Episode 208 · The Ben Avery Era
#208 - Let's Have A Party | The Tim Dillon Show
Jul 12, 2020 · 1:50:37 · 610,000 views · 22 segments, 183 moments indexed
Tim talks a big party he's going to throw, why he loves AOC so much, a yummy baked beans controversy, and why a corporate steakhouse is in trouble.
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- 1 min
Cold Open: Desert Life and Fake Summer Cheer
#Tim sarcastically pitches an idyllic summer while noting camps are closed and kids are 'overthrowing the government,' then describes leaving the desert to drive to LA to record.
2moments
- Kids are out overthrowing the government instead of going to camp.
- Tim left the desert today for a two-hour drive to Los Angeles to record.
- 5 min
Tim breaks down the viral theory that Wayfair was selling overpriced storage cabinets named after missing girls, discusses the Yandex serial number rumor, and jokes about how impossible it is to enjoy a summer drive without stumbling into a trafficking conspiracy.
10moments
- Wayfair was just an overpriced Boston-based online retailer when Tim left the desert in 2020.
- Tim discovered halfway through his drive that Wayfair was selling overpriced cabinets named after human trafficking victims, with 72,000 tweets about it.
- Wayfair claims the cabinets are industrial storage, priced at $13,000-$15,000, not placeholders for missing children.
- Cabinet names like 'Samaya' and 'Uresa' match the names of missing girls, which is creepy.
- The high prices and placeholder theory: the cabinets function like name-keychains, building a database of names for direct marketing.
- Wayfair does the same thing with pillows sold for $10,000 next to the names of missing people.
- Serial numbers from the ads supposedly pull up inappropriate images on Yandex, the Russian search engine.
- Tim notes that any random numbers plugged into Yandex apparently lead to pictures of children, undermining the conspiracy claim.
- You can't take a summer drive without falling into a human trafficking conspiracy rabbit hole.
- The cabinets are being removed from Wayfair's store, confirming something suspicious was happening.
Wayfairhuman trafficking
- 6 min
Why Nobody Should Throw a Party in Their Mid-30s
#After a friend suggests he throw a desert party, Tim rants about how gatherings of people in their 30s are anxiety-ridden nightmares full of political talking points, arguing people's addiction to socializing (not masks) is the real problem.
10moments
- Tim rented a house in the desert for two months at 110 degrees, noting the only things that survive there are gays, Jews, and tarantulas.
- A friend suggested he throw a party, prompting the question: what party would be appropriate for a 35-year-old in the current climate?
- Parties in your mid-30s are a nightmare of anxiety-ridden people armed with statistics like cable news anchors trying to impose their views.
- If mid-30s partygoers are actually hammered and dancing, it means they're on the brink and about to drive into a school bus.
- The alternative is weird anxious jockeying for position as guests feel each other out about what they've accomplished with their lives.
- The real problem is people's disgusting need to be in groups all the time instead of being alone—that's impoverishing the country.
- He paid to rent a desert house to be alone and die quietly, not to have people in his backyard talking about anarchists in the streets.
- Nobody in this country can be alone for five seconds, which is why coronavirus spreads everywhere because everybody has to be in large groups.
- On the phone you can escape by saying you need to shower, but if guests are at your property, the entire process of getting them in and out is a nightmare.
- Tim mimes the exhausting cycle of fake engagement with departing guests asking what you were saying about cops and racism.
- 2 min
Tim announces his Salt Lake, Ontario, and Cleveland shows are canceled due to COVID spikes, and explains he won't book confident tour dates until he knows clubs will actually be open.
4moments
- All August tour dates canceled—Salt Lake, Ontario, and Cleveland—because those counties are spiking COVID cases.
- Tim refuses to promote shows he's not confident will actually happen and will only return to touring with solid dates and an official announcement.
- Comedy only works if he's performing nightly at clubs like the Comedy Store and the Improv, otherwise he won't be in the right shape to ask audiences for ticket money.
- Comedians performing on porches, pickup trucks, and parking lot diners are mentally ill and have less dignity than heroin addicts.
- 4 min
Comedians Performing in Parking Lots and Imaginary Gatekeepers
#Tim mocks comedians doing shows on porches and in parking lots during the pandemic, then responds to a female comic's tweet about industry 'gatekeepers,' arguing there are no gatekeepers left, just the internet.
10moments
- Stop blaming imaginary gatekeepers for your lack of success in comedy.
- Female comics complain online about gatekeepers, but the real gatekeeper is the internet itself—your phone.
- Tim argues some comedians just aren't being funny and blame an imaginary person instead of taking responsibility.
- Do something that actually makes other people laugh, and that might get you where you want to go.
- Male comedians have the same gatekeeping complaints, and Tim knows male comics who are losers performing on literal piles of compost.
- A female comedian tweeted about gatekeepers, but there are no gatekeepers—figure it out online or don't.
- Cameron Cass Keegan's pinned tweet jokes that a 'real job' is one you don't enjoy until you can afford a creative one.
- Society shouldn't subsidize delusions; if you think you're a model or artist, you don't have the right to enjoy your job immediately.
- The Zoomer generation has some right ideas but lacks the grit and determination to make them reality.
- Tim doesn't criticize TikTok because it's nineteen-year-old kids on the platform, not his place to judge it.
Cameron KaskeyParkland
- 5 min
TikTok Kids, Cameron Kasky, and 'Get a Real Job'
#Tim reacts to Parkland activist Cameron Kasky's tweet about 'real jobs' for creatives, then pivots to defending TikTok teens who are making six and seven figure deals while his friends mock the platform, and argues life doesn't 'even out in the end.'
10moments
- Tim doesn't understand why lip-syncing to other people's songs or Donald Trump impressions gets praised as genius.
- He won't constantly mock TikTok because it's just what kids are doing, though older comedians obsess over banning it.
- Established TikTok kids have six and seven-figure brand deals and endorsements—they're already set financially.
- A Long Island friend asked if Tim was getting unemployment, unaware that the podcast was doing well.
- Tim rejects the childish belief that everything evens out in the end; it statistically does not.
- Mediocre talentless people make millions while talented people die alone in the street.
- He didn't start a TikTok and doesn't jump on new apps if something doesn't immediately strike him as funny.
- The only funny content on TikTok is random crazy people; dancing videos are not funny.
- If the government bans TikTok for being Chinese spyware, it should ban Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat too.
- Tim prefers American surveillance through Mark Zuckerberg over Chinese spyware collection.
- 1 min
Tim reads a sponsor spot for Manscaped's trimmer, describing its features and promo code Tim D for 20% off and free shipping.
3moments
- Tim pitches Manscaped: a trimmer with 9,000 RPM motor, 360-degree rotary blade, and skin-safe technology for grooming pubic hair.
- The device is waterproof and doubles as the only nose hair trimmer on the market.
- Tim promotes the discount code Tim D for 20% off and free shipping at manscaped.com.
- 10 min
Tim unboxes Supreme-style merch sent to the show (a rat/syringe skateboard deck and a bandana), riffs on skateboarding culture, hypebeast kids camping out for drops, and the arbitrage economy of reselling streetwear.
11moments
- Tim describes the merch sponsor's rat getting injected, comparing it to Bill Gates.
- A bandana arrives featuring Madonna, Bruce Lee, LSD, and other cultural references.
- Skateboarding and Venice Beach skate culture have defined every meaningful moment of Tim's life.
- Supreme-style merchandise sells out constantly with no discounts because it's that elite.
- Kids are making money reselling brand merchandise because of its high resale value.
- Hypebeasts use strategy and bots to cop items; most people just lack game and get "screwed over."
- Reselling branded merchandise might be one of the only jobs left in the economy.
- Tim proposes grabbing hypebeasts live on air to run a reselling operation at a Supreme drop.
- Hypebeasts stand silently in line with focus like athletes before competition, dedicated to shopping.
- Supreme store drops are like horse races where kids compete in real-time to buy and resell merchandise.
- Flipping bandanas is accessible arbitrage for people who can't enter markets like natural gas in Kazakhstan.
- 6 min
Ghislaine Maxwell Fatigue and Trump Losing Support
#Tim says he's exhausted by endless Ghislaine Maxwell chatter and predicts no real accountability will ever come, then pivots into how the pandemic economy is turning suburban and institutional support against Trump.
10moments
- Dumb people say the same three things every week: TikTok is Chinese spyware, something about Ghislaine Maxwell, and other predictable takes.
- Tim is exhausted talking about Ghislaine Maxwell and says nothing will happen—nobody will go to jail, the Royal Family won't fall, there won't be an unmasking of elites.
- He's been waiting 20 years for anybody to face consequences for anything—drug running, terrorism, lies—and nothing ever happens.
- Money turned on Trump because his 401ks were fat and the economy was okay, but now institutional support is abandoning him.
- The economy keeps battering people like waves smashing into sand; restaurants open, stock food, throw it out, and close again.
- Suburban Trump supporters are souring on him too, and Biden is a corpse—Trump is in deep trouble unless Biden's cognitive decline forces him out.
- Institutional Republicans and money are done with Trump; they want to move back to boring, half-dead normalcy instead of 24-hour news cycle chaos.
- People can't have normal conversations anymore—everything becomes a cable news argument where you need statistics and talking points instead of just being human.
- Politics is for losers: people who obsess over politics are unsuccessful—they can't get laid, have no friends, make no money, and have zero capital anywhere.
- There's more to life than politics; people should get shrooms, sit on a hill, eat grilled cheese, or do literally anything besides let politics consume them.
- 9 min
AOC, HGTV 'White Supremacy,' and Bush's Baked Beans Satire
#Tim mocks AOC's claim that HGTV is running a white supremacist campaign against her, dissects HGTV show titles and host David Bromstad, and imagines a satirical Bush's Baked Beans Nazi salute bit.
10moments
- Tim criticizes AOC for complaining about cancel culture while claiming Google and Facebook censor Palestinian advocates and anti-imperialists.
- AOC claims Jewish heritage to a Jewish audience, then aligns with anti-Israel figures like Ilhan Omar, which Tim calls fraudulent pandering.
- Tim argues AOC is only famous because of her appearance; if she looked different, she'd be an anonymous socialist in a basement.
- Politicians thrive on attention and give people the power to control them easily through manufactured outrage.
- Tim mocks HGTV's show lineup as a white supremacist dog whistle because all the programs feature houses, which white people own.
- Tim sarcastically connects Nelly and Pablo's Wyoming Powerball win to the Klan and describes their home hunt as a militant interior design operation.
- David Bromstad hosts Color Splash Miami, where the show's format is reduced to asking people what color they like before putting them in a van.
- My Lottery Dream Home represents how desperate things have become; HGTV now has to film lottery winners because most people can't afford property.
- Tim extends the logic to absurd conclusions: HGTV could produce My Lottery Kidney and My Lottery Pancreas where people win life-saving surgeries.
- Tim concludes that despite respecting AOC's hustle, she remains fundamentally full of it.
Alexandria Ocasio-CortezDavid BromstadHGTVGoogleFacebookFox News
- 4 min
Tim plugs (and disparages) his show's entry into TruTV's Tournament of Laughs competition, mocking stand-up comedians' inability to do sketch comedy, then recounts finding a suspicious armed man on a private desert road.
8moments
- Tim urges listeners to vote for the sketch in Tournament of Laughs, a show he calls the worst thing he's ever seen.
- Most stand-up comedians have no talent outside of stand-up and should be kept in their homes by an armed guard.
- Tim imagines winning Tournament of Laughs only for something he's said to surface, forcing truTV to rescind the prize and making executives homeless.
- The name 'Tournament of Laughs' required multiple zoom meetings from executives to devise.
- While driving through the desert scouting for a sketch, Tim and Ryan spotted a man sitting on top of a mountain with a rifle.
- The man had a new pickup truck and a tent, suggesting to Tim he might be involved in something shady like a drug operation.
- The mountain-top lookout was half-white, half-Hispanic, wearing Wrangler jeans, positioned on the highest rock with no animals to hunt.
- Tim drove down the winding private road past multiple warning signs because he wanted to see where it led.
- 5 min
Tim runs through statistics on a violent shooting weekend in NYC and rising crime after police funding cuts, tying it to pandemic unemployment and evictions in New York State.
11moments
- New York City is descending into a hellscape, with cutting police funding proving to be essentially a bad idea.
- 64 people were shot in New York City over one violent weekend, surpassing 400 shootings in the first half of the year for the first time since 2016.
- June 2020 saw 205 shootings, the highest for that month since 1996—racing back twenty years of progress.
- The economy is in its worst place, with joblessness devastating and unemployment reflecting economic collapse.
- New York State had 15 percent unemployment in May and April, with New York City at 18 percent—a major problem.
- A wave of evictions is coming; potentially 28 million Americans face homelessness if something isn't done to freeze evictions or provide universal basic income.
- Ten million people lost their homes in the Great Recession, and this eviction crisis could be almost triple that.
- Ben's job as producer is to anticipate what Tim will do next, but he loses interest and jumps ahead like he's on a golf course instead of staying locked in.
- Jamie Vernon is the standard for podcast producers and never gets it wrong, staying quick and attentive the way this situation requires.
- Ben needs to always focus and be at the top of his game because they could be targeted at any minute.
- Transition to discussing the eviction crisis brought on by the pandemic.
- 3 min
28 Million Evictions and Predicting a Civil War
#Tim argues the government should bail out homeowners directly, warns that mass evictions will lead to people burning down the suburbs, and jokes about needing a gun and jobs for 30 million people at his party.
5moments
- Government should pay off mortgages and let people stay in their homes, or 30 million homeless people will burn the country down.
- Making 30 million people homeless will lead to violence; libertarian economic theory won't matter when people resort to primitive survival instincts.
- People are tired of debate and will get "cancelled the old-fashioned way" through burning suburbs and homes if 30 million are left unemployed.
- Tim predicts we're heading toward civil war and asks if anyone will have him at a party.
- Joke about party attendance: the only acceptable gift is a gun or jobs for 30 million people.
- 2 min
Tim reads a sponsor spot for Hydrant electrolyte drink mix, describing its benefits over coffee and giving the promo code TIM for 25% off.
2moments
- Tim explains a debate format where college students spoke as fast as possible, leading to constant dehydration without sleep breaks.
- Hydrant offers an alternative to coffee without the crash, made with real fruit and electrolytes.
- 5 min
Tim reads a ShipStation ad about e-commerce shipping, then riffs extensively on schemes to sell rich people worthless crafted junk like bottled seashells or fake antique heirlooms.
8moments
- Tim pitches scamming rich people by selling them crafts and trinkets through e-commerce.
- Example: put sand in a bottle, call it Nantucket, and rich people will buy it.
- Tim suggests collecting crushed seashells from the beach and selling them in bottles to wealthy people.
- Rich people just want knickknacks for their dressers; the product doesn't need to be amazing.
- Tim encourages listeners to try selling anything—old books, crafts, cookware—with ShipStation's free trial.
- Open a fake antique store and lie about inheriting items from a big old house.
- Pitch inherited forks from a non-racist woman's house as a way to make items sound special and valuable.
- Tim considers actually setting up a gag storefront to test what absurd things people will buy.
- 6 min
Tim discusses the boycott of Goya Foods after its CEO praised Trump, riffs on an imaginary rivalry with the Bush's Baked Beans guy and Duke the dog doing a Nazi salute, and notes Trump's actual Latino polling numbers.
10moments
- Goya beans CEO said he liked Trump, causing outrage among people who Tim notes have probably never eaten Goya beans themselves.
- Tim clarifies he eats Bush's baked beans, the grill style, and has no stake in the Goya controversy.
- Goya experienced a surge in popularity during lockdown before the boycott backlash over the CEO's Trump comments.
- Tim jokes that if the Goya guy likes Trump, the Bush's baked beans CEO must be a Hitler enthusiast somewhere.
- All the Goya CEO said was that they're blessed to have a leader like Trump; Tim suggests poor people should still buy Goya instead of switching to expensive alternatives.
- Goya beans are just red kidney beans that are pretty bland; Tim questions what Latin cultures actually do to dress them up.
- Tim imagines the Bush's baked beans CEO and Duke the dog getting invited to the Rose Garden and praising Trump in increasingly extreme ways.
- Tim describes the satirical scenario of Duke the dog from Bush's baked beans doing a Hitler salute in the Rose Garden and the PR nightmare that would follow.
- A lot of Latinos like Trump—Trump got 30% of the Latino vote, making the boycott controversy more complicated than critics acknowledge.
- Tim points out that 30 percent of Latino voters supporting Trump apparently makes them white supremacists according to the boycott logic.
GoyaDonald TrumpShipStationBush's Baked BeansDavid Duke
- 4 min
Studio Redesign Fantasy: HGTV Remakes a Nazi Podcast Studio
#Tim jokes about wanting a studio redesign and imagines an HGTV crew giving a 'Nazi podcast' studio a colorful makeover, then praises HGTV generally while complaining about the house-flipping formula.
6moments
- Tim pitches a studio redesign to liven up the space with more vibrant colors and energy.
- HGTV remake show concept: design team arrives at a basement podcast studio and learns it's about politics and the red pill.
- The pitch: Nazi podcasters get a makeover from HGTV, who insist all they need is a splash of color.
- Tim enjoys HGTV because it lets you imagine living different lives in real towns and communities.
- Too much modern HGTV is about flipping houses and giving instructions; Tim wants to see properties without the renovation lectures.
- Tim criticizes HGTV's content direction and hopes Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will fix the network when she becomes queen.
- 8 min
Cynthia McKinney's Wild Twitter and the QAnon-Megachurch Grift Theory
#Tim looks up former congresswoman Cynthia McKinney's tweets about Epstein, Mossad, and vaccines, then argues QAnon is a modern rebranding of old megachurch pastor grifts designed to fleece believers.
12moments
- Tim respects Cynthia McKinney for going hardcore about 9/11 as a congresswoman, then burning it all down.
- McKinney's Twitter feed shows her retweeting and tweeting about Epstein, vaccination, and conspiracy theories.
- McKinney operates at the intersection where the far left and far right meet, which Tim finds awesome.
- McKinney claims Alan Dershowitz sealed Epstein files to protect names of clients blackmailed by Epstein and Mossad.
- McKinney runs a website called truenews.com promoting books about the second coming of Jesus Christ.
- Tim identifies QAnon as a scam rooted in megachurch pastors trying to line their pockets with a new hustle.
- The grift works by weaving together true and false claims into a meta-narrative that makes believers feel like soldiers in a war.
- Tim argues the proper response to such scams is not outrage but recognizing the con: people are idiots with money to give away.
- Black Lives Matter openly states its goal is destroying the nuclear family and instituting Marxism, not police reform.
- Abolishing the police won't work—it's designed to create chaos so people overthrow the government for a Marxist surveillance state.
- Tim doesn't care what people believe in as long as they're not kidnapping or harming others; it's their personal journey.
- BLM operates from a place where they want everybody controlled, making it uncomfortable territory for genuine freedom.
Cynthia McKinneyJeffrey EpsteinBlack Lives MatterQAnonAlan DershowitzMelania TrumpRoseanne
- 10 min
BLM, Abolish the Police, and Political Obsession as a Personality Flaw
#Tim argues both QAnon and 'abolish the police' movements are ways for people to be controlled or to seize what isn't theirs, and criticizes people who let political tribalism consume their entire identity for years on end.
11moments
- Tim argues that activists fundraising under the guise of racial justice are essentially old-school Marxists and megachurch pastors repackaged, ultimately funneling money to Republican country club guys.
- Smart people phase out of politics after five years once they realize their beliefs won't materially change outcomes.
- Political tweeting and activism amounts to banging pots and pans for nurses—performative noise with no real effect.
- Tim advises turning off political content mid-life, suggesting getting murdered or tortured sounds more appealing than spending years invested in an algorithmically-created world.
- People drawn to politics typically lack any other discernible skill and use it as a revenue stream without producing actual results.
- Abolishing the police won't fix anything; reply guys from Twitter will simply start attacking people with knives instead of keyboard arguments.
- Tim predicts blue-check Twitter users in major cities will get disemboweled when police abolition policies take effect, and says they deserve it.
- Living in New York or LA now is stupid; people should leave and help build scenes in places like Omaha instead.
- Johnny Gosch is probably alive somewhere tweeting AOC retweets, and Tim would be mad if he came out of hiding instead of staying disappeared.
- Woke activists function like the religious enforcers in Game of Thrones' final seasons—forcing purity tests and repeating the same boring arguments in an endless death spiral.
- The same fundamental political divisions—economic inequality, cultural issues, abortion, foreign policy—have cycled repeatedly since at least the 2000 election with identical power factions rebranding themselves.
Alexandria Ocasio-CortezJoe RoganNancy PelosiAlex JonesJohnny GoschGame of ThronesDonald TrumpJoe Biden
- 6 min
Get Off Twitter or Get Murdered, and 20 Years of the Same Arguments
#Tim tells listeners to log off and touch grass, argues nothing substantive has changed politically in 20 years except technology, and suggests people obsessed with reply-guy politics should just leave big broken cities like New York and LA.
8moments
- Tim rants about people constantly filming on their phones instead of confronting offensive situations directly or moving on.
- A high school classmate wrote an article claiming restaurants are racist, despite not finding much actual racism when examined.
- Tim mocks people posting about racism in niche industries like tattooing and equestrian sports from privileged positions.
- The article's first restaurant example involves someone being fired for racial slurs—a case where management acted decisively against racism.
- Tim misinterprets the acronym BIPOC as potentially meaning bisexual employees and jokes that would make for an amazing workplace.
- The author claims experiences with diversity were normal in 2009 but discovered things had changed by 2018 when she returned to restaurants.
- A trainer recommends octopus to Asian diners by saying they eat weird food—Tim questions whether this is actually racist or just an observation.
- The author claims to have responded sternly to the trainer, who then lied and immediately backpedaled with an excuse about Italian people liking octopus.
- 8 min
Dissecting an Eater Article About Restaurant Racism
#Tim reads through and picks apart a former high school classmate's essay claiming the restaurant industry is racist, arguing most of her examples (like a waitress being called 'hey girl') aren't actually racism while a few incidents genuinely are.
19moments
- Tim on the letter-writer's boss being "shitty" but the restaurant owner's advice to not let people affect her wallet.
- Waiters and waitresses in chain restaurants aren't always the best and brightest, but generalizing the entire industry from Long Island examples is a stretch.
- The letter-writer describes a senior customer grabbing her and whispering something racist, then attempting to kiss her.
- Tim predicts the headline would have inverted blame: "black server abused elderly white man at a Long Island restaurant."
- Old guy was a horndog harassing women as fetishes; Tim questions whether a hot white woman or Asian woman would have avoided the same behavior.
- Coworker asked if she was a black Jew, then stayed openly racist to her despite her standing up for everyone.
- White women approaching the table saying "hey girl" and calling makeup "on fleek"—Tim questions whether that actually counts as racism.
- Tim compares it to calling out homophobia: if his example was just someone asking if he had a boyfriend, that wouldn't be real homophobia.
- I don't want any problems for her, but calling "hey girl" racism dilutes what actual racism is.
- The gun songs from white women with dreadlocks might actually be a legitimate problem, Tim concedes.
- If Tim was a waiter and customers started acting gay around him, he'd find it annoying but his bigger problem would be why they're doing it at all.
- Singing spirituals would be a real problem; that crosses a line.
- Singing "He Must Know Something" by staying silent and rolling would be racist.
- If customers started singing "Old Man River" when she walked over, that would be genuinely wrong and odd.
- You have to learn the difference: staged mockery of someone's identity is homophobic; just saying hello is not.
- You have to learn the difference between racist and not racist; someone saying hello the wrong way cannot be the problem.
- Tim was so nervous his server from the restaurants would mention him in the article, worried he'd said something inappropriate while drunk.
- A decently well-known comedian asked the server to get him cocaine and said "can you call a cousin or something"—comments he thought might be in the article.
- She's a good woman and Tim wishes no ill will toward her.
- 1 min
Tim thanks listeners, plugs the Patreon tiers and merch, reminds people to vote for the show on Tournament of Laughs, and signs off for the summer.
3moments
- Tim plugs the Patreon with membership tiers: free weekly episodes for basic supporters, plus a jumbo monthly episode for Rothschild members.
- Life in the Big City merch is available; Dan and Ben are both wearing shirts from it.
- Tim announces new sketches coming out and asks listeners to vote for the show on Tournament Laughs, joking that winning would be great right before TBS gets cancelled and goes out of business.