Episode 203 · The Ben Avery Era
#203 - Long Island Strong | The Tim Dillon Show
Jun 7, 2020 · 1:11:58 · 294,000 views · 21 segments, 133 moments indexed
Tim discusses the ongoing protests and Long Island's response, the type of vest we need to put on, what's in Nancy Pelosi's freezer, and the fun times that are ahead of us.
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- 2 min
Cold Open: Bunker Life and the Coming Summer of Riots
#Tim opens from an undisclosed bunker location, joking about his living situation amid the unrest, and admits his political ideology is basically wanting to stay alive.
5moments
- Tim has been staying in an undisclosed bunker and will return there until everything calms down.
- He's uncertain whether LA or New York City will be his home base in six months or a year.
- Tim anticipates a summer of rolling riots alongside the Republican convention and July 4th.
- He acknowledges it's privileged that he doesn't want to be burned alive or shot with rubber bullets.
- His political ideology boils down to wanting to continue to draw breath and stay alive.
bunkersRepublican convention
- 2 min
Bill de Blasio's Wife Sings and Bombs at a Protest
#Tim plays and reacts to a clip of de Blasio getting booed and his wife trying to sing at a rally, comparing the bombed reaction to a comedian's set dying on stage.
4moments
- Bill de Blasio getting introduced at a protest while politicians try to recreate Obama's church moment with singing
- De Blasio's wife gets up and starts singing at the protest after he's been booed
- She bombs completely, the crowd rejects the unison singing of 'power to the people'
- Tim compares her bombing to a comedian realizing mid-set that a bit they thought was brilliant isn't landing with the crowd
Bill de Blasiode Blasio's wife
- 3 min
JPMorgan Chase and the 'Equality Mortgage'
#Tim riffs on politicians hated by both extremes, mocks 'abolish the police' social worker replacements, and imagines corporations like JPMorgan Chase marketing loans and BLM-branded mortgages off the unrest.
7moments
- Bill de Blasio is hated by both extremes on left and right — nobody likes him.
- Tim on the two-sided political hatred: the left calls him a Nazi for not abolishing police, the right calls him a communist for not militarizing streets.
- Social work is just a white woman showing up to tell you how badly you're doing, sitting there with a clipboard judging your life.
- One side wants tanks rolling down the street; the other wants these judgmental social workers — both absolutely insane.
- JPMorgan Chase tweets about building a better world, then describes a brick thrown and caught becoming a house symbolizing racial unity.
- Banks will soon offer the 'Equality mortgage' — a subprime loan designed for inner cities with low rates and balloon payments.
- Corporate America's actual strategy: figure out how to profit off things burning down and civil unrest.
- 2 min
Trader Joe's Samples During a Civil War
#He imagines corporate marketers trying to figure out how to sell products during a pandemic and civil unrest, riffing on Trader Joe's sample workers dealing with protesters.
4moments
- Boardroom marketing strategy during civil unrest: how to sell home equity lines of credit when the city is on fire.
- Trader Joe's sample workers attempting to hand out hummus and sun-dried tomato samples amid the chaos and tear gas.
- Tim's bit about the sample lady offering sun-dried tomato to protest victims while they're masked and tear-gassed.
- The fundamental sales problem: how do you prospect and move product during a pandemic and civil war simultaneously.
home equity line of creditTrader Joe's
- 5 min
Questioning the Lockdown and Coronavirus Hypocrisy
#Tim argues the lockdown damaged people's psyches and points out the hypocrisy of banning normal activity for COVID while greenlighting mass protests, then riffs that everything from 9/11 to Epstein's death is secretly being blamed on coronavirus.
8moments
- Tim argues the lockdown was a mistake, comparing three months of isolation and enforced online time to a failed social experiment.
- The lockdown accelerated existing psychological damage but didn't make people stronger or more resilient coming out.
- Hypocrisy of shutting down protests against job and health insurance loss while claiming the virus kills vulnerable people.
- Government gave one protest group terrorist labels while greenlighting mass demonstrations from the other side during a supposed health crisis.
- Wealthy celebrities in gated mansions told regular people to lockdown, then demanded they march in protests instead.
- Tim catalogs absurd official causes of death, suggesting the government is blaming everything from the Twin Towers to police shootings on coronavirus.
- Coronavirus is so powerful it's killing everybody and covering up everything the government wants hidden.
- Tim insists Epstein died from coronavirus, not from his cell circumstances, and demands an autopsy to prove it.
- 8 min
Tim reads through the detailed police report of George Floyd's arrest over a counterfeit $20 bill, mocking the absurdity of the response and condemning the officers' actions as inhuman.
12moments
- Tim speculates Michael Hastings died of coronavirus rather than crashing his car, dismissing it as more COVID hysteria.
- Police shouldn't respond heavily to someone cashing a fake $20 check when they ignore white-collar crime on Wall Street.
- Tim bites the inside of his mouth and spends four days trying to fix it with salt water and ibuprofen.
- Cup Foods isn't a real-sounding store name, and accepting counterfeit money by accident shouldn't be a crime either.
- A forgery in progress sounds like the least dire emergency—a fake $20 bill poses no actual threat to society.
- Officer Thomas Lane immediately pulls his gun and points it at Floyd through the car window.
- Tim defends acknowledging good people exist in most organizations, including ISIS, against binary thinking promoted by media and government.
- Lockdowns handed power to government while encouraging people to become informants, creating a nation of rats calling the police on each other.
- Floyd shows no real resistance in the video that everyone has watched.
- Floyd is handcuffed and face-down on the ground when officers put their boot on his neck, yet he's still treated as a threat deserving of lethal force.
- Floyd calls out for his mother and says he can't breathe as he's being murdered in the street over a pack of cigarettes.
- Police watch a man get murdered for trying to buy cigarettes with a counterfeit $20 bill.
Derek ChauvinGeorge FloydThomas Lanepolice brutalityMichael HastingsMinneapolis Police DepartmentMike Abumuya
- 1 min
Violence as a Virus and Understanding the Anger
#Tim reflects that violence spreads uncontrollably and often benefits bad actors, but says watching the Floyd video makes the anger understandable.
4moments
- Tim describes violence as a virus that spreads and cannot be contained, practiced by those who want to exploit bad situations rather than fix them.
- He claims complete awareness of why anger has risen to the point of violence, and says watching a specific video makes it understandable.
- Tim argues that if you watch that video and don't feel rage, something is wrong with you.
- Sudden shift to an advertisement read for Shipstation as society adapts to buying everything online due to coronavirus, tear gas, and other chaos.
- 6 min
A sponsor read for ShipStation drifts into riffing about starting e-commerce businesses selling crafts, riot-themed novelty items, and junk found at yard sales.
6moments
- Tim argues that broke people with a talent for crafts, drawing, or woodworking should start an online business to make money.
- Friends who try selling online fail because they get in over their head and can't manage their orders properly without organization tools.
- Rich people still want to buy things, so you can make and sell niche items like birdfeeding equipment, riot glasses, or other crafty products.
- Tim suggests selling items from your home—old toasters, vintage kitchen stuff hunted from yard sales—and reselling them at markup on online platforms.
- His mother used to drive around the neighborhood putting garbage in a van without ever selling it, which is what ShipStation would have helped her do.
- Tim jokes that even niche markets like racist people who still take COVID seriously and buy Confederate flag COVID masks are probably underserved buyers.
- 2 min
Tim reads an ad for Hawthorne cologne and grooming products, joking about custom scents for looters and racist cops alike.
5moments
- Tim explains Hawthorne's personalized cologne system matches scent to your lifestyle based on a two-minute quiz.
- He riffs on the quiz prompts, improvising absurd character responses like "I am AI loot i riot" and "I'm a racist cop."
- Tim contrasts Hawthorne's personalized approach favorably to buying one-size-fits-all cologne from department stores that have burned down.
- He describes customizing his own lotion to smell like a Marlboro Light, claiming Hawthorne delivered exactly that.
- Personalized scent as a conversation starter: people will ask what you're wearing, and you tell them it's Hawthorne lotion, not a cigarette.
- 3 min
Post-9/11 Cop Culture and the Steak Sauce Incident
#Tim argues 9/11 gave police unchecked authority, contrasts treatment of white school shooters versus George Floyd, then tells his own story of cops filming him thinking he'd soiled himself when it was actually steak sauce on his pants.
8moments
- Post-9/11, giving every cop the idea they were part of Homeland Security was a mistake that made them unquestionable.
- Doormen, transit cops, and security workers all adopted the attitude they're the only thing preventing collapse.
- George Floyd was killed over a twenty-dollar bill while cops treat white school shooters with prayer and gentleness.
- White school shooters get walked out with cops petting their heads and praying with them, not a scratch on the officer.
- School shooters are always said to surrender, but there's a better way to handle resistance than a boot on someone's neck for nine minutes.
- Tim describes a traffic stop where cops thought brown steak sauce on his pants meant he'd defecated himself from fear.
- The officers took cell phone videos, delighted at the idea they'd terrified him into losing control of his bowels.
- Tim tells cops his digestive system evacuates when needed and has nothing to do with their presence.
- 3 min
Getting Away With It: License Suspensions and a Cop-Beating Kid Who Got Off
#Tim recounts repeatedly getting pulled over with a suspended license and let go, then a Long Island kid who beat up nine cops and got zero jail time, contrasting this leniency with how Black people are treated.
4moments
- Tim got pulled over repeatedly with a suspended license and cops would sometimes let him drive away rather than arrest him.
- Tim contrasts his experience with how Black drivers would be treated in the same situation with a suspended license.
- A comedian Tim knew on Long Island fought nine cops and received zero jail time after a judge called him a good guy.
- Tim mentions a football team in Connecticut that broke into a house during a party, describing it as a home invasion.
- 4 min
The Home Invasion Judge and the Merrick, Long Island Protest Backlash
#He tells the story of a lenient judge sentencing a white kid who beat someone during a home invasion, then pivots to mocking Long Island residents' furious, race-baiting reaction to a peaceful BLM protest, including parents bringing their kids to yell at marchers.
8moments
- Judge sentences home invader while praising his bright future despite him breaking in and beating the homeowner.
- Tim contrasts how differently a Black perpetrator breaking into a white home in New Canaan Connecticut would be treated by a judge.
- Merrick, Long Island residents mobilize against a planned peaceful Black Lives Matter protest on their road.
- Tim describes Long Island parents yanking kids out of summer activities to bring them to counter-protest, teaching racism and apathy.
- Parents tell children they're going to a race riot instead of hanging out with friends, framing the counter-protest as a family event.
- Tim expresses shock at parents bringing kids to a counter-protest against police brutality demonstrations.
- Tim dismisses the babysitter excuse—Long Island parents leave kids home alone routinely, so the choice to bring them was deliberate.
- Parents decided to bring a child to what they were actively trying to turn into a race riot rather than a peaceful protest.
Long IslandMerrickNew Canaan, Connecticut
- 4 min
Long Island Bandana Bikers and the Language of State Violence
#Tim mocks Long Islanders in bandanas confronting protesters, cites his cop brother Larry as an example of tribal loyalty, and brings in a Chris Hedges-style argument that the state's only language is violence.
9moments
- White people wearing bandanas for COVID protection look like Hells Angels bikers heading up the street.
- Cops beat you with batons—if you don't want to get hit, don't go outside.
- Long Island residents justify police shootings by claiming if a cop has his gun in your face, you've done something wrong.
- Tim illustrates the logic: Larry the cop needs to beat handcuffed people because his wife made him redo the kitchen.
- Long Island people say 'Go west'—they support everything police do and wish the Blue Angels would bomb the protests.
- Many Americans would welcome government bombing of protests, watching it casually like Syrian bombings while eating breadsticks and drinking Coors.
- Peter Hedges argument: the language of the state is violence—that's all they speak, so they never use reason or rationality.}, {
- When a society teaches people only violence their entire lives, they respond with violence—not right, but understandable given the system.}, {
- Without leadership, demands, and reform from protesters, it's an unending journey into chaos that ultimately benefits Trump.
Donald TrumpLong IslandBlue AngelsLarrySyriaAri ShaffirOzark
- 3 min
Trump, Mattis, and Pelosi's Bible-Grabbing Stunt
#Tim discusses General Mattis breaking with Trump, argues Trump's tenure has damaged the national psyche, and mocks Pelosi grabbing a Bible for a photo op and her infamous gelato freezer tour.
6moments
- General Mattis now criticizing Trump for violating the Constitution and wanting him out.
- Tim argues Trump has had a negative effect on the country's psyche regardless of how you feel about him.
- Trump tweets about the stock market going back up while civil war is breaking out in parts of the country.
- Mattis provided a scathing description of Trump's walk to a historic nearby church.
- Trump grabs the Bible knowing it's a cheap stunt, and instead of calling it out, Pelosi grabs it too.
- Pelosi gave a tour of her freezer with different kinds of gelato on night three of quarantine when everyone had lost their jobs.
Donald TrumpNancy PelosiJames Mattis
- 2 min
An ad for Sheath Underwear, tying its comfort features to a summer full of tear gas and unrest, plus its origin story from an Army veteran founder.
4moments
- Sheath underwear doubles as a bathing suit.
- Tim warns it's going to be a hot summer full of bullets, tear gas, and riots.
- Sheath cradles you like a mama gorilla holding her newborn baby—combines boxer briefs and jockstrap with all the powers and none of their weaknesses.
- The founder was a US Army soldier, Robert Patton, who came up with the idea during his second tour in Iraq.
- 2 min
Tim reads a Raycon wireless earbuds ad, joking that having a wired headphone now makes you look homeless.
3moments
- Tim praises Raycon earbuds as half the price of competitors with equally amazing sound quality.
- Having wired earbuds is basically equivalent to being homeless and diseased.
- Apple's wireless earbuds are too expensive and their insurance doesn't cover lost ones.
- 4 min
The Death Spiral of Escalating Violence
#Tim describes police and protester violence escalating exponentially, criticizes people cheering destruction on Twitter, tells the story of a comic abandoning a house purchase over Confederate flags, and argues violence has its own irrational logic that consumes everyone, including its cheerleaders.
9moments
- Violence is spiraling out of control—cops shooting and stabbing, rubber bullets at peaceful protesters, tear gas at demonstrations.
- People on Twitter cheering for chaos and destruction while sitting safely online, not realizing they'll become targets themselves.
- A comic and his wife found confederate flags at a house in Connecticut and left immediately—Connecticut, not the South.
- Tim argues that no matter how woke you seem, violence doesn't care—you will eventually become the enemy.
- Jane Mayer said the point of torture is always torture; similarly, the point of violence is violence—it has its own logic.
- Destroying small businesses and hurting innocent people leads only to more violence, escalating in a cycle.
- People fetishizing societal collapse don't understand violence; they think they can control it like directing a video game.
- Videos show white people cheering riots, then bricks come through their windows—they can't put the chaos back.
- People who want to abolish police won't survive a Mad Max scenario—they're immunocompromised and 97 pounds.
- 4 min
Antifa Theater Kids Take Over the Country
#Tim spins an absurd fantasy of Antifa defeating the U.S. military and running the country with malnourished, acne-prone former theater kids and slam poets as the new security force.
7moments
- Tim imagines Antifa taking over the country and describes the scenario: failed comics and slam poets with purple hair would run everything.
- Fox News announces that Antifa has defeated the military and replaced it with a security force of embittered theater kids in their late 30s.
- Instead of the Blue Angels flyover at the Super Bowl, Antifa just runs through, and the country is now run by malnourished kids with black backpacks.
- Tim notes that when offered to remove their masks since they now run everything, the theater kids refuse because they have adult acne.
- Tim claims he doesn't agree with most of what Antifa does but doesn't really care, and defends their right to exist in a country where people should be able to say what they want.
- The same people who want to live in a world without police can't handle the New York Times publishing an op-ed from a senator calling for military intervention.
- Tim argues that Antifa supporters claim they can live without police but can't even handle a Jordan Peterson article, yet believe they can function in total chaos and anarchy.
- 1 min
Oscar the Cat Joins the National Guard
#Tim mocks people who fetishize chaos and anarchism without wanting to live without police, and jokes about 'Oscar the cat' nihilistically handing out bricks before suspiciously joining the National Guard.
4moments
- Doomsday prepping and militia fetishism appeal to losers convinced they'll gain power once society collapses, despite failing to do so now.
- Tim argues that without police, wealthy people will just hire Blackwater mercenaries for their neighborhoods, creating worse accountability problems.
- Oscar the cat, a known nihilist, joined the National Guard two days ago with no prior military interest.
- A day before enlisting, Oscar was handing out bricks to protesters—he just wants to watch it all burn.
- 3 min
Long Island's Fear-and-Hatred Culture and Antifa Taking the Delis
#Tim mocks Long Island's culture of fear and hatred as its organizing principle, imagining cops colluding with locals against protesters, then jokes about Antifa taking over delis and forcing vegan food on everyone.
6moments
- Tim praises Long Island for bringing kids to yell at peaceful protesters, then sarcastically celebrates the community's trajectory of declining affordability and rising opioid crises.
- Long Island's entire foundation is built on fear and hatred, which Tim identifies as a failing organizing principle for society.
- The fear-based worldview of Long Island residents: everyone is trying to kill you, cut you off in traffic, take your money, or steal your inherited house.
- Long Island cops pretend to be neutral while actually being gay and ready to shoot high school students in the head without hesitation.
- Antifa is trying to take over the delis, and when they do, people will be forced to eat vegan food instead of bacon egg and cheese sandwiches.
- Tim declares he will eat processed food and die on his couch watching Tucker Carlson rather than submit to transgender deli workers forcing veganism on him.
- 6 min
Friends on Every Side and the Russian Bots/Chinese Bats Closer
#Tim claims to have friends across every faction of the conflict, argues property rights underpin real freedom, mocks online activists who type long screeds nobody reads, and closes riffing on Chris Hedges' Antifa quote and the running joke that everything gets blamed on Russian bots and Chinese bats.
10moments
- Tim claims he should be a leader because he has friends on every side of every conflict — cops, protesters, looters, CIA agitators, Russian and Chinese intelligence operatives, counterfeit bills.
- The argument against unfocused rage: cops need accountability, but destroying small businesses owned by hardworking people doesn't advance that goal.
- Freedom means owning property and not depending on government approval, so how can anyone oppose property protection while also supporting government land distribution?
- Tim tells his critics their seven-paragraph responses about private property and white supremacy won't be read by anyone, and twelve thumbs up won't change anything.
- Tim contrasts America's gun debate with the Middle East, where people actually commit to their beliefs — then clarifies he is not advocating suicide vests.
- Chris Hedges quote: antifa ranks alongside the Boy Scouts on the terrorist spectrum, making Susan Rice's claims about foreign actors in the protests absurd.
- Every American problem will be blamed on Russia or COVID, or both working together — eventually combining into Russian bots and Chinese bats.
- Tim catalogs absurd explanations: foreclosed husk, Chinese bat, Russian bot, government on Epstein island with Russian actors, Epstein as a Russian asset, COVID as bad flu, ventilators as Russian and Chinese.
- The ultimate framework: everything is Russia and COVID working together — the coronavirus is a Russian bot, Chinese bat scenario that explains all chaos.
- Tim ends the segment with 'stay safe out there.