Episode 202 · The Ben Avery Era
#202 - Puppies Rainbows Candy Lamborghinis | The Tim Dillon Show
May 31, 2020 · 1:35:07 · 425,000 views · 12 segments, 115 moments indexed
Tim discusses the wonderful men that grow up to be police officers, the Stunning Estate documentary on Netflix, shopping at Target, and the iconic show "Looney Tunes."
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- 3 min
Cold Open: "Just Be Nice" and Loot Target
#Tim opens with a sarcastic riff on people demanding niceness and civility in the wake of George Floyd's murder, mocking the reverence for corporations like Target and dismantling the idea that looting big-box stores is a real tragedy.
6moments
- Tim opens with the show's ethos: 'just be nice,' questioning whether that applies even to cops who murder people
- Why would anyone damage Target? It's 'uncle Target,' our family, more important than people
- Corporations are made of slaves and drones, not real people
- Communities being burned down — the people doing it don't own the community because laws prevented them from doing so
- Those people didn't inherit homes with nice lawns or get small business loans, so they don't feel connected to the community the way Tim does
- Tim's actual position: you should be looting Target every day, regardless of what cops do
- 4 min
Justifying the Riots and Charging the Cop
#He argues that the anger fueling the riots is justified given decades of police violence and inequality, contrasts his own experience getting away with reckless behavior as a white kid with how black people are treated by police, and reacts to news that the officer was charged.
6moments
- The 2008 bailout was the largest transfer of wealth in human history, but people are upset about someone stealing a panini press from Target.
- Tim argues the riots have justification when you look at what's actually happened over the past three months—ignoring the underlying causes means you're not paying attention.
- Luxury problems dominate TV and Netflix while people without food drink water the color of Nestle Quik and cops put kids in jail.
- The beer summit format—Obama having a beer with a cop, the cop doing a depression-era dance on Ellen—doesn't work anymore because people have had it.
- Tim doesn't feel bad for Target, AutoZone, or the police precinct that got burned down.
- The amount of people defending Target is laughable—people should burn Target down on the regular.
- 3 min
Burn Down Target and the McGriddle Assault
#Tim escalates into an absurd bit about torching Target locations, joking about slapping people with a McGriddle, chucking griddles at Redbox machines, and calling himself an activist while joking about burning down his own family's homes.
5moments
- Tim on Target employees upset they can't work there and get their throats stomped on the way home
- Tim won't judge people throwing Molotov cocktails when cops don't treat him the way they treat Black people
- Tim drove drunk frequently on Long Island but was rarely pulled over, unlike law-abiding Black people facing higher rates of police incidents and arrest
- When people set fire to places because they're powerless and given no power in society, they're acting rationally from their perspective
- Tim argues bricks should logically keep going through windows given the amount of injustice people have to swallow every day
- 4 min
Open It Up Then Burn It Down: The Unity Plan
#Continuing the bit, Tim proposes a compromise between anti-lockdown protesters and rioters: let restaurants reopen, everyone eats a nice meal, and then they burn the place down, complete with a fake menu of unity food.
9moments
- Epstein killed himself in jail with cameras on, and none of the criminals' lives will be affected—just a tidy guy who killed himself.
- The rage that builds in people over this is real; Tim threw a McGriddle at someone's face and said 'no justice no peace.'
- If Tim sees a Red Box DVD rental at a 7-Eleven, he's going to torch it—'no justice no peace.'
- Tim has the addresses of people who've wronged him in the business and wants them to wake up and see reality.
- He's an activist offering ideas: go to his parents' house and burn it down, throw things at his aunt Kathleen.
- Tim proposes a unity plan: merge the 'open everything up' crowd with the 'burn everything down' crowd by doing both.
- His solution: open restaurants, get stato nachos, Jack Daniels glazed chicken, brownies, then burn the place down.
- After a salad with breadsticks, ranch, and bacon bits, torch the restaurant; smack the waitress with a fish sandwich.
- Tim claims none of it's his fault but he's part of the problem and part of the solution—'open up and burn down.'
- 1 min
Minneapolis Burning and the Nightstick-Loving Cop
#He reflects on Minneapolis looking like a warzone, admits many protesters aren't ideal allies, and pivots into introducing an ad.
4moments
- Tim compares Minneapolis during the protests to a third-world war zone.
- Many protesters are unreasonable people Tim wouldn't agree with on most things.
- Tim acknowledges protesters want to abolish private property, capitalism, and police but argues society still needs structure.
- Between total apathy and burning everything down, there's a middle ground: holding police and district attorneys accountable through lists and public pressure rather than destruction.
- 13 min
A long sponsored read for Anvil Rings jewelry drifts into an extended, meandering debate about Looney Tunes characters and their rivalries (Tweety, Sylvester, Wile E. Coyote, Pepe Le Pew) before circling back to pitch ring styles and the promo code.
10moments
- Tim knows jewelry and pitches Anvil Rings, handmade rings from Colorado made with meteorite, whiskey barrel, moon rock, and other unique materials.
- People out of work still need to commemorate life events with physical gifts, which rings from Anvil Rings provide affordably.
- A cool ring that makes people ask about it—like a craftsman making a table—beats spending thousands on diamonds you can't afford.
- The ACME anvil connection: Tim wonders if Tweety Bird ever dropped an anvil on Sylvester the cat, launching into Looney Tunes history.
- Tweety Bird did diabolical things to Sylvester throughout the series, and the cat probably deserved it.
- The Roadrunner cartoons: the Coyote always tried to kill him with an anvil, but the anvil somehow ended up hitting the Coyote instead.
- Gossamer the big red monster was sweet, a heinous monster who grew to love Bugs Bunny and let him do his nails.
- Tim catalogues other Looney Tunes characters: Yosemite Sam, Pepe LePew the French skunk, Marvin the Martian, and the Tasmanian Devil.
- A Damascus steel or meteorite ring from Anvil Rings costs hundreds, not thousands, and turns you into a real man like someone learning fencing.
- Final pitch: Anvil Rings dot com, promo code Tim, 20 percent off a truly unique ring.
anvil ringsHarry WinstonBulgariCartierTiffany's
- 10 min
The Epstein Netflix Documentary and Palm Beach Real Estate
#Tim reviews the Epstein Netflix documentary, mocking its framing of Epstein as an inexplicable lone genius rather than part of a broader blackmail operation, name-checking Les Wexner, Vicky Ward, and historical parallels like Jimmy Savile and the Franklin scandal, while repeatedly marveling at the opulence of Palm Beach mansions.
10moments
- Tim's biggest takeaway from the Epstein Netflix documentary is how legitimately wealthy Palm Beach is, with mansions that dwarf Beverly Hills and Bel Air.
- Joking that the scandal is less traumatic when you see the beautiful Palm Beach estates where the abuse occurred, compared to kids getting sacrificed in barns and Waffle Houses in Omaha.
- The Netflix documentary divorces Epstein's story from historical precedent, ignoring the Franklin scandal, Jimmy Savile, and documented blackmail operations involving underage victims.
- Tim suspects journalist Vicki Ward's trustworthiness in the documentary, noting she frames Epstein as a mysterious figure despite evidence he conned his way through legitimate circles.
- Les Wexner, a billionaire who owns Victoria's Secret, is portrayed as a victim of Epstein despite supposedly giving him mansions and billions of dollars.
- Current Attorney General Barr's father hired Epstein to teach math at a top prep school despite him being a college dropout, contributing to the implausible narrative that he simply tricked everyone.
- The sweetheart deal Epstein received let all his accomplices, named or unnamed, walk free—and the documentary asks viewers to believe he just lucked into that arrangement.
- Tim dismisses the official story of Epstein's death in jail as impossible, noting the prison had cameras, cells, and the resources to keep alive the highest-profile criminal in the country.
- Real estate agents' ability to succeed despite appearing developmentally disabled gives Tim hope he could pursue a second career selling homes.
- The documentary is worth watching for the brave women who come forward and the victims from broken homes, but it offers no new information and won't change anyone's perception of the events.
Jeffrey EpsteinDaltonJimmy SavileLes WexnerWhitney WebbLong IslandPalm BeachBear Stearns+5 more
- 6 min
Blackmail, Bill Clinton's Rise, and Fear of Brain Rot
#He theorizes that compromising material is used to control politicians like Clinton and Obama, dismisses conspiracy theories about Trump tunnels rescuing children, and worries about people's brains being broken by online rabbit holes.
8moments
- Tim describes how power structures actually work: blackmail operations providing politicians with drugs, money, and leverage to control them.
- Bill Clinton's rise from governor of a tiny, inconsequential state like Arkansas to President of the United States doesn't happen by accident.
- Obama's path to the presidency required someone to sign off, open doors, and give money — the same gatekeeping that controls Hollywood.
- Tim refuses to keep discussing the same conspiracy topics week after week because it's repetitive and he already knows what the story is.
- People expect political scandals to resolve like a TV season finale, but nothing's ever actually going to happen — it's an endless soap opera.
- Tim won't do constant shows about Epstein and related conspiracies because he's afraid of breaking his brain the way his audience has.
- Tim's livelihood depends on having a functioning brain, so he's terrified of the mental degradation he sees in his audience from conspiracy rabbit holes.
- Too many trips to Reddit and forums can break someone's brain, and once it happens, you can't get it back.
Donald TrumpPresident ClintonBarack ObamaPalm BeachArkansasBoston MarketCentral ParkHollywood
- 6 min
Fat Cops, Nightsticks, and the Cousin Who Got a Shillelagh for Christmas
#Tim jokes that cops should be forced to be extremely overweight so they can't chase or hurt anyone, recalls a family member becoming a cop who gleefully swung a nightstick around at Christmas, and criticizes militarized policing culture derived from pro wrestling.
8moments
- The bullies from school became cops, like the guy who used to spit on the blind girl for no reason.
- Tim argues cops should be 400 pounds minimum and unable to leave their cars without help, so they can't chase anyone down.
- Cops grew up watching WWF wrestling and think they're Hulk Hogan, applying fake chokeholds they learned from TV.
- A family member got a nightstick as a Christmas present for entering the police academy.
- The cousin spent Christmas swinging the nightstick around the house while everyone else ate cheesecake in the living room.
- Tim questions what this guy will do in a high-pressure situation and whether leading with a nightstick is the right approach.
- A tweet suggests replacing police with detectives for serious crimes, social workers for other duties, and bar bouncers for neighborhood patrol.
- Tim compares handing someone a nightstick to giving a lightsaber without the Force—just a weapon with no guidance or restraint.
- 8 min
A Ridge Wallet sponsor read spirals into an extended dark comedic fantasy about civil war, societal collapse, and needing the wallet to remember your own identity after amnesia in a post-apocalyptic wasteland.
10moments
- Tim pitches the Ridge Wallet as a tool for post-apocalyptic survival, describing its use as a concealed weapon and throat-cutting device.
- Apocalyptic civil war scenario: families fighting each other in the streets over resources as society collapses entirely.
- Tim envisions bloodletting and chaos in the streets, pitting family members and best friends against each other.
- After the collapse, you'll be grateful for a Ridge Wallet in your jeans stained with the blood of your family.
- In the apocalypse, you'll have to decide who to kill and who to eat, making traditional marketing irrelevant.
- Tim's post-collapse world: living in paramilitary quads and fighting other groups for resources after government falls.
- Even after the money system collapses, the Ridge Wallet still serves as a sleek weapon and identity reminder.
- Blinded by police chemicals and suffering from concussions, you'll touch your wallet's raised name to remember who you are.
- Wandering an empty mall in the apocalypse, you wake up with amnesia under a bridge and use your Ridge Wallet to remember your name.
- After shell shock and amnesia from mortar fire, you pull out the Ridge Wallet and rejoin anti-government forces to rebuild society based on shared principles.
- 13 min
Seth Simons, Jimmy Fallon's Blackface, and Cancel Culture
#Tim responds at length to critic Seth Simons calling him out over comments defending Jimmy Fallon's old blackface sketch, arguing context and eras change what's appropriate, criticizing cancel culture and quote-tweet callouts, and clarifying his actual political sympathies.
17moments
- Tim addresses Seth Simons, a failed cultural critic who attacked his defense of Jimmy Fallon over the blackface controversy.
- Fallon's 2000 SNL blackface apology and the phrase 'thank you for holding me accountable' strikes Tim as insane capitulation to mob pressure.
- Tim distinguishes between justified anger at real injustice and mob outrage over historical comedy sketches nobody watched.
- The real issue is people dragging others as the only way to feel powerful, not genuine moral concern about Fallon's impersonation.
- Critics quote-tweet Tim without tagging him because they want to cancel people without allowing response or debate.
- Seth Simons claims wealthy people in show business should answer to everyone, sarcastically implying blackface was fine in 2000.
- Tim argues blackface was done frequently on mainstream television in 2000 and nobody was shocked about it then, so context matters.
- Norms change over time—the word for gay people was once used casually but evolved out of mainstream speech as culture shifted.
- Tim criticizes the priorities of digging up old SNL sketches while thirty million people lost jobs, have no health insurance, and police murder citizens.
- Tim claims his sympathies lie with humor and talent, not ideology, and he shares opinions not because they matter but to process reality.
- Seth Simons pays comedy finger service through constant typing while Tim uses his actual talent to work his opinions into entertainment.
- Tim describes his actual political beliefs: individual autonomy, opposition to corporate control and dark money wars, preference for independence.
- Ron Bennington is Tim's favorite broadcaster and the person whose approval means more to him than celebrity connections in LA or the Comedy Store.
- The future world will have flattened individuality through internet homogenization, making it harder to find real characters with genuine distinctiveness.
- Real characters who ignore social convention and surprise you are becoming extinct because everyone's formative experiences and cultural references are now similar.
- Individuality can carry risk and uncertainty—even someone like Jeffrey Epstein was an individual, showing the double edge of that quality.
- Perching on the outside allows Tim to comment on and process the future as it arrives rather than participate in it.
Seth SimonsRon BenningtonJimmy FallonChris RockJeffrey EpsteinChanning Tatum
- 25 min
Chris Gethard, the Buried Election Night Special, and the Banana Suit
#Tim recounts the saga of a canceled/never-released election night TV special he and Ray Kampf did with Chris Gethard, including Gethard's reddit post explaining why it wasn't aired, the meltdown among liberal performers when Trump won, and his mixed feelings of respect and disappointment toward Gethard for distancing himself.
22moments
- Chris Gethard was a friend of Tim's, but he found it odd that Gethard posted a Reddit comment about why the election night special didn't air.
- Gethard's fanbase largely struggles with mental illness and sits on the floor at shows—it feels like performing in a rehab.
- Gethard lives in terror of being canceled by his fanbase because that's his bread and butter.
- Tim and Ray Kampf were brought in to the election night special to be the bombastic heels, showing hard-edged realism.
- One performer was dressed like a banana and started crying as the election results came in—Tim couldn't help but laugh.
- Tim called Drew Michael, who explained why the Trump victory was funny: liberals had been so confident they'd lose, like a friend trying to hook up and getting shut down.
- Tim was the only Hillary advocate who made a good argument: she should win because she's a murderer who kills people and eats dinner.
- When the performers started crying and yelling, Tim laughed in their face—nothing makes people angrier than being laughed at.
- Gethard responded on Reddit that the timing made things bad creatively and morally as the creator of a community of creative people.
- Tim saw Gethard at a wedding where he brought his newborn baby in a playpen—a de classe move that everyone was offended by.
- Gethard claimed the show took a darker, more aggressive turn than planned and that Tim looked bad for doing what he was asked to do.
- Female performers got into a battle with Tim over Hillary being female, while he was calling her a murderer all night.
- Tim feels bad for people who live in constant fear of being canceled; he hasn't arranged his career to give anyone power over it.
- Gethard used to show Tim calls and texts from people threatening to kill themselves if he upset them.
- Shane Gillis said something about Chris on his podcast, and when Tim brought it up on Shane's show, Chris got angry that Tim didn't call them friends.
- Nothing about Tim's comedy is different—the audience changed, what they wanted changed, but Tim has been consistent the whole way through.
- Gethard wrote a seven-paragraph Reddit response designed so Tim couldn't respond publicly without looking like a crazy right-wing lunatic.
- Chris took down a funny video where Tim was telling people not to vote and to marry for money because a Black kid in it was allegedly getting harassed by alt-right trolls.
- If you're going to ask someone on a show, you have to accept that they'll find it funny when a guy dressed as a banana is crying.
- Don't build a castle made of cancelable sand—Gethard should just be honest if he doesn't like Tim instead of pulling content and posting on Reddit.
- Tim would never say Chris isn't funny now when he was funny then, and he's grateful for Gethard bringing him on the road when he was young.
- Tim is a real estate investor and deals in iconic properties—that's where his actual expertise lies, not comedy.
Chris GethardHillary ClintonDonald TrumpRay KumpBarack ObamaShane GillisCaitlyn Jenner