments
- Tim and Benjamin were accused of destroying an apartment with leftover food and maggots, which he denies completely.
- He suggests the roommate's claims about bugs might stem from substance use rather than reality, specifically crack cocaine causing the sensation of insects on skin.
- Tim insists he left the apartment clean and threw everything into the dumpster.
- He borrowed the roommate's car to go to Nobu in Malibu, scratched it, and paid thousands for repairs plus new brake pads and shocks.
- After fixing the car, the roommate texted him saying he destroyed it.
- Tim describes getting attacked via text all night with accusations that everything he touches turns to shit.
- Benjamin, the innocent kid from Texas, doesn't deserve these attacks the way Tim does as a self-described scumbag.
- Tim denies he was throwing chicken parmesan all over the apartment or taking shits on the floor.
- The apartment itself was a shithole—old, musty, with gross rugs and clothes—the kind of place where actors go to hang themselves.
- Social media has destroyed people's minds in the same way crack cocaine does, just in a different form.
social mediaAndrew CuomoChris CuomoDanielle StaubMalibuNobu
- 3 min
Tim reads a news bit about the Democratic National Convention giving prime slots to the Clintons and Kasich while AOC and progressives are left out, joking about Ghislaine Maxwell being a more fitting speaker.
7moments
- Tim reacts to AOC not getting a speaking slot at the Democratic National Convention.
- The DNC is making time for Joe Biden to prove he's alive.
- Tim questions why the Clintons are included given credible accusations about Epstein connections.
- The Democratic strategy: stick to the centrist lane and don't promise healthcare to win the election.
- Bill Clinton looks like he died years ago, actually did die when he had to stop his behavior and go vegan.
- AOC and progressive newcomers don't have slots, but Republican John Kasich does—paired with Bernie Sanders for unity.
- Tim recalls Bernie going on a podcast with someone not traditionally aligned with him and the left handling it well.
Bill ClintonJoe BidenAlexandria Ocasio-CortezBarack ObamaJohn KasichMichelle ObamaBernie SandersGhislaine Maxwell+3 more
- 2 min
Desert Housewives for Trump
#A story about encountering bored, wealthy "pool and patio" women in a Trump flag caravan in the desert, mocking their performative political enthusiasm.
7moments
- Tim describes rich middle-aged women at a desert Trump rally in top-down Mercedes with pink flags trying to get people to honk.
- Why not just enjoy a top-down Mercedes on a nice day listening to music instead of needing a 'Women for Trump' sign?
- Many of the women were maskless; Tim posted video to his Instagram story but it expired after 24 hours.
- These pool-and-patio types treat politics like a pep rally or school spirit night because they're bored and unaffected by anything.
- They listen to Sean Hannity daily and fight with each other on Facebook, trying to score points with long comments.
- Ray Kump says people don't have hobbies anymore—nobody paints or does woodworking; they just look for social situations to lose themselves in.
- Politics has become their identity because they need something to fill the void.
- 12 min
Cultural Appropriation and "Old Man River" at Karaoke
#A long riff questioning cultural appropriation rules, wondering if he can sing "Old Man River" at karaoke given his damaged deep voice, imagining Erykah Badu singing "Danny Boy," and circling back to defend himself again over the apartment/roommate accusations.
12moments
- Tim reads an article about cultural appropriation and TikTok video going viral about slang, wondering why it matters at all.
- There's something weird about white millennial women opening fried chicken restaurants, but it should be allowed—Portland took it too far closing burrito stands.
- Tim's singing problem: as a former child actor and singer, cigarettes and hard living left him able to sing only one song well.
- That song is "Old Man River" from Showboat, traditionally sung by Black performers, which is why singing it at karaoke raises the cultural appropriation question.
- Tim performs "Old Man River" live to illustrate his point about being able to hit the notes and convey the emotional weight of the material.
- If Erykah Badu sang "Danny Boy," nobody would call it cultural appropriation because of the oppression hierarchy, but that's a bad way to order society.
- Fusion food works because chefs take French techniques and Asian flavors—cultures should add to each other, like the defunct Les Papilles in Manhattan.
- When a young white girl raps badly, people cringe, but singing "Old Man River" at karaoke would show genuine understanding of pain and material.
- Tim wonders if he should have sung "Old Man River" to his ex-roommate, a situation she apparently interpreted very differently than he did.
- Two people witnessing the same event can have completely different experiences—like eyewitness testimony in murder cases, which is often unreliable.
- Tim's roommate accused him of leaving out leftovers that attracted maggots and flies—he categorically denies this and may sue for defamation over the claim.
- The maggot allegation is untrue, and Tim refuses to stay silent about being falsely accused of this.
Erykah Baducultural appropriationOld Man RiverShowboatLes Bernardin
- 4 min
Sponsor read for Hydrant hydration powder that spirals into an elaborate fantasy about drinking it, getting oral sex from your boss, taking over his company, and selling it to China.
9moments
- Tim opens with a hydration pitch, explaining why thirst is too late and water alone isn't enough.
- Hydrant electrolyte powder mixes into water with no caffeine, no added sugars, and research backing from an Oxford scientist.
- Professional athletes and celebrities drink Hydrant because they understand physical and mental optimization—the reason you don't is you're not drinking it.
- Tim claims the powder clears your mind, sharpens focus, and eliminates depression and anxiety like the drug from Limitless.
- Drinking Hydrant gives you the confidence to walk into your boss's office, take your penis out, and demand oral sex.
- After the boss is impressed and gives you the company, you sell it to a Chinese firm because loyalty to profit maximization beats patriotism.
- Your newfound wealth leads to hanging out with Elon Musk and Richard Branson, terraforming plans, and rejecting terrestrial women for models.
- The sales pitch climax: Hydrant is the only real secret to becoming president, a baseball star, a CEO, or a king.
- Tim concludes that powdered electrolytes work better than college, books, networking, cults, or blackmail to change your life.
- 4 min
Sponsor read urging listeners to move retirement accounts into gold via Birch Gold Group, followed by a mention of the show's Patreon tiers named Skull and Bones and Rothschilds.
9moments
- Tim recommends moving retirement accounts out of the market and into gold, citing the weakening dollar and upcoming trillion-dollar bailouts.
- Gold is immediately recognizable and real—you can touch it, bite it, and people even put edible gold flakes on desserts.
- Birch Gold Group converts Roth IRAs or 401ks into precious metals IRAs with tax-exempt security backing.
- The rich diversify across metals, stocks, and bonds; regular people stay at the whims of the market with no power.
- Gold can be shipped to your house or stored somewhere—Tim struggles to remember the word 'trustee' for who holds it.
- Stocks are about to crash; move retirement savings into gold now, especially if it's your only security.
- Patreon now has video content, including footage of Jim Baker still selling end-times food buckets while the end times arrive.
- The two highest Patreon tiers are named Skull and Bones and Rothschilds—the classic conspiracy pipeline from Yale initiation to the final boss.
- Most people believe everything leads to the Rothschilds, which isn't true but makes for funny tier naming on Patreon.
Birch Gold GroupJim Baker
- 3 min
Jake Paul as a Better Role Model Than Teachers
#Tim continues arguing kids should model themselves after Jake Paul's gun-filled mansion lifestyle rather than listen to out-of-touch teachers.
6moments
- Tim advises kids to ignore teachers, move to Calabasas, make YouTube videos, and get a gun instead of getting an education.
- Teachers only talk about their seventeen vacations a year when you speak to them outside of school.
- Jake Paul is a much better role model than your teacher—he knows what kids need to succeed.
- Jake Paul lives like Scarface with a mansion, guns everywhere, an RPG sticking out of the sauna.
- Tim pitches the sales pitch he'd make to kids: Jake Paul's life versus their father who can't pay his bills and couldn't even afford a gun.
- Jake Paul released a rap song and it's actually not horrible, which is the state of everything now.
- 8 min
A History of Terrible Roommates
#A survey of Tim's past roommates: a meth-recovering woman married in a gymnasium, a toast-hoarding garbage-phobic woman, his grandmother calling him a "louse," a Palestinian roommate obsessing over utility bills, and Oscar the terrorist cat.
10moments
- Tim recalls roommates he's lived with, some liked him and some did not.
- Woman in Brooklyn was terrified of garbage and rats, took three bites of toast and stored it in the fridge.
- First roommate was a recovering meth addict woman married to a man in a gymnasium in Brooklyn, shared a public bathroom and dealt with bed bugs.
- Toast-and-no-garbage roommate was strange, skittish, cat-like, pale, smoked cigarettes and stared at the night sky.
- Tim scraped together $350 from tour tips to finally pay rent, then she called saying it wasn't working out before he could give her the money.
- Aunt Kathleen, a pretend lawyer with an unhooked phone in a basement office, told Tim he had nothing and to get out.
- Roommate Mazin, a Palestinian bartender, accused Tim of short-changing utilities and yelled about not getting the full amount.
- Grandmother on Long Island called him a louse and carnival blocker, told him to get one thing from McDonald's because he's one person.
- Alan in Astoria was a nice guy Tim liked, then Oscar the cat from Instagram who screamed blood-curdling screams and defecated on the floor.
- Latest roommate lasted from January 15th to August 7th, about six months before falling apart overnight.
Oscar the catKathleenMazinAlan
- 5 min
Quarantine Will Shred Your Relationships
#Closing riff reflecting on how quarantine exposes fault lines in relationships and friendships, mentioning a staff change on the show (Ben leaving, Lisa joining), before signing off.
8moments
- Tim warns that quarantine will shred any friendship or relationship that isn't rock solid, because people are under unprecedented pressure and handling it differently.
- Ben is leaving the show next week and being replaced by Lee Syatt because of quarantine stresses and pressures.
- If things are straining with your significant other or in business relationships, accept it rather than fight it—quarantine has exposed fault lines everywhere.
- You will not emerge from this period the same person you were when you started; if you do, you've made a huge mistake.
- Couples listening to the show are uncomfortable right now because they're realizing quarantine is exposing real problems in their relationships.
- Every relationship has something—somebody's on a diet, somebody wrote an article in the LA Times—stresses and pressures exist in all of them.
- If you feel things are going downhill because of coronavirus, don't drag it out forever.
- Steal their money.
quarantineCOVID-19